Tuesday June 6, 2005
QUICK JOKE
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know
what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate
saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my
suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran
out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
QUICK JOKE II
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for
dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do
the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was
sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner
and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible,
fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he
let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let
everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!" '
QUICK JOKE III
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his
mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any
breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he
goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the
cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any
milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any
eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also
saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the
cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his
mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
SUMMER SUCKS
I hate Summer. in addition to it being a big boring splotch on the calendar, it's hot. Hotter than hell. Sure, I hear New Yorkers whine and complain when the mercury hits ninety, well brother... try living in Texas where it's not only humid, but the temperature regularly hits a hundred and above.
It's doubly hard on me because I've turned into a big fat fuck over the last couple of years. In fact, the only place I've ever enjoyed myself during the Summer was in Alaska. The other day, Amy was looking into teaching positions and found one in an Eskimo village that you can only get to by sea plane.
The crazy thing is, we're actually considering it.
SUMMER SUCKS
I took Amy to San Antonio the other day on family business and, on the way out of town, we decided to visit the Alamo. You know, no matter how many shitty movies they decide to make about it, The Alamo holds a certain mystique about it that can't be denied. It's a national symbol, a shrine, and quite literally the birthplace of Texas independence.
It's also kind of creepy if you've ever been there. The building definitely has a personality and, if I'm not mistaken, the walls still retain a few bulletholes.
One thing I noted while I was there was the large number of Mexican tourists there... same thing with Pearl Harbor where there were a lot of Japanese tourists. It kind of made me wonder how many Americans visit Hiroshima.
Of course, that's the cynic in me. Part of me finds it more than a little hopeful that people who were fighting to the death 150 and 60 years ago can come to a place together and honor the dead. Gives me a little hope for the future.
...
Yeah, I know... this blog blows. I can't help it that Summer is slow.
THE UPDATES
There's a bunch of new games at The Arcade you
should probably check out, also there's a review of Mindhunters
at Donner's Movie Reviews, and we're taking on
Mr. and Mrs. Smith at Fun with Photoshop!
That gallery should be up in a couple of days.
That's it! Be well! Remember the Alamo!
Monday June 13, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as
the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the
doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the
waiting room."
QUICK JOKE II
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need:
a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a
roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe
was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was
incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
QUICK JOKE III
One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a
bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father
got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked
him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
MY BABY GIRL IS GONE
It all started out as a pretty decent weekend, at least until Saturday morning when little Samantha couldn't walk. Samantha is my wife's dog, by the way, and I'm going to tell you a cautionary tale that could save you a lot of heartache if you ever find yourself in the same situation.
Samantha (Or Sam as we called her) was a little Sheltie dog that came into my life when my wife did. Sam was already old when Amy first got her and when I met her, she was about 17. The week she died, she was 20.
Sam always had problems. She had suffered strokes during the last few years and had a hard time keeping her balance. She was incontinent and we had to keep her in a diaper. She also had hip problems and, over the last year, lost weight at an alarming rate. Not to mention, she was also partially deaf and blind.
Still, it seemed like she bounced back every time life kicked her down. She always had that spark in her eye that told you, "Hey, I'm still in the fight."
Sam was a sweet little girl who loved cheese and didn't mind just lying in the floor and sleeping the day away. If you bent down and scratched her head, it was as if it was the greatest thing that happened to her.
Over the last couple of years, Amy and I discussed what we would do if Sam's health made a turn for the worst and we both decided that if she ever got really bad, that we would take her in and have her put to sleep so that she wouldn't suffer.
God, oh God... I wished I had done it on Saturday.
That morning, you see, Sam threw up everything she had eaten and didn't have the strength to stand on her own four legs. We bathed her and got her moving again, but she would still stumble, still fall down, and then just lie there. We didn't do anything because, like in the past, we thought that she would bounce back and be good as new. After all, twenty year old dogs do that all the time, don't they?
And, you know, for a while she did and we thought we'd made a good call. She begged for food, ate, and was even more affectionate than usual. Later that night, however, things went bad.
Sam threw up again and, once again, didn't have the strength to walk. She had an irregular heartbeat and her breathing was labored. We both knew it was the end, but we couldn't take her anywhere. The vets were closed and wouldn't open until Monday. Unless it was an emergency, they wouldn't open up and putting a dog to sleep wasn't an emergency in their books.
So, we made Sam a bed in the bathtub and stayed up with her. For over twelve hours, the little dog fought and fought to stay with us until about 9:30 the next morning when she had a seizure and stopped breathing. My wife and I were there with her and were petting her when she died.
We buried Sam in the backyard and placed a couple of sunflowers from our garden on her grave. As my wife put it, "My baby girl is gone" and, even though I didn't know this dog until the last three years of her life, she managed to worm her way into my heart too. My baby girl is gone as well.
It wasn't until later that I realized that the reason why we never put Sam to sleep before wasn't for her sake, but it was for ours. We just didn't want to let go and because of our own selfishness, we kept Sam around even while she was in pain... even when she couldn't move on her own. I would give anything... anything if I could go back to Saturday morning and just made the right decision. God, I would do anything.
Amy and I made a pact today that we would make the right decision when it comes time for Chip, Zoe, Quesi, Evil, and Smacky. I will be damned if I ever impose that kind of suffering on another one of my animals again.
Amy and I learned something from this whole affair. Hopefully, just by reading this you've learned something as well and won't be forced to go through what we did.
THE UPDATES
Mr. and Mrs. Smith has been thoroughly trounced in the
Fun with Photoshop competition and this
week, we're going to take on Batman Begins from the 13th through the
15th! Go to rottentomatoes.com to enter that competition and come
back for the results on Wedneday!
Also, later this week, look for reviews of Kingdom of Heaven and Madagascar!
Monday June 20, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the
pilot's voice: “Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the
plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side,
you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my
co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”
QUICK JOKE II
There was a woman who had very small breasts and was too afraid to have
them surgically enhanced. So she went to the doctor to find some other
way to make them bigger.
"I have a miracle exercise for you to try. Wave your arms around and say
to yourself 'I must, I must, I must increase my bust' over and over."
The woman was skeptical, but stayed up all night doing the exercise. The
next morning, she was pleasantly surprised -- her breasts had gotten
much bigger overnight. A co-worker noticed the change and asked her what
she had done. After telling him about the miracle exercise he was very
excited. The next day, she saw her co-worker with a tremendous bulge in
his pants!
"What happened?" she said, surprised.
"Hickory, dickory, dock..."
QUICK JOKE III
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at
the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries
out, "Watch out for the wall!"
QUICK JOKE IV
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists —
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that
you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to
kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot
my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this
job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my
wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair.”
THANKS, EVERYONE
Just wanted to say thanks to all the well-wishers who wrote in with condolences for my wife and I over the death of Sam. Nice you know that there's still kindness to be found in complete strangers.
SUMMER STILL SUCKS
Son of a bitch, I hate Texas in the summer. Already, we're topping 105 degrees every day from the time the sun comes up to the time the sun goes down and every time I see that smug little bastard of a weather man we have tell us that we're going to be in for this for weeks to come, I just want to kick him in the nuts.
You know what a great way to beat the heat is? Why not Destroy All Humans? Surely you've seen the ads for this wickedly fun sci-fi video game, where you join a fleet of evil aliens who come to Earth to seriously wreck up the place. Check it out, we'll have a review of it up here soon!
NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK
Yeah, I haven't been doing these regularly... but here's a good one to get us back on track. How about Random Facts About Vin Diesel?
For instance, did you know...
- Vin Diesel shaves with a chainsaw.
- Vin Diesel is a division of Time Warner.
- Vin Diesel knows the last digit of pi. He says it's between 0 and 9.
- To his chagrin, Vin Diesel has never had sexual relations with a
woman; his penis is simply to large for the human vagina to accept.
Instead, he must copulate with bears.
THE UPDATES
We've gone batty for Batman Begins at Fun
with Photoshop with over 160 bat-entries into our bat-contest.
A brand new photoshop competition kicks off this Monday at Rotten
Tomatoes, so make sure that you take part!
Speaking of Batman Begins, we've got a review of that bad boy poster on the Movie Review Page as part of the massive, Wow... I've been lazy and gotten behind update! Look for additional reviews of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Madagascar, Kicking and Screaming, and Kingdom of Heaven.
Monday June 27, 2005
QUICK JOKE
An old man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
About an hour into their visit, the father began to breathe heavily.
He grabbed the pen and pad by the bed and with his last ounce of
strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the
note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his
coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it
might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU ASSHOLE -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
QUICK JOKE II
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to
him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I
am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend
is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other
friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural
blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it
three times.''
QUICK JOKE III
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him,
"Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said,
"Okay. I wish my dick could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.
CLOSE CALL
My little brother was out late at night last week trying to impress a girl no doubt when he slipped and fell off of a fifteen foot wall onto the concrete floor of a lake spillway. The impact broke his wrist in three places - and these aren't the pussy simple breaks or even one of those wimpy compound fractures, these are compression breaks that basically made his arm two inches shorter and destroyed his knuckles. He broke his jaw in three places as well and, in addition to all of that, broke one of the small bones in his ear.
We sat in the emergency room for six hours for him to come out and, a day later, he had two back-to-back surgeries to try and get him fixed up. The doctors rebuilt his wrist bone from scratch and put a plate in his jawbone to fix one of the breaks. The other two, they are hoping will heal on their own so they've surgically clamped his jaw shut with rubber bands. After about eight weeks he should be fine, but he'll still have to endure nine root canals to fix the damage done to his teeth.
Yeah, my little bother's got a long road ahead of him and, as an older brother, it's been pretty hard for me to see him so banged up. My instinct is to go out and kick someone's ass, but there's no one's ass to kick in this case so I'm a little lost.
I'm just wondering if that girl was impressed or not.
BUSH Sucks
I know I'm getting older because when something pisses me off, I've started to fire off letters to the editor of our shitty newspaper. This time, I went and wrote a letter supporting flag burning. Here it is...
Oh, and before anyone says anything... yeah, I paraphrased Peter David a little bit. I didn't think he'd mind.
Like a rash that won't go away, the
proposed flag desecration amendment that makes a mockery of the First
Amendment is back in Congress, and this time it looks like this slap in
the face that many Americans will happily take might actually get
passed.
I've never been a huge fan of burning the flag. I think it's a generally
unpleasant display done by generally unpleasant people. Not to mention
it's not a very effective way of getting your point across since it has
the effect of making everyone upset with you and your entire position.
Come to think of it, I hate flag burning. It is probably one of the most
unpopular expressions of free speech.
But isn't that our most important kind of free speech? After all, the
decisions to declare independence and allow women and minorities the
right to vote were once unpopular as well. They were so unpopular, in
fact, that bricks were thrown through windows, homes were set on fire
and people were killed because other people were so opposed to it.
The flag stands for a nation with freedoms, including the freedom to
burn the flag in protest. Shouldn't our elected officials know this?
Shouldn't they have been given a pamphlet or something?
What about articles of clothing with the flag on it? What about
disposable paper plates? Notebooks? Buttons? The flag inserts that the
Standard-Times gives out on patriotic holidays?
Will there be outrage when Mr. Middle Class American is pulled over
because of a desecrated American flag sticker on his back bumper and his
wife in a stars and stripe bikini? You're under arrest, thanks to a
bigoted and ignorant Congress.
Folks, you can't burn the flag of the United States by burning a
representation of it any more than you can burn the Declaration of
Independence by burning a copy of it.
You can, however, destroy the very concept of free speech by curbing it
because it upsets people. There's no cover here. It's shameful
censorship and a throttling of free expression by the very governmental
body that's sworn to protect it. President Bush and his merry band once
again steps on our civil rights without a single care in the world and,
like good Americans, it looks like we're just going to roll over and
take it.
''Ask the men and women who stood on top of the Trade Center,'' said
Rep. Randy Cunningham. ''Ask them and they will tell you: Pass this
amendment.''
I think that their first question would be about the $150 million this
administration slashed from their budget and pensions. Think about that
next time an elected official has the gall to evoke 9/11 to get this
shameful amendment passed.
I suppose many reading this letter will say that I am ''out of touch''
with America for feeling this way, but I would rather be out of touch
with America than out of touch with the concepts being an American is
all about.
In celebration of me getting so pissed off about Bush deciding that us ignorant unwashed Americans have far too many rights, there's a couple of new anti-Bush T-Shirts in The Crap Shoppe. Be assured, more are on their way.
THE UPDATES
July 1st, be sure to visit the Justice Squad
page because a brand new blockbuster story is going to debut starring
Luna and Wolfman called Beauty and the Beast along with the
whacked out collection of short Justice Squad skits, Bride of Short
Cuts!
We love Herbie, but not shitty remakes as we've demonstrated this week at Fun with Photoshop where Herbie: Fully Loaded is our prime target!
Also, check out the review of High Tension on our Movie Review Page!
Finally, yes folks, the galleries of Forum Fun are finally getting fixed. The Final Word is back up and more should be following soon!
That's it for me this week! I think I'm going to go wipe my ass with the Declaration of Independence while having a weenie roast with a burning flag... while I still can!!!