ARCHIVE

June 15, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

QUICK JOKE #2

Three nuns were attending a Rugby League Grand Final in Brisbane.

Three men were sitting directly behind. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area..

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Sydney ... There are only 100 nuns living there.."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Tasmania .. There are only 50 nuns living there.."

The third guy said, "I want to go to New Zealand ... There are only 25 nuns living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!""

QUICK JOKE #3

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing"! She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing"! She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold"?

GOT JOKE?

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Dear Coby,

I'm thinking yes, but in a different format.  Perhaps a bi or tri weekly youtube show.  Stay tuned for more details.

Love,
Donner

I DON'T LIKE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD

A couple of weeks back, I was informed of the tragic passing of someone I used to know.  I won't go into details about who he was or what happened, but needless to say it was an accident and he went way before someone his age should have gone.

It was my mom who called me early in the morning to tell me of "Bob's" passing.  My response was cold, I admit, because all I could answer was, "So?"

Bob, you see, was in my Senior class when I graduated and apparently this was supposed to afford me some kinship with the man.  The truth is, though, I didn't like him and I didn't really see how his being dead suddenly would change any of that.  He was still a prick, he was still someone who pretty much tried his best to make my high school career a living hell for me, and now all of the sudden I was supposed to feel bad that an epic act of stupidity on his part had ended his life?

I don't want anyone to think that I was happy he was dead and, to be honest, if I had the power to time travel one of the first things I would do would be to prevent the accident that killed Bob, but I'm just not broken up.  Hearing about his death had about as much an effect on me as hearing about the death of someone on the other side of the planet.  I just don't care and I'm not going to put on airs like I do.  I'm not a hypocrite and I'm not acquainted with his family to act like I care.  I just didn't like the guy.

So, everyone thinks I'm an asshole.  Fine.  I refused to go to his funeral and I refused to shed crocodile tears and I'm the asshole?  Listen, I'm not one to hold a grudge and have gone on to become friends with a lot of people who were pricks when I first met them -- he never made the effort, his behavior was prickish up until the last time I saw him, and my affection for someone does not increase simply because someone is dead.

Perhaps I am cold on this matter, but I just can't bring myself to care and I really doubt that if our positions were reversed, Bob would be caring that much about me either.

I just don't get why I'm the village jackass all of the sudden.

 ARCHIVE

June 15, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

The doctor said, "Jerry, the good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.


He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Jerry laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Jerry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "Howabout a new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Jerry and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Jerry was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Jerry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Jerry was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Jerry was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Jerry thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Jerry laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

QUICK JOKE #2

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

QUICK JOKE #3

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who!

1) would treat her nicely,

2) wouldn't run away from her, and

3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Paulina,

Goddamn, I hope so!

Love,
Donner

I BLEW IT UP!  GOD DAMN ME!  GOD DAMN ME TO HELL!

Biggest query I have gotten all week: why have I taken Donner's Movie Reviews out back and shot it?

For one thing, it was rabid.  Secondly, I think it was time.  The old site was becoming more and more troublesome and, since I started doing the video reviews, much much more of a burden that was destroying the time I was spending elsewhere.  Instead of just stopping the video reviews, I just decided to take the old site to the vet and have it put peacefully to sleep.

This wasn't an easy decision for me.  Even though the site lives on at http://www.critical-condition.com, Donner's Movie Reviews was one of the first pages I cobbled together on this dinky little site, but it was showing its age and it was showing lots of dysfunction thanks to the clashing styles that evolved as the site grew.

Over time, the reviews will be moved completely to Critical Condition where I hope to gain membership into a film critics society and get a place on the Rotten Tomatoes tomatometer.  That's the promise of the new place: somewhere I can just be clean and professional, and make a name for myself doing what I love - something I just couldn't do with Donner's Movie Reviews.

I will miss the general swearing and immaturity of doing reviews at Donner's, but I think that the new site will be twice what the old one was if given time.  The layout is sexy, the reviews look great, and like I said - it gives me an opportunity to really do something I love for real.

Stick with it, children, and join me on my journey!

Donner's Movie Reviews is dead.  Long live Critical Condition!

 ARCHIVE

June 8, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

Little Johnny and Clarissa are walking down the street, when Little Johnny says to Clarissa 'Climb up that tree and I'll give you 5 dollars!"

So she climbed up the tree, and received 5 dollars. She went home shouting 'Mommy mommy I got 5 dollars from Johnny just for climbing up the tree!'

Her mom looked at her and said ' He just wants to see your underwear.'

The next day Little Johnny said 'Climb up the tree and I'll give you 10 dollars ' So she climbed up the tree happily knowing she would receive 10 dollars. She ran home shouting ' Mommy mommy! I received 10 dollars from Little Johnny for climbing up the tree! I'M RICH!'

Her mom sighed and said, 'Clarissa , I've told you this before. He just wants to see your underwear.'

The next day Little Johnny did the same thing, But this time he offered her 25 dollars. She climbed up happily and ran home to her mom saying 'MOMMY MOMMY! LOOK! I got 25 dollars from Little Johnny for climbing up the tree!'

Her mom said 'LOOK, I've told you this before.. he just wants to see your underwear!'

Clarissa sighed, 'But mommy, I tricked Johnny! Today I didn't wear any underwear!'

QUICK JOKE #2

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

QUICK JOKE #3

Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first man was a United Auto Worker who said his dog could do math calculations. He dog was named T-Square and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle; which the dog did with no sweat.

The United Steel Worker member said he thought his dog was better. His dog, named Slide-Rule was told to fetch a dozen cookies and bring them back and divide them into four piles of three; which Slide-Rule did with no problems.

The Oil Chemical and Atomic Worker member said that was good but he felt his dog was better. His dog, named Measure, was told to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three agreed this was very good and all the dogs were smart. They all turned to the Teamster member and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Teamster member called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said, "Show the fellows what you can do!"

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed for Worker's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Sky,

You are, sky.  With all those clouds and birds and shit.

Love,
Donner

A-KON DALLAS: THE POST GAME WRAP UP

The amusing thing about me going to A-Kon in Dallas is that I don't like Anime.  I mostly went because I had a free ticket and I haven't been to a con since 1997.  Why not?

I have to admit, I was lost as the only "anime" I ever really watched was Dragonball Z until I discovered it was nothing more than thirty minutes of heavy breathing but I went and took pictures of the freaks in attendance.  Enjoy!

 ARCHIVE

June 1, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

QUICK JOKE #2

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

QUICK JOKE #3

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note that said, "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed back the tests.

The student received his test and $64 change.

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Tyler,

Of course you do.  Loving my website is scientifically proven to increase your libido and attract the opposite sex - even the same sex, if that's what you're into.  What's not to love about it?  We're Ain't it Cool News without all of the red hair and fat.  We're Twitter without the losers.  We're Cyanide and Happiness with only 10 percent of the rape jokes.

Love,
Donner

NIGHT OF THE LIVING MORMONS

I've heard stories of this before, but it's never happened to me.  I opened the door after hearing my doorbell chime - I was working on a project that I have in the tubes and so I was understandably annoyed - when what to my wondering eyes should appear but two members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint.  My lips sneered and a raspy voice in my head like that of Cobra Commander spoke to me.... "mormonssssssss."

One of them was hunched over looking at this thing my father in law put on our door as part of a blessing he did on the house - nothing I believe in as I'm agnostic but I figure, if it makes him feel useful, what's the harm?  Besides, it's got a star of David on it and I kind of like it when people assume I'm Jewish.  I don't know why... I guess it's like if you're talking to an operator and she assumes you're black - it just feels like a victory.

This guy... this Elder Something or Other stands up straight as though he had been caught, "Hello, sir, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."

"Okay."

"We're spreading the word of--  Are you Jewish?"

"Shalom," I said.

"Ah, well, I hope you keep an open mind about Jesus, then..."

"I'm not Jewish."

The Mormon blinked, "Oh, I thought that--"

"I'm just messing with you," I said tapping on the thing on the door, "truth is, I don't know what the hell this thing is.  My father-in-law put it up."

"What religion is he?"

"I don't know," I responded with a shrug, "He took me to his church one time and the second people started speaking in tongues, I was inching towards the door."

"I see," he said, "What faith do you subscribe to?"

"I don't go to church," I said, "I'm not much of a believer in anything."

"Then why do you have the blessing on your door?"

"It makes my wife happy, it makes my father-in-law happy, so what's the harm?"

He blinked again like he had just noticed I had a conjoined fetus growing on the side of my face, "Your wife is a believer and you're not?"

"That's right."

I had apparently just blown the young elder's mind and discovered a new onomatopoeia in the same breath.  This is turning into a good day.

The guy went into his sales pitch about Jesus coming to the Native Americans and everything that South Park made fun of and then offered me a free book of Moron.  Part of me was tempted because, even though I don't buy into religions, I'm fascinated by them and would love to know why they think that polygamy is okay.

Then, I realized, if I did take one they would be back and I'm just too goddamn antisocial to allow that, so I politely declined.

It was hot and by this point, I really just wanted them to leave.

"Is there anything that you think would prevent you from learning more about Mormonism?" he asked.

Thank you, God.

"Yeah," I said, "Proposition 8."

"Proposition 8?" he repeated.

"It was wrong," I said, "It is wrong and I think that the way the Mormon Church conducted itself was shameful and disgusting."

"Oh, well it was motivated by-"

"I know what it was motivated by," I said, "It was motivated by the same religious nonsense that said different races shouldn't marry each other.  It was hate, pure and simple.  It was something that a church wanted to control and stamp out and they got their wish,"  I added a cryptic, "for now."

"Obviously, we have a difference of opinion," he said.

"Obviously," I replied without a hint of anger.  Truth was, I kind of liked the kid.  We shook hands and I watched him leave on his cute little bike.  I sighed and shut the door wondering when the Jehovah Witnesses would find me.

Then, I looked in my hand at the little pamphlet he gave me and the strangest thought went through my head, "Would becoming a Mormon really be that bad of an idea?  I could really fuck with people if I converted - especially my parents who are still spinning from the news that I haven't set foot in a church since I was married."

I shook my head.  It would be a grand prank, but then again... I just left the Baptist Church.  Would I be ready to join another cult?

I quietly laid the pamphlet on the dinner table.  My mother will be visiting this weekend and it would be totally worth it to watch her pick the thing up and give me suspicious glances.  Let me just put it this way - I would not deny anything.

Next Week: PICTURES FROM A-KON DALLAS!!!