Friday, June 8, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
QUICK JOKE I
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to
do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were
in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said
to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
QUICK JOKE II
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the
driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with
the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have
your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the
trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I
wish that fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
QUICK JOKE III
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there,
the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they
have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to
cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while,
and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing
in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also
wants to make a confession; he he had a penis like a baby. If the girl wants to
cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while
and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things
far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and
got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat
as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's
naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why
did you still faint?"
The girl said: "You told me you had a penis like a baby!"
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
|
|
my high
score on chain reaction is 3336 can ne1 beat it?? |
Dear Mr. Edwards,
I don't believe you. It is not possible to get that many points on chain reaction. Obviously, you are a dirty liar born of incestuous parents and suffer issues due to the teeny tiny size of your microscopic penis.
If you actually did score that high, I apologize.
Love,
Donner
KISS MY ASS, I TOOK A WEEK OFF
That's right, jadckasses, I decided to take a whole week off for me. All me and no one else. No updates, no new stuff, just me lazyiing it up for the benefit of me.
First, I turned 30 and went through a mid-life crisis. I quit my job, left my wife, got a really hot eighteen year old girlfriend, grew a ponytail, bought a convertible, and drove off to California. Then, I got over myself and came home. Wow, that was a wild twelve hours.
Then, I went to Schlitterbahn. You heard of this place? You probably have if you ever watch the Travel Channel because they frequenty call it the best waterpark in the United States and for good reason. It's the home of the world's first and best water rollercoaster, a mile-long tube chute, and much more. Me, I hate water parks... but I love Schlitterbahn. I've been going there since before it got famous and huge. Now, it's unbeleiveable how much the place has expanded. Still, most of my favorites are still there with the exception of the much-missed Castle Slides, the place is still shades by acres of trees, and best of all... no clorine in the water. I love the place... it's the people I hate.
Throngs of unmannered brats patrol the place like street gangs as their lazy fatass parents lie on cots somewhere completely unconcerned. To teach these parents a lesson, I molested every unsupervised child who crossed my path.
Molested as in "bothered." Pervert.
Still, I love the place and I'll keep going back. You won't get me into any other water park, but I'll go to Schlitterbahn without a second thought.
I haven't tried out the park at South Padre or in Galveston yet. Anyone want to write me and tell me how they compare to New Braunfels? I promise I'll try and care about your opinion.
 |
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP This week, the RT photoshoppers take on Disney and Pixar's movie, Cars, and recast everyone's favorite movies with the absolute worst actors possible! |
 |
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS The page has got a brand new sleeker look and has been populated with movie reviews of X-Men 3, Over the Hedge, and United 93. What's more, check out the page's new feature, DVD commentaries from Donner himself on Star Trek V: The Final Frontier! |
 |
THE ARCADE Not sure of what to do all Summer? Check out the new games in the arcade! |
And that's all you get for this week. Stick around though, because I've actually been sent new stories and junk for the website and will probably be adding them soon to the pages where stuff doesn't get added to very often anymore! Yay!
Friday, June 16, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
QUICK JOKE I
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into hishair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.""
QUICK JOKE II
What does a rattlesnake an a torn condom have in common?
- You shouldn't screw with either one of them!
QUICK JOKE III
A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless. "Mommy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Mary is dying!"
What do you mean? says his mother.
"Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!'"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
|
|
George
W. Bush is a moron. |
Dear i stole yourspace,
I've dealt with all types in my day. Stupid people, racist people, conservatives and the like but the people, such as yourself, who type off a letter without even taking a look at the page you're bitching about never cease to amaze me.
The only possible explanation that I can think of as to why you thought that this website and I were Bush supporters was if you logged on, saw the word "Bush", and went off on a foaming diatribe.
Granted, if the mere mention of the word "Bush" sends you into a rage, I consider my time on this webpage well spent, but I urge you to research further into these digitized halls and discover just how insanely anti-Bush we are around these parts.
PS: Far be it for me to stand up for Bush in any way, but should you really poke fun of him mispronouncing nuclear when you can even use proper sentence structure or capitalization?
Love,
Donner
HARD MANUAL LABOR IN THE HOT TEXAS SUN
Guess where I've been all week? Not lounging in front of the computer, writing nonsense, and ogling porno as is the God given right of every free man in these United States, but rather sweating it out in the hot Texas sun building a roof for my father-in-law.
Now, I'm not bitching about doing work for my father-in-law because I'm one of the lucky few in the world who actually likes his in-laws. I'm mainly going to bitch about Texas again and how much I hate it here. You ever work on a tin roof in the boiling sun? Have you even gotten sunburned from both directions? Ever been in a situation where 100 degrees turned into 130? Well, I got the full treatment for that. Apparently, a reflective tin roof is not the best place to stand while it's scorching hot outside. I now know what an ant under a magnifying glass feels like.
It's not all bad though. The work is finished and hopefully I can spend an entire week home next week barring a trip out of the country I might have to make.
The best news: I finally convinced my wife that we should move the hell out of Texas. Sure, I know you've heard me say that we were going to move to Alaska but she's been stonewalling a bit here lately saying that she didn't want to go. Well, it was a pretty tense week. I was mad at her because I felt like I had been lied to since the beginning by her and she was mad at me because I wasn't speaking to her in more than three word sentences. Finally, we had a pretty major exchange of words and it all got hammered out. We're moving to Alaska in 2008, moving back to Texas in 2015, and then moving away permanently in a few more years.
Personally, if I never set foot back in Texas again I'd be a happy man but a good marriage is built on compromise. I guess I should be happy I'm going at all.
|
|
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP It's the photoshop ass-fest! Garfield 2! The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift! And... Steven Seagal? |
|
|
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS The DVD Commentary Section has been a HUGE hit and, by popular demand, I've added a new one: a complete commentary on House of the Dead! |
God willing I'll be in next week and give the website a proper update. I've got lots of stuff I've had to place on the backburner, but don't be discouraged! Good times are coming!
Friday, June 23, 2006
|
Do you buy books online, use Google, or
download to an Ipod? These activities will be hurt if Congress passes a
radical law that gives giant corporations more control over the
Internet. |
QUICK JOKE I
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking inthe forest. He points to a
tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with
the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst
of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching
the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill
these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
QUICK JOKE II
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take
a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the
back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The
Pope gently says to him, "Young man, you're much too young to smoke!"
The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"
The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say that to me,
the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of the Roman Catholic Church? I am
the spiritual leader for millions of people, young man, the representative of
God, and you dare to say that to me? No, no, no, kid, fuck YOU!"
QUICK JOKE III
Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night.
"Sure," said the farmer, "my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up."
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him...."Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room."
"I heard you," said the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
|
|
Obey the
Evil Kitty! I have nothing else to say right now... lets see if this works
this time.
|
Dear Villie,
You message has been intercepted by Evil Kitty who regards it as impudent. She wishes to know why you are telling her to obey herself. Evil Kitty obeys no one including herself. Prepare for the imminent arrival of an extermination squad.
Love,
Donner
FIRE! FIRE! CAT?
Before I begin this story, let me reassure everyone out there in internet lonely land that everything is fine, we're not injured, and nothing of value was damaged.
That being said, I totally caught my house on fire a couple of days back. Fucking on fire. I shit you not.
There I am, cooking of all things, on a stove which was - unbeknownst to myself - covered in grease from a spill earlier in the day. I'm trying to cook some bacon, carrying on a conversation with my wife about something when, all of the sudden, WHOOSH! Fucking fire leaps up from the burner.
I'm a pretty low-key kind of guy so my first reaction was to say something like, "The kitchen's on fire." The wife laughs and then screams out, "Oh shit!" before taking her glass of water she was working on and splashing them on the flames.
Of course, that worked in spreading the grease fire swimmingly.
Meanwhile, I'm working on saving my bacon (literally, I was cooking bacon) while my wife is in near panic. Fortunately, the little fires caused by the water were small and fizzled and, with a little help from a damp rag, I put the fire out and saved everyone in the apartment building.
Imagine my surprise when I went to inspect the damage to the stove when everything had cooled off and discovered that there was no damage. I shit you not. I caught my kitchen on fire and, aside from an odd smell, you couldn't even tell.
This may not seem like a big deal to you, but you have to remember that I actually lost my childhood home due to a kitchen fire back in 1994. I wasn't home for that one... who knows, if I had been perhaps I could have saved the day on that one too.
And, yes, the joke is now a reality. I'll have to tell my old radio buddies that a building I was in caught fire and I didn't even flinch.
I shit you not.
|
|
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We're clicking our mouses for Click, the new movie with Adam Sandler and we're photoshopping a very mad baby! You're curious. Admit it. |
|
|
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS What did Donner think of Cars? Zoom Zoom. |
 |
PHOTOSHOP TENNIS IV:
THE QUEST FOR PEACE It's another round of our smash hit, Photoshop Tennis! This is the biggest round yet! |
There, see? I actually had time to do a decent damn update this week. I've got some stuff I've got to go through for next week, some stories that were sent in that I still haven't had time to read yet and some new additions for The Crap Factory. The sleeping giant is awakened... that giant being my big fat lazy ass.
Speaking of ass, Nightflyer Begins is coming next week in case you're in a Justice Squad withdrawal!
Peace!
Friday, June 30, 2006
QUICK JOKE I
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At
the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being
injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle
poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says
the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's
that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.
"It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
QUICK JOKE II
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged
couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the
elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor goes to
the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep
on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes
to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young
man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top
shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with
lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.
"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either."
QUICK JOKE III
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly
regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely."
"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure
until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset.""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
|
|
|
hey
every1 
Dear Rebecca,
Not to sound overly blunt or anything, but you sound like a retard and write like a chimp. This is probably why you're being bullied. Do yourself a favor and copy whatever the cool kids are doing. Vandalism, drugs, gambling... if they're doing it, you do it too. When the time comes and you need to take a fall for one of them, do it. A night in jail is nothing compared to the popularity you'll have in the morning. Trust me, they'll stop bullying you especially if you have a cool prison tat across your forehead.
Love,
Donner
TEXAS GETS KINKY
For years, I've called everyone who voted Arnold Schwarzenegger into the governorship of California short-sighted idiots. I'm not taking that back now, but at least I sympathize with them. After all, I'm going to vote for Kinky Friedman as governor of Texas.
Who is Kinky? Well, in case you missed that awesome interview on 60 Minutes, Kinky is a Texas legend. A cigar munching, country singing poet who isn't a Republican and isn't a Democrat. He believes that kids should be allowed to pray where they want to and that gays should be allowed to marry. After all, he says, why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?
In education, he wants to give teachers raises, abolish standardized testing, and keep academic money away from sports programs, forcing them to find corporate sponsorship. He for clean burning fuels, better prison systems, legalized gambling, pro-choice, health care, and best of all... he fucking hates the two-party system.
I love the guy. He's a hoot and he has some good ideas. Will he be able to execute them? Not a chance in hell. After all, the position of Texas Governor is a position with no balls, but putting Kinky there would be a wake up call for career politicians that we're tired of the shit.
And besides, if Kinky fucks up Texas too badly, what the hell do I care? I'm moving to Alaska, remember?
He's a strange choice, I admit... but at least he never groped anyone. Right Schwarzenegger?
 |
NIGHTFLYER BEGINS & SON OF SHORT CUTS Suffering from Justice Squad withdrawals? Buck up, you pansy! The big summer blockbuster, Nightflyer Begins, is now up on the Justice Squad page along with Son of Short Cuts! Enjoy! |
|
|
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Superman Returns. Need I say more? |
|
|
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Donner takes on the man of steel and the man of rubber with reviews of Superman Returns and Click! |
And that's that. Enjoy. See you next week.