Monday, February 4, 2007
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QUICK JOKE #1
After a long day at work, a man realized it was
his anniversary.
He raced to Victoria's Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had. He
purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home.
He ran inside and told his wife, "Go upstairs and put this on." She went
upstairs and opened her gift. She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it
was transparent. She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs
naked because her husband wouldn't even notice, and she could return the gown
for a refund in the morning.
As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, "Damn—for $400, you'd
think they'd at least iron the damn thing!"
QUICK JOKE #2
Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a
highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks
him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”
The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you
better have your license ready when we get to your car.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop
runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his
license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks
him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”
The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”
The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy,
‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’”
QUICK JOKE #3
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific
for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss
his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a
very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly
surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible.
I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you
learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his
wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we
can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well
you play that harmonica."
QUICK JOKE #4
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and
shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping
for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take
that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
QUICK JOKE #5
An autopsy professor was giving an
introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he
addressed the class:
“There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First,
you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the
class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as
instructed.
“Second,” the professor continued, “You must have an acute sense of
observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle
finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?”
GOT JOKE?
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brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
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|
Dear Donner,
oh my god. |
Dear Kevin,
Please. "Donner" will do just fine.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
 |
BRATZ: THE UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN HERSELF
Remember the old days when the feminists would
complain about Barbie and how little girls were developing complexes because
they couldn't live up to the image that Barbie wanted them to live up to? Well,
I hope to fuck that they are all happy and proud of themselves now because
good-bye Barbie, hello Bratz.
What the godhole are these things? Huge lips, no noses, googly eyes,
gigantic feet? Barbie was too perfect and so we want our little girls to strive
to be fucking aliens? Is THIS the kind of body we want girls to idolize?
JESUS! They're sewer mutants! Alice spent three movies trying to
kill these goddamned things!
Even more material and fake than Barbie ever dreamed of being, these plastic
graven images fashioned by the starving fingers of 3rd world child laborers are
the most awful and grotesque toy on the market. Comparing Barbie to Bratz is
like comparing Audrey Hepburn to Courtney Love.
What's
worse is that these devilish ugly dolls are now becoming over commercialized -
what with a really godawful movie (and yes I saw... about 30 minutes of it), a
video game, coloring books, make-up kits, clothing line, playsets, and home
pregnancy kits. This shit's got to stop!!!
The absolute worst thing I've experienced that is Bratz-related? I'm standing
around in Wal-Mart near the lingerie racks touching myself when this woman (who
I didn't even know) out of the blue showed me a Bratz coloring book. The page
she was showing me had a Brat saying "Always let the man make the first move."
JESUS HERBERT CHRIST! This is a book for FUCKING EIGHT YEAR-OLDS!!!
"This is sick!" the woman said. "Can you believe that they are printing this for little babies?"
"Well, you dress your kid like a whore and you give them little whore dolls, eventually... they're going to start acting like whores," I replied.
It's bad enough that the major chains want you to
dress your little girls like dirty skanks, but now the Bratz want to turn them
into whores of Lohanian proportions! If you buy your little girl one of these
plastic sperm-dumpsters, you should loose your right as a parent and have the
goddamned thing jammed up your asshole!
Bratz suck, Barbie's better, but He-Man would kill them all. Deal with it.
HOLY CRAP, I AM SO BEHIND
Believe it or not, the hardest page to maintain at this site is the movie review page and when I went back and looked at darkhorizons.com to see the movies I have see in 2007 but haven't reviewed, I was shocked to see over ten! Oy... I need to buckle down.
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THE ARCADE Four brand new games to kill your productivity! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New Curiosities and Amazing Images! |
Hello carpel tunnel syndrome!
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THE ARCADE Four brand new games to kill your productivity! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New Curiosities and Amazing Images! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Tired of Donner doing all the judging? He put himself up to judge this time with his competition pictures! |
Hello carpel tunnel syndrome!
Thursday, February 21, 2007
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QUICK JOKE #1
A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane.
After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.”
The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the
woman and puts one paw on her arm.
“Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her.
“Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll
arrest him upon arrival.”
“Wow!” replies the man.
She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments
later races back and craps all over the place.
“What happened?” yells the man.
The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”
QUICK JOKE #2
A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave
with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David on the wall.
The head archeologist points to the first drawing. “This indicates that
these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.” he
says. “The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till
the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further
proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they
would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David,
telling us they were Hebrews.”
The second archeologist shakes his head. “Hebrew is read from right to
left,” he explains. “It says, ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that
Chick!’”
QUICK JOKE #3
A ninety-year-old man stopped into his favorite bar, sat at the end, and
ordered a drink. Noticing a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of
the bar, he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As
the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her
apartment, where they got as freaky as two old folks can.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and
he headed to the doctor. After careful examination, the doctor asked the
old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!”
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she
lived. The old man said, “Sure, why?”
“Well you’d better get over there, you’re about to come!”
QUICK JOKE #4
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the
talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a
peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg
leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As
my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the
enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
QUICK JOKE #5
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and
out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside
every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…you know
what?”
“What, dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
“You’re bad luck! Get the fuck away from me.”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner,
Ok, so my site is not as good as yours. . . yet. . . but I just wanted to
say that I really liked you thing on the crab-bitten body girl. . . |
Dear Ant,
Your site will never be as good as mine, so take that 'yet' and shove it up your little ant butt.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
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HOLY SHIT, IT'S THE RETURN OF DONNER'S AMERICAN IDOL BLOG!!!
American Idol is back and it's time to blog. Here's goes: my judgment passed on the final 24. Who shall I smite first?
The Boys
David Hernandez – “Midnight Hour”
I can where this kid has vocal talent, but I found this performance
underwhelming at best. The opening gospel vocals were incredible, but then the
entire performance slid into a pile of normalcy. I could barely hear this guy
over the snoring.
Chikezie – “I Love You More Today than Yesterday”
First of all, I hate this guy for only having one name. It fucking annoys me. I
also hated this performance. It was pitchy and his confidence dwarfed his actual
talent. The song was too easy… which is why I guess they call him Easy Chikezie.
Hated it… I hate to see the token black suck this hard this early.
David Cook - “So Happy Together”
God bless ye, David Cook for taking this song and doing something original with
it. I wouldn’t say that this was a home run, but it was an easy triple. The
style didn’t quite mesh, but I heartedly applaud him for trying to go unique so
early.
Jason Yeager – “Moon River”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wow, this was both boring and
awful – a new thing which I will call Borawful. This is a deal-killer for poor
Mister Yeager. Since he sucks so bad, I shall give him a nickname – Jason
Stanker.
Robbie Carrico - “One is the Loneliest Number”
Ulck! Another bad interpretiation of an old song. At least he has a little vocal
power to keep it from becoming complete crap, but I was bored solid by the time
he was finished tunelessly droning. This is not what I would call rock. He shall
be known now as David Crappico.
David Archuleta – “You’d Better Shop Around”
A little tip for the future, Dave? Let’s stay away from the lower registers.
You’re girlish vocal cords shrivel like a pair of exposed testicles in winters
when subjected to them. Wow, this was another two minutes of awfulness. Let’s
call him David Barfuleta.
Danny Noriega – “Jailhouse Rock”
Emo Elvis! . The guy was having a hard time keeping up with the lyrics and his
personality is irritating as hell and, Gods, that thing he does with his nose
makes him look like a gay pig! Bleh! Call him Danny Boriega.
Luke Menard – “Everybody’s Talking About It”
Way to go and teenie-bopperize a great song, jackass! I hated this performance!
It was weak, pitchy, and all around terrible. Do me a favor, Puke Menard, come
back when your balls fucking drop.
Colton Berry – “Suspicious Minds”
Jesus Herbert Christ, you cannot do Elvis while wearing girl pants! What is the
deal with everyone trying to pussify the King? This wasn’t as awful as Boriega’s
Elvis song, but this was completely wrong. Totally, totally wrong!
Garret Haley – “Breaking Up is Hard to Do”
Oh, hello Sanjaya. Where have you been all year? Thank you, Garret Helly for
another two minutes of suck and awfulness that has risen the bar of awflitude.
Wow, the guys suck this time around.
Jason Castro – “What a Wonderful Day for a Daydream”
This was probably my favorite of the night so far. It was genuine, light, and
happy and I think it all worked well for him. This kid’s got a shot.
Michael Johns – “Light My Fire”
Not terrible, but it did remind me of drunken karaoke on a cruise ship. I guess
the best word I can come up with is awkward at best.
The Verdict: Ugh, terrible! I can’t believe this many awful
“entertainers” made it through! If this is any indicator, this is going to be a
very painful season.
Best of the night honors: Jason Castro and David Hernandez. Neither were
incredible, but they were at least entertaining.
Who Should Go Home: Uh… Everyone but Castro, Cook, and Hernandez?
Who Will Go Home: I think it’s a safe bet that Jason Yeager and Garret
Haley are toast.
The Girls
Kristie Lee Cook – “Rescue Me”
I have a feeling that Aretha Franklin is spinning in her grave right now. This
song was so completely wrong for her and listening to it was like listening to a
walkman running low on batteries. A terrible opening to the night. Is this
really what we have to look foreword to? Ulk.
Joanne Borgellav – “Say a Little Prayer”
Oh my God! Shut the hell up, bitch! I can’t believe this! First the guys suck
hard, and now the girls are disappearing into a black hole of badness that they
appear doomed to disappear into.
Joanne Borgella – “I Love You More Today than Yesterday”
Decent. Not great, but decent. Simply okay. (Read: boring!)
Alina Overmyer – “Please Don’t Go”
She’s an odd duck for this competition, but she is a breath of fresh air in a
show that seems dominated by talentless blondes. I enjoyed this performance ver
much. You go, you freaky goth chick.
Amy Davis – “Where the Boys Are”
Boring song, boring performance, and bad vocals. This was a chore to sit though,
forcing my eyes to stay open while Amy continued to drone tunelessly.
Brook White –“So Happy Together”
How can anyone take a song about being happy together and make it something so
dreadfully unhappy? By the Lords of Kobol, this was almost as bad as a spoken
word version. I can see where she’s trying to be woodsy and folksy, but this was
just pathetic. Nickname: Broke White.
Alexandria Lushington – “Spinning Wheel”
I got excited when she started singing this song as it is one of my favorites. I
can’t say she did it justice, but it wasn’t completely awful and in a season of
such rabid awfulness, that is high praise.
Kady Malloy – “A Groovy Kind of Love”
I didn’t hate this performance, but it was heads better than most of the others
on the show. Still, it was dreadfully boring… like a coma patient singing. Gods,
this is getting painful. This entire season is getting painful like testicle
surgery.
Asia’h Epperson - “Take Another Little Piece of my Heart”
What is the doggamn deal here!? Did the judges pick complete zombies to be on
the show this year? This was pitiful! An angry spirited song sung completely and
totally wrong and made so boring! Someone throw the switch and put some
electricity through these broads!
Ramiele Malubay – “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”
Finally! Someone who did not completely and totally suck the feces from my ass!
Thank you, Ramiele, for giving me a sliver of hope for what is sure to be a
godawful season of American Idol.
Unfortunately, I missed Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson due to
my DVR being all stupid.
Best of the night: That I saw? Ramiele Malubay
Who should/will go home: Kristie Lee Cook (I don’t give a rat’s ass if
you’re sick or not) and Brook White.
I am having a difficult time believing that out of all the thousands and
thousand who auditioned, this was the best they could do. Are they purposely
trying to kill this show or something? This season of American Idol looks
godawful.
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THE ARCADE We've got four new ones including one that will make you want to rip your hair out! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY A hair-raising new curiosity! |
Feh.
Thursday, February 21, 2007
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QUICK JOKE #1
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on
the absurd, stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” he thinks as he crawls outside. Once
outside, he tries to stand up again, but falls face first in the mud.
“Screw it,” he thinks. “I’ll just crawl home, then.”
The next morning, his wife finds him in the hallway, asleep. “You went out
drinking last night, didn’t you?” she asks.
“How’d you know?” he replies, angered by the implications.
“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
QUICK JOKE #2
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that
the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping
out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first
gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla
ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess
trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,
“It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
QUICK JOKE #3
A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture
of someone they admire.
“What a great picture,” she says to one little boy. “Who is it?”
“That’s my dad,” he says proudly.
“Tell me more about your father,” the teacher says. “What’s he like?”
The kid shrugs. “Beer and pussy.”
QUICK JOKE #4
This guy is flying down the interstate,
going way faster than he should be, and consequently he gets pulled over
by the state police.
When the officer comes up to the window, the man says, “Before you say
anything, I should probably tell you that this car is stolen, I have an
unregistered handgun in the glove compartment, and there is a dead body
in the trunk.”
The officer, in absolute shock, calls for backup and within minutes the
road is blocked off and there are cops all around. They search the car
and find none of the things he said to be true.
After investigating, the sergeant approaches the driver and says, “I
don’t understand. I spoke with the officer who pulled you over, and he
said you told him there was a gun in the glovebox, a body in the trunk,
and that the car was stolen. What’s the deal here?”
The man stands there dumbfounded, then says, “I bet he told you I was
speeding, too, huh?”
QUICK JOKE #5
A couple went golfing one day at a very
exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the
husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of
those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.”
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of
the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to
watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much
that lousy drive is going to cost us.”
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on
in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a
broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man
reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the
window?”
“Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m
a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give
you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a
million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said.
“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a
woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest
of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards,
the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you
and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.
“No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner,
Her name is AMANDA OVERMEYER not ALINA....that being said, she's the best
one out of the 24. WHERE'S THE NEW LOLA BITCH? |
Dear Monica,
I don't care, you're wrong, and I don't know.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
|
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I GET POLLED
I had no idea what I was going to blog about this week until I got a call from a polling place asking me who I was going to vote for and why. I live in Texas where one of the heated Democratic Primaries is taking place so, I guess I should go ahead and let everyone know who I'm supporting now that I've abandoned the Ron Paul ship like a dirty goddamned rat.
AMERICAN IDOL BLOG II: BLOG HARDER
The Boys
Michael Johns – “You Can Go Your Own Way”
All right, I know that this wasn’t Mr. Johns at his best, but I can see the
winner potential in him already. He’s good looking, he has a very folksy and
natural voice, and he has the talent to take him all the way through. I’m
keeping my eye on this one even though he didn’t knock it out of the park this
week. I enjoyed it and that’s knowing that he didn’t do his level best.
Jason Castro – “I Want to be Your Everyday”
I love this guy to pieces (wow, I’m gay tonight)! Castro is so genuine and so
down-home. It’s like there’s not a fake bone in his body and he’s just so
gosh-darned fun to watch just strumming that little guitar and his dreadlocks
flopping all over the place. The vocals aren’t astounding, but he is just so
dad-gum sweet!
Puke Menard – “Anytime”
I hated this guy last week, this week… not so bad. I’ve heard worse, let’s put
it that way. Mr. Menard should be thanking on bended knee whatever pagan god
that he sacrificed virgins and goats to last week to stay on the show because it
looks like his second chance is going to be a good one.
Robbie Carri-NO!!! – “Hot Blooded”
Okay, now that Bo-Lite has done his little song and dance on the stage, let’s
continue. He sucked tonight. He sucked hard. He was a deadly black hole of
suck which sucked so hard that light itself can not escape. Wrong song, bad
vocals, and he’s full of himself. Get a haircut, hippy.
Danny Boreaga – “Don’t You Remember…”
Wow, this was painful. Listening to this song was like sliding down a razor
while using my nuts for brakes… and getting to the chorus was like falling into
a pool of alcohol. It’s way past time this freakshow was drummed out.
David Hernandez – “Poppa was a Rolling Stone”
I don’t think that the song was suited for him, but this was probably the best
vocals of the night. Looks like someone is finally putting his balls out on the
line and going for it. Good for him. Best of the night.
Jason Stanker – “Without Love”
I’m not overly impressed and very bored, but he was loads better than he was
last week (that’s not a strong compliment, by the way). The thing is, I can see
the talent in his voice when he sings, but he just won’t let it grow. It’s like
he’s choking it with a string of bad notes.
Suckezie – “I Believe”
All right, for one thing, Suckezie was more of a rocker this week than Robbie.
I’m not a fan of this self-important douchebag, but I’ve got to admit that I
enjoyed the performance. Nice work.
David Cook – “All Right Now”
Another good performance by someone who was more rockin’ than Robbie. This was
a great sounding performance, it was genuine, it was enjoyable, and best of all
it wasn’t boring. Snapping at Simon raises his douchery, though, and he needs
to watch out for that.
David Barfuletta – “Imagine”
That sound you hear is John Lennon spinning in his grave at about 100,000 rpms
at Imagine being given the teen treatment. Begrudgingly, I must say that the
vocals were nice even though I think that if David even thinks about singing
this song again, his ball should be removed with a cleaver.
Who will be going home: All right, everyone, take a good long last look
at Robbie Carino and Jason Yeagar. I hope you won’t miss them too
badly.
The Girls
Carley Smithson - “Crazy on You”
While I find the whory titty-shaking somewhat distasteful, I can’t say I hated
the performance. Vocally, the song was acceptable and did improve from a shaky
beginning, but I can’t say it was awesomely wonderful. This isn’t an act I would
instantly kick her off the show for; I’ll put it that way.
Syesha Mercado – “Me and Mr. Jones”
This performance had elegance in sheer gallons and Syesha is such a lovely young
woman. I wouldn’t say that Syesha knocked it out of the park, but this song was
nice and understated and, to me, just right though I must admit that she has to
try harder in the future.
Broke White – “You’re So Vain”
I have to admit, she channeled Carly Simon very well with the exception of the
sounding good part while singing. I’m being a little mean… truthfully, it wasn’t
horrible but it was weird and I can tell that she had terrible trouble with the
low notes. It was pretty good for karaoke.
Ramiele Malubay – “Don’t Leave Me This Way”
Color me surprised. So far, this has been my least favorite of the night. I
can’t put my finger on it, but something about the song was weird and off… I
just don’t know what it was. I’m so used to hearing this song sung at an eleven
and I just got done listening to it at a seven. This sucks! I don’t want this
broad to go away this quickly.
Kristy Lee Croak – “You’re No Good”
Lot’s of trouble with the low notes and I just found the entire performance
trite and boring which really blows because these dames are choosing all my
favorite songs. This was by the numbers and unremarkable in every aspect.
Amanda It’s Overmeyer – “Carry On”
Okay, I know I said last week that Amanda is something like a breath of fresh
air, but I honestly must insist that we put an end to this godawful freakshow
right now before it morphs into another bout of Sanjamania. Come on, now, she
looked like the offspring of Rosie O’Donnell and a skunk and the singing was
ridiculously bad. It’s time to shut the sideshow down, America. Shut it down.
Alaina Shittaker – “Hopelessly Devoted to You”
Somewhat acceptable as karaoke, but this is American Idol damnit, and I don’t
have the time nor patience to listen to some blonde bimbo get up on stage and
strangle Olivia Newton John with sour notes. If I’m giving up an hour and a half
to listen to these broads, I want some fraking quality!
Alexandreary Lushington – “Please Don’t Go”
The funniest thing just happened. The wife and I are watching this tuneless
harpy massacre otherwise good music and the wife suddenly says, “She’s a
lesbian!” When I asked her what the hell she was talking about, the wife said,
“Look at what she’s wearing! She’s worn lesbian clothes for two weeks now!”
Well, lesbian or not, this performance was absolutely ghastly. When she said,
“It’s over!” after she was done with it, she might be more prophetic than she
thought.
Kady Malloy – “Imagine Me”
Oh my God, what the fuck was this bullshit? This was like having a Q-tip dipped
in battery acid and then violently raping my ear canal with it. This was the
worse piece of scat that I’ve had the misfortune of listening to all night…
hell, all season. Bad Kady! Bad! No boner for you!
Asia’h Epperson – “All By Myself”
Part of me thinks that Kady created a virtual crater of suck that poor Asia’h
was just struggling to pull herself out of, but that would be unfair to the suck
that Asia’h created herself. Boy, this is a terrible song when it’s sung by a
pro and when handled by an American Idol contestant, it reaches new and
increasingly awful lows. I hated it. Hated every intensely shitty moment of it.
Best of the night: Easily, it had to be Carley Smithson. After
that, the show slowly started on a long painful trip downhill.
Who’s going home: It’s over for Amanda Overmeyer and Kady
Malloy. I would be willing to bet a hundred imaginary dollars.