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Sunday June 1, 2008

RIP HARVEY KORMAN I had dozens of clips to choose from, but this one from Blazing Saddles has to be my favorite. RIP DICK MARTIN Dan and Dick at their classic bit on Laugh In.  Good night, Dick. RIP ALEXANDER COURAGE The man who gave us the classic Trek theme.  Man, it sucks to do three of these in one week. BUMBLEBEE vs. OPTIMUS PRIME Excellent stop motion in which the shrimpiest Autobot takes on the big boss. BILL O'REILLY FREAK OUT REMIX The awesome Bill O'Reilly meltdown set to music.  How excellent is this? MARIO MUSIC When I think of all the free time that must have went into this all I can decide is that the Japanese have too much of it.  Still, it's amazing. SOUSAPHOWNED This annoying little shit had this coming. ALICE Elctro-musician Pongo has created this video exclusively sampling Alice in Wonderland.  Trippy... er. REPUBLICAN TALKING HEAD OWNED Radio host Kevin James on MSNBC's Hardball with Chris Matthews is exposed as the empty-headed prick he is. CAT ON ICE Aw, the poor kitty can't understand what's wrong. COKE AD FOR THE DEAF/BLIND If America didn't have such a stick up its ass, I could totally see this work. BABY SINGS "HEY JUDE" This is goddamned adorable!  A million times more entertaining than the "Across the Universe" movie.

QUICK JOKE #1

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

QUICK JOKE #2

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and see the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him.

"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again" she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch.. when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundred..."

QUICK JOKE #3

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

QUICK JOKE #4

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”

“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”

So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

“What do you have there?” he asked.

“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.

Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.” 

QUICK JOKE #5

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a vet..." 

GOT JOKE?

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Dear Preciosa,

Hate to rain on your parade, but those supposed orbs are just that... rain.  I speak from experience, I was the one who took the pictures, I was getting rained on.  That's what they are... rain.  Pure and simple.  Fact is, 99.999999 percent of all orb photographs are bullshit.  I'm surprised anyone still thinks that dust and rain and breath are really supernatural.  In all the years I've been interested in parapsychology, there's only been one orb video that I couldn't explain and it's in the Ghost Gallery under "The Only Orb I'll Show Here."

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

AN OPEN LETTER TO HILLARY CLITON

Dear Hillary,

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

I understand that you want to be president and set yourself up as a historical figure.  I concur, it's way past time this country had a female president and if we were to get one out of the current crop, I would choose you in a heartbeat.  The problem is, it's not going to happen right now, sweetheart, and the longer you keep up this crybaby pony show, the least likely it will happen in the future.

Seriously, doll, I have lost so much respect for you in this matter.  I'm still a fan and I would still vote on you if you went up against McSame, but now it would be with some pause because in the last month, you've gone from being a candidate of change to a candidate that will say and do anything to get into office.  I'm not saying that a woman should not be ambitious, I find an amitious broad sexy... but come on.  You actually advocated the possible assassination of Barack Obama as a reason you're staying in the race.  Give me a fucking break!

True, you won West Virginia and Kentucky in a landslide.  Of course, if you look at any of the polling interviews, the main reason you did was because those gap-toothed troglodytes "don't think that a nigger should be in the White House."  So, enjoy your victory there, Hotlips, and if there are any other racist backwoods tourist raping jug-tooting Jurassic uneducated morons in the country you want to be proud to represent, I'll send them your way.

Hillary, baby, you know I love you but it's time to give it up.  You're making too many mistakes and dividing the party, almost like a little child crying that, "If I can't have it, no one can." and this bullshit about seating Michigan and Florida?  Nuh-uh.  No way.  Fuck that.  They broke the rules, they knew they broke the rules, and they shouldn't be counted.  Your insistence that they be counted is simply another reason why you are becoming a dangerous candidate because, like Bush, apparently the rules mean nothing if you want something bad enough.

Besides, Florida has been fucking up elections for too goddamned long.  They're lucky we even let them stay in the country at this point.

Babycakes, one last thing...  The math is against you.  Math is unbiased, it's unfeeling, and it doesn't care.  It's one thing when the sexists are against you, but when the math swings against you, it's time to pack it in because in math there is only one truth and you cannot mask it with bravado and refiguring.

America will have a female president one day and the odds are very good that it can still be you.  Ambition is one thing, but you are running on blind stupid ambition and if there's ever a time we need to set personal goals aside for the good of this country, it's now.  I seriously don't believe this nation will prosper or ever survive another four years of Republican rule... especially from someone who is a carbon copy of that traitor we've got right now.

Hillary, I'm asking you to do the decent thing and step aside.  Let Obama usher in a new era.  Your era will come, you will be there for it, and we will be there for you.   Just have patience to wait and the wisdom to know when to stop.

Hillary 2016!

Love,
Donner

Next Week!  Ten things I love about The Monster Squad!

	DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Indiana Jones, There Will be Blood, and
	THE CRAP FACTORY New Amazing Images and Curiosities!

Yoinks and away!

Friday June 6, 2008

RIP BO DIDDLEY The one and only classic Bo. SMARTBEEP COMMERCIAL This commercial is freakin' hilarious. TRANSFORMERS GO HOLLYWOOD Megatron and Optimus Prime reunite with a less-famous friend. IRON MAN MEETS BATMAN Iron Man and Batman go head to head in their similarities and differences. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? A poor woman runs into a communication problem. DARBY FOOTBALL PRANK The mastermind behind this prank was suspended from school for three days.  If I were the principal, I would have bought him a beer! GOODBYE TO THE NORMALS A small British boy informs his parents that he's running away to America. EVERY CUSS WORD WE KNOW A goddamned music video dedicated to the fine fucking art of cussing like a bitch. FLIGHT OF THE CONCORDS: THE HUMANS ARE DEAD A musical number about robots killing humanity. TRAIN COMING THROUGH! Apparently, real estate is somewhat hard to come by in Thailand! BUSH vs. ZOMBIES The newest threat in the war on terror is terrifying; the undead! The press conference reveals it all. HAND SHADOW SHOW Some amazing things are done with just a pair of hands and a light.

QUICK JOKE #1

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!"

The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

QUICK JOKE #2

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."

Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

QUICK JOKE #3

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispers to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” explains the mother.

The child thinks about this for a moment, and then says, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

QUICK JOKE #4

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”

Only one word leapt to mind…

“My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?” 

QUICK JOKE #5

On a hot summer day, two nuns—both young and beautiful—are working in the church library putting away books.

After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be OK if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?"

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be OK. She locks the door and closes the curtains. The two nuns take off their shirts and keep working.

Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first nun.

"It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door.

"Well, a blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun says.

They open the door. "Wow," says the blind man, "nice tits! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to set these blinds?" 

GOT JOKE?

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Dear Donner, I regret to inform you that no one in West Virginia is a gap-toothed troglodyte like you said in your little letter, now i formally request that you remove this slander of West Virginia from your site immediately!  ~zachtaz

Dear zachtaz,

You are absolutely right and I apologize.  It takes two of something to make a gap and to call someone a gap-toothed troglodyte would have to imply that West Virginians have the mental capacity to use a toothbrush and keep the teeth they have.

Incidentally, in print... it's libel, not slander.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

 

TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE MONSTER SQUAD

I watched this movie for the first time in about twenty years the other day and loved it just like I did when I was a kid.  This is a welcome change as watching childhood favorites often destroys childhood memories.  To commemorate this event, I give you ten reasons why this movie kicks ass.

#10.  Totally Eighties!

There were things in the eighties that you could get away with that you just can’t get away with anymore. For instance, for a supposed family movie, Monster Squad has some pretty rampant swearing with the s-word getting tossed around like a hacky sack amongst the poor impressionable youngsters. Even five year-old Phoebe gets in on the four-letter action.

Secondly, the homophobia. The glorious homophobia! Unthinkable by today’s standards, the movie has two homophobic references by twelve year-olds in ten minutes. You may think that I’m glorifying homophobia here or something, but it just makes the movie dialogue seem more real… as real as a movie about Dracula, the Wolf-Man, and Frankenstein can get,.

Thirdly, how awesome is it to have a 14 year old on a bike smoking cigarettes? You know the kid’s a badass if he has greasy black hair, sunglasses, and is sucking on a cancerstick while riding his Huffy. Badass.

Fourthly, the musical montage while the children are arming themselves. Rock until you drop. Dance until your feet fall off. Least we not forget the totally tubular Monster Squad Rap that closes the movie.

Swearing, homophobia, bike-riding ciggy smokers, and musical montages. You don’t get much more eighties than this.

#9. Eugene!

This poor kid is just a therapy case waiting to happen.

A minor character at best, Eugene is a younger brother of one of the squad members, but we never really learn which one. In the movie, his closet is invaded by the Mummy for some unknown reason and his dad doesn’t believe him or even look into the closet despite opening the door and mocking his son. What an asshole!

Secondly, when the monster invasion begins in full force, the Creature from the Black Lagoon steals his twinkie. His twinkie! For God’s sake, it takes a twinkie from a five year old kid! When Eugene asks a fellow member of the Monster Squad for help, what do they do? They don’t believe him. They know there are monsters running around, but when it comes to the Creature stealing a Twinkie apparently, that's just too silly. What assholes.

What does this kid do? He's the only one in the movie with a brain cell in his head! He calls the army with a letter written entirely in crayon. This kid kicks ass but never gets his due.

Assholes.

#8.  Phoebe and Frankie!

Note how I refuse to call him “Frankenstein” because that’s not his goddamned name! Also, I’m not supposed to call him a monster either so…

One of the more endearing elements of this movie is little Phoebe’s relationship to the huge hulking brute who stumbles into their mists and becomes the Squad’s friend. Who doesn’t love a story of a cute little kid who falls in love with a gigantic retard? It’s like Lindsey Lohan and that douchebag from That 70’s Show (I’ll leave you to interpret that as you will).

Anyways, the relationship between Phoebe and the Mongoloid is the sweetest thing in the film. It starts off with a very subtle and somewhat disturbing ode to the original Frankenstein movie where you’re not sure if Frankie’s going to befriend the girl or pound her into a clump of paste, but by the end of the movie you’re bawling your eyes out as the two say goodbye to each other and the movie fucking tears our hearts out.

Its sucks that Frankie has to spend eternity in Hell, but at least he has a stuffed doggie. I wonder how long it was before he raped it out of boredom.

#7.  Gill Man!

When it comes to the classic Universal Monsters, you immediately think of the heavy hitters – Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, Mummy, and Wolf Man. If you think of the B-List monsters, The Creature from the Black Lagoon is there along with the Phantom of the Opera and the Hunchback. Less than scary, he’s always looked to me like he was ready to kiss you more than he was ready to kill you. The poofy little featherweight of the Monster domain.

In Monster Squad, the Creature becomes Gill Man and, let me tell you little kiddies, he’s a bad mother in this movie. Gone are the kissing lips, replaced with the teeth of a shark and clawed hands than can turn an expendable sheriff's deputy’s skill into numerous fragments; some large, some small.

The Wolf Man may find his defeat in a silver bullet, but you need a more powerful weapon to take down Gill Man… and that weapon’s name is Horace.

#6.  The Quest for a Virgin

You’ve got to love the spit take. You tell someone something unexpected and they react by spitting their drink out. This happens twice in The Monster squad and both involving the search for something essential to make the ceremony work… a virgin!

Rudy is sitting in a diner being all cool and checking out the talent when the boys enter and ask if they can ask him a question. Rudy agrees and drinks a large swig of Pepsi (the choice of a new generation) and when he’s asked, “Do you know any virgins?” he spits it out in shock.

Here’s what I don’t understand… Rudy does know virgins. Tons of them. He’s in a club with them! Does he honestly believe that Eugene and Fat Kid have ever scored? I would be willing to bet that Rudy has never so much as touched a breast in his life and yet the mammoth macho machismo that these boys put forth won’t allow them to admit, “all right, I’ll read it.” Look like a looser or let the world descend into darkness. It’s nice to see that they all risk our well-being so that they not appear virginal. Jackasses.

It’s only though a blind turn of events that they manage to find a virgin at all. Frankie accidentally takes a picture of a girl undressing who just happens to be Patrick’s sister. When Rudy gets the film developed is shocked enough to do another spit take and bring the naked picture to the club house. This is where the disturbing part comes in… in the next scene, Frankie is looking at the picture and the boys are all leaping up to grab it and look to. First of all, it’s gross enough that Patrick is trying to get an eye full of his naked sister, but Phoebe is also leaping up trying to see. Phoebe!

Who’s not trying to look? Eugene… apparently, seeing those young boys jump up and down in those tight eighties jeans are enough for him.

So, Rudy and Patrick summon Patrick’s older sister to the clubhouse where they ask her if she’s ever “been dorked,” a failed attempt by this movie to generate new slang – at least I’ve never heard anyone use it in this manner. Apparently, “laid” was a much stronger force.

The sister is disgusted and gets ready to leave when Rudy pulls out his ace card, a glossy and probably slightly sticky picture of her naked and threatens to put it up on the school bulletin board. No choice now… the virgin has been secured.

Or has she?

In the midst of the final battle, Patrick’s Sister reads the incantation and nothing happens. “Where’s Limbo?” Patrick moans, “You’re not a virgin, are you?” The sister replies, “Well, Steve… but he doesn’t count!”

The world is going to end because a bunch of guys are too macho to admit being virgins and a girl is too prissy to admit being a slut.

Who saves the say?

EUGENE! He points at Phoebe and in his cutest voice asks, “Is she a version?”

With all this incestuous behavior and homoeroticism, she’d better goddamned jolly well be a virgin!

#5.  It's Only a Flesh Wound!

Point of contention? Is a silver bullet the only way to kill a werewolf? The Monster Squad brings up several options including old age, car crash, accident with power tools, and atomic bomb; but is a silver bullet the only way?

The movie puts this theory to the test when - in breaking with the usual "kids must face evil alone" cliche - Sean's badass cop father joins in the climactic fight by riding in on a police car, blowing Dracula/Bat out of the sky with a gun, and then going in - not with a pistol but with a STICK OF MOTHERFUCKING DYNAMITE - to finish the job.

I have to back up a moment and explain that Sean's daddy is using a stick of motherfucking dynamite because his partner, Expendible Black Man, was blown up by Dracula several moments before.

Anyway, Sean's daddy goes upstairs and finds an injured half man/half bat writing in agony and just when he's going to get sweet sweet justice and deliver that dish best served cold, who should show up? None other than the Wolf-Man.

Of course, the Wolf-Man wails on poor old dad until Sean distracts his lycatropic foe with a blow to the head with a shovel. It's then that the silver bullet theory is put to the test when daddy sticks the lit stick of dynamite right down Wolfie's pants right next to his wolf dork and throws him out the window where he FUCKING EXPLODES and showers the street with werewolf parts and ass.

Dilemma solved. There is more than one way tooooooooo WAIT A MINUTE!

Wolf-Man, blown into a million pieces and resting on the street below, suddenly WAKES UP and then smooshes back together and jumps into the fight without so much as a limp!

Jesus, that's hardcore.

#4.  The Clubhouse

How freakin’ sweet was this place? Built in a tree, overlooking a swamp, and resembling the starship Serenity. You’d think that a place like this would be a dangerous place for youngsters, but the Monster Squad calls this awesome place home. What amenities does it have? A strict no-girls policy for one. Now, I know that you guys out there are rolling your eyes at that one, but there’s a no-girls policy for a reason and that is the view of Patrick’s sister changing.

Seriously, these kids are peeping tom pervos. They’ve got binoculars and a camera continually pointed at this poor girl’s room. Does Patrick ever voice a negative opinion about this? Considering his reaction to a naked picture of his sister later in the movie, there’s just an entire layer of ugliness there that I don’t even want to touch.

But back on topic. You want to know what Dracula does when he wants to hurt the little shits that are fucking up his plan? Does he kill them? Does he rip out their parent’s entrails and feed them to the Wolf-Man? Does he make prank phone calls or steal their homework. No, friends, he hits them where it hurts… he blows up the clubhouse.

That is so fucking low.

#3.  Dangerous Dracula

As I’ve stated before, this is a Dracula that doesn’t fuck around and I will go on record right here and right now that Duncan Regehr turns in one hell of a performance. Probably not the best Dracula, but at least in the top ten.

Seriously, stop fucking laughing.

There’s always an air of deadly seriousness around this aristocratic interpretation and, what’s worst, this Dracula is a believer in a purpose bigger than he is and, like a religious fanatic, it turns him into a very dangerous and driven individual.

Take into consideration the climax of the movie. Dracula picks up little five year-old Pheobe by the HEAD and holds her in the air commanding, “Give me the amulet, you BITCH!!!”

It takes a seriously fucked up individual to call a five year-old a bitch. Brat, sure… but bitch? That’s evil.

#2. The Little Rascals

I once read somewhere that this movie was originally conceived as The Little Rascals meet The Universal Monsters and, knowing that, I present the following…

         

That's right, folks, your beloved Monster Squad is nothing more than a Little Rascals movie in color with more swearing.

#1. Wolf-Man's Got Nards!

You probably saw this coming from a mile away: the most quoted line in the movie and the answer to the age old question of whether the Wolf Man had a pair of testicles or not. Personally, I don’t understand why this is such a mystery… I mean, if he didn’t have gonads, they wouldn’t call him Wolf-Man. He’d just be a really hairy beast with no balls. You know, like Rosie O’Donnell.

Anyway, this was a rolling on the floor moment in the movie when Fat Kid, after kicking Wolf-Man in the mommy-daddy button declares almost reverently, “Wolf-Man has nards!”

There may only be one way to kill a werewolf, but there is also one way to really hurt him.

THE ARCADE I've added a brand new war/strategy game.  Go check it out.  I command you.

Cue that crappy eighties rap music!

Monday June 23, 2008

RIP GEORGE CARLIN I am so depressed now.  We've lost an absolute gem of a comedian.  A world treasure. RIP STAN WINSTON A look at just how influential an artist that Stan was and what a great loss to Hollywood his death is. RIP TIM RUSSERT A BBC look at how important a newsman that America has lost. N-WORD FOR THE WHITE GUY When can white people say the n-word without getting a beatdown. CEREAL MASCOT THERAPY Your favorite characters learn to think outside the back of the box. PIMP MY AUTOBOT Zach pimps out the ultimate automobile. SIMBA Classic clip from The Carol Burnett Show. HERE COMES DR. TRAN You've seen all of his films. You bought all of his merchandise. You made him America's #1 action star. Make way for Dr. Tran! TIM MINCHIN Good song. SNAKE SELLS OUT For those of us who needs a gratuitous amount of energy. AIR JELLY A rather unique and beautiful flying machine... kind of useless, though. EPIC FAIL Wow, the world can be a tremendously stupid place sometimes. BACK TO THE FUTURE OUTTAKES Funny bloopers from the classic movie that I have never seen.

QUICK JOKE #1

George W. Bush is speaking to the Queen of England about the upcoming election.

"It's gonna be great, Queenie," he says to her, "We've got two up and coming leaders who are going to take the United States into a golden age of prosperity and brotherhood and, to commemerizate the occasion, I'm an going to change the name of our great nation.  From now on, we're going to be called... The Kingdom of America!"

The Queen gives Bush a polite smile, "Mr. Bush, you cannot be The Kingdom of America because to be a kingdom, it must be governed by a king and you are not a king, sir."

"Oh," says Bush, a blank stare covering his simian like face.  "Well, in that case, we can be... The Principality of America!"

The Queen again smiled patently, "Mr. Bush, you cannot be The Principality of America because to be a kingdom, it must be governed by a prince and you are not a prince, sir."

Bush once again lets this fact sink in.  "Oh, okay... Well, how 'bout we become The Empire of America?"

"Mr. Bush," The Queen replies, getting rather fed up, "you cannot be The Empire of America because to be a empire, it must be governed by a emperor and you are not a emperor, sir."

"Well dag-nabbit!" Bush explodes, "What are we going to call America now if I'm not any one of those things?"

The Queen sighs, "If I were you, I would just keep calling it a country."

QUICK JOKE #2

There are three tampons walking down the street: a mini, a maxi, and a super.  Which one will be the one to say hello to you?

None!  They're all stuck up bitches!

QUICK JOKE #3

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

“Is there anything we can do?” she asks gently.

“This is embarrassing for me,” the man says, “but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

“Just a minute,” says the pharmacist, “I’ll go ask my sister.”

After a minute, she comes back out and says, “The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

QUICK JOKE #4

A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she explains.

“Did he tell you what caliber to get?” asks the salesman.

“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m gonna shoot him.” 

QUICK JOKE #5

The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

“Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the matchmaker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ’two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine.” 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Carolina,

I try and talk to you.  I've done everything from taking your cat to rubbing my genitals on your window.  Stop being such a stuck up bitch!

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

RIP GEORGE CARLIN

I was literally about to start writing this blog when, being the lazy bastard that I am, I wandered over to Rotten Tomatoes where I frequently post and saw one of those message headings that hits you in the stomach like a sucker punch.  George Carlin has died.

So, rather than making this a funny post about my recent trip to Mexico, my surgery, or where the hell I've been for the last two weeks, I must now endeavor to try and come up with words to pay tribute to a true counter-culture icon.  The hilarious funny little man who spun the English language like a fine tapestry turning the most mundane and boring words and phrases into comedy at its most pure.

I mean, damn... this is the man who coined the seven dirty words.  What can you can about a man who actually defined the seven words you can't say on TV ever?

There's nothing I can say.  Compared to George Carlin, I am an odious amateur, unworthy of notice of the big electron.  Anything puffed up or prefabricated that I try to say about this treasure of the comedy world will be pitiful so, I will just say this - probably the highest praise any comedian can ever receive.

George made me laugh and, more than that, be made me think.  Every single time I saw him on stage or heard a track on a CD or on XM 150, I laughed and I thought about things.  My soul and my mind were opened by his words and they will be open even now that he is gone from us.

George, you were one funny foul-mouthed bastard and I'll miss you.

Good night, folks.

Monday June 30, 2008

LATEST UPDATES Amazing Images Four new galleries in our ever-expanding exhibit of photos. Donner's Movie Reviews Pixar serves up Wall-E and Donner gives you permission to love it. The Arcade Four new games to add more pull to the temptations of procrastination!  You can't resist, so why even bother, you pussy! Curiosities Two snakes meet and have lunch, a man loves his wood, ice does something weird, a tradition of tiny feet, and Will Smith stars in... do what!? Inventions You Never Knew You Didn't Need This blooming section of the Crap Factory has almost doubled in size with today's update!  Everything from a 230 mpg car to a devise to keep rapists away! Donner's Movie Reviews New reviews of The Incredible Hulk, You Don't Mess with the Zohan, and a "better late than never" review of Superhero Movie!

HOMEMADE ROLLERCOASTER I want one!  I'll probably get massive head injuries, but I still want one! HEARTBREAKING VIDEO The grieving dad from The Sixth Sense gets an even more disturbing video message. McCAIN DIDN'T LOVE AMERICA UNTIL... There, now can we shut the fuck up about Michelle Obama's out of context remark? TALKING PHOTO BOOTH Guests at Universal Studios are duped into thinking that they are in a voice activated photo booth. VANISHING DOOR PRANK Unwitting people are led to believe that they are opening the wrong door... when they aren't. LITTLE SUPERSTAR Jesus Christ!  What the HELL is this creepy thing? HOME SHOPPING DIPSHIT This is what happens when you use your cue cards and not your brain. NUM-WHAT? A spelling bee contestant is given an unusual word. PREDICTIVE TEXT SWEARING The reason why texting doesn't let you swear. STRUCK BY LIGHTNING The moral of the story: don't film during a lightning storm! ICE DISCOVERED ON MARS A gigantic discovery from the Mars Phoenix Lander.  Could the discovery of life be around the corner? SELF CLEANING TOILET An unexpected downside to this handy little potty.

QUICK JOKE #1

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”"

QUICK JOKE #2

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.

“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”

“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”

The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.

“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.

The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”

QUICK JOKE #3

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?"

The boys says, "Well that's what I said!"

QUICK JOKE #4

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.” 

QUICK JOKE #5

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people show up for the tryout. One is a handsome lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it—this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth drops to the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.” 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Monica,

Of course I know who Evanescence is, you silly small-brained female!  I do have a radio.  I do listen to music.  For fuck's sake, they're on the airwaves like Rick Roll is on the internet.

Yeah, I like them.

Love,
Donner

Dear Bob MC,

Part five is there.  Go look again.  As for finishing it, I last worked on the story in 1999... so no, it doesn't look like I'll be finishing it unless something dramatic happens to me like stigmata, ESP, or AIDs.

Love,
Donner