-
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
-
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
-
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.
-
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
-
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
-
A day without sunshine is like, night.
-
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
-
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
-
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
-
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
-
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
-
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
-
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.
-
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
-
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
-
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
-
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great
trade!
-
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
-
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.
-
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my
hand...
-
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
-
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
-
When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
-
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
now.
-
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up.
-
Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't
have film.
-
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
-
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.
-
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept
falling out.
-
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
-
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-
Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what the hell happened.
-
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built
the Titanic
-- Many of these quotes are by Steven Wright
