So, those are my top three.  Now, as you await with baited breath... who do I feel does not have any business being in American Idol right now?  That's easy and can be said in two words.... Chicken Little otherwise known as Kevin Covais.

How did this shrimp get by so far?  He has an awful voice, sings terribly, and lisps.  I'm not even going to go into how the little shit looks like an eleven year old out there.  I don't know if its the throngs of twelve year old girls keeping this kid in the competition or http://www.votefortheworst.com working their magic, but this little bastard will be a thorn in our sides until he's gone and forgotten.

I can't totally hate the kid, though... at least his staying in the game this last week sent Gideon and his shit-eating grin home unexpectedly, the self-important phony sack of crap.

Who else?  Kellie Pickler and Ace Young.  I fail to see what the judges see in either one of them.  Kellie seems to scream her songs to the point I think that the little beanpole is going to shit her pants and Ace... dear lord, who could think that his falsetto crooning are anything but ear-splitting?  They've got the hotness vote, though, and I think we're going to be stuck with one if not both of them for a long while.  I wonder how the hormonal horny girls voting for Ace would react if they all knew he was gay?

Oh, don't give me that look.  You know it's true.

Randy and Paula are too nice and Simon's thinking with his penis.  It's time to take back this competition from the untalented, America!  Who's with me!?

And, bliss... changing the subject slightly, The Amazing Race is back on!  This is the greatest reality show ever conceived and, if you're not watching it, you're missing a show that is more exciting and dramatic than most of the scripted stuff on the air right now.  Go Hippies!

I'm also watching Survivor and resigning myself to the fact that this show has just about run out of steam.  It's another boring year, with boring contestants, and a boring locale.  God, how I miss the days of Rupert and Johnny Fairplay.  Now I can barely tell these clones apart from each other.

I'm kind of interested in Unanimous which is coming on FOX in a few weeks, but given the network's history of yanking reality shows after a couple of weeks I wonder if I should even bother.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Doogan Kessler, the mysterious werewolf/vampire hybrid takes center stage as the events of his life are finally revealed!  It's a mystery no longer!
	CHUCK NORRIS KICKS ASS Chuck Norris is still kicking ass and we've got NEW pictures to prove it!  Check them out or Chuck's gonna get you!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP The Shaggy Dog and "best" picture winner Crash have been defiled by our photoshoppers and we've got a special and hilarious gallery devoted to The Troll King!
	NEW REVIEWS! A new review this week of Madea's Family Reunion.  After I watched this film, I just had to take a long break.
	THE CRAP SHOPPE We've got ASSLOADS of new merchandise which was actually requested and demanded by fans of Evil Kitty!  Check them out today!

Well, I'm off to go work on my Amazing Race application and loose as much weight as I can so I won't be called "the fat one" if I get on it.

Friday, March 17, 2006

QUICK JOKE

Two blondes were talking.  "I had the worst fight with my boyfriend last night," one of them said.

"What happened?" her friend asked.

"The bastard called me a slut!" the first blonde told her.

"What did you do!?"

"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom and to take his friends with him!"

QUICK JOKE II

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

QUICK JOKE III

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Enjoy some bloopers and practical jokes from Firefly's gag reel!

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Capeman takes on the forces of Scientology in an episode that South Park probably did better but to Hell with it, we've done our own take!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We had a huge contest this week as we took on V for Vendetta and then delved into the internet phenomenon that is the Fat Asian Kid!
	THE CRAP SHOPPE Speaking of the Fat Asian Kid, we've got new T-Shirts in our shop!  Buy them!
	NEW REVIEWS! It's The Shitty... Uh, I mean... Shaggy Dog!
	THE ARCADE New games are up and the old ones are slowly being reposted!  Check them out!

Well, that's it.  If anyone needs me, I'll be off dying a little every day I remain in Tex-ass.

 

 

 

Friday, March 24, 2006

QUICK JOKE

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

QUICK JOKE II

This old man goes to the doctor and, when the doctor asked him how he was feeling, the old man replied, "Doctor, I just celebrated my 85th birthday, I'm married to a 25-year-old, and she's pregnant with our baby.  What do you think of that?"

The doctor thought about it for a minute and then said, "You know, this reminds me of a story.  I was out hunting in the Pacific Northwest when I came across a beaver in the woods.  I took aim at the beaver, fired my rifle, and the beaver fell down dead.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I looked at my gun later and discovered that I had completely forgot to put any buckshot inside of it.  So, if my gun wasn't loaded, what happened that day?"

The old man thought about it.  "I'd have to say someone else shot a load into that beaver!"

"Exactly," the doctor sighed.

QUICK JOKE III

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!""

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog goes to a Bon Jovi concert.  Hilarity ensues.

HATE MAIL

Let me tell you something!  Texas is a great state with lots of pride and great christian values and you had no right writing what you did.  I hope that when you move your sorry ass to Alaska that you get eaten by a bear or something.

- A Former Fan

PS: You website sucks.

Dear Former Fan,

Thank you for your letter and your enlightening comments.  I knew that the Romans threw people to the lions, but I had no idea that Christians threw people to the bears.  Perhaps this is one of those Christian values I missed in Bible study.  Now, does the bear have to be Christian too or can it be just any heathen bear?  Anyway, thanks for writing and sorry that you feel that way about such an asshole of a state like Texas.  I hope that one day you will look around and think, "Wow, this IS a shithole!" and then get out while you have the chance.

Sincerely,
Jason

what happened to the games?!?!?!?

- Jack

The games hated you.  They went out for a pack of cigarettes and we have yet to hear from them again.  Thanks a lot, Jack.  We are all happy... just us and the games until you came along.

Trying to Lure the Games Back with Candy,
Jason

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! Donner has been accused of betraying the country and now Justice Squad must track him down before he delivers a powerful weapon into the hands of an international terrorist!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP This week, the movies Stay Alive and Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector fall to our wrath and we roast the Rotten Tomatoes poster, Gorb!
	SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES Have you ever wondered how low advertisers will stoop to get your attention?  In this new Crap Factory gallery, you'll learn the truth!  Plus, there are new pictures and videos in the Ghost Gallery as well!  Be afraid!
	NEW REVIEWS! We take a look at Ultraviolet and The Hills Have Eyes!  Stay tuned, reviews of V for Vendetta and Firewall are coming soon!
	THE SLIGHTLY WARPED STAR TREK PAGE The Star Trek page has a bitchin' new look and new hidden features.  Go check it out!
	THE ARCADE More of the old games have been put back, Jack, no thanks to you.

That's all I gots for you this week.  I'm still frantically looking for an Alaska job to get away from Texas and, to tell you the truth, I can deal with Christian bears if I need to.  I'll just yell out how I think the homosexuals are trying to subvert America as I run.  Will it eat me then?

 

Friday, March 31, 2006

QUICK JOKE

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." Yummy

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

QUICK JOKE II

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

QUICK JOKE III

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Jimmy Kimmel's unnecessary censorship!  Fuck the FCC!  Fuck 'em right in the ear!

SUPPORT THIS!

So I'm driving down the streets of DFW the other day with the top down and a Yani album blasting when I come across an intersection being blocked by about fifty Hispanic kids waving Mexican flags and signs that say, "Viva Mexico!"

This puts me in a bad mood because the roads for driving, not stopping.  I thought peopel knew and respected this!

Well, I'm sitting there waiting for the tidal wave of apparently angry youth to pass when one of them stops right in front of my car and says, "Honk for support!"

I cock my head, "Support of what?"

"Honk for support!" he says again.

I shrug at him.  What the hell am I supporting if I honk?  Gay rights?  Stricter death penalty?  Call for impeachment?  Guns for children?  NAMBLA?  Dammit, I want to know what am I throwing my support behind with a honk of my car horn!?  "What am I supporting?" I said again.

Then, the little shit smacks his hands down on the hood of my car as hard as he can and says, "HONK FOR SUPPORT!"

I stand up in my seat and pointed at him.  "YOU'D BETTER RUN, MOTHERFUKER!" I yelled at him in my lowest possible register.  Thankfully, I'm rather big and scary and high school kids are rather small and frail so he ran to join the rest of his protesting ilk down the road.  No sooner had he run off, I saw a police car drive down the road after them.

When I got stopped later that day, I was relieved to see that there were no visible dents where the little protesting shit smacked my car.  That night, when I watched the news, I finally found out what the protest was all about... Hispanics are mad because the US is cracking down on illegal aliens from Mexico.

Well, boo hoo.  It's called illegal for a reason.

Most make the assumption because of my vicious anti-Bush stance that I'm a complete liberal.  Mostly I am, but I do have a little bit of conservatism in me and one of those things I am staunchly conservative on is illegal immigration.  I don't think they should get the free health care they think they're entitled to and I think that if they want over here so badly there are proper and legal channels to go through.

It's kind of ridiculous that this is one of the few illegal activities that many political and community leaders actually want to reward.  I'm no fool... I know some immigrants come here for work and a better life, but I also used to live in a town on a major drug highway and we were under no illusion where it was all coming from.

You want to live in the US?  Fine, we'd love to have you... but there are procedures for a reason.

Glad I saved my honk on that one.

	JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! The history of the Werewolf/Vampire War is finally revealed as Doogan and Wolfman face the dangerous Sobalda Gewhalt alone!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Ice Age: The Meltdown has been melted by our artists and we've got a special monkeified April Fools Day gallery open for your perusal.
	THE CRAP FACTORY New pictures and videos have been added to The Ghastly Ghost Gallery!  Thank you for making it one of The Slightly Warped Websites top attractions!
	NEW REVIEWS! We're taking a long, hard, and sexy look at V for Vendetta, Failure to Launch, and Firewall!
	THE AVATAR GALLERY i've got SHITLOADS of new avatars from Justice League, Drawn Together, Firefly, and more!  Plus, the gallery is actually organized now!
	THE ARCADE A couple of new games and some more old favorites join the lineup!

That's all folks!