May 18, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

One day Jane ran into Tarzan in the jungle.  Jane was in one of those moods and she thought Tarzan was incredibly attractive, so, putting on her best come hither look that she could come up with, she started to ask him teasing and erotic questions.

Tarzan seemed rather clueless the entire time and Jane, getting more and more anxious, finally asked him, "What do you do for sex when you're out here all alone?"

Tarzan was confused.  "Me Tarzan not know what sex is!"

So, Jane explained it to him.  Tarzan grunted, "Me Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Jane was horrified, "No, Tarzan, you're doing it all wrong!  Let me show you how it's really done!"  With that, she took off all of her clothes, lay on the ground, and spread her legs.

"Here," she said pointing, "You have to put it in here!"

Tarzan ripped off his loincloth, walked over to Jane, and then kicked her as hard as he could in her crotch. 

Jane trashed in agony and, after a few minutes was able to choke out: "Oh my GOD, why did you do that!?"

Tarzan beat his chest.  "Me Tarzan check for squirrels!"

QUICK JOKE #2

Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came across a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.

The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

QUICK JOKE #3

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party? As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, " Son? what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!? Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Jan,

Nothing would make me happier than to help whores, but in the case of Starseeker, I'm doin' th' best I can!  When I was writing Justice Squad, I had a heck of a lot more free time than I do now - remember that lull in Justice Squad where the fifth season had a four month hiatus?  Unfortunately, that was the beginning of the slippery slope to no-can-do's-ville.

Nowadays, I am an overworked school employee and a soon to be instant father of two teenagers.  My free time in becoming more rare and precious by the hour.  Oh, for the days when I started a season and already had half the season in the can.  Now, I'm finishing up episodes the day they get published.

Forty episode seasons?  Forget it!  Can't do it.  I can't even finish a LOLA script or "Come Together," that massive fan fic I started last year (it's on fanficiton.net, go find it).

Long story short, the episodes will be ready when they're doggamn ready and stop bitching about it!

Love,
Donner

THAT WAS WEIRD...

I went to go watch the new Terminator movie the other night.  It wasn't that good, but the story is not about how epically boring but not as bad as Wolverine that Terminator turned out to be.

It all started when I realized I was cold.

You don't understand... I never get cold.  Call it a genetic abnormality or the three feet of blubber I have protecting my vitals, I just don't get cold.  When I first married my wife, she was amazed at my ability to go outside barefoot in the snow.  She stopped me before I demonstrated how to do naked snow-angels, but I think I have made my point clear.  I'm wearing shorts in twenty degree weather.  I just don't get cold.

Summers are a living hell for me as my body, apparently adapted to survive in Barrow, turned into a sweating pulsating and whining blob of shit until autumn.

Yet there I was, in a movie theater, cold.  Shivering.  Teeth clattering.

WTF?

I get out to the car with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and mention to them that I was cold.  Both of them looked at me like I grew a dick out of one of my nostrils.  For one thing, they told me, it's hot and secondly... aren't you naked snow angel guy?

Things only got worse from there.  It turned out I was running a 104 degree fever and getting woozy.  No nausea or vomiting, but I was sure that not everything was copasetic.  I banished myself to the spare bedroom and piled every spare blanket on myself trying to escape the cold.

My last thought as I lost consciousness was, "If this is Swine Flu, it's proof that God has a sense of humor and hates the living fuck out of me."

The next morning, I felt like a punching bag and the sheets were soaked with sweat, but... nothing.  I was fine.  I've heard of 24 hour bugs, but a 10 hour bug?  Weird.  Just weird.

As a completely unrelated side note:  A few of you expressed interest in the blogs I did a few years ago when my wife and I lived in a house that had a ghost (the old woman) and the strange things that happened there.  (The rest of you laugh if you want, but this is serious shit!) 

Everything pretty much culminated a couple of years back after my wife's grandmother died.  We left the ghost house, moved to an apartment over 250 miles away, and everything stopped until that night when I woke up and saw an old woman's face hovering over my bed.  When I made a surprised noise, it vanished like smoke and we never saw or heard from the ghost again.

Last night, as I was shaking off the last vestiges of my sickness, my dog starts frantically barking at an empty hallway and wouldn't stop.

That night as I once again slept in that spare bedroom to avoid giving the weird disease to my wife, I heard footsteps and a voice that shouldn't have been there.  I jumped out of bed and looked.

Nothing.

I'll keep you updated.

May 18, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and  there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

QUICK JOKE #2

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphilis. Vive la France!"

QUICK JOKE #3

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled "SHIT!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Jiddu,

I appreciate the offer, but I hear that bottoms are in a high-risk group, so I must decline.

Love,
Donner

JESUS CHRIST!  WHY THE FUCK IS THE GROUND SHAKING!?

All right, seriously, what the fuck kind of weird pre-apocalypse 2012 bullshit is going on here?  Saturday, I'm doing what would would expect a virulent young stud such as myself would do -- playing Wii -- when all of the sudden there is this booming sound and the house shakes.  My two modles of the Enterprise are swinging wildly from their strings and I'm grasping my wiimote next to my chest, sending poor Mario falling off of Honeycomb mountain wondering what the fuck just transpired.

It was an earthquake.  A goddamn earthquake!  A goddamn earthquake in Texas!  (link)  Granted, a 3.3 is chickenfeed to most everyone else in the world, but this is Texas and that shit just doesn't happen here!  Drop an F5 tornado on us, A Category 5 hurricane, a swine flu pandemic, or Mexicans on us and we don't blink.  Shake the fucking ground underneath our feet and we go apeshit.

It's been the talk of the town all day.  This is actually the 3rd earthquake in ten months to hit this area and already I'm hearing the whackos come out of the woodwork.  Some are claming that we've offended God because New York, Maine, and Iowa are allowing gay marriage.  First of all, let's consider the history here -- didn't we kill God's kid?  If that didn't piss God off enough to kill the entire human race, why would a couple of homos tying the knot do the trick?  And wouldn't it make more sense for the Almighty to exact his wrath against, oh, I don't know... some of the states that allow gay marriage instead of the one that barely tolerates interracial dating?

I've even heard the tremor being blamed on windmills - you know, those quietly spinning pollution-free generators of electricity popping up like weeds all over the place?  Turns out that they can cause Earthquakes if they spin too fast!  Thank God that Texas' best and brightest minds are on the case or we'd really be fucked.

But, seriously, are we headed for a "big one?"  I can honestly say... man, I hope so.  That would be fucking awesome.  It would be like living in a real-life disaster movie or at least an exciting movie of the week.

So tune in to your TV set if North Texas is hit by a large earthquake -- I'll be the fat idiot in the background of CNN's reports screaming about "the most fun I've had in years!"

Also, if Texas is destroyed I can finally move to Alaska where, I'm sure, there's never been any seismic activity whatsoever.

Nope, not even a little.

 ARCHIVE

May 11, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

QUICK JOKE #2

A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250, 000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter, " replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay, " said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50, 000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No, " replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50, 000 miles on it." "

QUICK JOKE #3

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the  blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?" "

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Tom Rae,

I have to admit, Texas is a truly depressing place to live right now and I would like nothing better than to leave, but tell me honestly... where else can I get a week off because of something called Swine Flu?  Tell me that was not awesome.

Love,
Donner

I THOUGHT THAT THEY LANDED ON THEIR FEET!

The damnedest thing happened; Something that has shaken my very belief in the nature of the universe.

Most people think that I have only one cat, Evil Kitty.  That's untrue.  Evil Kitty has two roommate, Smacky and Dookie.  Dookie, who is an adopted stray, has a small problem with peeing in the house.  That problem is that there is no place in the house she hasn't peed.  After cleaning up her latest torrential downpour in the freshly painted dining room, I decided to torment the fuzzy little asshole by putting her in the china cabinet and shutting the door.  It was a funny sight - five minutes of a cat on a glass shelf trying to figure out just how the hell it was levitating off the ground.

After a couple of plaintive yowls, I took pity on Dookie and took her out and that's when it happened -- Dookie panics, kicks herself out of my arms, and pinwheels through the air, landing on the ground.  She then crumples, holds her paw up, and starts howling.

Broken leg.

We did the best we could.  Made her a splint and gave her some liquid Motrine for the pain.  Then we took her to the vet and he gave her an almost identical splint and charged us 160 bucks.  Dookie had the damn thing tore off of her leg in an hour.

Thieves with stethoscopes.

So, we're going to have a gimpy kitty for a while, but the good news is at least she's stopped pissing in the house.

 ARCHIVE

May 4, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

QUICK JOKE #2

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my  company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be  counseling the big bosses on relations with their  secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I  popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense  accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever  wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

QUICK JOKE #3

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Skye,

Whoring this poor excuse for a website does my heart great joy, but not nearly as much as when someone whores it out for me.  For that, you have my eternal gratitude.

Love,
Donner

SWINE FLU: WHO CARES IF IT'S A STUPID OVERREACTION... I'M OFF FOR A WEEK!

You've got to love the good old American tradition of freaking the fuck out for no reason.  In a world where heart disease and obesity are running rampant, where AIDs continues to flourish, and regular flu kills over 30 thousand people a month, my whole county is pissing its pants over this whole Swine Flu thing.  Yeah, I know it's got a fancy new name with letters and numbers thanks to the Center for Disease Control so that we would take this fucking farce a little more seriously, but there's nothing serious about this.  America was on its knees quivering in fear for eight years under the false specter of terrorism... now we're afraid of muscle aches and diarrhea.

The true comedy of it all is that we're reacting with more sheer terror to this than we were the nonexistent bioweapons and nukes of the Bush administration.  I didn't get one single day off because the Twin Towers fell back in '01, but I'll be damned: some Mexican blows chunks in a classroom and I'm off work for a week.  A whole week!  I don't know whether to laugh about the whole thing or just break down crying at the sheer stupidity that we're all showing.

It's not just school -- Prom has been cancelled, after school activities were gone long before we were shut down.  Mayfest, job fairs, anything where people might officially congregate: forget about it!  All cancelled.

Want to know what we did today while everything was cancelled?  We helped the neighborhood kids get together and have a baseball game.  Yeah, we're doing our best to prevent infection, by God.

This isn't all fun and games, mind you.  My simpleton parents are now refusing to come and visit us as we live in the hotbed of Swine Flu ground zero and our whopping 15 confirmed cases of the stuff.  There's a real possibility that our adoption may be delayed thanks to the panick that this non-crisis has caused.

On the upside, it didn't take long for our governor to make a hypocritical ass of himself and that's always a good thing.  Mr. "Texas should succeed 'cause we don't need government money!" asked for over a billion dollars in federal money to fight this non-epidemic.

Thanks for giving me another reason not to vote on you, dickhole.

Goddamn, we're out of control and there's no reason for it.  This whole Swine Flu thing is utter bullshit.  Yeah, I know people have died but most of them are from Mexico and, honestly, have you been there?  The place is a sewer!  Come on, you know it is... the shit from America has to flow somewhere!  They can't afford proper care down there, they get sick, and die.  It sucks because, honestly, I do love the place and love her people - but you can treat this stupid disease with a regular flu shot.  That's it!

But, you know what?  Go ahead and continue to panic.  I'm currently getting paid to sit on my ass and do nothing.  It's the American dream.  Really.