ARCHIVE

Wednesday, May 1, 2008

FACEBOOK IN REAL LIFE What would life be like if everyone used Facebook rules? CAR FUCKERS Wonder what goes on when you leave your car at the mechanics? The Kids in the Hall have the answer. WHO'S ON STAGE? Animaniacs was a great show and this clip represents the absolute height of its greatness. EMO RANGERS Presenting the first super team that cries the bad guys away. THE BEST OF GI JOE PSA's All of the best warped GI Joe PSA's in one convenient video. WHAT DID THE RUGBY PLAYER DO? Rugby is known as one of the more violent sports on the planet, so what do you have to do to get suspended from it? OOPS! A rocket launcher slightly malfunctions and causes some funny to happen. CAT HERDERS Old commercial, but still as funny and amazing as it was when it first aired. TERMINATOR vs. ROBOCOP Nice fan video using existing footage creatively edited together. HONEST COLLEGE AD If only my college had been so forthcoming. PARALLEL UNIVERSES Turns out that Sliders might not be so science fictiony after all. FUCK THE EARTH DAY Earth Day is for liberal hippie douches. Here's the far superior alternative.

QUICK JOKE #1

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

QUICK JOKE #2

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"

"It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far…ten gallons."

QUICK JOKE #3

A little boy was walking down the street with a roll of duct tape when an old man saw him. The man asked, "Hey son, what do you plan on doing with that roll of duct tape?"

The kid replied, "I am going to catch some ducks, sir."

"You are not going to catch any ducks with that," the old man said. About 20 minutes later, the boy came back with a sack of ducks.

The next day, the kid walks by with a roll of chicken wire.

The old man asked, "Hey son, what do you plan on doing with the chicken wire?"

"Catch me some chickens, sir," replied the boy.

The old man said, "You are not catching any chicken with that." About 20 minutes later, the boy walked by with a sack of chickens.

The next day, the boy walked by the old man's house with a pussy willow. The old man said, "Hey son, hold on—let me get my jacket. I'm coming with you!"

QUICK JOKE #4

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…you know what?”

“What, dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“You’re bad luck! Get the fuck away from me.” 

QUICK JOKE #5

A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, “We’re gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I’ll be the daddy.”

“OK,” his cellmate says, “then get over here and suck mommy’s dick." 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Chris,

Thanks for the heads up, but I cannot pick up a bible without it bursting into flames in my hands.  You know Acts 34:2?  Thou shalt not nit pick a joke section!

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

DONNER PRESENTS: THE BEST DISNEY DEATHS or HOW TO TRAUMATIZE CHILDREN FOR LIFE AND GET AWAY SCOT FUCKING FREE

10. The Ape Baby from Tarzan -  I wasn’t expecting to like Tarzan that much. It’s kind of an overdone story. However, when Disney’s animated tale about Tarzan opened with a very large jaguar chasing, attacking, and then eating a sweet and innocent little baby ape in front of the little ape’s shocked parents… this movie earned my immediate respect. Since then, I have fervently pushed the idea of seeing more cute and innocent things killed in kid’s cartoons.

9. Rourke from Atlantis: The Lost Empire -  You’ve got to hand it Rourke. Not only was he a mean sumbitch, but he also just didn’t know when to quit… and by quit, I mean die. Check this, peeps. First, this guy is like, totally wailing and beating the crap out of Milo and he’s thinking, “Hey, I’m going to win this and be home in no time to beat my wife too!” and then, STAB! Milo stabs him with an enchanted crystal shard and, before you can say “MAVERICK!” Rourke transmogrifies into a big crystal himself. 

Now, at this point, you’d figure that any self-respecting villain would have just thrown in the towel and said, “all right, fuck it. I’m a crystal now!” But not Rourke. No, this bastard just keeps on fighting and doesn’t stop until he’s CHOPPED UP IN A PROPELLER!!! That’s right, kids. Disney, the home of classic children’s animation killed a character by chopping him up with a propeller.

I don’t have a problem with that, but couldn’t they have just left Rourke a crystal and left the propeller fate for that fucking monkey in Dinosaur?

8. Mufasa from The Lion King -  Definitely the saddest death in Disney history belongs to the regal king of the Pridelands and all of 2D animation (fuck this Kimba the Lion shit!).

What’s so great about Mufasa’s death is that, the moment that Scar betrays him, you can almost see the words, “oh, shit!” come out of his mouth. As a matter of fact, if the camera hadn’t been doing a closeup of Mufasa’s eyes during Scar’s “long live the king” line, you can be certain that he was silently mouthing those words. It’s one of Disney’s closest kept secrets.

Supposedly, there’s a bootleg somewhere of Mufasa screaming “SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!” as he falls, but it’s about as hard to find as a cut of that Transformers movie where the character says “Oh shit.”

It’s the truth! And if you don’t believe me, may God strike me dowwhjio[‘pagw...

7. Sykes from Oliver & Company - How awesome was this asshole’s death? It starts off with a brilliant kidnapping where he uses a cat… a cat to take a rich little girl hostage. Now, this guy is obviously a criminal mastermind and a tenacious badguy as, even as the little girl makes her escape he pursues her and her doggie friends in a high-speed chase across the city and into the subway system. This is a guy who’s eye is so totally on the ball that he DRIVES HIS CAR onto SUBWAY TRACKS!

So, this guy is dangerous, he’s fearless, and he’s obviously brilliant… but what is his undoing? Not watching where he was freakin’ going!

He started out as a brilliant criminal, but Syke’s ended his life as a smear thanks to the good people at the NYC Subway System!

Thank you, Subway!

6. Ratigan's Lackey from The Great Mouse Detective - This particular death proves one thing and one thing only. Ratigan’s a bastard and hates being called a rat. All right, so it proves two things. Nevertheless, you’ve got to feel sorry for this dumb bastard who Ratigan offs just for calling him a rat.

First of all, the poor little guy is drunk and obviously doesn’t know what he’s doing and, worst of all, doesn’t know that Ratigan’s cat is about to eat him. As a matter of fact, this drunken dumbass continues to sing as he’s lowered into the kitty’s jaws and probably continued to sing until his vocal cords were dissolved by stomach acid that tasted like 9 Lives.

And you know that the lackey’s troubles didn’t end there. You see, I’ve always thought that if you die drunk you show up to heaven drunk. Would you like to explain to St. Peter why you’re drunk?

Maybe he went to Hell instead and it wasn’t so bad. After all, Hell would be a place where it would be smart to be a little tipsy.

5. Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty - Maleficent is probably Disney’s premiere badass and, as a badass, this badass got a badass death. Transforming herself into a giant fire-breathing dragon with “all the powers of Hell!” as she puts it herself, she puts herself right between Prince Phillip and the castle that holds that sleepy ass he hopes so desperately to tap.

There’s a pretty awesome fight that finally turns Phillip’s way when the magical fairy godmother things enchant his sword and he chunks it at the dragon and nails that fire-breathing bitch right in the chest and kills her.

You know what was coolest about this death? Disney has the long-lived cliché of killing bad guys by having them fall to their death as to absolve the good guys from murdering anyone. Not here… Phillip can go wake up Sleeping Beauty look at her square in the eye and say, “yep… I kilt ‘dat bitch.”

And then she would service him orally, the manly dragonslaying swordchucker he is.

4. Clayton from Tarzan - Clayton was kind of an asshole so it wasn’t a huge tragedy when he died, but it was helluva awesome.

All right, so Clayton’s pissed off at Tarzan who has foiled his attempts to kill every single animal in the Congo so that Clayton can place their heads on his wall or something. Now, I’m a little fuzzy on how exactly they got up into the trees since it’s been a couple of years since I sat down and watched this movie, but they’re in the trees and Clayton and Tarzan are all fighting.

Clayton is like, “Hey, I’m Clayton and I’m gonna kick your ass!”

And Tarzan is all like, “Look at my nipples!”

And then they fall and, while falling, Clayton gets a vine wrapped around his neck and hangs himself with a very satisfying SNAP!

Now, it’s interesting to note that many people thought that Tarzan tried to warn Clayton about his upcoming demise by shouting out “Clayton!” What isn’t known is that Tarzan’s entire line was “Clayton! I… HAVE HAD… ENOUGH OF… YOU!!!”

However, Disney execs thought that this made Tarzan look like an asshole so they cut the rest of the line.

True story.

3. The Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - In a way, the Queen set the bar for evil characters getting killed off in Disney movies by falling but her fall in particular was a thing of fucking beauty.

Picture this and tell me if you don’t think it belongs in a Monty Python movie. The Queen disguises herself as an old hag and poisons Snow White. The dwarves come home and they’re all like, “Shit! Now we have to do our own dishes!”

Now, the dwarves are pissed off and go after the old hag. The hag goes up on a cliff to push a boulder onto the dwarves. Mind you, this is an evil magical queen who transformed herself into an old hag and conjured up a deadly poison. Basically, this is a chick who could probably boil your testicles inside your scrotum by just looking at them and what does she do? She tries to push a big rock on her pursuers.

But hey, you can’t really fault her. She’s using what’s convenient.

However, God doesn’t like two things about this woman. First, she’s evil and secondly, she’s not in a kitchen. God strikes down the old hag with a lightning bolt from above and, screaming, she falls off the cliff.

But that’s not the end of it, ladies and gentlemen, the boulder… the same fucking boulder that she was trying to push onto the dwarves FALLS ON TOP OF HER AND CRUSHES HER!!!

So, the Queen is dead having been electrocuted, splattered, and then crushed. THEN the dwarves show up ready to kick her ass.

This begs the question… did they abuse the corpse after she was already dead? You know that Grumpy would have because he’s just a bastard. Bashful would have because he could do things to a corpse that he couldn’t do with a live person. Dopey just wouldn’t know better. Next thing you know, you’ve got Seven dwarves kicking and pissing on a dead body.

Sometimes, it’s the things that a movie leaves to the imagination that really makes a death truly memorable.

2. Scar from The Lion King - Scar’s death follows what has to be the most awesome fight scene in Disney history. Scar and Simba face off in a slow motion sissy slap fight and, when it’s over, Scar falls off of Pride Rock.

However, in a great Disney twist, Scar does not fall to his death as so many other Disney villains have. Instead he actually survives the fall unscathed. Well, of course, this upsets him. He’s not the king anymore and you know the first thing going through his mind is revenge. “Yep, I’m going to totally kill Simba in the sequel,” he thinks and then, like his plan comes instantly to fruition, his hyena henchmen show up.

Scar is all like, “Oh yeah, baby. My homies is here!” Whoopie Goldberg and Cheech don’t feel quite as affectionate since Scar tried to sell them out and as the hyena henchmen jump him, Scar gets his just desserts by becoming the hyena’s desert.

This is the Disney equivalent of watching Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice eating George W. Bush after his impeachment.

1. Bambi's Mom from Bambi -  Of all the events that have fucked up children over the last six decades, the untimely death of Bambi's poor mother probably has to top the list.

It's a quiet day in the meadow when suddenly Bambi's mom hears something. "Run, Bambi! Run!" she screams telling her child to get to safety. The hunters are getting closer. "Goddammit, Bambi! I said fucking RUN!!!"

And then BLAM! There is a shotgun blast and blood and little morsels of venison splatter all over the peaceful meadow. Bambi's mother is dead... Bambi himself is an orphan... and I need ten years of therapy.

Thanks an assload, Disney. I wore heels because of you!

AMERICAN IDOL BLOG XI: IS THIS THING STILL ON?

Jesus... I think about all the talent that America has to offer. All of the thousands upon thousands who auditioned and had their hopes dashed. I think of all this and then look at the five jackasses crooning joylessly and think, "Is THIS the best that they could come up with?" What a horrible season.

Jason Castrated – “Forever in Blue Jeans”

After the embarrassment of last week that should have rightly kicked this beautiful deadlocked fellow off the show, I would call this an adequate comeback. I’ve been saying for weeks, though, that Jason needs to do something amazing and memorable to stay a solid contender and the cynical part of me doesn’t think he’s capable… that he’s just perfectly fine to continue on being adequate until the exceptional musicians rape him on live TV with razor sharp musical dildos.

David Cock – “I’m Alive”

I can’t say this song or performance made me wet, but as the case with Castro’s performance, it was adequate. Not exceptional, not terrible, but jut adequate. I do think that it was yelled a little too much for my tastes.

Broke White – “I’m a Believer”

Finally! Someone doesn’t settle for just being adequate… unfortunately, they landed on just plain awful. The outfit was horrendous, the song was badly chosen, and the performance was ghastly. Listening to this song was like having a rat throw up in my ear. If this broad survived this week, I will personally pat her down for voodoo paraphernalia.

David Barfuletta – “Sweet Caroline”

Sometimes I feel a little bad for ragging on this little backseat love accident because he can sing and he does have talent. Honestly, David could walk out on stage, be joined by angels from heaven as backup singers, and find the cure for AIDs and I would still hate him. This week, however, he sucked. I’m so happy that he sucked. He sucked all the goodness out of the song – felching it, if you will – and spit it back on the audience. The tweens will probably eat this spew up, but you all know he sucked too.

Shyesha Retardo – “Hello”

Shyesha returned the night to adequate, but thankfully got up the gumption and decency to go and make it a little better than average, making her the best of the first round but this is, in my opinion, the best of the worst lot that American Idol has ever seen in its top five.

ROUND TWO… FIGHT!!!

Jason Castrated – “September Morning”

I think I know what it is about Castro that’s been bothering me about him lately. I have these students who are brilliant, but they never apply themselves to reach their full potential. Castro’s the same way and I think that, for once, Paula had it right saying that Castro is just not fighting hard enough to win. His songs have become lazy and forgettable and it’s as if he doesn’t care about it at all. It’s irritating, especially to people like me who have supported him and secretly fantasized about him and a tub of hot oil. It’s like throwing all your support and love behind a person and them not giving a flying fuck about it.

David Cock – “All I Need is You”

Brilliant. It’s about time someone in this awful fucking competition did something tonight besides suck all the joy out of the room. She’s smug, he’s a douchebag, and seems like a prick… I don’t care. He’s the only one who seems to want it badly enough to go for it.

Broke White – “I Am I Said”

Here comes redemption for Broke White and, even though I think she has done irreversible damage to her Idol career, when she goes out tomorrow in a puff of voter wrath, she can do it with her head held… somewhat high. She won’t be staring at her feet or anything… just the feet of whoever is in front of her.

David Barfuletta – “Coming to America”

I’m not sure what pipsqueak’s problem is, but I have to admit that I am pleased to watch this little shitass go down in flames leaving a vapor trail of pure appalling dreadfulness behind him. This was a pandering, overblown, and the purest shit I have seen this awful singer do. He didn’t even sing it well. Terrible.

Shyesha Retardo – “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime”

A safe choice but again, but this was merely adequate again. In this season, that’s a compliment given how shitty the talent is, but I think she’ll be safe for another week.

Best of the night: Choosing the best of the night with this season is like choosing the least painful way of getting your eye cut, but David Cook’s second performance of the night propelled him into the top spot.

Who should go home: Brook White. It’s over. It’s not funny anymore. You should have been gone a month ago. Go away.

Who will go home: Brook White. I think it’s finally time to send this tuneless harpy off into the sunset..

THE ARCADE A new classic card game and a game where shit is your enemy!

Now if you will excuse me, I must have my stomach pumped.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

BARACK OBAMA TOP TEN Top 10 Interesting Facts about Barack Obama' - Presented by Barack Obama. The Late Show with David Letterman on May 1st. R2D2 PROJECTOR On an unrelated note, my birthday is at the end of May and this would be the perfect gift for me. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BARACK A geeky and yet somewhat inspiring video mixing Obama with Star Wars. CAT vs. XYLOPHONE This cat REALLY does not like this instrument and will go so far as to take its frustration out on the rug. DOCTOR WHO: THE PITCH Ever wonder how this show was first presented?  Wonder no more! CAVEMAN TOUR GUIDE A Caveman (yes, that caveman) schools a bunch of people on the ways of the Cromagnon. THE DARK KNIGHT: FINAL TRAILER Batman vs. The Joker in the most anticipated Summer movie of them all. THE POLITICS OF PRESCHOOL A preschool girl attempts to gain social status through material means only to find out she's been trumped. CASKETING THE DEAD This is why I'm getting cremated.  WARNING: May be disturbing! AWESOME BEST MAN SPEECH I am totally ripping off this speech when I get the opportunity. AN IMPERFECT WORLD A commercial for a film company.  This thing is haunting and very well done! VIDEO GAME HALFTIME SHOW Everything from Pong to Pokemon, Tetris and Super Mario Brothers!

QUICK JOKE #1

A kindergarten teacher asks her class, “What vegetable makes eyes water?”

One boy raises his hand and says, “An eggplant.”

“No,” says the teacher. “An onion.”

“An onion?” asks the boy. “Ever been hit in the balls with an eggplant?”

QUICK JOKE #2

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

“Want some of this?” she purred.

“Are you kidding?”, he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear!”

QUICK JOKE #3

A guy and his wife are out golfing one day when they come up to the hardest hole on the course; it goes way downhill and you can’t quite see where your drive goes. So they tee off and walk down the hill and, lo and behold, this guy’s ball is right in front of a big barn.

The couple looks it over, and the wife says, “You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.”

The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back—hitting his wife in the head and killing her.

A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies. They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, “You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.”

The guy replies, “Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.”

QUICK JOKE #4

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”

“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”

After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”

The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.” 

QUICK JOKE #5

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney." 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Donner, I miss your movie reviews like nobody misses Princess Diana. Are there any reviews in the near future? Or should I see about installing a sunroof in the ol' skull? ~Tyler

Dear Tyler,

Hold off on that sunroof for the time being.  Thanks to a little bit of lack of time and burnout from getting so far behind, I just needed to take a long break from the review page, but I have the feeling I will get her started up again next week.  So, yes, don't install that sunroof... unless you've already drilled the hole because I think a greenhouse would just look silly up there.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

 

DONNER PRESENTS: THE BEST AND WORST SUPERHERO COSTUMES (PART ONE)

THE BEST #10:  NIGHTWING

You've gotta love Nightwing's costume. As Robin, Dick Grayson was always in Batman's shadow until he sought out to forge a new identity for himself. Now, as Nightwing, he has his own city and his own book.

Why the costume rocks: Simplicity. There's nothing goofy about it, there's nothing silly about it. Nightwing has a costume for hiding his identity and blending into the shadows. It's a simple and elegant look and highly effective at making him look heroic, but not ridiculous.

THE WORST #10:  NIGHTWING

Unfortunatley, Nightwing didn't start out with his kickass costume.

Why the costume sucks: Nightwing's first costume is the complete opposite of the one he has now. Stupid and ridiculous. He looks like a cross between a backup disco dancer, a circus acrobat, and Spider-Man's retarded cousin. If you were a mugger and you saw this coming, how scared would you actually be? Not very much unless you count the fear of possibly getting molested by the gay member of a disco group.

THE BEST #9:  EMMA FROST

Once known as The White Witch, Emma Frost - a powerful telepath and psychic - has joined the ranks of The X-Men... but she may always be a villain at heart.

Also, she's fucking Cyclops.

Why the costume rocks: As a rule, I normally don't like showy outfits like this on the basis that the poor woman might freeze to death while fighting crime. What I like about this costume is that it keeps with the character's personality of sexual villainy and the negative space in the costume what forms the "X" is a nice touch.

Would this getup work in real life?  Probably not, but it would be fun to try it out on a few women.

THE WORST #9:  WOLVERINE

The dangerous and feral Wolverine has been a long-time member of The X-Men

Why the costume sucks: Look out! It's a giant banana with claws! What self-respecting badass would humiliate himself by putting on a retarded yellow and blue costume like this? Grant Morrison had it right when he had Wolverine dump the costume and go with the biker look, but now he's back in that stupid costume looking silly like the Wal-Mart smiley face.

I just want to smack anyone who bitches about the black costumes in the movies. Did they honestly want Hugh Jackman looking like the bell of a gay pride day float?

THE BEST #8:  AQUAMAN

Born of a man of the land and a woman of the sea, Aquaman is the king of the underwater city of Atlantis.

Why the costume rocks: I know what you're thinking. Aquaman? Seriously?

Think of Aquaman's reputation. He's a joke! He's the fishman of the Justice League! He's a useless tree-hugging dophin-riding yuppie! Recognizing these problems, writer Peter David gave Aquaman a much-needed makeover. Giving him a kingly beard, a hook for a hand, and a much nastier attitude. This one costume turned Aquaman into a respectable tough-talking bastard! Now he's like Governor Schwarzenegger with superpowers... and the ability to talk to his goldfish.

Unfortunately...

THE WORST #8:  AQUAMAN

This is how the man started and, sadly, how he's ended up again.

Why the costume sucks: Look out! It's Captain Pussyman! Where do I start? For one, you would think that a hero's costume would say something about the character or his powers. What does a orange shirt and green pants have to do with the ocean? Nothing unless you live near a polluting orange juice plant. You'd think that we'd be able to move beyond the jokes that these old costumes represented... but DC and a certain band of holdovers who masturbate to the retardedness of the Silver Age slapped this poor bastard back in his old costume and then unceremoniously killed him off in favor of a younger... dumber character.  Sweet merciful Rao...

To be continued next week!!!

AMERICAN IDOL BLOG XII: MAKE IT STOP!!!

Fuck me, this season is just getting painful.

David Cock – “Hungry Like the Wolf”

Appropriately for such an underwhelming season, we would start off with an underwhelming performance. Mind you, I said that it was underwhelming and not just catastrophically bad. I would say it’s better than average karaoke. It wasn’t terrible, but any other contestant at any other time of the year on this show would have wiped his or her ass with this performance. Nothing about it was unexpected or original at all. Way to sell out, you fucking poser.

Syesha Retardo – “Proud Mary”

Even though I knew that Shyesha was going to pick up the tempo later in the song, I found this performance started out just weird… like someone forgot to put a brand new pair of batteries into a walkman or something and when she kicked it into high gear, it was still weird… as though someone took those batteries and replaced it with soup. I applaud her for trying to do something different, but I fee like she needs to be slapped for not listening to this inane interpretation before singing it. Terrible. Fuck off and die, Shyesha.

Jason Castrated – “I Shot the Sheriff”

All right, will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on tonight? Is this some vast right-wing conspiracy to suck the ass out of this show? Argh! It was awful! This was the worst Castro performance so much so that even his adorable little smile and sleepy cute little eyes could not sway me. I mean, Jesus… this is so horrible. I am just in absolute shock that this many bad to average performers have made it this far. I wanted to snatch the goddamn dreadlocks out of his fucking head in retaliation.

David Barfuletta – “Stand by Me”

What a complete self-indulgent, forgettable, and saccharine load of emptiness. They might as well give this little skid mark the award right now and let his first album go down in flames like it surely will just to teach these American Idol assholes a lesson. This was flavorless cotton candy that sounded like it had a twinge of annoying Christian pop artist thrown in. The guy has no range… if it’s not upbeat and inspirational he falls apart. Do me a favor and go have an asthma attack, you goddamn troll doll.

ROUND TWO… FIGHT!

David Cock – “Teenage Wasteland”

Thankfully, he was better… much better with his second performance and I’m throwing all my support behind this smug little douche-cicle since he seems to be the last best hope to save us from the empty-headed mouth flapper known as David Archuletta. Sure, this wasn’t tremendously amazing, but it’s been better than anything else I’ve heard so far and for something not to suck completely this dreadful fucking season is a miracle in of itself.

Shyesha Retaardo – “A Change is Gonna Come”

She can’t handle the lower registers and the performance was boring. I don’t know, to me great music should be effortless and when Shyesha sang this song it was like she was trying to push a monster turd out of her anus. I really lost interest a minute in when I was only wrestled from it by the out of place ending self-indulgent final notes. Okay, the ending speech was so goddamn pandering you’d think she was on the Clinton campaign. Shut! Up! Bitch!

Jason Castrated - “Mr. Tambourine Man”

Apparently when this guy was supposed to be rehearsing he was sucking down weed or something. I mean, yeah, he was decent and this song was more up his alley but still… very average, very unsurprising, and how the fuck can you forget the words unless you’re zonked out of your dreaded head. I swear he thew the competition. Get the fuck off my stage, you beautiful retard.

David Archuletta – “Love Me Tender”

The breathless midget is back and ready to rape Elvis’ corpse with his teeny tiny penis. I hated this arrangement. I hated it with all the cold blackness in my stone cold heart, impenetrable to the cotton candy cloud bullshit that spews from this Smurf’s piehole. It was ridiculously boring and stupid. Go fall into a storm drain, Skippy.

Best of the night: David Cook simply because he managed to fart out the one performance of this night I didn't despise.

Worst of the night: Everyone else was terrible, but Jason Castro was fucking redonkulous.

Who should/will go home: Jason Castro. Get off the stage and go to hell. You didn't want it enough, you weren't willing to work hard enough for it, and you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

THE ARCADE Shoot uppity shapes and collect bullets!  Sounds simple, right?

Donner out.

 

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

BILL O'REILLY IS MAD First of all, what kind of a journalist doesn't know the meaning of "play us out?"  Angry little sociopath. 164 MILLION DOLLAR LOTTO WINNER I have to admit that I find refreshing honesty in this interview.  very heartfelt. THE VENTURE BROTHERS The trailer for the third season of this incredibly funny show.  Fuck you, Boondocks! AMERICAN RACER The American Chopper guys, whining about nothing, as voice over of Speed Racer video. Funny stuff. EVERY SIMPSONS COUCH GAG Everytime the family got to the couch over the course of eighteen long seasons. CONAN DINES WITH A FOOD CRITIC Probably the most funny thing that red-headed giant mutant has done in a while. DATA'S EMOTION CHIP WORKS The greatest moment in Star Trek: Generations. INDIANA JONES MEETS HITLER What a great scene. CLASSIC CYLON REVENGE What are the old Cylons up to now that they've been replaced by CGI? SUPER COFFEE TABLE It's a coffee table!  It's a Nintendo controller!  It's both! WORST PERSON EVER Keith Olbermann pretty much its the nail on the head as far as McCain's negative mudslinging. THE TELEMARKETER I'm not sure he was expecting this.

QUICK JOKE #1

An embarrassed man goes to see his doctor. “I have a sexual problem: I can’t get it up for my wife anymore,” he mumbles.

The doc replies, “Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried man returns with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor takes the husband aside and says, “You’re in perfect health. Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

QUICK JOKE #2

Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter.

“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asks.

St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff.

“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn’t.”

QUICK JOKE #3

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.”

“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.

“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

QUICK JOKE #4

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He happens to look down the bar and sees a man with a head the size of a cue ball sitting there, so he walks down and says to the man, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?”

The man says, “No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship, so I swam to shore.”

“Then one day, a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”

“What she’d say?” the curious stranger asked.

“She said, ‘I can’t grant that wish, because mermaids can’t have sex.’ ”

“So,” continued the old man with a dejected look on his face, “I said, ‘How about a little head?’” 

QUICK JOKE #5

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.“

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?” 

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Greg,

Please accept my sincere and unreserved apologies for the difficulty you have been having since the arcade was reorganized but I'm sure once you learn how to read, you'll be able to find the games very easily.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.

DONNER PRESENTS: THE BEST AND WORST SUPERHERO COSTUMES (PART ONE)

THE BEST #7:  GREEN LANTERN

With the amazing power rings, the Green Lantern Corps act as an intergalactic police force, their rings able to conjure anything as long as the bearer has the willpower and imagination to do it.

Why the costume rocks: When Kyle first became a Green Lantern, he had a so-so update of the costume. Very new, very hip... but not very green. After he gave up near-Godhood for a greater good, Kyle chose to mark the occasion by updating his wardrobe with a new design, one that paid homage to the original, one that was slick and stylish, and one that was actually green.  The other lanterns, John Stewart and Hal Jordan also have pretty slick outfits, but this update (which, sadly, he doesn't wear anymore) was just a kickass update on a classic.

THE WORST #7:  GREEN LANTERN

The very first Green Lantern, Alan Scott was gifted with his ring when a magical railroad lantern bestowed upon him great power.

Why the costume sucks: Here's a revolutionary idea!  Let's create a character, call him Green Lantern, and then dress him in red!  What the hell?  You could have called him the Puce Pansy for all his costume clues us in on.  That high-collared cape doesn't help his cause either and what is with that shitty logo?  Look out, everyone!  It's Spittoon Man!

I love the classic Golden Age superheroes as much as any other comic book devotee, but let's be realistic here... he's Green Lantern!  Green!

THE BEST #6:  BATMAN

Left an orphan by a mugger, Batman has perfected his body and mind to its peak to become a hero for justice.

Why the costume rocks: Batman's costume communicates several things to criminals. "I don't like you, I'm scary, and I'm going to kick your ass."

In addition to its scare factor, Batman has one of the most versatile and useful costumes around. Batarangs, smoke pellets, shark repellant bat spray... there's nothing you can't find in this man's utility belt.  He could probably find the cure for AIDs in there if he wasn't too busy to rummage around.

It's a classic and not to be screwed with.

THE WORST #6:  HAWKEYE

Marvel's sure-shot archer... yeah, Green Arrow came first, but...

Why the costume sucks: The purple is bad enough making him look like Grape-Man or Captain Barney the Dinosaur.  Not to mention that retarded "H" stampd onto his forehead... But what, I ask you, could be worse about that mask? It looks like a Mardi Gras mask! Let's face it, arrows are hardly functional by themselves in the world of super-hero crimefighting, but a mask that looks like it just hatched from a cocoon? Makes a silly crimefighter look downright ridiculous.

Who is this guy?  A hero or a butterfly?  Ditch that stupid fucking mask, you purple pussy!

THE BEST #5:  STARMAN

Jack Knight is the reluctant heir to the Starman legacy, armed with a cosmic rod that allows him to fly.

Why the costume rocks: This costume rocks primarily due to the complete lack of a costume. Jack Knight is, perhaps, the first plain-clothed superhero ever - with only the leather jacket and star pin his only permanent staples. Not only did this make Jack Knight an everyday man, but a very identifiable superhero.

It was a welcome change of pace from the tights that seems to scream, "Hey, look at my massive package!"

THE WORST #5:  PLASTIC MAN

Eel O'Brien, doused with chemicals during a heist, has turned his life around as the whacky pliable hero, Plastic Man!

Why the costume sucks: I am one of Plastic Man's biggest defenders. I loved in in JLA, I love his appearances in the DCU, and I even loved his book... his costume, though, violates a sacred cannon... men should never have THAT much exposed leg. Ever. And the low V-Neck with the exposed leg? Would YOU want this man rescuing you from a burning building?

No thanks. I'll wait for Elongated Man..

To be continued next week!!!

AMERICAN IDOL BLOG XIII: SHITTIER AND SHITTIER

It's almost over, folks... Thank God, this ass awful season is almost over.

David Barfuletta – “And So It Goes”

I liked this song to having dinner with a beautiful blonde knowing that you would never have sex with her. You would have to listen to every boring story, every silly twitter of her voice, and be very bored with it. Sure, there is beautiy there, but nothing else… his performances are like the whipped cream on top of a chocolate cupcake – only you can’t eat the cupcake. Sure, it may taste sweet but it’s unfulfilling and empty calories. More of the same Barfuletta bullscat. Talented, but immature and overpimped.

Syesha Retardo – “If I Ain’t Got You”

Very nice. I liked it. I’m not jumping up and down and touching myself inappropriately, but it was nice. Just nice. Shyesha is peaking at this point in the competition and it has been fun to watch her ascend these last few months. The problem is, there has not been anything outstanding about her and I feel that she will be eclipsed and mowed down by the Cook/Archuletta train.

David Cock – “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”

FUCK YEAH! First thing I saw on the show in weeks that I have seen that I would call surprising and refreshing. David just blew down Shyesha and Archie with his vocals and then ejaculated on their faces.

WINNER OF ROUND ONE: David Cook
LOOSER OF ROUND ONE: David Archuletta

David Barfuletta – “With You”

I know I rag on this snotty little shit more than I probably should, but in all honesty… for a top three song, this was pretty excruciating and painful to watch. It’s as though the song was running at a ten and he was at a nine desperately trying to keep up. This was just wrong and showcased Archie’s complete lack of versatility and staying power. Archie’s a paper tiger and this song was a lit match. And… was that a racial comment? “It’s black?” Oh, please ignite into a controversy… please, please, please.

Syesha Retardo – “Fever”

Oh, you sinister little minx you. Loved it and it’s so refreshing to see this craven idols finally bring something resembling an a game to the show. I loved the fun sexy performance, I enjoyed the play with the song… it just all came together. She took an old song and made it contemporary and now. Excellent job.

David Cock – “Dare You to Move”

FUCK NO! Jesus Herbert Christwagons, this was terrible. The opening was forced and sounded like he was sitting on the toilet pushing out a monster turd. Once he started with the louder parts, it improved but the shit had already landed on the stage by that point. Absolutely awful.

WINNER OF ROUND TWO: Syesha Mercado
LOSER OF ROUND TWO: David Cook

David Barfuletta – “And So It Goes”

Well, he’s back to sounding pretty but providing the entertainment value of a bug zapper. I have to hand it to him, he sounds great but the song was boring. He didn’t do anything to make it outstanding or even memorable and just cruised right through with no effort. This guy has never done anything outstanding in my opinion, just maintained at his own leve

Syesha Retardo – “Hit Me Up”

The best thing I can say is that it is strange. I don’t think the song suited her anymore than a grill or saggy pants suit a suburban white kid. I think Syesha just cost herself the finals.

David Cock – “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”

Oy… not that great, but I will give him credit for at least trying to do something different with the song. I do think he’s done enough to get into the finals, but I was not terribly impressed. It was just weird, predictable, and mildly entertaining at best. Still, he was better than the others this round, so…

WINNER OF ROUND TWO: David Cook
LOSER OF ROUND TWO: Syesha Mercado

Who should go home. David Archuletta. Sounds pretty, but provides nothing but superficial genericism and I can’t believe the judges never acknowledge that or his lack of versatility or crossover appeal.

Who will go home. Syesha Mercado. I think she was out before the show started, but that last performance stomped on and killed any chance she had to stop the guy’s gravy train.

	THE CRAP FACTORY New curiosities give us a look at German Sex Education in a children's book and some weird x-rays.  Also, a very kindly visitor helps us update the Cokeville story in Amazing Mysteries!
	DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Did you miss it?  It missed you... and has missed a shitload of movies.  Check out the 2008 releases that we've seen.
	THE ARCADE Shoot uppity shapes and collect bullets!  Sounds simple, right?

So long, assholes.

 

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

BILL O'REILLY'S PRODUCER You've seen the video of Bill O throwing a hissy fit, but have you wondered what his producer was doing? THE REAL JOHN McCAIN Get a know a little more about the third term of George W. Bush. SUPERMAN II: RECUT ENDING A much better ending than the amnesia kiss or spinning the Earth backwards. JUGGLER SPEARS A PIGEON A one in a million shot.  Poor little birdie. SETH McFARLANE'S NIGHTMARE something goes terribly wrong on the set of Family Guy. GET MONEY Destro and Baroness release their first single with Cold Slither Records. OUIJA BOARD DEMON Meet the demon who has the worst job in Hell. CRAZY WEATHERMAN Mark Mathis from Charlotte, North Carolina is kind of a douche, but is a little entertaining to watch. TOM WILSON'S SONG Biff from Back to the Future sings a song about questions he's asked. HILLBILLIES vs CITY SLICKER Two Hillbilly jackasses learn a costly lesson about harassing someone they don't know. KIRK FARTS Stupid, immature, and unnecessary... but funny as Hell! SPIDERS ON DRUGS A scientific experiment in exposing spiders to drugs to see the different kinds of webs they spin.

QUICK JOKE #1

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

QUICK JOKE #2

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

QUICK JOKE #3

Daniel turned very ill and was on his deathbed.

His wife sat at the bedside holding his hand, praying silently. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and