Monday October 2, 2006

A NEW BUNNY
Bugs Bunny is old and outdated, so meet the new model!  It's funnier 'cause it's based on truth!
BAT EATING CENTIPEDE
Holy crap!  Glad I'm not a bat.
CLINTON vs. WALLACE
Bill Clinton goes on FOX News, gets tired of Chris Wallace and gets pissed. 
COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR
Who would have thought that knock-knock jokes would ever be funny again?
CONSENT
Remember when a dinner was all you needed to get lucky?
CREATURE COMFORTS
Fans of Wallace and Grommit should appreciate this send-up of political war speeches.
EPISODE II BLOOPERS
More screw ups from a galaxy far far away.
GAME OVER
Classic video games redone with common household items.  Way cool!
GAS PUMP PRANK
Fun with people getting screwed at the pump.
GRANNY GAMER
This sweet little old lady would probably hand you your ass in any game she plays.
PHOTO FRAUD
A little ditty about how photo-journalists manipulate and flat out lie through their pictures.
THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED
A movie trailer that tries and explain why and how movies are rated.

QUICK JOKE I

Three men wanted to cross a river but didn't know how. One man prayed to be strong enough to cross the river and God turned him into a muscleman but when he started swimming across the river he got tired and drowned.

The second man wished for a machine to get across so God gave him a boat. However, he hit a rock and drowned.

The third man asked for the brains to get across the river so God turned him into a woman and she walked a few yards and found a bridge.

QUICK JOKE II

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"

"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"

"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackers chopped it off with a saber."

"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"

"Seagull droppings," says the Captain.

"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

QUICK JOKE III

What does a divorce and a tornado have in common in the state of Arkansas?

A: In both cases, someone's loosing a trailer.

QUICK JOKE IV

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!


I think that Evil Kitty is the cutest thing on the world.  Can I pet it?

~Betty

Dear Betty,

Sure you can pet Evil Kitty.  I just hope you aren't planning on using that hand for anything in the future.

Love,
Donner

DONNER'S EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE

Yes, I know that the update is three days late.  Can't be helped, folks.  I had to take my son to the doctor.  Before you start in on the finger-pointing saying, "I knew that bastard knocked up someone in his sorted past!" let me elaborate: my son is four footed and about twelve inches long.

It was Chippy, my little fifteen year old poodle mix, the dog that we have affectionately named, "The Black Bastard" due to his surly attitude and black hair.   On Wednesday, Amy picked Chippy up off the floor and noticed a swollen spot under his eye.  I thought nothing of it as Chippy has had allergies before that has caused this same kind of swelling, but by the next day he was listless and the spot on his face had doubled in size.

I frantically called vet after vet looking for someone to see him, but no one would until the end of the week.  One of the heartless bastards even suggested that I save myself the trouble and put him to sleep him since he was so old.  Yeah, nice company line jackoff.  You won't be getting my business.

Even if any of the Fort Worth vets could see Chippy, they were quoting us prices of anywhere between 200 and 500 dollars, something that we can't afford.  None of them would put us on a payment plan, none of them gave a shit whether my dog lived or died.

Let me put this to you another way.  I have had this dog since I was a sophomore in high school way back in 1991.  This dog saw me graduate, saw me go to college, get a radio gig, get married, and get a college diploma.  I've had this dog literally half my life and there's no way in hell I was just going to give up on him.

So, I put Chippy in the car and drove back to my old home town of San Angelo some 250 miles away.  There, I saw Chippy's old vet who confirmed that my old man had a very nasty molar infection and had to be treated immediately.  He gave me some powerful antibiotics and told me flat out that Chippy had a 50/50 chance.  As old as the dog was, he wasn't going to risk putting him under to operate on him.

So, I took my little old man to my mom's house where I've stayed for the last few days.  Chippy had a couple of bad nights and I was sure that he was going to die before the sun came up, but just as quickly as he got sick, he got better and now - aside from a very gross oozing sore on the side of his face - he's as good as new... or at least as good as he can be.

So that's my story.  That's where I've been since Wednesday.  Chippy is home and sleeping comfortably and is as grouchy and bastardly as ever.  Chippy and all my dogs are my babies and you don't fuck with my babies.

I know Chippy's old and that I'm going to have to let go of him someday soon, but that day isn't now and, if I can help it, it won't be for a good damned while either.


 

JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE!
Justice Squad sticks it to Ann Coulter!  Admit it, you want to read it now, don't you?
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP
Jackass Number Two is on the menu for this week as well as a special gallery devoted to that shitty Cuba Gooding jr. movie, Radio!
THE CRAP SHOPPE
We've upgraded to a premium shop and there are fucktons of new stuff for sale!  Go buy some of our shit and help us pay for this crappy site!

And I'm spent.  I promise, a better update is coming on Friday!


 

Friday October 6, 2006

ANOTHER NEW BUNNY
So the last Bugs Bunny replacement was a little too scary and extreme... meet HIS replacement!
BEER DOG
Apparently, this dog is a mean drunk.
BUSH GETS OWNED
Tim Ryan calls the Bush-heads out right on the House floor.
CLIPART ANIMATION
A short cartoon made entirely with 787 different pieces of clipart.  Neat!
THE DOLLY PARTON SONG
It's our exclusive tribute to a legendary entertainer!
INTERSECTION REPORT
A news crew reports on a dangerous traffic intersection.  Apparently, they weren't kidding.
THE MUPPET MATRIX
The Matrix recast with Muppets.  That's about it.
NATALIE PORTMAN RAP
This is the legendary skit you've heard so much about! 
NES BACK TO THE FUTURE
The Angry Nintendo Nerd takes a look back at the Back to the Future game.
OLBERMANN ON CLINTON INTERVIEW
Keith Olbermann once again tells it how it is.
HOW SUPERMAN SHOULD HAVE ENDED
Too bad Supes didn't think things through like in this parody.
WEIGHTLESS
See first hand the effects of zero-gravity on a poor unsuspecting creature!

QUICK JOKE I

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I  can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off  your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

QUICK JOKE II

A Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

QUICK JOKE III

This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"

She replies, "NO!"

Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"

To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"

QUICK JOKE IV

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.

The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

QUICK JOKE V

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears.

"Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....."

The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to sleep with my two sons...."

The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!


Are you gay?  I just notice that there is a lot of gay stuff in your cafepress shop.

~Mike

Dear MIke,

You bet I'm gay!  You won't find anyone more happy than me!  Now by my gay stuff, you faggot!

Love,
Donner

DONNER'S TV ROUNDUP

LOST

Will someone please tell the producers of this show that they absolutely cannot... and I can't stress this enough... cannot have a season premiere without a little revelation or at least some new and interesting questions?   I mean, sure... the shot of the plane breaking up over the island was pretty sweet, but the rest of the episode?  Blah!  I waited all fucking Summer to watch three people in cages and to learn that Jack is a dick.  Big shock there!

SURVIVOR

Officially lost steam.  Put a fork in it, it's done.

JERICHO

Getting better and better with every episode.  Three nights in and I'm hooked.  I want to know what's going on?  What's Hawkin's up to?  Why no radiation?  Who attacked?  I will say though, that it's disheartening that even after a nuclear apocalypse, there will still be teen cliques.  Fuckers.

SOUTH PARK

The World of Warcraft episode was brilliant.  I just got back into watching this show and I'm loving it all over again.... first for it's foulness and now because of its slyness.

FREAKSHOW

MOTHERFUCKERS!  I AM SUING EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! JUSTICE SQUAD IS MY BABY!  MINE!!!

THE AMAZING RACE

I'm really enjoying this season mainly due to the lack of assholes.  Yeah, they're some assholes in the game like Rob and Kimberly and people I can't stand like Tom and Terry, but overall I like and care about everyone in the race and when someone gets eliminated it kills me.

PROJECT RUNWAY

My wife watches this show.  I hate it.  When will this fucking thing be over!?  They've been down to the final four for a month now!

THE LEGION OF SUPERHEROES

It's not Justice League, but it's nowhere near the badness of The Batman or the annoying fake anime of Teen Titans.  I hate some of the character designs and the first episode was awkward, but overall... not bad.  I love that big brass theme song.

THE NINE

Got it Tivo'ed and will give thoughts later.

DRAWN TOGETHER

Ditto


 

JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE!
It's the return of The F-Men!  Catch them in their very LAST Justice Squad adventure!
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP
This week we declared open season on Open Season and took part in the Super Happy Video Game Challenge!
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS
Open Season and Jackass Number Two are on the chopping block.  One I liked, the other I didn't.
THE CRAP SHOPPE
There's even more gay crap for sale!  Check it out!

And that's it.  Go away.


 

 

Friday October 13, 2006

BAD LUCK
What better way to spend Friday the 13th than watching other people's bad luck?
BERT BLYLEVEN FUCKS UP
You'd think that they would know when they're on live and when they're not.
BUGGER!
This poor guy doesn't seem to be having a very good Friday the 13th.
CAT IN A BOTTLE
Is there no place safe from kitties?  No place at all?  At least they resisted the urge to screw the cap back on.
C FOR COOKIE
The Sesame Street gang in a war of ideals, liberty, and cookies!
FASCISM AT WORK
An underage teen is arrested for carrying a sign that says "FUCK BUSH."  Kiss your civil rights  good-bye, kids!
FRIDAY THE 13TH ON NES
Ever seen the Friday the 13th Nintendo game?  Ever seen it beat in three minutes?
IT'S ALL AROUND YOU
An interesting and eye-opening look at death, chance, luck, and how things with astronomical odds happen every day.
KITT vs. KARR
This classic Knight Rider clip goes to show that Michael Knight and KITT have a short attention span. 
LIGHT-EMITTING T-SHIRTS
Looks cool, but I dread the day some puck ass wears one of these to a movie theater.
THE SIMS 2: FRIDAY THE 13th
A Sims character has his worst Friday the 13th ever.
SLOSS FURNACE
Eyewitness accounts, history, and footage of the haunted Sloss Furnace in Birmingham Alabama.

QUICK JOKE I

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit. However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

QUICK JOKE II

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

QUICK JOKE III

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar,
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began
fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she
screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!


Is Snakes on a Plane not worth my ten dollars? (Canadian, 'natch)..

~The Nameless One

Dear The Nameless One,

Sorry, I only answer currency questions involving real money.

Love,
Donner

MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE...

So the long road to stable employment has been a treacherous one where I have been lied to, manipulated, and then hung out to dry... by schools!  You know, those institutions that are supposed to instill values in young people like not lying?  Thankfully, it looks like all of that is about to come to an end because I am just one piece of paper away from becoming a teacher.

It's not a nice school.  In fact, it's one of those schools that has the guard and metal detectors out front, but it will be a job and not a temporary thing which is what I've been working for over a year to get.  It's not the subject I want either, but at this point I'm not going to be choosy.

The worst part about the deal is that I'm going to have about 700 dollars deducted from each paycheck to cover certification and the district's "internship fees" which is a fancy way of saying, "You're going to pay us to pay you."

Still not complaining, though.  I feel like I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and things for me and my wife are about to get a whole lot easier financially wise.  We've even talked about starting a brood before the end of the year.

Anyway, that's the update on that.  I didn't do a Slightly Warped comic this week because I am uninspired and I'm a lazy bastard, but I am giving you a complete WTF!? panel from an early DC comic.  Enjoy!  Slightly Warped may be back next week.


 

JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE!
The first guest episode of the year!  Justice Squad goes camping, Luna, Devour, Wolfman, and Drew go hunting, and Jack and Bippo go fishing!  Nature may never recover!
THE ARCADE
The Halloween games are back along with a couple of new spook-tacular diversions!
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP
This week it's The Marine and, to be posted later on Friday the 13th, a tribute to RT poster JRSly!
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.  Yep, I saw it.  Why...
  THE CRAP SHOPPE
Battlestar Galactica fan shirts!  Are you a cylon?  If so, buy a shirt you cheap bastard!

And I'm spent.


 

 

Friday October 20, 2006

DEEP DEEP TROUBLE
Back in the golden age of Simpsons music!  This was the second and, I believe, last music video.  Funny stuff.
THE EVIL FRED PHELPS
From the famous Westborough Baptist Church, the church who pickets dead soldier's funerals. 
THE HORNY EFFECT
Not what you think, pervert.  This is a cool video effect...
HOW LOTR SHOULD HAVE ENDED
Of course... it makes more sense.  But where the fun in that?
MAX HEADROOM TV PIRATE
In 1987 someone pirated the signal from a TV station and transmitted an odd message.
NES: McKIDS
The Angry Nintendo Nerd is back with a review of McKids, the McDonald's game!
MORE MORE NEWS BLOOPERS
Live TV is the worst place to be when stuff goes wrong.
OLBERMANN ON RUMSFELD
Keith goes to show that not only is he the greatest political host on TV, but also a great American.
THE TIME OF THE GREAT PUMPKIN
Robot Chicken's awesome parody of the Peanut's Halloween special.
TOP GUN IS GAY
Is Top Gun really the story of a man's struggle and acceptance of his own homosexuality?
STUCK
The perils of traveling on an escalator is that sometimes it gets stuck.  Then what do you do?
UNICEF SMURF AD
This is that ad that got so much attention.  Me, I would have loved to see this happen in the TV show. 

QUICK JOKE I

A Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit.

Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by  providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy godmother said, "Put this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by  the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."

So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1..2...3am and no sign of Cinderella.

Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What  on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've  been worried sick about you."

"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named Peter-Peter."

QUICK JOKE II

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest  and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the  Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I  am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the  minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then  states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex  were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

QUICK JOKE III

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key.""

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!


Will we reconcile quantum physics and the larger Newtonian model in our lifetime?

~Scribbling

Dear Scribbling,

That depends on how old you are. If you're 98... probably not.

Love,
Donner

How big is God?

~Guami

Dear Guami,

God is so big that his bellybutton has an echo.

Love,
Donner

 

SCHOOL DAZED

This last week I began an illustrious career as a professional educator.  It's been a long year for me, a year of being unemployed and going back to school and working my ass off to get my certification and then being fucked over and lied to by every school from Dallas to El Paso.

Of course, I don't want to say exactly where I work because I don't want my adoring fans coming after me there screaming, "When are you going to get off your lazy ass and make another Slightly Warped comic!?" but let's just say that it's inner city and in a bad neighborhood.

It's not horrible, though... granted, it's not the dream job that the district told me I was going to have at the beginning of the year, but the classes are mostly manageable and the students are, on the whole, pretty decent.  There's some bad apples in there, but we've also got large security men and I have no problem calling mammas if I have to.

And so, my time has just been cut in half... and that half has been sliced into quarters.  I'm still going to manage this website and do my damnedest to bring you the best of the mediocre, but don't get pissy if things start to slack off.

Who knows... I might me teaching you or your kid.  Don't take it as a threat, simply a fact.

Admit it, you always knew Spock would drop Wolverine's ass.


 

JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE!
Did you like Superman Returns?  Who gives a damn!  It's CAPEMAN RETURNS!!!
THE ARCADE
The Halloween games are back along with a couple of new spook-tacular diversions!
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP
This week we're haunting up The Grudge 2 and it's another round of Movie Poster Remix!
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS
Coming later this week... reviews of The Grudge 2, Man of the Year, The Departed, and more!
THE CRAP FACTORY
Just in time for Halloween, it's an addition to THE GHASTLY GHOST GALLERY and a new Halloween-themed round of PHOTOSHOP TENNIS!!!

Gotta go.  There's the school bell.


 

 

Monday October 30, 2006

THE CAT WITH HANDS
A surreal and disturbing Halloween spooky story.
DON'T SCARE BLACK PEOPLE
Seriously... don't scare a brother.
FOAMY HALLOWEEN
Foamy the Squirrel rants about Halloween and how it's become  commercialized.
FRIDAY THE 13th MEMORIES
Jason's greatest hits from all eleven movies he's been in.
IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN
The entire classic Peanuts special.
MICHAEL MYERS TRIBUTE
The Shape gets his due in this salute to the Halloween movies.
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF A PUMPKIN
A cherished holiday from a new and horrible perspective.
NIGHTMARE AT 60,000 FEET
Take the greatest episode of The Twilight Zone and mix it with the remake from the movie.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
A salute to Freddy and the bad dreams he brings us.
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
The classic George Romero masterpiece presented here in its entirety!
THRILLER
It wouldn't be Halloween without a nostalgic look back at Michael Jackson's kickass video!
WORLD'S SCARIEST GHOSTS
See some of the most incredible ghost footage ever caught on camera!

QUICK JOKE I

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground.  The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!" 

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch." "

QUICK JOKE II

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favorites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny.

'Are you the rear end of an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny again.

'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'

QUICK JOKE III

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't  have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back  to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing  practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy,  and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got  into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled  and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear  friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the Novocain in the Vaseline!" "

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!


Is it true that Evil Kitty ate the real Donner last month, and has been impersonating him online ever since while she waits the 6-8 weeks for the nuclear bomb shipments to arrive from Iran?

~Ifurita

Dear Ifurita,

That's nonsense. Why, the very insinuation makes my tail twitch angrily.

Love,
Donner

OK. If people like Oreos for their creamy center, then why not make Oreos without the cookie. Cookieless Oreos. Or make it like sandwiches. If you want the cookie, you have to buy it seperately and assemble the thing yourself. I don't want Oreos with cookie and cream already premade. I like to make it myself homemade. That way I can control the cream to cookie ratio.

~Miscreation

Dear Miscreation,

Humanity is not yet ready to take that step. Sure, one person could probably decide on a moderate amount of center cream, but a person is smart while people as a whole are a large stupid mob. Soon, we would have creamy center shortages as packages would start to rise in price due to the demand. Next thing you know, all you can afford is that terrible dry cookie outside and you're thinking to yourself... Hey, wasn't it great when this stuff was rationed? The good people at Nabisco know what they are doing and until our species learns concepts like restraint and compassion, they must take care of us in their loving cooking making ways.

Love,
Donner

 

I AM THE WORST WEBMASTER OF ALL TIME

So, in case you've missed the news, I am a high school teacher at an inner city school now.  Sure, when I took the job I thought I would have all the time in the world to devote to my beloved website just like I did when I was unemployed but now I see that is not the case and it's so goddamned unfair.

As a matter of fact, i have found that my beloved free time has gone out the window, dissapearing as thought it was nothing but a barely remembered dream.  As I grade laughably failed vocabulary tests and poorly written homework assignments I can assume were done by wild monkeys, I pine for the days when I could wake up at 10 AM and work on my site until late in the afternoon.  Oh, what times those were.

And where has this job gotten me exactly?  More work?  More people to have to deal with?  Snot-nosed punks and their equally snot-nosed parents, none of which are willing to take responsibility for the dumbassery of either party?  Endless paperwork so that the government can take a look at what I'm teaching, find out what works, and then figure out a way to fuck it up?

Updates on a Monday?  What the FUCK!?

And so, this is my life now.  Reduced to a tedious job that is so below my station that it's not even funny.  Why do I do this again?  Why do I compromise myself in this degrading manner?

*Takes a look at paycheck*

Oh right.

Wow, Batman is a dick.


 

JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE!
It's the return of Queen Fable in Justice Squad's very last Halloween episode!
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP
It's our annual Halloween Bash and a photoshop contest involving Saw III!
THE CRAP FACTORY
Just in time for Halloween, The Ghastly Ghost Gallery has DOUBLED in size!  Check out the new ghost pictures if you dare!

Happy Halloween, everyone!