Friday, May 5, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
QUICK JOKE
A
doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
QUICK JOKE II
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and
dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!!""
QUICK JOKE III
A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off
his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off
his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"
QUICK JOKE IV
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
Congratulations! People loved the
weekly video so much that it's now Evil Kitty's Video Corner! Evil
Kitty scours the internet in her eternal quest to conquer all and, as
payment for your worship, she presents her favorite videos here!
Enjoy, slaves!
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my boy
friend called liam smith i love him he mite b like u do u know a liam sm
ith in liverpool england
|
Dear alicia,
First of all, let me congratulate you. It's not often that an illiterate individual such as yourself manages to write a letter with such enthusiasm. I'm sure your Kindergarten teacher is very proud of you!
Secondly, no... I don't know a Liam Smith in Liverpool, England. I've never been to England. They won't let me in after that whole toe-sucking fiasco. I'm a man. I have needs.
Love,
Donner
FOILING THE GUESTBOOK SPAMMERS
It never fails. You open a guestbook or a bullitien board on your own private website and soon some piece of shit spammer oozes by and fills it up with links to websites where you can buy Viagra or cillais or whatever other drug is fashionable right now. It's a hassle to keep these human skid marks from messing up your site, but I've turned it into a game and I think it's a game I've finally won.
Earlier this week, returning from my grandmother's funeral no less, there were five... FIVE back to back messages in the guestbook to buy viagra and that other crap. I've been banning IPs, deleting messages... none of that seems to work. And then I got an idea... the guestbook has a bad word filter!
So, with a little quick reprogram the words "xanax", "Lamisil", and several others are replaced in the guestbook by the phrase "I am a child molesting spammer." Thus far, the parasites haven't come back.
Spread he word. Tell others how to bring these sons a' bitches down.
RANDOM MUSINGS
I'm already hearing the bitching. Why didn't they give Moussaoui the death penalty?
I for one have never supported the death penalty in any case. I think that it's risky and that we've probably killed more than a few innocent people with it. Secondly, I don't understand how anyone who calls themselves a Christian can support the death penalty at all when God himself told us, "Thall shalt not kill!" Unless I missed something, I don't think he said "unless...". Besides, would Jesus fry someone in an electric chair? I think not. Suck on that, George W. Bush and shove your faith-based programs up your ass, you hypocrite!
Where was I? Oh yes, Moussaoui. Yeah, the man is a piece of shit and yeah, he's about the scummiest human being on the face of the planet. Still, I don't support the death penalty in this case. Why? Two reasons... One: what do you think would be a more fitting punishment for this man? Death or a lifetime rotting in the belly of the beast that be despises? Two: Can you imagine what other prisoners would do to this shitbag? That alone makes me tingle but feel morally appeased at the same time.
Did you watch Lost this Wednesday? Holy... SHIT! That was the greatest ending in the history of television! It was a bloodbath and it came out of nowhere! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! God, I love this show.
You know what I don't love right now? DC Comics. I flipped through the last issue of Infinite Crisis the other day and was surprised to note what a gigantic goddamn mess the whole thing was. It was like Geoff Johns threw every piece of shit he could at the wall just to see what stuck. Predictable, infuriatingly hard to follow, and ultimately pointless. In the process of making this Infinite Crisis, Geoff Johns has pretty much run me away from DC all together! I hate that Hal Boredom is back, I hate the regressing of everything back to the silver age, I hate what's been done to the Flashes, and all the best books have gotten cans.
Fuck you, Geoff Johns! Fuck you and DC Comics! I'll be reading Astonishing X-Men until you pull your heads out of your asses.
Did you check out the trailer for Superman Returns yet? I tell you, as a comics fan and a Superman fan I am literally quivering in anticipation. There are only two things that concern me... one is Bosworth as Lois Lane. From the previews, it sounds like the chick isn't taking the role seriously and can't act. Secondly, what's with the male hairstyles? Everyone's so flat it looks like someone poured grease on them!
JJ Abrahams is going to be the force behind the relaunch of Star Trek in 2008. I think this is a great thing, but then again I'm a rarity among Star Trek fans in that I'm optimistic and I'm not an instant asshole when I hear news like this. No sooner had this tidbit of info hit the net, fans were up in arms about a rumored story that would visit Kirk and Spock as teenagers. Fans decried the movie that hasn't even been written yet as awful and a failure and then, surprise... the rumor was bullshit. No teenage Kirk. Fan overreaction.
Now there's a (very likely false) story going around that Ben Affleck will be in the new movie... as a young Kirk. Let's see how up in arms the asshole Trek fanbase gets over this stupid rumor.
Oh... the Mexican boycott came and went. I don't know about you, but I was glad those annoying protesters stayed home for the day. I did get a little hopeful when I heard that the illegals were protesting by staying home... but that was before I found out that they didn't mean Mexico.
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JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! The third part of the season finale finds a Justice Squad divided as a war on two fronts threatens the entire world! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We've taken on An American Haunting this week and have devoted a page to freaky child molester, Brian Peppers in what has to be the worst thing we've ever done... ever! |
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NEW REVIEWS God help me, I actually sat through Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector and I've got the review to prove it. Also, Silent Hill and The Wild! |
And that does it for me yet again! Send me your e-mail praises, complaints, or questions because I simply don't get enough of those.
Friday, May 12, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
QUICK JOKE
A
blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The
lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants
to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me
$5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill
and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches
the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to
all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde,
and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
goes back to sleep."
QUICK JOKE II
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and
think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and
drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump
and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for
the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was
shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case
of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot
70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete
and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his
story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking.""
QUICK JOKE III
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for
what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his
backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are
you taking so long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."
QUICK JOKE IV
Why does Kobe Bryant's eyes water during sex?
Mace.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
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OMG BUSH FTW
THIS SITE IS GHEY FUCKING BUSH HATING FAGS!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Dear Bush,
If hating Bush makes me gay, then hand me some KY and find me a handsome bear 'cause I'd rather take it up the ass then support that goddamn traitor.
Love,
Donner
AMERICAN IDOL: CHRIS IS A DOUCHE
I don't feel like preaching today. I have nothing to talk about. Bush still sucks, I'm still happy that gas is so high, and Tom Cruise is still an asshole.
You know things are dull when I have to talk about American Idol in my weekly ramblings, but here we go. Hey, it was a big shocker this week. American Idol's golden boy, the rocker Chris Daughtry was eliminated from the final four contestants. Paula Abdul cried, Simon and Randy were in shock, and the papers are calling it a huge upset.
Um... did anyone take into account that this guy's music sucked?
Now
don't get me wrong, Chris has that rocker voice and everything, but let's be
realistic here. The man has no personality, no range, and no versatility.
Listening to him sing was like listening to a heart monitor flatline.
Now I supported Chris in the beginning, if you remember, but as he went on week after week he showed no improvement and was surpassed by everyone else on the stage. i really started to loathe this guy.
What made it worse was that he was American Idol's golden boy. He was whored every week to the public, the judges were always lenient on him, and the producers made sure that they featured him favorably both on stage and in those silly music videos that they have.
What's worse is that Chris started to believe his own hype. I don't know about you guys, but I watched him get kicked off over and over again just to see that wonderful look of shock and anger that crossed his face. Later, when interviewed by Entertainment Weekly, Chris said that him getting kicked off the show wasn't logical and that he was sure he would win it.
Again, I must point out that he sucked. Also, he's a gigantic douchebag now.
Personally, I'm still pulling for Taylor to win it simply because I think it would cause the very fabric of the universe to unravel. I wouldn't be sad to see Elliot win it either. As long as Chris stays out, I'm happy.
Happy trails, penis-head.
And while we're on the subject of reality TV, that show Unan1mous that I called deliciously awful? Worst ending ever. Complete pussy cop-out.
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JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! The fourth part of the finale finds Justice Squad going to war... with the United States Government!? Check it out because this is the episode that changes EVERYTHING! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP This week we've turned things upside down by capsizing Posiedon and we took that delightful Mosh Pit Skank out on a photoshopping date. Don't wait up! |
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THE GHASTLY GHOST GALLERY A new video and a new picture of Borley Rectory has materialized in the gallery for you to make your own conclusions about ghosts! |
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NEW REVIEWS Four new ones this week: Mission: Impossible III, RV, An American Haunting, and Yours, Mine, & Ours. I only liked one... which one do you think it is? |
And that does it for me yet again! Send me your e-mail praises, complaints, or questions because I simply don't get enough of those.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
QUICK JOKE
A little
lizard is walking through the rain forest and see's a koala in a gum tree doing
something.
The lizard says, "Hey you! What are you doing?". The koala says, "I'm smoking a
joint, come up and have some."
The little lizard climbs up and does just that. The two of them talk a bit and
smoke a few J's.
The lizard says to the koala, "I'm so thirsty, I'm gonna' go down to the rivar
and have some water."
He goes down to the river, but he's so fucked up he falls in, and floats down
stream a bit.
A crocodile see's this and helps him to the bank and asks, "What the hell is
wrong with you mate?"
The little lizard explains he smoked some joints with the koala in the gum tree.
The croc says' "I'm gonna check this out."
The croc finds his way to the gum tree and says,"Hey you...." and the koala
looks down and says," Whoooooooooooooa maaaaannn!! How much water did you
DRINK!!!???"
QUICK JOKE II
One night, a police officer was stalking out a
particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to
pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his
rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of
0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,
"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
QUICK JOKE III
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the
businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal
working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
QUICK JOKE IV
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and
points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of
cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up
by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz,
but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
|
LINKS BETTER THAN US
Awesome
On-Line Clock
This is a creative one!
Your Age on
Other Worlds
Feeling old? Try going to Jupiter!
Make
Your Own Bush Speech
You didn't think I'd go a whole update without railing on Bush, did you?
|
if you
are reading this, you are not ignoring me! |
Dear Eaterofpuppies,
Yes, a cheese Danish sounds lovely right about now.
Love,
Donner
30 IN 7
I'm turning 30 in seven days. Wow. Just wow.
BOMBAY TV: THE GREATEST WEBSITE EVER?
So I'm trolling around the other day and I came across what I believe to be the greatest website ever made. It's called Bombay TV and, with it, you can add your own subtitles to weird Bollywood movies. I played with this thing for hours and here are a few of my creations.
Yeah, I had a blast doing this and I think you will to. As a matter of fact, send in your best Bombay TV movies and I'll feature the best three on this website next week!
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JUSTICE SQUAD: NEW EPISODE! It's the mind-numbingly HUGE season finale for Justice Squad! Drama! Action! Suspense! This episode has it all! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP This week, the photoshoppers have taken on comic books, The Da Vinchi Code, and Over the Hedge! |
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PHOTOSHOP TENNIS Take a look at what happened this week between some talented and disturbed artists! Plus, there's NEW stuff in the Ghastly Ghost Gallery! |
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NEW REVIEWS We're turning our gaze to The Da Vinci Code, Poseidon and Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY Check out the new bumper sticker that responds to those assholes who drive gas-guzzling SUVs during an oil war and then have the gaul to slap a yellow ribbon on it to "support the troops." |
That's all I got for this week. Send in your messages, movies, and more and watch out... next week this site may be all about creamed corn and social security!
Friday, May 26, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
OLD AGE JOKES
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
What is the best birth control method for
really-old seniors?
Nudity.
What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house?
Grandpa's penis.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes
practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will
receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts
with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good
news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all
in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"
Three ladies were discussing the travails of
getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in
my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of
the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem.
Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That
must be the door, I'll get it!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare
her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final
requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
|
|
Im going
to bomb you |
Dear Abdul,
Congratulations on coming up with the lamest alias and trolling technique ever. I thought nothing would ever beat "suxx0rs" but you did it! Did you come up with this all by yourself? Because seriously, it needs work. I mean, come on... if you were seriously middle-eastern or whatever, this would REALLY piss you off!
It's an image of Muhammad! Get it?
Love,
Donner
YEAH, SO IT'S MY BIRTHDAY
Saturday the 27th I will be celebrating the death of my youth and the dawning of pre-middle-agedom with my 30th birthday. To tell you the truth, I have to admit that this birthday is bothering me a little bit.
I mean, my life is halfway over. Halfway! You mean to tell me I have to put up with another 30 years of this shit?
Seriously, it's not bothering me in the least. I don't look thirty, I don't act thirty, at the most... I've got the body of an obese 25 year old and the brain of a 12 year old. I'm set for a while.
Anyway, I'm pretty stoked about this weekend. My parents are coming down and it's the first time they've been to our house since I moved. We're going to barbeque, go to the zoo, to the Ripley's Museum, and then hang out at the pool. Fun day.
So, yeah... I'm 30 now. Whoopity doo. As I said to a friend of mine a few years back, all it is is a number... just an indicator on how long you've existed and not died. Personally, not dying is okay with me.
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP It's an X-Cellent start to the movie season as our photoshoppers sinks their claws into X-Men: The Last Stand! |
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PHOTOSHOP TENNIS A new round of photoshop tennis is up for you! Check it out! |
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THE ARCADE Not sure of what to do all Summer? Check out the new games in the arcade! |
And that's it for this week. What? Summer's slow and it's my birthday week. You can kiss my ass.