Saturday August 4, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
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There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks
her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is,
but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except
one boy - Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm
not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a democrat." The teacher asks why he's a democrat. The boy
says, "Well, my mom's a democrat, and my Dad's a democrat, so I'm a democrat!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if
you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
QUICK JOKE II
A blonde decides to go ice fishing so she finds a nice patch of ice,
saws a hole into it, and starts fishing. She sits there for about
thirty minutes when she hears a booming voice from above: "There
are no fish here," it says.
The blonde leaps to her feet and glances around. Not seeing anyone, she decides that her imagination is running wild. A few minutes later, the silence is shatters by the same deep booming voice: "You will not catch any fish here!"
This time the blonde ignored it and continued to fish and, just like the voice predicted, didn't catch a thing. Finally the voice boomed again: "I told you, there are no fish here!"
"Is that you, God!?" the blonde asks in amazement.
"No," said the voice, "This is the manager of the hockey stadium."
QUICK JOKE III
Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?
What's the emergency?"
"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible
news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."
They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside,
in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith,
that isn't your child.
Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs. Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me." Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."
One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."
Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worsethan this!?
But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with
bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."
"Sir, it's deaf."
GOT JOKE?
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|
Dear Donner,
...any idea
when the next Justice Squad ep will be available? I'm having withdrawal
symptoms. |
Dear Liam,
Hopefully, in a couple of weeks we'll finally premiere the last few episodes of Justice Squad. Things have been hectic for me and for our regular writers so we've taken a short hiatus until the last episodes are complete.
So fuck off. Wait.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
HAMSTER BALLS!!!
Last week I got pissed off and went off topic. I was going to write about what happened last month, but got distracted and for that I am very sorry because, in the grand scheme of things only one thing really matters... cute little baby hamsters.
The odyssey of the cute little baby hamsters began in the spring when the little honey and I were walking through a PetCo (that's right, I shop at PetCo - suck it, PETa) and saw two black bear hamsters that were being given away. Seems that they were school hamsters and with the school year coming to a close both needed a good home. Well, Amy and I are suckers for animals so we adopted the pair of females and gave them new digs in our dining room.
As the months wore on we started noticing something peculiar... one of the females started biting at the other even going so far as to tear one of her ears. I marked it off as some territorial thing, the bigger hamster was trying to be the queen bitch of the cage - the alpha female if you will. We would take the little beat-up hamster and love on it, feed it, and disinfect it's wounds wondering why these vicious attacks were happening and, more importantly, when? We never saw them fight. Not once. The only evidence were the bite marks on the smaller hamster. I started referring to the bigger one as That Bitch.
That Bitch was apparently eating all the food too. The other hamster was skin and bone while That Bitch was fattening up. This was getting ridiculous. What was this rodent's problem? Why can't these ladies just get along?
We were out of town when we got a very weird message from our friend who was house-sitting for us. "Your hamster just had babies."
What?
I read the message again.
"Your hamster just had babies."
The fuck...? How did our hamster have babies? Not only babies, but thirteen of them... a naked pink wriggling mass of vermin.
But this is impossible! I'm not an expert on it, but I do recall certain keywords in the birds and the bees speech I was given when I was twenty-one. Don't you need a guy and a girl to have babies?
We pondered this on the ride home. Maybe she was pregnant when we first bought her? No, that would have been too long ago. Perhaps it's immaculate conception and Jesus is returning as a hamster? No... too sacrilegious. It was a mystery to us. After all, we knew that the other hamster was female. If you've never had a male hamster before, let me just put this mildly... their balls are biblical in scale to the point that you could till farmland with them. Hamster balls are something you just don't miss.
We got home, made sure that the hamster did have babies and didn't just take a massive shit, and then picked up the other poor little beaten-up hamster we'd felt so sorry for.
No
balls. The hamster had no balls! The mystery had only
deepened... or had it?
I eyed the hamster suspiciously and then pressed on its belly with my finger. Like a pair of champagne corks, a very impressive set of hamster nuts exploded from the little rodent enough to illicit a shrill, "SHIT!" from my mouth. You can't blame me for being surprised after all, we had the hamster equivalent of Glen or Glenda under our roof.
That was a month ago and the naked sea of squirming bubonic plague infested vermin have grown hair, opened their eyes, and turned into a circus of adorable little baby hamsters. Oddly, although both parents are black bear hamsters we've gotten a couple of white ones in the litter. At first I thought that they were albino, but as you can see in the picture I have posted they've got deep black eyes. Weird. We've decided to keep the honkies and name them Polar Bear and Sitka although how we plan on telling them apart is something we haven't decided. I wanted to cut off one of their ears, but Amy wouldn't let me. Crybaby.
The proud daddy who, as it turned out, was getting beaten up not because the other hamster was a bitch, but because he is a rapist, has gotten a new home by himself. I love our rodent grandchildren, but have no intention of letting the horny little bastard make more. Also, because I know you're curious, yes... his hamster balls have stayed out since they were discovered. We've even given him a new name... Teabags.
So now we have two cages and fifteen hamsters. At least this gives me the excuse to get that snake I've always wanted.
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters |
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THE CRAP FACTORY |
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THE CRAP SHOPPE |
Sees ya's.
Tuesday August 14, 2007
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AN OPEN
LETTER
QUICK JOKE
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Little Johnny comes running to his mother yelling ” A SHRIMP, A SHRIMP MOMMY I SEEN A SHRIMP!”
Confused she looks at her son and asked “What in
the hell are you talking about Johnny”. Johnny says ” I seen a shrimp in
grandma’s room, come here I'll show you”.
So the two go into grandma’s room to find grandma sleeping butt-ass naked with
her legs spread wide. Little Johnny points at his grandmother’s vagina and says
” There it is mommy the shrimp i was talking about”.
Surprised Little Johnny’s mother says ” Oh my god
no, no Little Johnny that is not a shrimp. We adults call that a clitoris”
“A clitoris?” Johnny says, ” Well it taste like shrimp to me!!”
QUICK JOKE II
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire
lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," said the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
QUICK JOKE III
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood
that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner,
I Stumbled
onto the Crap Factory's Disney page, and had one that I wanted to add. |
Dear Julianne McCarville,
You actually watched the Aristocats? All the way through? Fuck, you need a medal!
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
BACK FROM OUTER SPACE
Deal with it, bitches, aside from the crap on the main page there is no update this week. I've been gone all week, I've been working like mad on moving my grandmother out of her house, and a light update is just something you're going to have to deal with. Put on your big girl panties and wait until next week.
I did manage to steal away one day this week and escape to Schlitterbahn. In case you've never heard of the place, it was voted the best water park in the world and, let me tell you, coming from someone who actually hates water parks, it deserves the distinction. The place is huge, it's shaded, it's beautiful, and let me tells ya: if you ever get the chance to go, do it. Don't go to the one on Galveston Island or South Padre because those are cheap imitators. Go to the one in New Braunfels, Texas.
Anyway,
I've been going to this place since I was at least ten years old and I
love it. I'll probably take my kids there and their kids as well.
The thing is that as I get older I'm noticing things about Schlitterbahn
(and theme parks in general) that I just never noticed before.
Example: has anyone noticed that these places seem to be Meccas for ugly people? Speaking as a rather homely individual myself I have a wide wide wiiiiiiide range for beauty so you have to understand that when I say the word "ugly" I mean ugly in a medical accident kind of way. I mean ugly as is strange tumors growing from skin and facial features that would be exhibited in a Barnum and Bailey sideshow.
What's worse is that these ugly people who flock to these parks seem to think it's okay to put on as few clothes as possible. Me, being a somewhat unattractive man myself, I do others the courtesy of at least throwing a shirt over my lumpy Chewbacca-esque chest and back. I kid you not, there was a woman standing in line in front of me with a huge ass and enough crack showing that I could have probably put my leg down it without her knowing.
Which brings me to my next point: when the fuck did it become okay for guys to show ass cleavage? I don't mean fat guys who can barely pour themselves into a swimsuit, I mean your common average everyday Joe showing the place where the good lord split him like it's a pair of knockers or something.
And it's not just the men... young boys are doing this shit too! I watched one of those Dateline "To Catch a Predator" Shows the night before I went to Schlitterbahn and thought... wow, with all of this young ass, this would me a pedophile's wet dream come true.
Maybe I am getting out of touch with fashion, but back in my day showing that much ass was called mooning someone.
Monday August 19, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
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There was an old man sitting on his porch watching
the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the
house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on
board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”
The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left.
A little while later, the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue
boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.
An hour later, the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached
the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save me.” So the boat
left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven. When he sees God he asks him,
“Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!”
QUICK JOKE II
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"......Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! He was directing them to ME! I can't stay here with that language! You've got to come for me. I want to come back home! PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother"
QUICK JOKE III
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird.”
“Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t
see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t
you?”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford
that.”
“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!”
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,”
and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you
this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie.”
“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
“NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”
“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over….”
Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner,
What's your
favorite card game? |
Dear Mr. Right,
I hate cards. You ever watch that World Poker Tour thing on TV? It's like watching gnats fuck.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
A SMALL MEDICAL CONDITION
It's amazing when you see the ending of Summer as a time you can finally sit down and concentrate on the things you enjoy. I go back to work today and I couldn't be happier... finally the never-ending circus that has been my life for the last few months is over and a little structure is returning to the world of Donner.
As a result, yes children, I can spend more time on the website and not only that, I'm finally ready to clean this place up. No longer will it be a festering cespool of filth, but rather a bastion of good taste and sophisticated stories of everyday life starting... NOW!
So I'm taking a shit the other day... sitting down playing with my Nintendo DS in the bathroom - and no, "Nintendo DS" is not my pet name for my penis. I call that my "Wii". Anyway, this is usually my nightly ritual before I go to bed because if I don't I'll just bust ass all night and may even crap myself. I'd rather not take that chance.
Anyway, I get all finished and turn around to admire my work when I notice something that shouldn't be there... blood! Not kidding kids, it looked like I had pooped out a liter jar of cranberry juice into the toilet.
Now I'm a level headed person so the first thing that comes to my mind is... cancer! Oh shit, I've got cancer! Not the nice kind of cancer like Leukemia or lung cancer, I've got bloody ass cancer! I'm going to die of ass cancer!
It's not really the dying that I mind, but rather what I will be dying from. You see, I've been a radio DJ, a television personality, beloved website master, world record holder, and teacher of young minds and none of that would matter for I would only be remembered as that poor guy who died of blood-squirting ass cancer.
So, with my pants around my ankles I call for my wife, "Honey, come here and take a look at this!"
The reply I got back was, "Oh no, I'm not falling for that again."
Goddamn. "Honey, this is serious!"
"That's what you said last time, you nasty bastard!"
Great, I'm dying of bloody ass cancer and she's making light of it. What a bitch! "Honey, for God's sake I think I have ass cancer!"
"Is this like the time you thought you had an ovarian cyst?"
"Will you just get in here and look at this!?"
She sighs and looks into the toilet with disgusted disinterest. "That's a lot of blood," she says.
I'm still standing there with my pants around my ankles. "You think I need a doctor?"
"Well, you are bleeding like you've been anally raped," she said, "But I think you've just got a hemorrhoid."
"A hemorrhoid?" I said as though tasting the shitty sweetness of the word in my mouth. "That thing where they grab your balls and tell you to cough?"
"That's a hernia," she said and then proceeded to explain what a hemorrhoid was using sock puppets and internet video.
So I don't have ass cancer, but I do have an old man ailment. Hemorrhoids. For fuck's sake, I wasn't supposed to get those until I was 40 or something and by then I reckoned I would have so many heart problems it wouldn't matter anyway.
Well, with a little medicine application (a journey I would personally not want to go on) my little problem has cleared up. No more bleeding out of the ass, but I'm sure that it's down there like Vesuvius just waiting to erupt again.
...
Maybe I'm sharing a little too much with you people.
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THE ARCADE Four new games are up and one of them is a gas! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY |
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THE AVATAR GALLERY |
Until next time, I and my hemorrhoid thank you for your patronage.
Monday August 27, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he
would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before
the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I
had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a recreational area."
QUICK JOKE II
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz
saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I
can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?
It's the 21st century. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like
new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up.""
QUICK JOKE III
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason
for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage
as best she could."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner, |
Dear Jon,
42.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
IT'S TOO LATE FOR THIS CRAP
All right, kiddos, it's midnight, I'm tired, and I've got to wake up early in the morning to try and teach the inner city youth of America.
So, I'm just going to make this short and sweet...
Why am I still playing The Sims 2 on my DS? There's no fucking point to this game!
That is all.
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP It's been too long but now it's back... and it's Superbad!!! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS |
Good night.