Friday May 6, 2005

QUICK JOKE

What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

A: He gets taller.

QUICK JOKE II

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

QUICK JOKE III

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

BLUNT HEAD TRAUMA II: DUCK, ASSHOLE, DUCK!

I got several nice e-mails over the week from people wishing me well after my injury.  Thanks to all of you.  Now, for those of you who were waiting to find out what the extent of the injury was... Well, let's just say that my ass isn't the only thing with a crack in it right now.  Yep, right above the left eye socket where the ball hit me.

The good news is, the crack is small and it will be healed in about a month.  Until then, if I avoid any other blows to the head and pop an Excedrin every now and then, I will be perfectly fine.  Until then, I'm still going to have to deal with the headaches, the memory lapses, and the dizziness.

At least that f-f-f-f-fucking stuttering has cleared up.  That was about to drive me up the wall.

AMERICAN IDOL LOOSES 300 LBS OF UGLY FAT

So long, Scott Savol, you untalented twat!  I don't know what deal with the devil you signed to stay on the show so long, but you're gone, finito, and persona non grata.  Soon, you'll be as famous as... uh... everyone else who was kicked off and your tuneless crooning will echo in Vegas lounges and elevators everywhere.

Don't let the door hit you in your fat ass on the way out, tubby!

Go Bo!

KILL EVERYONE?

If you haven't check out the website for Destroy All Humans yet, then you need to do it!  Now!  it's a new game for those of us who enjoy torturing pixilated people.  In it, you play aliens taking over the world and terrorizing people in the 1950's with your advanced and sadistic alien weaponry!  Check this game out now!

NOTABLE LINK OF THE WEEK

Ever wanted to know exactly how a nuclear bomb works?  If you said no, you're a fuckin' liar so go visit How Nuclear Bombs Work over at howstuffworks.com and clear up the mystery once and for all.

Uh... if you're a terrorist, please don't tell them I sent you.

AND NOW, THE UPDATES...

Justice Squad is nearing the end of the season a lot like a skydiver with a faulty chute nears the ground... screaming, thrashing, and praying!  In this final guest script of the year, "One Way Ticket," we finally find out what happened to Drew Fangtastic since he was captured by Legion and DuVampyre!  Prepare for a dynamite ending!

At Fun with Photoshop this week... Don't Panic!  We've screwed up The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with pictures ranging from the funny to the perverted!  Check them out!

At Donner's Movie Reviews, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Interpreter, and Kung Fu Hustle have fallen prey to our unblinking eye.  Do you agree or disagree?  To tell you the truth, we don't care.

So, that's all you get this week and I don't want to hear you whining for more.  Be sure to come back on Wednesday as we're lining up what is sure to be a kickass photoshop competition or, better yet, visit the General Discussion forum at rottentomatoes.com and join in on the fun yourself!

Me out, losers.

Saturday May 14, 2005

QUICK JOKE

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

QUICK JOKE II

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

QUICK JOKE III

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME!

Well, screw all of you people. I’m going on vacation. That’s right, my lovely wife and I have finally decided to take off and go on our honeymoon that we should have gone on over a year and a half ago.

We’re booked on Carnival's Ecstasy… you remember? The flaming ship of death? Provided we both don’t die in a horrible fire, we’re cruising down to Cozumel and Calica Mexico.

So, long story short… no updates next week! However, the week after I’m going to be bragging about ho great my trip was or at least how shitty it turned out.

THE AMAZING RACE

When it came down to the finale of The Amazing Race, I couldn’t have been more happy that Uchenna and Joyce won. Granted, I really didn’t have a problem with Rob and Amber other than the fact that they were cocky and have already had their moment (too many moments) in the spotlight… but Uchenna and Joyce were the ultimate example of the nice people finishing first. I loved these guys!

Now, had the vile Ron and Kelly won (or, as I call them, Miss America and Captain Personality) I would have thrown my TV out the window.

Great race. My only gripe is that they actually didn’t go around the world. Also, I have the feeling that next summer’s edition of “Family” Amazing Race will suck balls especially if there’s a lot of kids on it.

Oy! Why mess with a successful formula?

FORUM FUN

For all of those who are wondering just what in the holy blue heck is happening with the Forum Fun section, one of my image servers apparently decided to go tits up on me and dumped a large section of my images into nothingness.

The good news is, I’ve still got the images saved… the bad news is, it’s going to take me a long time to put them back up and time isn’t a thing I have a whole hell of a lot of at the current moment.

Don’t fret, however… Forum Fun will be returned to its former glory soon. Just be patient and have fun with the newer images that still work.

THE UPDATES

Making this quick, because I gots lots to do.

First of all, the third season of Justice Squad is officially finished with the debut of the two-part season finale. “Plan A” and “Never Enough” is being raved about at the forums, so why do you check these episodes out and the shocking developments therein!

This week at Fun with Photoshop, we’ve got our biggest photoshop contest ever on display! Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith! One hundred and fifty six pictures that blaspheme the good name of Star Wars! Enjoy!

Over at Donner’s Movie Reviews, we live for this bashing of the xXx sequel shit! That’s right, we have seen xXx: State of the Union and A Lot Like Love and we’re not happy about it..

And that’s it! Bon Voyage… see you losers in a couple of weeks. I’ll have new games for the arcade by then and more!

Vote for Bo Bice in American Idol or I will gut your cats.

Bye now.

Tuesday May 31, 2005

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

QUICK JOKE

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''

The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

QUICK JOKE III

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." 

BACK FROM VACATION

Mexico's actually pretty nice once you get past all the scummy little border towns.  Cozumel and Calica are both beautiful places, but I'll be raped by a pack of wild turkeys before I ever take another cruise on Carnival again.  Piece of shit boat, piece of shit staff, and food I couldn't even choke down.

And, yeah... I've been lazy.  I should have updated on Friday, but I didn't and I kept putting it off.  So, how about this... I'm not updating the site on Fridays anymore.  From now on, all new stuff is going up on Mondays.

A QUICK STUDY OF DICKITRY

You know, it's a sad sad fact that if you publish anything to the internet, someone is going to come along and anonymously bash you in all sorts of witty and clever ways.

Personally, I can't tell you how many times that someone has gone to my guestbook and, as an entry, wrote "You are a fucking faggot" as if it's going to hurt my feelings and crush me as a human being.

Of course, all of these cheese-eating dick monkeys never leave a return address or a real name as if they're afraid I'm going to hop a plane like Jay and Silent Bob and come to their houses and punch their faces in.  Granted, it's tempting, but I've been warned about punching eleven year olds before and I doubt that the courts would be as lenient on me a second time.

Anywho, what brought on this peach of a blog entry was a review I got off of fictionpress.com where I used to archive some of my work.  I've gotten more and more dissatisfied with the way that things are run over there (for example, their new resistance to scripts) so, as my last entry to Justice Squad I urged my fans to come to this site and read the rest of the serial since I wasn't going to archive it there anymore.

Well, apparently, I ruffled a few feathers with one guy who, in the course of a couple of minutes, left scathing reviews of several of my stories.  Of course, the little titty-suckling coward left his email adress as don'tmailme@verizon.net so, of course, I couldn't respond.

But then I think, Hey... I've got a website.  I can respond right here!

So, here it is children... a scathing review from a non-fan.  Enjoy!

I'm sorry to say it but this story sucks big time. I find it very sad that you have 4-hundred-thousand words and like 14 chapters and NO ONE has reviewed, but it is obvious why no one likes the story. And the reason why the site doesn't allow "scripts" is because no one wants to read them. Now, I think you could have a hell of a story if only you transposed this into story format, with descriptions and thoughts and all of that good stuff. I'm sorry that I flamed your story, but it needs to be said (read below):

"This. Story. Is. Crap."

Oh, and don't you realize that NO ONE is going to your new site to finish reading the rest of it? No one likes you! Get a life. But, once again, if you trasposed this into story format (and made the chapters a bit shorter), you'd have a really, REALLY good story.

But until then, you are a terrible writer, and it is a damn shame that you wasted your time writing this. Hopefully, you will make this story a REAL "story" by adding thoughts and descriptions. Goodbye.

Well, first of all Tiny Tim, you're not at all sorry that you flamed my story because you copied this review and pasted it on three other stories!

People have read and reviewed these scripts.  You're the first pencil dick who's had anything negative to say about it.  This site isn't new... it's been here for nine years.  That's one year for every year you've been alive.  Wait, if I 'transposed' Justice Squad to a story format, I'd have a REALLY good story, yet I'm a terrible writer?

Well, little girl, you've certainly made some really stupid and self-contradictory points in your review.  In fact, plum, I invite you to come here and discuss it more.  Come now, let's be friends.

Please try to understand, this kind of shit doesn't hurt my feelings!  It doesn't make me re-evaluate myself as a writer, webmaster, or a human being.

In fact, it takes me less time to erase crap than it does for you to write them.  If you've going to flame me, at least be more creative than, "You are a faggot."  I mean, for Zues' sake, I seem more creative stuff on a bathroom wall when I'm taking a dump.

THE UPDATES

This week at Fun with Photoshop, it's Madagascar!  Join us as we take something cute and innocent and completely crap all over it.

Over at Donner’s Movie Reviews, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, The Longest Yard, House of Wax, and Unleashed have been reviewed!

That's all I got for this week.  Catch us back here again next Monday.

Peace!