March 30, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

QUICK JOKE #2

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah." "

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

QUICK JOKE #2

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

GOT JOKE?

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Dear StigAussie,

First of all, congratulations on your assholism!

Secondly, I'm not sure exactly what frivolities you have on planet Dumbfuck, but here on Earth that shit don't exist.

I don't come to your work and knock the dick out of your ass, so please don't tell me how to run my shit.

Love,
Donner

WHY I NEVER TAKE MY GRANDMOTHER TO THE MOVIES

I've been bitching and whining a lot lately, so I thought I would tell an amusing story.

For some reason or another, I agreed to take my Grandmother to see the movie Big Momma's House while it was in theaters mostly just to get her the heck out of the house for a while.

We sit in the darkened theaters populated by a larger-than-normal amount of black people and watch the movie all the way up to the end which takes place in a black church.

My grandmother, without a hint of hatred or malice in her voice, said in a very loud voice: "You know, that's really the way them niggers celebrate church."

A hundred dark eyes swung over to us.  I sank in my chair.

"Jesus, Granny!" I whispered.

"What?"  I never even occurred to her that she had done something wrong.  She didn't hate black people, it was just her way of referring to them - a product of her upbringing and elderly stubbornness.

Meanwhile, there I am.  At the time, I have a black girlfriend, dozens of black friends, I've celebrated my first Kwanzaa recently, and helped plan Black History Month festivities at a college... and I was about to get my ass kicked simply for the fact that beating up a woman in her seventies isn't cool - the fat white guy with her... now he's fair game.

The movie ended, I grabbed her arm, and we left quickly... pushing down several children and war veterans along the way.  No fucking way was I stopping for anything.

Long story short: I didn't die that night and managed to get home without major incident.  I know that she didn't mean anything by it, but Granny got a lecture from me about her everyday use of racist terms.  She had just been blessed with a blackish (or at least off-white) granddaughter and agreed that she had to change.  From that day on, I never heard her say the word again.

Happy ending, I know... so why don't I take my grandmother to movies anymore?    The last movie I took her to was Me, Myself, and Irene and, after the scene with the dildo, she's politely refused to go with me anymore.

  March 23, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

QUICK JOKE #2

So this kid never says anything. He's ten years old and has never said a word his entire life. His parents are naturally overwrought with concern.

They take him to specialists, they read books on psychology, they do everything they can to pique his interest, but nothing seems to work.

They are literally at their wits end when one day at the dinner table, out of the blue, kid says -- "Soup's cold".

Needless to say his parents are completely in shock and, of course, at the same time overjoyed. "He can talk", blurts out the Mom!

Dad says, "After all this time, after all the therapy sessions, after everything we've done to try to get you to talk, how come you've never said anything"?

Kid says, "Well, up until now everything's been fine".

QUICK JOKE #2

Three year-old little Billy is sitting on the toilet for over an hour so his mother sticks her head in to see what is wrong.  Billy says, "I'm okay, mommy, I just haven't been able to go doody yet."

"Well, all right," his mother said, "but why are you hitting yourself on the head like that?"

Little Billy says, "It works for ketchup!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear jacobiwankenobi,

If I'm in my right mind and sober, you'll usually be able to find the post on the Rotten Tomatoes forums Monday mornings or Sunday Nights.  It usually bubbles to the top of the forum every day, so the best thing to do is just look out for it or do a search of my most recent posts.

Love,
Donner

SO, I CAME OUT TO MY MOM THIS WEEK

Over Spring Break my sister was kind and courteous enough to go into labor during a convenient time for me and I was able to go home to be present for the birth of my new baby nephew, a beautiful boy they've named Jackson which was a name I liked, but they had their kid first, so who am I to bitch about their rampant name-stealing.

While I was there, I was talking to my mom and she mentioned something about going to church and I let it slip - something I really didn't mean to - that I don't go to church anymore.

Keep in mind, this is a very pious Southern Baptist woman.  She looked at me as if my head cracked open and my skull burst into flames.

"Oh, you haven't found a church you like, yet?" she asked.  Oh, God, I could tell that she was looking for a remnant of that little boy she had escorted to church all those years ago.

At this point, I realize that I'm screwed and that lying really wouldn't help things, so I just came out of the closet right there and right then.  "No, I'm agnostic."

I should have told her I sucked dick.  There would be less drama.

"Oh, Jason," she said, "we raised you better than that!"

"I still think I'm a pretty good guy," I said, "I just don't believe in religion anymore."

"How can you not think that God exists?" she asked me.

"Oh, I still believe in a higher power," I reminded her - sure, she must think that atheism and agnostics run hand and hand, "I just don't think that any of the man-made religions have it right and, to be honest, I don't want to invest anymore of my time in them."

She was silent for a time.  "Is this why you've been so depressed?"

Let me jump in here for a moment and explain something.  I have suffered from depression most of my life.  It's something that I joke about here on occasion, but it's true - I'll be fine for months and then for about a week, I'll be so down and dreary and sad that I honestly just can't function.

"No," I said, "I've had depression my whole life and I'm bummed and disgusted because I'm not going to be moving out of Texas for the foreseeable future and you know how badly I hate it here."

"Maybe if you prayed about it, it would get better!"

"Hasn't worked so far," I said.  "Mom, I just don't believe in that anymore.  I haven't for a long time.  I'm sorry if you think that makes me a bad person, but that's just what I believe."

Nothing more was said of it for the whole trip, but I can't help but notice that my mom looks at me a little differently now.  She, my dad, and the rest of my family have always been God-fearing conservatives while I have had a more liberal slant.  I've had to defend my stances on abortion, stem cell research, and gay marriages but we've always been a family at the end of it.  We've always had a laugh afterwards and said, "Well, we may not agree on this but at least we still love each other."

I know I'm still loved, but I can't help but think that something has fundamentally changed and that it won't go back to the way it was.

That makes me sad.  Maybe I should have stayed in the God closet after all.

March 15, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

"Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of Depression?" He asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, Sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir I believe that would be giddy-up."

QUICK JOKE #2

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

QUICK JOKE #2

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition"!

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it"?

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass"?

The Arab said "Yes of course".

So we exchanged tanks!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Jerry,

Could they really see the little blinking light over the massive light of ten thousand pounds of igniting jet fuel?

Love,
Donner

WHERE THE HELL WAS I LAST WEEK?

A busy week for me was the reason that The Slightly Warped Website (also known as your sole reason for living) wasn't updated.  For one thing, there was the Watchmen movie... I had a lot of grading and deadlines to meet at work... Oh, yeah... I also found out that I'm going to be a daddy.

For those of you who have been following the drama of El Casa Del Donner you know that the little woman and I have been trying to adopt for almost two years now thanks to pleas that we not reproduce biologically.  As a result and, after two long years of waiting as the wheels of bureaucracy drag on, we were informed last Friday that we would be getting two boys around June.  I was elated, nervous, and generally shitting myself so I didn't update the site.  Honestly, I didn't even think about it until Monday which is my "Who gives a shit now, I'm not doing it," day.

I now find myself in a very strange situation in that I will soon and very suddenly find myself the father of two boys teetering on the edge of puberty and teenage idiocy.  We were thinking that we would be getting younger kids, but when we heard about the two that we were paired with, we just had this feeling that it was right.

It's a very strange feeling.  All I know about these two are their first names, nationality, a very general description of why they were in the system, and their general location but I can tell you right now that I love these boys more than anything else in the world.  I was always told that this was the feeling that you get when you adopt, but it's really indescribable until it actually happens to you.  I just heard their names and instantly loved them.

I have a feeling that when I finally get a picture of them, the feeling will only grow...

...unless they're really ugly.

  March 2, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

"Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he did eat it!"

QUICK JOKE #2

"You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like...

"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes"

and

"Remember the Alamo" and so on.

A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from.

It just so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.

He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.

A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead".

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.

What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there.

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while".

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place, we can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have"?

Washington said "Well ma'm, there are thirty two of us without Peters".

Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"

QUICK JOKE #2

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor" he asked?

"Yes, I am", said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth".

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother"?

"Yes, I am", said the mother.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born", he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father"?

"Yes, I am", his father answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it"!?!

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Tristan,

Those "weird ass words" you co colorfully refer to are the result of a glitch between my website editor and server and, by the sweet sexy tush of Allah, I pray that they have finally been irradiated.

Love,
Donner

WHO REALLY SUPPORTS BIG GOVERNMENT?

Ever since the stimulus package went in front of congress, we've been hearing the Right once again beat the drums that Democrats want big government with big spending.   I know I swore off politics for a while, but I cannot let this thing stand.  I simply cannot.  It's simply the biggest tidal wave of liquid elephant shit to ever deluge this great nation.

This is the thing I have a problem with: While I will admit that the thought of passing an 800 billion dollar rescue makes me wretch.  Truth be told, I would rather shoot shit out of my dick that see money go to companies that are failing because they are either run by greedy bastards or incompetent morons, but this is the nature of the beast - we've got few options and a limited amount of time to set things right.

Well, this has got Republicans going to the airwaves lecturing us all about how this is nothing more than big government -- that the plans to put people to work on government projects are just another way that the democrats want to inflate the power of government to run everything and turn the masses into pigs at a feeding troth.

I will admit... 800 billion dollars is a daunting number, but if you quadruple that number, that's how much has been spent on the Iraq war.  That's how much money was pissed away by Republicans, and now they want to lecture us?

I'll tell you what this administration is doing; They are reigning in corporations that were unleashed during the last eight years.  You would think that we would learn that goddamn deregulation wouldn't work one of these days, but we never seem to.  Companies whose sole purpose is to make money cannot be trusted to police themselves.  It didn't work in the 20's, it didn't work in the 70's and 80's and it didn't work now.  Great, let's reign them in, slap regulations on them, and demand accountability.  Nothing wrong with a little big government in that sector.

I mean, it's not like they're telling us how to live our lives or anything.  It's not like the Democrats are telling us, "No, you can't marry that person" or "No, you have to keep that baby."  It's not like they're saying, "You can't burn that flag" or "Dissent is treason" because, if I'm not mistaken, that's the party line of the Republicans... who have the brass balls and gumption to try and tell us that they support little government while the whole time they are in power, they want to watch me, tap my phones, and keep track of what books I read.

Perhaps the next time a republican weasels into the White House and dances the whole dance of deregulation so that they and their lobbyists can make some nice money at the expense of all of us, maybe we Americans will finally have this lesson drilled into our heads.

Both sides represent a big government, but only one big government is on the little guy's side.

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