Sunday July 10, 2005

QUICK JOKE

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

QUICK JOKE II

A mother, a father and a young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's... that's nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mom say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

QUICK JOKE III

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

MOVING!

At long last, my wife and I have made the decision to get out of this one-horse town and head towards slightly greener pastures.  Over the next couple of weeks, we're packing up and moving to Fort Worth.

Needless to say, I'm going to be a busy little bastard over the next month or two and updates to the site may be sporadic until I get internet access at our new house... when we get a house, that is.

Please bear with us.  The Slightly Warped Website isn't going anywhere... it's just a secondary priority for me now.

THE UPDATES

In case you haven't seen it yet, Justice Squad has a brand new Summer Story teaming up Luna and Wolfman in Beauty and the Beast!  There's also a special episode, "Bride of Shortcuts" that will keep you partially entertained until next season starts!

Over at Fun with Photoshop, we've taken on The Fantastic Four and even had a guest judge this week!

On our Movie Review Page, we've savaged War of the Worlds, Bewitched, and Land of the Dead!

Finally, because I'm not sure when I'll be able to do it again, it's a big update to The Arcade with about a dozen new games!

Well, I'm spent.  I'm off to go pack up my Earthly possessions and prepare to get the hell out of here!

Wednesday July 20, 2005

Friday July 28, 2005

QUICK JOKE

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." "

QUICK JOKE II

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

QUICK JOKE III

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. 

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Hey, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S PENIS

Boy, did I have an adventure this week!

I work as a promotions director for a FOX station but don’t hold that against me because I’m basically a nice guy. FOX must love us promotions directors because they footed the bill to have us all flown to Orlando, Florida for an FPEC conference. Orlando, Florida in the middle of July? I guest the surface of the sun was already booked.

So, what does FPEC stand for? I’m not really sure… I mean, I’ve pretty much figured out that the FP stands for “Fox promotional” and the C stands for conference, but I have no idea what the E is supposed to stand for. A woman on the place said that it might be “entertainment” and that sounds good enough for me considering I really don’t give a damn.

The conference took place at the Universal Studios Resort which was pretty cool. They put us up in the Portafino Bay Hotel which is ultra-nice and then gave us half a day at either Universal Studios or Islands of Adventure. After checking in, I decided to go to the Studios because I had a raging headache and didn’t feel like riding a rollercoaster. The park is nice, but if you’ve been there for half a day – or any time in the last five years – you’ve pretty much seen and done it all and it gets real boring real fast. I think I hit every ride and show with the exception of the Back to the Future Ride which I’d been on dozens of times in the past and, to be quite frank, it hasn’t aged well and the Jaws ride which just plain sucks.

It was with a rather heavy heart that I learned that the King Kong ride had been shut down since it was one of my favorites as a kid, but the ride they put in its place, Revenge of the Mummy, kicks ass. It was one of my favorites and the only one I bothered to ride more than once.

The conference itself was pretty dull and basically stretched out maybe three hours of useful information into a day and a half. Still, since they did go to the trouble of sending me to Florida, I took it all with a smile.

One really cool thing was that Discovery was launching the first day of the conference and I had resolved to myself and to the colleague I was traveling with that I was going to sneak out and watch it go up. Thankfully, FPEC called for a break five minutes before the launch and made mention that we should all go outside and watch it go up. We get outside and what do we see? A gigantic cloud due east of us. Discovery was visible for about a second, but I missed it and only saw the comtrail like a billion dollar shuttle fart.

Coming home was the real adventure. The flight from Orlando to Dallas went off without a hitch, but the flight home was the problem. First, it was delayed by over two hours. Not a horrible thing, but we were both tired and grumpy by that point and it was like being stabbed in the knee with a pen. About ten minutes before our flight was supposed to start boarding, my colleague decided she needed a cigarette and went out of the terminal, forgetting her boarding pass and IDs. She called me, I went and took them to her, and then we turned around and found out that the terminal had been closed. We raced to the one entrance that was open and there, we were told by those ever-so-useful Homeland Security goons that they weren’t letting anyone in. It didn’t matter that we had boarding passes or identification… they weren’t going to let us in. They even mocked us as we told them that our plane was taking off in minutes.

We went to a courtesy phone to see about getting an American Airlines agent to come and let us in and, when we did, we saw that security started letting in people to the gate. We ran back over and were still denied entrance.

Now, it wasn’t long after this that I figured out what was going on… the guards were Hispanic and the only people they let through were other Hispanics. When the white people came up, we were turned away. It was really the first time I’d ever encountered that level of racism and, let me tell you, I have a lot more empathy for people who experience it on a daily basis. Regardless, we took note of the gate and descriptions of the guards and right now, FOX is considering legal action.

This has also cemented my feelings about Homeland Security. It’s a harassing, stupid waste of money and, in its entire history of existence, has yet to catch one terrorist.

Needless to say, we missed our flight and there wasn’t one until the next day. This lady from American was highly apologetic and pretty infuriated by Homeland Securities behavior. She gave us a discounted motel rooms at a Super 8 which is, like, the asscrack of motels but at least the staff was nice.

We finally got home the next morning just in time for me to learn that my wife has gotten a job in Fort Worth that will a little more than triple the income that I make at FOX. So, we’re moving a little sooner than I thought.

Unfortunately, until we get things straightened out and get into a new home or apartment or wherever we end up, it means that The Slightly Warped Website will be going dark for a number of weeks. The content will still be here, but there won’t be any updates until I get internet service in our new home.

So, just hang in there kids… hopefully this will be a quick transition and the site will get running like the well-oiled monstrosity you’re all used to. I’m not sure when the move date is, so tune in for more details.