The Slightly Warped Website

There are three moms: A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says “Oh my gosh y’all I went through my daughter’s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed”

They comfort her, and the redhead says “Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter’s purse. I cannot believe she has one”. So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says “That’s nothing. I found a condom in my daughter’s purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis”

QUICK JOKE #2

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away."

The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

QUICK JOKE #3

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him

"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.'

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Donner,

Why do you keep subjecting yourself to movies like "Disaster Movie" or "Meet the Spartans"? You know they aren't going to be good! I mean, you must have figured out that after "Epic Movie", these guys weren't going to do anything remotely funny! So why, WHY are you putting yourself through that kind of torture?

Regards,
Jesse

PS. In your review for "10,000 BC", couldn't the plot have basically been summarized as "The Great Hunt for the Great Cunt"?

It is one of my greatest and most genius beliefs that if you don't subject yourself to bad movies every once in a while, you loose perspective and turn into a monocle-wearing latté sipping cockbag who is all of the sudden telling others why Spielberg sucks. I don't want that kind of life for myself as I am rather fond of having a soul and a reflection in the mirror, so I will continue to subject myself to bad movies if for nothing else than some much-needed perspective.

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly. For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

It's that time again when the networks squat and shit into my television box, so let's see how things are going so far.

Heroes: It's a nice return to form from the boredom we were saddled with last year. There's some mystery thrown in with the return of Ali Larter and the Peter from the future is intriguing even though I'm a little disappointed that, once again, we are trying to prevent something in the future again. However, if Sylar is actually a Petrelli brother, I will be pissed.

House: Oops! It's the old "A Character is Fed Up with House and Has Left But Will Probably Be Back Soon!" story. How many times are they going to trot this fucker out and redo it? Oy! I haven't been overly impressed with this season and that private investigator that they are thinking about spinning off into his own show is weak.

Fringe: This is a pretty cool show. It's got great production values, a pretty nifty premise, and I love the crazy scientist, but I'm wondering now long this show can last without it collapsing in under the weight of its own ideas. It says something when they can come up with technobabble pseudoscience solutions for every problem they are faced when it's convenient. What, there's someone out there who can read minds? That's cool, I'll rig this radio and this human brain to find him. There's a man who can kill people with germs? That's cool, let me take this cow right here and use my old research to track him down. A little real science would be nice, otherwise this is going to get old.

Ghost Hunters: Still going, still great. I miss the fact that they're not doing two cases in an episode as the one case drags out and becomes kind of boring, but the sense of realism on this show is what keeps me coming back. I almost like the shows where they find nothing as much as the ones where they find great evidence.

Paranormal State: A lot less terrible than it was when it first came on, this show is Ghost Hunters Lite. They've taken a lot of the problems and mitigated them, the personalities are a lot less annoying, and the cases have gotten interesting. I still call bullshit on a lot of their evidence and methods, but it's not bad.

Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles: It was a strong return, but the season has started to slide downhill fast with some annoying new additions to the cast and some episodes that went nowhere. Looks like we'll be getting a little back-story on Cameron this week which could turn things around.

Knight Rider: Sweet Christ, this show is awful. It takes everything there was to love about the original Knight Rider and sets it in a frat house with annoying pretty people and unnecessarily complicated plots with overly-simplistic writing. Let me put it this way: if KITT is on fire and your solution to not dying is to go faster and take off all your clothes... you're an idiot. Go find a lake, a river, or a swimming pool!

The Simpsons: Pretty much pared the course. It wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't horrible. I've loved this show since it first appeared and the movie was a thing of brilliance, but The Simpsons are really showing their age.

Family Guy: Most people rip on this show, but I like it even if it is just a series of jokes that don't propel the plot. The premiere was quite surprising in that it was actually good and not "oh, that unrelated joke was funny" good, I mean good as in "that was a really good character moment good."

American Dad!: The most unappreciated of the FOX comedies hit one out of the park this week in an episode that was shocking, rude, crude, and strangely sweet at the same time. Guys, this show has eclipsed Family Guy by miles.

Worst Week: I actually saw the premiere for this one several months ago at Television City in Las Vegas (which is a cool place, by the way!). I liked it. The cast is great, the situations were funny, and I will probably watch the second episode. We shall see how it holds up.

The Amazing Race: I would have watched it if I knew it was on. Thanks, CBS. I'll have to pick it up next week.

These two guys are walking through the woods when they come across this large hole in the ground. They peer into it and it just keeps going and going and going into blackness.

To answer this question, the other guy picks up a rock and throws it into the hole. They wait to hear it hit the bottom, but all they hear is silence. "Maybe we need a bigger rock?"

The other man picks up a rock about the size of a bowling ball and heaves it into the hole. Again, the two men wait and wait for the sound of the rock hitting the bottom, but still hear nothing.

"This hole has got to be really deep," one of the men says, "we've got to find something really big to throw in so we can tell just how deep it is."

After searching around for some time, one of the men walks up with a railroad tie and throws it into the hole. They wait and wait and wait for a sound when suddenly this goat bursts out of the woods, runs right between them, and dives into the hole. The two men listen as the goat bleats and bleats as it falls, but it never hits the ground and soon all they hear is silence.

It wasn't long before this old farmer walks up, "Hey, did either of you men see a goat around here by any chance?"

"It was the most amazing thing!" one of the men exclaimed. "It ran past us, faster than anything I've ever seen before and jumped into this hole right here!"

"That couldn't have been my goat," the farmer said, "I had my goat tied up to a railroad tie."

QUICK JOKE #2

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and eats the cue-ball.

The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"

The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

QUICK JOKE #3

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

I hope Obama does suck... all of the goddamn Republican corruption out of Washington! Ha ha! BURN!!!!!!!!

Is it wrong of me to get so fed up with people and to loose faith in them so dramatically that I just want to move off to some island in the Caribbean and become so self sufficient that I don't have to look at another human being again?

I subscribe to the old Men in Black philosophy that a person is smart, but people are dumb. After all, we see it all the time! I live in a country where Bush and the GOP have caused the complete and utter collapse of the economy, yet it's about to elect a carbon copy of him back into the White House.

I live in a country where people think that love can be strictly defined and if people have the same genitals then love between them is sick and immoral and should be against the law... you know, just like they wanted to do forty years ago when black and white people wanted to marry each other.

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Carlo went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"'

QUICK JOKE #2

Two pensioners are driving on a highway. Their wives are sitting on the back seats. They drive with no more than 35 miles per hour.

A policeman stops the car and says: "Why are you driving so slowly?"

Grandpa: "We are driving only 35 because this is highway 35!"

Policeman: "The number of the highway stands in no relationship with the speed limit. But... Why do the two women on the back seats look so frightened? Is everything all right with them?"

Grandpa: "They just look like this because we are coming from highway 160!"

QUICK JOKE #3

TA big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Eastern Oklahoma close to the Choctaw Nation.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a Choctaw's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly Choctaw drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old Choctaw replied, "This is our property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.The old Choctaw smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the Choctaw Nation. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"The Choctaw replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on our land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old Choctaw slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the Choctaw's third kick to his end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."

The old Choctaw smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck" and walked away.

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt...and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Tom, a loving husband, was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Tom got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tom is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Dear Donner

Have to say i love your work but this weeks blog was crap.

Your a hypocrite, tell others to speak english, stupid American! Start speaking it yourself if you want anyone to take you seriously its Mum not Mom and Colour not Color.

On a nicer note i to hate those stupid Hillsong-esque churches but dont generalise.

With Love,

Your English speaking friend from Australia,

Tom

I don't know what that faggy ass shit you speak in Australia is called, but let me school you, "mate." Color is not spelled with a "u", a Mum is a flower you wear on homecoming, and Fosters is the most vile bear piss I have ever tasted in my life. If not for Kylie Minogue, Crocodile Dundee, and those adorable koala bears, I would wish for your entire God-forsaken continent to crash into the ocean for what you and your illiterate ilk have done to the English language and I'm sure even England would side with me on this one.

Even though just about every natural disaster movie that Hollywood comes out with amounts to 90 minutes of bad dialogue, an ill-conceived romance, and thirty minutes of nice but ultimately disappointing special effects in which shit explodes and people run around on the streets trying not to get hit by chunks of concrete, I love to watch them. From Twister to Volcano and The Day After Tomorrow to Earthquake, something about these movies gives me a raging hard on and I think I finally know why.

I think that, deep down, I've always been curious if I would be able to survive one of these glorious disasters. Would I be able to get out of a capsized ocean liner or escape harm if the Earth's core stopped spinning? Would I be able to run fast enough to escape an alien death beam or be able to pull my fat ass up a rope to escape a toppling building as some goddamned monster chased a bunch of yuppies with a camcorder? These are the things I wonder when I'm home by myself and the power goes out.

More than anything, I wonder if I would be able to survive a zombie apocalypse. Now, if the zombies turn out to be Return of the Living Dead or the Dawn of the Dead remake zombies who sprint after their prey, I'm going to be pretty fucked out in the open because running would be out of the questions. I get winded if I bend over to pick up a cheeto so, if the zombies run, count me out... go on without me. It's a world I don't want to live in.

However, if we're talking the slow-moving Romero zombies, I think I have a chance because I'm smart and have the necessary survival skills. My home is only accessible through two doors which can be easily obstructed and all windows could be sealed in a matter of moments.

Although I'm not a huge fan of guns, I do have a somewhat impressive collection of swords which I believe would come in handy in close combat situations. They never have to be loaded, either, which is nice.

My home is always stocked with food and water and the backyard, surrounded by a very high fence, contains a garden which could be easily expanded. If things were to get extremely desperate, we have a large number of fish which could sustain us and, if the situation were extremely critical, we have a rabbit, three dogs, and three cats. Good eatin'.

An enclosed garage is our next best option as it would provide a quick escape should the zombie hoards grow too numerous. We would make our run for it during winter when the temperature was below freezing because, after all, the dead produce no body heat and, thusly, would freeze solid during that time or at least have great difficulty moving.

Yes, indeed, I've thought long and hard about this which should scare you very much. I don't want you to think that I'm just counting on a zombie invasion, but I also have plans to survive an alien attack, a nuclear attack, and any number of super disasters.

This is why I was kind of excited to see that Hurricane Ike was coming. Ike was going to be my first hurricane and, even though deep down I wasn't hoping that it would cause a lot of damage, there was that sick sadistic side of me that said, "Hells yes, we're finally going to see if we can make it in a situation like this!" Would I live heroically and save a lot of people or would I be one of those pussies you see on rooftops waiting for the National Guard to save them?

Well, Ike hit us Saturday morning... it was windy and there was rain and... that was it. No explosions, no tornadoes, no roving hoards of the undead; Just a lot of rain and wind sort of like a mildly exciting thunderstorm and I was all, like, that's it? That's my first hurricane?

Disappointing... just like all the disaster movies. Let's just hope the forthcoming zombie apocalypse is more entertaining.

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.

The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

QUICK JOKE #2

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

QUICK JOKE #3

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.

The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."

Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."

His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"

Dear Donner,

Who exactly is responsible for the ad at the top of the board where the smiley shouts "OH MY GOSH! NO WAY!" in a manner so obnoxious, that it causes everyone at work or at the library whe I'm using the computer to turn and stare at me, embarrassing me? And would it be considered uncouth to find out where they live, break into their place in the dead of night and violate their rectal cavity with a branding iron?

~Jesse

I respect and love all my advertisers, but the one you're referring to doesn't belong to me, so if violating their anus will make you feel better, I say do what you love.

This always makes me sound like a gigantic bigot, but personally I'm tired of having to press one for English. God-fucking-damn, if I was going to move to France, I would learn French. If I was going to move to Russia, I would speak Russian, and if I were going to move to Australia, I would speak Australian... what the fuck is the goddamn problem with Mexicans coming to the US and refusing to speak the language here?

I am not exaggerating, either, there are families who are actively refusing to teach their children English because they don't want to have their children growing up ignorant of their culture. Hey, I'm all for having culture but then again, I'm the asshole who has to teach your kids how to read Dick and Jane when they're 18 because they can't speak English or get a job because you didn't want them to loose their culture.

It's such a self-destructive circle for many immigrant families here and why many of the rich affluent white people aren't at all concerned that Hispanics will be the majority in 50 years. No offense, Amigos, but the Hispanics will be an awfully big and awfully ill-educated majority easily manipulated and lied to.

I'm all for immigration and sharing this country with anyone who wants to come here and fully expect you to honor your heritage, but when you move to a country it's distasteful and very hateful not to respect the heritage and language of your new home.

So, speak goddamn English or wait at the border until you can.

I wonder how much the people who write the rapture by 1988 or Y2K or 2012 books actually believe that their prophecies of doom will actually come true. My honest thought is that none of them do otherwise, they would be giving their heartfelt prophecies of doom for free over the internet and not building a tidy nest egg for Armageddon.

Personally, I think that these people need to answer for their false predictions. If the world doesn't end, they should be forced to write a letter of apology to all of the gullible dipshits who bought into their malarkey and refund all their money.

I prophesize that there would be a lot less fucking doomsday books.

I am refusing to go into the whole argument about whether or not being a vegetarian is good for you because... well, it's a moot point. Have you seen a vegetarian? They're all gaunt and weak-looking but hey, if that's your lifestyle choice, you go right ahead. We live in a world where decisions should be respected.

But here's what pisses me off about vegetarians... I wish they would stop lecturing me about how wonderful their lifestyle is and how I should switch. The impetuous self-masturbatory sense of internal congratulations with them is so overwhelming, it's a wonder they don't have a third arm growing out of their ass for the sole purpose of patting themselves on the back.

So, to all of you self-important vegetarians that look down on me and my fellow carnivores, I offer you an observation: when was the last time you saw a cauliflower flavored piece of bacon? You ever see a carrot flavored roast or a apple flavored steak? The answer to all of these questions are no... why? Because no one is interested in that kind of crap. However, as I look around the vegetarian side of things, I see hamburger flavored mushrooms, I see tofu that looks and tastes like bacon, and meatless ribs made out of God knows what. My question to you is, if vegetarianism is such a great choice, why the fuck are you trying to make your food look and taste like meat?

Better choice my ass. Even YOU can't stand it.

All right, I took a swipe at the Atheists before and now I'm going to take a swipe at the Fundies. How the hell can you honestly say that you are going to worship and follow the example of a pretty nice guy who lived two thousand years ago while funding a monstrosity he probably would have been disgusted with?

For those of you who have ever read the Bible or at least skimmed through it, can you name me the one time that Jesus actually got pissed off? It was when he walked into the temple and saw the merchants. "Get this dad-damned money OUT OF THIS CHURCH!!!" he screamed as he trashed the place. Obviously, the big J believed that money was the root of all evil and it's too bad that apparently that's one of many of his messages that have been lost over the years.

The church can be a wonderful thing - absolutely wonderful! It can clothe and feed those in need, it can built homes, and do genuine missions of humanity... but is doesn't. Why? Because they are building bigger and bigger temples! Buying cars and jets and trips and paying people to preach!

Did Jesus ever preach in a church? No. Did he ever receive payment for preaching? No. Did he buy a car? No! He was humble and walked everywhere!

Now we have these pious jagoffs with their WWJD motto sticking their noses into politics and trying to change the way we live our lives. Try to tell us who we can love and what we can do with our bodies.

What would Jesus do? After a lengthy face-plant he would probably tell the churches to give the money to the needy, tear down the temples, love thy neighbor, and give up their worldly possessions if they wanted to join him in the kingdom of heaven.

But I have serious doubts that a big and powerful organization like the Church has the slightest inclination to do what Jesus would do.

So fuck the Church. I don't need a child-molesting man in a dress to sprinkle water on me to tell me how to love my God.

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

QUICK JOKE #2

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

QUICK JOKE #3

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!"

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd.

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, "Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?"

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!"

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Dear Donner,

Your article about the 'German Sex Book' may be slightly inaccurate. My parents had this book when I was a kid, (In Australia) and it definitely wasn't in German.

Actually I think this sort of educational material is vital and I hope this crazy overprotective world we find ourselves in still has opportunities for open and informative books for kids!

~Gomisan

I fully agree with you (except for the German part, books can be translated). Educating our kids at an early age about sex is, in my opinion, necessary and helpful to keep them from making mistakes later on in life. I used to teach at a school where we were forbidden to teach a sex education class by the conservatards in city hall and, as a result, one in every seven girls in our school had a baby or was pregnant with one - all because they believed that you couldn't get pregnant unless you were in love.

So yeah, teach them when they're young. My kids are going to know about sex and its consequences before they are in first grade, you mark my words.

I promised myself that would ,ale as few political blogs as I could this year, but when I saw what John McCain dragged through the door and put up on a pedistal saying, "Check out my running mate," I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to make my voice known.

Now, it's no secret that I don't want to see McCain take the presidency. A few months ago, I wouldn't have minded because this maverick senator seemed like a pretty level headed guy - at least until you threw the prospect of power in front of him and he flip-flopped more than a beached fish. I've also seen and heard a few examples of his legendary temper tantrums and I'm not sure if this is someone we should have with his hand on the nuclear button.

As for Hillary and Obama, I like them both. As you remember, I wrote a very nice - I thought - letter to Hillary asking her to step down and let Barack have the nomination not because I liked Obama better, but because it was for the good of the party. As I said back then, the next election will still be there and I'll be in the front row with my Hillary '12 (hopefully '16) shirt on welcoming her into the White House. However, when Hillary did conceed a lot of women got upset and few of them (henceforth called the femtards) were so bitter that they said they would vote for McCain before they voted for Obama, a choice not unlike a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

McCain apparently wants to exploit this bitterness among women and selected Sara Palin to be his running mate. Why? Well, that's a good question - she's in her first year as governor of Alaska and before that, she was the mayor of a town of only 9,000 people. With McCain slamming Obama for his "lack of experience" why the hell would he choose someone with less experience to be his VP... to take over the leadership of America in the increasingly likely chance that this 72 year-old fossil were to become incapacitated?

I'm not being sexist here, I'm just saying how it is. How do you look past the fact that you are voting for a another aged white guy who is way past his prime and is basically a repeat of the same bullshit we've suffered through for the last eight years? You give voters a pretty face to look at.

Ladies, this is not a leap foreword for women, this is a giant leap backwards. Palin is one of a number of Republi-tards who believe that women are too flighty and irresponsible to take charge of their own bodies and stands for the exact opposite of what Hillary stands for. She's under investigation, close to being impeached, and apparently, McCain chose her after meeting with her once.

The choice of Sara Palin is insulting to women as it seems that, to win your votes, all a candidate has to do is stand up there with a woman and say, "Look! Now, if you don't vote for her, you're being sexist!"

I'm not falling for it, and I have enough faith that women all over the nation who supported Hillary are too smart to fall for it too for if you are going to vote for Palin simply because she's a woman, then you've missed the point of what Hillary Clinton stood for.

Palin is pro-life, pro-war, pro-Bush, pro-drilling, pro-NRA, and is basically another Coulter Republican. I hope... feverishly hope that when Biden gets a hold of her, the arrogance and stupidity of this choice shines through. McCain's choice of Sara Palin shows just how much we stand to use this time around and what an irresponsible and dangerous administration we could be saddled with.