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April 27, 2009 QUICK JOKE #1
A task force consisting of a DEA agent, an ATF and
an FBI agent arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. QUICK JOKE #2
Three couples want to be married in a prestigious
church. In order to do this, the minister explains, they must abstain from sex
for 30 days and then report back to him. QUICK JOKE #3
Everybody on Earth dies in a nuclear holocaust and
goes to heaven. God greets them and says, "Men, make two lines: one for those
who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can
go with St. Peter."
GOT JOKE?
Dear Becca, It will be quite a while before I attend another renaissance fair either here or in Arizona (which is the first place I think of when I think of the Renaissance -- not because of the location, but because John McCain was probably there arguing against is). But like I was saying, it will be a while. First, I have to pass this damned Scottish Egg I was tricked into eating. It's like bubble gum -- it'll be in my colon for years!
Love, DONNER WANTS TO PUNCH 13 YEAR OLD GIRLS IN THE THROAT I'm in the computer lab the other day in the school which employs me, trying desperately to get Freshmen to do research papers (which is like trying to get chimps to grasp mathematics -- I swear, WHO told them is was okay to use texting abbreviations on essays!?) when I happen to glance at the computer screen of one of my girls. Let's call her Mary. Mary B. Stupid. Mary is looking at a picture of several young men without shirts all looking ahead like they hate the fuck out of the camera. "Mary, you stupid Freshman!" I said, "That doesn't look like research!" "Oh, they're from the new movie, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!" I was startled, a little surprised that something like Twilight was being called a "saga." Lord of the Rings is a saga. Star Wars is a saga. Twilight... it's like a extra long roll of toilet paper wiping the crack of a fat guy. I told her to stop looking at half-naked werewolves and get back to work. I take not more than five steps and there's another girl practically fingering herself over the same image. We'll call her Rita. Rita Ard. I chastised Rita for the same thing, took three steps and saw THE EXACT SAME IMAGE on another stupid student's computer - this time is was Bree. Bree S. Plentydumb. It turned out that when my back was turned, every single goddamn girl in the class (and one boy, as it turned out) was looking at the Twilight Werewolves. This is why we're doomed as a nation. High School girls are hung up on a book written at a third grade level about a moody submissive trollop trying to decide over a gay vampire who sparkles and an Indian who can lick his own balls. The sad thing is, I'll probably go to the next goddamn Twilight movie because I and my friends had such a good time giving a running commentary to the first and annoying all of the prepubescent spoiled brats who came solely for the purpose of getting their panties wet. So, if you're watching a movie about goddamn sparkly vampires this November and you see a line of guys laughing and talking shit about it, buy me a popcorn and tell me how awesome my website is.
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April 20, 2009 QUICK JOKE #1
Little Johnny and Clarissa are walking down the
street, when Little Johnny says to Clarissa 'Climb up that tree and I'll give
you 5 dollars.' Clarissa sighed, 'But mommy, I tricked Johnny! Today I didn't wear any underwear!' QUICK JOKE #2
The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I
can fix the pipes in here." QUICK JOKE #3
Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day. They
see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she
isn't wearing any panties.
GOT JOKE?
Dear Jack Shaw, I have no problem with ignoring you.
Love, RENAISSANCE FAIR It's not exactly my thing, but I took in a Renaissance Fair this weekend -- you know, the complete 14th century dress like a knight and eat Scottish Eggs and die of a heart attack kind of fair. I went because a lot of friends wanted to go, but the real reason I went was that I was bored out of my head and desperate to just do something different. You have to understand that, even though I'm not into knights, wenches, or kilts, I appreciate nerds of all varieties. I enjoy their company and I just like associating with them. Hell, for a few minutes I actually thought of renting a costume and joining them and then I saw the prices that the booths were charging and thought that fifty dollars for a hot costume on a humid day was not something I wanted to invest in. I settled for my Monty Python "I Fart In Your General Direction" shirt. For a while, though, I considered showing in a Star Trek costume and just spend all day looking confused. There's really no end to the amount of mischief you can achieve. Overall, I was bored. There's only so many overpriced shops you can go to before you start wishing for the warm embrace of home and the live competitions were lackluster to say the least -- the jousting was like watching two pussies tap each other's shields with sticks and the pole-throwing competition was odd and very homoerotic. I did like the live shows. There was a comedy show called Nunnie Nunnie in which two Nuns told dirty jokes. That's MY kind of show! There was also a couple of haunted houses which, given my love of Halloween, I couldn't resist. Let me tell you, if I was suddenly dry humped by Neil Patrick Harris and sodomized by John Barrowman while George Takai blew a load in my face, it would still not be gayer than the haunted houses at the Renaissance Fair. And can I make one observation? While I have a wide latitude for female beauty and have an attractive to curvey full-bodied women, I do have to appeal to the ladies. Honey, if your body isn't made for an exposed midriff, don't go for it. For Zues' sake, I have not see that many muffin tops since my last trip to the bakery. So, that was a wasted weekend. Hey, I ain't judging if you're into this kind of thing, but it's just not me.
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April 6, 2009 QUICK JOKE #1 A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 pounds of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 pounds of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was." QUICK JOKE #2
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office
finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it
and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed
her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she
doesn't receive some divine intervention. QUICK JOKE #2
A teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
GOT JOKE?
Dear Liam Smith, I don't know who the hell you are, but you're not the Liam Smith I know! The Liam Smith I know hates the Japanese. Absolutely hates them. I've never seen anymore more racist when it comes to Japanese people. Seriously, he's got a problem.
Love, FISH OIL It's no mystery that with each passing day, I find myself getting a little older and a little older. I don't mean that I've gotten to the point where I'm looking foreword to Matlock every night and my life-care nurse is burning me with cigarettes, but I am at least old enough (and fat enough) to need regular checkups. So, despite the fact that I have a crippling fear of doctors, I went in and, much to my shock and delight, I'm in fairly good health. The only thing wrong? Triglycerides. I don't have a fucking clue what they are, but I've got too many of them and that's a bad thing. I can't see how it can be that bad of a thing, though, I mean... I've got, like, five over the limit that they set so it can't be that bad of a problem. Still, it's a problem... that and a vitamin D deficiency due to the fact that I never go outside because I'm afraid rain will make me melt. To counteract this, I was given a prescription of something called Fish Oil which is, believe it or not... fish oil. Oil taken from fish. You know how fish are supposed to be good for you and stuff? Apparently, the oil is what makes them good for you... and it's in pill form now! Cool, because I hate fish. Hate it with a passion. I grew up in West Texas and was forced to eat fried catfish as a kid. Want to know what fried catfish tastes like? Imagine eating chicken only it's covered in mud and has millions of small bones in it. That's catfish. Needless to say, catfish ruined me on fish for the rest of my life. So, I've got these pills. I take two in the morning and two in the evening. The problem is, I've got this thing where I have a hard time swallowing capsules. They will frequently get lodged in my throat and I have to wait for them to dissolve which is a couple of hours I wouldn't mind being drugged for. This doesn't happen very often, though, but it happens enough -- sure enough, one of those goddamn fish oil pills gets stuck and won't go down. About forty-five minutes later, I taste it. Jesus Christ, what an awful taste. Like eating live minnows. It's like being fucked in the mouth by Free Willy. Screw this! I don't know what triglycerides are, but I'd rather have that than a mouthful of fish cum.
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