Monday January 8, 2007
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QUICK JOKE #1
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but it's Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."
QUICK JOKE #2
An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV,
the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that: You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries!"
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone: Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I’ve got
it, for goodness sake!"
Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After twenty minutes the old
man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, "Where's my toast?"
QUICK JOKE #2
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around
their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.
Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!
Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your
penis' away."
The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't
worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple
cold ones after work...."k
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Dear Donner, |
Dear Paul Blackwell,
I'm glad you enjoy the site, Paul Blackwell, but the truth is that all of the educational material that you are lauding is actually all false and a cover to bring down the bloated education system by creating a generation of complete idiots. So far, I'd say it's working nicely.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
WELCOME TO 2008
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How can I be welcoming you to a year I myself have just gotten to? You bring up an excellent point. On the other hand, shut up.
So I live in Fort Worth, right? It's not a bad place and, truth be told, if the festering shithole known as Dallas wasn't next door, it would be perfect. I'm not lying, kids, Dallas is one of the most ugly, polluted, and shittiest cities in all of the United States and that includes Detroit and El Paso. That's how badly it sucks.
I should know. I have to work there. I drive 33 miles every morning into the heart of Shitstain, USA. There is actually a cloud of stink right on the city limits. It's uncanny! As soon as you pass the sign that says "We're sorry you're entering Dallas!" you are overcome with this putrid fog of decomposing garbage, oil fumes, and vaporized shit. It's as if the city council is saying, "Welcome to Dallas! Here, have some cancer!"
I'm working to get out of Dallas and get a job over here in Fort Worth (at least until I finally get out of Texas once and for all) but until then, I have to put up with this festering urban blight next door.
But, I am getting off topic. I was actually going to talk about a little trip I took up North into Oklahoma. I know, I know... Oklahoma? What the fuck is so special about Oklahoma? It's a funny thing... I've lived just 45 minutes South of Oklahoma for four years now and I've never been there. For someone who wants to visit every state in the country, that's a testament to how little impact the prospect of visiting Oklahomo stirs inside of me.
I finally went and, you know, I actually enjoyed myself. We only got about fifty miles into the state, but we visited some waterfalls in a state park and it was probably one of the more beautiful things I've ever seen. We even went out of our way onto some very country roads (the kind where the natives rape tourists) to try an Onion Burger and, let me tell you, even though my ass is killing me it was the best damned hamburger I've ever tasted.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't wait until I can venture into Oklahoma again.
So, what of New Year's resolutions? (Try and keep up, I switch gears rapidly) My resolution this year is to cut down on my swearing. I'm not giving it up, fuck no! But I have noticed that my regular every day spoken speech has become peppered with "fucks" and "shits" and "Huckabees." I know where I've picked it up from, too... All my wonderful urbanite students who fester in that shithole known as Dallas. I've just got to cut it out or I'm going to turn into an even more undesirable human being.
Let's see... what else? Hmm... You know what sucks about buying your wife a pet for Christmas? When it dies right after New Year. Thanks Petsmart.
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THE ARCADE For brand-spanking new games for the new year! |
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Oh, I forgot... Bush has only one more year left in office! Huzzah!
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QUICK JOKE #1
George W. Bush recently went to a primary school
in Sedgefield to talk to the children about the war. After his talk he offered
"question time." One little boy put up his hand, and the President asked him his
name.
"Billy!"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third,
whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rang for lunchtime. George W. Bush informed the kiddies that
they would continue after lunch.
When they resumed, the President said, "OK where were we? Oh that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy put up his hand and George pointed him out and asked his
name.
"Steve!"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,
whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the lunch bell sound 20
minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?"
QUICK JOKE #2
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and
decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces
the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of
town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone
from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course
to himself—everyone else is in church!
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord
and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard
hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you
let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"
QUICK JOKE #2
A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car. He is rushed to the
hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.
After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot’s room and says “Well,
I’ve got good news and bad news.”
The carrot says, “Give me the good news first, doc.”
The doctor says, “The good news is you’re gonna live.”
“And the bad news?” asks the carrot.
“THe bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life.“
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Dear Donner,
And yeah, it's haunted. |
Dear Desiree,
Thank you very much for pointing out my error. I know that an error from me is a very rare thing and that you must have been on the lookout for months, perhaps even years for me to make one. I congratulate you. You must feel pretty goddamned smart now.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
STUPID PEOPLE PISS ME OFF
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So I am somewhere - I won't say where because these people know me and will probably kill me if they ever read this - and the discussion turns to politics and who I am supporting in the primary races. Granted, I think the primary races are pretty stupid, but in George W. Fucktard's final year in office, I want to make sure someone is going to go into the White House who won't fuck it up worse than what he has. Huckabee, I'm looking at you, you nutcase.
Anway, I get asked - mind you, I get asked - who I'm supporting and I say, "Well, I don't like to choose anyone this early in, but since it looks like Ron Paul doesn't have a chance of getting nominated anymore, I like Barrack Obama."
"He's a radical Muslim, you know," came the response.
Ever been talking to someone and then they hit you in the nuts for no reason? If you're a guy and you've been to High School, you have. I had the same reaction. First, I doubled over, my balls retreated into my abdominal cavity, and I got nauseous. So much so that I couldn't even speak for several seconds. Finally, the rage came on.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded.
"He's a radical Muslim and he refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance," came the response. "I don't see how you can vote on someone like that."
"He's not a Muslim!" I said. "Where did you hear such a ridiculous thing?"
"I heard he was a Muslim and he refuses to say the pledge."
"WHERE did you hear this?"
"I heard he's a Muslim!"
Mind you, these folks are in their sixties and about as country as you can get. I knew this wasn't going to go well, particularly when I started trotting out facts.
"Okay," I said, "Doesn't matter where you heard this, it's false. As a matter of fact, it's a bald faced lie. He's not Muslim, he went to a Muslim school when he was little but then his mother transferred him to a Catholic school. His father was a Muslim, but divorced his mother when he was a boy and eventually turned agnostic or atheist depending on what day you ask him. And as for the pledge thing, that's just plain stupid. I've seen him recite the pledge on TV!"
"Well, I just don't see how you can support anyone like that," came the reply.
This is why we'll never have change in Washington, I thought. "Look," I said, "Romney is a Mormon and everyone's having kittens over that. If Obama was Muslim - and a radical Muslim at that - everyone would know! It wouldn't be whispered behind his back, he'd be questioned thoroughly about it!"
Again. "He is a radical Muslim and you shouldn't vote on him!"
"Fine," I said breaking out my Blackberry, "I'll show you documented proof." I called up snopes.com and showed them.
"Can we please stop talking about politics!?" the person screamed at me.
You see, this is the reaction I get from conservatives when they see cold hard evidence. Anger. Sorry you got called on your ignorance, but don't ask me shit if you don't want answers.
It wasn't until later I heard where these ignorant ignorant folks got their information about Obama being a Muslim. You ready for this?
Church!
CHURRRRRRRRRRCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The supposed bastion of decency and goodwill is LYING to people about presidential candidates! I'm not knocking all churches, because I think it's pretty ignorant to do that since not all are the conservative nut factories this one appears to be, but give me a godamned break! Doesn't the ten commandments have something about not bearing false witness?
I'm so mad right now I could spit. Here I am, a Christian and an ordained minister and I haven't set foot in a church for over four years because of crap like this.
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We skin and chop up The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! |
Until next time, amigos.
Monday January 21, 2007
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QUICK JOKE #1
A woman goes to the house of her boyfriend's
parents for dinner. She's meeting the family for the first time and she is very
nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
However, the woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes
water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a
chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog, that
had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Ginger!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A
couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she
didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!"
Once again he woman smiled and thought, "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't
even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get
away from her before she shits on you!"
QUICK JOKE #2
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.
"The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to get in line for that, too."
QUICK JOKE #2
A guy steps into an elevator and there’s just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps
right into her breast.
He says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.”
She looks at him a few seconds and says, “That’s all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 204.”“
GOT JOKE?
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Dear Donner,
(myspace
link omitted) |
Dear jill,
There is nothing possible on this planet I would like to do less than visiting your myspace page. If I had a choice between visiting your myspace or poking myself in my balls for three hours with a rusty icepick, I would choose the icepick over the obviously terrible pictures of you half-naked with stretch marks and a cessarian scar.
You see, I was going to be nice and visit your page just to say I did and then I saw that it was a private page and I thought, "Hey, this fucking cunt is trying to spam my guestbook! This stupid AIDs infested cumbubble is using MY SITE and MY GUESTBOOK to attract visitors to her myspace so that she can infect their eyes with pictures of her crusty crab-bitten body which probably smells like burned heroine and fish!"
Go peddle your site elsewhere, whore. We're not into that shit here.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
TO SPEAK OR NOT TO SPEAK, THAT IS THE QUESTION
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I'm persuing the internet because I'm cool like that and I strike up a conversation with some e-buddies of mine about what I would do if someone handed me the keys to a studio and asked me to develop a Legend of Zelda film franchise. I've always been an insane fan of the video games, and of course... this is always something I've taken seriously. Over my dead body would someone like Uwe Boll or P.T. Anderson come and fuck THIS one up if I could say anything about it!
My plan, I must say, was brilliant. I had this epic adventure charted out over the course of five movies and a thousand years. The first in the series would be "The Ocarina of Time" followed by "A Link to the Past." Next would come "Majora's Mask" and then "Twilight Princess" (the best of all the games, IMHO). Finally, the quintillogy would be completed with "The Windwaker." (I'm not sure if "quintillogy is actually a word, but I'm using it!)
What was totally boss about my vision is that Gannon and Zelda would always be played by the same actors, but Link would be played by someone different in every movie (he would actually die in a few of them!). My goal was to make the series a true "legend of Zelda" making her the mystical chain that held the story together.
It was brilliant, I loved it, the people loved it, the women wanted me, the men wanted to be me, and even a few of them wanted me.
But then here comes the pissant in the group who said, "For this to be a true Legend of Zelda movie, Link has to be a mute."
What... the... fuck? Link a mute? That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard, but this annoying irritating fuckwad of a pissant kept on and on and eventually garnered a following of parrots repeating the same goddamned asinine thing over and over again, "Link doesn't talk in the games, so he shouldn't talk in the movies!" Retardism! Jesus Herbert Christ!
Now, if you have played the games you know that, yeah, Link is never shown actually talking to anyone. Usually, his responses or voice, if you will, is summed up with ".....". I guess I can see how the confusion can cloud a very weak mind in that "....." could mean that Link is saying nothing.
But consider this scenario. You're in a bar, your son has gone missing, your drinking yourself to death, and then this kid in green tights walks in.
"You there," you say, "Have you seen my son?"
"......."
"I see. My son was turned into a tree, but gave you his flute before he died. Don't worry, son, you go ahead and keep it. Incidentally, your ass looks fabulous in those green tights!"
Bullshit! You can't tell me that someone would deduce all of that just by the kid coming in and staring at them blankly!
But, no, Link MUST be a mute!
Fuck beans.
I did a little research and found that Link does speak in The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link where he says in a text box, "I found a mirror!". Not to mention that in "The Windwaker" Link is audibly heard yelling "Come on!" while wielding the command spell.
I presented these facts and none of the "Link is mute" camp responded.
Christ, now I know how a Hollywood exec feels. You have a great idea for a movie or TV show and then you have asinine morons coming out of the woodwork doing their best to stupid it up!
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP We have fun trying to predict what the Cloverfield monster looks like! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New Curiosities and Actual Ads! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Cloverfield, Juno, and Dragon Wars (yes, Dragon Wars). |
We're sorry, but our princess is in another castle.
Tuesday January 22, 2007
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QUICK JOKE #1
A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host
and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you’?”
The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that
says, ‘Fuck you.’”
“Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with
your parrot.”
QUICK JOKE #2
Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from
their sex education teacher.
“I can’t believe we failed sex ed,” says the first boy. “My dad’s gonna
kill me.”
“I know,” says the other. “I’m so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the
nuts!”
QUICK JOKE #3
AA man arrives home from work at the usual time of 5 p.m. His wife
immediately begins yelling at him for no reason.
After two hours of her complaining, he turns to her and says, “Honey,
why don’t I go outside, pretend I just came home, and we can start over
again.”
“Fine,” she agrees. “That might help.”
The husband goes outside, then comes back in and announces, “Honey, I’m
home!”
“Where the hell have you been?” she yells back. “It’s after seven!”
QUICK JOKE #4
A man goes for a prostate exam. The
proctologist is checking him out when he discovers a roll of hundreds in
the guy’s colon. He pulls it out and counts the money.
“You’re not going to believe this,” says the doctor. “But I’ve just
found $1,900 inside your rectum.”
“Hmm,” says the patient. “Well, I guess that explains why I haven’t been
feeling too grand.”
QUICK JOKE #5
While out walking one day, a young boy met
a redneck riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation.
"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" asked the boy.
"Stupid kid," said the redneck. "Dogs don't talk."
The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the dog anyway. "Hey
dog, how's it going?"
"Doin' all right," replied the dog to the redneck's amazement.
"Is this guy your owner?" asked the boy.
"Yep," replied the dog.
"How does he treat you?" asked the boy.
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."
With that, the boy asked if he could talk to the redneck's horse.
"Stupid kid, horses don't talk," replied the redneck.
The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the horse, anyway. "Hey
horse, how's it going?"
"Cool," replied the horse.
"Is this your owner?" asked the boy pointing to the redneck.
"Yep."
"How's he treat you?" asked the boy.
"Pretty good, thanks for asking," replied the horse. "He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
The redneck was totally amazed at his talking horse.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" asked the boy.
"The sheep's a liar," answered the redneck.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
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brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
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for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner, |
Dear Monica,
Just based on the video reactions, I think it was a pretty safe bet I would not partake of the fad that is Two Girls, One Cup. Even if there was the slightest possibility that I would, the words "shit eating" just killed it.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
HOW TO GET RID OF TERRORISM IN ONE GENERATION
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First, a disclaimer: I honestly don't think
terrorism is that big of a deal. If it was, the terrorists would be blowing up
malls, elementary schools, movie theaters, hospitals, and government buildings
every day here in America and abroad. It's not happening, so that's proof that
al Queida is not lurking in the corners of every city waiting to strike.
The very specter of terrorism is a boogeyman dangled at the foot of our beds to
distract us so that Dick Cheney can roll up the constitution in a tight little
tube and shove it up some poor guy's ass in Gitmo.
Is terrorism a problem? Sure, it's a problem and it's a problem that can be
fixed in a generation. On teeny-tiny span of twenty-five years.
I hope you presidential hopefuls are listening!
Here's how: get America off of Middle Eastern
oil. Simple as that. We have the technology. Norway has the hydrogen highway
to accommodate zero-emission hydrogen fuel cell cars, there is a firm at
theaircar.com that has a
zero emission vehicle that runs on compressed air that will be rolling off the
assembly line later this year and will sell for LESS than internal combustion
engine cars. In the near future, these cars will be equipped with an on-board
compressor that will actually fuel the car as you drive it.
There's is very little reason why we can't make the transition right now. I'm no
fool, I know we won't do it in a year or two years, but it is possible that
within a generation, a large number of cars on the road won't need gasoline.
Countries like the US can use their own supply instead of kissing Sheik butt to
get more.
Take away the money from the oil sheiks, and the economy of the Middle East will
change drastically. There will be no reason we will need to stay there for a
peace-keeping force because, frankly, we won't need them anymore and the entire
region can go straight to Hell for all I'm concerned. Non-involvement is grand.
Through all of this, the money that is being filtered to the terrorists through
our gas tanks will suddenly disappear and the terrorists who get their rocks off
by blowing up bits and pieces of The Great Satan will soon find themselves stuck
in caves and mumbling about the infidels who dared to decide that they weren't
needed anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that The Middle East is more trouble than what
it's worth. We have the technology to abandon foreign oil, so why not do it?
This will never happen (or at least it won't happen for several years) because
too many politicians have their hands in the oil honey pot. So, we'll continue
to fund terrorism and turn our skies a chocolate brown simply because it's
putting money in all the right pockets. This is why I call bullshit on every
politician that wants to fight terrorism, but doesn't support alternative fuel
research.
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THE ARCADE Four brand new games to kill your productivitiy! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY New Inventions You Never Knew You Didn't Need! |
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COMICS Look out! In the Comics Spotlight, it's Ms. PMS! Just like Spider-Man if he were on the rag. |
Happy 81st Birthday, Granny!