Friday, July 7, 2006
WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS UNNATURAL
* Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
* Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
* Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
* Straight marriage has been around long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
* Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
* Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
* Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
* Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
* Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
* Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
QUICK JOKE I
It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the
kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So
she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your
REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the
hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the
hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the
room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie
break!"
QUICK JOKE II
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing
problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they
have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty
times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for
seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I
don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just
as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your
sinuses, we'll work on your hearing.""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
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This site rocks ass!
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Please, keep it up, Donner and the SW team!!!
Dear The AC/DC Obsessor,
It gives me great pleasure to rock your ass and, believe me, I have every intention of keeping it up there.
Love,
Donner
IT'S OFFICIAL
I don't want to say what and I don't want to say where, but it appears that my long streak of unemployment is finally coming to an end and, what's more, it appears that I will actually be going into a field that pays pretty well, has tremendous job security, and - believe it or not - an air of respectability.
Why don't I want to say anything about it? Well, it's within the realm of public service and it's also a job where certain people may look down on me running a website that makes such liberal use of the word "fuck" and so on.
Anyway, that's the big news this week. I'm getting a job and will probably have even less time to work on the site than I do now. Needless to say, I am going to be a very busy man and, believe me, I'll do my best to keep this site updated as I always have.
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NIGHTFLYER BEGINS & SON OF SHORT CUTS Suffering from Justice Squad withdrawals? Buck up, you pansy! The big summer blockbuster, Nightflyer Begins, is now up on the Justice Squad page along with Son of Short Cuts! Enjoy! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Yo Ho, sailor. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest has been raped with photoshop along with the whole concept of video games based on movies. How far is too far? |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS So how did Donner like Dead Man's Chest? Not very much. Check out the review for more details. |
That's all your getting this week, ya swabs. Enjoy and be well.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
QUICK JOKE I
It was the first day of school and a new student
named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth
grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick
Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is
new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Where the fuck did
these Mexicans come from!?"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Davy Crockett, 1836."
At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill
Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy,
2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone
said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
QUICK JOKE II
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside of
Washington as part of his campaign.
Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been
getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on
stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church
of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in
desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the
Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite and a
nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's
largest chip on his shoulder. He steals elections. He politicizes science. He
has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet
plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission
Accomplished.'"
"He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American
people. He continues to blur the line between church and state. Corruption is
rampant in his administration. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified
cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and
hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He is so psychotic and
megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God."
"He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known."
"But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a
saint."
QUICK JOKE III
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the
church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small
American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor
walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he
asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's
voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
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for all u
gys out there i am single eat me
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Dear ben bigana,
Sometimes messages sent to me via the guestbook or e-mail are very perplexing and, let me assure you, that your message is very perplexing to me. What do I mean? Well, are you wanting us to eat you because you are single or do you want us to eat you to stop from being single? Do you wish oral pleasures or are you simply very happy you don't have a partner? More concise punctuation would be beneficial to us waiting to know whether you are defiant or a sex pervert.
Love,
Donner
IT'S OFFICIAL
If there's one thing I'm good at, one of the only things I'm good at, it's keeping promises. If I say I'm going to do something I do my best to do it and, if I say I'm going to be somewhere, I do my damnedest to be there.
Take last week when I said "it's official" that I was going to get a job? Well, it turns out that was all a big cosmic joke on me all thanks to me trying to be honest and trying to do the right thing. Thanks to that, two sure things turned into bupkiss.
What happened was that within an hour of each other last week I got two calls wanting interviews from two clients both claiming to be desperate and wanting to fill some vacancies with their companies. I agreed to both, scheduled interviews, and got ready to get me a job I've been working towards getting for over a year.
I show up to the first interview, ace it, and am offered the job right there on the spot. I say thank you and that I am very interested in the job but I have promised another company an interview on Monday and that it is only fair to see them since I promised that I would.
So, bid goodbye and go home. I get a call on Saturday Night from this other place I was supposed to interview saying, "Hey, we filled that position we were going to interview you for so don't bother coming in." Well, that pisses me off because I find it very dishonest and inconvient. After all, I could have had a job two days eariler if I hadn't decided to give them the chance they didn't give me. No problem, I still had the first place.
I call this first place the following Monday and I'm told, "Oh, hey, yeah... if you'd taken the job on Thursday you could have had it, but now we've decided to hold off and wait for more applicants."
Fuck.
So, I get a call from my mother who's wondering about how the job hunt is going. I tell her what happened and she says, "You know what I think? You stop being honest, you stop being nice, you lie, steal, and cheat to get a job and if you piss someone off, they can fuck off."
I love my mom, really. I do.
So, we'll try that for a while. I hate having to become one of those people, but it looks like that's the only way to get anywhere anymore.
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AMAZING IMAGES Our newest gallery at The Crap Factory is devoted to the most amazing images we could find. Take a look! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Little Man, bad movie, good photoshop! It's Little Man! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Leroy & Stitch, The Break-Up, and The Omen are put through Donner's cinematic ringer. He only liked one and his choice will shock you! |
Enjoy all I've got this week. I'll be back with more next time!
Thursday, July 19, 2006
QUICK JOKE I
A little girl was talking to President Bush about
whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat
was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Mr. Bush asked, "What if Jonah went to the other place?"
The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."
QUICK JOKE II
A very unattractive and mean woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
QUICK JOKE III
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The
toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Here is a true story:
Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her 1st day promptly at 8:00
a.m. The following day, at 8:45, there was a knock at the personnel manager's
door. The foreman from the assembly line threw open the door and began to rant
about his new employee, Lena. He complained that she was incredibly slow and
that the entire production line was behind schedule and backing up!
The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men
marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed
up, there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really
beginning to pile up at the end of the line stood Lena, surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmos.
She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men
watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two
marbles and began carefully to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager stared for a few seconds, saw what was happening, and
burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself
together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her. Barely able to keep a
straight face, he said, "I think you misunderstood the instructions given you
yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles ..."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
EVIL KITTY'S VIDEO CORNER
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Amazing.
Congratulations on the ten years! You know, I have actually followed this
site from near the beginning, when it was mostly a repository for Star
Trek humor. That is actually how I found it. (It was actually my first
bookmark!) I followed the adventures of Liam Smith every week, looking
forward to the next episode helping me get through the tedium of my job at
the time. I even posted on the message boards for a very short time. You
and I have lived slightly parallel lives, we both got married near the
same time (and consquently turned into fat lard butts) among other things.
My wife is know addicted to your arcade site. We both check in every week
for the new jokes, and I read every movie review (though our tastes are
quite different, I have to admit, save for a love of that galaxy far far
away...) - Jay Thompson |
Dear Mr. Thompson,
Thank you for thanking me. Yes, it's been a long ten years since I started this site way back on August 6th, 1996 and this coming anniversary has only served to remind me what an empty life I lead. Thanks, jackass.
Love,
Donner
I'M GOING ON VACATION
I hope you insignificant little sex monkeys out there enjoy this update because it's the last one you're going to get until August. I'm getting dragged kicking and screaming to The Grand Canyon over the next couple of weeks. Hey, if you think I bitch and complain about how much I hate the Texas heat, wait until I get out into an actual desert.
I can't complain too much. Yeah, this isn't my idea of a proper vacation, but at least I'm going for free and, if things unfold well, I may be leaving that trip to accompany my mother to Switzerland on business which will be quite exciting since I have never been in Europe before.
So, enjoy it bitches. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
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THE ARCADE AT SLIGHTLYWARPED.COM New games have been posted and old games have been brought back. Have fun! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Hold on to your brains and shotguns, Rotten Tomatoes has gone into zombie mode! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Check out the feature length commentary of 2001: A Space Odyssey! |
I'm off to go stare at a big hole in the ground in the middle of a desert. Someone pinch me.