Thursday, January 7, 2005

QUICK  JOKE

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

EXTREME DOG SHOWS

Extreme sports are everywhere.  We've got extreme football, extreme rock climbing, hell... we even have extreme ironing.  Anything and everything can be made into an extreme sport if you just add a little element of danger.

So, while I was watching the extreme boredom that is a dog show on TV, I got to thinking... What about Extreme Dog Shows?

It's a beautiful idea.

First of all, you take these pampered and permed pooches and put them out on the show floor.  For the first round, a nice big and juicy steak is placed out in the center of the floor.  Whichever doggies are able to withstand the temptation move onto the next round.

Oh, and I guess posture, teeth, ears, and whatever the hell else is judged in a dog show would be taken into some kind of consideration too probably.

For the second round, a live cat would be released onto the floor.  Again, whichever dog can withstand the temptation would move on.

There would also be some sort of obstacle course with sharp pikes, fire, and live crocodiles.

During the awarding of the ribbons, the judge would carry around a gun because, of course, in extreme dog shows, the losers would be euthanized on the spot... TO THE EXTREME!

The great thing about this idea is that it doesn't have to stop at dog shows.  What about Extreme Spelling Bees?  Extreme Miss America Pageants?  Who wouldn't love to see Extreme American Idol?  The losers die... but the winner lives on forever!

PUTTING THE "DIE" IN DIET

So, I'm deep into 2005 and the bet where, if I loose a hundred pounds by January 6th, 2006, I get five hundred bucks.  So, I've been busy getting my fat ass to the gym, jogging, and biking and watching what I shove into my mouth.

Well, after one week I am proud to say that I have lost a grand total of three whole pounds.   That's a small Chihuahua in case you're wondering.

It's not a lot, but it's a start.  I'm getting almost used to waking up early, staying hungry all day, and going to sleep hungry... it's making me cranky as hell, but I am learning to live with it.

Tune in next week to see if I hit the double digits... or at least loose another Chihuahua.

AND HERE ARE THE UPDATES

Repeating what was said last week, slightlywarped.com has joined hundreds of other websites and Unicef to drum up donations for the Earthquake and Tsunami victims in Asia.  All you have to do is click the icon below and make a donation.

Experts are saying that this is probably one - if not the - worst natural disaster in recorded history.  Right now the toll stands at about 150,000 people, but we have been warned that number will probably double in the next few weeks as more bodies are found and diseases start to run rampant.

There are people who have lost literally everything in this tsunami.  Look around at what you have, be thankful for it, and then give to those in need.

Those if you who went into Justice Squad withdrawls over the Christmas break can now rejoice!  Justice Squad is back with all new episodes as we start the second half of the season with "Inauguration" where Justice Squad fights a new foe, America gets a new president, love is betrayed, and Justice Squad is shaken up for the third time in a year!  Check out this new episode today!

If games are your thing, head on over to The Arcade where five new games have joined the line-up.

For those of you who loved Flash Trek and Flash Trek: Romulan Wars, check out Flash Trek: Assault where you must defend a starbase from waves of enemy attack!

Flash Wars is a Flash Trek: Romulan Wars spinoff featuring the Star Wars universe instead of the Star Trek universe.

In Hungry Space, you play the part of a mutant space fish thing.  You're hungry, so you want to eat everything smaller that you... but be careful that you don't end up the meal of anything bigger!

Plastic Balls is a new take on Breakout where the bricks are in a circle instead of a row.

Finally, for those of you who have been clamoring for Mini-Putt 3, it's finally here... but be warned, I think that Satan himself designed this course.  It's harder than hell!

Finally, over at the Movie Review Page, there are new reviews of Meet the Fockers, Darkness, Fat Albert, and Flight of the Phoenix.  That brings us up to 915 reviews in total... will we be seeing 1000 soon?  Find out.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a TV show I'm going to try and sell to Spike TV... EXTREME DOG SHOW:  Where the competition really is DOG EAT DOG!

Laters.

Friday, January 14, 2005

QUICK  JOKE

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''

''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir, are the father of triplets.''

''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the third man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers...''

THE STUPID BRITISH MONARCHY or HOW TO PISS OFF EACH AND EVERY BRITISH VISITOR TO THIS WEBSITE

I know that I rarely ever talk about someone from another government - usually saving my ire for Dubya - but I just found this too good to pass up.

There are times that I really just want to slap people for, like, an hour or two.  One of those people right now is Prince Harry.  Harry, Harry, Harry... what the hell were you thinking, man?  Dressing up like a Nazi for a costume party?  Dude, you are out of your damn mind.  Obviously, this kid is immature and stupid for pulling such a stunt.

But, then, I got to thinking... Harry is really nothing more than the result of centuries of inbreeding.  Sure, thanks to a healthy dose of his mother's DNA, his gene pool is a little deeper than his dad's, but you know that all of that cousin on cousin lovin' going on in Brittan can't be very beneficial to the offspring's intelligence.

I continued thinking... shouldn't somebody... anybody clued Harry in on what a disastrous costume choice he's made?  I mean, surely a servant or someone would have seen him at some point before he got to the party.  But think about this... how many times do you think anyone has ever said "no" to this kid in his entire life?  Do you honestly think that anyone would dare tell a royal, "Dude... seriously... that costume?  Bad idea."

I continued thinking... Why is Britain continuing the monarchy at all?  I like Britain, I have British friends, but no one can deny that many uppity-up Brits have always looked down their noses at us here in the US in many regards... they see the death penalty as barbaric, they denounce our comedy and entertainment choices, and basically see us as a more primitive and unrefined society...

...and yet, they pay for a monarchy with no power, no connection to common people, and no real desire to do anything productive for their own society.  Exactly how many schools could be funded with that money that gets poured into that useless Monarchy?  How many hungry children could be fed?  How many teeth could be fixed?

So, in conclusion... the British Royal Family is stupid, spoiled, and decidedly unneeded.

My advise, Britain, since - let's face it - you value my opinion so highly and all, dump the monarchy.  Dump Elizabeth, Charles, Harry, and William out on the street and tell them to get a real job.  I'm sure that they could make a killing on the talk show circuit.  Turn the palace into a museum for everyone of every culture to enjoy.  Stop wasting your money on this antiquated, dated, and stupid idea that should have been left back in the stone age with bell-bottoms and neckerchiefs.

I mean, if Harry thinks that dressing up as a Nazi is all in good fun, exactly what sort of society does he think he's representing?

IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIET

Here we are, two weeks into January and well into my race to drop a hundred pounds before January 1, 2006.  I'm not doing any specialized diet, no stupid carb thing, no weight watchers or slim fast... I'm just doing what all doctors say you should do... eat less and move more.

Well, I don't have an official weight from this morning, but when I weighed in last night I found that I have shrunken down to a slightly less flabby 290 meaning that I have, as of this day, lost nine pounds.

Just to put that in perspective for you, the following items weigh nine pounds:  A large baby, the human head, an average housecat, a steel log-splitting wedge, a fully-cooked honey ham.

So, that's where I stand for now.  I like to think that I am almost a tenth of the way there and I will have lost the weight by May if this keeps up, but the realist in me knows that there is a plateau that I am going to hit sooner or later.

So, the diet and exercise continues.  Tune in next week to see if there is less of me to go around.

AND HERE ARE THE UPDATES

First of all, you may have noticed that slightlywarped.com has signed on with Google Ads.  This is a great plan for us because, unlike the other ad programs we've tried in the past, Google actually pays by the click and not by the purcahse.  So, if you feel so inclined and see something that tickles your pickle on the google ads, do us a favor... click on it and take a look.  We've had very satisfying sucess with this program thusfar and it looks that, with Google's help, slightlywarped.com will not only be self-sufficent in a couple of months, but might also pay for the upgrades that it needs.

Click away!

Now, on to the updates... First of all, in a recent poll of pages visited, I found out that Fun with Photoshop is actually one of our most popular pages on the website.  To celebrate, we've started giving out awards to the best of the best in the photoshop contests from Rotten Tomatoes... that means more funny photoshops for us as well!  Check out the new gallery for the movie Racing Stripes now!

Finally, over at what is - I have also learned - the most popular page on the website, Donner's Movie Reviews, we've got a brand new review of The Aviator!

Finally, who can forget Justice Squad?  It's back with brand-new episodes and in the latest one, Justice Squad: Canada, our favorite superheroes are setting up shop North of the border with maple syrup and hockey jokes galore!

And that's it!  Go enjoy the crap which you have been given.

Friday, January 20, 2005

QUICK  JOKE

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

BOO BUSH!  BUY MY STUFF!

I was sitting around the house today in my underwear, scratching myself while watching the presidential inauguration.  Personally, I saw it all as a tremendous waste of time and money... I mean, Bush is already president... why go through the whole thing over again?

Now, I'm not going to rant about Bush today.  He's the president, he was re-elected and as baffling as that fact is, I accept it as the will of the people.  After all, that's what America is all about... majority rules.  The only problem with that is, sometimes you find yourself in the minority.

However, America is also about the minority having a voice.  We may not have won this time around at the polls, but we're sure as hell going to voice our displeasure at Dubya getting another sure-to-be disastrous four years in office.

So, get on over to The Crap Shoppe today for the slightlywarped.com original "Bush Happens!" baseball shirt.

That's right... Move over, T-Shirt Hell.  The Slightly Warped Website is getting into the novelty T-Shirt business with this stylish tee that is both comfortable to wear and a scandalous political statement!

We may be doomed for the next four years, but when Drinky McDumbass is finally impeached and removed from office, you can wear this shirt, look at all the facist neocons, and say, "I told you so!"

Visit The Crap Shoppe today for your "Bush Happens" baseball shirt, or any of our other fine crap today.

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

There are a lot of flash cartoons on the internet and most of them range from terrible to decent.  One series, I have found, not only eclipses all the content I've found online, but also rivals any cartoon series on TV today!

The series is called Xombie: The Animated Series and it takes place in a post-apocalyptic world were zombies walk the Earth.  One Zombie, Dirge, has somehow held onto his humanity but no his memories... he doesn't know who is is or why he's different but he's determined to help lead a little lost girl named Zoe to a human settlement.  The only problem is, there are millions of zombies in the way.

Xombie: The Animated Series is an incredible online achievement with characters that harkon back to the animated Batman series... not "The Batman", but the good one.  Go check out James Farr's kickass webcartoon today!

THE DIET CONTINUES

I didn't loose any weight this week because I was too tired to exercise and too lazy to eat right.  No problem, though, because I slacked and I paid the price and I'm going to get back on the ball next week come Hell, high water, or ice cream!

AND HERE ARE THE UPDATES

Over on the Justice Squad page, there's a brand new episode that once again teams up Cosmic Weasel and Wolfman.  It's "2 Fast 2 Furry-ous" and, this time, Cos and Wolfie are going deep undercover in a criminal organization... the only problem is, one of the criminals knows exactly who they are.  Will this mystery person snitch?  Why are Jesse and Thad undercover?  Find out now at Justice Squad!

Over at Fun with Photoshop, there's a new photoshop contest poking fun at the movie, In Good Company!  With over 60 entries this time around, this is one of the biggest and best photoshop contests we've ever had!

Finally, if you were curious about that movie, White Noise... be curious no more.  It has fallen before Donner's wrath over at Donner's Movie Reviews!

And don't forget, if you're not a member of The Forums @ Slightlywarped.com, why don't you become one today?  We discuss all kinds of thing there including politics, movies, and TV shows like Lost and Law & Order: SVU!

Friday, January 28, 2005

QUICK  JOKE

How many realists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, stupid!

QUICK  JOKE II

A male lion and a female zebra were having an affair.  One day, the lion was giving it to the zebra out on the Savanna when he saw his wife come up over the hill.  Quickly, he bit the zebra on the back of the neck and said, "Quick!  Act like I'm killing you!"

QUICK  JOKE III

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a cold beer. After a few minutes, a big, tall cowboy walked into the bar and said, "Who owns the big, white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do. Who's asking?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about ready to drop dead from heat exhaustion. So, the Lone Ranger got the horse some water, and soon Silver started to look better. The Lone Ranger then turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief."

Tonto replied, "Sure thing, Kemosabe." The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer, and Tonto ran circles around Silver.

A few minutes later, another cowboy walked into the bar and asked, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up and claimed, "I do, what's the problem now?"

"Nothing," replied the cowboy, "but you left your Injun runnin'."

THE AMAZING HYPOCRICY

So, here's the deal.  I love The Amazing Race.  Out of all the Reality Shows out there, The Amazing Race is the only one that generates any kind of excitement or suspense.  Simply put, it's the best reality TV show ever.

This season has been no exception.  I've loved some of the teams, I've hated some of the teams, and I've just gotten into the show like I haven't gotten into it in a long time.

And then, this week, they found themselves in Shi Lanka.

This show was filmed months before the Tsunami so the entire country was in pristine condition.  Despite it all, I couldn't help but wonder as I watched the show... Wow, I wonder how many of those buildings are still standing.  I wonder how many of those people are still alive.

It was really depressing.  Not even Jonathan was around to fan the flames of my hatred for him.

But then, I got to thinking.  The finale of the first Amazing Race was to have had the teams run through the plaza of the World Trade Center.  After 9/11, that part of the episode was cut out to avoid offending everyone.  Now, I am in no way diminishing what happened on September 11th, but doesn't that speak volumes about American's general arrogance about the world around us?

Three thousand people die in the United States and we end up editing movies and TV shows so we won't be reminded of it... yet more than a quarter of a million people are washed away on the other side of the world and it doesn't seem to bother anyone.

Sure, The Amazing Race made mention of the Tsunami and, at the end of the show, dedicated the episode to those who had died and gave out information about Tsunami relief...  Why didn't they do that the first season?  I'm sure that there were plenty of families that needed help here as well.

But, of course, we didn't want to offend anyone. 

I just find it highly hypocritical that we think that the death of 3000 Americans is an event so tragic that to even look back at it... or even remind ourselves that there were buildings in New York that fell down is unbearable, but the death of 250,000 people (or more) over in Asia is a sad thing... but nothing to get worked up over.

Life is life, no matter if you're in America, Shi Lanka, Iraq, or Timbuktu.  Location of that life does not freakin' matter.  Why do we treat it like it does?

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Ever wonder what would happen if things had gone a little differently in the world?  Apparently, a lot of other people have as well and they've gotten together to create Other Timelines, chronologies that account what might have been.  What would happen if 9/11 was thwarted?  What if Star Wars flopped?  What if Christopher Reeve only broke his arm?  What if William Shatner never replaced Jeffery Hunter on Star Trek?  What if Quebec succeeded from Canada?  From the major to the minor and all in between, Other Timelines asks the big what if's and some of the answers may surprise you!

THE DIET SAGA CONTINUES

Yes, I hit the diet again with a vengeance when I discovered that I'd actually gained some of the weight back that I had lost.  Well, life lesson I guess.  I'll let you know how it turns out this week.

AND HERE ARE THE UPDATES

Click yourself over to the Justice Squad page and you'll find a brand new episode featuring everyone's favorite green tiger, Devour in what is being called the most disturbing episode of Justice Squad all year!  See what the fuss is about now!

Fun with Photoshop is busting out with the results of a new photoshop contest featuring Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera.  There were some awesome entries this time around, so you don't want to miss it!

Donner has victimized three new flicks at Donner's Movie Reviews... Elektra, In Good Company, and Are We There Yet?  One he liked... two he hated.  Wanna know which is which?

There are a couple of new games over at The Arcade.  One is a revisit of the classic Nintendo game, Excite Bike... only this time around, it's different in new and disturbing ways!

Also, if you like fighting games, take Power Fox for a spin.  It's cute, it's funny, it's inventive, and it kicks all kinds of ass.

Lighting Break was the most played game of January and and the least played game was Outpost Deadlaw.  If Outpost Deadlaw remains as the least popular game for three months, it gets removed from the arcade.

Get signed up at The Forums @ Slightlywarped.com and join in the discussion of whatever tickles your pickle.

And that's it!  I've had enough of you people.  Go home!