The Slightly Warped Website

Saturday April 2, 2005

QUICK JOKE

On the last day of school, the teacher decided that it was time her and her kids had a little fun, so she decided to challenge them with a guessing game.

The teacher brought a tube of Lifesavers with her and told the class that she wanted them to guess the flavor of the candy just by looking at them.

First, the teacher held up a red Lifesaver. The children were perplexed, so the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint... it's the name of a doll whose last name is 'Shortcake!'"

Just then a little girl excitedly raised her hand and said, "Strawberry!"

"Very good!" the teacher said taking out a green lifesaver. "Now, what is this?"

The kids where once again confused. "I'll give you a hint," the teacher said putting it in her mouth. "When you're an important person to someone, you are the BLANK of their eye!"

"Apple!" a little boy yelled out.

"Very good!"

The teacher then took out a cream colored lifesaver and held it up. "Now, what is this?"

The children didn't know. The teacher wanted them to guess "honey" so she thought of a clue. "I'll give you a hint," she said, putting it in her mouth. "This is what your mother calls your father when he gets home from work."

Just then, a little boy in the back leaped to his feet and screamed, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT, QUICK! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

QUICK JOKE II

A father was helping his son with his homework, but the son didn't understand the difference between theory and fact. The father told him, "Son, go ask your sister if she'd have sex with a stranger for a million dollars."

The son walked off for a little bit and then came back. "She said she would, dad."

"All right," the dad said, "Now, go ask your mom the same question."

The son left again. We he came back, he said, "Dad, she said that she'd have sex with a complete stranger for a million dollars too!"

"Well that's the difference between theory and fact," the dad explained. "In theory, we're all millionaires... but the fact is, we're just living with a couple of whores."

QUICK JOKE III

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

APRIL FOOLS!

Yeah, yeah... I've heard what a large asshole I am for turning the main page into an eyesore for April Fool's Day. All I can say is, get a sense of humor, you jackasses.

Personally, I'm getting a little tired of all these humorless deadbeats out there thinking that they are too cool for a prank or too... that they are somehow above April Fool's Day jokes. You know what? No one is above them and, as long as there are melancholy pricks like you out there writing your shitty poetry and looking down on everyone else, us pranksters will always have our April Fools to mess around with. YOU, you laughless pile of unjoy, are the biggest jokes of all.

FINALLY!

To Hell with my usual socially relevant commentary this week. Dammit, I've got some great news for me and me alone. After 2 years of marriage, I'm FINALLY going to get to go on a honeymoon with my wife.

We're going on a cruise down to Cozumel, Mexico. It's not going to be completely luxurious, but we've scrimped and saved for this and we're happy. So, come May, me and the honey will vamos to the ancient ruins of Chichin Itza and Tulum... or just the pool aboard the Ecstasy.

Which is kind of funny in itself because when Amy first told me the name of the ship that we were going on, I knew I had heard the name before. So, I did a search on Carnival's Ecstasy and this is what I came up with.

Holy crap! I've booked my honeymoon on a flaming ship of death!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Are you getting impatient waiting for the end of the world? So are the guys over at Exodus 2006 where they claim to know exactly what will bring about the fall of civilization and, despite my predications, apparently it won't be The Tony Danza Show.

Apparently, using that bullshit bible code that will let you find cryptic phrases if you rearrange the random letters in anything, the Exodus 2006 group believe that we will meet our end at the hands of a World War in 2006, an asteroid impact in 2010, and ultimately we will all be turned into crispy critters by a corona ejection in 2012.

Personally, I think it's horseshit and a little arrogant to assume that the End of Days will be in our lifetimes, but the Exodus 2006 group has all kinds of nasty scenarios for our demise, including the eruption of a supervolcano in Yellowstone, the reversal of the Earth's poles, and more!

Hey, they are full of crap, but they are entertaining! Go check it out.

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Elseworlds is only couple of weeks away from ending, but until then the massive Justice Squad event is continuing with "The Revenge of Free Radio," an episode without a plot or direction or any of that nonsense that makes a good story.

Fun with Photoshop is taking on Sin City this week with over 100 new pictures from the most warped minds on the internet. Next week, we're having the Silver Riddick Awards where the photoshoppers of Fun with Photoshop and the fans who just like to look will vote on their favorites. Go to Rotten Tomatoes now or visit the nomination thread at the Forums to nominate your favorite!

As promised, there's a bunch of new reviews at the Movie Review Page including Guess Who, The Ring Two, and Robots!

Finally, there are lots of new diversions at the Arcade! Check those nasty bad boys out and see how your skills rate!

And stay tuned! I know I keep saying it, but I mean it! We've got BIG NEWS coming up in the weeks ahead! I mean it! I really do!

That's it from me this week. Take care, drive safe, don't take candy from strangers, look both ways before crossing the street, and before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Hasta la bye-bye.

Friday April 8, 2005

QUICK JOKE

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

A BIT LATE, BUT...

I'm not a Catholic... in fact, truth be told, I find them a little weird. None the less, my condolences to Catholics everywhere for the loss of a pretty decent fellow.

FINALLY!

During the dark ages... which lasted between 1999 and 2002 when I was forced to live with my brother and a seemingly never-ending parade of retards that would camp out on our couch, I had a lot of stuff stolen from me. DVD box sets, money, stuff that I liked all seemed to just stroll out the door on a daily basis. Well, now that I'm married I don't have to put up with that shit anymore and I'm going about replacing all the stuff that disappeared.

One of those things is an N64 game called Conker's Bad Fur Day. Christ All Mighty, Conker's BFD is probably the greatest video game ever assembled and, thanks to Ebay, it's now back in my possession.

In case you've never heard of this genious of a game, let me fill you in. Conker is a red squirrel who goes on an all-night bender and wakes up hungover out in the middle of nowhere. Thanks to an equally drunk scarecrow named Birdy, Conker gets sobered up and sets out on an adventure to find his way home.

Oh, but wait... The evil Panther King's milk keeps spilling off of his table and his best Mad Scientist has discovered that a Red Squirrel is just the right height to keep the three-legged table from tipping over. So, of course, the Panther King sends his guards out to find a red squirrel that he can place under the broken leg.

While all this is going on, Conker is battling his way through strange worlds and movie parodies from Saving Private Ryan to Dracula and the Matrix... he even fights an enemy who is, I kid you not, an opera-singing pile of living shit.

If you've still got an N64 and have never played this delightfully raunchy game before, see if you can find it.

And, speaking of games, you may have noticed that slightlywarped.com is promoting a brand new game with our friends at THQ called Destroy All Humans.

This game looks just as fun as Conker's Bad Fur Day, so click on the links around the site and check it out for me. I'm not sure yet, but we may be getting a copy to give away in a couple of months, so stay tuned to win!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Ever wonder what would happen if you put grapes in the microwave? Me neither... but check it out anyway!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

The second to last Elseworlds story is on-line now and it's Justice Squad vs. Justice Squad vs. Justice Squad vs. Justice Squad! Check out "Follow that Sea Man" at the official Justice Squad page!

There is no Fun with Photoshop contest this week, but you can vote on your favorite pictures of the last three months with the official Silver Riddick Awards! The official voting thread is over at Rotten Tomatoes and the voting will be going on until Midnight on Sunday!

I'm going to have a Sin City and Miss Congeniality 2 review up on the movie review page sometime in the new future, also. I'm just being really lazy at the moment.

Oh yeah... and, um... big news coming and all that junk.

And that's it for me for now. Be good to one another and party on, dudes!

Chaio.

Friday April 15, 2005

QUICK JOKE

One day, a man named Tony died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos, Tony asked him what was going on. Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did." They both shook their heads and figured that, as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos and their two beastly women were walking along one day, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel-centerfold woman. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact, it was their friend John. They asked him how is it that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these digustingly awful women.

John replied, "I have no idea and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been positively the best time of my life (and I'm dead!) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Damn income taxes!"

IT'S INCOME TAX DAY

Like the rest of you, I fucking hate the IRS. This list has been around for a while, but to hell with it... here it is anyway. It's the best ways to mess with the IRS!

--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

--Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

--If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

--Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

YEE-HAW!

Tomorrow I'm going on a special commercial shoot to a flight school in Abilene where I'm going to spend all day riding around in jets. If there's no update next week, it means that I died horribly.

KILL EVERYONE?

Ever burn ants with a magnifying glass or pulled the wings off of flies for no good damn reason? If you have (and you have, you liar!) then do I have a game for you! Slightlywarped.com is promoting a brand new game with our friends at THQ called Destroy All Humans. In it, you play a group of aliens who, for no good reason, decide to come to Earth and terrorize the population with their alien weapons!

Check it out!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

I'm the kind of guy who likes to buy tasteless, tacky, or strange things for myself. Usually, I got those kinds of things at Spencers, but the one here in San Angelo shut down so I had to find other alternatives.

Recently, I found an internet site called Baron Bob's Bizzare Gifts and, let me tell you, this place has got some weird stuff. The Dog Poop Calendar, Evil Teddy Bears, a Sigmund Freud action figure? This is my kind of crap!

Check them out today!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

The finale of Justice Squad's Elseworlds saga is up on the offical Justice Squad page! We're visiting one last world before we send Sea Man home and, when he does get there, the experience is going to change him forever! It's "The Once and Future Kings!" Read it today!

Hey, to make up for the lack of Fun with Photoshop goodness last week, we have two... yes TWO galleries for your viewing pleasure.

The Winter 2005 Silver Riddick Awards honors the best photoshops from the last three months. We had some problems with the voting this time around, but I've got a new system worked out and, believe me, everyone will get a vote when we do the Spring awards.

Finally, our band of talented and psychotic photoshopping warriors have taken on the big screen hit, Sahara! Check that gallery out too!

At the movie review page, I've finally gotten off of my fat ass ad done some reviewing. Sin City, Miss Congeniality 2, Beauty Shop, and Spanglish. Go read them there reviews and see if you agree or if you're an idiot.

Big news coming later... blah, blah, blah, blah.

For God's sake, no more! Tune back in next week to see how my jet flight adventure turned out or at least see if this website becomes a cobweb thanks to be ending up in eight or nine smoking pieces at the bottom of a crater.

Thanks to everyone who clicks on the website's sponsor links! You're actually making this site less of a hassle to maintain! So please, continue to click away at the Google and Destroy All Humans ads. Who knows, you might actually enjoy the material goods I am whoring.

That's the end for me. See yous guys next week.

Maybe.

Friday April 22, 2005

QUICK JOKE

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

I SURVIVED

Obviously, I've survived the jet airplane adventure I wrote about last week. Long story short, it was amazing. It's awesome how something as ugly as West Texas can actually look beautiful from the air. Too bad all of the pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles can't be aerial shots.

WHAT A WEIRD AND WACKY WEEK IT'S BEEN

Let me give you a little insight into the week I've had.

Overnight, for some weird reason, I've become a celebrity here in my moderately sized town. Ironically enough, even though I'm ambivalent towards sports in general, it's because of a sports show. Yep, I'm a sports show host now with my own weakly segment that I have complete and total creative control over.

Well, not complete control... they wouldn't let me call Orlando Bloom a fag on TV which really puzzled me because we're a FOX station and, on prime time, they say a lot worse.

Secondly, this last week or so, the volume of visitors to slightlwarped.com has - I kid you not - tripled. Why? I have no idea why... let's just say that if this site is off the net at the end of the month it's because I've blown my bandwidth.

I'm walking along the river walk here in town the other day gathering shots for my sports show piece when I catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. I walk underneath a bridge and there is this six foot bull snake that had just caught a ground squirrel.

Now, I know what a bunch of you asshole are going to say... "Did you save the poor little squirrel?" The answer is no. It's nature, people! The snake's gotta eat and if it wasn't doing its job, we'd be ass-deep in ground squirrels.

So, I watch this spectacle of nature for a couple of minutes and, being the sound journalist I often try to pass myself off as, I took out my camera and got some footage of it.

Unfortunately, I guess I got a little too close and scared the snake because it left its lunch behind and slithered away. This made me feel crummy because the squirrel had been killed and the snake wasted a lot of energy for no reason. Snakes don't eat very often.

I talked with my co-director about how cool it was that we got this struggle on camera when we noticed that the little squirrel was still alive... but just barely. Now, I wasn't going to do anything while it was in the snake's coils, but I wasn't about to just sit there and watch the poor animal gasp and suffer. I took two steps towards it thinking that I was going to put it out of its misery when it suddenly jumped to its feet and ran off as the luckiest fucking squirrel in all of Texas.

I got some cool footage, the snake got some fans, and a little ground squirrel learned a valuable lesson.

KILL EVERYONE?

Check it out!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Ever surf on Ebay... and I mean really surf for the weirdest shit you can find.

Well, I haven't either. Who's got the time/

Thankfully, the good people at Disturbing Auctions do have that time that few other people do. They've found the weirdest crap in online auctions from ghost poop to a crap-throwing monkey toy.

Go check out all the strange shit people try to make money off of.

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Elseworlds is over and Justice Squad only has five more episodes this season! In this all-new episode, it's the event that shippers have been waiting on for three years... "Thad and Luna Do It!" Check it out now!

At Fun with Photoshop, the talented Rotten Tomatoes artists tackled the new remake of The Amityville Horror. Some of their pictures just have to be seen to be believed!

Next week, look for new movie reviews, more fun with photoshop, and best of all... brand new forum fun pictures!

Oh, and that "big news" I've been pushing for the last month or so? Uh... keep waiting. It's coming.

And that's all I feel like giving you for this update. Enjoy the useless crap that I have inflicted on you and, rest assured, there's more of it coming next week.

Keep clicking those google ads to help fund this shitty website!

PEACE!

Friday April 29, 2005

QUICK JOKE

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''''ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

BLUNT HEAD TRAUMA

At least... that's the word that's being used.

I was playing a game of softball the other day when I ran to second base and caught a ball right in the head. Now, this was the first time in my life that I've ever actually been knocked unconscious... I wasn't out long, but I was out like a light.

All I remember is actually hearing a sound that sounded like a "thonk" and then I was lying on the ground with members of both teams standing over me sort of like one of those clichéd movie shots where, coincidentally, someone wakes up on the ground and everyone is standing over them. Sort of like the Holes movie poster. It was freaky.

I remember Amy screaming my name, but it's weird because it sounded like she was a mile away when she did. I think she was more freaked out by the experience than I was because she'd never actually seen me get hurt before. Plus, I did go unconscious for a second and that must have been pretty frightening watching a pillar of a man such as myself go down in a heap.

After I managed to get everyone to get back, I stood up and got a rousing round of applause from the stands. Yeah, I'm a tough bastard that's for sure. I took my base despite the physical therapist on our team urging me to let a runner take it for me and finished out the game.

Tough Texan sumbitch, that's me.

Of course, I don't tell them that I have a raging headache the entire time.

Amy stayed up with me that night to make sure I wasn't concussed. I told her that I felt fine (which was a huge lie and she knew it) and I wanted to go to bed. Well, the little darling woke me up at two hour intervals that night to make sure I was okay despite the fact that she had to teach a class early in the morning. God, I love that woman.

The next morning, my headache was worse and my eye had swollen shut. I decided to stay home from work and take the day off. Why not? I'm lazy anyway.

Well, I went to work today, but the headaches are still getting worse and now I'm experiencing vertigo, nausea, and my mind is wandering all over the place. I've also started to stutter which is something I haven't done before... ever.

There are limits to my toughness so tomorrow, if the headaches and other symptoms continue, I will be seeing the doctor. Until then, I suppose I will be toughing it out.

I'll let everyone know what I find out later... if I end up going.

AFFILIATE ASSHOLES

I had to drop one of my affiliates this week. The snakes over at nomonthlyfees.com have owed me $300 for over a year now and apparently decided a few weeks ago that they weren't going to pay it despite the fact that I've been sending people to their service from this site.

Well, there was a big fat "payment denied" notation on my statement from those bottom feeders and no one will tell me why. Personally, I think the shower of bastards just didn't want to pay.

Well, fuck 'em. They ain't advertising on this site anymore.

KILL EVERYONE?

Check it out!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

You know, I love strange stories and urban legends, but have you ever really taken the time to figure out which stories are true and which stories are bullshit before you spread them around like seeds?

With snopes.com, now you can! This is The Urban Legend Archive and just about every story you can think of, from the chicken head in the KFC bucket to widely circulated photos are exposed for the truths or lies that they are.

It's one of my favorite sites! Check them out today!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Justice Squad is about to wind up it's third season and the biggest shocks are yet to come! Our new episode features Jack, the son of Blue Fairy, and a look into his past and his future!

At Fun with Photoshop, we've interpreted The Interpreter into a bunch of hilarious pictures of our own!

The Amityville Horror, Fever Pitch, and Sahara have all been weighed, measured, and found wanting at Donner's Movie Reviews.

Finally, I know it's a few days early, but The Arcade is boasting assloads of new games for your playing pleasure.

And now that I feel those painkillers kicking in, I think I'm going to go watch my fish tank for a while. Actually, maybe I should have started this blob entry a little later for when I was really feelin' good.

Oh well, I'm lazy. Screw you guys.