The Slightly Warped Website

Monday December 5, 2005

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT LITTLE RIDING HOOD

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?""

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

I suppose you're wondering where last week's update was and why this one is so late. Well, screw you! I don't have to explain myself to you or your mama but here's what's been going on the last couple of weeks anyway.

First of all, for about two weeks now I have been getting my ass kicked by an ear infection so bad that I went deaf in one ear and had the other one feelings like it was stuffed full of cotton. My new doctor here is a complete idiot and won't refer me to a ENT specialist who could fix me and, instead, keep prescribing be all kinds of antibiotics that don't work. I'm a little better than I was, but I still feel like I have a fish bowl over my head.

My wife and I went to Six Flags over Texas last Saturday for this thing they have called Holiday in the Park. When we arrived at six, we bought our ticket and went into the park only to discover that the park had no electric and was packed full of angry customers. Instead of closing the park temporally like a responsible person would, these assholes actually kept letting people in without telling them about the problem! So, there we were in a park lit up with Christmas lights off of a generator (to obviously fool people on the outside that the park was in working order) under the glare of news helicopters, and probably one thrown punch away from a riot.

They got the power turned back on at about seven (some people had been there since four), but didn't get any of the ride working until about eight or nine. This would have been fine if they didn't close the park at ten.

Anyway, I got to ride three rides. The Judge Roy Scream, the Viper (I refuse to call is La Vibora or whatever), and El Sombrero. That was it.

Even the whole Holiday in the Park thing sucked. All they did was decorate the park in Christmas lights and add a snow hill. Wow, Merry Christmas to you too, Six Flags.

Buncha jackasses.

I've got a new cat. I didn't want a new cat, but I've got one anyway. This little black tomcat came up to me the other day while I walking my dogs and followed me home. Being the bleeding heart I am, I took it inside, fed it, and cleaned some wounds it had on its face and legs from where it got into a fight with something.

Well, it's cold now and I just wouldn't feel right putting it outside. Besides, my wife has already named him Bageera.

Shit. Why couldn't I have been born a hardass?

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Drew Fangtastic goes on his first solo mission since being turned into a human, but how will his former friends react to the brand new Drew?
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: A VERY RIDDICK CHRISTMAS! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and Riddick is out to kick the ass of every politician and business who dares call it The Holidays instead! Check out the awesome Riddick-culious entries!
	1000 Reviews! It's a celebration! With new reviews of Walk the Line, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, March of the Penguins, a History of Violence, and Zathura, Donner's Movie Reviews is an archive of over a thousand strong!

That's it for this week. Me an my new pussy wish you well.

Monday December 11, 2005

RIP RICHARD PRYOR

As a tribute to the great Richard Pryor, there are no jokes this week because the world is now a lot less funny.

Comedy rules! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, and there are no rules in stand-up comedy, which I really like. You can do anything you want and you can say anything that comes to mind - just so long as it's funny. If you ain't funny then get the fuck off the stage, it's that simple.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Drew Fangtastic goes on his first solo mission since being turned into a human, but how will his former friends react to the brand new Drew?
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE GAY COWBOYS! Join us as we poke fun at the Chronicles of Narnia and Brokeback Mountain!

I'm off to go listen to some Richard Pryor albums.

Friday December 16, 2005

QUICK JOKE

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?

Scared the hell out of his dog.

QUICK JOKE II

Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You god damn bitch, you ruined my life."

QUICK JOKE II

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

NORTH TO ALASKA?

Boy, did my wife drop a bomb on me the other day!

There we are enjoying a quiet evening at home on our second anniversary when she tells me that if we can find work in Alaska by April 15th, we can move there.

Living in Alaska is something I've wanted to do since I first visited there three years ago. It's actually where I asked Amy to marry me. Obviously, DFW isn't in great need of my skills as a radio personality and I've seen want ads for radio and TV guys in Anchorage.

Hmm... this might be doable. Perhaps I shall relocate slightlywarped.com to the last great frontier in America.

At least then we won't have to deal with anymore of these blasted Texas summers.

Now, I've done some research and I've discovered - based on what a few people who live and had lived in Alaska have told me - that some Alaskans look down on newcomers to the state particularly if they come in with wide-eyed wonder at "living out their dream" of living there. They feel that you have to earn your place in Alaska.

Well, to then I say... you come down here and ride out five months of no rain and temperatures of 120 degrees before you talk to be about hardships. I've had enough of dust and heat, gimmie some snow and cold.

Of course, this is only if we actually get to go.

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Celebrate the spirit of the season and rampant materialism with Justice Squad!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: KING KONG! It's a mammoth Photoshop contest with monkeys everywhere!
	NEW REVIEWS! Come and check out what we thought of Aeon Flux, Kronk's New Groove, The Aristocrats, and Herbie Fully Loaded!

That's it. I'm going to go huddle in the freezer to prepare.

Thursday December 22, 2005

QUICK JOKE

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!"

QUICK JOKE II

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for
spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."

The farmer shot Chuck.

QUICK JOKE II

Did you hear that Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men?

It's got the same centerfold every single month!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Yeah, that's right. I said Merry Christmas. I don't go in for that "Happy Holidays" crap and, if you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanza or whatever, don't be afraid to say "Happy Hanukkah" or "Happy Kwanzaa" either! It's your heritage and if you want to share it with others then, by God, share it with others and if they get offended... fuck 'em.

I have to tell you, I've been bucking this "Happy Holidays" bullshit for a couple of years now. Anytime a clerk at a store has the nerve to greet me with this nauseatingly politically correct and inoffensive corporate slogan, I always immediately fire back with Merry Christmas. It's a shame too that big businesses see Christmas or any other secular holiday as something that might piss off a tiny fraction of a percent of people and so they seek to eliminate it from everyday speech just so they can make an extra few pennies.

The kicker was earlier today. I was driving and actually heard an Albertsons commercial refer to a famous Charles Dickens's character as "The Ghost of Holidays Past." Horseshit, I say! Horseshit! Next thing you know, there will be Holiday Carols or Holiday Cookies or The 12 Days of Holidays. I mean, damnation... some of these uptight fags are already calling Christmas Trees "Holiday Trees!" It's insane!

Yeah, I know that Christians run the country, but think about how pissed off the average Jew would get if someone referred to a menorah as a "Holiday Candle." It's ridiculous conformity at its worst. As I said last year, one of the great things about living in the human race and America in particular is our diversity but apparently, diversity just makes some rich sensitive people nervous. It's not the great war on Christmas that the great douche Bill O'Rielly is claiming it is, but rather political correctness run amok and we all know that political correctness is nothing more than 95 percent of the population trying not to offend 5 percent.

You know what I say to those 5 percent and those fat rich morons who run the department stores?

Merry Christmas, assholes!

THE UPDATES

	JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! See the mid-season finale and the final episode of 2005! The vampires make a bold move to scare Justice Squad out of the war and it has tragic consequences!
	FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: FUN WITH DICK AND JANE! Jim Carrey gets his ass handed to him by a bunch of eager photoshoppers! Come join the phallic merriment!
	NEW REVIEWS! What did Donner think of The Chronicles of Narnia, Rent, and, and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Even Donner is shocked at himself this time!

Once again, Merry Christmas! The first person to tell me Happy Holidays gets punched in the face.