The Slightly Warped Website

Sunday January 1, 2006

QUICK JOKE

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

QUICK JOKE II

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

QUICK JOKE II

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

IT'S 2006... WHOOPDIE DOO.

Personally, I've always found that even-numbered years always sound less futuristic than odd-numbered years so, until 2007 comes along I'll just be bored.

Still, there's a couple of things to look foreword to this year. Chief among them is that my wife and I just might be relocating to Anchorage, Alaska which is something I've always wanted to try... not just for the wilderness and the last American frontier, but mainly because I've lived in Texas all my life and I'm sick of it being so hot.

This year, I will turn 30 which is really freaking me out a little bit. Also, The Slightly Warped Website will be celebrating ten full years of polluting the internet with crap.

As for my predictions... I foresee the Democrats taking back the house and the Senate and giving George W. Bush the impeachment he desperately deserves.

All right, so that's just wishful thinking. I know the bastard probably isn't going to be impeached for crap as long as Republicans run the government, but I do see their time coming to an end. There's a lot of pissed off people in America right now and the fact that Dubya is stepping all over everyone's rights and telling everyone, "Fuck you, I'm going to keep doing it!" can't be helping the Republican's image.

Personally, I'll just be sitting back watching it all burn down in glee.

Oh, my dog turns 15 this year also. I think the poor guy actually died three years ago and hasn't figured it out yet. Needless to say now that the worlds ugliest dog has died, my little Chippy might actually stand a chance of taking the title.

I've resolved to loose weight again. I know I made the same promise last year and ended up blowing it off, but I'm serious this time around. I've even started working out with weights and everything!

Let's see... anything else? I foresee that more celebrities will probably die but none of the ones that really irritate me will.

Speaking of dead, did anyone get a load of poor Dick Clark? I mean, I admire the guy for going out and hosting Rockin' New Year simply for the fact that it kept Regis from doing it again, but Jesus... someone brought that man to the set on a dolly. I just know it. Dick, I hope you're better for next year.

I think that's about it. Happy new year, everyone. Don't drink and drive and if you do, just don't hit me.

THE UPDATES

	THE LEGION OF LAME-ASSES VI: A SERIES OF IMMATURE EVENTS The new LOLA adventure is finally here! Better never than late, right? This time around, The X-Fools and LOLA fight over Walt from Lost and, believe me, this one is hilarious, more offensive, and dumber than any LOLA story has ever been!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: MONDAY PHOTOSHOP RELOADED 2005 Our photoshoppers revisit the photoshop contests of the past year to come up with new, more elaborate, and more twisted works of art!
	THE BEST AND WORST OF 2005 Donner's big year-end extravaganza of his favorite and least favorite films of 2005 plus a brand new review of King Kong!

Let's make 2006 a good year... not like 2002, that fucking loser.

Friday January 13, 2006

QUICK JOKE

There was once this ninety year-old man and a ninety year-old woman who lived across the hall from each other in a nursery home. Despite their advanced ages, both had healthy libidos and one night when the coast was clear, they decided to meet each other for a romantic get together.

Both were in a room getting undressed. No sooner had the woman taken off her bra, she looked at the old man and said, "I should probably tell you before we do it. I have acute angina."

The old man replied. "That's a relief because those are the ugliest damn tits I've ever seen!"

QUICK JOKE II

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her."

QUICK JOKE II

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."."

Meh...

Beyond my little humdrum existence not a whole lot is happening to me right now aside from my usualy job hunt. I interviewed for a pretty sweet gig the other day, but lost out on it because they decided to hire from inside their own company. Still, I press on. I'll find something sooner or later. All I know is that this unemployment stuff sucks. I am so bored right now.

However, I do have my voiceover site up and running finally so maybe I can work from home if I get enough clients. You can check it out at http://www.anicevoice.com and if you happen to be in the radio, TV, or advertising biz (because I know a lot of you frequently this site) send some business my way.

Other than that. Nothing. It's hot here, dry, and everything's on fire. Alaska is looking better and better every day.

THE UPDATES

	THE LEGION OF LAME-ASSES VI: A SERIES OF IMMATURE EVENTS The new LOLA adventure is finally here! Better never than late, right? This time around, The X-Fools and LOLA fight over Walt from Lost and, believe me, this one is hilarious, more offensive, and dumber than any LOLA story has ever been!
	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! The new year is off with a bang with two new episodes! First, it's the resolution to December's cliffhanger where EVERYTHING changes! Then, get ready for Justice Squad: Unlimited where Justice Squad does shameless crossovers starting with Monk!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: BLOODRAYNE & HOODWINKED Our photoshoppers have started the new year foaming at the mouth ready to do some Adobe damage to another Uwe Boll classic and a cheaply made CGI cartoon!
	NEW REVIEWS! Donner has seen Syriana, American Pie Presents Band Camp, The Ringer, Fun with Dick & Jane, and Wolf Creek and didn't like a single one of them. Is Donner on the rag or something?

That's all I got this week. Perhaps next week I will have some more. Or maybe not. What do you people want from me!?

Sunday January 22, 2006

QUICK JOKE

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you
help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really
nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on
his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his
pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned,

"Probably, but that roll up the ass really hurt!"

QUICK JOKE II

Q: What goes "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5..."?

A: Bo Derrick aging.

QUICK JOKE II

A Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children. The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes.

The doctor yells out, " Save the children"

The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

Road Porn

I was driving home the other night and came to a stop at a red light behind one of those gas guzzling SUVs. I was tired, it had been a long day, and I was really sort of spacing out when I looked up and saw one of those LED televisions inside the SUV in front of me and, on it, was playing a porno.

Now, normally, I don't strongly object to porno unless it's something illegal or that gay porn I did when I was trying to pay my way through college, but let's get real here... how many accidents has the phantom porno SUV caused in its lifetime of distracting people. I was so disgusted that I tailed that SUV for fifty miles before I just gave up and went home.

In case you haven't noticed yet, The Slightly Warped Website has a brand new section ready for your visitation called The Crap Factory. In it, you'll find lists, musings, and things of interest. The first three exhibits are a tribute to the cartoon world's famous bastards and a tribute to the cartoon world's biggest bitches. Also, a personal hobby of mine, slightlywarped.com's Ghastly Ghost Gallery. Pay a visit to The Crap Factory today and all the days that follow because new content is on the horizon!

THE UPDATES

	THE LEGION OF LAME-ASSES VI: A SERIES OF IMMATURE EVENTS The new LOLA adventure is finally here! Better never than late, right? This time around, The X-Fools and LOLA fight over Walt from Lost and, believe me, this one is hilarious, more offensive, and dumber than any LOLA story has ever been!
	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad Unlimited continues as Justice Squad teams up with various other TV shows and junk! This time, Ivy journeys to a far off world to find her parents only to find herself at odds with He-Man and the Masters of the Universe!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION What do you get when you cross a vampire and a werewolf? An idea I wrote about before Underworld even made it to the big screen! It's true, read Justice Squad! Anyway, we made fun of this movie this week. Check it out.
	THE CRAP FACTORY IS OPEN! Check out the cartoon world's biggest bastards and bitches and then see some spooky stuff with slightlywarped.com's Ghastly Ghost Gallery!

That's all there is and there ain't no more. Enjoy yourself and tune in next week for the first batch of movie reviews for 2006! Peace!

Friday January 27, 2006

QUICK JOKE

The day after a man reported his wife missing, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.""

QUICK JOKE II

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
examination.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"

"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad
news for you."

QUICK JOKE II

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch." "

The Monster of Lake Worth

I'm in a Barnes and Nobel the other day reading because I'm broke and can't buy books when I come across this book called Weird Texas. Lo and behold, I come across something interesting... a monster that lives on the very shores of the lake that I live on! Check this out...

Though not well known in the history of sasquatch like, hairy biped reports, the summer of 1969 in Lake Worth, on the edge of Fort Worth, Texas produced one of the most well attested events of that nature. It also produced a photograph of the creature, which I am looking into at the present. In the wee hours of July 10th, Mr. and Mrs. John Reichart and two other couples showed up at the Fort Worth police station. They were so plainly terrified that, as unlikely as their story sounded, the officers had no problem believing the six had seen something well out of the ordinary. As their story went, they had been parked along the edge of Lake Worth around midnight when a huge beast leaped out of nowhere and landed on the Reicharts' car. It was, they related, covered with both fur and scales and looked like a cross between a goat and a man.

Four police units raced to the scene only to find nothing. However there was an eighteen inch scratch running alongside the witnesses car, who swore it had not been there before and was sure it was a scratch from the monsters claws. In the preceding couple of months other reports of a monster had been received but were attributed to pranks. The officers assumed that the Reicharts had been similarly victimized, but the frightening, aggressive nature of the attack made them take the incident much more seriously.

Almost exactly twenty four hours after the incident, Jack Harris, driving on the road to the Lake Worth Nature Center said he spotted the creature crossing in front of him. It ran up and down a hill and was soon being watched by thirty to forty people who had come to the area hoping to catch a glimpse of it after the Fort Worth Star Telegram had run a front page story "Fishy Man-Goat Terrifies Couples Parked at Lake Worth." Within moments police from the sheriff's office were on the scene as well observing the fantastic sight. But when it seemed as though some of the spectators were going to approach it the creature threw a cars wheel at them, wherefore it escaped into the thicket once again.

In the weeks ahead parties of armed searchers made nightly forays into the woods and fields near the lake. Most thought it resembled a "big white ape." It left tracks that were unfortunately not preserved, that were reported as being eight inches wide at the toes and sixteen inches long. On one occassion when men fired on it they followed a trail of blood to the waters edge. Another three men claimed the monster jumped on their car and only jumped off after the vehicle collided with a tree. A different three people spent a week tracking it without ever seeing it, although they heard its cry and smelled the foul odor that was associated with it. They also came across several sheep half eaten with broken necks that they felt was the handiwork of the monster.

Reports of the creature continued for years after but the last sighting of 1969 came from Charles Buchanan. He said he had been sleeping in his sleeping bag in the back of his pick up truck when he was attacked by the monster. Buchanan shoved a bag of chicken at the creature. The beast stuffed it into its mouth and jumped into the lake and swam towards Greer Island. This occurred on November 7th. Several theories were offered from the preposterous to the problematic. One given by park ranger Harroll Rogers was that the creature was a bobcat - absurd by any stretch of the imagination. Others say it was a prankster, yet considering how many gun toting people were looking to bag it, and the fact that it had been most likely shot at least once leaves this theory with a hole or two in it as well.

Oh, shit! Look out! It's Fishy Goat-Man! Sort of like Nessie, only retarded!

Wow, Texas has the worst monsters ever.

In other news, can you believe that it's been 20 years since we lost Challenger? It seems like only yesterday that my mother visited me on the playground during my 4th grade year to tell me the news. Slightlywarped.com remembers the Challenger seven with love and respect on this grim anniversary.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad Unlimited continues as Luna teams up with the folks from Law & Order to track down a frat boy murderer! The twist is, the victim is a werewolf!
	NEW GAMES! We command you to play Wipedown, The Legend of Zelda: Seeds of Darkness, Reel Gold, Mani Golf, Casino Blackjack, Uber Breakout, Proximity, and Trick Blast Billiards!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: GLORY ROAD! The photoshoppers of Rotten Tomatoes really outdid themselves this time! Check out the havoc that they wrought on Glory Road!
	THE CRAP FACTORY: EVIL KITTY CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE! Mark my words! This will be the next big internet phenomenon! Evil Kitty is taking over the world and we have the evidence to prove it! Also, in celebration of its 40th anniversary, check out the 100 best episodes of Star Trek!
	NEW REVIEWS! Wow, was I busy this week! We've got new reviews of Brokeback Mountain, Underworld: Evolution, Hoodwinked, Hostel, and Bloodrayne which is Uwe Boll's best movie yet! Wait, does that actually mean anything?
	NEW LINKS! The Great Link has had a whole bunch of new links dumped into it! Not that I want you to leave slightlywarped.com, but if you've got to leave check these guys out.

In addition, I've updated a couple of other pages on the site including the submission guidelines, the Fun with Photoshop FAQ, and I've put up a new kickass flash navigation panel for the various sites! Enjoy them, feel the love, peace out!