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Monday July 7, 2008
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QUICK JOKE #1
A new American ambassador was being entertained by
an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had
received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The
Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to
drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat
smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good
relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were
ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he
told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian
roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
QUICK JOKE #2
Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a
rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and
said, "Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"
She replied, "no sir!"
So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"
"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied
The second man went out to her and asked, "Mermaid, have you ever had
your breasts fondled?"
"No sir," she replied.
So he set to and fondled and caressed and
then asked, "How did you like that?"
She replied, "It was most pleasurable, sir."
The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been
fucked?"
"No sir," she replied.
He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"”
QUICK JOKE #3
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well,
if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
lane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel ike
a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and
whispers:
"Iron this."
QUICK JOKE #4
An elderly couple was having dinner one
evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand
in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's
something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for
a good reason."
Henry was stunned by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
"Let's see," Martha said. "The first time was shortly after we were
married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't
pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the
banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be
extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to
see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no
charge."
"I recall that," said Henry "And you did it to save my life, so I of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said, a little more hesitant. "So do you remember when
you ran for president of the yacht club, and you needed 73 more
votes...?"
QUICK JOKE #5
A woman was in bed with her lover when she
heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a
statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband enquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the “statue”, “eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water.”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner,
is there a
page on slightlywarped.com just 4 evil kitties video corner beause if
there is i cant find it |
Dear Madison,
There was, but I got sick of maintaining it. You can get to all of the older videos by acessing the "ARCHIVE" link up at the top of this frame. Most of them still work.
Love,
Donner
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Dear Donnor, |
Dear Cars Hater,
I don't hate Cars, but it is Pixar's weakest movie. Saying Pixar has a weak movie is like saying missionary is weaker than doggie style. They're still both fun.
Who the fuck is Donner by the way? Do I look like I'm going to be giving out organs?
Love,
Donner
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Dear Donner,
First of
all, thank you for creating Donners Movie Reveiws and shining a light on
the self riotous pile of crap that is Hollywood. I must refrain from
fauning, though. I really am emailing to tell you that your Lion King
commentary is inaccesable through the link on your site. Was it taken
down? I really enjoyed your Batman and Robin commentary, and am curious
about your other commentaries. Please keep bringing the pain.. |
Dear Patrick Wilson,
The commentaries were taken down because Putfile and everyone behind it are mindless cunts who shit themselves anytime a threatening letter is written by a dickless lawyer. They don't seem to realize that copyright law isn't applicable to works that are created to comment or criticize another work. They are pussies because they didn't even have the balls to tell me they were taking it down and I had to learn it from you. They are worthless cocksuckers and I hope that they get ass cancer from all the sodomy they they are obviously receiving. I hope their mothers spontaneously combust and that their pets are eaten by a plague of rats. May their sex organs dehydrate and grow moldy from STDs and may their insides explode with cancer. Putfile is shit.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
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JESSE HELMS IS FINALLY DEAD
There's a date far in the future that I'm sure all of humanity will join together and stop all the bullshit that keeps us apart - all this miniscule horse manure that those in power throw at us as they make off with all the money. For this to happen, an entire generation of worthless loathsome bastards have to die and, thankfully, one of the biggest bastards in the US government is finally dead; may the worms gorge themselves on his despicable body.
I'm talking about Jesse Helms. Hailed by Dubya as a great patriot, Helms was a worthless immoral racist gasbag of a human being and I'm sure that the entire human race is better off without him.
Let me just clarify things. No, I didn't know the guy. I didn't meet him. I don't know how he was as a person. All I care about are his public actions and statements and, belive me, they speak volumes of his character. Take this story for example.
Soon after the Senate vote on the Confederate flag insignia, Sen. Jesse Helms (R.-N.C.) ran into [African-American Illinois Senator Carol] Mosely-Braun in a Capitol elevator. Helms turned to his friend, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R.-Utah), and said, "Watch me make her cry. I'm going to make her cry. I'm going to sing 'Dixie' until she cries." He then proceeded to sing the song about "the good life" during slavery to Mosely-Braun.
There is also the fact that he called every African-American (out of earshot of course) as "Fred." He refused time and time again funding programs for HIV treatment and prevention because he considered gays and lesbians as "disgusting people." He opposed academic research, the arts, foreign aid, the United Nations, domestic and international public health efforts, and of course affirmative action and the Martin Luther King holiday.
Now, republicans are falling all over themselves to talk about what a great leader he was and how much he meant to the party. This racist, bigoted, fuck-faced son of a bitch is someone that the republican party admires! And then they wonder why they can't win over the black vote? Jesus!
This odious man; this sick, twisted individual is finally dead. The human race is better for it and, with his passing, the last of the openly racist Southern republicans is finally roasting in hell. Personally, I think it would have been more appropriate to see Helms drop dead the day Obama was sworn in, but I'll just settle for the fact that this cunt is dead and be happy with that.
I like ham!!!
Monday July 21, 2008
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QUICK JOKE #1
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for
Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said , 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into
the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....
'What's a headache?'
QUICK JOKE #2
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's
electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened
and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your
robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one
will question you.
"When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist,
I have nothing to declare.
"The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.
QUICK JOKE #3
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you
question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out,
fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new."
"Yes, so what's your question?" the doc asks.
"Well, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big
bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
QUICK JOKE #4
Bob and Martha have been married for 15
years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls
over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're
gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an
idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the
turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning
ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs,
but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3
hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up,
pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my
guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back
up there again."
QUICK JOKE #5
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner,
I was just
wondering, what is so dirty about the dirtiest ad you have ever seen? |
Dear Madison,
I assume you're referring to this ad featured on the Actual Ads page. How can I put this delicately... it's an ad for lube and the woman is sitting where a pole should be. Where did the pole go? That's how good the lube is.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.
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GETTING READY FOR A LONG VACATION
Thank the sweet and merciful forces of Scientology, the little woman and I are getting ready to head the fuck out of here for about two weeks and take a long deserved vacation as sort of a last hoorah before the adoption goes through and a celebration that Amy didn't have the C-word.
I'm really looking foreword to it. In the five years the two of us have been married, we've managed to get away together once and that was on a Carnival Cruise ship to Mexico. It sucked because, for one, we went to Mexico and for two we went on the Ecstasy which, as many of you remember, is the floating fiery ship of death.
This time, we're headed to Las Vegas to catch The Star Trek Experience before those knuckle-dragging uncle-fuckers at the Hilton shutter it. From there, it's off to Yosemite, then to San Francisco, then to Los Angeles, Tucson, and a few other stops. We're going to explore the tourist trap of Roswell, finally see that meteor crater that I didn't get to see last time I was in the area, and catch a movie at the Chinese Theater. It's going to be swell.
I may even be able to finally drop in on a few old friends of the site, so heads up to you all.
Anyway, I don't know if I'll do another update before we leave on Friday. I'm trying to add something everyday so hopefully, I'll leave you kids with something to do before I abscond.
Friday July 26, 2008
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I'm on vacation for the next couple of weeks. Enjoy this shity last-minute update!
QUICK JOKE #1
Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed
in the bathroom, and stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for
staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet,
undress in the bedroom, jump into bed, slap my wife on the ass, and say, 'Who's
horny?' and she acts like she's sound asleep. It works every time!"
QUICK JOKE #2
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar
on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink
and make small talk.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you
that?"
"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to
Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got
my name. What's your name?"
"Beertits," the man replied.
QUICK JOKE #3
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man,
that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this,
here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
QUICK JOKE #4
A man is walking on the beach when he
trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m
required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with
respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your
boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money."
Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million
appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini
appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose
carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
QUICK JOKE #5
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally
being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something
very strange happened.
On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
Washington.
With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep
well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved
through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?” Bush asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.
Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw
another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush
asked.
Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
