The Slightly Warped Website

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don’t stop."

QUICK JOKE #2

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg.' Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.' So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

QUICK JOKE #3

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.

“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.

“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

A man is driving home drunk. He gets pulled over by a female cop and she notices that he's drunk so she arrests him.

She starts to read him his rights: "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Donner,

I'm in NYC and have a play I wrote opening soon called Venus and Mona. It's about identical twin sister who live in a trash heap. Smoke and drink too much. Fight like crazy and have a demon who's part recliner and part raccoon that stalks them. The play is called Venus and Mona. One of the actors found your trash heap pic. I wanted to share that with you. If you're in NYC in December let me know and I'll comp you into the play. Love your work and here's to artistic coincidence!

~Leslie Bramm

While I thank you for your generous invitation, I'm afraid I won't be anywhere near NYC in December and cannot attend. I don't think I would have gone anyway, though. You see, I find serious drama boring.

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

For the last year I feel like the little woman and I have been standing on the edge of a vast vertical cliff and this Monday (which will be already passed by the time you read this) we're leaping right off.

For those of you who visit the site and touch yourself when you read one of my posts, you'll know that Amy and I have been seeking to adopt for a while now. Even though there are thousands of kids currently without parents in the state of Texas, you have to jump through hoop after hoop to adopt one. On Saturday, we jumped through our last one. On Monday, we are officially in the system and in what they call "the waiting period."

Both of us kind of freaked out this morning when we realized just how far along in the process we were. After a year of basically getting our privacy invaded, opening up our home to judgmental strangers, bothering friends and relatives for referrals, and suffering setback after setback leading to tears, tantrums, and heartbreak - we're at the end!

Part of it really stuns me. I had just about resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be a father and now, anywhere from a week to a few months from now, I'm going to have two sons. The mere mention of this fact in my brain literally makes me want to piss myself.

Believe me, once we're placed with some kids I'll have it posted all over this damn place.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"Nine. . ."

QUICK JOKE #2

One day an old man sees a young boy smoking a cigarette.

“Just how old are you, young man?” asks the elderly gentleman.

“I’m six years old.”

“So when did you start smoking?” asks the old man.

“Ever since I first slept with a woman,” replies the boy.

“And when was that?”

“You know, I can’t remember,” says the boy. “I was drunk.”

QUICK JOKE #3

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.

“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

Just before Christmas, Santa Claus gets a surprise visit from the Federal Aviation Administration. The examiner walks slowly around the sled, looking at each of the reindeer harnesses, the runners, and the sled’s body. Then he weighs Santa and performs balance calculations to determine the sled’s payload.

“OK, everything checks out,” he says while stepping into the sleigh. “But you’ve still got to pass the test flight.”

Saint Nick jumps in, then notices that the FAA examiner has a shotgun sitting across his lap.

“What’s that for?” gulps Santa.

“Technically, I’m not supposed to tell you this,” winks the examiner, “but you’re going to lose an engine on takeoff.”

A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’re past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in her hand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and she’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’t have???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said… “Parkinson’s.”

Dear Donner,

As far as i am concerned this week was not a good job not only was the letter crap you then had the gall to say you kept your website free of mistakes when the very first joke has a glaring mistake in the first paragraph.

"He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to go and have a good time."

And yes i do like pissing you off

yours truly

your english speaking friend

~Tom Re

I'll make you a deal. While you're checking my spelling, I'll be out doing your mom.

Ugh, I tell you kids. I'm just about done with education. Kaput. Stick a fork in me, I'm done and, no, I'm not even exaggerating. I really think I'm nearing the end of my education career or at least a major change in it.

I've been feeling this way for a while since leaving my old job in the inner city. That job was tough, the kids were tough to reach, but while I was there I felt like I was making a difference... you know, like those annoying movies where a white person teaches a room full of minority students about what futures they could have? God, I hate those movie but I was living one none the less. I loved those kids, they loved me, and I really felt like I was contributing.

The drive was killing me, though. An hour and a half up there and an hour and a half back - I was spending all of my time either in a classroom or in the car. Not to mention that I was also working for DISD which is a fancy way of saying that I was working for a group of overpaid retards. If you think I'm exaggerating on this claim, google DISD and see what mind-blowingly amazing news stories come up about that place.

Anyway, I'm working for another district now. It's a "nicer" district where the kids are whiter and have a little brighter futures, but I'm freakin' miserable here. Don't get me wrong, there are some select kids who I am very fond of and have grown some fantastic bonds with, but I am in constant amazement at the sense of privilege some of these kids carry around with them. Get this: a few weeks ago, I actually had an incident report filed against me because I wasn't showing a student "the proper respect!" Me - a teacher - was not showing a student the proper respect? I was handed the report and laughed in a principal's face about it.

There's been a string of other things too. I'm starting to question if this was the right business for me to get into. Texas has such an artarded system where we're really not allowed to teach kids reasoning skills, just pummel them with facts and figures so that they will temporarily be able to bubble in the correct answers on an education test cooked up by lawmakers who used to be ranchers and dentists. Everything revolves around TAKS. We're not allowed to teach anymore. I'm just... I'm not sure if I can be a part of that anymore.

The clincher came the other day. You see, I worked at an inner city school for two years and never had a thing taken from me. I turned my back for a second at my new "better" school and someone takes a Blackberry that my wife gave me for Christmas. It's got all of my appointments in it, all of my contact numbers, and info that I just can't replace. More than that, it's not the fact that I don't have my Blackberry anymore, it's what my Blackberry represents - it was something given to me by someone who means the world to me. I could give a damn if it was a Blackberry, an Iphone, or a pack of Certs, it was a gift from my wife who was afraid at the time that she was going to have cancer. Through her pain and fear, she went out and bought me a Blackberry for Christmas and now it's in the hands of some punk who saw it, wanted it, and took it. I could puke.

To make matters worse, no administrator would come and authorize searches of any students in the room and campus security couldn't even be bothered to show up.

So, yeah... I'm very bummed. My faith in the school system has been shaken, and I'm just about ready to give up and just find other employment once my year here is over. I'm not sure if it will be in education because I honestly don't know if I can even muster a big enough damn to put myself through another year of giving everything I am and all that I have only to be spit in the face by those I'm trying to help.

I'm tired. I've thought about going down to the Elementary level and teaching there, but I wonder if I would just be doing a disservice to myself and to the kids I would end up with. I used to have passion for this line of work, but it's been choked off by tests and bureaucracy. I just... I can't care enough anymore.

What am I going to do? I don't know - in a week, I may feel better. Thanksgiving break is coming up, so maybe all I need to do is just stay away for a week and get the inner strength to carry on. I have been giving serious thought into going back into radio. Sure, I tried that here a few years back and spent a year unemployed, but I have heard that it's easier to get a job while you've actually got one. Maybe I can get on with that company that dubs Anime and spend the hellish ten years I've promised to stay in this shithole of a state giving my voice to cartoon characters. Maybe I'll finally write that book I've always wanted to and become the next JK Rowling or whoever it is that shat out Twilight?

Whatever the case, I know I'm tired and I always said that if I got to this point, that I would quit teaching because I didn't want to be one of those burned out teachers who ruined my life all those years ago. It just ain't going to happen.

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

QUICK JOKE #2

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,

"Bring me my brown pants!"

QUICK JOKE #3

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration.

Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. “My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

Finally the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you get lost? I’m trying to take a dump!”

Dear Donner,

Hey, Donner, I love the website. I mostly use it for the movie reviews, and I am always just as disappointed when I don't see a new one as I am ecstatic when I do. You obviously have a lot of passion for movies and art, and your work on your Halloween displays is phenomenal.

By the way: Pixar and Dark City DO rock. The mere fact that you think this as well means you are awesome, no matter what anyone says about you. :)

~Maverick

Anyway, the fact that you love this website arouses me in an unspeakable number of ways. For this, I grant you three new reviews which you can access immediately.

Ladies and gentlemen, the long nightmare is finally over. The pendulum has swung back into the proper direction and conservatism is in retreat. Last Tuesday I followed election returns up until midnight and for the first time in eight years, felt a swell of hope for this country. I am SO proud of us at this moment. We didn't allow fear and hate to sway us and we didn't allow the election to be stolen. Dubya is on his way to the dumpster of history and on January 20th we're going to have a new president.

That's PRESIDENT Barack "Hussein" Obama to you conservatards out there. Go ahead and stock up on your guns and look into moving to Canada. We put up with idiocy for the last eight years and now you bend over and take that liberal cock!

All right, that's about all the gloating I want to do for now. Truth is, I really hope that the divisiveness that is running through this country is healed very swiftly. John Wayne once said after his candidate, Richard Nixon, was defeated by John F. Kennedy, "I didn't vote for him, but he's my president and I hope he does a great job." I echoed this in the last couple of weeks when it looked like McCain was going to win. "I'm not going to vote for him, but if he wins he will be my president and I hope he will do a good job. Also, I hope his heart keep pumping while he's in office because Palin scares the shit out of me!"

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, as Americans, we've been divided and lied to so much during these last eight years, we're distrustful of the other side. We can all agree - or at least eighty percent of us can - that George W. Bush has run one of the worst, most corrupt, and dangerous administrations this nation has ever seen and if eighty percent of us believe that, then we can all agree that we can at least give the new guy a chance before we condemn him. After all, if 52 percent of the country voted for him, 48 percent didn't and that's a BIG number.

So, my controversial idea for the moment is... let's trust our new president. Let's put aside this horsecrap about him being a Muslim or that he's going to take away our guns and let's trust him to do a good job and save this nation. Yes... save this nation. I'm not being dramatic here, I honestly believe that we're a generation away from falling if we don't do something.

President Obama (yes, I know it's early, but I like saying it), we're putting a lot of trust into you as well and, believe me, if it looks like you're going to fuck us all over and continue to erode our rights, our wealth, and our planet, I will turn on you so quick that you won't know what hit you. As a matter of fact, these are the things I expect from your administration:

1. Prosecute George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and anyone else who thought they were above the law.
2. Get us out of Iraq.
3. Repeal the Patriot Act.
4. Repeal or properly fund No Child Left Behind.
5. More wind farms and solar power arrays.
6. Tax breaks for alternative fuels.
7. Repeal the Bush Tax Cuts.
8. Federalize elections and throw out electoral college.
9. Fix the infrastructure.
10. Introduce legislation to end state-sponsored discrimination against gays.
11. Bring back Jericho.

All right, if you accomplish five of those things, you're doing a good job. The Jericho thing is a stretch, but what the hell?

Come on, everyone, let's fist bump and get to work. This country won't fix itself alone!

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

QUICK JOKE #2

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bob and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

QUICK JOKE #3

A group of kindergartners was trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done?

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Alex what he had done?

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the Shit".

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, the cashier looked at her and smiled and said, "You must be single?"

The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The cashier replied, "Because your fucking ugly!""

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

Dear Donner,

90210 is one the best shows on tv right now, next to gossip girl. And I hope your students don't read your websites because most high schools and middle schools like 90210

~Scarlette

I am sure that you are entertained by 90210 a lot like a dog is entertained by a chew toy or the way a godfish is entertained by bubbles. Simply put, doll, if this is the vacant cranium-destroying dribble that you choose to fill your shallow empty life with, you're not that smart.

I apologize to the people of the world, but this blog is directly targeted at my fellow Americans. I can understand if the rest of you want to attempt to read it, but be warned... the American concepts that follow could make your delicate foreign head explode from a blast of sheer awesomeness. Be warned.

I'm serious, there's a very nice country to the North of us you can go to and a not-so-nice shithole to the South that will take anyone. I don't care if you're Republican, Democrat, or if you're even going to throw your vote away on Nader; Goddamnit, VOTE!

I am getting sick and fucking tired of blowing my political load every election year either trying to inspire you or piss you off enough to take action in this country only to see 75 percent of you sit at home on your fat American asses so that you can watch Knight Rider. Get out and vote!

How else can I break this down to you? Unless you vote, we're fucked. The same old people are going to be doing the same old thing and we're the ones who will suffer for it. Not big oil, not the banks, and not lobbyists. Us. Me the teacher struggling to survive on 45 K a year. The single mothers, the immigrants on minimum wage, and everyone else who gives their lives away so their families can eat. Once every couple of years we're given an opportunity to take part in a process that most people in the world would give their right nut to take part in and we don't and that's inexcusable. Vote!

Again, I don't care if you think Barack walks on water or you want to fuck the shit out of Sara Palin. You'd better get out on Tuesday and goddamned jolly-well vote!

If you don't vote, you have failed as an American and need to leave. Go to Venezuela or North Korea where they don't mind if you don't vote. They'd love to have you there.

Then again, there's an entire group in Washington who are hoping like fuck you stay home and not vote. Maybe you should stay here and continue to do what you're not doing like a good, stupid, and well-trained American.

I even won't hate you if you vote on McCain, I promise. I may question your sanity and your parentage, but I won't hate you. Just vote, dammit!