The Slightly Warped Website

Friday, March 4th, 2005

QUICK JOKE

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

QUICK JOKE II

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

QUICK JOKE III

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

MY COMPUTER: RIP

Yesterday I come home ready to work on this week's update, and what do I find? Not the obedient and dependable computer that I have known and loved, but rather a large and useless paperweight.

I'm not sure what's wrong with the thing, but I suspect that the hard drive has gone bad because not even a systems restore will fix it.

So, I'm calling on yous guys for some help. This computer snafu has hit me at the same time that I have to renew the domain for slightlywarped.com and pay for another year of hosting. Simply put, this is an expense that I can't cover on my own at this time, so if you would please give us a hand!

You can donate to the fix the computer fund or buy T-Shirts at the crappe shoppe or do something as small as clicking on the google ads around the site.

In the meantime, I've created a backup of the site on my work computer, but we all know good and damn well that I can't keep it there. Give a little, won't ya?

Loonatics

Have you heard about this retarded new cartoon called Loonatics? Seems that Warner Brothers has decided that Bugs Bunny and the rest of the Looney Tunes aren't extreme enough for todays youth, so they've taken Bugs, Daffy, The Tasmanian Devil, Wile W. Coyote, the Roadrunner, and that bitch, Lola Bunny, and given them a makeover, superpowers, and placed them 700 years in the future. Now, "Buzz Bunny" and his team of Loonatics protect the Earth and all that other stuff from evil and junk... to the extreme!!!

A lot of people are pretty upset over this new version of the Looney Tunes, but to put their minds at ease we here at slightlywarped.com have gotten our hot little hands on an exclusive preview of the very first episode of Loonatics.

Take a look and see for yourselves!

Click here for the exclusive preview episode!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Are you hip to the hidden stuff in your DVDs, in television shows, or in albums? Well, the folks at The Easter Egg Archive are and they're dishing the dirt!

Did you know that the Borg in Star Trek: First Contact are flashing Morse Code? Did you know that the creators of the Pirates of the Carribean ride in Disneyland managed to sneak their images into the ride? Did you know that there is a hidden message in Pink Floyd's The Wall album?

These and many more hidden easter eggs are uncovered at this website! Check it out!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Justice Squad's mega-arch continues with Elseworlds: Same World? An episode that is out of control! People die, crap happens! It's insane!

At Fun with Photoshop we've taken on Vin Diesel yet again with The Pacifier! This contest had about a hundred entries and was brilliant as well as hilarious!

And, finally, we've got brand new reviews of Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Sideways, and Cursed over at the Movie Review Page so check them bad boys out too.

And stay tuned! We've got BIG NEWS coming up in the weeks ahead!

And so, that is the end of this week's update. Remember, help me fix my computer by clicking the Google ads, buying stuff from The Crap Shoppe, or just by donating outright! It will make you feel better as a person, make you feel taller, fitter, thinner, and probably make you have a longer-lasting erection.

Until next week, this is your friendly neighborhood webmaster saying, bye!

Friday, March 11th, 2005

QUICK JOKE

Two blondes are walking through the woods on a hunting trip when one of them tripped and hit her head on a log, knocking herself out.

Her friend, panicked and anxious, quickly dialed 911. The operator asked her what was wrong.

"My friend tripped! I think she's dead!"

"Calm down," the operator said. "First thing's first. I need you to make sure that your friend is dead."

There was a silence and then the operator heard the sound of a rifle.

BANG!

"Okay, now what?" the blonde asked.

QUICK JOKE II

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

QUICK JOKE III

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.

"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!"

Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife's husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened.

"Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"

DONNER'S TV ROUNDUP

The Amazing Race

At least this time the race doesn't look like a parade of models, I will say that. Although some people find them off-putting, I'm rooting for Rob and Amber to win. Yeah, they've already got the million for winning Survivor, but they're confident, they're in it to win it, and they're having fun.

Of course, if the hillbillies hadn't gotten Phil-liminated on the first show, I would have been rooting for them. They were fun.

I hate... hate, hate, hate, hate the homosexual couple. Could they be any more freakin' annoying? I mean, for goodness sake! Could you possibly perpetuate one more stereotype in an hour?

American Idol

Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win. Bo has to win.

House

I hate medical dramas, yet I love this show. House is such a dick that he's just fun to watch!

Lost

Good God Almighty, this show just gets better and better with each episode. Hurley's lottery episode has to be the best yet and it almost made me kick my TV in because we won't get any new episodes for weeks. Damn you, ABC!

Star Trek: Enterprise

Well, if the show's gotta go, it's going out in high-fashion. Finally, the answer to the dumbest mystery in the Star Trek universe has been answered... what's the deal with Klingon foreheads? This episode rocked out hard.

Survivor

I can't say that I'm a huge fan of the fashion runway on the island they've assembled this year. First of all, how sporting was it when Wanda and Jonathan were kicked off without even a chance? So far, the only person I see worth rooting for is Tom.

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

There will always be nerds wondering if the Enterprise could win in a fight with a Star Destroyer or if the White Star could kick Moya's ass. Well, if you are one of those nerds (and if you say you aren't, you're a liar) might I recommend a site?

It's called Starship Dimensions and it is the ultimate guide to how big your favorite science fiction space ship is. They've even thrown in a few real examples also!

Starting with things as small as the human body, Virgin Galactic's Spaceship One, and your typical shuttlecraft from any number of shows, Starship Dimensions sizes them up all the way to Unicron, The Death Star, Ringworld, and a Dyson's Sphere.

It's pretty fascinating stuff!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

For both of you hooked on the new Justice Squad mega-arch, Elseworlds continues this week with a new episode called "Opening a Can of Wormholes."

In it, we're treated to a sci-fi spectacular that only something as off-the-wall as Justice Squad can come up with. I mean, when you parody Farscape, Firefly, Deep Space Nine, and more in a single story, you know it has to be good!

At Fun with Photoshop we took on The Jacket and got an unprecedented response. With over 120 entries, this is our biggest Photoshop contest to date! The entries are not disappointing! Check them out now!

Finally, we've reviewed the movie, Man of the House, at the movie review site. I've seen Sideways and I'm seeing Cursed and Diary of a Mad Black Woman this weekend, so the next update should be a little beefier.

And stay tuned! We've got BIG NEWS coming up in the weeks ahead!

That's all for this go-round. Remember to support this site and click the Google ads or just straight up donate. Hey, any way I can keep slightlywarped.com operational is fine with me!

Later skaters.

Friday, March 11th, 2005

QUICK JOKE II

QUICK JOKE III

MY COMPUTER: RIP

Yesterday I come home ready to work on this week's update, and what do I find? Not the obedient and dependable computer that I have known and loved, but rather a large and useless paperweight.

I'm not sure what's wrong with the thing, but I suspect that the hard drive has gone bad because not even a systems restore will fix it.

You can donate to the fix the computer fund or buy T-Shirts at the crap shoppe or do something as small as clicking on the google ads around the site.

In the meantime, I've created a backup of the site on my work computer, but we all know good and damn well that I can't keep it there. Give a little, won't ya?

Loonatics

Take a look and see for yourselves!

Click here for the exclusive preview episode!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Are you hip to the hidden stuff in your DVDs, in television shows, or in albums? Well, the folks at The Easter Egg Archive are and they're dishing the dirt!

These and many more hidden easter eggs are uncovered at this website! Check it out!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Justice Squad's mega-arch continues with Elseworlds: Same World? An episode that is out of control! People die, crap happens! It's insane!

At Fun with Photoshop we've taken on Vin Diesel yet again with The Pacifier! This contest had about a hundred entries and was brilliant as well as hilarious!

And, finally, we've got brand new reviews of Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Sideways, and Cursed over at the Movie Review Page so check them bad boys out too.

And stay tuned! We've got BIG NEWS coming up in the weeks ahead!

Until next week, this is your friendly neighborhood webmaster saying, bye!

Friday, March 18th, 2005

TELEMARKETER REPELLANT

It's old, but I love this list of ways to annoy telemarketers.

10. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

9. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

7. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

6. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

5. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

4. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

3. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

2. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

1. When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up."

I HATE OLD PEOPLE

All right, I don't hate all old people... but before this last weekend, I didn't hate old people at all. That was before I had to edit commercials for over thirteen hours with an 88 year old bastard.

I'm not going to say his name on the off chance that the dusty old fuck actually knows what the internet is, but let's just say that he was a minor-league theater guy back in the 30's and 40's who actually starred in Oklahoma! before it was called Oklahoma. Now, he's all but forgotten but he won't have the decency to just die like nature intended. No, he's got to make these two minute long (yes, two fucking minutes) commercials of him lip-syncing to songs he recorded back in the 60's.

Let me just sit this up for you. You have this 88-year-old fossil strumming on a guitar. He wears tape on the back of his head to pull his wrinkles up and if the thought of that isn't terrifying enough for you, you should hear his shitty country music.

What's worse, this guy isn't grateful that we're helping him try and sell his ear-splitting screeching on our television station at all. As a matter of fact, rather than being thankful for our time and the very reduced rate we do his production at, this guy is mean, belligerent, and hateful to everyone he talks to.

The real kicker is that he sounds old too. He's pissed off that I have a woman boss because he doesn't think that women should have jobs, except in the kitchen. He would only refer to my boss as, "that bitch upstairs."

Thankfully, he has no problem with minorities. "I love n*ggers," he told me. "Everyone should own one or two."

At one point during our session, he got up and held his head as if he were dizzy and I honestly thought, "Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if he had a stroke right now?"

I threatened to thrown him out three times during our session and, finally, at 11:30 at night I made good on my threat. He told me a bunch of racist and sexist things while he was there and then winked and said, "don't you be tellin' anyone else I said this."

Of course, I happen to like my boss and co-workers a whole fucking hell lot more than I like him, so I told them everything he said word for word.

When I told my boss what this moldy old bastard has said, she blinked and replied. "Most people have to meet me first before they call me a bitch."

Well, this guy is gone now. We pretty much told him that he wasn't welcome back at our station and that he was going to have to find new production people because we weren't going anywhere near his wrinkly racist ass anymore.

And so, I guess this is a new experience for me... I've broken a world record, bid at an auction along side the likes of Martin Scorsese, and saw a blimp once, but I've never actually ended anyone's career before. This collection of bones, dust, and shit won't be able to get another production crew to work with him. The only thing that he - and the rest of the world - can look foreword to is his long-overdue death.

Of course, I don't feel the least damn bit guilty about it. You act like a bastard, you're going to get treated like a bastard.

The sad thing is, it's left me with a deep resentment of old people now. I need to have some kindly grandmother bake me a pie now so I can set my perceptions right again.

COMPUTER UPDATE

It's kind of a good news/bad news situation this week.

In case you missed it, my computer went to that hard drive in the sky last week. Fortunately, I've gotten a little wiser in my old age and backed up all my files. I bit the bullet and paid to have my Computer fixed, got the thing home...

...and my monitor was fried.

Not exactly fried, per se, but the picture is so dark you can barely make anything out on the screen.

So, my stuck now with a half-working, half-not PC. I've gotten a couple of donations, but I had to pay for most of the repairs myself and I don't have nearly enough to replace my monitor at this time.

Once again, I'm on my knees - begging, you perverts, for help from yous guys. If you would, give the google ads that you see around the site a click, or please just donate via the paypal buttons.

I've been giving you free entertainment for almost ten years, dammit, I think you owe me one!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Oh boy... I don't know what's more peculiar about this weeks' notable link... the fact that someone did it as an honest-to-God science experiment, or the fact that person was from Harvard!

Check out SQUIRREL FISHING!

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Elseworlds continues over at Justice Squad as we take on the myth of The Donner Party with a tasty new episode!

Robots was the latest target at Fun with Photoshop, so come on over and check out the blasphemous carnage!

And, finally, The Pacifier, Hostage, The Jacket, and Be Cool have all been skewered at the Movie Review Page.

And stay tuned! I know I keep saying it, but I mean it! We've got BIG NEWS coming up in the weeks ahead!

Peace and long life, bitches!

Friday, March 25th, 2005

QUICK JOKE

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

QUICK JOKE II

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

QUICK JOKE III

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

GOOD GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU!

Unlike the rest of the civilized world, I was forced to come into work today. Just to show them, though, I'm not working hard. In fact, I'm blogging and updating the website from work. Ha, ha! Fuck you laboristic communist bastards!

THANKS!

A BIG thank you goes out this week to Brian Dubick for donating funds to keep slightlywarped.com going and to help pay for repairs to my computer... or at least for helping me buy porno magazines and illegal drugs for all he knows.

In any case, slightlywarped.com salutes thee!

STARVING A VEGETABLE TO DEATH

I am going to write up a living will. For one thing, I don't want anyone pulling the plug on me prematurely... it's not like I don't trust my family on this, but sometimes they can be a little impatient.

Secondly, I don't want political bloodsuckers turning me into a fucking platform for how much they love life while they continue to send servicemen to their deaths in a war built on lies.

You know, I'm really not up on the Terry Schiavo case enough to really offer that much of an intelligent viewpoint on it, but damn... taking out a feeding tube and letting her starve to death? I thought that as a doctor, you weren't supposed to do any harm! Letting a body basically consume itself is cruel, it's horrible, and no one except for Terry Schiavo knows if she's feeling any pain.

Kind of ironic that Schiavo had her heart attack because of an eating disorder, huh? Hell, she might be having the time of her life right now. Who's to say?

Just so no one fucks up my wishes, here is my living will in case I go brain dead or I'm in a coma or whatever.

Keep my ass alive. I don't care about this macho bullshit about pulling the plug if I'm in a coma. You plug every fucking machine into me to keep me alive and if you see a hole in my body that doesn't have a machine hooked up to it, put one in and make sure it looks expensive.

If any politician sticks his nose into the situation, I will have a pre-coma tapped message from myself that I demand run on all of the news magazines denouncing the bastard and telling everyone that my dying wish is that said politician be voted out of office and publicly executed.

Don't make me look like a retard! I'm so tired of seeing thatr pitiful footage of Schiavo on the news. For God's sake, save me a little dignity as I lie on the bed with all kinds of machines stuck up my ass.

You know, it's not a bad idea for any one of you to make a living will. If there's anything I've learned about life, it's that life can really kick you in the nuts when you least expect it. You never know when you'll be same position as Terry Schiavo and, God forbid, if you ever are you should have control of your own life and not be used like poor Schiavo is by every politician who sees personal gain in exploiting you.

Remember who these people are in November and thank them for their hypocrisy.

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Since April Fool's Day is next week, why not take a look at teh 100 Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time!

Read about the Great Spaghetti Harvest and how one guy sent Alaska into a panic. You remember when Ben Ben went digital or when life was discovered on Jupiter?

Some of them are bold, some of them are silly, but all of them are funny. Check it out today... maybe YOU'LL get an idea.

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Elseworlds continues over at Justice Squad as we visit the most unusual alternate world yet!

At Fun with Photoshop, check out our largest contest yet as the folks over at Rotten Tomatoes took on the art of movie posters!

There aren't any new reviews at this time on the Movie Review Page, but that's not because I haven't seen anything. Expect reviews of Robots, The Ring Two, and Blue Collar Comedy Tour 2 when I decide to stop being a lazy bastard.

And stay tuned! I know I keep saying it, but I mean it! We've got BIG NEWS coming up in the weeks ahead! I mean it! I really do!

Me out!