Monday October 1, 2007
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I'M AN
ASSHOLE
QUICK JOKE
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north.
The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband
came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with
the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and
asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains
that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I
will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If
you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!""
QUICK JOKE II
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might
be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal"
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be
elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there
any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it." "
QUICK JOKE III
There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day
he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to
the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket
please?"
The assistant asked "Pardon sir?".
"Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man.
"Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.
The old man said "Yes, that's what I
said". So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop.
In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock
please?"
The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?".
The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?"
The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir."
So he paid for the clock and walked out of
the shop.
The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked "Can
I have a bum please?"
The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?".
So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?".
The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!".
The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."
So the man bought a bun and walked out of
the shop.
As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and
asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"
The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out."
GOT JOKE?
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Dear Donner, |
Dear Helena,
I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
OCTOBER
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Ye gods, I love this month. October. How could you not love it? the ghosts and ghouls come out, there's more scary stuff on TV, free candy. It's a god-send!
What's more, this time of the year means cooler temperatures and you know it's sad when you live in Texas and consider anything hovering around 90 degrees to be cool, but hey... it is Texas.
I just love the Fall. Cooler temperatures, Halloween, the leaves turning and best of all... the new television season! Yay!
Now, I haven't seen everything yet. I had Journeyman recorded on my DVR and my wife accidentally erased it (which is why you shouldn't work the remote, honey) but I have seen a few things and because you have not asked for it, here's my quick takes on new shows that I've caught and old favorites that have returned.
Heroes - Yawn, snore, drool. Probably the second worst season opener I've seen. Nathan is inexplicably alive, Matt is inexplicably divorced, and Bennett is inexplicably still married. I know they are wanting to build it as the year goes by, but for God's sake, don't bore us before it gets off the ground!
Survivor: China - Yawn, snore, drool. The worst season opener I've seen. Same shit, different country, and the one person who looks like he might actually be interesting is the first one booted out. I think I'll be skipping this season.
House - Not bad, not great... kinda the same-old same-old, but at least they didn't bring the House trio back right away and the terrorism story was fun.
The Legion of Superheroes - Ironically, this has been my favorite return of the season. Ninety-five percent of the silly crap is gone, the show has turned darker, and the voice actors seem more comfortable. Plus, a legion member bit it... of course, we have two duplicates of her, but still. I haven't seen part two yet, but part one was awesome.
Ghost Hunters - Where's Brian? No matter. This was a big improvement over the bullshit Manson House finale where all of the sudden they started to rely on magic over science. And Jason... I like the gotee.
Chuck - Looks like it could be fun or stupid. We'll have to give it time, but for now it's got a spot in my DVR.
Bionic Woman - I'm not terribly impressed. The writing is pretty bad, the acting is worse but at least there is a fun factor in it all. Damn, Wing from Sliders got old!
Reaper - My favorite of the new bunch. Funny as hell... sort of like Buffy meets Jay and Slient Bob.
I'll have more next week.
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THE CRAP FACTORY |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Resident Evil: Extinction |
Back to my TV! TV... AWAY!!!!
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QUICK JOKE
A burglar broke into a house. While ransacking the
house he heard a voice "Jesus is watching you!" the voice said.
Startled, the burglar looked around and saw nothing and surmised he must be
hearing things and went about his business of looting the place.
Again he heard a voice saying "Jesus is watching you!" Looking around this time
he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. Walking up to the parrot he
said "Did you say that"?
The parrot replied "Yes"
"What's your name"? said the burglar.
The parrot replied "Rover".
The burglar exclaimed "What kind of people would name their parrot Rover"?
The parrot replied "The same ones that named their Doberman 'Jesus!' Sic 'em,
Jesus!"
QUICK JOKE II
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into
the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers."
You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
QUICK JOKE III
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
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brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, |
Dear Lisa,
Since you've ended your letter with shameless asskissing of me and my website, I shall answer your question the best I can. The school was in a little town called Cokeville and the incident took place in 1986. Your letter actually prompted me to include The Miracle of Cokeville in the Awesome Mysteries section of the website that can be acessed via The Crap Factory. I hope you like it, I think it's an amazing story and I have seen the pictures of the winged figure on the wall, but I can't find it online. Check out the Miracles DVD box set of Unsolved Mysteries and you'll see it there.
See? Kiss my ass and good things DO happen. It's like a Blarney Stone!
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
THE STATE FAIR
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Have you ever attended the State Fair of Texas? if you ever have that opportunity, throw yourself off a fucking cliff and pray to God that there are sharp rocks at the bottom so you don't survive long enough to be dragged there.
I'm actually shocked, though. I went when I was younger and loved it. Now, I see it as something completely and totally different.
In all fairness, I'm not a fair kind of person. The wife has been wanting to go to the State Fair since we moved to the DFW area and I figured, oh what the heck? What's it going to hurt?
Well, let me paint you a picture of the day, children.
It was a Sunday and so traffic was light... at least until we got to the fairgrounds where police had blocked off all on-ramps leading to the fair. Why? I can't say, but we were routed through a ghettoriffic neighborhood and you can tell the residents there must have loved the idea of non-stop traffic going through their streets all day and night. It was also nice to know that the Dallas PD, instead of dealing with street gangs, violence crime that's run rampant in the area, or the cheese epidemic in schools were spending their time sitting in police cars blocking traffic. That's our tax dollars at work right there.
So, we get parked after waiting in a traffic line for - I shit you not - two hours. We were forced to park in a very scary area under an underpass I could have sworn I saw on America's Most Wanted at least once before. Boarding the tram, we looked foreword to being dropped off at the front gate.
Of course this is no where near where we were dropped off. In fact, the tram didn't even come within three blocks of the gate. Why, you ask? Terrorism. I am not fucking joking with you, kids, these people running the fair were actually afraid some Muslim terrorist was going to hijack a tram and drive it into the fair with a bomb. This begs the question... would a terrorist who has hijacked a tram really not come within three blocks simply because he wasn't supposed to? If Islamic terrorists has that kind of nobility, a forgotten Rudy Giuliani would be having dinning at the Top of the World Restaurant right this minute.
Well, thank God above there were no suspected terrorists at the grounds that day and I suppose it's all well and good. I could use the exercise, after all since I am an enormous (but shrinking) fatass. After a hike in the unforgiving sun, we finally arrived at the main gate and were greeted by people with metal detector wands.
One look at them and you know that they aren't getting paid much. One was playing with his wand by waving it in front of his belt-buckle. My one thought when I saw this was, "Wow, Homeland Security is paying these people how much?"
One quick and very disturbing pass through the metal detector wands and 28 dollars in entry fees (for two people) later and we're in the fair.
There's nothing there! I just shat out almost 40 dollars to park my car and get in and what greets us? Car dealerships, spa dealerships, power companies wanting to sign us up, disk network, Direct TV, Justin Ropers, and every company you can imagine. I just spent 40 dollars to get into a motherfucking commercial!!!!
The product hocking never stopped. We were getting accosted left and right: "Are you a homeowner? Want to get some insurance?" or "Would you like to put a down-payment on a new Toyota Titan?" or "Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?" Even the goddamned dog show had a corporate sponsor, the scummy West Texas Utilities. Ironically, the event was held indoors with no air conditioning. Nice one, WTU!
Still, we tried to make the most of it and made our way to the food midway. In case you've never been to one before, the food court is a fascinating fairground place where all food is fried. Poultry, beef, sweets, you name it! Not only are these foods fried, but they are constantly adding new foods to the menu and they are getting weirder every year. A few years ago it was deep fried twinkies and oreos and cheesecake. Now, they're deep-frying coffee, coca-cola, and peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches.
Disgusting, yes... but I've got to try it anyway. I had the fried PBJ&B while Amy had the fried coke. I thought the fried coke was terrible, but the PBJ&B was actually pretty good. It's not good enough to try twice because, let's face it... eating that kind of food it like eating a Japanese blowfish. You may get lucky once, but if you eat it twice it will probably kill you.
Later on we came across this booth selling solar panels. This is something I have always wanted to do, what with being a staunch environmentalist and all so I inquired. It turns out that with this company (and I can't even remember the name) you don't buy solar panels, but rather you lease them... by paying the company 9 cents a kilowatt for power generated by them. Let me drive this point home to you, children... you pay for electricity that you yourself generate. Does that strike you as odd? Granted, I'm going to go solar eventually, but I'm not willing to be fucked to do it.
It was hot, it was overpriced, and just on food we spent another 20 dollars. What a major ripoff! Call this a State Unfair. At least let us in for free since everything inside the park costs money to do! It's like they charged us money so we can come in a spend more money.
Feh!
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JUSTICE SQUAD |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New Amazing Images, a new Awesome Mystery, and a new round of Photoshop Tennis! |
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THE ARCADE |
Now to go puke up some fried peanut butter, jelly, and bananas.
Monday October 15, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"
"We'll See," says the bartender.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."
"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."
A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."
"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."
"Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
QUICK JOKE II
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it! We're closed!
QUICK JOKE III
After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing
worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took
time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample
bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."
So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?"
he said. "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it. "
"So what did you do?" said the doctor.
"We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"
"But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, |
Dear Jimmy Betts,
I have seen The Decent and, believe me, the story of the green children would have been a lot better if they would have eaten a few people while they were on the surface.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
IT'S OCTOBER... MERRY CHRISTMAS!?!?!?!?!???
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Before I begin a non-stop bitch session, the episode of Star Trek: New Voyages has finally gone up guest starring George Takei. Normally, I don't hock this series too much because it's been a little hokey and the stars a little iffy, but this new episode they have is spectacular and if you're a Trekkie, it's your religious obligation to watch this episode right now!
All right, let me put you in my shoes for a minute. As you well should know, I'm a huge Halloween freak. I love it. Can't get enough of it so imagine my displeasure and dismay as I went into a Garden Ridge today (and, yes, I do shop at Garden Ridge) only to find Halloween on clearance and Christmas shit everywhere.
Good Christ Almighty! It's FUCKING OCTOBER!!!
I mean, I'm not a Grinch by any means. I love Christmas too, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm sure you've heard all of this belly-aching before, but think about this: the giant corporate monsters out there are trotting out Christmas merchandise in July now. That's SIX MONTHS out of the year - 50 percent of our lives - that is overrun by the sights and sounds of Christmas.
There is nothing special about the month of December anymore! It's insane!
If you want to put a stop to this shit once and for all, stop buy Christmas stuff before November! Don't drop a single solitary dime into a strand of lights or garland... don't plunk down money for a Christmas tree, a nutcracker, or even a single fucking candy cane.
It's up to us, the sensible people of the world who aren't ruled by the powerful fist of monetary gains to put some sense back into the holidays. October is for Halloween, November is for Thanksgiving, and December is for Christmas. Nothing more! Don't buy it!
If you buy Christmas in July, Jesus weeps for you.
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JUSTICE SQUAD |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New curiosities! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP What the hell is the Magical Mystery Object? Find out now in a huge and hilarious gallery! |
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THE ARCADE |
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THE HALLOWEEN HAUNT It's been gone for two years, but now it's risen again! The Halloween Haunt is back, baby! |
Merry Christma-- SHIT!!!
Monday October 22, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a
beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your
pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
QUICK JOKE II
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At
home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began,
they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt
the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"!
QUICK JOKE III
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The
hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
"The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the
nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner,
~Lorraine~ . |
Dear Lorraine,
I don't believe you. To sit there and have the audacity to write me a letter telling me that there is some kind of a difference between England and Ireland is insane. Seriously, babe, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? That's like saying there's a difference between shit and diarrhea.
Love,
Donner
PS: I am kidding. It's fixed.
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
SIX FLAGS FRIGHT FEST
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All right, you may recall several months ago that I swore that I would never darken the door of Six Flags Over Texas again because the park is shoddy, overpriced, and badly run. All right, so having said that I was recently given free tickets to the Fright Fest celebration that they have every October and was asked to go.
Oh, what the hell... it's free, right?
Turns out that even Fright Fest sucked ass. Never had I seen a more vanilla celebration of Halloween in my whole life. Sure, there were some impressive haunted houses there, but you had to pay extra to get into them! Let's think about this, boys and girls, you pay $55 to get into a park and then they want you to pay extra for the very attractions that got you into the park in the first place. Unbelievable!
So, this is a short blog today. If you are thinking about going to a Six Flags Fright Fest anywhere on the planet where one of these parks exist, think twice! They fuck you as soon as you get into the gate.
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JUSTICE SQUAD |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New curiosities and subliminal messages! |
Boycott Six Flags! They could at least paint that fucking place once every five years!
Monday October 29, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the
loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for
using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns,
repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While
you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks
for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
QUICK JOKE II
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to
the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I
met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner
behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a
grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man
sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to
himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at
it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners
near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts
up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the
little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes
of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is
banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be
described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a
blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, t