Friday, September 24th, 2004
The End of slightlywarped.com as you know it.
So what's with this weird update today? Why does it look different? What the confounded potatoes is going on here?
Well, this is the final update on the old format. Next week, we're debuting a brand new format that will, no doubt, piss a lot of you off... but hopefully a good portion of you will like it.
The new layout will change with every month - so it's no surprise that we're kicking it all off with a big kickass Halloween theme.
Also... starting today... the blog is getting archived! Pulitzer, here I come!
So, come on back next week and be sure to let us know what you think!
The Amazing Race and Big Brother
The Amazing Race and Big Brother are over and the winners have been crowned.
It wasn't any big surprise that Drew was going to win Big Brother given that he is a sniveling little wiener with no balls and he was up against some very... very... very... stupid people. Hey, though, you can't hate a guy for playing a game and he played it well. He took along Cowboy as his puppet and Cowboy is, let's face it, dumb as a box of hammers.
Still, compared to last season when the festering blight that his reality TV got me hooked on this show, it's been a disappointment. The wannabe villains like Jase and Scott getting pummeled because of their own stupidity gave way to the twins who could have really been evil, Natalie and Adria, but even they couldn't keep their mouths shut and stay off the power trips and it was their undoing.
Marvin is a blow-hard and a cry-baby. I know I'm not privy to everything that happened in the house, but if I heard him complain one more time about someone being racist, I thought I was going to scream. Marvin, the houseguests didn't hate you because you are black... they hated you because you're an overbearing and annoying blowhard.
Not a great surprise how the season turned out... but hey, the smartest guy won and that is the name of the game.
The Amazing Race, though, is the greatest reality TV show ever. It's better than most written television series. Drama, suspense, and a great cast of characters from the inspirational Charla to the downright despicable Colin.
Secretly, I was hoping that the Bowling Moms would have waltzed away with first place, but I'm happy that Chip and Kim got it. These two were fun to watch... always wide eyed and happy to be wherever they ended up. It was a stark and welcome contrast to the spoiled and narcissistic Brandon and Nichol or Colin and Christie who just strike me as generally unpleasant people. Christie should seriously think about whether she really wants to stay with Colin when she watches this series at home.
Anyway, those two are out of the way... it's time to get into Survivor: Vanuatu but based on the scummy people it looks like they've chosen for this round, that might be hard to do.
And now to the updates!
First of all, yes kids, there is a brand new installment of Justice Squad ready for your hungry eyes. Cory Bowen, a long-time fan favorite guest writer has offered up his first script of the season with "Black Cat Down" which features either an army of mutant space kitties or just a massive drug-induced hallucination. Find out which by going to Justice Squad now!
If you're a fan of Fun with Photoshop, we've got not one, but two... count them... two new galleries filled with Star Wars images and hilarity! If you liked the Force Ghost pictures, you're going to love this!
Finally, if you've got movies on the mind, I command you to visit Donner's Movie Reviews where we've done drive-bys to The Punisher, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and the brand new movie, Shaun of the Dead!
And that's it, you digesting little cretins. If you know what's good for you, come back next week and bear witness to the brand new layout and the debut of slightlywarped.com's Halloween Edition! Don't forget, new content is added to the site every week, not just the weekends so if you want it quick and you want it first... visit often!
Friday, October 1, 2004
It's Halloween Month!
Oh yes, kiddies. Welcome to the first update with our brand new format. From now on, the design your seeing right now will pretty much be what the main page will look like. It loads faster, it's less cluttered, and there's more to see at a glance. This is basically how the site will look until my fickle self gets tired of it and changes it to something else. Deal with it.
The Part Where I Beg for Money
Over the last couple of months, slightlywarped.com's popularity has skyrocketed and, thusly, so has my bandwidth. Although it's not a huge issue right now, I am getting bandwidth warnings at the end of every month and I know that I am about to have to upgrade my stuff.
Now, being that I'm trying to put my wife through college and working a job for a little over a grand a month now, that just ain't gonna happen. So, I ask all of the visitors to this site to please purchase some of the amazon.com items you see displayed on around this website. Even better, you could always buy a website package from nomonthlyfees.com - the internet service I use - by clicking the button below.
All of the revenue I get from this site is dedicated to keeping it going and making it better. So, brother, can you spare a dime?
Hell, if you want... just make a donation! I'd love that crap!
Master Debaters
So, who watched the debates? I know I may be a little biased, but Kerry owned this one. To his credit, Bush started out strong but began to crumble as the night pressed on. He looked smug and annoyed at times, making Kerry look like the more accessible and professional one while Bush just looked arrogant and stumbled over his own words.
Kerry, on the other hand, disappointed me because he had several openings to really nail Bush and didn't take it. He just played things safe like a typical politician when he should have just laid everything on the line.
Still, Kerry gets my vote. The most important thing, whether you are voting on Kerry or Bush is to vote, dammit! The election numbers in this country are shameful. Think it's too much trouble to get registered? Think again? Getting registered is as easy as going to MTV's Choose or Loose site.
There's no excuse, America. If you want to change the world, this is the best chance you'll get.
And now... the updates
Today a brand new episode hits the Justice Squad site. "Lucidity" answers some lingering questions from the beginning of the season and finally reveals what happened to the original Justice Squad! Not to mention that there is a killer surprise in it as well. Go check it out.
For you brave forum warriors, there are a ton of new pictures ready for you at Forum Fun that have been sent in by the Forum Fun fans. You get to own people and I get free advertising... we both win!
If you're a fan of Fun with Photoshop, there is a meager update this week with a couple of mutilated pictures from Shark Tale and the Indiana Jones movies.
For you movie buffs, there is a brand new review of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and, as a special added bonus, the return of Retro Reviews with a look at the forbidden fruit of the Disney tree, Song of the South. Go look at them on the Movie Review Page.
Friday, October 8, 2004
Quick Joke
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney
walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take
their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a
quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights
and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
Vice Master Debaters
So, I watch the vice presidential debate, right? I'm hoping that Dick Cheney will come off as a grumpy old man and that John Edwards would walk all over him. Well, that didn't quite happen. Although I give a slight edge in the debate to Edwards, both candidates held their own rather well. Cheney is obviously a very intelligent man - let's face it, he's probably the one running the country most of the time anyway - and fended off a lot of Edward's attacks.
He fumbled the ball when it came to Halliburton, but mostly... Yeah, he did a good job. You have to realize that I absolutely hate Cheney... even moreso than Bush so it takes a lot for me to say that.
A little harmless plug
Hey, if you're in the San Angelo, Texas area and want to see me almost completely buck-ass naked on stage, come see Looking Glass Production's production of The Bible: The Complete Word of God (Abridged) at Jabberwockey's. This is probably one of the most fun show's I've ever been in.
Now, give me money!
Now, if you will allow me to panhandle just a little bit... the time is drawing nigh when we're going to have to do a serious upgrade to slightlywarped.com that is, unfortunately going to cost a lot of cold, hard cash! So please, for the love of God, help a brother out and buy some stuff from the amazon.com menus that litter this website! If you don't want to buy, make a donation! All money goes to the worthy cause of keeping this site running!
The Updates!
If you're skipping the crap above, you can stop scrolling now you jackass.
We've got a brand new episode of Justice Squad that should half-way satisfy everyone who wrote in bitching about the cliffhanger. "Bad Children" starts to bring the ten-episode arch to a close so go and check it out now!
There's a new gallery in Fun with Photoshop that blasphemes the great work of art that is 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Finally, for those of you who love The Arcade, there are two new games added especially for the 2004 Presidential Election! If you love George W. Bush, you must play George Bush Shoot-Out where you take the role of the president blasting his way out of the White House in the middle of a terrorist attack. If you are intelligent and hate the president, try the inflammatory game, Cokehead.
And that's all she wrote for this week! Stay cool and keep it real. I'll catch you cats on the flip-flop.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Not-So-Quick Joke
There once was a lady who was tired of
living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her
requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2)
wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day,
she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no
arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from
you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?" One day, a priest decides to take a walk
to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch
a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if
he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The
fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it
in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's
what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house
of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is
called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and
we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother
Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight
with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a
sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook
it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch
tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish
is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes
off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you
fuckers are all right."
IF YOU JUST LAUGHED, YOU ARE OBLIGED TO DONATE TO THIS SITE!!!!
The Updates
If you're linked to www.slightlywarped.com/indexhalloween2004.htm, please change your links to http://www.slightlywarped.com so that they will work correctly after October is over.
There's a brand new episode of Justice Squad up right now where the arch that has been going for eleven episodes is finally wrapped up. The original Justice Squad is back, but if you think everything is going to be just like it was before, think again! Two members are leaving and one of the replacements is staying on! Who stays and who goes? Find out now!
Over at Photoshop Fun, there's new pictures poking fun at Team America: World Police and Doctor Strangelove. If you think you're good at photoshop, send in your submissions!
Finally, there are two new reviews on the Movie Review Page of Ladder 49 and Super Size Me. Check 'em out!
Friday, October 22, 2004
Quick Joke
There once was a lady who was tired of
living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her
requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2)
wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day,
she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no
arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from
you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Halloween Funtime Links!
Ghoststudy
Check out a website of genuine ghost enthusiasts. See alleged
pictures of ghosts and ghost recordings. Read ghost stories and
ghost encounters. Spooky stuff!
Doombuggies.com
A great fan tribute to the most famous haunted house in the world, The
Haunted Mansion.
Monster Page of
Halloween Projects
Some nifty and inexpensive Halloween decorating ideas!
A Letter to the Editor
Today, I did something I'd never done before. After reading a disgusting number of - quiet frankly - ignorant letters in our local newspaper supporting Bush because he was "trustworthy," I fired off a letter to the editor. Here it is because I really have my doubts they're going to publish it in its entirety.
On November 2nd, this nation will face one
of the most important decisions in history. It’s a decision that we
cannot afford to make on party lines… it is a decision that cannot be
made simply because one feels afraid of change or because Bill O’Reilly
or Rush Limbaugh tells you what and how to think. This is a decision
that must be made after asking yourself this crucial question: Is
America better off now than it was four years ago?
The answer is an obvious no.
Under George W. Bush, we have watched the nation’s largest surplus turn
into the nation’s greatest deficit because our president reinstated the
pitifully failed policies of his father that President Clinton did away
with. Under the watch of our president – whose staff received warnings
in August and early September of 2001 about Osama Bin Ladin’s followers
hijacking commercial airplanes and using them as bombs – we faced the
most tragic and disastrous security failure in our country’s history –
something that, despite the president’s excuses, could have been
prevented. During the last four years, we have seen a president more
concerned with private business interests than the welfare of the very
people who put him in office. George W. Bush has tried to rewrite the
constitution – our most sacred and important document – to meet his own
narrow moral goals. We have seen this administration’s willingness to
violate our civil rights and our privacy to protect us all the terrorist
boogeyman all while telling us that we shouldn’t be afraid of him yet
giving us a color coded alert system of nonsense to tell us exactly how
much we should be afraid.
Benjamin Franklin himself once said, “They that can give up essential
liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor
safety.”
George W. Bush accuses John Kerry of being the king of flip-flops, but
what of our president’s own flip-flops? George W. Bush vowed never to
touch the Social Security Surplus in 2001, yet now he has greedily dived
into that surplus to divert $1.4 trillion from this essential and
already shaky necessity to fund “other projects.” If Bush is allowed to
stay in office, Social Security will be a thing of the past. Our
president was quoted in The Nation in 2000 that he supports a woman’s
right to choose, yet now he is mysteriously and firmly anti-abortion. In
2003, our president told a trustful nation that Weapons of Mass
Destruction had been found in Iraq. Now, he is admitting that was not
true. Osama Bin Ladin has gone from someone our president wanted ‘dead
or alive’ to someone Bush himself said in a press conference that he
doesn’t spend that much time thinking about. While oil prices rise all
over the world, Bush promised to force OPEC to lower prices. Now he says
he refuses to lobby the organization to change its mind. George W. Bush
has gone from opposing a 9/11 Commission to supporting a 9/11 Commission
to illegally withholding evidence from the 9/11 Commission. We’ve gone
from a proud leader saying that we will win the war on terrorism, to a
meek commander trying to rationalize his own shortcomings saying that
the war on terrorism will never be won.
The death toll on both sides of Bush’s Iraq war are still growing, yet
we still hear nothing but excuses, half-truths, and lies from this
administration about our motives for going to war. We were told by our
president that Saddam Hussein had al qaeda ties, yet in September of
2003, Bush admitted Hussein had no ties. Our troops overseas and the
families of those who did not come home deserve better than Bush’s
political deception.
The United States of America, a country I love without question despite
the fact that many in the Bush administration would call one such as I
“unpatriotic,” has seen four years of repeated failures. As a president,
George W. Bush has suppressed medical advances that will save lives and
that he admits he doesn’t understand in the first place. He has betrayed
our faith in him as a leader, he has turned a world that stood with us
into a world that stands against us, and his administration has insured
itself a place in history along side that of Richard Nixon’s. As the
bumper sticker wisely says, if you aren’t outraged, you aren’t paying
attention!
When you go to the polls on November 2nd, do not cast your vote because
your parents have been Republican all their lives or you voted for
George W. Bush in the last election as I did. Ask yourself the
all-important question. Is the nation we fought and died for… the nation
we are fighting and are dying for… better off now than it was four years
ago. Deep down, you know the answer is no and you know that George W.
Bush does not deserve your vote or another term in office.
The Updates
There's a brand new episode of Justice Squad called "Adventures in Ultrababysitting" by regular guest-writer Jesse Glaspey. Cosmic Weasel and Luna offer to babysit Ultrababy for the exhausted Ultrawoman, but when a price is put on the toddler's head by some unknown entity, bounty hunters come out of the woodwork to kidnap the little tyke. Can they protect her long enough to find out who wants to steal her? Check out the new episode now!
For you movie lovers out there, there's new looks at Team America: World Police, Mean Girls, and The Ladykillers at Donner's Movie Reviews.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty!
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
LOLA
IS BACK, BABY!
If you've been holding your breath for the newest Legion of Lame-Asses adventure, the wait is over! That's right, kiddies, The Legion of Lame-Asses V: I, LOLA is now on-line and ready for your greedy eyes to lap it up! Check it out now at LOLA Headquarters!
Happy Halloween Weekend!
Oh yes! It's my favorite time of the year! Halloween! Here are some more Halloween fun links for you!
Haunted Houses and Attractions
A guide to fun haunted houses all over the US!
Haunted Errors and
Lies
It's the page that Fundamentalist Christians don't want to you see!
Check out all the lies and errors that have been spread about Halloween
by the Bible thumpers.
Halloween Ghost Stories
Stories to chill you to your bones on Halloween night. Are they
true or are they just bullshit?
Finally, here are some pictures from last year's Halloween Haunt I did out in my front yard. Come back next week, and I'll have pictures from this year!
Don't forget to vote!
And by vote I mean, vote for Kerry. In case you still aren't convinced just how badly George W. Bush has screwed this country and the people that elected him, check out this clever game that not only entertains, but also educates!
The Updates!
We've got a brand new episode of Justice Squad called "Chasing Shadows" that not only finds the Justice Squad moving into a new home, but also introduces a brand new complication that will be giving our heroes headaches in the future! The Justice Squad universe is turned on its ear, so check out the new episode today!
At Donner's Movie Reviews, I've got new looks at The Forgotten, Friday Night Lights, Mr. 3000, and the Halloween horror fest, Saw.
Finally, two new galleries have been added to Fun with Photoshop for The Incredibles and a special (and short) Halloween Bash.
And that's it! Happy Halloween, don't forget to vote for Kerry, and I'll see you kiddos next week!