Monday March 5, 2007
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SAFE
SEX AD
QUICK JOKE
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
QUICK JOKE II
These two guys were in a bar talking. One says to the other, "I
can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
QUICK JOKE III
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see
which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we
are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or
move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of
you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be
in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm
the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not
important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the
stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all
watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to
put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge,
just an asshole."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
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or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
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THANK GOD!
someone else agrees with me! who cares about this girl's life, but murder
is serious. wow, that sounded weird. ~ Julia Farrell |
Dear Julia,
No, I have not seen Eragon. In fact, I am taking a brief sabbatical from watching any theatrical releases until the release of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or, as it is otherwise known as "TMNT") and I do not want to risk not having enough money to see Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo, and Picasso kick some Foot Clan ass again. So fuck that Eragon crap. I'll wait until DVD to peer into that shitbox.
To answer your second question... what?
Love,
Donner
ROMBER MUST DIE
Dear Television Executives Who Visit This Site Hoping to Steal My Marvelous Ideas,
I have been watching The Amazing Race for the last few weeks and I have come to this sad conclusion... obviously, you are under the mistaken impression that the team of Rob and Amber are somehow entertaining or in any way appealing. I am writing you this letter today to tell you that they are not and you are wrong.
You
see, Rob and Amber (or Romber as some people who think they are clever
like to call them) suck balls. Not only balls, but big, fat,
hairy, crusty, crab-infested balls. I mean it, guys... I hate
them. Never before have I seen a couple more overexposed and yes,
I am including the team-ups of Tom and Katie, Brad and Angelina, and Tom
and Roseanne.
Granted, if these two douchebags were actually famous for doing something that required talent, they might be a little more tolerable, but let me break this down for you... they are not talented, they are fucking reality TV show contestants. They went on Survivor and then they went away. That's how reality TV is supposed to work. You see these annoying assholes for one season and then they go away. Johnny Fairplay went away. Jase went away. Jonathan and Victoria went away. Puck went away. I don't care where they go. They could end up being ground up and made into dog food for all the rat's ass that I give. The point is, they go away and don't come back! That's where reality TV gets a lot of its appeal... unlike sit-coms, the annoying assholes don't come back!
But no... Rob and Amber had to come back for Survivor All Stars. Okay, fine... you know... it's not a terrible thing when you bring back some of these temporary celebrities for another shot at another fifteen minutes, but when Rob proposed to Amber at the end of the season, I knew that it was going to be trouble and I wouldn't see these assholes go away for some time.
Next came The Rob and Amber Get Married Special. After all, the two met and fell in love on a reality show, why not get married on one? Surely after this special, these two dog clits would finally fade into the sweet obscurity of nothingness.
Then, blasphemy of all blasphemies, Rob and Amber ended up on the greatest reality show of all time, The Amazing Race. Let me break this down to you children, these two overexposed jizz-bombs have already taken reality TV for over a million dollars and probably more and now they're on another show - a better show - trying to make more money. What the fuck!? Seriously? What the FUCK!?
We had a word for this when I was in the radio biz. Prize hogs!
I would punch Rob in the mouth if I could. His smug, egocentric, self-worship is the type of thing that makes me want to chuck my cat at the TV. And Amber, her vacant cheerleading and love affair with herself makes me want to throw hot grease into her face.
If once on The Amazing Race wasn't bad enough, now Romber are currently pissing all over The Amazing Race All Stars! Goddammit! They are going all over the world with their shit-eating smirks thinking in their heads that America actually loves their sorry asses while they bend over the great spirit of television, spread its butt cheeks wide, and proceed to fuck it hard.
Here's a goddamn clue, television writers, I am sick and fucking tired of seeing these two Neanderthalic cockgobbling thundercunts on my television. My hate for Rob and Amber is both white-hot and unsurging. I want these two to take their millions of dollars they got as TV whored them out as some kind of reality dream team and perfect married couple, get it all in silver dollars, and shove it up both of their readily lubricated asses.
Then, I demand that they go away and never return. They've had their fifteen minutes, they've gotten way more fame than they deserve, and they have made way too much fucking money for being such fucking worthless people.
And I make to you my pledge now. I have prayed and hoped that someday I would be a contestant on The Amazing Race and, God help me, when I do live out this dream I will wear a T-shirt that proudly displays my hatred for Rob and Amber. Something like "Romber must die" or "Rob sucks my nuts" or "Amber is ugly, but she does do that thing with her tongue."
And so, television writers, I make this plea with you. We've had enough of Rob and Amber. They might have been fascinating once, perhaps even twice but now, like the smell of three day old fish smeared in horseshit and left out in the sun, they've gone bad, they've gone stale, and they've gone to far. Personally, I won't be happy until they are just plain gone.
So let them go, TV people, let them go.
Future Amazing Racer,
Donner
AMERICAN IDOL - WEEK 3
True to form, the guys sucked this time around. Big shocker there. Ryan asked the judges how many of the guys deserved to be in the final 12 and the average answer was four. My opinion... try two.
Blake Lewis – “All Mixed Up”
Blake didn’t choose a very lively song and, to be perfectly honest, I
pretty much hated it. However, Blake is an entertainer through and
through… he’s Taylor with a more hip edge. He made me interested in a
song that I didn’t really care for and made me love it. It was unique,
it was individual, and it was so different than anything else I’ve heard
on the show. Good job Blake. Chances of winning
American Idol – 5:1.
Vagina Malakar – “Waiting on the World to Change.”
As expected, it was an odd, awful, horrible, and a complete and utter
mess. Enough about Vagina’s hair, though, let’s talk about his singing
which still completely sucks. Granted, he didn’t suck nearly as
completely as he did last week, but he still fucking sucks. This is a
message to all of the twelve-year olds keeping this little Nancy boy in
this competition: girls, he isn’t that cute. He’s weird looking! For
Chrissakes, stop voting on this ugly little shit!
Chances of winning American Idol – 5000:1.
Sundance Head – “Jeremy”
I’m somewhat on the fence. On one hand, it was a terrible performance
and a shitty song choice but on the other hand, he did rock heartedly
even if it didn’t really mesh. Sundance really regressed from last week
which sucks because I support fat people in any reality competition and
for two, a mediocre performance at this leg in the race will probably
end up sending him home. It doubly sucks because Vagina needs to go home
before Sundance does, but Sundance doesn’t have the advantage of looking
like a 12-year old boy that all the high school teenagers seem to love.
Chances of winning American Idol – 300:1.
Piss Bitchardson – “Tonight I Want to Cry”
…and after listening to Piss sing, I want to also. Terrible. I mean,
yeah… Piss put his own little spin on it, but then again his little spin
was to pussify the song and make it a whiney boy band number. Shakey,
nasally, and just awful. Chances of winning
American Idol – 100:1.
Jared Cotter – “If You Really Love Me”
I don’t. Sounded like a very bland lounge act to me. One of the kind of
acts where if it was playing in a casino, I wouldn’t bother to stop and
listen to it. This is the kind of act that will just fade into the
shadow of the other better singers. Chances of
winning American Idol – 250:1.
Brandon Rogers – “I Just Want to Celebrate”
I can understand why Brandon wants to celebrate since, by all rights, he
should have had his sorry ass chucked out last week. Still, he has
reason to celebrate… he was pretty entertaining this week. I wasn’t
blown away by it and it did seem rather awkward, but I am still not
ready to forgive him for fucking up “Time After Time.” I think he’ll fly
under the radar. Chances of winning American
Idol – 1000:1.
Phil Stacey – “I Need You”
In a word: Yuck! He sang this song like a female impersonator or like he
was trying to do a Miss Piggy impression. There was very little if
anything about this performance that went right. Awful. I like this guy,
but it was awful. I think he’s finished. He was actually worse than
Vagina. I don’t even think I have to comment on how ugly his face is…
like the infected asshole of a diarrheic horse.
Chances of winning American Idol – 2000:1.
Chris Sligh – “We Are Born to be Loved”
One thing that I always like about Chris is that he’s one of the few
guys who has any real power behind his voice. He needs to work on making
the songs his own and putting his own little spin on them as he does
come off as a little karaoke, but overall not bad. He always gets major
personality points from me though. Chances of
winning American Idol – 25:1.
Great
Blake Lewis – “All Mixed Up”
Good
Chris Sligh – “We Are Born to be Loved”
Brandon Rogers – “I Just Want to Celebrate”
Bad
Sundance Head – “Jeremy”
Jared Cotter – “If You Really Love Me”
Awful
Piss Bitchardson – “Tonight I Want to Cry”
Vagina Malakar – “Waiting on the World to Change.”
Phil Stacey – “I Need You”
Sadly, even though he was one of my early favorites, I believe that
Phil Stacey has ended his tenure on American Idol. For my other
choice, I would love to see Vagina go home because of how badly he
sucks, but I think that Piss Bitchardson will end up getting the
plane ticket that Vagina has been deserving week after week.
And now for the girls…
Jordin Sparks – “Heartbreaker”
First of all, Jordin should have picked a better song. It all sounded a
little crazy for me, but overall I wouldn’t call it terrible. Better
than average. Lots of energy and it was fun at least. The judges are
right, these ladies kick the boys in the nuts.
Odds of winning American Idol – 10:1
Sabrina Sloan – “Don’t Let Go”
I can’t say that I like the song, but Sabrina kicked ass vocally. She’s
got a nice powerful voice and sounds tougher than the wimpy little men
they have this time around. I have to agree with the judges when they
say that she was emotionless and robotic. Her personality needs to come
out and match her power. Odds of winning
American Idol – 30:1
Antone-deaf Barba – “Let Your Hair Down”
I will say this… she sucks, I know it, you know it, and she knows it but
at least she’s trying to hide it a little better. Does she still deserve
to be on American Idol? A pile of shit hidden by a tarp still smells
just as bad. Time to go, Barba. Addendum: All right, I listened to this
girl talk in the post-interview and she comes off as such a fucking
bitch. Different style? What is your style? Sucking more than everyone
else? Antone-deaf, you aren’t that talented, you’re getting by on looks,
and the more you talk the less appealing you become. Die bitch.
Odds of winning American Idol –
1,000,000,000,000:1
Haley Scarnato – “If My Heart Had Wings”
At least Antone-deaf has company in the complete suckage department this
week. Wow, this was awful and painful at the same time… kind of a
awfainful. Not as bad as the shit that spews out of Barba’s mouth, but
still very bad. No personality, no pizzazz, no “yo,” and extremely
forgettable. I think we have our first confirmed casualty of the night.
Odds of winning American Idol – 1000:1
Stephanie Edwards – “You’re My Everything”
I love Stephanie. Melinda’s cute, Antone-deaf (despite sucking) is hot,
but Stephanie is elegant. It’s just so refreshing to see someone young
be so elegantly beautiful and sound so sultry without going all slutty.
The song wasn’t my favorite, but I have no problem seeing her in the
competition next week. Odds of winning American
Idol – 20:1
LaKisha Jones – “If I Don’t Have You”
Finally, someone sings Whitney who can actually handle Whitney! She
sounds awesome, she has a powerful soulful voice, she has a winning
personality, and… Hell, I just love this little lady to death. Not only
can I see her back next week, but she is at least going to make it to
the final three. Odds of winning American Idol
– 3:1
Gina Glocksen – “Make up your Mind”
This was the perfect song choice for Gina. I can’t say that it was my
favorite performance and it did fall apart there at the end, but overall
this was classic Gina. I don’t see her winning the competition barring a
meteor strike on the studio that kills half of the girls, but it is so
fun to see a lady rock the shit off the stage.
Odds of winning American Idol – 15:1
Melinda Doolittle – “Woman”
There was nothing I didn’t love about this performance. Loved it, loved
the song, loved the performance, loved the personality, I even loved the
fact that she sang directly to the backup singers. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the lady who is the most serious contender for American Idol.
Look out, LaKisha, this little tiger has your back!
Odds of winning American Idol – 3:1
Great
Melinda Doolittle – “Woman”
LaKisha Jones – “If I Don’t Have You”
Good
Gina Glocksen – “Make up your Mind”
Stephanie Edwards – “You’re My Everything”
Sabrina Sloan – “Don’t Let Go”
Jordin Sparks – “Heartbreaker”
Horrible
Haley Scarnato – “If My Heart Had Wings”
Antone-deaf Barba – “Let Your Hair Down”
It’s a no-brainer who I think should go away this week. Haley
Scarnato and Antone-deaf Barba although I have absolutely no
confidence in the voting ability of the American Idol audience,
it just wouldn’t feel right to put anyone else in the sacrifice column.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Kingdom Dumb continues! It's 30 years in the future and it's time to reunite with Wolfman and his twin boys! But when one of them is kidnapped, the chase leads to a confrontation with an old flame! |
 |
THE GHASTLY GHOST GALLERY Some brand new pictures from the scariest corner of the internet! (Okay, maybe not the scariest but at least we're not charging you admission - I'm looking at you, Secret Crypt!) One of these pictures, I shit you not, is flat-out amazing. |
That's all I've got for you this week. I wish you peace and long life unless you are Rob and Amber.
Tuesday March 13, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
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A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be?
You've been married twice..."
The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband,
he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex.
Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector,
and all he ever wanted to do was............. Oh God, I miss him!"
QUICK JOKE II
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a
cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A
farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
QUICK JOKE III
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry,
old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here
says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the
Lord's name in vain during a golf game."
"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but
I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.
"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office.
"We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."
"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."
"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"
"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord.
"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made
it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par
on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing
beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into
the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..."
"And that's when you took my name in vain?"
"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out
of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the
green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right
smack in the middle of a deep hole..."
"So, that is when you took my name in vain?"
"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that
ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the
hole..."
"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!" "
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Donner, you wicked wicked man, when the hell are you coming back to RT? ~ RailroadHatPat |
Dear RailroadHatPat,
With all of my aliases, how can you be sure I ever left?
Love,
Donner
WHAT A GREAT WEEK I'M HAVING...
Every now and then, I have to brag. You see, usually I have week after shitty week as I wait for death and the inevitable conclusion of my pathetic and very underwhelming life. But this week, you see, is different. I am having a great week. Probably in the top fifteen of my greatest weeks ever.
If you are a regular visitor to this site, you can probably guess at two of the reasons for my excessive jubilation. For one, that talentless waste of skin super-bitch Antone-deaf is finally off of American Idol. Sure, Vagina is still there but I hated this quivering thundercunt so much that when Seacrest announced that she was gone, I leaped off the couch and let out a roar of satisfaction usually reserved only for intense masturbation.
The week only improved when I watched The Amazing Race on Sunday and Rob and Amber (who I spent an entire blog on last week) went from first place all the way down to last and got eliminated. Rob, so confident in his own wits and ability, was outwitted and outplayed by a spastic 95 pound Jewish woman and her pet midget. I have never been so thrilled to see someone shut down so quickly. Fuck you, Romber... will you please just fade into obscurity now like you should have done three years ago?
I painted my garage the other day. Yeah, I know that's not a great reason to say you're having a wonderful week, but I went crazy with it. The interior has vertical blue, purple, tan, and red stripes and one side of the garage is a mural. Yeah, my wife loved me after coming home to that. Also, I think my new neighbors hate me now. At least that hump is over with... usually it takes neighbors at least until Halloween to hate my guts.
Best news of all... I'm getting High-Speed internet back on Thursday! Woot! No more shitty half-assed updates to the website because my dial-up is slower than a retard with a pituitary disorder! I can do Fun with Photoshop again! Cable internet, baby! Fuck you, AT&T! I'm not waiting around with my thumb up my ass for you to wire up my neighborhood anymore, you lying misleading globs of putrid frogshit!
Finally, what could be better than Spring Break? Now that I'm an educator, I can just sit at home and relax. Might go to Six Flags... might not. Might just be even more of the worthless sack of shit I already am.
Anyway, I should be on Best Week Ever. The only way this week could get any better would be if there was money or sex involved but since I'm now married, I know that ain't gonna happen.
American Idol Recap coming Tuesday!
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Kingdom Dumb continues! What has happened to Luna, Cosmic Weasel, and Devour in the last 30 years? Perhaps their children and Donner can find out! |
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THE GHASTLY GHOST GALLERY Some brand new pictures from the scariest corner of the internet! (Okay, maybe not the scariest but at least we're not charging you admission - I'm looking at you, Secret Crypt!) One of these pictures, I shit you not, is flat-out amazing. |
Peace out, y'alls!
Monday March 19, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
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A town in Poland had only one cow and it
stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and
discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or
one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got
the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of
milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people
decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they
would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When
the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the
left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow
moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to
do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the
bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought
the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
QUICK JOKE II
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should
I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his last son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
QUICK JOKE III
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in
his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through
such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden." "
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dude, where the fuck is the next LOLA? ~ Marty |
Dear Marty,
The next LOLA is a massive undertaking. Already, we have hundreds and hundreds of pages of a story that spans countless eons and galaxies. The jokes have been tested on college students for maximum humorocity and the entire project has a budget of over one hundred and ninety three trillion dollars.
And it will get here when it fucking gets here!
Love,
Donner
SIX FLAGS
Have you ever been to a Six Flags park? If not, let me recount to you the wonderful experience of going to one.
As you arrive, you are asked to pay a nominal fee for the privilege of parking your car. Why you have to do this I am not certain as I don't really think that the Six Flags parking lot is near a mall or anything where people might take up valuble parking spots, but they charge you anyway. Before you even get in the park, you're out 15 bucks.
Now you buy your ticket. I remember back when I was a kid, it was around 25 dollars to get into Six Flags. Now it's about 55 dollars. In case you're keeping score, we're up to 70 smackers and we haven't even gotten into the front gate yet.
Before you enter, however, you have to go through a barrage of park employees who are bound and determined to take your picture whether you like it or not. It doesn't matter if you're alone or with a group: "Hey asshole! Stand there and smile I'm taking your picture! CLICK! By the way, eight by ten prints are available in the gift shop for twenty dollars."
Naturally, I never spend money on those things but I always lie and tell them I'll pick one up. In reality, I'm still out 70 dollars but in principle, I'm out 90.
What was I doing? Oh yeah, time to go into the front gates. But what's this? Security guards checking bags? For what, bombs? Nerve gas? A suicide bomber? Nope, they're checking for the most dangerous contraband of all... outside foods! I shit you not, people, they actually confiscated a fucking pop tart that my mother took into the park for her one and a half year old grandson. These heartless motherfuckers took a pop tart from a baby. Son of a bitch!
Why would they do such a thing? Obviously, they want you to buy food from their stores and, honestly, I can see their point. Where else would a sane man pay twelve dollars for a hamburger or five bucks for a glass of Dr. Pepper?
By lunchtime, I'm out 87 dollars.
How are the rides? Mostly nonfunctional. The Titan, The Shockwave... sorry, kids, but these rides (the probable reason you came to Six Flags in the first place) are shut down for routine maintenance. Sure, we had all winter to work on them, but on the other hand... fuck you.
It's not a total loss. I did ride the Batman rollercoaster which brings an interesting question to mind... why does Batman need a rollercoaster? On the other hand, why does he need Robin?
Getting back on topic, the coaster was fun despite waiting two hours in a slow moving line. Once I got on the coaster and rode it once, I made the unpleasant discovery that I cannot ride thrill rides like I used to. Apparently, once you hit 30, your equilibrium and resistance to getting turned upside down at 113 miles per hour turns to liquid shit and I had to sit on a bench for ten minutes just to maintain and not puke.
Long story short, ladies, I've been going to this park since I was a little blogger and, man, has it gone downhill fast. Yeah, the coasters are awesome - except for the Texas Giant which, quite frankly, it too fucking rough to enjoy now - but the whole park has gotten to be a penny-ante operation. I mean, for God's sake once you pay for parking and the outrageous entry fee, they actually want you to pay more to ride certain rides!
I keep hearing how Six Flags is in financial trouble and, after getting the full brunt of having the entire park bend me over and fuck my ass, I can see why. I won't pay to go there again. Fuck Six Flags!
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP
Haley Scarnato – “Complicated”
Awful, awful, awful. She was terrible. I don’t know if the judges were
listening to a different show than I was, but watching her sing was like
listening to all the air going out of a balloon… not that pleasant and
just getting weaker with each passing moment.
Piss Bitchardson – “Don’t Let the Sun Get You Crying”
I hate this little shit and yet, he did a hell of a job on this song. I
have to agree with Simon and say that it was his best performance of the
entire series. He kept the warbles and nasally vocals in check, he just
did the song as it was supposed to be with a bit of himself in it. Loved
it. I still hate Chris, but I’ve got to give credit where credit is due.
Stephanie Edwards – “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”
Steph sounded a little off. Her voice was shakey and, if you ask me, I
think she flubbed the first line of her song, got nervous, and never
fully recovered. I’m not saying it was a terrible performance, but it
was no where in the zone that I have been expecting from her. It was
off. That’s all.
Blake Lewis – “Time of the Season”
Thank you, Blake, for coming on stage and giving a show that was better
than Piss Bitchardson. He updated it, made it cool, and yeah – he could
rerecord this tune and sell a jillion copies. I’d buy one! Out of all
the guys, he has the greatest chance of winning (if Melinda and LaKisha
are hit by a bus).
LaKisha Jones – “Diamonds are Forever”
I’m a little surprised. LaKisha is usually such a strong singer and this
week I’m struggling to qualify the song as average. This was a bland,
old-fashioned, and completely safe slection from someone who had no
business doing something strong. I honestly think that LaKisha might
have put herself into a very dangerous place and may be facing premature
elimination. Think I’m being paranoid? You remember Mandisa? I rest my
case.
Phil Stacey – “Tobacco Road”
Yeppers, Ol’ Phil is in serious trouble this week and I think he knows
it. His performance was painful… like watching a white kid speak
Ebonics, it doesn’t fit and just looks ridiculous. His on stage dancing
was painful and it was all just such a bad package. It’s sad to see Phil
go down in flames like this. He could play The Joker in the new Batman
movie.
Jordin Sparks – “I Who Have Nothing”
When it was said before the performance that Jordin had a chance to get
to the finale I kind of rolled my eyes and muttered, “Whatever” but now,
after watching her sing this song I sort of believe it. This was
amazing. Her best of the show. Loved it!
Vagina Makalar – “You Really Got Me”
Holy shitbeans! Vagina is so pathetically bad! I saw this little girl
crying in the audience… I don’t think it’s because she loved it, but
because he wouldn’t stop singing. Vagina is the worst American Idol
contestant of all time. Awful, terrible, complete and total shit on
stage! DIE!!!
Gina Gloksen – “Paint it Black”
It was pitchy, but I enjoyed it. It’s about time that American Idol had
a female rocker and while she does need to work on her vocals, I am
literally floored over the fact that Randy and Paula give higher marks
to that shitstain Sanjaya than they did to Gina. Are they deaf?
Chris Sligh – “She’s Not There”
Not the greatest vocal of the night, but hey – you know – like this guy.
He’s skating by on personality, but I do like him and he did choose a
song that fit him well. I don’t think he’s really got a chance in Hell
of actually winning the competition anymore, but at least he’s
entertaining to watch.
Melinda Doolittle – “As Long as He Needs Me”
Incredible job. Melinda is so far out of everyone else’s class that it’s
not even funny. IF she doesn’t win the whole competition I’ll be
shocked.
Great
Melinda Doolittle
Blake Lewis
Jordin Sparks
Piss Bitchardson
Good
Stephanie Edwards
Chris Sligh
LaKisha Jones
Bad
Gina Gloksen
Awful
Phil Stacey
Hailey Scarnato
Vagina Makalar
I will hand it to the performers... they
are all mostly improving. Some regressed a little, but even the
worst out of them sounded better than last week.
Who SHOULD go home: Vagina. Worst contestant ever.
Who WILL go home: Phil. I’m afraid the road ends for you tonight,
ugly.
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Kingdom Dumb continues! What has happened to Luna, Cosmic Weasel, and Devour in the last 30 years? Perhaps their children and Donner can find out! |
 |
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS I'm finally getting off my ass and reviewing new movies! Check out the latest reviews of 300, Norbit, and Wild Hogs! |
Fun with Photoshop returns next week! Be there or be somewhere else!
Monday March 27, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
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An American touring Spain stopped at a
local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his
sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served
at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."
QUICK JOKE II
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried
in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that
he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check
to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and
he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she
loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a
black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
QUICK JOKE III
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he
was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven
right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his
income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would
be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next
five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price
to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this
enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos
was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he
approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos
replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government
out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook
their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have
to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to
help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along,
minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn
that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an
absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and
Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They
asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they
were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I
have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself,
"Damn income taxes!""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Hey! I
became a big fan of The Liam Smith Show way back when FanFiction.net
featured original fiction. It was great to come back and see everything
again. Great memories. |
Dear Bam,
Yes, indeed. Fanfiction.net was a great place to house original fiction until they all became a pack of goose-stepping child-molesting fascists bent on making all art conform into their narrow and small vision of what expression should be. Fanfiction.net can lick the sweat off of my hairy nutsack. They can eat the crust out of my deceased great-grandmother's desiccated taint. They can blow my dog.
As for The Liam Smith Show, you should be pleased to hear the big news that it's still cancelled.
Love,
Donner
WHAT DO I WATCH?
I'm not sure why anyone gives a shit, but I've been getting one or two requests a week wanting to know what's on my Tivo list. That's a misnomer since I don't have Tivo, but I do have a DVR and that's about the next best thing.
So, what's on my DVR?
Monday
Heroes
Tuesday
House
American Idol
Wednesday
Jericho
Lost
American Idol Results Show
South Park
Thursday
Survivor (Personally, I hate the show but the wife loves it)
Friday
The Wedding Bells (Again, the wife. What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?)
Saturday
The Legion of Superheroes
Sunday
The Simpsons
Family Guy
American Dad
The Amazing Race
Star Trek Remastered
Battlestar Galactica
Other
Drawn Together
Gargoyles
The Boondocks
Robot Chicken
Now the mystery is solved. Now you can sleep.
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP
LaKisha Jones – “Let’s Dance”
Better than last week and it was nice to see LaKisha do something up
tempo and fun, but I still don’t think that she’s quite returned to form
but at least with this performance she is well on her way. Love this
girl, but that’s mostly out of my support of fat people in any endeavor.
All right, she’s a great singer too.
Chris Sligh – “Everything She Does is Magic”
Ever download a video from the internet and, when you watch it, you
notice that the picture and audio aren’t exactly in sync and yet, the
video is still watchable? Still, you can’t help but notice that
something is off… something is wrong. Eventually, you just get into the
groove of it and accept the oddness. That was what it was like watching
Chris’ performance… minus the acceptance. Chris’ worst performance yet.
Gina Glocksen – “I’ll Stand by You”
And here’s Gina’s best performance in a long time. She chose a great
song, it suited her voice, and still allowed her to remain raw and the
rocker that she is. I enjoyed it more than any other of Gina’s number
and this is coming from someone who enjoys Gina for other reasons than
her name is the second syllable of “Vagina.”
Vagina Malakar – “Bathwater”
A creepy song for a creepy boy. I can’t even get past the hair to talk
about how asshorrible his singing is. At least this little semen stain
is finally accepting his place as a sideshow freak in the American Idol
Circus and has embraced it. He looked like a frakking toilet brush up
there… which is appropriate when you consider what a toilet brush cleans
up. Too bad he couldn’t clean up the mountains of poo that vomited from
his pretty little mouth. Why do I have the feeling this disturbing boy
is going to be the cause of an Amber Alert years down the road?
Helly Scarnato – “True Colors”
I have to say, despite the fact that I hate this chick, this was
probably one of Helly’s better performances. She sang it as it was, no
embellishment, no frills… just pretty. I wouldn’t call this a home run,
but it’s a decent double which in Helly’s column is a real
accomplishment.
Phil Mistakey – “Every Breath you Take”
Wow, no sooner do I think of an amusing and yet immature and lame
nickname for Phil, he goes and doesn’t suck making me look like an
asshole. Hey, the performance was great, the song suited him, and he
sounded great but the performance sounded like a copycat of the Police
version. Pretty good, though but… woooooooo? With that
Melinda DooLittle – “Heaven Knows”
Why are they even bothering to have a competition this year? Melinda is
by far, light years away from the other singers. Gina isn’t fit to wipe
Melinda’s butt. Phil isn’t fit to chew Melinda’s used gum. Sanjaya isn’t
fit to be on American Idol. I know that has nothing to do with Melinda,
but still…
Blake Lewis – “Love Story”
First, let me just say that I’m happy Blake got rid of that damn spike
thing on his head. That is such a goddamn irritating hairstyle and
everytime I see someone with it, all I can think about is Martin Short
as Ed Grimley. Have you got that hairdo and don’t know who Ed Grimley
is? Look it up and comb it out! As for the song, I loved it. It didn’t
need the beat boxing, he did put it in there, and he sang it very well.
It was a little pedestrian, but I enjoyed it.
Jordin Sparks – “Boys Say, Girls Say (Whatever it is)”
Ew, I didn’t like this. A disappointment after Jordin kicked oudious
amounts of booty after last week. This song didn’t suit her, it sounded
weird, it was distracting, and just… weird. I couldn’t get into it.
Piss Bitchardson – “Don’t Speak”
Here’s a better choice of a song… Don’t Sing! I’m just kidding. He
wasn’t that bad this time around, but that was too good of a joke not to
use. I don’t like Piss, I think he’s a nasal potential faggy boy band
member, but this time… not that bad. Not that great, but not that bad.
Great
Melinda DoLittle
Phil Mistakey
Good
Blake Lewis
LaKisha Jones
Gina Glocksen
Piss Bitchardson
Bad
Jordin Sparks
Helly Scarnato
Horrible
Chris Sligh
Vagina Makalar
Who should go home. Vagina the Sideshow: an absolute disgrace to
American Idol and to disgrace American Idol is no small accomplishment.
Who will go home. Hard to say. Aside from Vagina, no one stuck
out as incredibly sucky and Vagina has been irritatingly indestructible
as of late. Chris was my pick as weakest otherwise, but he’s got the
personality going for him. Perhaps this is the week Helly Scarnato
finally takes her final bow?
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Donner journeys out into space with the help of an unlikely ally! It's 30 years in the future and Justice Squad had to save the world again, but who's trying to stop them? |
 |
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP It's back, ladies and gentlemen, and it's back with TURTLE POWER! That's right, children... it's TMNT! |
And that's that. Catch you next week.