Monday December 4, 2006
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THE FART
FIRE INCIDENT
QUICK JOKE I
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a
large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen
what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and
change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at
it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the
mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young
lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman
enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were
gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey,
how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'
QUICK JOKE II
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market
looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one
that could service all of his many hens.
He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just the
rooster for you". Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the
henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
"Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as he
was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much
squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his way
with each hen.
But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the
horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to
the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dom,
you'll kill yourself."
But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there on
his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his
long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom.
The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you
did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."
QUICK JOKE III
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
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|
Do you like
apples? |
Dear Mr. Right,
I love apples. I love to squish them up into mush and then rub them on myself, fondling my undercarriage into a ravenous climax. I also like pie.
Love,
Donner
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When you're caught slacking off at work, what excuse do you find to be the most effective? ~NervousEdge |
Dear NervousEdge,
Get compromising photos of your boss and you'll find that excuses... or work for that matter aren't nessesary.
Love,
Donner
IDEALISM
First of all, check this out. I have myspace now. Ain't I just special?
So, basically at this point in my freshman year of teaching, I'm couting down the days until Christmas Break and I can catch up on a few things... one of them being sleep. You ever hear the old line about teachers being underpaid and overworked? I'll be darned if that's not true.
It's not all bad. Granted, I'm teaching in a rather rough school with its share of rough characters, but I am getting those rewarding moments that I've been told I would get but really never believed I would. Mostly, they come when these kids finally realize that you care about whether they pass or fail.
As cheesy as it sounds, I really do. I don't want to see a single kid in my class fail a single test, paper, or subject. Granted, there are several I'd like to smack right in the fact with a shoe, but even them I don't want to see fail.
I'm not sure how to put this in words, but... I don't want to see them next year. Why should I suffer because they're too stupid to pass a test?
All right, I kid a bit. But I do... I get off on helping these kids succeed. Who knows, maybe this is my legacy to the future... showing these kids, many from broken homes, rough backgrounds, and poverty level living, that there is something better out there waiting for them if they're willing to work for it.
Freshmen teacher idealism? Perhaps, but I've made it perfectly clear that the second I stop caring whether my kids pass or fail is the day that I will quit this profession.
Ronald Reagan kicks ass.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Rich E. Mogul finally goes to trial for his crimes, but is this a case Justice Squad is destined to loose? |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Deck the Halls! Bad Merchandising! Superhero Casting Call! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Check out the review of Flushed Away! |
Until next week, peeps!
Monday December 11, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of
it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask
Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a
pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fucking there
beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I
want to see a mother-fucking train going around the goddamned tree, and
when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fucking bike leaning up
against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile
of dog shit.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the
Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge
pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad
smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son
of a bitch."'
QUICK JOKE II
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork up his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork up your ass?"
The other guy says,"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Genie came oozing out. He
said, 'I am a Genie, I can grant you one wish.' And I said, 'No Shit!'"
QUICK JOKE III
One, on an airplane, there was a gay flight attendant.
At one point, he bounced over and announced, "The Captain has asked me
to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if
you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
One woman on the plane wouldn't do as he asked.
A few moments later, the flight attendant came back and said to her,
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I
asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the
plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again
to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a
queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
hey people what yall doin? |
Dear Jackie,
Don't put on your false facade and act like you are my best friend all of the sudden. Where were you when I was getting picked on by the school bully in grade school? Where was your happy ass when I was fighting cancer? Where were YOU when I needed a best man for my wedding? If I needed a kidney, would you give me one?
Wait a minute... THAT's what this is about, isn't it? You want my kidney don't you, you son of a bitch! You can have my kidney when you pry it out of my cold dead hand, you carpetbagger! Get ye gone!
Love,
Donner
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How many fingers behind my back? ~Samcat |
Dear Samcat,
You have fingers growing out of your back? What kind of abomination are you!?
Love,
Donner
RANDOM THOUGHTS
A couple of things I have to get off my chest.
First of all, you may cry, whine, curse, and scream... but you can't change the truth: American Dad is better than Family Guy.
Secondly, kids... you may find this hard to fathom, but teachers look foreword to the holiday break just as much as you do. As a matter of fact, we look foreword to it more than you do just because we don't have to put up with you for two weeks.
Third: I think we need to bring back the dunce hat or some other form of public humiliation for the stupid. I say this not out of hatred for stupid people, but to bring up a motivation to possibly encourage them to stop being so damn stupid!
More specfically, I'm referring to students. I know that's a terrible and awful thing to say, but you don't have to put up with students like I do. Some of them are bright and don't require their hand held through every little moment of the day, but others... they're just fucking stupid and need to be reminded of how stupid they are.
I kid you not, this is how a normal day starts with me.
I'll walk in and write "Reading comprehension: Page 156," and then, in a stern voice say, "Open your books to page 156."
Within a second, someone wants clarification, "What page?"
"Page 156," I repeat. "Today, we're going to look at..."
"What page we on?"
"Page 156," I say again. "Today, we're going to check your..."
"Mister, what page are we on?"
I point to the board, "Page 156! Today, we're going to check your comprehension skills by reading the-"
"What page are we on?"
I start to get irritated here, "It's written on the board. Pleae stop interrupting me and turn to the correct page. Page 156. Now, like I was saying-"
"What page?"
"How many times am I going to have to repeat this? You have eyes, you have ears, what's the problem here? Page 156. Do not ask me again! Now, we're going to read this passage and check your comprehen-"
"Mister?"
"Goddammit, it's on page 156 you stupid little SHIT!"
"Can I go to the restroom?"
All right, so I made that last part up, but I swear - my hand to God - that first part is exactly how the day starts. The stupidity doesn't end there either. These kids can't spell, they can't write, they can't use any words that consist of over two sylables, some of them can hardly talk, and they all have this weird idea that they are going to be rich in five years.
Call is a failure of society, a failure of the education system, or a failure of the nation as a whole... there's no way of pussyfooting around this, these kids are fucking stupid and they need to be reminded of this fact and be made ashamed of it! None of this, "Oh, that might hurt their feelings" crap or, "Oh, let's make the lowest grade we can give them a 50 so they won't feel too bad!"
Screw that! Bring back the dunce cap, public humiliation, and corporeal punishment! Weed out the stupid, give them manual labor jobs, and concentrate on the small number who actually might - and actually care to - make something of themselves.
Dammit, I can't wait to get back in Elementary!
Batman hates Christmas.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Rich E. Mogul is on trial, so why does it seem like Justice Squad is getting all the heat? |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Get Happy with Happy Feet! |
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PHOTOSHOP TENNIS It's a brand new Christmas and holiday themed edition of Photoshop Tennis! Ho, ho, ho! |
Eh, go away. I'm done with the lot of you.
Monday December 18, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
Back in the 18th century in a mining town out west,a woman walked into a
saloon. Suddenly she realized that she was not in the general store so
she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk
cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, "Come on
over, Ma'am, sit yerself down right here next to me and have yerself a
drink.
"Thank you kindly Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't," replied the woman, "on account that I need to get bread."
The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!"
QUICK JOKE II
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping
as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how our wives are doing?"
QUICK JOKE III
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,
"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat
on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
QUICK JOKE IV
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they
presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him
a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The
breakfast was my idea."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
First of all, you said that the new LOLA would be up by
November and it isn't....also what kind of stupid comment do I have to
make to get on your mail call? |
Dear Monica,
To answer your last question first, since that's the kind of reckless rebel that I am, you just did it baby. Congratulations.
Now, to answer your first question last, since that's the devil-may-care nonconformist I am, about LOLA and my promise that it would be ready by November... Baby, I say lots of things I don't mean. Things like, "Work, study, and do your best and you can do anything." or "Of course you were my first, baby, and I promise the condom wasn't necessary." Point is, don't believe anything I say. Not even this!
I can say with all honesty... or not... that The Legion of Lame-Asses VII is being written as we speak and, hopefully, will be up by the end of the year. Or not.
Love,
Donner
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i think you should update the star wars section. preferably with something poking fun at obi-wan and padme. *growls in hatred of obidala* i could wirte an anti-obidala thing for you. but you'll need to revise it. i'm terrible at pure humor. i always include a serious plot. yeeeeeeeeeesh, no one knew trying to learn how to write a damned decent Star Wars book was so damned hard! ~Julia Farrell |
Dear Julia Farrell,
I haven't touched, looked at, or even thought about doing anything to the Star Wars page in years... however, if you wish to write something be is about Obi-wan and Padme, C3P0 and R2-D2, or Emperor Palpetine's left testicle, it iis a free country (at least until Evil Kitty takes it all over) and that is your choice. Personally, I think I'm mostly done with my parody writing career.
Just make sure it doesn't suck.
Love,
Donner
SURVIVOR
Thank you, CBS, for what has to the the absolute most boring season of Survivor in the show's history. When Jeff got up on stage during the reunion finale and called it the best season yet, I wanted to reach through my TV and slap the shit out of him.
That's not to say that the season didn't start out promising... the idea of dividing tribes by races, whites, blacks, Asians, and Latinos was a daring social experiment and really got me interested in what would happen. What did happen? After three weeks, they integrated the tribes, buckled under their own pussiness, and ended the experiment.
Thanks for taking away daring TV, guys.
And so, we were treated to the same-old same-old of pretty boy male models and skinny as rail vacant chicks going through the motions of what's been gone through for the last 13 seasons. We had the heroes, the villans, and everything you would expect. Personally, I wanted to stop watching, but my wife was interested in the show and we only have one TV.
So, the predictable finale rolls around and it's Yul vs. Ozzie the porn star (yes, he really is. Look it up some time). Ozzie was the brawn, Yul was the brains and who was going to win? Who gives a shit!? Boring, boring, boring!!!
CBS has fallen into a predictable pattern of getting boring pretty people on these shows and forgetting that it's unattractive people like Richard , Rupert, and Tom that make the show watchable and interesting to Joe Q. Public and Jane W. Couchpotato. They need to shake things up or this series will go even more quickly down the tubes.
Since I am such a nice and creative man, I have decided to help out and offer my (serious) suggestions on how to save Survivor.
Idea #1: A cast made out of nothing but fat people. Seriously, you want entertainment? Throw a bunch of out of shape fat people onto an island and watch them try and survive. Sure, the challenges would have to be a little easier like walking uphill or a pie eating contest, but you wouldn't be able to pick the winner out in the first three weeks!
Idea #2: Muslims vs. Jews. Two tribes, one Muslims and the other, you guessed it... Jews! Don't tell them what the difference is, just let them figure it out themselves and watch the fun happen. With they hate each other? Will they come together as an example to humanity? Who knows?
Idea #3: Ultimate Survivor. This one might skirt legalities, but hear me out. The show picks the cast without their knowledge and goes to their house and kidnaps them. Then, they fly them out in whatever they have on and drop them off on the island. Complete shock, no time to prepare... you can't make fire? Fuck you!
Idea #4: Survivor Alaska: The island themes have gotten boring so lets mix it up a little. Take a cast full of male models and skinny skanks, make them think they're going somewhere tropical, and then drop them off on an island in the Inside Passage. Watch them suffer. I'm dead serious about this, folks... everything old will be new again. Where will they get food? They can't swim for it? How will they stay warm when al they brought are swimsuits and tanning oil?
Idea #5: Survivor Crystal Lake: Have a large cast, say... thirty people and then have a famous Survivor from the past... someone like Rob or Rupert or even Ozzie out by himself without the cast's knowledge. This Survivor alum will be the "killer" and will kidnap and "kill" Survivors one at a time. Don't tell the cast what is going on, let them figure it out. If the alum manages to "kill" all the survivors, then he or she gets two million dollars. The last survivor wins.
Those are my ideas for saving this show. CBS... call me.
Batman hates Santa.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Someone's trying to destroy the universe... BEFORE the threat that will destroy the universe gets here! What's going on and who's doing it? Find out now! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS What's the deal with Apocalypto? Read now to find Tuesday! |
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EVIL KITTY CONQUERS THE
UNIVERSE! Evil Kitty avatars! |
The tribe has spoken.
Friday December 22, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
One day, when Jesus Christ was but a young lad, he ran into the house
excited about something and forgot to close the front door.
Mary, ever annoyed, called to him, "What's a matter with you? Were you born in a barn!?"
QUICK JOKE II
One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union
was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs.
Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the
hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed
to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let
down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the
reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new
lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa
slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door
is gonna get it!"
At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open
and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for
the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it
found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering
where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.
QUICK JOKE III
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many
hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else
imaginable, and hearing both her children asking for everything
they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it out of the
store and to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time
of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every
housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect
gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we
don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we
respond to everyone who sends us a card. Not to mention, getting
the kids everything they ask for.
Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in
the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her
two kids in with her, along with all her bags of stuff.
When the doors closed, she let out a big sigh and decided she couldn't
take it anymore, saying out loud, to no one in particular, "Whoever
started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!"
From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded,
"Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
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Dear Sara,
To be perfectly honest, I'm a little freaked out by your letter. What guys wanna talk? Who was your English teacher? Yoda?
Anyway, deciphering your question or statement to the best of my ability... and that means hitting myself in the head with a hammer until I am at your mental level... I believe you have inquired if there are any guys here who wish to talk to you.
Sorry, we're not in to fat chicks.
Love,
Donner
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
You may have noticed that the update is a little early this week. All I can say is, Merry Christmas!
Actually, I'm going to be gone all weekend to celebrate Christmas with my folks in West Texas and then, I'm going to be too busy to do a real update on Monday. Why? Oh, I'll tell you why... There's a reason. A real reason.
I
bought a house! That's right, me! Mister "Oh, You'll Never Amount to
Anything" bought himself a house and not just any house, but a fucking beautiful
house.
It's a two story, three bedroom, two and a half bathroom home - though how I am to take a crap on half a toilet is a mystery to me.
Evil Kitty has already claimed the upstairs and downstairs and I have been relegated to the attic. I'm not complaining, though, because it's still bigger than the linen closet I currently live in.
So, for the next week I will be moving boxes, furniture, and trying desperately to hook up internet at the new place in time for next week's update. If you don't see an update next week, that's the reason.
So, I'm home for the holidays. Finally, I'm home.
Who says the Justice League has no standards?
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad's last ever Christmas episode! Bring in the joy, bring in the funk! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Apocalypto and Thank You for Smoking reviews are up! |
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THE FORUMS @
SLIGHTLYWARPED.COM We're switching to new and better bulletin boards! Check out the new forums now! |
...and to all a good night.