Tuesday January 2, 2007
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QUICK JOKE I
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the
sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her
husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the
Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"
about the whole thing all during the trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning
where you felt pity for your husband ?"
"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.
"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
QUICK JOKE II
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,
"No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied,
"just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250
yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the
good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd
hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take
the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
QUICK JOKE III
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The
husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many
videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man
can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the
evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two
of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his
wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park
laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and
dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities,
each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing
obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't
believe it."
"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there
for you to see, plus I
have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my
wife could be that
much fun."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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OMG
~Bela |
I
FUCKED UR SISTER AND UR DAD MADe ME HARD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Bela,
It is true that my dad, with his large belly and multiple chins, is a hot piece of property. I will admit getting a little chub myself every now and again when I go to family reunions, but would you please try and control yourself? I think there is enough of my father to go around.
Love,
Donner
GOING AWAY FOR A WHILE
Here I sit on the cold floor of my old apartment, this computer being my only belonging still here. It's New Years Day, I go to work tomorrow, and will probably be working on getting my new house put back into one piece at night.
Here's my dilemma... where I am moving to I have no high-speed internet, no broadband, and won't for several months. I'm back to dial-up but won't even have that thanks to Verizon being run by complete retards who won't set me up with a package until after my phone account is transferred.
Long story short, I think it's time that I took a short vacation from this website. I love this place and always will and will be back as soon as I get any kind of connection, but I've got to go off and reassess some priorities, take a breather, and make my new house more livable.
This'll probably be a two or three week thing. Luckily, this is the week I planned to put Justice Squad on hiatus anyway, so it all works out (sorry to all the fans, I know you're all going to hate me after this installment).
So, good bye for now. I will see you all in a few weeks and maybe eve give you a tour of my new pad.
Batman fucking rocks.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! It's the winter finale of Justice Squad and one team member will not live to celebrate the New Year! |
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...and to all a good night.
Monday January 22, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt
with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the
would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't
even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was
friends."
QUICK JOKE II
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your
bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Caribbean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
QUICK JOKE II
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa
speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was
8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me
that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
i read your reviw, [Of the Harry Potter movies] and i must say I agree that the books are better. I love the books, I've read them for years, and they didn't even show the Cup in the fourth! Sirius Black looks a hell of a lot better in the books, too. And there's more feeling in the books, more depth, which is good. ~Julia Farrell |
Dear Bela,
This is just another example of the power of books. As a teacher, I've always been an advocate of how powerful they are and how a blow from a Harry Potter book (especially that last one) can crack open the skull of any human being when hurtled across a room.
Love,
Donner
BACK AGAIN... WEEEEEEEE!
So, here I am. It's been three weeks without the internet and what a change it has been for me. Seriously, it's like I'm alive again all over. I urge all of you sad little lonely people out there who attach yourself to the teet of the internet looking for the love that was never given to you by yor mother to get away from it every now and then and see what happens.
For instance, they have this thing in the evenings that's just fucking spectacular. It's called a "sunset." I think it's supposed to be like a TV set, only you can't change the channel or pop in a DVD if you get bored. Still, it's absolutely fantastic. I can't believe I've never noticed it before. Perhaps now that I have internet back, I'll Tivo it so I can catch it again.
Also, there is this thing in the large room outside my house (they call that "outdoors") called "wildlife". I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I like the birds and I'll see if I can't find an MP3 of their work on Napster, but I don't like the way that the squirrels were eying me. I bet they're on my myspace page now looking at the pics I have. Well, if they want to be friends they can just forget it.
Oh, and have I mentioned that I've rediscovered this outstanding recreational activity called sex? Did you know that TWO people can do it together? When did they dream that up? I bet it was the Japanese... I mean, the Wii... Playstation... they always have great ideas to pass the time.
Anyway, if you ever have a chance, tear your dick out of your computer every now and then and take a look around. If you don't, you'll be surprised at what you're missing.
Of course, be sure to visit here regularly. You can do that on mobile phones now, I hear.
Anyway, in a tad bit more seriousness, I am back from my little forced vacation and now I'm languishing in 56K land once more. I'm told that broadband will be available in this area around March and, if not... Hughsnet, here I come. I'm getting tired of this no availability shit. Forgive me, but isn't this 2007? If we don't have flying cars or spaceships, I at least want high speed internet where ever I fucking decide to move!
In other news, this is really the first time I've touched the site since the beginning of the month so the update is miniscule to say the least. Next week, though, I promise it will be meatier.
So, lock up your daughters... Donner is back and uglier than ever.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Justice Squad is back and reeling from their biggest defeat ever! Now comes the time to say goodbye to their fallen. Can the squad ever bounce back from the slaughter? |
Until next week...