Friday August 12, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A woman goes to the doctor. The doctor asks her what the problem
is and she says, "Well, I've been having unusual hair growth on my
chest."
The doctor thought about that and said, "That IS unnusual. Have you noticed any other odd hair growth on your body?"
The woman replied, "Yes, it goes all the way down to my balls... which is another thing I wanted to talk to you about."
QUICK JOKE II
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!".
QUICK JOKE III
A man is walking down a High Street on a nice Spring day, casually
gazing into the many shop window displays. Suddenly, he notices a woman
walking in the opposite direction, and as she gets closer he notices
that one of her breasts is hanging out of her blouse. She seems
oblivious, and the man is in two minds whether to tell her as she comes
within spitting distance, but decides to do the gentlemanly thing.
"Erm...Excuse me?" he says, taking a step to one side and blocking her path.
"Yes?" smiles the woman innocently.
"Er-erm, well," stutters the man. "I'm not sure how to say this, but...er....One of your breasts is hanging out."
"Shit!' says the woman, a look of horror distorting her face. "I've left my baby on the bus again!""
QUICK JOKE IV
This extremely handsome guy walks into a crowded bar. The guy's dressed
in expensive clothes, Rolex watch, gold rings, the works. He yells out
"Free drinks for everyone!"
The place cheers and the bartender puts together a round for the house.
Suddenly, a small man, just shy of a foot high, materializes out of
nowhere, kicks over all the drinks, laughs like an idiot, sticks his
tongue out, then disappears.
Not to be stymied, the man instructs the bartender to set up the round
again. More cheers. Again, the little man appears, and over go the
drinks.
Embarrassed, the man tells the bartender "do it again". He does, and
little guy comes back, kicks over all the beers, and vanishes.
Finally, a beer-soaked patron goes up to the handsome rich man and says
"OK, buddy what gives?"
The handsome rich guys sighs and says "Yesterday I found a lamp with a
genie in it. He said he'd grant me three wishes. First I wished to be
the most handsome man in the world. There you go. Second, I wished for
$50,000,000 in gold. I have it, and don't have to work again for the
rest of my life. For my final wish, I wished for an 11-inch dick."
SUPPORT CINDY SHEEHAN
MoveOn is taking out an ad in President Bush's
local newspaper in support of Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a soldier killed in
Iraq who is camped outside Bush's ranch in Texas asking for a meeting with the
president. They'll publish the number of signers and the best comments in a full
two-page spread in the newspaper nearest to Crawford (The Waco Tribune Herald)
while Cindy holds her vigil. Can you sign and spread the word before the 3:00 PM
Friday print deadline?
http://political.moveon.org/meetwithcindy/
MOVIN' ON UP... TO THE EAST SIDE
First off, yeah, I know I've been letting the site slide for the last couple of weeks. Can you blame me, though? I'm about to uproot and head to Fort Worth! The move date is set for September 1st and Amy and I have already gotten a pretty nice apartment. I gave notice at my job despite the fact that I haven't found a job in Fort Worth yet, but my baby's making enough money for us to survive until I get one.
Needless to say, my life is a little topsy turvey at the moment and doesn't look like it will quiet down anytime soon. So, as a result, the website will be a little jiggy for a month or two. Now, it's not going away by any means, but it will have - shall we say - infrequent updates until I can get internet service in Fort Worth.
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD SEASON FOUR BEGINS! |
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THE LEGION OF LAME-ASSES VI KICKS INTO PRODUCTION! |
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NEW REVIEWS COMING SOON! |
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SPECIAL FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP GALLERY |
That's it for this go around! Hopefully updates will be a little more frequent until the 1st when I expect them to disappear all together for a while. Tah-tah.
Friday August 19, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part
of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just
got a broken index finger."
QUICK JOKE II
A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs
for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?"
he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told
her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside
the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man
replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time
later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished
already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for
the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a
Ferrari".
QUICK JOKE III
Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to
commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''"
QUICK JOKE IV
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said
to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the
table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other's in your oatmeal!"
MOVIN' ON UP... TO THE EAST SIDE
So, Amy and I have gotten an apartment and not just any apartment... it's an apartment with a front yard and the landlord has given me permission to set up my Halloween Haunt on it this year. Hey, I thought that I was going to have to skip it this year, but it looks like all the new tombstones and goodies I've been working on since February will actually get a chance to do their thing.
One week to go until the move!
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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A BIG BROWN EYE TO RED EYE! We've taken on the new Wes Craven movie at Fun with Photoshop and, believe me, the results weren't pretty. See them now if you dare! |
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DUKES PUKE, SKY HIGH IS FLY, STEALTH
STINKS The Dukes of Hazzard, Sky High, and Stealth are the latest to fall before the might of Donner and his movie reviews! See what he has to say about these three films! |
That's all I care to share at the moment. Go away.
Saturday August 27, 2005
ATTENTION!!!
I am currently in the process of moving and will not be online for an
undetermined amount of time. As such, The Slightly Warped Website
will not be updated until I return which hopefully, will only be in a
couple of days.
Until then... behave!
QUICK JOKE
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in
the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening,
watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read
Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's
these pesky wicker chairs."
QUICK JOKE II
There was once an elderly lady who was well-known for her faith and for
her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch
every morning and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send
her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME
SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of
groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there
was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
QUICK JOKE III
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps
the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the
boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with
his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
A PRETTY LONG STORY ABOUT ME AND MY LAST WEEK IN SAN ANGELO
Let me give you a little insight into the week I've had.
First, with the big move to Fort Worth. I've been struggling to get our belongings packed up and ready to roll and I'm having to do it myself because Amy is already up there at her new job (which she's really enjoying, by the way, and making about three times what I did at my old job). That, coupled with the fact that I haven't been getting home until eight o'clock at night every night due to work means that I've been exhausted all day and all night.
Work is another matter all together. The schoolgirl politicking over there had been building to a head all week with my supervisor and the upper management. Just to give you a little insight into this, all the active upper management staff at my old job are female. Kids, I am no chauvinist and I believe that women can do anything that men can do, but I would rather have a hundred midgets cut my balls with razor blades and then douse them in alcohol than ever have to work in this kind of situation again.
Women just have a different way of doing things especially if they're in a group. Don't get me wrong, these ladies are good at what they do (most of them at least, I've always seen my immediate supervisor as an incompetent half-wit), but they just conduct internal business in a very clichéd womanly way that is, in my opinion at least, extremely unprofessional. I mean, these women would rather assume things and listen to rumors than actually ask questions and find out facts. It's annoying and usually ends in wasted time and workplace tension.
This week was pure Hell. My immediate supervisor (the half-wit) apparently took it upon herself to terrorize me and defame my character before I left. Pretty much the typical 13-year-old behavior I've come to expect from this small and jealous individual, but she's got her lips firmly pressed against the butt of the two top supervisors and, in their eyes, she can do no wrong... even if sometimes it seems likes that's all she's capable of. Then again, she's gotten really good at passing her mistakes off on other people.
I did learn during this final week as more people in the business saw how this petty harpy took it upon herself to make my life miserable, that she's not very liked by anyone outside of management. Actually, that's putting it mildly. This person is hated by almost everyone who works there. I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean literally hated. Four separate people volunteered to be references on my resume when I announced I wasn't going to use my supervisor and I got two letters of recommendation from fellow workers. It really kind of touched me, because a lot of these people I really didn't know well, but they had seen the work I'd done over the last year and appreciated it and wanted to see me go and do something great somewhere else.
The real straw that broke the camel's back came on Tuesday when I received word that a family member had suddenly passed away and that the memorial service was going to be on what was supposed to be my last day on the job. I went to this hated supervisor and told her that I would be leaving a day early so that I could go to the graveside service (missing the funeral itself so that I could wrap up work). The response I got from her wasn't a even a half-hearted "sorry for your loss," instead it was, "just make sure you have all your shit done before you leave."
Well, I was pissed off, went downstairs and went to work. I wasn't going to leave because, believe it or not, I have a strong work ethic and I never want to leave anything undone.
Later that day, I was called up to the business manager's office. I like the business manager. I wouldn't say we're close friends, but I respect her and she respects me. She asks me, "Are you really going to a funeral tomorrow?" I answer yes and then realize what's been happening... My supervisor was telling everyone that I made up a story about a family member dying so I didn't have to come in my last day.
I was fucking furious, but I reigned it in and told the manager that there was an obituary on-line that would confirm my story. We chatted a bit and she managed to calm me down, but I was still seething when I went downstairs.
There was something else that happened, but for the business manager's sake and sanity, I'm not going to talk about it here. Let's just say it was another shitty move by my supervisor to bully me and cheat me out of something I was owed by flat-out lying about something I did. The manager saw that this supervisor was lying and told me not to worry about it and I didn't... I was all the more pissed about it.
Later at my desk, I was visited by a fellow employee who was going to take over my job of managing the e-mail and website. I walked him through the system, showed him how to do things, and explained how everything worked. I even gave him my home e-mail address so that he could write me if any questions popped up. I then joked that tech requests would be fifty dollars each. He laughed and said that would be a good way to make some money until I found a new job. I responded, "Yeah, that's why I'm going to mess up a lot of computers before I leave today so you guys have to keep calling me."
Half an hour later, I get called back to the business manager's office and I'm asked an insulting and infuriating question: "Are you planning on sabotaging our systems before you leave today?"
Holy shit, I could not believe my ears. No sooner had I joked around with this guy who I thought was my friend, he had ran his faggity ass upstairs and told everyone that was going to booby-trap all the computer systems because I was pissed off at everyone.
I'm not sure what I did in the last year to make all these people believe that I'm this ridiculously petty, but believe me... fucking up their computers in real life is something that I would never stoop to. Leave that to the nerdy virgins setting in a house in Russia writing computer worms. I'm above that shit and my work records will do nothing but echo that fact.
Besides, if I wanted to fuck up computers at that place, I can goddarned well do it from home any time and never get caught. I built that system, for crying out loud.
By this time, I'm absolutely livid despite the business manager's attempts to calm me down. It's about thirty minutes until five and when I get back downstairs, I look at the three guys working down there who I've become good friends with mainly because none of them shoved a knife into my back the entire time I'd been there and I told them, "I'm through. I'm done."
I went and made a compilation reel of my best work because I knew I would probably never get access to it again and left a few hours later leaving behind a half finished list. It violated my work ethic, but I just couldn't do another thing to benefit anyone in that office. I felt betrayed, I felt angry, I was finished, and I was going home. I gave my all every day I was there, I improved their websites, found new ways for the company to make money, and brought an imaginative spark with me into everything I did. I fucking deserved better than the treatment I got my last week there.
One of the guys I work with, the son of one of the upper management ladies and someone who hates my immediate manager about as much as I do now, stayed with me as I put my stuff onto a disk. Poor kid is going to probably be saddled with my duties now that I'm gone and, believe me, I feel for him. As I was leaving the office for the last time, I noted sadly one final insult... the code to the front door had been changed. After I left, apparently, they wanted me to stay gone. It felt like a boot kicking me in the ass on the way out.
Walking to my car, I turned to the kid and remembered that his mom was the only one out of the entire group of managers who treated me decently when I announced I was leaving three weeks before. She was the only one who wanted to know where I was going and the only one who wished me luck in the future. I told the kid, "Hey, tell your mom I said thanks for not treating me like an outcast the last couple of weeks. It really meant a lot to me." He said he would, but God bless him, he's not that bright and I don't know if she ever got the message.
I hope she did, because I sure as Hell ain't going back there to give it personally.
The next day was the day of the funeral and my last day before the move. Before I left, I went to the radio station I used to work for a couple of years ago to say good-bye before I took off. When I got there, I was greeted with hugs and warmth. It was the one job I miss and, under different circumstances, I would have gone back there in a second. A complete polar opposite from the job I left the day before. I chatted with my friends there for a while about where I was going and what was coming next and when I finally told them I had to go, my old on-air partner told me, "We'll always have a chair open for you here if you want to drop by."
One of these days, I will.
I went to the graveside service for my aunt later that day, paid my respects, and had a small epiphany... this women led a good life, was well loved, and was taken away suddenly and unexpectedly. At the service, I spoke to my grandmother who I hadn't said a word to in years. I hugged my uncle who I had never hugged before. I looked at a picture of my aunt in her bedroom after the service and remembered what a kind and amazing person she was. I thought of my own father and mother who were only ten years younger than she was... and my other grandmother who is quickly approaching 79 years old. I thought of my wife who I hadn't held in two weeks and the children we one day plan to have together. How much longer would I have them in my life? How much longer will I be in theirs?
I decided that life is too short for anger and it's damn well too short for compromise. I'm leaving the area I've known as home for almost thirty years and heading off into the horizon for something new and I'm leaving my baggage behind. It's a clean slate for me in Fort Worth and, yeah, that means I'm going to have to prove myself all over again in some respects, but it also means I can get back into areas I love... or go back to school... or do whatever I want.
It took a week of hell, loneliness, and a funeral to give me a kind of inner peace I've been missing for a while. The past is the past and the past is history. From now on, I'm only looking foreword to the future and all the wonderful things I know that the future will bring.
Tomorrow, I'm going to kiss the Hell out of my wife and meet that future head on. No compromises, no excuses, and no regrets.
Ponder that until I get back online.
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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STAR TREK BASH and
DONNER vs. DOCTOR KLAHN! The photoshoppers of Rotten Tomatoes have desecrated hallowed grounds with a Star Trek Bash and Donner and Doctor Klahn go head to head in a Movie Poster Mash Up! |
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WE LOVE A VIRGIN, BUT HATE
BIRDS, MAN-WHORES, AND BEARS The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Valiant, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, and The Bad News Bears have been watched, analyzed, and submitted for your approval! |
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FORUM FUN GALLERIES ARE BACK UP! About 95 percent of the gallery is back up with the exception of about half of the Miscellaneous Section because I didn't have time to do it. Don't fret, hundreds of pictures are back up for your use including about a dozen or so new ones! |
Alllllllll righty then. I am officially going off-line until such time as I have the equipment to go back on-line. Supposedly, we're talking a few days here but you know how jacked up this kind of stuff can get when you leave it in the hands of professionals.
Until we meet again!