ARCHIVE

August 31, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

When you occasionally have a really bad day, And you just need to take it out on someone, Don't take it out on someone you know, Take it out on someone you don't know, But you know deserves it.


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'


Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled  'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, Right after calling the first asshole (I had His number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too..

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,

And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,

'Hello.'

I said,

'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out  of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news  helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

This anger management stuff works great!

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Several of you loyal website visitors wrote in about the story I posted about my dog getting dognapped out of my house.  Here's a couple of them.

Dear Diana Faith Legaspi,

Mom, have you forgotten your medication again?

Love,
Donner

FAMILY GUY PISSES ME OFF...

So, I'm watching Family Guy which is, despite what South Park says, a pretty decent show.  I'm watching it and the episode that reunited the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation came on.  Instantly, this pissed me off but I watched it anyway just to see if my first experience with this half hour of horseshit was an anomaly.  After all, it's a reunion of the cast of TNG.  There had to be entertainment in there somewhere, right?

Jesus Herbert Christ, this episode was goddamn horrible.

1. It wastes the cast of TNG.  Let's get this out in the open first: this was a reunion of the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation even with Wil Wheaton and Denise Crosby and it's fucking wasted on a B story that gets maybe seven minutes out of the main story.  Poor Marina Sirtis got two lines, Gates got two - what the hell?  This should have been the main story with NO B plot.  Completely wasted.

2. It was a Meg episode.  Take the episode that reunites the TNG cast and turn it into a Meg episode.  That's like someone promising you a PS3 and then taking a shit on it right in front of you.  Let's face it, you're going to take the PS3 even if it is shitty.

3. Seth McFarlane on his goddamn soapbox again.  We get it, Seth, you think that you're a more highly evolved human being than the rest of society and you want to educate us on how you think.  Well, you must be a paragon of evolution considering that your medium for delivery is a farting fat man and a baby that wants to commit matricide.

4. The Atheist debate.  Without going into the whole "is there or ain't there a God?" debate, this episode was just completely unfair.  I haven't set foot in a church for years and really never intend to again unless it's for a wedding or a funeral and, let me tell you, I am really going to have to like you before I go to either, but this episode's treatment of religious folks was appalling - simply appalling.  I mean, come on... they were depicted as intolerant assholes who burn books.  This depiction of an extreme is the same kind of shit that the Klan uses against black people.  Nice company you're keeping, Seth!

5. It wasn't funny.  I laughed at Adam West's "filthy brown God" comment and that was it.

Seriously, someone needs to kick Seth McFarland off his damn soapbox and teach him how to be funny on Family Guy again.  He has no problem with American Dad - what the hell has gotten so difficult with Family Guy?

 ARCHIVE

August 24, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

QUICK JOKE #2

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus,"

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

QUICK JOKE #3

A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an ongoing challenge at this particular bar.

"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest of the money."

The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.

"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is. A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."

Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates his chest and prods the bartender on.

"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."

"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.

"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."

Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars stare on, having seen many men fail.

After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.

As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye. The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and says,

"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth pulled?"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Several of you loyal website visitors wrote in about the story I posted about my dog getting dognapped out of my house.  Here's a couple of them.

Dear Jonathan C.,

The neighbors haven't been dumb enough to try anything yet.  I'm pretty sure that the cops let them in on the fact that if they fuck up again, there will be consequences because they will run inside anytime we go to the backyard - like watching roaches retreat from light.  It's a great feeling.

Love,
Donner

Dear I2Much2BareI,

I think we were very fortunate that Chip wasn't abused when he was taken.  He's so old, I feel that any trauma would have probably been the end of him.  That being said, you have my sincere and absolute sympathy for what your dog went through.

I don't know - some people see dogs as part of the family while others see them as property.  I don't trust people who see them only as property.  Those people just aren't right emotionally.

Love,
Donner

HEALTH CARE REFORM AND GENERAL IDIOTS

I'm a little confused.

Tried and true right wingers - the extreme ones at least - didn't get angry when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed Bush as president, they didn't get mad when the Patriot Act was passed, destroying fundamental freedoms and rights, they didn't get mad when almost a trillion dollars went into a war that we got into through lies and fabricated data, they didn't get mad when Abu Grahib photos were released and it was revealed that the US was torturing prisoners, when 10 billion dollars disappeared in Iraq, when Cheney shot a man in the face and illegally wiretapped citizens, or when New Orleans was drowned and New York City was attacked in two instances where tragedy could have been avoided if those in charge would have at least looked at reports on their desks.

What made the right-wingers angry frothing mad to the point that they're disrupting political discourse and bringing guns to political events?  It was when the president decided that everyone has a right to health care.

Health care.

For some reason, the idea that, when you're sick, you should be able to get help and not have to suffer or be buttfucked by hospitals and insurers have really lit a fire under the far right - to the point that they're comparing a mixed-race president to Hitler.  In the words of Barney Frank, what planet do these people spend the majority of their times on?

I know that the empty headed right are getting most of their information spoon fed to them by the likes of Sean Hannity, Bill O'Rielly, Glen Beck, Sara Palin, and the army of bold-faced liars out there on the airwaves spouting things about Death Panels, the government getting into your bank accounts, and Soylent Green being people, but the most astounding thing about this group is that none of them have read the bill - none of them!  They know nothing other than the misinformation spoon fed to them by the organizations and individuals who stand to make the most profit by our terrible health care system remaining how it is.

For wanting to help people, my president is Hitler?  Really?  Really?

Again, the last eight years before Obama took over has been lost in convenient conservative amnesia.

I am always surprised at the power of stupid people in large numbers.  They scream the word socialism without understanding its ramifications - that the fire department used to be capitalistic and you would have to pay them before they would put out a fire but the Nazieqsue government of the 18th century, led by our socialist forefathers, put a stop to that.  Some practices should be socialist.  You want to use that word negatively, fine, but the simple truth of the matter is that being healthy should not be a privilege, it should be a right just like not having a burning home is!

And yet, this is the agenda of a Nazi.

Lies, wars, torture, and death are all okay by the right, but helping a fellow human being is not?

Obama should stop being such a goddamn pussy and push the legislation through: give it to these right-wing idiots whether they like it or not and then, when 2012 comes around, he should sit there and look at Mitt Romney or Sara Palin or whatever other evil bastard is running against him and say, "Fuck you, bitches, you've been goddamn lying and sitting in our way for four years and now you want in charge?"

Even the idiots comparing Obama to Hitler and enjoying the fruits of a much better health care system that hasn't killed their grandmother, stolen from their savings account, or forced them to buy government insurance will have to acknowledge the tsunami of bullshit this entire fiasco has been.

 ARCHIVE

August 17, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

QUICK JOKE #2

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!""

QUICK JOKE #3

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting only the finest bellringers in the country.

There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed on or retired, and one year, when they spread the word of their need for a new master, there was a dearth of qualified candidates. They would have been good enough for any other monastery, but not this one. Better to have silent bells than anything less than the best.

As they were despairing at the quality of candidates, a man with no arms paid a visit to apply for the position. The monks were amazed and protested that this was no time for joking. But the man insisted, said he was from a family of famous bellringers, and he would show them what he could do. He drew back, lowered his head, and charged full speed at the bell. The monks was horrified, but could not stop him. And the sound -- oh my, you should have been there! It was indeed a sound worthy of that monastery. It rang thruout the valley, and people everywhere stopped in their tracks and nodded to each other that at last a worthy bellringer had been found.

But alas, it was not to be. For the impact so stunned the poor armless man that he stumbled dizzily and fell over the cliff. The head monk ran down the steps to where a crowd had gathered, and a policeman spoke to him. "Do you know this man?" The monk sighed, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The search continued. One day not long after, another armless man showed up and presented himself as the previous man's brother. He was there to uphold the family honor, and would show them what a good bellringer could do. The monks protested, but too late -- he also drew back and charged full speed into the bell. And once again, the most beautiful sound pealed out over the valley, such that even the birds circled around to see what was happening. And once again, he was so stunned that he too fell over the cliff in a daze.

Once again the head monk scrambled down the stairs to meet the crowd and a policeman. Again he was asked if he knew the deceased. "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

GOT JOKE?

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Dear Monica,

Sorry, hon, but you dumped yourself in with the idiots people when you subscribed to that retarded theory that we never landed on the moon.  Listen, I could go into the science of it all and everything, but that would probably loose you so let me just offer up this final devastating nail in the coffin to the retarded moon conspiracy coffin.

Baby, we were in a space race with the Soviets.  We hated their guts and they hated ours.  If not for a couple of rockets exploding on the launch pad, they might have gotten to the moon first, as a matter of fact.  These people, who hated our capitalistic guts and who, some years before, put nuclear missiles off the coasts of Florida because they wanted to blow us all up listened to the Apollo 11 mission all the way to the moon and back.  If they never offered up the possibility that the landing was faked, it wasn't fucking faked.  You honestly think they would have let us get away with something like that?  Lady, please.

Of course, if you don't believe me, there's always this shot of the Apollo 11 site on the surface of the fucking moon.

It wasn't faked, never was, fuck you.

Love,
Donner

THE OLD DOG'S ADVENTURE or HOLY SHIT, OUR NEIGHBORS ARE CRIMINAL SOCIOPATHS!

After getting back home last week from a simply marvelous vacation to Mickeyland, some very smelly swamps, and an island with fucktons of gay people on it, the little woman and I were looking foreword to a week of putting our feet up and relaxing.  Oh, how wrong the assumption was that we were going to do that.  How very wrong.

I've written some on both subjects, but since I know the majority of you folk are lazy bastards and won't look up the stories, let me sum this up to you:

I have neighbors.  Love them all... but there's always the house that has to make it their personal mission to shit on everyone's good days and for us, it's the dickshits in the house behind us.  Just to give you an example of the depravity that this man and his psycho-bitch wife pull on this neighborhood: they complained to our Home Owners Association that the wife and I had excessive bird feeders.  We had two.  They called the cops on our other neighbor's daughter's birthday party.  She's fifteen.  They harassed a pregnant woman who had a security light in her back yard because her husband was out of the state and she was afraid.  They have gotten into our back yard at least three times and, on one occasion, torn up a garden.  They're just sick people.

I also have this dog.  He's eighteen years old and, in dog years, that's deceased.  He's a small dog, about 12 pounds, and doesn't move.  The poor thing can't see, can't hear, and can barely walk.  He wears diapers because he's incontinent.

I saw him one night at about 12:30 when I went downstairs for a glass of water.  By 6:00 AM the next day, Chip had disappeared from our home.

We searched for a few hours (keep in mind, this dog can't jump and can't climb stairs) thinking that maybe he was stuck or had died somewhere but came up empty.  I was getting frantic because I've had this dog since I was 15 and all I could think about was him stuck and suffering somewhere.

I expanded the search outside even though I knew I had seen him in the house the night before.  That's when I saw one of my good neighbors who told me that my gate was open that morning and that he shut it for us.

Goddamn it.

I checked the back door.  It was unlocked.

Didn't take long for me to piece together what had happened.  I was just aghast at the sickness of it all.  Of the evil and petty act that had just been committed against us.

While my wife and I slept, someone got into our backyard, opened the back door, and took my 18 year-old dog from our house.

We wondered: of all dogs, why him?  Why not the two younger and (sorry, Chip) cuter dogs?  Why not Evil Kitty or the other two cats?

The answer was obvious.  The two dogs were upstairs with us, the cats would run.  Chip would have just laid there and slept.

We called the police, filled out the report, and told them about the neighbors.  They said, understandably, that without proof there was nothing they could do but did unofficially tell me that they would be watching how they parked their vehicles real close in case they violated some ordinance.  The cop, for her part, was pretty stunned that someone would steal a "special needs" animal as well and called the neighbors "sociopaths."

I saw the man in his backyard and motioned for him to come to the fence.  He tried to ignore me, but I hoisted myself up and looked at him as he walked inside.  "You're a sick sonofabitch," I yelled at him, "and if I catch you in my house I'm feeding you to that psycho bitch wife of yours!"

Never said a word.  The little quivering clit just walked inside.  I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't.  I started to fantasize about waiting downstairs late at night for them to try it again, only to leap out and stab them in the forehead with a kitchen knife.  In all my years, it's the first time I ever seriously considered buying a gun.

I started to picture Chip being taken out of the house.  He wouldn't have known what was going on.  I knew that they probably killed him.  Smacked him in the head with something or cut his throat.  He has such a sad yelp when he's hurt and just thinking of him making it as someone did harm to him made me cry.

I mourned the dog for two days, but I didn't give up.  I called animal shelters, I did some footwork.  I knew the odds of finding him were low, but I also knew that if I didn't try, the question would be on my head for years.

It was at the last shelter, one miles and miles from the house, that we found him.  The attendant opened the door to the room where they were keeping the small dogs and he was in the first cage I looked at - sleeping, of course.  Cynical and emotionally raw, I saw him and choked out the words, "It's him!  It's him!" before I started bawling like a little schoolgirl.  I stuck my fingers into the cage to touch him to make sure he was actually real.  He turns and looked at me with cloudy sleepy eyes as if to say, "Where the fuck have you been, daddy?"

We brought him home, gave him a bath, and have spent the last two days trying to stop a tidal wave of doggie diarrhea from gushing from his asshole from whatever they fed him there.  As soon as I'm paid again, I'm sending the Fort Worth Animal Shelter a nice donation.

As for Chip, he's spent the time since sleeping and pooping (though, it appears we've got that problem under control) apparently unaware of how close he came to doggie heaven.  I know he's 18 and doesn't have that much time left, but I find solace in the fact that he's going to live out his days here with me and not at the hands of evil neighbors or the cold needle of an Animal Control officer.

We've also got alarms on the doors now so if the neighbors are bold enough to try and get in again, we'll know.

Of course, there are those nights when I go downstairs, turn the backyard door alarm off, and sit in the darkness with a knife just waiting for them to be stupid enough to come into my home one more time.  They will walk in, but they will limp out - if at all.

I wish I could say that last part is a joke.