MARIO MUSIC
When I think of all the free time that must have went into this all
I can decide is that the Japanese have too much of it. Still,
it's amazing.
SOUSAPHOWNED
This annoying little shit had this coming.
ALICE
Elctro-musician Pongo has created this video exclusively sampling
Alice in Wonderland. Trippy... er.
REPUBLICAN TALKING
HEAD OWNED
Radio host Kevin James on MSNBC's Hardball with Chris Matthews is
exposed as the empty-headed prick he is.
CAT
ON ICE
Aw, the poor kitty can't understand what's wrong.
BABY SINGS "HEY JUDE"
This is goddamned adorable! A million times more entertaining
than the "Across the Universe" movie.
QUICK JOKE #1
There was a boy who worked in the produce section
of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The
boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into
the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a
half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other
half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager
said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I
must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet
and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
QUICK JOKE #2
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen
pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and see the poor
guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled
with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet,
takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him.
"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep
with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?...
don't think about it again" she said.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change
her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife
and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough. She
wants one thousand.....
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch.. when she
was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five
hundred..."
QUICK JOKE #3
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel
with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their
boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very
attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor
has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the
first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and
plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next
floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach
the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and
plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still
two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is
perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all
excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor
left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor
was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
QUICK JOKE #4
A blonde was shopping and came across a
silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some
things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw
it on her desk.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,”
she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
QUICK JOKE #5
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his
patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself,
trying to reassure him:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let
it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave,
you're a vet..."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
Dear Donner,
i don't know
if you have ever notice but you have major orb activitie in your 2003-05
halloween pics. love your site.
~Preciosa
Dear Preciosa,
Hate to rain on your parade, but those supposed
orbs are just that... rain. I speak from experience, I was the one who
took the pictures, I was getting rained on. That's what they are... rain.
Pure and simple. Fact is, 99.999999 percent of all orb photographs are
bullshit. I'm surprised anyone still thinks that dust and rain and breath
are really supernatural. In all the years I've been interested in
parapsychology, there's only been one orb video that I couldn't explain and it's
in the Ghost Gallery under "The Only Orb I'll Show Here."
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
AN OPEN LETTER TO HILLARY CLITON
Dear Hillary,
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?
I understand that you want to be president and set
yourself up as a historical figure. I concur, it's way past time this
country had a female president and if we were to get one out of the current
crop, I would choose you in a heartbeat. The problem is, it's not going to
happen right now, sweetheart, and the longer you keep up this crybaby pony show,
the least likely it will happen in the future.
Seriously, doll, I have lost so much respect for
you in this matter. I'm still a fan and I would still vote on you if you
went up against McSame, but now it would be with some pause because in the last
month, you've gone from being a candidate of change to a candidate that will say
and do anything to get into office. I'm not saying that a woman should not
be ambitious, I find an amitious broad sexy... but come on. You actually
advocated the possible assassination of Barack Obama as a reason you're staying
in the race. Give me a fucking break!
True, you won West Virginia and Kentucky in a
landslide. Of course, if you look at any of the polling interviews, the
main reason you did was because those gap-toothed troglodytes "don't think that
a nigger should be in the White House." So, enjoy your victory there,
Hotlips, and if there are any other racist backwoods tourist raping jug-tooting
Jurassic uneducated morons in the country you want to be proud to represent,
I'll send them your way.
Hillary, baby, you know I love you but it's time
to give it up. You're making too many mistakes and dividing the party,
almost like a little child crying that, "If I can't have it, no one can." and
this bullshit about seating Michigan and Florida? Nuh-uh. No way.
Fuck that. They broke the rules, they knew they broke the rules, and they
shouldn't be counted. Your insistence that they be counted is simply
another reason why you are becoming a dangerous candidate because, like Bush,
apparently the rules mean nothing if you want something bad enough.
Besides, Florida has been fucking up elections for
too goddamned long. They're lucky we even let them stay in the country at
this point.
Babycakes, one last thing... The math is
against you. Math is unbiased, it's unfeeling, and it doesn't care.
It's one thing when the sexists are against you, but when the math swings
against you, it's time to pack it in because in math there is only one truth and
you cannot mask it with bravado and refiguring.
America will have a female president one day and
the odds are very good that it can still be you. Ambition is one thing,
but you are running on blind stupid ambition and if there's ever a time we need
to set personal goals aside for the good of this country, it's now. I
seriously don't believe this nation will prosper or ever survive another four
years of Republican rule... especially from someone who is a carbon copy of that
traitor we've got right now.
Hillary, I'm asking you to do the decent thing and
step aside. Let Obama usher in a new era. Your era will come, you
will be there for it, and we will be there for you. Just have
patience to wait and the wisdom to know when to stop.
Hillary 2016!
Love,
Donner
Next Week! Ten things I love about The
Monster Squad!
George W. Bush is speaking to the Queen of England
about the upcoming election.
"It's gonna be great, Queenie," he says to her,
"We've got two up and coming leaders who are going to take the United States
into a golden age of prosperity and brotherhood and, to commemerizate the
occasion, I'm an going to change the name of our great nation. From now
on, we're going to be called... The Kingdom of America!"
The Queen gives Bush a polite smile, "Mr. Bush,
you cannot be The Kingdom of America because to be a kingdom, it must be
governed by a king and you are not a king, sir."
"Oh," says Bush, a blank stare covering his simian
like face. "Well, in that case, we can be... The Principality of America!"
The Queen again smiled patently, "Mr. Bush, you
cannot be The Principality of America because to be a kingdom, it must be
governed by a prince and you are not a prince, sir."
Bush once again lets this fact sink in. "Oh,
okay... Well, how 'bout we become The Empire of America?"
"Mr. Bush," The Queen replies, getting rather fed
up, "you cannot be The Empire of America because to be a empire, it must be
governed by a emperor and you are not a emperor, sir."
"Well dag-nabbit!" Bush explodes, "What are we
going to call America now if I'm not any one of those things?"
The Queen sighs, "If I were you, I would just keep
calling it a country."
QUICK JOKE #2
There are three tampons walking down the street: a mini, a maxi, and a
super. Which one will be the one to say hello to you?
None! They're all stuck up bitches!
QUICK JOKE #3
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
“Is there anything we can do?” she asks gently.
“This is embarrassing for me,” the man says, “but I have a permanent
erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I
was wondering what you could give me for it?”
“Just a minute,” says the pharmacist, “I’ll go ask my sister.”
After a minute, she comes back out and says, “The best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”
QUICK JOKE #4
A woman walks into a sporting-goods store
and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. “It’s for
my husband,” she explains.
“Did he tell you what caliber to get?” asks the salesman.
“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m gonna shoot him.”
QUICK JOKE #5
The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a
confirmed bachelor for many years.
“Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need.
You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no
time!” says the matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look
after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill
the role of a wife.”
“I said ’two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine.”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
Dear Donner,
Hey Donner,
You are hot. Talk to me, i live by you and see u a lot
~ Carolina
Dear Carolina,
I try and talk to you. I've done everything
from taking your cat to rubbing my genitals on your window. Stop being
such a stuck up bitch!
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
RIP GEORGE CARLIN
I was literally about to start writing this blog
when, being the lazy bastard that I am, I wandered over to Rotten Tomatoes where
I frequently post and saw one of those message headings that hits you in the
stomach like a sucker punch. George Carlin has died.
So, rather than making this a funny post about my
recent trip to Mexico, my surgery, or where the hell I've been for the last two
weeks, I must now endeavor to try and come up with words to pay tribute to a
true counter-culture icon. The hilarious funny little man who spun the
English language like a fine tapestry turning the most mundane and boring words
and phrases into comedy at its most pure.
I mean, damn... this is the man who coined the
seven dirty words. What can you can about a man who actually defined the
seven words you can't say on TV ever?
There's nothing I can say. Compared to
George Carlin, I am an odious amateur, unworthy of notice of the big electron.
Anything puffed up or prefabricated that I try to say about this treasure of the
comedy world will be pitiful so, I will just say this - probably the highest
praise any comedian can ever receive.
George made me laugh and, more than that, be made
me think. Every single time I saw him on stage or heard a track on a CD or
on XM 150, I laughed and I thought about things. My soul and my mind were
opened by his words and they will be open even now that he is gone from us.
George, you were one funny foul-mouthed bastard
and I'll miss you.
Good night, folks.
Monday June 30, 2008
LATEST UPDATES
Amazing Images
Four new galleries in our ever-expanding exhibit of
photos.
Donner's Movie Reviews
Pixar serves up Wall-E and Donner gives
you permission to love it.
The Arcade
Four new games to add more pull to the temptations of procrastination!
You can't resist, so why even bother, you pussy!
Curiosities
Two snakes meet and have lunch, a man loves his wood, ice does something
weird, a tradition of tiny feet, and Will Smith stars in... do what!?
Inventions You Never Knew You Didn't Need
This blooming section of the Crap Factory has almost doubled in size with
today's update! Everything from a 230 mpg car to a devise to keep
rapists away!
Donner's Movie Reviews
New reviews of The Incredible Hulk, You Don't Mess with the Zohan, and a
"better late than never" review of Superhero Movie!
HOMEMADE
ROLLERCOASTER
I want one! I'll probably get massive head injuries, but I
still want one!
HEARTBREAKING VIDEO
The grieving dad from The Sixth Sense gets an even more disturbing
video message.
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced
to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he
agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting.
Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree
when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped
out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my
pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said
roar!”"
QUICK JOKE #2
A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under
his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains.
“What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it
in the truck.”
The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,”
he explains.
“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.
The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”
QUICK JOKE #3
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in
math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said
'6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "Well that's what I said!"
QUICK JOKE #4
Three baseball fans were on their way to a
game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of
the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed
out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and
placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan
took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced
it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and
replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally
when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”
QUICK JOKE #5
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion
tamer, and two young people show up for the tryout. One is a handsome
lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the
same age.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it—this is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or
you’re history. Here’s your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip, and
the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open
her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them
and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth drops to the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a
display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks,
“Can you top that?”
The young man replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
Dear Donner,
I would
really like to hear your thoughts on the band Evanescence, I think it
would be really interesting...if in fact you know who they are. They wrote
"My Immortal" and "Bring Me To Life" not to mention "Call Me When You're
Sober". I'm the biggest Evanescence fan out there and think everyone
should like them...so do you?
~Monica
Dear Monica,
Of course I know who Evanescence is, you silly
small-brained female! I do have a radio. I do listen to music.
For fuck's sake, they're on the airwaves like Rick Roll is on the internet.
Yeah, I like them.
Love,
Donner
Dear Donner,
absolutely
love the site.on the parody space $19.99 part 5 seems to be missing.it
goes from 4 to 6.will it be posted anytime soon and when will the story be
finished?
~Bob MC
Dear Bob MC,
Part five is there. Go look again. As
for finishing it, I last worked on the story in 1999... so no, it doesn't look
like I'll be finishing it unless something dramatic happens to me like stigmata,
ESP, or AIDs.
Love,
Donner
Dear Donner,
While I
really enjoyed the oddities photos section, one caption, for the diamond
mine in Russia, caught my attention:
"The suction above this hole is so great, that several helicopters crashed
as a result of it. Flight above the hole is prohibited now."
You're kidding, right? Constant suction of an air mass that large would
have created a noticeable vortex, don't you think?
Just because there's a large hole in the ground does NOT automatically
mean that there's some mysterious absence of air pressure. If anything,
the pressure is actually higher near the bottom. Sheesh.
~CMack
Dear CMack,
Fly over it in a helicopter then.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE ROTTEN
TOMATOES SCREENWRITER SLAM!
That's right, you cock-gobbling thundercunts!
I - Donner - am the greatest screenwriter on a website you've probably never
heard of!
For the hell of it, Rotten Tomatoes held a
screenwriter's slam and invited all of the users to take part. When the
scripts were in and the votes tallied, who do you think won? Come
on, take a guess.
That's right, I did! Me! The greatest!
Anyway, since I am a lazy bastard and it's already
finished, I give you my winning entry. The theme was "power corrupts" and
my short script is called "Freedom's Enemy." Enjoy!
Freedom's Enemy
by
Jason Donner
BLACK
RUDY (V.O.)
(A young teenager's
squeaky voice with a
Oklahoma twang)
I don't remember much from th' time
before. Daddy use tah tell me
about places called Paris an'
London an' Bangkok and 'bout how
pretty they was even though he'd
never been there. Guess he saw
pictures or saw it on the TV. I'll
never seen 'em neither, I suppose.
They say it upsets the public too
much.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PARIS
The city is in flames. Massive craters dot the city as we
focus on the iconic Eifel Tower, now a mass of ruin, its
supports broken and the steel structure lying in the nearby
river.
RUDY (V.O.)
We never gave 'em a proper name.
Most jus' called 'em the
Destroyers. Brother Fury on the TV
that my Grammy watches says they're
demons.
FADE TO:
EXT. LONDON
Big Ben still stands and amazingly chimes solemnly. Like
Paris, the city is in ruins; the Parliament is completely
destroyed. Fire and smoke reflects in the waters of the
Thames.
RUDY (V.O.)
I don't care what they're called.
I know one thing...
they don't attack us here in
America 'cause we fought 'em back.
We lost New Orleans and Atlanta
doin' it, but we beat them off and
they ain't ever come back.
FADE TO:
EXT. NEW ORLEANS
In what appears to be a rerun of the news, the entire city is
under water again. Levees are broken and umended leaving the
city at the sea's mercy. It looks like this happened some
time ago as the water on Bourbon Street is calm and plant
life is growing along the deserted streets of the French
Quarter.
RUDY (V.O.)
I remember my daddy talkin' about
this hippy on TV sayin' that the
president had ignored the
constitution and made us a military
state to fight illegal wars an'
stuff. You ask me, I think it was
bein' a military state that saved
our asses.
FADE TO:
EXT. A VAST OKLAHOMA PLAIN - NIGHT
Fields of corn blow in the wind as stars twinkle overhead in
the gigantic sky.
RUDY (V.O.)
Now that man's been in office as
long as I've been alive an' my
Grammy thinks he's doin' a good job
too 'cause the Demons... they never
come 'round here. It just happens
in all those other places.
Suddenly, a bright light appears overhead as a large fireball
zooms off towards the horizon.
EXT. A CORNFIELD
The fireball rushes at a shallow angle towards a farmhouse in
the distance.
EXT. THE FARMHOUSE
A very dated structure in need of repair and paint. A rusty
old tractor sits out front. A dog, a yellow labrador, rests
underneath, but stands and begins to bay incessantly. The
fireball rockets over the house, but now we see that it is a
large aircraft of a design not seen on the Earth.
INT. A CHILD'S BEDROOM
The racket startles awake our narrator, RUDY (14), a skinny
red-headed freckled boy. He leaps out of bed and runs to the
window in time to see the glowing vapor trail of the aircraft
lead off into the field behind his house. A large fireball
erupts from where the craft hits.
The house suddenly shakes from the shockwave. On Rudy's
nightstand, a freestanding picture falls onto the floor.
CLOSE ON THE PICTURE
The glass of the picture has been broken, but it is easy to
see that the photo is of Rudy a few years younger and a
FARMER in his 40's. The two are standing in front of the
tractor seen earlier during what must have been its better
days.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM
Rudy enters the room putting on a shirt and shoes as he
walks. He tiptoes around GRAMMY (70's) who is sound asleep
in front of a widescreen LCD television. A minister on the
TV delivers a sermon as Rudy quiety opens a gun cabinet in
the background.
PASTOR
...and we will pray, my friends.
Pray for our president in this time
of great need. Pray for the Hand
of God to smite those demons in the
sky and send them away from our God
given Earth once and for all!
The television audience answers with cries of AMEN! Rudy now
has a rifle and, with great care, begins to load it.
PASTOR
Pray with me now.
(bows)
Dear gracious heavenly father, we
come to you in this hour of need to
ask forgiveness for the sins that
have brought this plague upon us.
Lift us up in your eyes and give
our President, the great leader who
wishes to repel this evil the
strength and power he needs to save
us all. Bless America, father. In
Jesus name...
Rudy is at the door. He quietly opens it, and giving a last
look at the television, finishes the prayer.
RUDY
(Whispers)
Glory be.
EXT. THE FARMHOUSE
RUDY, with gun in hand, marches towards the column of black
smoke in the distance, illuminated by the coming dawn.
RUDY (V.O.)
The Hand of God. Sometimes I
wonder if I look up into the sky if
I can see it or not.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
The beautiful blue and green planet circles below. Circling
the planet are large SPACE CANNONS with American Flags
painted on them. The cannons are pointed away from the
planet and out into space. On the closest, we clearly see
the words "HAND OF GOD #1002"
RUDY (V.O.)
My teacher told me that there's
thousands of them up there. Hell,
I seen a bunch of 'em lift off from
Dallas earlier this year.
Thousands of those things with some
kind of fancy Star trek laser beam
in them. Ready to blast any one of
them space bastards that try and
come in.
EXT. A CORNFIELD
RUDY cuts through the field on his way out to the crash.
RUDY (V.O.)
Wonder if that's why this thing
came down.
Rudy ducks down as he nears the craft. The dog whines and
refuses to go any farther.
RUDY
(Whispers)
Bo, come on.
The dog backs away.
RUDY
(Whispers)
Bo!
The dog turns tail and runs back to the house. Rudy sighs,
but doesn't waste a lot of time watching the cowardly animal
retreat. Instead, he turns back to the massive column of
smoke in front of him and makes his way forward.
The craft is in dozens of pieces. Rudy slides down into the
dirt trench that the alien ship has cut into the cornfield -
a trench that stretches several meters behind him where the
ship went down.
Rudy raises up his gun and points it ahead. Despite the
bravado of his initial run to the ship, the boy is now
terrified as if he didn't look before he leaped. However, he
presses on as if possessed by a higher purpose. Closer and
closer and closer.
Suddenly, from out of the row of corn beside the crash
trench, a black figure stumbles onto Rudy. Rudy screams as
the two of them tumble to the ground, the gun going off
harmlessly into the air. The black figure, humanoid and
horribly burned, lays on the ground. Rudy panics and
scrambles away from it, leaving his gun behind.
EXT. THE CORNFIELD
Rudy races through the corn as fast as he can, stalks of it
striking him in the face. After several yards, he trips and
goes down hard, landing face first in the dirt. He lies
there for a few minutes crying hysterically.
RUDY
(Sobbing)
I'm sorry, Daddy.
Rudy musters the strength and courage to get up. He produces
a folding knife from his pants pocket, takes a deep breath,
and makes his way back to the crash site.
EXT. THE CRASH SITE
Rudy emerges from the corn. He looks at the body lying on
the ground, a burned form almost unrecognizable. It is
clawing at the ground emitting a moan. The creature is in
agony.
At this point, it would be more of a mercy killing than an
act of bravery. Rudy looks again - his rifle is only a few
meters away.
Rudy stalks across the crash trench, never taking his eye off
of the creature writhing in pain. Rudy bends down and takes
his weapon, quickly pointing it at the pitiful invader which
has twisted around and is on its back, its arm outstretched
to Rudy. Rudy, gaining some confidence, steps toward the
demon.
RUDY
(Whispers)
My daddy...
(Confidently, with tears)
My Daddy farmed the shit out of
this land. He may not have been a
fighter pilot. He may not have
fought you sons 'a bitches, but he
probably produced enough ethanol
outta this field to gas up every
one 'a them jets that shot you
fuckers down an' this is for him.
Rudy fires, striking the alien in the chest. Its arm falls
limply to the ground.
Rudy waits a minute, looking for any movement in the creature
before taking some cautious steps forward. He sticks his
foot out and kicks the arm of the dead creature.
Rudy finally puts his gun down and bends down for a closer
look. The creature is wearing a mask. Rudy reaches for it
when suddenly...
A huge gust of wind almost knocks Rudy over. He looks up to
see a futuristic helicopter overhead. Six soldiers leap out
on tethers which, mere feet for the ground, slow their decent
to the point that they just pop off of them one by one and
land on the ground. Each one of them aims a weapon at the
boy.
INT. THE FARMHOUSE
Inside the house, GRAMMY and a GENERAL (50's), an overweight
man of commanding stature and lines on his face betraying his
age, are speaking in the living room.
GRAMMY
My grandson was always a brave one.
Blames those cursed demons for the
death of his father - heart attack
in the field a couple of years
back.
GENERAL
I'm very sorry to hear that.
GRAMMY
He died doin' what he loved and
servin' his country. Maybe not on
the battlefront, but in the only
way he knew how.
Rudy enters with a couple of soldiers from the back room.
Grammy stands awkwardly and walks to him, giving him a great
big hug.
GENERAL
There, you see Rudy? Just a few
questions. Nothing to worry about.
RUDY
General, sir, what was it doin'
here? Those things never fly over
America.
The general bends down and smiles.
GENERAL
You're right son. You want to know
what happened?
Rudy nods.
GENERAL
I'm not supposed to tell anyone
this, but you being a hero and
all...
(Big grin)
The Hand of God happened to him.
RUDY
(Wide-eyed)
Really?
GENERAL
You betcha. Knocked it right out
of orbit with one shot. The
president will be telling the
entire world about it later
tonight. We won't have to worry
about the invaders anymore, son.
Rudy smiles. The General tousles the boy's hair.
GENERAL
My men and I have to get back to
Washington. We can learn a lot
from the pilot you shot. Maybe
even get you a medal from the
president. Would you like that?
Grammy can't contain her joy. She grabs Rudy's shoulders
from behind and shakes him gently.
GRAMMY
Glory be!
RUDY
I'd like that a lot, sir. Man's my
hero.
GENERAL
(Stands and smiles)
Mine too, son. We'll be in touch.
The General turns and leaves. Grammy hugs Rudy as the
General and his men board the helicopter.
FADE TO:
INT. A LABORATORY
The alien pilot is on a metal table in the white and sterile
environment. Several doctors hover around it as The General
watches from an observation room above.
INT. THE OBSERVATION ROOM
The General is alone watching the procedure. Behind him, a
door opens and a man in a suit enters. This is THE PRESIDENT
(60's), a white-haired elderly man, continually scowling.
On his left breast pocket there is an American flag pin with
a cross on top of it.
GENERAL
Mr. President.
The president turns to his SECRET SERVICE AGENTS at the door.
They nod and shut it, leaving the two men in private.
PRESIDENT
How bad was it?
GENERAL
Not bad at all, sir. We had a
citizen - fourteen year old - take
care of it for us.
PRESIDENT
God bless the second amendment.
Anymore surprises in your ranks?
GENERAL
No sir. The ones who know what's
going on are in lockdown until go
time. After that, it won't matter.
PRESIDENT
I want to move up the timetable.
Are we ready?
The General looks at him.
GENERAL
We are, sir.
PRESIDENT
Then get it done. I'll address the
world. Let them know things have
changed.
The president leaves. The general looks down into the
operation theater where the doctors have just removed the
creature's helmet... revealing a perfectly human pilot with a
USAF tattoo on his cheek.
RUDY (V.O.)
...and that's how it began.
INT. THE FARMHOUSE
RUDY and his GRAMMY are watching THE PRESIDENT speak on
television. Both of them seem perfectly happy with what is
going on.
RUDY (V.O.)
The president told us that the
invaders had been destroyed and
that they wouldn't be causin'
problems for us on Earth no more.
But, he said, The Hand of God was
too useful to just leave up there
and, besides, you never know where
the next threat will come from.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
The space cannons that make up The Hand of God slowly turn
from facing away from the Earth to aiming their cannons
directly at Earth.
RUDY (V.O.)
Now nobody's gotta die because
we're safe. That's how our America
gave us peace.
CUT TO BLACK:
RUDY (V.O.)
Praise be.
THE END
