ARCHIVE

Wednesday, April 3, 2008

ON THE TOILET FOR TWO YEARS! An unbelievably horrible story about a woman who sat on the can for two years before her boyfriend finally decided to get help. SUPER MARIO ON 11 STING BASS Jean Baudin tears up an amazing bass guitar with the Super Mario Bros. theme song. RAY CHARLES SPEED PAINTING This amazing artist draws an incredible portrait of a musical great in five minutes. PUPPY vs. ROBOT The epic and adorable struggle of canine and computerized war! THE 1970 PINTO The car known to burst into flames in rear-end accidents is advertised in a demolition derby!  The date of arrival is appropriate as well. WHAT OLD PEOPLE DO FOR FUN I think this is disgraceful!  I mean, really... who is actually letting these old people drive! MARILYN MANSON IN SIGN A sign language interpretation of Marilyn Manson's "This Is The New Shit."  This guy's pretty good. KENNY GOES ON A TRIP Kenny gets stoned and visits the Heavy Metal-verse from the latest South Park episode. THE JEDI HUNTER Boba Fett gets his own TV show! HILLARY DIDN'T LIE!!! We've got the exclusive footage of her life and death plight in Bosnia! THE GUMMI SONG Cute, funny, and scary as hell!  It's the Gummi Song! DUMB LUCK People getting the right answers on game shows despite their unbelievable lack of intelligence.

QUICK JOKE #1

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically.

"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

QUICK JOKE #2

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

QUICK JOKE #3

A young man is walking through his apartment lobby when he bumps into a gorgeous woman wearing a very loosely tied robe.

She begins flirting with him, and after a minute she places her hand on his chest and says, “Let’s go to my place. I hear someone coming.”

He follows her into her apartment, and once inside she immediately slips off her robe.

“Tell me,” she purrs, “what do you think is my best feature?”

“Um, I guess that would be your ears,” he replies nervously.

“My ears?” she says. “How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?”

“Well,” he stammers, “back in the hall when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

QUICK JOKE #4

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”

The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”

“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

QUICK JOKE #5

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner! 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Reese,

The thought of your unshaven armpits and arm flaps thrusting to and fro while you angrily wrote this letter totally just gave me a boner.  I'm going to go rub one off and think of you and your flannel and Birkenstocks.  Thanks, baby.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

APRIL FOOLS!

In case you missed it, here is what we did for April Fools Day.

HILLARY IS ROCKY

So I'm sure you've heard that Hillary is comparing herself to Rocky saying that Rocky didn't stop when he was half-way up the steps of the courthouse; he went all the way and didn't give up.  I have to say that I admire this broad's spirit and everything, but I don't think that she's ever seen Rocky because if she did, she would know that Rocky lost... to a black guy.

AMERICAN IDOL BLOG VII: A NEW BLOG

Broke White – “Jolene”

The best I can say about this artist, who I usually enjoy, is that it was bland, pitchy, and wholly forgettable. It wasn’t the Brook that I know and love by a long shot – this was some generic android that wasn’t programmed with emotion. Terrible.

David Cock – “Little Sparrow”

Well, his voice sounded good but the song wasn’t that great. I found it very bland and repetitive – thankfully, David sounded awesome as he showed off his vocal range and showed that he wasn’t a one trick pony at all. I just really didn’t like the song.

Rubella Lullaby – “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”

I don’t get it. Did Rubella run stadium steps before she got on stage? Was she having an asthma attack? The poor chica sounded like she was out of breath… almost as if she had just seen me in my raw naked majesty and had had the very air stolen from her lungs as she gazed upon my phallus of biblical proportions. This was weak, it was boring, and… pretty much everything I expect from this rapidly falling star. You know it’s bad when I start missing Suckiezie.

Jason Castrated – “Just Traveling On”

Although he didn’t have the strongest vocal of the night, Jason’s the only one who managed to have the brainpower to pick a song that was perfect for him and, although he seemed strained at times, he probably just delivered the best song of the night.

Barely Smithson – “Here You Come Again”

The vocals were pretty good, but the song was atrociously boring and a celebration of boringness and took what should have been the best song of the night and turned it into a ho-hum that’s-nice performance. Good, not great.

David Barfuletta – “Smoky Mountain Memories”

All right, I’ll admit it. I actually somewhat enjoyed this song from the FOX prostitute. It wasn’t my favorite of the night and I did feel that he oversang the song a but, but I’ve got to hand it to the little sperm squirt. He did good.

Kristie Lee Croak – “My Coat of Many Colors”

I thought that tonight would be this broad’s night given all the backwards hillrat music that would no doubt be vomited upon the audience and shockingly – or should I say unsurprisingly – she came off as hokey and unappealing. She won’t be going home tonight, but I guess I shouldn’t have expected so much from someone so consistently disappointing.

Shyesha Retardo – “I Will Always Love You”

I have to confess. When I heard that she was doing this song, I threw up in my mouth a little but, lo and behold, it was not terrible. It wasn’t spectacular, but I did enjoy the twists that she put on this overplayed song, breathing some much-needed life into it. I’m not sure if anyone else could have handled it.

Michael Yawns – “It’s So Wrong But It’s So Right”

Wow, this was Michael’s best performance in forever. He’s finally managed to stop his downward slide into suckville and get back on the sexy highway, taking all of America for the ride before making sweet love to her… in the butt.

Best of the Night – It’s a tie between Jason Castro and Michael Johns. No one else seemed to get a grasp on their song all night. Hell, I’ll say Michael Johns.

Bottom Three: Easily, Rubella Lullaby and Kristy Lee Croak. The other bottom three contender is harder to pick out, but I think that Broke White has just bought herself a ticket on the looser train.

Who is going home: Rubella Lullaby.

Who should be going home: Rubella Lullaby.

I think the stars have finally aligned to get rid of this tuneless harpy and not a moment too soon..

	THE ARCADE A zombie game and a word game.  Both exercises in using and keeping your brains!
	THE CRAP FACTORY New curiosities including rice art, a two-legged dog, and a new take on an old instrument.

Out, bitches!

 

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

RIP CHARLESTON HESTON I think the guy was pretty much evil incarnate, but he was in one of the most famous scenes of all time and here it is. ACHMED THE DEAD TERRORIST Jeff Dunham introduced us to his new friend who seems a little hostile. UNSOLD SCI-FI PILOTS Weird television series that were not picked up by networks for strange and unknown reasons. STAR TREK IV - THE ALTERNATE ENDING The never before seen alternate ending to The Voyage Home!  Keep watching after the credits roll for the best part! THE BEST OF OLLIE WILLIAMS From Family Guy, the best of the Blacuweather forecast! THE BEST BUSH SPEECH EVER George W. Bush explains himself and his actions over the course of the last eight disastrous years. THE X-BOX MORON A guy steals an X-Box, taunts the guy he stole it from, and then becomes the victim of worldwide ire in a tale of Karma gone right. FOLK SONG WITH NO ANSWERS As performed by Dr. House himself, Mr. Hugh Laurie. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA TRAILER Don't have kittens!  This was IGN's April Fools Day joke! THE STAR WARS CANTEEN An animation of comedian Eddie Izzard talking about his idea of the Death Star canteen. BARACK OBAMA LIES TO CHILDREN The irony is that all these kids were fathered by Jeremiah Wright. HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY TRAILER The brand-new trailer for an undoubtedly kickass sequel.

QUICK JOKE #1

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, “Yeah,that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Irish guy, “but it happened to me sister!”

QUICK JOKE #2

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those speeding drivers!"

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster!" So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called the sheriff again and said, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The exasperated sheriff was happy to get rid of him: "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And indeed, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks later, the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house to see how the farmer had solved the problem. He couldn't miss the farmer's sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large letters were the bold words:

SLOW: NUDIST RESORT

QUICK JOKE #3

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool.

He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?”

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”

He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”

QUICK JOKE #4

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "No," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "No," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and he died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder…"

St. Peter said, "Very good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." 

QUICK JOKE #5

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.

“You don’t want to know,” answers the bartender.

A few beers later, the guy says, “Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey.”

“OK, I’ll show you,” says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender’s pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, “You want to try it?”

“Hell, yeah,” says the guy. “But don’t hit me that hard.” 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Jack,

I am pleased that you would think that long and hard about my long and hard member.  I would like to thank you for not getting the thought of my gigantic throbbing penis out of your head.  I am sorry, though, I cannot call it an "erection" because to me it sounds too much like a Japanese political process.  Would the term "wood" be more acceptable?

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

FUCK CHARLESTON HESTON

I'm sick and damned tired of hearing what a treasure Charleston Heston was.  He was an idiot who wanted to see loaded guns in every home in America.  He was a paranoid dipshit who himself was never the victim of a violent crime and yet, wanted to pass off his collection of firearms as normal.  He was a pampered spoiled actor who never set a single solitary goddamned foot in any section of the world where gun violence made life intolerable.

So fuck Charleston Heston.  Fuck him up his cold dead evil ass.  Fuck him and the paranoid lifestyle he promoted.  Guns for hunting and defense is one thing, but don't give me that "I keep ten loaded weapons in my home for protection" bullshut.

AMERICAN IDOL BLOG VIII: JASON TAKES BLOGHATTEN

Michael Yawns – “Dream On”

Overall, this was pretty good. Not great, not terrible, but pretty good. If I had to choose something to bitch about, it would be that Michael's song did not suit his voice and that he was struggling to fill some musical boots that was frankly too big for him and with the high-pitched falsetto, he took his performance into a whole new level of butt-lovin’ gaiety. I think he’ll survive this week, but his chances of survival will soon dwindle to nothing if he doesn’t kick it into gear and do something else astounding as he did last week.

Shyesha Retardo – “Believe”

Zzzzzzzz. This was probably the worst performance from Shyesha in weeks. This one disastrous rendition of a song that was ill-suited and too big for her has single-handedly destroyed all the foreword momentum that she has been enjoying over the last month. If anything, I would say that Shyesha sang Fantasia without emotion and without drive and paled miserably. The screeching at the end was ridiculous.

Jason Castrated – “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”

His chances have been faltering over the last few weeks and this was exactly what Mr. Castro needed to save himself. Once again, he’s a front-runner, he was smart, and chose wisely and knocked the ball out of the motherfucking park. This was amazing – it showed his personality, it was fun to listen to, beautiful in a way, and perhaps the best performance he has done to date. I make it no secret that this man has led me to discover my own pansexuality and once again, I am fantasizing about spooning him. He’s just so goddamned adorable!

Kristie Lee Croak – “I Did It Anyway”

I have to applaud Kristie for being the first robot to ever get on the American Idol stage, but this was just pitiful. It’s too bad that she failed to inject even a single cc of emotion into the song – I mean, I felt more coming from the back-up singers than I did for her. Shyesha should be kissing her skinny white *** for sucking worse than she did. The sad thing is, this is probably the best she’s sounded in a while.

David Cock – “Innocent”

I blame Kristie for this. She opened the floodgates and allowed 100,000 gallons of putrid raw suckage onto the stage that even affected David Cook. Jesus wept, this was awful! I am in extreme shock that it was as terrible as it was. It was pitchy, it was weird, and it sounded that he was imitating someone else – badly. Worst of Cook’s run; worst of the night. Oh, and “give back?” What a pandering cockmonster.

Barely Smithson – “The Show Must Go On”

I’ve never been terribly impressed with Carley. I have never hated her, but she’s always struck me as someone who got lost in the mix and flew under the radar. Tonight is no exception. I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it, I was not impressed, and I was not disappointing. I’m a little confused how the hell this song could be inspirational either. I mean, seriously… what the hell just happened?

David Barfuletta – “Angels”

Marilyn Monroe must be proud to see that her overly-breathy trademark way of speaking has translated so well in 2008. Then again, I suppose if she was “honored” by this song, she would be spinning in her grave at 10,000 rpms. The chorus was nice I suppose, but the rest of the song sounded like the pervert on the other end of the phone. I must add once again, that the pimping of this kid is getting disgusting and ridiculous. He is not that goddamned appealing! I wouldn’t buy his record and I can’t think of anyone else aside from eleven year olds that would either!

Broke White – “You’ve Got a Friend”

Brook lost so much of that personality that she’s shown in the past with this flat and boring performance that was frankly too old for her. I wanted to fall asleep. It was just so boring. What an awful night of suckery this has been.

Best of the night: Jason Castro. Easily the best of the night, he completely destroyed everyone else and then raped their grandmothers. To choose a second best would involve the task of picking the least terrible of the rest.

Bottom three: Shyesha has pretty much fucked herself for the night and Carley has finally appeared on the radar… only not on the side she wanted. Rounding out the worst of the week, we find Kristy Lee Cook. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised to see David Cook there, but I think his fan base won’t allow that.

Who should be going home: By all rights, Kristy Lee Cook should go. She should have been gone weeks ago.

Who will be going home: Pick a girl, there will be one less pair of tits on the stage next week and I’m afraid those knockers will belong to Carely Smithson.

	THE ARCADE A brand new skating game that you can live vicariously through!
	THE CRAP FACTORY You've been clamoring for it and offering all sorts of sexual favors and now your spinless begging has paid off... it's the new LOL MOVIE and this time, it's Star Wars: A New Hope!

Until next time, America (and everyone else, I suppose)

I AM CANADIAN William Shatner talks about who he is and where he comes from. GOLDEN EAGLE CATCHES A GOAT Jesus Christ!  This is amazing though probably not up your alley if you're an animal lover. IRAQ: SIX MONTHS AT A TIME Remember, kids, a vote for McCain is a vote for George W. Bush! CAPTAIN PLANET The good captain looses a little perspective in the grand scheme of things. STUPID GAME SHOW ANSWERS: TMI Those little moments when contestants reveal more than they should... or we wanted to hear. STAR JERKS It's not everyday that you run into a cartoon that rips off something you've written, but here it is. SULU SINGS COUNTRY George Takai sings for Secret Talents of the Stars!  I can't imagine why such find programming would be cancelled after one episode. THE GREAT MIGHTY POO From the little known game Conker's Bad Fur Day... quite possibly the greatest level boss of all time. NAKED GIRLFRIEND PICTURES What do you do if you find naked pictures of your friend's girlfriend on his computer? PINK: DEAR MR. PRESIDENT I can't believe I was moved by a song by Pink of all people, but there you go. WORST RAP BATTLE EVER A Daily news show at an Atlanta High School holds rap competitions during lunch. Hip Hop is dead. BAYWATCH: VOYAGER Hey, this might have helped bring the ratings up a little.

QUICK JOKE #1

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”

“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”

“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”

QUICK JOKE #2

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

QUICK JOKE #3

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital when during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my GOD!” said the lady. “That’s disgraceful, why is he doing that?”

The doctor that was leading the tour explained; “I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition in which the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they’ll explode and he will die within minutes.”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the lady.

In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was giving a male patient a blow job.

“OH my GOD!” said the lady, “How can that be justified?”

The doctor replied, “Same illness, better health plan.”

QUICK JOKE #4

A woman goes to her gynecologist for a routine exam. During the exam, the doctor remarks, “My, you have a big vagina…My, you have a big vagina.”

The woman becomes upset at this and tells the doctor that he didn’t need to say it twice. But the confused doctor replies that he only said it once.

Intrigued by what just happened, the woman goes home and stands over a mirror with her skirt pulled up. As she is checking herself out, her husband comes in and asks what she is doing.

“Just learning a new dance,” she replies.

“Well, you better be careful,” her husband says. “There’s a big hole in the floor.” 

QUICK JOKE #5

Two families move from Afghanistan to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family has become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, “Today I had a McDonalds breakfast, bought a case of Budweiser, and I’m about to pick my son up from football practice in my brand-new SUV. How about you?”

The second guy says, “Fuck off, terrorist.” 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Nikki,

I completely agree.  This website should be blocked at school because obviously, it's distracting you from basic grammar and English.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

MY WACKY NEIGHBORS

I've spent considerable effort since I moved into this neighborhood a year and a half ago to be a good neighbor.  My home was the first one built on the block so, in a sense, I have seniority here... I'm someone that people look up to.  I'm a good guy.

Want to know how good I am?  I have the Halloween Haunt for the neighborhood kids so they have a safe place to visit on Halloween and not get AIDs-laced needles in their candy.  I put up hundreds if not thousands of lights and set them to music every Christmas and then don't say a word when the neighbors take pictures on my lawn.  I try and find homes for the dogs that my neighbors don't want anymore.  I even went into a neighbors house armed only with a sword when the elderly woman who lived there thought someone had broken in.

I am both the neighbor you love and the one you don't want to fuck with.

What prompted this strange entry in my blog?  Read on, gentle reader, read on.

I come home after a long day of putting up with shit you parents don't think those bastard children of yours actually do to find a message on my answering machine.  It's Suit McShithead from the homeowners association - those cockgobblers I have to give three hundred dollars a year to to make sure the redneck family down the street don't park an RV in front of my house.  Apparently, there's been a complaint about me and I have to call this man back immediately.

Of course, I panic.  Shit, did they find the secret garden?  I thought it would be safe in the tool shed!

A quick fire later, I returned the call to see what the problem was.  Apparently, a neighbor complained... because I have birds in my yard.  You heard me... birds.  I have birds in the yard and I got the homeowner's association called on me.  Oh, the odious rebel that I am.

The thing is, I have a bird feeder that I keep outside a second story window to keep Evil Kitty and my other cats entertained.  If I don't entertain them, horrible things happen.  Well, a neighbor's deck got birdshit on it and now it's all my birdfeeder's fault.

So, being a good neighbor - and even though there's not a goddamned thing in the homeowner's code saying you can't have a birdfeeder - I took it down, but I did ask Cocky McCocksucker of the homeowners association to pass on a message for me to the asshats that snitched.

"Mr. Cavern-Ass," I said, "I hope that you will pass on my apologies to whomever it was that called this in.  I would never purposefully order my birds to defecate onto another man or woman's deck or cause any other means of inconvienence.  I will take the birdfeeder down but you see, I have a problem with the way this was handled.  I am an adult and all my neighbors are adults and, as adults, I think that we're all mature enough to handle instances like this between ourselves without tattling to the homeowners association.  I am not a scary man, I have never been convicted of a felony, and to this day I have only been involved in three fights - all of which have won, but that's beside the point.  The point is, Mr. Dickcunt Von Assdumpling, I am approachable.  I can be talked to and dealt with and would prefer that course of action be taken next time there is a disagreement.  Thank you and have a nice day."

Lets just say that day is coming soon because, even though I have taken down the birdfeeder, I am still feeding those feathery shit-machines by throwing feed on the ground.

Asshole neighbors... it's on.

AMERICAN IDOL BLOG IX: AND THE TEMPLE OF BLOG

Worst... Night... Ever!

David Barfuletta – “Believe”

Another night, another go around of FOX and the execs of this show plopping this kid on my dick and ordering him to grind away. Sufficed to say, I completely hated this performance. There was so little control in this little boy’s voice that to call it overly-breathy and warbly would be a compliment and yet, hey… apparently this shitstain was the best of the night. Go figure. Those of you with taste, please join me by the bar of the Anti-Archuletta movement. There will be pie and punch.

Barely Smithson – “I Can’t Live Without You”

Boring, dull, and perfectly safe. Let’s be honest here, kiddos, Barely should have gone last week. I know it, you know it, the American public knows it, and Carely knows it and apparently it’s scared her shitless to sing something this vanilla and boring. It wasn’t challenging at all. Zzzzzzz.

Shyesha Retardo – “Vanishing”

Now this is more like it. Shyesha’s been hanging by a very thin thread shaped like a noose and, while this performance wasn’t world-changing, I have to admit that I liked it. This was a song that was challenging and completely the opposite of the cowardly performance Carely phoned in.

Broke White – “Hero”

Wow, this was boring. The entire performance was pitchy and… I just have no other word for it, it was boring. It as inconsequential, forgettable, and… boring!!! All I can really do at this point is just come up with synonyms for boring. Uh, uninteresting, tedious, mind-numbing, dull, dreary, tiresome, lackluster, and unexciting. If anything, all this did was highlight Brooke’s extreme lack of range and glaring vulnerability.

Kristie Lee Crap – “Forever”

By the Lords of Kobal! Is this Mariah Carrey Night or is it Bore the Goddamned Audience Night? I’ve pretty much decided that Kristie is a shitty contestant in a pretty shitty season, but Jesus… if this talentless harpy had a wardrobe malfunction and her titty knocked the microphone down, it would have still been extremely underwhelming. Terrible performance.

David Cock – “Always Be My Baby”

Apparently, it really is Bore the Goddamned Audience Night. There was nothing special about this performance and, like all those before it, it bored the absolute shit out of me. No kidding, children, I’ve ordered the wife to clean it up. Jesus Christ, and now they’re praising him! It was awful! This was a song that needed to be at a ten and Douchey McDouchebag kept it at a three. Awful, terrible, boring… Gods, will this night ever end? Don’t feel bad David, I feel like crying too.

Jason Castro – “I Wanna Cry”

Here we go… Jason picks the song that pretty much sums up my feelings of the night. I love this nappy looking bastard. He managed to sing the last song on the show and not completely suck. It wasn’t brilliant like last week and did suffer some pitch problems, but I dug it. Jesus, this is the worst season of American Idol ever.

Best of the Night: Jason Castro, though truthfully it was a matter of who sucked less.

Bottom Three: Brook White has revealed her painfully obvious Achilles heel, Carely Smithson reminded us exactly why she should have gone back to France or wherever the hell she came from, and Kristie Lee Cook was just Kristie Lee Cook and that’s all the explanation I need to give.

Who Should Go Home: David Archuletta just because I hate that motherfucker.

Who Will Go Home: Brook White. Her lack of versatility has finally bent her over and given her a good rape.

	THE ARCADE Check out the new game that challenges you to play 16 games at once!
	THE CRAP FACTORY Think the sun is the biggest thing in the Solar System?  Think again, pal!  Visit Curiosities for the scoop!

Fuck you 'till next time.

 

 

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

WHAT SETS BARACK APART... What is the difference between Hillary and Obama?  Barack gives us the lowdown on why he's the man. STAR TREK: LETHAL ATMOSPHERE Kirk and crew must survive when something mysterious starts to appear out of nowhere. BATMAN: GOTHAM KNIGHT SNEAK PEEK Batman + anime = awesomesauce. GUITAR HERO TRAFFIC Music is dangerous. POP STAR James at War skewers pop sensations in this Nickleback parody. DAVID BLAINE STREET MAGIC Watch as the famous magician blows the minds of two Los Angeles idiots. INSPECTOR GADGET What happened in the Gadget household when the cameras weren't rolling. ALANIS MORISSETTE TESTS THE CENSORS Alanis makes the best of being on the Oxygen Network. MICHAEL WINSLOW DOES STAR WARS The guy from Police Academy wows an audience by redoing the sound effects for Star Wars live. HILLARY CAN STILL WIN! How Hillary Clinton can still defeat Barack Obama and win the Democratic Nomination. CHARLIE THE UNICORN II Charlie is back... and he's bitter! TRAPPED IN AN ELEVATOR Time lapse of a man who was stuck in an elevator for almost two days.

QUICK JOKE #1

During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the Good Book.”

A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?”

Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, “Oh, here it is: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.’”

QUICK JOKE #2

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

“Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”

“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.

“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”

“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.

The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

QUICK JOKE #3

A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

QUICK JOKE #4

"What’s wrong with me, doc?" says the patient. "My balls have turned blue. You gotta help me."

The doctor examines him and concludes his testicles have to be removed or the man will die.

"Are you nuts?" the patient cries. "I can’t let you do that!"

"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks, and the patient glumly has his testicles removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient is back. "Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but now my penis has turned blue, too." The doctor examines him again but reaches his previous sad conclusion: If the patient wants to live, his penis has to go.

Now the man’s crying. "But how will I pee?"

"We’ll install a plastic pipe," says the doctor. "You don’t want to die, do you?"

The man has his penis removed and everything’s fine, but two weeks later he’s back at the doctor’s office. "Doc, the plastic pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"

"Well, I can’t quite figure it out," admits the doctor. "Wait–do you wear jeans?" 

QUICK JOKE #5

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

To which Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam. Should’a bought a hat.” 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Ryn,

If I just cut the middle man and send you a picture of my penis over e-mail, will the stalking stop or just get worse?

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

DONNER PRESENTS: MY LEAST FAVORITE RESTAURANTS or HOW TO GET FOOD POISONING WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

10. Denny's - Sweet lords of Kobal, this is a terrible place to eat. It's billed as "home town cooking" and, if your home town happens to be home to the world's biggest toxic waste dump, I could see where the comparison could be made. This food is awful! When it gets to your table, half of the plate is cold, any bread is already growing stale, and all of the juice is cooked out of anything that should be juicy. If you want pancakes, you might as well just resign yourself to the fact you're going to be eating rubber and syrup. Don't even get me started on the wait staff with the little brown pants - I do not need something tight enough to see dimples on the back of a fat woman's legs.

9. Chili's - Do me a favor. Go to Chili's and try ordering anything that's not hot or spicy. You want to know what you'll be eating? Could be cardboard for all you know. Could be chicken, beef, cat... who knows! The restaurant could not be more aptly named because it seems they use an overabundance of spices to hide the fact that their meat is decidedly subpar. Sure, Chili's has some good food, but overall... it's grade D meat at grade A prices.

8. Applebees - I actually prefer Applebees to Chili's, but that's like saying I prefer getting raped by a 7 inch dick as opposed to an 8 incher. The thing knocks Applebees down on the list is that the menu is so limited and unimaginative that if you want to try something new, forget it unless you happen to luck out with whatever overpriced special they happen to be running. The food is over-spiced, overpriced, and the service is uniformly terrible.

7. Hooters - Hooters is the ultimate way a restaurant distracts you from shitty food. Some use an overabundance of unnecessary spices, Hooters prefers to use a good pair of titties in your face. Sure, they are nice to look at but the entire experience of dining in a joint with dozens of bouncing chesticles all over the place is an incomplete one. The wings are disgustingly bland unless you order them cooked in a hot sauce and then it's so oversauced that any trace of flavor that might have been there is overpowered and destroyed. An absolutely terrible place to dine.

6. Ruby Tuesdays - I have never seen any one establishment charge so much for such unremarkable food. The atmosphere is generic, the food - while not vomitingly terrible - is not worthy of the incredible prices. This is just one restaurant that has its head so far up its own ass that is doesn't notice just how mediocre it is. This is one of those situations where you actually wish the place would overspice its food just so you would taste something.

5. Panda Express - I have eaten at this craphole four times and not a single time did I get a single sliver of panda meat in my order. The cashier looked at me as if I was crazy when I demanded it. Seriously, though, who's bright fucking idea was this restaurant? I mean, I love Chinese food, but even the sit down restaurants are a crap shoot. Who wants to eat hastily prepared sweet and sour anything from a drive-thru from teenagers and illegal Mexicans? Would it be too much trouble to put chicken in my order of sweet and sour chicken? Lots of pineapple... no meat. The last - and I do mean last - time I ate there, the fortune cookie was even smooshy. How big of an idiot do you have to be to fuck up a fortune cookie?

4. Churches Chicken - I know this is probably going to shock a great many of you, but I've had Popeye's, I've had KFC, and I've had Chik-fill-A and out of all of them, the hands down most horrible fried chicken I've had has come from this establishment. I've even gone back to this place twice thinking, "Hey, maybe it was an off day for them!" only to be made sick by the chicken that didn't taste quite right. I'm not saying that it was bad - even though it was - but it tasted like there was an extra ingredient in the oil that didn't belong that was almost mediciney in taste. Needless to say, I haven't darkened their doorstep again.

3. Arby's - I kid you not. I went to Arbys one time, ordered a strawberry milkshake, took a sip, and tasted roast beef water... and that was pretty much the highlight of anything I've ever ordered at this place. It sucks too, because the wife is a fan and I find myself at this beefy-smelling box of bile at least once a month. Plastic cheese, wet meat, overfried food... if they didn't have the chicken cordon bleu, I would starve. It's like finding a penny in a dirty diaper.

2. McDonalds - Hi, I'm a McDonald's customer! I'm in such a hurry to get to where I'm going, that I don't give a rat's ass about the rat ass that I am putting in my body. Who cares if McDonalds fought an FDA measure that made restaurants divulge the amount of horsemeat in their food? Who cares that the preservatives in the food are so pervasive that they will make your liver shut down? It's cheap and its quick! Jesus, there are few places in the world I absolutely refuse to eat at and this place, with its flat tasteless hamburgers and cardboard fries is one of them. Why Americans continue to stuff their maw at this shitty place is a mystery.

1. Chuck-E-Cheese - Sweet merciful Allah, you would think that a place with this many goddamn kids would at least have one of the followi