The Slightly Warped Website

Three moles were tunneling away when the first mole remarked, "I smell carrots. How about you?"

"I smell turnips," said the second mole. "What do you smell?"

"Molasses," answered the third, and kept on digging.

QUICK JOKE II

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!" grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."

QUICK JOKE III

A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical s/he says, "You can get dressed now-- your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."

When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health--I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."

The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that--you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Donner,

OOOO! OOOO! Can you post on your site that Mariann Lovett is a bitch? It'd really help me out!

~Monica

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

It's been another great week for embarrassing sex scandals in Washington and the papers, news programs, and late night comedians are all over homophobe senator Larry Craig and his getting busted in a men's room for allegedly trying to pick up a man for sex.

Now, I am not about to excuse this man's behavior or the hateful rhetoric he's spewed over the years. After all, while he was out cruising for dick all of these years and enjoying the sweet salty taste of semen, he's been consistently campaigning against gay rights, he's denied them the right to get married, and had the gall to call Bill Clinton a dirty man all while he was pounding as much ass as he could behind closed doors. I am not about to defend that kind of hypocrisy or that kind of behavior. How could I?

But here is what I am not going to do. I am not going to dance on this man's political grave. Sure, any day that a socialist conservative leaves an office is a great day in my book, but I don't feel joy over this... I feel pity. A deep a gut-wrenching pity for this man.

I've long been an advocate for gay rights and the right of people to marry any consenting adult of their choosing regardless of sex or race so you'd think that I would loathe a man like Larry Craig and, before his arrest, I would have. But now I just feel sorry for him.

After all, Larry Craig did not invent the environment of hate that prevails our society today... like most of us (myself included) this was something we inherited from our mothers and fathers and from our grandmothers and grandfathers. Some of us overcome this cultural programming while others don't. It becomes ingrained like an infection, a black-oozing tumor pulsating and growing in our hearts.

Lets face it if these allegations are true (and they most likely are) Larry Craig has been gay for a long time. He was born that way just as other species on God's Earth are from monkeys to seagulls. It's all part of nature's plan. It's perfectly natural and yet this poor man has lived his entire life as a lie. He has taken a wife, had children, and fought for years against the very lifestyle he was meant to live all because of that infection seeded into his heart all those years ago.

Who knows... perhaps the Larry Craig of some alternate reality is a happily married gay man crusading for the rights of homosexuals on Capital Hill. Perhaps it was the life he was always meant to have, but here in the reality of today, Larry Craig is a humiliated man with no political future, a shattered family life, and a living joke to everyone who feels the need to pick him apart.

All because of hate and humiliation in being the person you were born to be. It's time that we drop this crap about homosexuality being a "choice" and accept the fact that it's just the way God makes people. You want to quote me the Bible, that's fine... I hope you're not wearing a garment made of two different fabrics, because according to the good book on the same page it says that gay people are an abomination, I can stone you for that.

All I'm saying is that it's a sad situation. I'm not excusing Larry Craig for what he's done or the positions he has taken, but it's never a good thing to see a life so totally destroyed. He does not have my respect, but he has my pity and my wishes that in some way and some form he does find himself some happiness for after all, life is not long enough to live a lie.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple!"

QUICK JOKE II

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

QUICK JOKE III

A Catholic Priest dies and goes to heaven. When God asks him what he would like to do, the priest, a very devout man, asks to read the original copy of the Bible.

"I know," says the priest, "that the Bible is the word of God, but it has been handled by the fallible hand of man for generations. It has been translated, retranslated, altered, edited, defiled, and changed numerous times. I would just like to see what the original Bible says."

So God gave the priest the original copy of the Bible but, of course, it was not printed in English. The priest spent the next few centuries learning Aramaic and other dead languages until he was a linguistic master. Then, with the original Bible in hand, he goes to heaven's library and begins to read solidly for the next week.

At the end of the week God is taking a walk and he sees the priest on a bench bent over the book and crying his eyes out muttering over and over again, "An "R!" They left out an "R!"

God sits down on the bench next to the priest and tries to comfort him and asks what they problem is.

Through he tears the priest says, "They left out the "R!" The word was CELEBRATE!!!"

Dear Donner,

Hi Hi Hi.... to all you ghostseekers... I believe in em.. all of em.. what about you??

~Lisa

I believe that something my grandfather once said sums up my entire attitude about the ghost situation. I believe all of what I know, half of what I see, and nothing that I hear. To put it in a serious way (something rare for my letter's column, I know), I've had a string of experiences through my life that makes me know that there is more to this world that what we see, but I'm not so naive to believe every cock and bull story that comes my way, either.

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

My wife loves The Biggest Loser. Personally, I can't stand the show because it depresses the fuck out of me. Not because I'm fat, but because I'm fat and I never get motivated enough to do a damned thing about it.

Then this show comes on and you've got a guy who weighs well over 400 pounds (a milestone I have yet to reach, thank you) and within nine months, he's down to less than two hundred and looks awesome. Meanwhile, I'm there on the couch eating a bag of Doritos feeling like a worthless sack of crap knowing that I'm getting fatter with each delicious chip that passes between my lips.

So, after listening to me whine of a few hours about being fat and lazy and out of shape, my wife had enough and enrolled us at 24 Hour Fitness. Now, this is going to cost us about 40 bucks a month and the old broad is so cheap that she will make me use my membership so who knows, maybe this is the beginning of a new and slimmer me. More likely, this is the beginning of a still fat and broker me.

Also, I was contacted this week about advertising gay porn on this website. I have no idea why, but what I do know is that it's goddamned hilarious.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS".

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

QUICK JOKE II

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

QUICK JOKE III

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)

Dear Donner,

...did you all see the demon lizard morphing girl on youtube?? They tried to debunk that footage but could not?! GO and check that out and let me know what you think..

~Lisa

I would but I don't know where it is. I've tried searching under "lizard girl", "demon lizard girl", and "Demon morphing lizard girl" and all I get are videos of Ann Coulter!

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

Working at an inner city school trying hard to get our name off the unacceptable list is a lot of work. I'm up at the school upwards of twelve hours a day now tutoring and the like trying to teach kids how to take a goddamned test that will be obsolete in three years anyway. All so this school... one of the only safe places for these kids to go all day... won't get shut down and boarded up another victim of that No Child Left Behind horseshit that's been defecated down our throats.

Needless to say, I'm a busy little monkey and to do any work on the website at all requires me now to stay up into the wee hours of the morning. This sucks frog balls because now the site is finally starting to take off and become the place I've wanted it to be for over eleven years. Finally, it's doing it. It's getting upwards of 10,000 page impressions a day, the ad revenue is picking up, and the site is gaining in popularity... all while I have precious little time to work on it. Oy vey!

What's going on with Justice Squad? I won't lie to you, kiddies, I've dropped the ball on this one. Call it a lack of time, call it fear of writing the last few episodes and having them suck... I've just neglected the entire affair when I shouldn't have. And so, the final episodes of season five will start to premiere (according to plan, at least) on the website on October 1st, 2007 starting with a new episode called "The League of Ordinary Gentlemen" and going all the way until the end.

What's going on with LOLA? An even bigger clusterfuck, I assure you. Jesse and I have been writing this monster off and on for over an entire year now and we just can't make it come together. I'm not saying that it won't ever happen, but I just don't know when. Stay tuned.

When can we expect another LOL movie? I may do one this weekend... I'm thinking something like Star Wars or Batman. We'll see. If I don't do one this weekend, it's going to be a long time off which sucks because the LOL version of Star Trek First Contact is becoming somewhat legendary on the net right now.

How much weight have you lost? Not that it's any of your business, but... seven pounds.

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."

"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."

"It relaxes me."

"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician.

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."

QUICK JOKE II

A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo one day when he noticed two men at the side of the road eating grass. He told the driver to pull over and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first man.

"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.

"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man said.

"Bring them along," replied the lawyer. "And what about you?" he asked, turning to the other man.

"I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered, with his head hung low.

"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families climbed into his limo and stared at him with gratitude.

"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

"No problem," the lawyer replied. "The grass at my house is almost a foot tall!"

QUICK JOKE III

It's April first and a guy is sitting in the hospital waiting for his wife to have their child. The nurse comes out and tells the man there have been some complications and it will take longer than expected.

Five hours later the nurse comes out holding his baby. He gets up and exclaims "Can I hold my child?" When he is just reaching for the baby the nurse grabs the kid by the leg and starts swinging him around the room; smashing his bloodied body on the floor. She then rips off his arm and procedes to beat the childs face into a twisted bloody pulp. Then she slams the baby in the door until his body is almost cut in half.

The man runs over and shouts, "What the fuck are you doing to my baby!"

The nurse simply says, "April fools it was already dead."

Dear Donner,

u tuk my name lol

~Liam Smith

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

Ever feel like you're the only person in a crowded room and you're screaming and screaming for people's attention and no one looks at you? I don't mean that you're screaming about something like "look at my new tie! Isn't it rad!?" but I mean screaming about something really, really important like a fire and people just go on drinking sherries and talking about the new episode of Two and a Half Men as flames lick their ass.

This has been my world ever since September 11th (the recent one, not the bad one) when a new video of Osama bin Laden was released and was played distastefully on every media outlet in America on the anniversary of the bad September 11th. Well, I've been screaming and screaming ever since - not in terror but hoping to spread a seed of common goddamned sense that everyone in the country seems to be lacking right now. You want to know what I'm screaming about? Fine, I'll tell you but I don't want a bunch of hate mail afterwards. You did ask for it, after all.

This is what's I'm screaming: THIS IS NOT OSAMA BIN FUCKING LAMA!!! IT'S NOT HIM! IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM! FUCK BEANS, ARE YOU ALL FUCKING RETARDS!?

Feels good to say it, doesn't it? I mean, seriously, have you even looked at the video? Have you taken a couple of minutes and really looked at it? Fellow citizens of the US of A, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain for the man behind the curtain has done nothing but cast a body double in the role of the world's most infamous terrorist.

Seriously, though, it's not him. I'm not fooled and I am mortified, bewildered, and outraged that no one else has said the same thing I'm saying to you now. I mean, look at him! Osama bin Laden (even on the off chance that he is actually still alive which I don't think he is) is on fucking dialysis! Dialysis! Have you ever seen what this does to a person? I'll give you a hint: it does not make you better looking! Seriously, the "Osama" in the video looks nothing like that goat-fucking bastard at all!

Now I know what you're saying, "Der, but he's being taken care of in a secret hospital and so he looks better! DEEEERRPPP!" Nice try, oh watcher of FOX News and other propaganda, but unless this miraculous secret hospital that can do things that a well-stocked normal hospital can't also includes a brilliant facial reconstruction and nose surgeon, I'm not going to bite. Simply put, you can get healthier, you can put on a few pounds, and dye your beard (even if, I believe, that is forbidden by Muslim customs) that's fine, but you cannot absolutely cannot get your nose to nose to grow wider and grow your eye sockets further apart and I don't care how big of a devout leader of Allah you are or how many times a day you pray. If that was possible, I would be thinner and better looking and believe me, God will grant my prayer over the prayer of a mass murderer... at least I think he would.

And, of course, shall I point out that the new video of this quote/unquote "Osama" is soft, blurry, and grainy? Sure, it was probably shot at a secret location out in the desert or something but why make it look so bad when all the other Al Qaeda videos are so clear and crisp? Why not show this new and improved-health Osama in all his high-resolution glory? Could it be that you don't want people to take too close of a look? Could it be that this isn't the real Osama bin Laden? Could it be that Al Qaeda is just looking to bolster support saying, "Oh hey, look! Osama's not really dead! Not at all! I mean, sure... he was... er, I mean is a megalomaniac who would take videos of himself all the time back before is was killed... er, I mean since he went into hiding and hasn't had a video of himself in years, but doesn't this blurry guy with a fake beard look like him a little?"

Sorry, I'm not an idiot and I'm not convinced. So, why does it seem like every news organization is? Isn't this the kind of sloppy fact-checking shit that led to the downfall of Dan Rather?

Sure it is, but then again all news in the USA nowadays is nothing more than propaganda for the traitor George W. Bush anyway and what better way of keeping people from noticing how badly you're fucking them, the troops, the environment, and the entire world in the bleeding orifice that used to be our collective asshole than by dragging out the boogeyman and parading him on the streets on the anniversary of the day we were suckerpunched by him? What better way of keeping people scared? What better way to make the sheep stay in line? What better way to maintain your secrecy? What better way to cover your own ass?

So, yeah, I'm mad and ashamed of Americans in general right now who lack the brass tacks to step up and question this obvious fake. Get a cue, oh country of mine whom I love but just want to smack across the face, you've all been duped both by a bunch of coward hiding in the sand and by your own government. This is not Osama bin Laden!

I will keep screaming until I am heard... until people exercise the right to question and demand answers.

I demand accountability, I demand honesty, I demand the country we had eight years ago.

For the sake of generations past who gave their lives for my freedom and generations to come who haven't enjoyed them, I will scream to make sure they will.