The Slightly Warped Website

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

QUICK JOKE #2

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

"Well," she replied, "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Donner,

how can you not like twilight? It is the best book ever. Have you read the other three? They are all awesome. The movie does not even cover half of it. The books rock though, give it another chance. and how can you say Edward is emo? He is not! he is a vampire, so he feels different and that's how is character acts in the books. I bet you have not even read the books. it was so good, and i bet that some of your students love the books but do not want to disappoint their teacher by saying so. I usually agree with your opinions but this I do not now at all!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Scarlett

Here's the thing, I have read Twilight. I've seen the movie. They both suck reguardless of whether I decide to read the other books or not, they are awful forms of entertainment that make me loose brain cells everytime I return to them. I don't like them because I'm not in the book or movie's target audience, I have an IQ of over 50, and I think it's kind of weird that a book written by a woman and a movie directed by a woman would take the position that a woman should be submissive to strong men.

As for my students, they love the book whether I hate it or not. We've had some very good discussions about the strengths and weaknesses of the story, and I will say that anything that makes this whiny, apathetic, and lazy generation pick up a book and actually read it isn't all bad.

So, yeah, enjoy your gay little story about your gay little emo vampire. When you turn 12 you'll outgrow it.

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

I'm doing an update a little sooner than usual because I am about to head to the snowy peaks of Colorado for a little Christmas R&R. I haven't decided if I'll do an update before New Year because taking a break from the site for a couple of weeks sounds really good right now.

So, yeah... This might be the last you hear from me until 2009. Take care, drink lots of eggnog, light a fire and if you see that fucking Grinch, kick him in his hairy shriveled testicles for me.

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

"Methodist," the man says.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"

"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."

QUICK JOKE #2

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.”

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes'.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 cents'.

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his dick into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender penis....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,

'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'

A Husband was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife. He started talking to the old man behind the counter and he explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. The Husband asked "Except what?" "Nothing, nothing." The Husband said, "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" The old man said, "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." The Husband said, "So what's this Voodoo Penis?"

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The Husband laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quietly once more. The Husband said, "I'll take it!"

He took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked; her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust from the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied "Yeah, right. Voodoo Penis, my ass."

What the fuck is a "ghoust?" Isn't that what you get when you eat too much red meat and your ankles swell up?

I always want to give something a chance before I declare it a mounding pile of shit and, after two months trying to read the first book and a painful night watching the retarded big screen version of that book, I think it's safe to declare Twilight a mounding pile of fecal matter. This is the most boring amateurish, shallow and poorly written best-seller I've ever read and I have read The DaVinci Code, dammit!

I admit, I was intrigued by the premise and when I see teenagers falling all over themselves to read a book, I take great interest. I bought a cheap paperback at Wal-Mart and delighted that I was about to read what was sure to be a great supernatural story, the kind of stuff that gets me wet and excited.

What did I get instead? It's like The Sisterhood of the Fucking Traveling Pants only more insipid. What's worse is that this book sucks so hard and so bad and so few people realize it!

First of all, let's take a look at our so-called heroine, Bella, who's supposed to be strong and independent and yet can't take eight steps without having a man come and save her ass.

Edward? Don't even get me started. Dark, mysterious... EMO! I mean, come on... "I love you, Bella but... I'm dangerous!" Fuck you, fangface.

I have to say, though, that I can't comment on the plot because even though I've read about a hundred and forty pages into the book, I don't think I've reached it yet. This is the worst professional writing I have ever seen in my years of reading and appreciating books. What do my students have to say when I bring it up? They agree and yet, they keep telling me it gets better.

Don't get me wrong, anything that gets this jaded and apathetic generation to read words on paper is great in my book, even if that book sucks ass but for me, I wish they would choose something of at least minimal quality other than boring girl and the bipolar vampire.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

QUICK JOKE #2

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.”

The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”

Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”

Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?”

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it.

A husband and wife were making love with the wife on top when their small son walked in on them. The mother deciding that she would need to explain what was going on to her son dismounted her husband and put on some cloths and went to find her son.

“Did you see what I was doing to your daddy?” she asked.

“Yes” replied the wee boy. “Why were you doing that?”

“Well,”, explains the mother, “your daddy has a big tummy and I was trying to flatten it for him”.

“Oh,” says the wee boy. “I think you’re wasting your time”.

“How so?” asks the mother.

“Well, while you go out shopping, the lady who lives next door comes in and blows it back up”.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car … and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I look down at him and say, “Well, then which one are you?”

… and that’s when the fight started.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘”Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don’t worry - just follow me.”

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.”

Three archeologists were out looking for artifacts when they were caught by an ancient tribal group. "You’ve been taking our ancestors artifacts for years and now we’ve caught you," the chief told them, "For your punishment we will give you two choices: death or Boola-Boola!"

The first of the men instantly said, "I'll take Boola-Boola!" He was then tied down and anally raped by the entire tribe. He was then let go.

The next man thought about his options and said, "Well, that doesn't look fun but I don't want to die so I'll take Boola-Boola." He was then tied down and anally raped by the whole tribe before they let him go.

The last man was a tough Texan. He spit on the ground and said, "I'll take death."

Dear Donner,

HI came over this picture under curiosities:

Freeze-Dried Deer

However, the story is wrong, this deer hasn't frozen to death, it's been hit by a car. It was one of many in an improvised campaign held by local reindeer owners in the far north of Norway, who were angry due to the many reindeer being killed by drivers every year, without the driver standing forth. Of course, the campaign got quite the attention, and the authorities soon removed the carcasses.

It's a curious picture, though not because of mother nature.

- Haarfagre

I have placed your notes in the file so that people can be properly informed. You have also won a prize! A free slap on the back that must be administered by yourself or someone near you.

What did I get instead? It's like The Sisterhood of the Fucking Traveling Pants only more insipid. What's worse is that this book sucks so hard and so bad and so few people realize it!

First of all, let's take a look at our so-called heroine, Bella, who's supposed to be strong and independent and yet can't take eight steps without having a man come and save her ass.

Edward? Don't even get me started. Dark, mysterious... EMO! I mean, come on... "I love you, Bella but... I'm dangerous!" Fuck you, fangface.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, a teacher said.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.

“It sure was”, said the little girl. “My little kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say ‘Fuck,’ the rottweiler ate him!”

QUICK JOKE #2

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.

“Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

“I kicked her in the face.”

QUICK JOKE #3

A wife and husband were sitting in bed watching tv when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.”

She said, “Your dick is bigger than all of your friends’.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a beer?” Grandpa replied “Can your pecker touch you’re ass?” The little boy answered, “No Grandpa, It’s just a little pecker!” Grandpa said, “Then you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your pecker touch you’re ass?” The little boy answered “no,” again. Grandpa said, “Then your not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk. Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?” The boy asked, “Can your pecker touch you’re ass?” Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!”

The boy replied, “Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me.”

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Dear Donner,

Hi! I am enjoying your site. I didn't even know people used guestbooks anymore, but yours is alive and kicking. Anyway, nice job with it. I am still making my way through everything but so far I really like it!

~Becci

I'll admit that the guestbook is a little old fashioned, but I'm an old fashioned kind of fellow. I believe that men should open doors for ladies, that a lady should always go first through a door, and that if a lady doesn't have your goddamn dinner ready in time you should beat the ever-living fuck out of her.

Being old fashioned now has me missing teeth. I shouldn't have married such a tough woman.

I took leave of my senses after Thanksgiving in an attempt to do a few more activities with my mother who I hardly ever get to see anymore and decided to accompany her to the Black Friday sales going on at several locations around the Dallas metroplex. What the fuck was I thinking?

Our first stop at Kohl's at a yawn-inducing 4 AM wasn't that bad. People were pretty well behaved and the store was nice and organized. I didn't get anything because it was Kohl's and Kohl's doesn't even register on my man radar. Actually, there was something I wanted - a video projector - but in true consumerist fashion, they only had three in stock and I went left when I should have went right. No biggie.

The next stop was Wal-Mart which is already scraping the bottom of the genetic barrel as it is. Let me tell you something, kids, if you think that Wal-Mart already offers a wide variety of white and other assorted trash and you haven't been to one in the South, it's like visiting a planet where hygiene and a full set of teeth never evolved. All I wanted was some cheap DVDs I could give to my niece and nephew so I wasn't in the direct firing range of where the dregs of humanity nested, each with their hands on a 50 inch TV or a video game console.

I should preface this: At Kohls, Target, Office Max, and Lowes they had their customers wait in neat little lines outside and didn't let them in until opening when everything was organized and fuss was at a minimum. At Wal-Mart, they let these trailer park bacteria into the store and then told them they couldn't buy anything until 5 AM. What!?

So, there we are. I'm leaning up against the DVD rack watching tattooed rodents glare at each other like wolves over a fresh kill when, at 4:57 something set them off and they started grabbing TVs as associates screamed at them that it wasn't time yet. I leaned back and waited, watching people actually hit each other with massive plasma televisions. It was truly amazing.

Meanwhile, in a Wal-Mart a couple of thousand miles away, person is getting trampled to death. Nice going, Wal-Mart.

Nothing like that happened in our Wal-Mart, but I did some amazing kindness. You see, some dirtbag douche-monkey decided to knock down an elderly woman in electronics so that he could get an Xbox 360. It was then that some thuggy little twenty-something helped her up and gave her the system that he had picked up.

It's amazing, sometimes you loose complete faith in humanity only to have it restored with a simple act of kindness. My own mother even surprised me when she gave a Lego set that she had picked up in Target to a mother who was disappointed that she couldn't find one.

It was nice to see these acts as I entered the holiday season, but I will say this - it will be a cold day in Hell before I darken the door of any retailer on Black Friday again. I'm too agoraphobic, I'm too anti-social, and I don't care if they're giving away free hot chocolate and blow jobs, I'd rather pay a little extra than face that hell again.