Monday November 6, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese
twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
QUICK JOKE II
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,
and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is
it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other
side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
QUICK JOKE III
Seventy year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with great results.
Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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wots appin kidaaaaa ya sites a belta lad keep it
up...... liam smith iz da best name ever 1 of da boyz name was da true
nogzie solider from liverpool in a bit lad peace out da nogzie ppl
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Dear nogga dog 4 lyf,
I always knew one day that one of my English students would happen upon this website. Your final composition better be much better written than what you just turned in, young man!
Love,
Donner
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Do you like making love in a
pool of aborted fetuses? |
Dear Gertso,
Not as much as you would think. Fetus pools are very hard to maintain. The filters are always getting clogged, the fetuses have to be replaced every other day or they start to smell, and when you get out of the pool you have crushed fetus goo all over you and in your ass crack. Then, on top of all of that, you have to keep the neighborhood dogs out of it. Honestly, a fetus pool just isn't worth the time or headache.
Love,
Donner
THE CONTINUING DRUDGE...
Even though I'm a whole hell of a lot more busy now thanks to commitments to my school and my new teaching duties, I think I'm finally getting a handle on this whole time management thing that's been eluding me for the last few weeks.
The updates will be a Monday thing from now on as Sundays are about the only time I can sit down and do serious work on the site. Justice Squad will still be showing up every Friday as planned until I decide to change that up too.
If you're a fan of the movie page, don't fret. Although updates there will be less frequent, I do have a backlog of, like, five movies I haven't written reviews for including The Grudge 2, Thank You for Smoking, and The Departed which has become my new favorite number one movie of the year.
Jesse and I have begun work on The Legion of Lame-Asses VII... or is it VIII? Anyway, whatever number we're up to it's going to be the latest installment since the last one!
That's about all I've got for this week. Let me end by saying, VOTE EVERYONE! There's nothing that the asses in power hate more than everyday blokes and young people going to the polls eager for change. Hate the status quo? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Wow, Lois is a bitch.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad and Crime Squad face off in their last battle and this time we're not copping out! No universal balance and no bullcrap will stop this battle of epic proportions! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP This week, we've taken on Borat and have a super special awesome contest involving The Muppets! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY There's a new Awesome Mystery You've Never Heard Of! DC: The Demon Cat of Washington! |
Seacrest out.
Monday November 12, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog. He takes
the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head.
The druggist says "May I help you?"
The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around."
QUICK JOKE II
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with
her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem
to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you
ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I
actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very
angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this
further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once
during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw
his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
QUICK JOKE III
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his
six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and
finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the
way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark
Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Who will be the Republican nominee for President in
2008, and when will we get to see evil kitty devour him on live
television? |
Dear Sho'nuff,
Evil Kitty will not be devouring a Republican as putting them in office is all part of her master plan for world domination. It will not be until after the takeover that she plans to devour the President on live TV... although I am told she will keep several Reblublicans alive as part of her cabinet.
Love,
Donner
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*raises hand* |
Dear MikeofallTrades,
In case of (I say imminent) zombie holocaust, my plan is to head for Barrow, Alaska and hold up there until the danger passes. You've got oil for fuel, seals for food, and - if my suspicion is correct and zombies are cold-blooded, they will freeze solid in the winter allowing you to refortify and dispose of them at your leisure.
Which brings me to the second question... my weapon of choice is the good old machete. Never mess with a classic, I say!
Love,
Donner
TELL ME I'M DREAMING...
It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in the apartment of a friend of mine listening to him complain sadly about George W. Bush getting re-elected and watching all of the progress of the last 30 years go out the window. I told him then that politics and public tastes are like a pendulum and that eventually, people would swing back to the left of course, back then I was every bit as depressed and pessimistic as he was. I don't think I really believed it.
And then I wake up last Tuesday to my greatest dream and Dubya's greatest nightmare... a Democratic House and Senate. King George's power to bully and control gone with one swift smite of the public saying, "Fuck you, Bush! This is AMERICA!" Just like that, even though the illegal war with Iraq is still going, even though the lame duck congress will still try to pass ridiculous legislation before their time is up, and even though the possibility of Bush getting impeached for his crimes is still small, I have instantaneous faith in this people of this country again to recognize evil in our own ranks and actually do something about it.
I thank everyone who got out and voted to reclaim this great land and offer congratulations to the newest members of congress and with it, this plea. You were not chosen because you were Democrat, you were chosen because people wanted change. Don't sit under that dome in Washington and grow complacent and arrogant as the Republicans did before you lest the pendulum swing back to the right again.
Judging how things have gone the last six years, that's something that none of us can afford to do again.
Hmmm... how was she killed? That's a real mystery!
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad's greatest foe, Rich E. Mogul, emerges again to regain power in Washington! Can Justice Squad take on this villain when he has the whole country on his side? |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP The animated movie, Flushed Away, gets a Photoshop makeover! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS I've got a new favorite movie of 2006! Find out what it is as three new reviews are finally put up! There's more to come! |
Until next week, kids.
Monday November 20, 2006
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PAUL
& FRANK ARE NOT GAY
QUICK JOKE I
This guy is driving in the country when he gets pulled over by a
motorcycle cop. The cop goes up to the man who is waiting in his
car and says, "Sir, I pulled you over because you didn't stop at that
stop sign down the road."
The driver gets an attitude and replies, "I slowed down for it."
Patiently, the cop answers, "You're supposed to stop."
"Stop... Slow down," the snotty driver yells at him, "What's the fucking difference!?"
The cop grabs the man and pulls him out of his car and then proceed to take his nightstick and starts beating the man with it for ten straight minutes. After this, the cop leans down and asks him, "Now... You want me to stop or slow down?'
QUICK JOKE II
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for
their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time
standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short
one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation
any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife
answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him.""
QUICK JOKE III
A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped
to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he
stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please
tell me where your library is at?"
The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."
The senior thougth about it for a minute and then said, "Can you tell me where your library is at, asshole?""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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If you had to have sex with a man, who would it be? |
Dear Sir Dickwin of Cockmore,
M. Night Shyamalan... Just so I can make him feel what I felt like when I watched Lady in the Water.
Love,
Donner
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My daughter wants to re-name
one of our cats "Evil Kitty." Is the name copyrighted? |
Dear Doctor Penguin,
No, but I feel that I must warn you. Thanks to an ancient Druish curse, once you re-name your cat "Evil Kitty," it will grow to three times its size, kill your children, drink their blood, and call forth a demon which will devour the sun.
Love,
Donner
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I was supposed to be in Colorado this week, but things fell through as they have a bad habit of doing lately and so I'm about to spent my first Thanksgiving in three decades alone with only my wife here. No family, just me and the misses.
I'm not completely broken up about it. We're going to spend it with a friend of ours and her kids who don't have any family to speak of. I know it sounds corny, but it really does make me thankful that I have such an enormous family to fall back on.
Anyway, it's late and I'm about to pass out. I just wanted to chime in for this week and promise that a decent damn update is coming next Monday since I have this week off.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
This is why so many men read Wonder Woman comics.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Drew and Ivy spend some time together... trapped in a parallel dimension! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Casino Royale is on the chopping block! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Casino Royale is on the chopping block! (Deja Vu!) Borat, Hoot, and The Grudge 2 reviews coming soon! |
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THE ARCADE Deck the Halls! The Christmas-themed games are back! |
Until next time, turkeys!
Tuesday November 28, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that
said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping
down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut
down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving
door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde. "What do you want?"
"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"'
QUICK JOKE II
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How
much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
The assistant replies, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $25.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $25.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$495.00"
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." "
QUICK JOKE III
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a piñata?" "
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
I don't give to shits about your treasonous behavior,
you must be bill mahr's boyfriend. |
Dear F.U.,
Oh dear me, no... I've been burned by Mr. Mahr before. Sure, snuggled in his arms in front of the fireplace is a fond memory that I will always cherish, but Billy-Poo (as he liked to be called) is too wild for me and unable to be tamed.
Also, if you don't give a shit, why are you taking the time to write? Not to mention, check spelling, getting help with the big words, and learning how to use a computer? Admit it, snookie, your life revolves around me.
Love,
Donner
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~Mike12000 |
white power Dear Mike12000,
There is only one white power over me, son, and that's the power of White Chocolate Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.
Wait a minute... Milke... Michael Richards is that you!?
Love,
Donner
DAMN ME AND MY LACK OF FREE TIME
So, here was my situation... I was going to Colorado for a week just to get away. I was taking my laptop so I could work on Justice Squad scripts and The Legion of Lame-Asses VII and what happens? The entire trip falls through at the last minute and the little woman and I find ourselves trapped in Texas over the holiday.
Eh, that's fine, right? I can just kick back at home, right? Heh... WRONG! We don't spend a single night of our holiday at home, instead we spend it babysitting the monster dogs of my in-laws over at their place and, to make matters worse, their house has some horrible stench in it like a dead animal... almost what I would expect Harry Knowles to smell like.
We have a family friend and her kids over for Thanksgiving which is nice, but results in a lot of dishes, cooking, and work. Nerves between my wife and I were frayed and we got into shouting matches quite a bit.
Finally, on Sunday which is supposed to be the one day out of the entire holiday week we actually got to stay at home, the wife decides it would be a perfect day to go get a tree and decorate for Christmas... only to continually bitch about the mess and work later on.
To make matters worse, I didn't catch up on a smidgeon of my work, I'm more behind on Justice Squad now than ever before, and LOLA 7 is at a standstill. Curse you, lack of free time!
So, Monday rolls around and I'm exhausted. The kids come into class and act like complete assholes and all I can think of is, "why don't you all just drop out and get it done with?"
Yeah, my mood is rather sour. I've already decreed that my wife and I will disappear for a week over the Christmas break and we won't tell a single soul where we went.
So, how was your holiday?
Batman hates i-ce cream.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad travels back in time, meets the famous Justice Guild, and then screws up all of creation! Can they fix things and set time right? |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Borat and The Grudge 2 reviewed! |
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THE ARCADE Deck the Halls! The Christmas-themed games are back! |
Seasons greetings, chumps.