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Monday August 25, 2008
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QUICK JOKE #1
George Bush has a heart attack and dies(finally..). He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a
while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!" ”
QUICK JOKE(S) #2
A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the
table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the 'Chicken
Little' to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"
One little girl l raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy
Shit! A talking chicken!'"
A physician and her 4 year old daughter were in the car on the way to
preschool.
The doctor/mother had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her
little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the mother, "my daughter wants to follow
in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I
take your order?"
A mother was away one weekend at a business conference. During a break,
she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice
say "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the phone and ran outside screaming, "Dad! Dad!
They've got mom!! And they want money!!!"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two
boy kittens and two girl kittens."
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom."”
QUICK JOKE #3
Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system,
the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some
very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt
an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us
and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that
we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest
of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.
An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our
credit card bill?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay
our mortgage?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the the bank the check," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send payment for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest
hug in 40 years.
Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!"”
QUICK JOKE #4
A mother was sitting on the couch reading
a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why
is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your
head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she
replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM
POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
QUICK JOKE #5
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on
a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do
every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in
heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a
deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One
day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself
when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, Since the X-Files movie sucked so bad will you be including it in LOLA if you ever write it since we've been waiting FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????
~Sue |
Dear Sue,
I would say that we're almost done with the new LOLA, but the truth is that I haven't touched it since December. Neither Jesse nor I have the slightest idea where to take it and the Disaster, Epic, Date, and Spartan movies have pretty much given our brand of comedy a very bad name. However, I did see the new X-Files movie, it did suck, and yes... I am feeling inspired. I won't guarantee anything, but the inspiration is there.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.
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RUINING DISNEY MOVIES
I've been thinking about Disney movies lately because I got that kind of time and I finally realized just how insanely fucked up many of those movies are. Oh, I'm not talking about how they're raping culture and exploiting workers or whatever douche bags are whining about this week, I'm just talking about how if you really, really think about it... many of there movies are just messed up.
Don't believe me? All right, let's take my favorite movie of all time, The Lion King. I love this movie to pieces and so ruining it for you is not something I take lightly. Just keep that in mind.
I love this movie and in my eyes, it's damn near
flawless but there is something under the surface that mars this film. Something
sinister, evil, and sick.
How does a pride of lions work? There's tons of females and only one male,
right? Or if there is more than one male, only the Alpha Male is allowed to mate
with the females, frequently killing cubs that are not of his own seed. Already
this revelation has made Mufasa a murderer because you know Scar must have been
getting some play on the side, what with that suave accent and gigantic brain.
Mufasa must have killed all of Scar's offspring. It's no wonder that
asshole was so pissed off. I bet Mufasa even gave him his Scar; a quick
swipe of the paw and a gruff warning, "Stop fuckin' my bitches, brother!"
but that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm
getting at is this...
If you are to follow lion pack rules, where did Simba's sweetheart Nala come
from? There are three possibilities. One, she is Scar's daughter which can't be
because she is still alive and not a long petrified piece of lion shit on the
savanna. Two, she is a unknown male lion's father which also can't be because
she's still alive and not a desiccated carcass being devoured by vultures. So,
Nala, who's your daddy?
I'm your daddy, you filthy filthy whore.
So, what we have here is a severe case of inbreeding and, even if little Simba
wanted to jump out of the gene pool to greener pastures, he wouldn't have been
able to because his parents betrothed him to his sister!
That's just fucking gross! How long has this been going on? Are Mufasa and
Serabi brother and sister? It's amazing that these damn lions have only five
toes on each foot.
As it is, Simba eventually gives in to his pervert father's wishes and not only
has sex with his sister, but produces yet another inbred offspring who later on
marries and has sex with her cousin in the sequel.
The Lion King: Because if you can't love your family, who can you love?
It's not just those lions either... where did all the ants in A Bug's Life come from? One queen! They're all brothers and sister and so Flick and Atta are brother and sister! There haven't been romances this fucked up since Star Wars!
But wait there's more! Let's consider Pinocchio!
Oh, how we love the story of the little wooden boy
who becomes real, but once Pinocchio becomes a real boy what happens after that?
That's where the tragedy comes in.
You see, in my opinion, it was terribly irresponsible for the Blue Fairy to
grant Geppetto custody of this little boy. For one, it's a little weird to have
a little boy live with a single old man. Just saying.
Secondly, how old is Geppetto? At the least, he's got to be in his sixties and
Pinocchio is only created to be eight or nine. That means that the Blue Fairy
basically created Pinocchio to be an orphan as Geppetto will have only a few
more good years left in him before he dies as old men were prone to do at the
time.
What will happen to Pinocchio then? An orphanage? What will the sisters say when
he tells them that he was created out of wood and was turned into a real boy
through "ungodly" magic? T'will be the sanitarium after that, if he's not just
whipped and burned outright.
You might think that my prediction of gloom and doom might be a little
far-fetched, but think about the Pinocchio from Shrek? Know who's
missing? Geppetto!
Dear lord, please let my heart hold out until Pinocchio is old enough to take care of himself. Please don't let my mind go to Alzheimer's and please let my heart hold out until Pinocchio is old enough to take care of himself.
Let's look at the situation in 101 Dalmatians.
Pongo and Purty have ten puppies together which is fine and good. Hey, these
things happen and they are Dalmatians which means you could sell the pups for a
tidy profit which would come in handy if your husband is a terrible songwriter.
But then here comes Cruella DeVil and fucks everything up. Not really in the
fact that she wants to skin the puppies and make a coat of out them, but the
fact that she ends up - through no real fault of her own - dropping eighty-nine
puppies in these poor people's laps bringing the total number of dogs to 101
which would explain why the movie is titled 101 Dalmatians.
But here comes the horrible truth. Do you honestly believe that the owners
allowed Pongo and Purty to remain - shall we say - intact after this incident?
Hells no! You can be sure that Pongo was loaded into the car for a "ride" and
taken to have his nuts cut off. It would have been the only way, after all. I
mean, he is a horny bastard.
So, Pongo got a big family, but do you think it's worth his nuts? I imagine not
and I imagine that he bore quite a lot of bitterness towards his gigantic family
after this.
Oh, look what the vet sent us, Pongo! It's your balls!
Ten years we've been rusting, needing so much more than dusting...
I quote this song to illustrate my point about
Beauty and the Beast and the hidden perversion within. We've got all these
servants in the castle all turned into household objects by a magical spell
which really sucks because it was through no fault of their own.
Seriously, why did all these enchanted objects hang around with Beast? Would you
hang around with the spoiled brat who got you turned into a fireplace poker? I
wouldn't! Circus freak show, here I come!
But getting back to the horrible thought about this movie. The servants were
turned into enchanted furniture and appliances ten years ago which begs the
question... where did Chip and his brothers come from?
It's possible that Chip could be ten years old at the most, but he looks more
like he's seven or eight at the end. Does that mean he was born after the spell
was cast? Was Mrs. Potts getting a little candlewax in the ol' teahole if you
catch my drift? What does it look like when a teapot gets rogered by a clock?
Let's not forget that Mrs. Potts had an entire set of children, either. That
filthy whore!
Most people see the story of Mr. Incredible and
Elasti-Girl as some sort of superhero romance, but if you ask me it had to have
been a marriage of convenience.
Walk with me, children. Mr. Incredible, you see, is incredibly strong. He can
crunch a car without thinking about it, he can mount all kinds of destruction
just by doing the normal things that you and I do and, if you ask me, that
includes the act of making sweet sweet love.
I'm sure you're catching on... Mr. Incredible making love to a woman would be
like shooting her in the crotch with a machine gun and then blasting her between
the legs with a firehouse until her head exploded. It just wouldn't work without
killing the poor female and you can't tell me that Mr. Incredible can restrain
himself in the those of passion. I just can't see that happening.
So, after killing several women with his incredi-penis, Mr. Incredible probably
had to take an oath of celebacy to keep himself from murdering with sex again.
This is probably why he took up crime-fighting as a way to make up for all the
death and destruction his dick caused.
Then he met Elasti-Girl. She was beautiful, had a nice personality, and best of
all... Mr. Incredible couldn't kill her with an erection. I'm sure there is a
spark of love in there somewhere at first, but you know that the entire time
that Mr. Incredible was courting her, all he could think about was, "Holy shit!
I can totally fuck this broad!" That's all that was on his mind! Why else be
completely unconcerned about getting to your own wedding on time? He didn't care
about the ceremony, he was just waiting for the honeymoon!
And, my God, can you imagine what that night of sex must have looked like? Mr.
Incredible, releasing years of pent up frustration, probably took Elasti-Girl
and pounded the poop out of her and Elasti-Girl, able to bend and morph in any
position, probably made him scream like a banshee.
I'm sure he probably cried afterwards, begging forgiveness for all of the women
his libido murdered.
I wonder if Walt spins in his grave every time I think about this crap.
Monday August 18, 2008
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QUICK JOKE #1
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo
factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to
work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the
personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting
about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is
backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to
show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is
the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big
bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he
pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess
you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
QUICK JOKE #2
Osama bin Laden, feeling sickly and concerned about his mortality,
consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her
eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.”
“Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously.
“Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an
American holiday!”
QUICK JOKE #3
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the
occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and
after some minutes a stewardess approaches. “Can I get you anything,
sir?” she asks the man.
“Yes, I’ll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you.”
“And for you, sir?” she asks the parrot.
“A double whiskey and Coke, bitch, and make it quick, I’m fucking
thirsty!” demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot’s drink,
which he snatches without a word.
“Excuse me,” says the man, “but I ordered a coffee.”
“Did you, sir? I’m sorry, I'll get you one right away.”
As the stewardess turns to get the coffee, the parrot finishes his drink
and shouts: “I want another double whiskey and Coke, you stupid whore.
Quick, you fucking bitch, I can’t wait all night!”
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot’s drink and without the
coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any
service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
“Listen here you stupid skank,” he says to the stewardess, “I want my
fucking coffee and I want it now, you dumb slut!”
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two
enormous security guards, who drag the man and the parrot to the back of
the plane, open the door and throw them out.
As they hurtle toward ground, the parrot turns to the man and says,
“You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can’t fly, aren't you!”
QUICK JOKE #4
A mother and father took their 6-year-old
son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that
some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her
why.
The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person
is.” Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but
returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees”
than his dad.
His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”
Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets!”
QUICK JOKE #5
A New York family wants to put Grandpa in
a nursing home, but all the city’s facilities are full. So they decide
to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days,
they call him.
“How do you like it so far?” the grandson asks.
“It’s wonderful,” he says. “Let me tell you about the friendly residents
here.
“There’s a musician who hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, but
everyone still calls him Maestro.
“There’s a physician here who hasn’t practiced medicine for 25 years,
and they still call him Doc.
“And me, I haven’t had sex for over 30 years, yet everybody still calls
me the Fucking Yankee.”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, pls give a ghost picture beceuse i wont ghost pppplsss photos of ghost
~Jomar |
Dear Jomar,
You have failed in the simple art of communication. You are a worthless human being; kill yourself immediately.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.
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U PPL SUK
Most people seem confused by my venomous reaction to retards who write me letters with abbreviations like the letter "u" instead of "you." hopefully, this will help you understand my position.
Tap! Tap! Tap!
That's all it takes! Write the goddamned word out!
It's not like it's a long word and it's not like you're pressed to be anywhere,
I mean Christ! You're on the internet for fuck's sake! You have all
the time in the world! Newgrounds will still be there in the .25 seconds it
takes you to write Y-O-U. You obviously don't have a boyfriend or a
girlfriend! At least write the word out so you don't look pathetic and
retarded!
I'm not just talking about "you" either. Stop writing "pls" when you ask for
something. Stop writing "ppl" when you mean people! Stop using "luv" and "r" and
"ur" and using the number "4" in place of "for!"
You are not in a hurry, goddammit!
I know... "But it's cute!" WRONG! It's boring, pedantic, and only demonstrates
what a hollow-headed simpleton you are. The fact that you will allow laziness to
alter your written words is amazing. You should get a medal in the dumbfuck
Olympics.
I say this because I see this creeping into mainstream. I have students who turn
in exams and reports - important ones - with these inane and brainless
abbreviations on them. I am not amused and I'm getting pretty fucking sick of
it.
Your fingers move fast and your phones have text prediction. There's no sense in it anymore.
While I'm in a bitchy mood...
ATHEISTS CAN BE PRETTY FUCKING ANNOYING.
I'm not going to go into a gigantic religious
discussion because, to be frank, I don't give a shit what you believe and I'm
pretty sure you give less of a shit what I believe. I'm making this point to
some atheists that I have made to some fundamentalists in the past... I don't
give a shit what you believe.
You don't believe in God. Hey, good for you! Don't come and make your point in
an internet thread where someone is announcing the death of their mother or the
christening of their child! An
unsolicited opinion is never welcome and just because you think you've got the
universe figured out, doesn't give you an excuse to act like an indignant cunt.
If you don't let the fundies do it, what gives you the fucking right?
And don't give me the "oh, everyone hates us" stuff. Yeah, I know it's hard to
be an atheist, but many of you bring this on yourselves. You want to horn in on
conversations, expel your point of view, and then mock everyone who doesn't
agree with you. Superiority... if you were to encounter this in a spiritual
individual, he or she would be a mindless lemming. What does that make you?
I know lots of atheists and I love them, but many of you are over-opinionated
pious clits and you're not doing the movement any favors.
Besides, no one knows the nature of the universe and, spiritual or not, we're
all equally stupid.
Come to think of it, vegetarians and smokers piss me off too, but I think I've done enough complaining.
Get on with your life until next week.
Monday August 11, 2008
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QUICK JOKE #1
A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.
"I'm in love with my horse," he said.
"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."
"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."
"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"
"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!?"
QUICK JOKE #2
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics
of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know
what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them
truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
QUICK JOKE #3
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my
son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."
QUICK JOKE #4
A married woman is having an affair.
Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the
closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover
in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with
her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church
right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the
father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!
QUICK JOKE #5
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to
each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like
to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap,
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you
pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he
sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an
hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5.00, and goes back to sleep.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
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or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
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Dear Donner,
hey in the
second to last photo in the 2007 haunt there looks like ther is an actual
ghost...then again i could be wrong it could be a reflection but idk how
|
Dear Carmen,
Nope, that transparent and blurry bag of sexiness is me getting caught in a time-lapse exposure and, last time I checked, I wasn't dead yet.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.
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BACK HOME AND NO PLACE TO GO
A full 3,860 miles later, I am now back in the Donner abode rested, tanned, and about to be steamrolled by another school year and those fucking bastard children you send to be instructed in the arts I am an expert in. It would be cruel to expose you worshipping douchehats to the pictures I took while on vacation, so here they are:
The
first step on my journey was Roswell, New Mexico. I wouldn't exactly call
it a destination, more of a small stop. You know, like when you see a
horrible accident on the side of the road and you think, "Oh, shit! We've
got to take pictures of that!" I visited the UFO History Museum which I
will now place on my short list of places to avoid at all costs. It's not
that I don't buy in to the whole UFO or life on other planets hype, but if I
have to pay ten dollars to get into a place full of shit I can print off the
internet, I would just rather not.
So
we left and continued driving. Through the wastelands of New Mexico and
into Arizona where, amazingly enough, we witnessed a fucking tornado come out of
the clouds. It never touched down or caused any damage that we knew or
cared about, but still... fucking tornado. That's pretty awesome. It
at least cancelled out some of the Roswell suckage.
On to Winslow, Arizona or at least a few miles outside of Winslow where I visted something I wanted to see since the last time I was in Arizona. The last time I was here, I was with my family on a gigantic car trip to the Grand Canyon and, anytime my family is gathered, it turns into a dick convention where several dicks decide they don't want to do anything but drive without air-conditioning (because that's what dicks do). This time around, the only dick in the car was me and I wanted to visit... Meteor Crater!
Man, oh man... I was not disappointed. I have see some holes in my day, but this is probably the third or fourth biggest this month. In all seriousness, I loved it. I've always wanted to see it, and that's one more thing off my bucket list.
On
to Hoover Dam. You never get a great enough appreciation for this monster
until you try and get a picture of the whole thing and realize that it's fucking
impossible. The thing is amazingly humongous and a hell of a thing to get
a load of.
What amazed me the most was the government sanctioned gift shop where a talking robot dam working instructed guests to buy their dam shirts, dam souvenirs, and dam refreshments. When did the US government get a sense of humor?
The sickest thing was the Department of Homeland Security checkpoint before you reached the dam. Wow, let me tell you... that's taxpayer money put to good use where the security screening basically consists of checking to see if you're white or not.
Nice fascist Republican thinking there. Something else that steams me is that they are building a very large bridge over the dam so that cars will no longer drive on top of it. You may see it as progress, or keeping the bridge safe from non-white terrorism, but I see it as just another example of this nation shitting its pants in fear and loosing something precious. Driving over the dam is an amazing thing to do. Better do it before Bush takes away yet another freedom!
We ended up in Las Vegas and stayed a few days. Vegas is pretty cool, but they are really becoming to commercialized and sterile. Everything costs something now... even to go look at those goddamned white tigers of Siegfried and Roy! We stayed at Circus Circus and, let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to stay there just go ahead and toss yourself off a fucking cliff and pray to God that there are rocks at the bottom so you don't survive. The place is ghetto and old! What's worse is that everything... EVERYTHING on that side of the strip has been torn down. No more Westward Ho, no more Stardust, no more Wet N' Wild. It's all gone. Circus Circus is just out by itself and I am praying that they are about to tear that decaying monstrosity down and trap all of the ill-mannered jackasses who work there in the explosion.
The
reason I went to Las Vegas? I had to go say goodbye to The Star Trek
Experience. The Hilton wants the floor space for more slot machines and
this beloved nerd Mecca is shutting down on September 1st. I relived
Klingon Encounter, finally experienced Borg Invasion, I ate at Quarks, and even
sprang for the backstage tour and bridge pictures.
Let me tell you something, kids, when you're on a near-flawless reproduction of the Enterprise-D bridge and the tour guide says, "Feel free to look around," it's a nerdgasm. I sat in the Captain's chair, I played at the tactical station, I sat at the con, and then jizzed all over the view screen. It was spectacular and I've got a nice 8 by 10 picture of me sitting there on the Enterprise ready to be framed and hung above the fireplace.
There was more in Vegas which I will discuss later, but enjoy this video of The Bellagio Fountains which EVERYONE should see in real life.
We were going to drive to Yosemite, but the fires in that area killed that plan so we ended up driving to San Francisco where we had a great time until I got a call that my little dog, Zoe, had escaped from her dog sitter and was running free near a highway.
Zoe is five pounds wet and, even though it may be a little gay, she's my baby. In case you're wondering, she's the dog that was featured on that banner a few years ago where a dog was running on Mars saying, "Be afraid. Be very afraid." She's also in the title of The Great Link if you want to bear witness to her awesome cuteness.
Anyway, she was missing and I was over a thousand miles away and couldn't do anything. Minutes stretched into hours and I soon lost all hope. I went back to the hotel room and cried because my little baby was gone forever. Then I took three melatonin and tried to go to sleep.
The phone rang and midnight... THE LITTLE BITCH CAME BACK BY HERSELF!!! She dug back IN to the yard and was waiting by the dog sitter's back door for food. THAT FUCKING SLUT!!! I drifted to sleep with thoughts of my hands tightening around that little whore-dog's neck.
Still, San Francisco Aquarium... Golden Gate Bridge... Alcatraz... The Sea Lions... The Wharf... The Presidio... Three men giving me their hotel room keys. Not a bad visit.
Check out this video from the aquarium of anchovy schooling. It's awesome.
After San Fran, I went to San Jose to visit the Winchester Mystery House which, being somewhat of a paranormal enthusiast, is a place I've wanted to visit for a long time. It's worth a visit because it is a very strange and kooky house, but a word of advise... skip the "behind the scenes" tour. Completely not worth it. All you do is go into the basement which is really nothing special or unusual and the bird aviary which you see on the regular tour. Waste of money... just do the house tour.
From there, we drove to Hollywood which was a complete waste of time. We should have went around, but no... I wanted to see Hollywood Boulevard again and the Chinese Theater. Let me tell you something, kids, unless you're going to something called Universal Studios or Disneyland... just don't go to Hollywood. Just... don't.
We ended up at the La Brea Tar Pits and went to the museum there because... well, we're teachers and it was free. There's some pretty awesome stuff inside and, while it may be nerdy, I love museums.
After LA, we made a mad dash home. I was finally going to meet Jesse Glaspey in person, but we got in to his home town late and had to leave early and things just didn't jive. Plus, the wife was being a little assy and it's never fun to meet people when she's like that. Maybe next time, but at the rate we're going I'm going to end up meeting Liam in Australia before I meet Jesse in Arizona.
We got home and, when I went to pick up Zoe I was still pretty peeved. I walked into the house, she saw me coming and ran to me and then realized I wasn't happy. She cowed on the floor, picked up one foot, and whined. My heart melted. I reached down to pick her up and she pissed on herself.
I'm going to miss that dog.
