Friday, February 4th, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a
somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine
subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her
he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of
baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from
home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So
he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the
way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table,
making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel
another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold,
the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just
started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like
a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms,
to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled,
the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the
table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his
napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture
of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and
yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party
QUICK JOKE II
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."
FAREWELL, ENTERPRISE
As you may or may not be aware of, the never-ending stream of shit that is UPN has cancelled Star Trek: Enterprise meaning that next fall will be the first time in eighteen years there hasn't been a Star Trek series on the air.
If this had happened two years ago, I wouldn't have flinched. Enterprise, when it first started, was a terrible show with no direction and hackneyed writing. But in the last couple of years, thanks to some fresh blood and a return to roots, the show has taken off and become something special. It has its own identity and its own look. It's telling some great stories and, despite some major budget cuts, looks amazing. Enterprise is the best Star Trek series since Deep Space Nine.
So, of course, UPN decided to kill it. Star Trek, which made that entire shitty network during its first few years, suddenly didn't have a place for it, what with its reality shows and crap that are taking up the schedule, so the show was exiled to Friday nights and was given no exposure. I know several people who didn't even Enterprise had a fourth season at all, thinking that UPN cut it last year. This was a case of sabotage, plain and simple.
You know, there is a slim chance that the show may end up in first run syndication or on another network, but I'm not holding my breath for this. Rick Berman has said that its over and I'm certain it is. This makes me sad.
What doesn't make me sad though is that now, I have no reason to watch UPN and, with them loosing wrestling in 2006, the final nail in the coffin appears to have been hammered in. Oh, sure... they have The Next Top Model, but other than that, what? Veronica Mars? Kevin Hill? I really doubt that either one will make it onto the schedule next year. Yes, my friends, over the next few years, I look foreword to watching UPN go down in flames and die a slow death. The entire channel should burn in hell.
Am I bitter? Yeah, I guess I am a little bit, but I feel as though a friend of mine who I have known for eighteen years has suddenly been killed right in front of me. Is that a sign of my own patheticness? Who asked you!? Go to hell!
In any case, good-bye Captain Archer. Good-bye, T'Pol. Good-bye Trip, Reed, Malcolm, Hoshi, Phlox, and Porthos. I wish you guys could have had your seven years, but that's just not going to happen. I'll miss you all.
I'm not saying good-bye to Star Trek, though, because it will be back. It's getting a much-needed rest and In five years, ten, or fifteen, the show will be reincarnated (hopefully, on a whole other network) and I have a feeling it will be better than ever.
Star Trek lives!
RIP OSSIE DAVIS
I just now got the word as I am writing this that Ossie Davis has passed away. He's had a huge television and film career and I will always remember him in his unlikely role as John F. Kennedy in Bubba Ho-Tep. So long, Mr. Davis, and thanks.
NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
Hate Valentine's Day? Yeah, I do too. All that pressure, all that expectation... all those opportunities to screw something up for your significant other!
Well, why not go take a look at Creative Valentine's Day Ideas and pass off some of their ideas as your own? Hey, I'm not cowardly enough to admit to you that I'm going to try it this year... of course, I sure as hell ain't saying that to my wife!
AND NOW, THE UPDATES...
First of all, you may notice a new section here at the main page of the website called Halloween Haunt. Well, this is strictly a personal page of mine to show off the Halloween displays that I put up every year. Why is this going up in February? Because I've officially started on Halloween 2005's display. Check out my projects and get updates of the creepy crap that I'm building!
Over at Justice Squad, there's a brand new episode by David Hopper that brings Drew Fangtastic face to face with his mysterious nemesis of four years, Legion... but if you think that this is going to be a simple fight, then you're in for a shock. David has got some twists and turns for you that will make this a rollercoaster of a ride!
We had Fun with Photoshop this week and completely destroyed the image of the movie, Hide & Seek. Check out the funny and disturbing entries over there today!
Finally, over at Donner's Movie Reviews, there's three new reviews covering Assault on Precinct 13, Million Dollar Baby, and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.
And that's all I have for you, you free-loading lowlifes! Remember, keep this site going my clicking the Google and/or Amazon ads that you come across or, you can just be a friend and donate via paypal. Am I a whore? You betcha!
Friday, February 11th, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A man walked into an ice cream shop and asked for some chocolate ice
cream.
"I'm sorry sir," said the scooper, "but we're out of chocolate. Would
you like something else?"
"Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream," the man replied.
The Scooper sighed. "I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like
to try a different flavor?"
"Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream," the man once again said.
"We don't have that," the Scooper said slowly. "How about a different
kind of ice cream?"
Once again, the man replied: "I'll have some chocolate ice cream."
The Scooper rolled his eyes. "Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in
vanilla?"
"V-A-N," the man said.
"Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?" Asked the scooper.
"S-T-R-A-W."
"Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?" The Scooper asked.
The man blinked. "There is no “fuck” in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" The Scooper screamed.
QUICK JOKE II
A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a
noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"
NEW STUFF I WANT TO OFFER YOU SO I CAN GET YOUR MONEY!
We've got some brand ass-spanking new item in The Crap Shoppe for you if you are interested and, let's face it... you are. You can't deny it.
First
of all, for you pissed off trekkers and anyone with good taste in
general, I offer you the UPN: Worst Network Ever T-Shirt!
That's right, children, we've all thought it for years and now, you can express it on your clothing! So, buy one... buy two... Hell, buy a whole wardrobe! Make this your apparel of choice! Help send UPN a message that they suck more than we thought humanly possible!
There's three other new designs as well, so pop on over to The Crap Shoppe where our motto is, "We want your money!"
RANDOM MUSINGS
Superbowl: Who cares? I have better things to do with my time than watch 22 millionaires fight over a ball.
North Korea: So, they're saying they have nukes and are practically begging for someone to give them attention, yet we went off nation-building in a country that hardly had enough fire-power to blow its nose. Thanks, Dubya.
The Amazing Race: Dammit to Hell! I was hoping that Kris and John would win and not whiney Freddy or that racist Kendra bitch. Oh well, it was a good race. Can't wait for the next one.
Johnny Carson: I downloaded the old version of The Tonight Show theme onto my computer because I was feeling nostalgic. Then, I watched a little of Leno and a little of Letterman. Man, I miss Johnny.
American Dad: I'm pretty disappointed in this new show from Seth MacFarlane. It seemed to me like it's too much of a Family Guy clone. Hopefully, though, what we saw was just pilot jitters and the show will find its own identity.
Arthur Miller: I've apparently got to stop writing these blogs. Every time I do, I find out that someone I like has died.
Sick: I spent most of this week sick with nastiness exploding out of both ends. Aside from that, I've found that sitting at home all day is really boring. On the other hand, I've played more Gamecube in the last week than I have all year.
American Idol: I really hate the audition shows. I'm not sure how many people find the attention hogs that come on the show to be bad on purpose funny, but I'm in Simon's camp in thinking that they are just a huge waste of time. Also, is it me or is Simon being extra bastardly this year?
Return of the Living Dead Part II: Finally, I have this movie on DVD. My collection finally feels complete, although I have to say that this DVD has the worst commentary ever... I mean, they got some guy who played in the movie as a kid and never appeared in another movie since. What does he say? He tells you what's going on in the scene! Wow, I'm glad you're here to tell us this!
Michael Jackson: Dude's going to jail. Eee hee!
NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
I've got to give a shout-out to one of the sites I have frequented for the last four years. It's Rotten Tomatoes, a place where you can get a quick critical consensus of the crap that comes out of Hollywood. Don't forget the Rotten Tomatoes forums where you can chat and argue with other movie buffs (including myself) and take part in the famous Monday Photoshop Contests that appear here on slightlywarped.com!
Go on by and check out Rotten Tomatoes today!
AND NOW, THE UPDATES...
Holy crap! Has this been a busy week or what? Thanks to my illness, I've stayed home a lot and worked on some new stuff which I will share with you now if you will just shut up and let be continue.
You remember the big multi-writer archs in Justice Squad, right? "Justice Squad: 1,000,000" and "Reign of the Capemen" have been some of the serial's greatest achievements and now, we're kicking off another major arch: "Justice Squad: Elseworlds!"
In this arch, we're literally taking the Justice Squad universe and turning it on its ear. Our favorite characters will be appearing in situations both strange and confusing and the only dictate that the writers have is to go completely crazy with their ideas!
The first part of the story, "Sea Men and Women" is up today, so go check it out and prepare for the coming week's of craziness!
Over at Fun with Photoshop, we've taken on The Wedding Date. There are some really great and some really messed-up and disturbing images this time around, so go and check them out!
Donner's Movie Reviews has a massive update in store for you as six... yes, six movies have been through Donner's shredder including Boogeyman, Racing Stripes, The Wedding Date, Hide and Seek, and Alone in the Dark!
Finally, I've got a new navigation panel finshed for the secondary pages on slightlywarped.com that will give our visitors easier access to newer sections of the website such as The Halloween Haunt and The Crap Shoppe.
That's the end of this half-assed update. I wish you all joy and peace and a massive spirit of generosity.
Get it?
Friday, February 18th, 2005
QUICK JOKE
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy
and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when
the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got
the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said
the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants
and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy
pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the
Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size
as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other
two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So
did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the
other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
QUICK JOKE II
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa
to spella Mississippi.''
THE UFO PHENOMENON
Do you believe in UFOs? Do you
believe in life on other planets? Do you think that little green
men are anally probing every idiot they find in Arkansas?
ABC News and slightlywarped.com have joined forces to answer that question with the new ABC News special The UFO Phenomenon: Seeing is Believing with Peter Jennings.
The program, which airs on February 24th at 8/7C on ABC, is going to take a fresh look at UFOs and the mysteries surrounding them. Among the topic are sightings, the crash at Roswell, and interviews with over 150 witnesses, scientists, and experts!
Will your eyes be opened or will you just continue to believe that UFOs are a bunch of baloney? Tune in to ABC on Februaray 24th at 8/7C for The UFO Phenomenon: Seeing is Believing with Peter Jennings and be sure to click on the ABC News UFO banners on this website to learn more about this program.
Beam me up, Jennings! Click the banners or links for more details! Not only will you be learning about this great special, but you'll be supporting slightlywarped.com as well!
THE OSCARS
You know, this is the first time in a long time that I'm actually looking foreword to the Academy Awards. I mean, first of all... You've got Chris Rock who is a brilliant comedian (even if he can't make a good movie to save his life) who is already stirring up controversy by saying that only gays watch the Oscars.
Then, you've got a line up of movies, The Aviator, Ray, Million Dollar Baby, Finding Neverland, and Sideways which are all nominated for best picture. I haven't seen Sideways yet, but I've seen the others and, you know what? I have no idea who the hell is going to win!
Five people are nominated for best actor, and out of all of them... I have no idea who's going to win! I don't even know who the front-runners are.
So, here we go... here are my predictions with who may upset my picks when the night comes:
Best Picture: The Aviator
Upset: Million Dollar Baby
Best Animated Film: The Incredibles
Upset: None. The
Incredibles have it.
Best Actor: Jaime Foxx, Ray
Upset: Leonardo DiCaprio,
The Aviator
Best Actress: Hillary Swank, Million
Dollar Baby
Upset: Kate Winslet,
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Best Supporting Actor: Thomas Hayden Chuch,
Sideways
Upset: Jaime Foxx,
Collateral
Best Supporting Actress: Cate
Blanchett, The Aviator
Upset: Sophie Okonedo in Hotel
Rwanda
Best Director: Martin Scorsese for
The Aviator
Upset:
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
So, there we go. That's who I think is going to win. Will I be right? We'll all find out Sunday the 27th on ABC!
Damn, it's so cool to be looking foreword to the Oscars again!
THE RAZZIES
Now to try and predict the flip-side. The Golden Raspberry Awards, also known as The Razzies, are given out to the worst of the worst Hollywood movies of the year.
Worst Picture: Catwoman
Upset: Baby Geniuses 2:
Superbabies
Worst Actor: George W. Bush, Fahrenheit
9/11
Upset: Ben Affleck,
Surviving Christmas
Worst Actress: Halle Berry, Catwoman
Upset: The Olsen
Twins, New York Minute
Worst On Screen Couple: George W. Bush &
EITHER Condoleeza Rice OR His Pet Goat, Fahrenheit 9/11
Upset: The Olsen Twins, New
York Minute
Worst Supporting Actress: Sharon
Stone, Catwoman
Upset: Britney Spears in
Fahrenheit 9/11
Worst Supporting Actor: Val Kilmer,
Alexander
Upset:
Donald Rumsfeld
in Fahrenheit 9/11
Worst Director: Pitov for
Catwoman
Upset: Oliver Stone
for Alexander
Worst Remake or Sequel: Exorcist:
The Beginning
Upset: Alien vs. Predator
The Razzies are given out the day before the Oscars. Unfortunately, this even isn't televised.
NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
One
of the strangest phenomenons I've ever seen has got to be Mike: The
Headless Chicken and, like all phenomenons, Mike has his own website:
miketheheadlesschicken.org.
Mike began life in 1945 and, if the farmer who owned him would have had his way, his life would have ended then as well... but when the axe fell and Mike's severed head hit the ground, the chicken didn't die... in fact, the damn thing lived for 18 months without a head!
Miracle Mike, as he has come to be called, has sparked an entire movement... even going so far as his fans starting a fake campaign drive to elect Mike president.
Not bad for a headless chicken who's been dead for sixty years. Visit Mike today at miketheheadlesschicken.org.
AND NOW, THE UPDATES...
Here we go...
There's a new episode of Justice Squad continuing the saga of alternate worlds with "Elseworlds: Donner of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Blue Balls."
Over at the Movie Review Page, threes new reviews are waiting for you... Hitch, Mulan II, and Hotel Rwanda. Also, the Best and Worst movies of 2004 have been updated with a couple of new entries. Check out the lists in the Special Features section to see what's new!
Fun with Photoshop has desecrated the innocence of Winnie the Pooh as our talented photoshop artists took on the brand new Pooh's Heffalump Movie! This is our biggest contest yet and, honestly, our best ever!
In case you haven't noticed, I've made good on an old promise and have finally updated The Slightly Warped X-Files page and made it pretty!
That's all the updates for this week! Y'all take care and remember to visit the website for The UFO Phenomenon: Seeing is Believing with Peter Jennings to support research into the unknown and to support slightlywarped.com!
Friday, February 25th, 2005
QUICK JOKE
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about
to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll
ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
QUICK JOKE II
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your
wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And
you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes
crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
QUICK JOKE III
While walking home from work one day,
Frank saw a woman weeping uncontrolably. “What's wrong?” he asked,
putting an arm around her shoulder.
“It's horrible,” she said, “just horrible -- Jerome is dead!” Feeling
there was little he could do, Frank walked on.
A few minutes later, he came upon another woman crying hysterically.
“Jerome is dead!” she screamed as she staggered past.
Continuing along the road, Frank came upon a sickening sight: a big bear
of a man lay on the road beneath the wheels of a truck. The force of the
impact had ripped the man's clothes off and, much to Frank's surprise,
the man had a penis over a foot long. There were several other women
surrounding him screaming, “'Jerome is dead! Jerome is dead!”
Upon reaching his house, he said to his wife, “Honey, you won't believe
what i just saw. A man was lying in the road, stiff as a board -- and he
had an endowment at least fourteen inches long.”
“Sweet Jesus,” she said, “Jerome is dead?!”
MY PRO FOOTBALL ADVENTURE
Over the last few weeks, in addition to my regular duties at the television station I work at, I have been shanghaied into working on a sports show. Personally, I hate sports of just about any sort. I don't mind playing them, but I hate watching them.
So, what the hell am I supposed to do on a sports show, pray tell?
So, I told the producers and hosts... hey, I don't mind doing the show, but I am going to do my own stories my own way. Since we're short-handed, there was really no way they could refuse me.
So, for my first assignment, I tried out for a pro football team. No shit! I went through all the paces... the strength tests, the speed and agility tests... everything that a real pro football player would do, I did.
Now, let me just set this up for you: I am a pudgy little fat guy who hasn't played football since I was in junior high. Not only did I almost kill myself doing this hair-brained stunt, but I hurt for days afterward. I didn't end up making the team by a long shot and, the sad thing is, I wasn't the worst one to try out.
All in all, my performance was rated as "not bad" and, as long as it's not "bad" I'm happy. Of course, I didn't make the team, but the sports show got a pretty funny segment out of it. Once I get finished editing it, I'll see if I can post it here for your viewing pleasure.
That way, you can watch me make a complete ass of myself.
NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
Hate your name? Wish you had a cooler one? Well, my friend, why don't you just visit namehumor.com and see some real names of real people that will have you scratching your head and wishing you could slap some parents in the face.
I mean, seriously... what can you say to someone named " Albie Latefordinner" or "Sue Yourazzof?" What about "Phil Likesheet" and his brother "Luke Likesheet?"
Give it a look today!
AND NOW, THE UPDATES...
First of all, The Arcade has welcomed eight (yes, eight) new games to the lineup.
The first up is the return of Rigellian Hot-Shots. It's a simple game, but you get to kill little fairy things with a big fireball.
In Mario Brothers Shootout, it's up to you to protect the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom from attack... by blowing away all the Super Mario baddies with automatic weapons.
A couple of blasts from the past come in the form of Donkey Kong and Asteroids. Donkey Kong is faithfully recreated from its eighties counterpart and while Asteroids has gotten a 21st century upgrade.
Bubbles is a game where you have to avoid being popped while Fishy is a game where you avoid being eaten.
Hapland is a clever little game with no instructions... it's up to you to figure it out and solve the mystery. Just don't kill to many stickmen while you're at it.
Finally, in Happy Pill, it's your job to make people happy with medication... just don't let them overdose.
Over at Justice Squad, the Elseworlds super-story continues with a world where all the heroes have disappeared with the exception of one... Fanboy! Is this dimension screwed? Probably.
At Fun with Photoshop, we've taken on yet another innocent family film, Because of Winn-Dixie, and have turned it into something offensive, sick, and just plain wrong.
Donner's Movie Reviews is back with reviews of Constantine, Son of the Mask, and The Notebook.
And that's all I have for you this week! Read, enjoy, donate, click the google ads, or screw off!