The Slightly Warped Website

Friday February 3, 2006

QUICK JOKE

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

QUICK JOKE II

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.""

QUICK JOKE II

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

GOT JOKE?

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Shall we stay or shall we go?

It's a rollercoaster ride of anticipation and uncertainty at our humble household. First, we decide that we're not moving to Alaska after all and then, we decide that we are. My mother pretty much gave me a huge guilt trip about going away so far from family which she did when I almost moved to San Francisco and Hawaii, but none of my family have bothered to make the drive to Fort Worth to come see me despite the fact that I make the drive to go see them, so why the hell should I care?

Right now, everything's up in the air. Amy's a little apprehensive about going, but has gotten more excited when she checked out the homes in the Anchorage area and got wind of the fact that it's easier to adopt a kid when you're up there. I guess everything in hinging on if I can find employment up there and, believe me, I'm looking.

In other news, I'm sticking to my diet and workout regimen. Last year, if you remember, I resolved to trim my fat ass down, but went off the wagon around February. Well, as February 2006 rolls around, I'm pleased to report that there is now 20 pounds less of me, I've had once candy bar since the year began, and have picked up a single soft drink. We've got a ski trip planned for November up in Colorado and I've promised that if I can get down to a manageable weight, I'll go skiing again for the first time in about 15 years.

I'm feeling great about myself now and I'm mentally kicking myself for not doing this last year.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad Unlimited continues with a visit from Richie Rich and the return of Scooby Doo and Mystery Inc. to the liamverse!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Fun with Photoshop has gotten bigger and badder than ever with two - yes, two - contests! First, check out the job done to Big Momma's House and then take a look at what happens when movies and advertisements meet head on!
	THE CRAP FACTORY: THE GHASTLY GHOST GALLERY You wanted more? We got more! Some new frightening pictures have been added to the Ghost Gallery including the beautiful and scary photos of the Pink Lady of Greencastle!
	NEW REVIEWS! Big Momma's House 2, Glory Road, Good Night and Good Luck, and Grizzly Man have met with the wrath of Donner! Find out which two were treasures and which two should just be buried! (Yeah, like you can't guess!)
	COMICS We've updated with two new additions to Comics Spotlight! First, what would drive Mickey Mouse to suicide? It happened in 1930 and we've got the proof! Second, did you know PETA published "comics?" Check out the disgusting results inside!

All righty then. That's all I've got for you this week. Perhaps if you're good, there will be more next time. If not, I'm sure its your fault.

Friday February 10, 2006

QUICK JOKE

A buzzard walks into an airplane carrying two dead raccoons under its wing. A stewardess walks him to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."

QUICK JOKE II

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could finally kill that mother fucker."

QUICK JOKE II

Did you hear that a fire destroyed President Bush's personal library?

All the books got destroyed and the true tragedy is that we wasn't finished coloring in of them yet.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S WEEK!

I've got it easy. I don't have to spring for an expensive dinner, bring home flowers, or even plunk down a heavy chunk of change for jewelry. My wife told me in advance what she wants for Valentine's Day and it's my famous chicken cheesy parmesan.

Yeah, so I cook. Eat me.

It's funny. I used to hate Valentine's Day but now that I'm married to a woman I'm crazy about, I actually look forward to doing something romantic and off the wall to show my affection and con her into not leaving me for another year.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad Unlimited continues as Bippo annoys the hell out of a couple of video game heroes!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Tune in this week for a swipe at Final Destination 3 and The LillyVon Tribute!
	NEW REVIEWS! Last Holiday, Annapolis, Transamerica, and Flightplan have been reviewed! Two are horrible and two are fun! Can you guess which is which?

I'm off to go buy chicken, noodles, and lots of cheese. Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Friday February 17, 2006

QUICK JOKE

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?

The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt"?

The Pope said, "Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?" "

QUICK JOKE II

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible."

The dad replied "the convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

QUICK JOKE III

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one.".

ANDREAS KATSULAS VENTURES BEYOND THE RIM

Andreas Katsulas has died. A lot of you may not know the name, but if you're a sci-fi fan you will know the character that he played. G'Kar from Babylon 5.

Andreas is the third actor in two years that we've lost from this show, all way before their time. Andreas' G'Kar was my favorite character from the series and probably one of the best written and acted science fiction characters of all time.

Andreas was also know for playing the villainous Romulan Commander Tomolok from Star Trek: The Next Generation and played the one-armed man in The Fugitive.

We've lost one of the big ones this week. J. Michael Straczynski said it best when he said Andreas Katsulas is gone and G'Kar is gone with him. No one else could ever play that character and no one else ever will.

Amen to that.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad Unlimited continues! Wolfman and Drew Fangtastic have a problem and the only place they might learn the answer is a Garden Party filled with the fighters of supernatural terrors! It's the Angel/Justice Squad crossover you haven't demanded!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Three new contests this week! The Sho'nuff Photoshopopalooza, Eight Below, and the Movie Poster Remix!
	NEW REVIEWS! Should you watch Final Destination 3, When a Stranger Calls, or Nanny McPhee? Find out now!

That's all I'm going to give you maggots this week! I'll be watching old episodes of Babylon 5 and giving G'Kar some respect. Sees ya.

Friday February 24, 2006

QUICK JOKE

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

QUICK JOKE II

An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another old man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem?"

The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again."

"So, what the hell is the problem?"

"Mister, you don't understand... I forgot where I live!"

QUICK JOKE III

TA man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys.'

Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?'

The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?'

WATCHING WITH GLEE AS THE BUSH BAD-MINISTRATION IMPLODES

Do you have any idea how good it feels to go up to the rest of your conservative family and tell them, "See! I told you so!"

In case you're behind on the latest fiasco out of Washington, George W. Bush almost handed over control of US Ports to a business out of the United Arab Emirates that is suspected of funneling money to some of the 9/11 hijackers.

This son of a bitch we have who is pretending to be president tried to sell us out to get some of his daddy's friends a little more money than the obscene amount he already has! Of course, now that he's gotten caught he says that we shouldn't worry about security and that the deal is no threat. Then, when pressure mounted from his own party, he claimed the stupidity defense saying that he wasn't aware of the deal in the first place.

Jesus H Christ, people. Enough is enough! The Secret Service investigated links between Osama Bin Laden and the UAE as early as 2001 and George W. Shrub is going to hand over our ports to them?

It's bad enough that Dubya has trampled the Bill of Rights with his wiretapping and has generally fucked the country beyond quick repair, now he's demonstrated that he doesn't give a rat's ass about any citizen in the border. It's all about money to him and that's all it's ever been about.

I'm so mad, I could spit. I don't see how anyone can still be blind or deluded enough to follow this evil man. When even Rush Limbaugh fails to spin a disaster like this, you know that it's over.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad Unlimited continues as Justice Squad teams up with GI Joe to take on the combined might of Cobra and Robo-Britney!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Join us as we make fun of Madea's Family Reunion and finally stick it to a Rotten Tomatoes moderator with The Alex Weitzman Photoshop Jew-billee!
	NEW REVIEWS! We've reviewed The Pink Panther, Date Movie, and Ultimate Avengers: The Movie. SHould you waste your time and money with them?

And that does it for me. I'm going to go watch CNN and get all pissed off again.