Friday, December 3, 2004

QUICK  JOKE

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket.

Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

HOLY CRAP!

November, 2004 was slightlywarped.com's biggest month ever.  Sadly, though, this also means that bandwidth has become a bigger issue than ever as well.  Remember, we're trying to raise money and get more bandwidth so that we can stay up and online all month, but we can't do it without your help!  Buy from the Amazon menus on the site or just make a donation!  Don't let this fabulous institution suffer outages at the end of each month like a common geoshitties site!

WHAT'S NEW THIS WEEK!

There's a new episode of Justice Squad called "Showdown at the KY Corral" where Luna meets up with the superhero team of the 19th century, The Justice Posse.  However, the years have not been kind to The Justice Posse as Luna soon learns!

Over in Fun with Photoshop, we're taking on the laughable failure that is Alexander and, on the movie review site, we're looking at National Treasure.

Finally, for you trekkies out there... Star Trek: Enterprise has been re-energized and it's actually fun to watch Trek again.  As a result, The Moron's Guide to Star Trek: Enterprise has been updated with funny synopses of the first season!  Check it out on the Star Trek page!

And that's it!  Until next time, you ungrateful bastards!

Thursday, December 9, 2004

QUICK  JOKE

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''

A LITTLE NOTE FOR YOU FORUM FUN FANS

Forum Fun has NOT been shut down!  It's still going, but due to banthwidth issues and some really stupid bastards using some of the larger gif files as avatars and signature images (you stupid bastards), I've had to move the pictures to another server.  They will work now, but all the pictures you posted in the past don't.  I would apologize for this, but you ungrateful little pricks could have donated to this site to help me buy the additional bandwidth... but nooooooooo.

ANNOUNCING THE SLIGHTLY WARPED CRAP SHOPPE

In a further attempt to make money off this site and keep it going, we've opened up an online store where you can purchase your very own exclusive merchandise!  Would you like a slightlywarped.com T-Shirt?  How about a Justice Squad trucker cap?  Check out The Slightly Warped Crap Shoppe now!  More crap is coming soon!

THE UPDATES

Not a whole lot to speak of this week.  We've got a brand new episode of Justice Squad up called "For I Am Many" that will not only see the apex of a long-running storyline, but also the death of a long-established character!  Be sure to come back next week for the extra special 100th episode of the series!

Also, we've got new reviews of Around the World in 80 Days, The Spongebob Squarpants Movie, Christmas With the Kranks, and Finding Neverland over on the Movie Review Page!  Next week, expect scathing (or not) reviews of Alexander and Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas!

All right, that's all I've got this week.  Now, get out of here.  You all sicken me!

Friday, December 17, 2004

QUICK  JOKE

This woman went to go use the restroom at an airport.  No sooner had she sat down on the toilet, she heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"!

The woman was not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but didn't want to be rude.  She answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"

The woman, a little embarrassed and a little puzzled by the odd question replied, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

Then came the next question: "Can I come over?"

The woman, now completely mortified, decided to try and end the conversation politely.  "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

After a couple of seconds, she heard the voice from the other stall one more time.

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

A BIG THANK YOU!

Thank you so much, Brian, for your donation to slightlywarped.com!  We're still about sixty dollars short of keeping this site alive for another year, so if you would like to help donate anything... a twenty, a ten, a five, or even just a buck, click the donate icon below!

You can also purchase items from the Amazon menus on the site or visit the Slightly Warped Crap Shoppe and buy some stupid items.

A NOTABLE ANNIVERSARY

December 13th marked Amy and my first wedding anniversary.  Yes, it's hard to believe that it's been a full year since I snowed her into thinking I was somehow marriage material and even more unbelievable that she's still here.

I loves ya, baby!

COOL LINK OF THE WEEK

I know I haven't been what you would call reliable or anything with the Cool Links of the Week, but I'm going to start trying harder maybe.

Check out this link... http://www.kiddofspeed.com.  This site details a motorcycle ride through one of the most dangerous places on Earth, Chernobyl!  What do the cities and towns in Chernobyl look like almost 20 years after the worst nuclear accident in history turned them into ghost towns?  This is a sobering and somewhat chilling account of a tour of a place in the world unsafe to live in until at least the 26th century.

THE UPDATES:  JUSTICE SQUAD CELEBRATES 100 EPISODES!

Right now, over on the Justice Squad page, you can get your hands on the big 100th episode of Justice Squad called "Glimpse."  For two and a half years, we've heard talk of the mysterious The Watchers and now Bippo the Clown is determined to prove that they exist in an episode that will not only kick off one of Justice Squad's long-running mysteries, but will also give several cryptic hints as to what is coming in the last 100 episodes over the next two and a half years!  This is the last episode until 2005, so if you ever wanted to jump on board and see what all the fuss is about, do it now!

Also, take a jaunt over to Donner's Movie Reviews where there are new musings on Alexander and Blade Trinity.  Next week,  I'm planning to review Ocean's Twelve, Elf, Envy, and The Princess Diaries 2... so, pray for me.

And, don't forget, we're only two weeks away from the New Year and, more importantly, the annual roundup that we like to call The Best and Worst Movies of 2004!  We're hard at work on this year's list and, let me say, it's going to be something special!  Be sure to come back and check it out!

And that's about it!  Happy Christmahannukwanzukkah, you idiots!

Wednesday, December 23, 2004

QUICK  CHRISTMAS JOKES

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
- Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
- Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
- You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
- They both have ornamental balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
- They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
- Snowballs.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
- Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

SCREW "HAPPY HOLIDAYS..."  MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAMMIT!

I loathe political correctness which is basically just a way regular people trying to prance around and not offend a bunch of whiney pussies, so it really irks me when I realize that I'm using it!

Take the phrase, "Happy Holidays" for example.  Stores use it instead of "Merry Christmas" so they won't offend people who don't celebrate Christmas.  Hell, I used it on this month's page.  "Happy Holidays" everyone!  How generic and inoffensive.

Bad me!  Bad, bad me!

Well this year, I'm telling every fucking person I see on the streets "Merry Christmas."  If they don't celebrate Christmas, they can damn well respond with "Happy Hanukkah", "Happy Kwanza", or "Have a Scintillating Solstice" and it won't offend me one bit.  Hell, they can respond with "Bah Humbug and go fuck yourself" if they want to.  Let's celebrate our different cultures!  I'm just sick of everyone in the world being scared to death of sharing their own heritage because of blubbering yuppie bastards that get offended at every little thing.

This is just the way things work today.  Instead of celebrating our differences the way we should be, we're letting them divide us.  We're closing ourselves off from other cultures and other traditions instead of opening our eyes to them.

Now, am I saying that we should put Nativity Scenes out in front of courthouses?  Sure, why the hell not?  Let's put a big huge Nativity scene out on the courthouse along with a big honkin' menorah for Hanukkah, and big ass Kinara for Kwanzaa.  For the godless Atheists, how about a huge Santa Claus?  Or better yet... how about a big empty spot signifying nothing?  That should satisfy them.

...and if anyone has a problem with this kind of multicultural display, we can tell them to go fuck themselves and have a Merry Christmas.  That's what makes this country great... majority rules and fuck the minority bitchers.

It just sucks nowadays that the entire reason for the season - whatever you believe in - is being erased for some meaningless politically correct inoffensive corporate bullshit.

So, whatever you believe in, let it be known this year and don't be bullied by blubbering thin-skinned pussies into saying "Happy Holidays" like I was.  I see the light now.  I see it!  I'm in the Christmas mood!  I love Baby Jesus, Christmas trees, and Santa Claus!  If that offends you, who gives a shit?

Merry Christmas one and all and, if you don't like it, go choke on something sharp.

'Tis the season to shut the fuck up and stop acting like a whiney little bitch!

THE UPDATES!

You know what?  I haven't really done crap to the website this week.  I've been preparing for Christmas.  What I've got, though, are new reviews of Ocean's Twelve, Envy, and The Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement on the movie review page. 

Also, in case you missed them last week - and you probably did since I forgot to put it on the update - there are some new holiday-themed games in the Arcade!  See how far you can toss everyone's favorite jolly fatass in Slingshot Santa!  Sink your balls into a Christmas mini-putt course in The Twelve Holes of Christmas!  Play the part of a pissed off redneck snowman who clobbers skiers and snowboarders in Sno Problem - from the same guy who makes the disgustingly hilarious Retarded Animal Babies cartoons!  Finally, fight Santa, shoot down reindeer, and steal presents in How the Gritch Hijacked the Holidays.

Other than that, I've been a lazy bastard.

Screw you!  I don't need your judgments!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

QUICK  JOKE

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

THE STING OF FULLSCREEN

I love widescreen movies.  Fullscreen movies... or, as I call them... "Fool" screen movies are the work of the devil and a drool cup for the retarded uninformed.

Now, if you don't know what the difference is between full screen and wide screen, you can go to this site and learn more.  Basically, if you prefer full screen to wide, you're an idiot.

So, imagine my absolute terror this last Christmas when my well-meaning brother-in-law gave me the full-screen version of Dawn of the Dead.  What do you do in this kind of situation?  Well, apparently I did the wrong thing and blurted out something along the line of, "You bought me full screen, you flippin' moron!"

So, in a sense, I kind of ruined the Christmas spirit for everyone.  I made him feel bad... I felt bad for saying it, so I opened it up and we watched it together.

Now I'm stuck with an open and thusly unreturnable fullscreen edition that I hate of a movie I love.  It's like getting the Mona Lisa with a moustache painted on it.  It's unbearable.

What's worse, he didn't even give me the unrated edition... he gave me the MPAA approved pussy cut of the movie with minimal titties and gore.

So, there it sits on my DVD rack... Dawn of the Dead... rated and raped by fullscreen framing.  It mocks me and laughs at me at night with its lack of nudity, blood, and sideways visibility.

Still, I can't blame my Brother-in-Law.  In his defense, he did try his best and it wasn't his fault that the notation that the movie was fullscreen was written in teeny-tiny print where you couldn't even notice it unless you looked really really hard.  Plus, I think he got it at Wal-Mart where they push fullscreen over wide.  Wal-Mart, it turns out, are clueless as the people who claim that fullscreen cuts off the top and bottom of the picture.

Dammit, I want to see boobies, I want to see heads exploding, and I want to see the whole damn picture!  Don't ruin Christmas next year, kids!  Buy widescreen or just die!

Oh, and in case you're wondering... my Brother-in-Law hated the movie and wouldn't stop complaining about the fast-moving zombies all the way through it.  On the other hand, he made me watch King Arthur saying that it was a really really good movie.

To each his own, I suppose.

THE RESOLUTION FOR 2005

I've made it no secret that I've plumped up in the last couple of years.   I prefer to call myself "jolly," but the truth is that I've become a huge fatass.

I need to loose a lot of weight and my mother has given me the motivation... she's going to pay me a dollar for every pound that I loose and, if I reach my goal weight of 210 by January 1st, 2006, she's going to give me $500 cash.

So, there you go... I've got about eighty pounds to loose by next New Year.  To keep myself motivated even more, I'm even going to post my progress here.

Will I loose the weight and get healthier or will I give up by February and drop dead of a heart attack by 35?

Find out!

AND HERE ARE THE UPDATES

First of all, slightlywarped.com has joined hundreds of other websites and Unicef to drum up donations for the Earthquake and Tsunami victims in Asia.  All you have to do is click the icon below and make a donation.

The UN pussies say that America is stingy!  Let's prove those assholes wrong!

Now, since this is the last update of 2004, the main focus is on the Movie Review Page where you can find a whole hell of a lot of new reviews including Garden State, I ♥ Huckabees, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, Closer, King Arthur, and Elf.

Also, we've posted our eagerly awaited The Best and Worst of 2004 with a look at the best movies, the worst movies, the best characters, the worst characters, and some other cool things as well as a look back at the celebrities that we left behind but fondly remember.

And that's it!  That's the last update of 2004.  Have a safe and happy New Year, drink a lot, kiss a pretty girl, and try to enjoy the first New Year without Dick Clark since... well... the beginning of time.

See you in 2005.