Friday September 1, 2006
IT'S STAR TREK SALUTE WEEK!
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STAR TREK GROANERS
Question: Where do Star Trek fans go to lift
weights?
Answer: The "He's dead, Gym"!
Question: How many ears does Picard have?
Answer: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.
Question: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian
Stitching Machine?
Answer: "Make it sew."
Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked "Why did you let
Troi win at poker?"
Answer: "Because I Riker."
Question: What did the blonde Klingon say?
Answer: "It was a good day to dye."
Question: What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?
Answer: "If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again."
Question: What do you get if you cross a borg with a black magic marker?
Answer: A borg with a big black X on it.
Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the
Enterprise hull?
Answer: "Captain, we are being hailed."
Question: What did Will Riker say when he discovered that he had a transporter
duplicate?
Answer: "We're Number One! We're Number One!"
Question: Why are Beverly Crusher, Worf, and Deanna Troi similar?
Answer: Because one's a Doc, one's a Worf, and one's a Marina.
Question: What does Major Kira's emergency signal sound like?
Answer: NANA NANA NANA NANA.
Question: Did you hear about the singing contest for young men at Starfleet
Academy?
Answer: It's called the Kirk Tenor Prize.
Question: How many of the Enterprise's senior officers does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to debate the moral
implications.
Question: What did LaForge say when his girlfriend asked him what to wear on
their date?
Answer: "I'm BLIND!"
Question: What did Lore use to kill Data's cat?
Answer:Spot remover.
Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs
as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed.
Question: Why couldn't Kira get permanent quarters on DS9?
Answer: Because everybody knew she was a Visitor.
Question: What did the senior staff of DS9 sing when Kira was packing to leave
at the beginning of "The Circle"?
Answer: Nana, Nana . . . Nana, Nana . . . Hey, hey, hey, goodbye!
Question: What do you do if O'Brien refuses to fix your ship after you dock at
DS9?
Answer: Colm Meaney. (For those of you who don't know "Colm" isn't pronounced "Kohlm."
It's pronounced more like "column.")
Question: What is Sisko's favorite breakfast?
Answer: Quarker Oates.
Question: How would B'Elana Torres introduce her significant other?
Answer: I'd like you to meet my better third.
Question: What do you get when Gul Dukat kills off his half-Bajoran, half-Cardassian
daughter?
Answer: Bacardi on ice.
Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.
Question: What do you get when you cross Lwaxana Troi with the bridge of a
Starfleet vessel?
Answer: An empty bridge
Question: Did you hear that Jonathan Frakes is starring in a remake of an old
James Bond movie?
Answer: It's called Moonriker.
Question: What did the Jamaican say to the Ferengi captain who was visiting
Earth?
Answer: Have a nice Dai Mon.
Question: What do you get when you throw the casing of an unborn chicken at
Quark's nephew?
Answer: Egg Nog.
"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Jeordi!"
"Jeordi who?"
"Didn't Jeordi ask me that?"
Question: What would the communication officer of DS9 say to Captain Sisko when
a person is going on and on on the fifth channel of communications?
Answer: Sir Babylon 5.
Question: How many TOS landing party members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the extra red-shirt will die in the attempt.
Question: How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: However many it takes, you can be sure a shuttlecraft will be destroyed
during the attempt.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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When are you going to do the
next L.O.L.A Parody? I Fuckin LIVE for it!! DO IT NOW! I COMMAND YOU! |
Dear Monica,
That is a very, very sad commentary on the state of your life. If I were you, I'd just stick my head in the oven and be done with it. However, you may want to wait a couple of months because Jesse and I have decided to start writing LOLA VII... or is it XIII beginning in October.
Love,
Donner
SURVIVOR RACE WAR
So, have you heard about this new season of Survivor coming up? It's so controversial that New York markets might not even carry the show. What's so bad about it?
Tribes this year will be divided by race: The white tribe, the black tribe, the Latin tribe, and the Asian tribe. The four will battle it out to see who is the better color.
Now I am highly... highly offended by this notion. First of all, the Latin tribe will dominate every single water-based challenge seeing as how they swim across the Rio Grande all the time. The mental challenges? Forget about it. Asians all the way with those little adding machines in their head ringing away. You want physical competition? You can't beat the black team with those football and basketball player genes that all of them seem to carry.
To tell you the truth, the real looser in this competition will be the white man. What are they good at? Nothing! Not unless there's a whipping competition or a "keep the black man down" competition. Think maybe their will be a schmoozing or cross-burning challenge? I don't think so!
I just hope this season of Survivor doesn't resort to stereotyping, because that just offends me.
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We've taken on two new releases with Crank and The Wicker Man and paid a one-year-later tribute to The New Orleans Looter! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Accepted, Pulse, and Akeelah and the Bee have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. |
Live long and prosper.
Friday September 8, 2006
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A SPECIAL NOTE
Five years ago this week the world was stunned when terrorists flew airplanes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in an attack on America. News stations are marking this anniversary in a plethora of ways and this left me in a quandary as to what this website would do.
Certainly, I wasn't going to ignore it. In many ways, this website is an extension of myself and, on September 11th 2001, I was a deejay in West Texas reading the news as it came over the wire and taking calls from people who wanted to help. September 11th, 2001 will not only be the day America was attacked, but it was also the day I moved into my first home. It's the day I was shaken out of my complacency as an American. It's a part of me. It's who I am. I will not ignore it just to be politically correct.
Nor will I shut the site down on September 11th out of respect. One thing the terrorists wanted to do was to bring the country to a halt and it kills me when a new terrorist "threat" does just that. I will not bring my life to a halt, but rather I will live it. You want to honor victims, you go on living.
So, this week I'm offering a few videos and remembrances. The jokes are still here, the movie reviews and Photoshop contests still went on, and slightlywarped.com continues as usual. It's the only way I know how to pay tribute and remember... by living. I'm also putting up that beautiful flag because, despite the tailspin this country is with that traitor sitting in the White House, I'm still proud to be American and I wouldn't live anywhere else...
...well, except maybe an island filled with naked women.
QUICK JOKE I
One day, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately
goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first
room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all
I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor
with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
QUICK JOKE II
One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What
part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"
Two children rose their hand. One was
little Johnny. Hesitant to
pick on him she chose little Mary. "I think your heart goes first because,
that's were your emotions of love are."
"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.
"I think your feet go up first."
Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"
QUICK JOKE III
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came
out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at
the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at
the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his
hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
You might want to take a look
at
this. |
Dear Weaver,
Sad to say, but yes... my "I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself" did come out before the shirt you have indicated. This, of course, doesn't suprise me as the primary purpose of the internet is to steal ideas and intelectual properties from everyone else. Take that movie, Snakes on a Plane for example. It was my idea! Ebay? My idea! Youtube? Mine! It was my idea to put sex on the internet, my idea to send unsolicited e-mails to people, and I invented tabbed browsing.
There are no new ideas, just thieves. Just ask the man sitting in the White House with Cheney's hand up his ass.
Love,
Donner
WEEKLY RECAP
The big news this week was Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, getting killed by a stingray of all things. You know, I've been watching this guy for a while now and I always knew something was going to kill him, but it was still a complete shock when it actually happened. It would be like George W. Bush actually being locked up for war crimes. It should happen, but it probably won't. Still, it did and we'll miss him. Steve Irwin was an active conservationalist, an ardent environmentalist, a friend to wildlife, and most importantly an educator to all. I bet he's in heaven right this minute poking God with a stick.
New TV finally started this week. Standoff was a joke, but at least I got a new episode of House of out it. This was a long dry Summer. Aside from Hell's Kitchen and Treasure Hunters, there wasn't a thing on. I mean, I actually watched Celebrity Duets the other day and that's about as bottom of the barrel as you can get!
I got a job! You all might have heard, but I finally got a job that I've been working hard to get for over a year now. I'm excited about it and it's going to take up a lot of time, so that means less time devoted to the website. I'm afraid that it will suck from now on. Of course, it's always sucked... but now it will be more evident.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW SEASON NEXT WEEK! The fifth and final season of Justice Squad kicks off next week so now is your last chance to catch up before the new episodes start rolling in! |
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THE ARCADE We've brought back the old Star Trek games and have put up some brand new ones for your gaming pleasure! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Hollywoodland has been photoshopperized and, in tribute to Star Trek's 40th birthday, it's Star Trek Bash 2006! It's not You Can't Do That on Star Trek, but it's the next best thing! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS This week we're taking a big hard throbbing look at Invincible, Brother Bear 2, Ultimate Avengers 2, An Inconvenient Truth, and Nacho Libre! |
Out.
Friday September 15, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank God It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.""
QUICK JOKE II
Two priests were walking down the sidewalk one day when they get into an
argument. "I've been told I look like Jesus Christ," one of them
says.
"Perhaps a little," the other replies, "but I think I resemble Jesus Christ more than you do."
The two men argue about it for several blocks before they come across an old drunk man sitting on the front step of a bar. "Excuse us, sir," one of the priests says, "Can you settle an argument for us? In your opinion, which oen of us looks like Jesus Christ?"
The old drunk looks both of the men over for what seems like an eternity and then, in a slurred speech announces, "Neither one of you look like Jesus Christ. I look like Jesus Christ and I look like him so much people are always mistaking me for him!"
The preists are skeptikal and the old man says, "I'll prive it! follow me!" And with that he leads them into the bar. The old drunk staggers up to the bar and sits down at which point the bartender looks at him and says, "Jesus Christ! Are you back AGAIN!?"
QUICK JOKE III
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;
the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their
arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to
her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she
sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on
it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!".
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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DICKS R SOO
FUCKING GOOD I LIKE TO SUCK THEM LAL DAY AND IM A GUY SO PLEASE IF U HAVE
ANY GAMES WERE MEN R SUCKING DICKS PLEASE LET ME NO I GET REALLY HORNY
OFFA THOSE THANKS I WANNA FUCK EVERY GUY ON EARTH THAT IS MY DREAM IM
HAVING SEX WITH ONE RIGHT NOW =)
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Dear Jonathan,
Answer me this: why do homosexuals always come onto me? I mean, I know that I am a hot piece of man flesh, a sexlicious chunk of bear meat so to speak and that I could probably hammer your ass into a canyon if I felt so inclined, but I simply do not swing that way! Please inform me what is setting off everyone's gaydar so I may have it removed. Also, I'll e-mail you my home address in a moment.
Love,
Donner
CAT-TASTROPHIE!
Well, I got the ever-loving shit scared out of me today, but not as badly as Smacky got scared, I'm sure!
Smacky, in case you're not hooked on the ever running drama that is Jason Donner's life is my beloved kitty cat. I have two, you see, Evil Kitty and Smacky. Smacky is white, has the prettiest blue eyes, and is fatter than five cats put together. She's also the most anti-social bitch I've ever owned.
Why do I keep that cat around?
Anyway, the little woman and I agree to babysit this dog of my in-laws, a pretty young and active Springer Spaniel named Beethoven. We figure that the cats are used to dogs and that Beethoven was too much of a softy to hurt them or chase them around.
Boy, were we wrong... so totally fucking wrong that it hurt.
Within seconds of getting into our house, Beethoven had chased both cats into the upstairs bedroom and before you can say "bad dog!' Smack panicked and flew out of the upstairs loft and into an entertainment center in the living room smashing a picture frame in the process.
Smacky, despite the huge fall, managed to escape with eight of her lives intact. I always figured that if she fell out of the second story loft, she would have left a crater... shows what I know.
We're taking this damn dog home tomorrow. Just another affirmation that any dog over twenty pounds is too much damn dog!
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW SEASON RIGHT NOW!!! The fifth and final season of Justice Squad has begin as Justice Squad is now in charge of the US government! It's the premiere you've all been waiting for! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP This week, we took on that homoerotic man-witch movie, The Coven, and poked some fun at the thing that's going to doom Sony, the over-priced Playstation 3! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Crank, The Wicker Man, and Beerfest have been reviewed. Check them out, won't you? |
Peace.
Friday September 22, 2006
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QUICK JOKE I
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the
hell was I gonna find
a fake Jeep?""
QUICK JOKE II
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr.
Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's penis.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
QUICK JOKE III
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink
vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want
to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. "I'll show
you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
QUICK JOKE IV
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled
him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dude, Donner
is a God among posters. His photoshop threads always bring out the true
hilarity that lurks within the heart of many an GDer, and for his efforts
he must be commended, even if he's on the highway to hell. All hail the
evil kitty.
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Dear MadMan_731,
If I am a God among posters, why am I going to Hell? Shouldn't I be in charge of Heaven or Mount Olympus or something? Did Zeus go to hell? Did Poseidon? Did Dionysus? No! The very idea of being a God means that you don't go to Hell and I, sir, am not going there!
You on the other hand...
Love,
Donner
MORE TV ROUNDUP
So I'm busying myself waiting for Lost and Drawn Together to start again, but in the meantime here's more of my season premiere roundup!
Jericho: All right, the characters are cardboard and uninteresting so far, but I have to admit that I'm hooked on this show. Sort of a Lost Lite in the middle of Kansas with impending doom over the horizon. This brings up an interesting notion, though... What would you rather do? Die in a nuclear holocaust or live in Kansas? Tough choice.
Family Guy: In the shocker of all shockers, Family Guy... sucks! Seriously, I used to be in love with this show, but this has been two boring and largely laughless episodes in a row. Has this show lost it?
American Dad: Where Family Guy is failing, American Dad is only getting funnier and funnier. The last episode where Steve dated a fat chick was genius. Pure genius.
Survivor: So far, I am under whelmed. For a show that was brimming in controversy and actually had me thinking, "All right, Survivor is back!" I am not at all impressed. The basic makeup of the show is unchanged and the whole racial thing isn't that big of a factor. You get the usual lines about how the black contestants want to represents, about how the Asians want to represent, and how the Hispanics want to represent also. Poor white people... if they said anything like that they would be racist.
The Amazing Race: Where Survivor is blowing it, The Amazing Race is yet again kicking ass with unnaounced eliminations and challenges that are tougher than ever. They even have more interesting people on board this year although, I must admit that I was sorry to see the Muslim brothers get Philimenated first. Not because I like Muslims, but because I wanted to see them run for the finish line and then see them have to make the agonizing choice of winning the million or praying at the specific time. It would have been great TV.
House: Cuddy and Wilson are dicks, Chase is a pansy, Cameron needs to be bitchslaped, Foreman is an asshole. What does it mean when House comes off as the nicest person in the hospital?
Star Trek: Remastered: I would love to comment on this, but the station that was supposed to carry it here in DFW decided not to carry it at the last minute. FUCK YOU, KXTA!
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad not only has to deal with running the US Government now, but also a new superhero group that is more powerful than they are! Who is this new group? Find out now! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP It's The Black Dahlia this week as well as a look into politics as only Fun with Photoshop can manage! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Three, count them, three movies that were a complete fucking waste of my time. Check out reviews of The Covenant, Grandma's Boy, and Take the Lead. |
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AMAZING IMAGES There's a couple of new exhibits in the Amazing Images gallery at The Crap Factory. Check 'em out! |
That is all. Good-bye. I'm not really going anywhere, you just don't have to talk to me anymore.