Donner's Totally Bogus and Funky adventure, Part 1.

Written, if you can call it that, by Alex Voutsis.

DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for Sliders, Doctor Who, Michael York, or
anyone else I rip off during this parody. I'm not going to steal them, they
belong to someone else. I've just borrowed them for a while. Yada yada yada and all that.

By the way, the start is pretty crap, the rest is okay. So don't be disillusioned by the slow beginning.

In the beginning, there was nothing.

And then, there was the voice.

And it said 'CAN'T YOU GET IT STARTED, YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!?!'

But that is a story for another time. Right now, Donner and Jason are walking down a street.

Jason: I'm telling you that jacket was a mistake.
Donner: It's not that bad. I just don't like the glove.
Jason: Hmmph. Well, you wanted to be as scary as you could be.
Donner: You get more candy this way. But the bandages might block off my air supply.
Jason: Here. This house has got a Jack O Lantern.

They knock on the door of the house. It opens.

Donner and Jason: Trick or Treat!
Doorguy: Oh my God! It's Michael Jackson! Shelly, get the gun!
Donner: Not again...(sound of gun cocking, accompanied by a foot of shotgun steel projecting into Donner's face) Ah. This isn't what it looks like.
Doorguy: Shut up you Golden Record freak! I've got children to protect!
Jason: Run. Run like hell.

They run, and by some small miracle of being major characters, both survive the hail of buckshot. After a few blocks, they stop for breath.

Donner: Okay! Enough is enough! The first time was just luck, you said. Second, a freak chance, you said. But after the last four...(shakes head) I've had enough. I'm dropping the Jackson outfit.
Jason: Aww, come on. That one guy who did give us candy got us pixie sticks!
Donner: Yeah. Then he shot at us.

Meanwhile, down the street, a blue vortex flashes white as a 'handsome' young man jumps through, screaming something.

Quinn: SLIDE WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!
Donner: Whoa.
Jason: Yeah, that was a lot of e's. The a's were impressive too, but don't really belong there. You know, that reminds me of this one time-
Donner: No, you token writer appearance, the vortex into another dimension with Quinn Malaria jumping through it.
Jason: Mallary.
Donner: Yeah. Looks like another parody in the making. Wanna go?
Jason: I'd just like to point out to the readers that only one of us is going to go on this parody - two of us would simply rock too hard.
Donner: Yeah. And this whole conversation is just to cover a big gap in continuity. Meanwhile, I'm going to jump through this portal into another dimension, where it's the same year, and you're the same person...but everything else is different. And you can't find your way ho -

Jason pushes him in. Editor's note: For some reason, the portal did not close immediately after Quinn hopped through as per usual. This is due to Quinn's hormone induced idiocy, which may or may not become apparent later in the parody. Meanwhile, Donner flies through the portal at high speeds. He pops out the other end awkwardly, but something soft breaks his fall.

Arturo: GET OFF ME YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!
Donner: YES! THANK YOU GOD!
Quinn: Donner, what are you on about?
Wade: What are you on?
Rembrandt: Can I have some?
Donner: It's the good episodes! No Maggie! Minimal Fox crap! Sabrina Lloyd! Wait a second, how did you know my name?
Wade: We met you during that X-Files parody. The Final Frontier, I think.
Donner: Oh, and you remembered my name. Why Miss Wells, I'm touched.
Quinn: Actually, It was me who remembered your name, because I'm a lead character, while Remmy here gets zip lines because he's only a token black character on a show screwed by Fox. I think it sucks.
Donner: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!
Arturo: I don't remember you being so intelligent and discerning though.
Donner: That's because of the wormhole's electromagnetic fields altering my brainwave patterns on a neural level to copy that of other people sliding between dimensions.
Quinn: Really?
Donner: Nah.
Rembrandt: So, Q-ball, how long 'till we slide?
Quinn: Twelve days.
Arturo: Twelve days? How can any writer as half-brained as this one obviously is possibly fill twelve days of parody with non-stop humour?
Wade: Seems like we got ourselves a moron this time. I mean, we're at least a few pages into the story and we only had one fat joke about the professor!
Rembrandt: Ignoring fat jokes about the prof is like ignoring him in a crowded elevator! (looks up at the sky) Jeez, man, that was really lame! Can't you do any better than that?
Quinn: Well, it's time we split up the group so we can get into trouble separately, developing a multi-level storyline so convoluted most of the holes in the plot will be overlooked.
Arturo: A fine thought, my boy. I would begin by Mr Brown and Mr Mallary going to find work to cover our expenses, I will devote my valuable energies to acquiring our usual suite in the Chandler Hotel (thumbing the building conveniently across the street so he doesn't have to walk very far) while Mr Donner and Miss Wells go over to that newspaper stand to find out what plot developments we shall encounter.

They go their separate ways. Quinn and Remmy disappear into the crowds, the Professor waddles across the street, knocking pedestrians and automobiles alike out of his way -

Rembrandt: Better. Keep trying though.

- and Donner and Wade walk to the news stand, holding hands.

Jason: What the hell!?! Just what are you trying to pull!
Donner: What are you doing in this scene?!?
Jason: Oh yeah, sorry. (snaps his fingers and disappears in a puff of logic)

Okay. Donner is wringing his hands in apparent nervousness, and Wade is checking her fingernails. So they are actually holding hands, just not with each other.

Jason: Okay, fairly lame coverup, but okay...
Donner: OUT!

Puff.

Donner: So, Wade, since I'm the one-episode good guy right now, and you're the only girl on the team, so it looks like -
Wade: - like we have some rules of Fox Network lame occurrences to fulfil? Like falling in love, and the intimacy sort of stuff?
Donner: Right on baby. So let's cut the chit-chat and get down to the romance. Or whatever we can get away with on this timeslot.
Wade: Well, how about this: By the end of the episode, we will inexplicably be closer and more understanding, but we'll have to tearfully part company, and I'll give you a kiss on the cheek before we go.
Donner: (dreamily) Fine. (back to reality) No wait!
Jason: I'd like to point out that the writer has no idea of how Donner, my wacky alternate self, feels about Sabrina Lloyd. But for the purposes of this parody, he's a mindless drool machine when it comes to Wade Welles. In In fact, he lusts after her with the intensity a lemming has for a cliff.
Maggie: Get out of the scene! You're not here!
Donner: What the...GET OUT OF HERE YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!
Wade: No wait, I think it's a plot development!
Donner: Really?
Wade: Yeah. That joke's already been done twice, it's just not funny anymore. It has to mean something. Here. (picks a newspaper off a stand at random) "Silicone Bitch Monster Claims Another Victim."
Donner: It has to be her!

They chase Maggie down the street and into a side-alley.

Donner: Let's split up so you can get captured and tied up in a chair and I can rescue you or maybe leave you tied up and slowly remove your - I mean to cover more ground.
Wade: Split up? What are you thinking? You've seen the size of those implants! She could crush either one of us with ease! Only together can we possibly prevail!
Donner: (whining) But Wade, you could be tied up!
Wade: Ahh....Okay....I'll go this way, and you go that way.

Donner grins evilly to himself, walks five steps and gets thwacked on the head by Maggie, hiding in the shadows (don't ask me how she fit them in there with her - maybe she disguised them as dumpsters). Donner is dragged off to an abandoned warehouse and tied to a chair.

Donner: Damn women's lib. Damn gender reversal.

INTERLUDE

It's been acclaimed as the book of the decade, and now it can be yours! When it was first published it took the scientific world by storm. It shocked the critics, amazed readers, and encouraged an entire generation of people to go to weight-watchers! Yes, it's "BLISTERING IDIOTS!", the autobiography of Professor Maximillian Arturo!

Written by Professor Maximillian Arturo! Edited by Professor Maximillian Arturo! Produced by I THINK IT'S BLOODY OBVIOUS BY NOW YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!! Published by Corgi paperback.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel bar...

Quinn: I'm worried about the professor, Remmy.
Rembrandt: How so? (sips from a drink)
Quinn: We've only got 2 hours until we slide.
Rembrandt: What the hell are you talking about, Q-ball? What happened to
the twelve days we had?
Quinn: I was reading it upside-down. Sorry.

Rembrandt looks at him.

Quinn: In the meantime, I have to make my weekly romantic conquest.
Rembrandt: Don't look at me. I don't date geeky jerks.
Quinn: No, that girl over there. It's time. (pops his knuckles, his back,
toes, jaw, and a few places I shouldn't mention)
Rembrandt: Time for what?
Quinn: Time to use my patented Jerry O'Connell charm. (walks over to girl)
You wanna see a dead body?

Girl: Yeah! I heard Rigor Mortis can make you hard!

Quinn passes out.

Meanwhile, upstairs in the elite suite...

Manager: Mr Pavarotti, we are so proud to have to staying here at the
Chandler. We hope that your stay -
Arturo: I AM NOT PAVAROTTI YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!
Manager: - will be enjoyable and that you will return soon. Now, let me show
you the gourmet menu.
Arturo: I refuse to spend any more time in this ridiculous - Menu?
Manager: All on the hotel, of course, Mr Pavarotti.
Arturo: Well, in that case...Ima vera pleesa to be here. Ima Pavarotti. I
eata your fooda for free, huh?

Manager nods.

Arturo: Gimme!

On the wall hangs a painting. The eyes are acting very suspiciously. On the other side...

Kromagg1: (at the eyeholes) Yep...he's going for it.
Kromagg2: Lemme see.
Kromagg1: No.
Kromagg2: It's my turn, give me a look!
Kromagg1: No! It's mine!
Kromagg2: Why can't we get one of those special mirrors that all the other
peeping villains have?
Kromagg1: This is more stylish, more sophisticated, more - hey! Who let those cockroaches in here in the crawl space?!
Kromagg2: So our evil plan is unfolding as it should?
Kromagg1: Indeed it is. Soon, Pavarotti Will Be Ours!
Kromagg2: Uhh...Isn't he ours already? I mean he's in the hotel.
Kromagg1: You're right! Okay, that means that Soon, This World Will Be
Ours!
Kromagg2: But we've got the world already! After we obliterated Canada, we dictated an all-nations agreement that made the humans of this world our slaves! We just aren't home right now.
Kromagg1: Very well. Soon, The Ultimate Weapon Will Be Ours!
Kromagg2: Now you're talking.

In an abandoned warehouse, Donner is tied to a chair. A radio is playing
'Stuck in the Middle with You' while Maggie is dancing around him with a
knife.

Radio: And I don't know why I came here tonight...
Maggie: Okay, you arrogant, macho, helpless little man, I'm going to show
you what it's like to be me!
Donner: (raising his eyes to Maggie's face) I can't wait.
Maggie: Then I'm gonna cut off your ear.
Donner: Drat.

Maggie rolls up a TV, pops in a tape, and presses the play button. Slowly,
painfully, second by second and scene by scene, Donner is put through life
from Kari Wuhrer's perspective (and also her viewpoint, so he doesn't see
anything interesting - from a male point of view).

Voice: Okay Kari, that's good. Now take off your shirt.
Voice2: Great take everyone. Kari, take off your shirt.
Voice3: Fantastic! Just smashing! Kari, shirt.
Donner: Mwaaaaaaawaaaaaahaaa..
Maggie: Shut up and watch!
Donner: Okay.

This goes on. Donner soon learns that the word 'Kari' and 'Shirt' are often
said in the same sentence by a lot of directors of third-rate movies.
Meanwhile, back at the Chandler hotel...

Wade: Guys! Thank God I found you!
Quinn: Wade, what is it?
Wade: I've lost Donner!
Rembrandt: What, already?
Wade: We were chasing Maggie! On this world she's a bitchy, silicone-injected bitch queen murdering bitch!
Quinn: And?
Wade: And she's wanted by the boys in blue.
Quinn: And?
Wade: (punches him in the arm) To arrest, you moron!
Rembrandt: So, you were chasing Maggie and, let me guess, you split up?
Wade: Yeah, so?
Rembrandt: Why the hell did you do that girl?
Wade: I thought we might get an emmy-winning tied-up mental torture scene.
Quinn: Look at Babylon 5, Wade. Can you see them ever winning an emmy?
Wade: Well, no. But that's not important. We have to One, get the
professor, Two, contact the police, Three, arrange a search and find Donner,
Four, catch Maggie and put her in a cell more padded than she is, and Five,
slide out of here. And we've only got twelve days to do it in.
Rembrandt: Actually, we've only got an hour forty.
Wade: Skip steps two through four.
Quinn: What, and leave Donner? Okay.
Rembrandt: Let's get the professor.

Upstairs, in front of a long table laden with food, is Arturo, wolfing it
down without stopping to speak, chew, or breath. Shortly, his face goes beet red and he collapses behind the table. A few seconds later, the door opens.

Rembrandt: Hey professor! You in here?
Quinn: Nah, Remmy, he ain't in this one. Let's check the next room.
Wade: No wait!
Rembrandt: Yeah, I can hear something!

The all listen intently.

Arturo: Must......eat......more!

A hand painfully rises up to the table top and rummages around. Retrieving a
leg of ham, it retracts. We hear a contented munching.

Quinn, Rembrandt and Wade: PROFESSOR!
Arutro: No! (munch, swallow) Mine! Go awaya! (chomp) Mea Pavarotti!
Quinn: He's delirious!

In the secret room next door...

Kromagg1: No! They're taking Pavarotti!
Kromagg2: We need him for the ultimate weapon, right?
Kromagg1: Yes, my extra-only-in-the-parody-to-explain-the-plot-loudly-to.
Kromagg2: How is that?
Kromagg1: Well, you act generally dumb, stupid and uninformed, and I tell
you about all of our plans.
Kromagg2: No! How do we need the singing fat man?
Kromagg1: Oh. He's the power source of our latest race-killing weapon! The
super-powered-ultra-high-tech-needs-a-lot-of-hyphens Sonic Cannon!

In the warehouse again...

Voice3017: Kari, do the shirt thing again. But this time, with feeling!

Click whirr, the tape pops out. Donner blinks painfully.

Maggie: Well, what do you think?
Donner: What I think? Well...could you dance a bit more? It's the sweat,
you see. Your shirt isn't totally see-through yet.
Maggie: YOU BASTARD!

Maggie grabs Donner's left ear and twists him over, lifting the switchblade
up high above her head. Her face twists in an animal snarl and she swings...

Knife: Thock.
Maggie: Thock? Thock! THOCK!?!?!
Donner: You have to unfold it first.
Maggie: SHUT UP! AND DON'T CALL ME A BIMBO!
Donner: Bimbo? I didn't call you a -
Maggie: YOU BASTARD!

Maggie carefully unfolds the knife, then grabs Donner's left ear and twists
him over, lifting the switchblade up high above her head. Her face twists in an animal snarl and she swings...

Is there any way to stop Evil Maggie?
Will Donner look like Van Gogh?
Can Arturo eat any more?
Is Rembrandt going to do anything really interesting?
Can Babylon 5 ever get an emmy?
And what is the evil Kromagg Plot?

TO BE CONTINUED...

************************************************************************* ************

Donner's Totally Bogus and Funky Adventure. Part 2.

Written by Alex Voutsis, under duress.

Disclaimer: The people who I'm gonna make fun of belong to someone else. I fervently worship Fox and all other guys who own the shows, movies and people I'm going to make look stupid. Please don't sue. I haven't stolen your characters/ideas/really poor sense of realism, I've just borrowed it.

In an abandoned warehouse, Donner is tied to a chair. He is bathed in his own sweat - he just spent the last hour watching Kari Wurher topless scenes. Maggie is about to cut off his ear with a switchblade.

Donner: Ow! That hurts!
Maggie: Come on, damn you, cut! Cut! CUT!
Donner: Stop it!
Maggie stops, staring at the knife.
Maggie: I don't get it!
Donner looks over in the corner where a box lies open and it's contents spilled across the floor. The lid reads "Tiddlywinks Home Torture Set, Complete with Fake Blood, Rubber Knives and Candy Garrote Wire."
Maggie: AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Back at the hotel now.

Rembrandt: Come on professor, get up! We gotta move!
Wade: (listening at the door) I think someone's coming!
Quinn: Professor! If you get up, I'll get you a twinkie!
Rembrandt is thrown across the room by the suddenly standing professor. Before the Crying Man has slid down the wall to the floor the professor is speaking.
Arturo: Ahh, it's good to be back. The thought of those cream-filled goodies re-energised me.
Wade: Good God.
The door is slammed open and a dozen Kromagg guards, dressed in cool black leather armour and weilding high-tech rifles pour into the room.
Quinn: Kromaggs!
Kromagg Commander: (guest starring: Michael York) I see it's the human genius.
Quinn: You're damn right!
Commander: (shortened for the sake of convenience) Doctor, prepare him for surgery. We shall extract his brain and use it to further our plans for multi-dimensional domination!
Wade: Take him away, boys.
Quinn: No, I'm not the human genius! I'm a moron, I'm a moron! Stupido, stupido. Ook ook eek!
Commander: Eeeuagh. Okay. Doctor, prepare him for surgery. We shall extract his brain and use it for tennis practice!
Quinn: What?
Wade: Take him away, boys.
Arutro: I believe that we might have the responsibility of saving our companion, Miss Welles.
Wade: Yeah, but watchagonnado?
Arutro: A excellent point, put forth with style and distinction.
Commander: SILENCE! You are now our prisoners! You will remain here, under guard, until we can transport you to a prison planet where unspeakable things will happen to you.
Rembrandt: What kind of things?
Commander: (Conspiratorially) Unspeakable ones.
Rembrandt: Oh. What kind of unspeakable ones?
Commander: Ahh....bad ones. Really, really bad ones.
Rembrandt: Unspeakably bad ones?
Commander: Yeah!
Rembrandt: You don't know, do you?
Commander: (small voice) No sir.
Kromagg1: Um, sir?
Commander: (suddenly loud and English) YES SOLDIER? It had better be good, or else I'll remove your eyes, liver and sound card!
Kromagg1: Yeah...right....Don't we have to use Pavarotti with our ultimate weapon?
Arturo: I AM NOT PAVAROTTI YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!
Kromagg2: That's all he does. Shout, eat, and be the butt of every fat joke in the parody. Except for the ones about Roger Ebert.
Commander: Alright! You two, stay here and keep them prisoner. Send the rest of these perfectly able soldiers with nothing better to do back to their barracks, where they will not guard the prisoners, thus giving them a decent chance of escape!
Kromaggs: YES SIR!
Arturo: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOTS!

Back in the Warehouse again.

Maggie: Hah! I've got it! Tiddlywinks home torture set - adult version!
She tears it open and begins to rummage through it. Donner, meanwhile, hops over to the TV, and in an amazing display of agility, sets the TV on cable viewing and finds channel Showtime - all with his tongue. However, he leaves the TV on MUTE mode.
Maggie: Your time is up now, you writer bastard!
Maggie struts over to Donner, looming above him.
Maggie: Hey, where did you go? (steps back) Oh, there you are. (grabs his ear)
Donner: Not again. AAARRRRGGGGHHH!
Maggie: I haven't started yet!
Donner: I know, and it's been ages. It's so lame! AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!
Donner kicks out at the TV and hits and MUTE button. Suddenly we hear Kari Wurher's voice coming from the TV as 'Sex and the Other Man' begins to play.
Kari: I don't care. I'm staying with my husband which we kidnapped.
Man1: Oh baby! Come to papa!
Man2: But I thought you were running off with me! We just did a topless scene! And had sex!
Maggie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She jumps out a window. We hear the sound of something rubbery bounce on the concrete below, and then rapid steps away. Donner is left alone. Then we hear a strange wheezing groaning noise, and a big blue box the size and shape of a telephone booth appears. It has a flashy light on top. After a second, the door opens.
Donner: Hello? Is anyone there?
Romana: (Guest starring: Lalla Ward) Hello. Do you need help?
Donner: (looking at the ropes that bind him) Maybe.
Romana: Yes or no.
Donner: Yes.
She unties him.
Romana: I'm Romana.
Donner: I know, I read the script.
Romana: You too? Well, we won't have to explain much. Let's go to the Chandler hotel.
Donner: Wait - shouldn't we explain a bit for the sake of the audience?
Romana: Oh all right. Hello, my name's Romanadvortrelunder. The inferior beings I hang around me call me Romana, and think I'm egotistical. You might remember me from many great UK works of televisual art, such as Doctor Who, The Duchess of Duke Street, Rosebud, Vampire Circus, and Hamlet.
Donner: Ahh, no one cares about that stuff anymore.
Romana: Oh yeah? Well, I wasn't alone in Hamlet. I was acting alongside Patrick Stewart! But he had hair back then.
Donner: Really? Oh my god! How old are you?
Romana: This relationship is off to a tenuous start.
Donner: Sorry. Tell me more about young Jean-Luc.

Back at the hotel, actually a secret base of operations for the Kromagg
Dynasty, of which there are an infinite number, because of the multi-
dimensional thing, and will eventually clash with each other and destroy
the megaverse...

Kromagg1: Burp.
Kromagg2: That was disgusting.
Kromagg1: Sorry.
Wade: We gotta get out of here - if only to escape the crappy dialogue.
Quinn: (checking timer) we've only got half an hour until we slide.
Kromagg1: I'll take that. (takes timer)
Rembrandt: Good one Q-ball.
Arturo: (munching on a leg of ham) We must outwit these Kromaggs somehow.
Kromagg2: Fat chance, bub! We aren't your run-of-the-mill moron soldier type guys! We are privy to all the great secrets and successes of the Kromagg dynasty!
Kromagg1: Yeah! One might say we're legends!
Quinn: I may have a plan.
Wade: Okay team, huddle!
They huddle in a group. The Kromaggs are pushed out of the circle almost immediately. As they go off to sulk, Arturo is ejected from the group for taking up too much room. He continues to munch on his ham.
Rembrandt: So that's it?
Quinn: That's it. Hey, you two! Shouldn't you confiscate the fat man's ham? It could be a dangerous weapon!
Kromagg1: He's right. (He and Kromagg2 walk over to the professor and try to remove the leg) Let go. Let go! Give me the damn thing, you fat bastard!
Arturo: My....Meat! Mine! MINE!
Arturo beats the crap out of the two guards with the ham. Quinn recovers the timer.
Rembrandt: Great plan Q-ball!
Quinn: Now, we dress up Remmy and me as Kromagg guards and just walk us out!
Wade: But how will you two pass for Kromaggs? You're too human-looking.
Arturo: Quite simply, my good woman. Due to severe budget cuts by the FOX network, the Kromaggs have been wearing less and less makeup and face putty. In fact, most of them could pass for humans - and if not humans, FOX network executives.

Rembrandt and Quinn dress up and walk them all out. In the abandoned warehouse, Donner and Romana are each enjoying a cup of tea.

Romana:...and that's why they didn't let me kick the snot out of Charlton Heston.
Donner: Wow. That's really cool and all, Romana, but I have to get going. That insane Maggie is going to get back here pretty fast, and the others are probably going to worry.
Donner leaves the tea-sipping Time Lady and heads back to the Chandler hotel, meeting the others in the lobby.
Rembrandt: Hey, it's that writer guy!
Wade: What happened to you?
Donner: I was knocked unconsious, dragged into a abandoned warehouse, tied up, mentally tortured, menaced with a variety of rubber knives, almost died of suffocation during that stupid 'Where Did You Go? My Breasts Are So Big I Can't See You' sketch, and finally had tea with a woman who knew Patrick Stewart when he still had hair.
Quinn: Wow! How old was she?
Arturo: My boy, how long until we open the portal?
Quinn: Thirty seconds.
Wade: That's convenient.
The Kromagg Commander and his cohorts of heavily-armed soldiers pour into the room.
Donner: I'd call it painfully inconvenient. The kind of pain you get when every body part you have gets blown off and thrown around the room.
Commander: Stop them! Don't shoot Pavarotti! We need him alive!
Arturo: I AM NOT PAVAROTTI YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!
The Kromaggs open fire and vaporize the blues band in the corner. Quinn and Rembrandt return fire with the rifles they took from upstairs (didn't I mention them? Oops).
Wade: Quick! Hide behind the professor!
They hide in the portly Englishman's shadow.
Commander: Don't shoot Pavarotti!
The Kromaggs cease fire.
Arturo: FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, I AM NOT PAVAROTTI!
Silence.
Rembrandt: Go on.
Arturo: What?

Remmy mimes.

Arturo: Oh. YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!
Quinn: (shouting) I set the timer to take us back to the last world! That way we can dump Donner and finish this moron of a parody!
Wade: Why are you shouting?
The timer beeps and Quinn opens the wormhole. The five of them jump in.
Commander: Let them go! Don't follow them!
Maggie runs past and dives into the closing portal.
Commander: We have them just where we want them! Ha - ha ha - ha ha!

The Sliders, Donner and evil Maggie come out at the other end of the wormhole.

Maggie: I told you that you couldn't escape me!
Donner: You didn't say anything like that!
Maggie: No? Well, I suppose I didn't. But it was implied! And now, none of you can stop me!
Rembrandt and Quinn level their phased plasma pulse rifles at Maggie.
Maggie: Damn.
Maggie jumps out another window as they fire, vapourising the blues band in the corner.
Arturo: How long until the next window, Quinn my lad?
Quinn: Ah. Three weeks. (Rembrandt turns the timer over) Oh. Thanks Remmy. Seven hours.
Wade: Gooooeeeeehaaaa.
Arturo: So where the devil are we?
Wade: Leeeeeeeooooooooooooo.
Quinn: Well, it looks pretty high tech. All the fancy lighting, cheap silver painted walls, yellow polyester outfits - my guess is that the writers wanted this to be a futuristic setting.
Wade: Ooooooohaaaaaaaa.
Donner: I guess this isn't my world. Maybe that's what Michael York meant by "We have them just where we want them. Ha - ha ha - ha ha!"
Wade: Maaaaaahaaaaaaoooooeeeeeaaaaah.
Quinn: So you think the Kromaggs somehow re-directed our wormhole?
Wade: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Donner: It's the only explanation that can be pasted onto the paper-thin storyline.
Wade: Muuuuuuuusstttt fffiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnddddd Leeeeeeoooooooooo.
Rembrandt: What's that noise?
Donner: Could be anything. The writers must have sucked up the special effects budget with that fire fight. And those mega-huge holograms of Leonadro DiCaprio stuck on every wall, floor, ceiling, or generally flat surface.
Quinn, Arturo, Rembrandt and Donner: Good God!
Wade: Muuuuuuuuusssttt ffiiiiiiiiinnnnnndddddd Leeeeeeooooooooo!
Wade wanders off, while the men stand stock-still in absolute horror and disgust.
Voice: Welcome to San Fransisco, home of the Leo Gate Bridge. Within the city of San Fransisco we have one hundred and forty dedicated shrines to Leonardo DiCaprio, and have another three hundred in various stages of construction.
Quinn: It's impossible! That guy's more of a jerk than I am!
Voice: Take in a movie at the local Leo Theatre, and enjoy one of the many classic epics of our era: Titanic, The Man In the Iron Mask, Romeo and Juliet, The Quick and The Dead, What's Eating Gilbert Grape...
Donner: It's worse than I could possibly have imagined!
Voice: Take a ride on Leo Ferry, our wonderful bayside mobile shrine, the first of it's kind in the world.
Rembrandt: It's horrible! It's like a disease!
Voice: Or you can book a flight on Leo Air, the world wide monopoly on air travel, and wing your way to one of the thirty-seven major cathedrals devoted to the worship of our God, Leonardo DiCaprio.
Arturo: IT'S A WORLD POPULATED BY BLISTERING IDIOTS!
Donner: How is it possible? Hey - where's Wade?
Quinn: I guess she's wandered off in the mindless worship of that tosser on the screen.
Donner: No! Not Wade! No! NO! NOOOOOOOO! WHY WADE!?! WHY HER? WHY NOT TAKE ME!
Rembrandt: Get a grip man! The way I figure, all we have to do is kill DiCaprio, and the spell will be broken.
Arturo: Pleasant thought, but I feel that the problem is greater than that.
Quinn: This could be terrible! Imagine if this was a type of mind control! Every woman on the planet would want Leonardo DiCaprio!
Rembrandt: And they couldn't care less about the rest of us....Oh no!
Arturo: Mr Brown, you mentioned 'Killing'?
Quinn: It's even worse! Imagine this; within ten years, there will be no child on the planet fathered by anyone but DiCaprio!
Topper: Then you get inbreeding. Webbed toes, crossed eyes. Kids with no teeth who suck up meals through a straw, and pork farm yard animals.
Rembrandt: Who the hell are you?
Topper: (Guest starring: Charlie Sheen) Oh, I'm Topper Harley, gunslinger, ace pilot, general good guy and teen heart-throb, at least before Emperor DiCaprio rose to power.
Arturo: Pleased to meet you Mister Harley. How is life in Straight Man's Hell?
Topper: Huh. Pretty bad. No women.
Suddenly a swirling red portal appears and a squad of forty Kromaggs step out, wearing massive suits of chrome armour and wielding shoulder-mounted cannons.
Kromagg Sargent: (Guest starring: Mr T) There they are! Kill the fools!
Topper pulls out a gun and obliterates the squad. The portal closes.
Quinn: Uh. Say...Does that happen often?
Topper: Oh, all the time. But there's always some kindly civilian around willing to toast some inter-dimensional scum.
Rembrandt: Civilian? You mean regular people carry those ray guns?
Topper: Oh no. You need to be over the legal drinking age.
Donner: What's that?
Topper: Eight.
Another portal opens, and this time a tank rolls in. Again, Topper cooks it before the portal can even close.
Arturo: Ah. Do you have any trouble with Leonardo DiCaprio?
Topper: Don't even mention that scumball! His religion is a pox upon the buttocks of the human race! Every man in the Resistance would gladly blow his pre-pubescent crappyness into the next world!
Rembrandt: What did you say? Resistance?
Topper: Yeah, the top-secret-you-can-talk-about-it-to-strangers-you-just-met-in-the-street-und erground-movement-planning-to-take-down-DiCaprio-that-coincidentally-I-am-th e-leader-of.
Donner: I pity the man at the keyboard.
Arturo: Well, Mister Harley, I wish we had men like you on our world.
Quinn: Well, why don't you just blast DiCaprio?
Topper: He's too powerful! He lives on a private jet that never lands! It runs on a nuclear fission reactor, and is protected by a massive forcefield! It costs us billions of dollars a year, but it doesn't matter, because half the population worships him, and the other half are powerless! He doesn't crush the resistance movement because he knows it can't hurt him!
Conan: Crumb!
Rembrandt: Who the hell are you?
Conan: (guest starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger) I am Conan, da Barbarian. Like Toppa, I am a varrior in the resistance. I too veel the pinch of injustice at not beeng able to vind a voman.
Quinn: So you do inter-dimensional travel too?
Conan: Yah. I am a master ov inter-die-marshmellow traval. Vhat's dat?
Arturo: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!

Elsewhere, Maggie is getting up.

Maggie: Now I must make another evil plan to kill that jug-obsessed writer!
Maggie begins to think. Time slows. Steam slowly seeps out of her ears. Finally something snaps audibly in her skull. She slowly keels over and collapses. At this point, I would like to inform the readers that due to the filtering effects of her silicone implants, she is immune to the chemicals in the air that turn almost every other woman into a DiCaprio worshipper. Convenient, dontcha think?

But now, back to the sliders.

Quinn: Okay. We need to find Wade, try to break Leonardo DiCaprio's Domination of this world, get rid of Maggie, unravel the Kromagg plot...
Rembrandt: Zzzzzzt.....snort......zzzzzzz........wha?
Conan: Vhat ve need is a standaad - a symbol! Two snakes, coming together - facing each other! But dey are one!
Arturo: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!
Donner: Hey! Why don't we use our pitifully inadequate knowledge of guerilla warfare and military tactics to aid Topper, giving him an edge over Emperor DiCaprio? After all, we, being the heroes, will immediately come up with an idea that Topper and all the other experienced combat veterans would never have thought of!
Topper: That's a brilliant idea! I'll use you to head my elite squad of commandos to take out the shield generator that protects the Emperor's ship!
Quinn: What!?!
Rembrandt: How can you be sure that we'll be so dependable as to lead a critical attack?
Topper: I don't. But the four of you means four shots that won't kill me and my men! In fact, the fat man should take a couple of shots to vaporize. Hey Donner, don't look so down - have a push-pop!

Is Wade beyond redemption?
Will they ever stop Maggie?
Will Arturo take a couple of shots to vaporise?
Will Donner eat the push-pop?
Who the hell was that Romana person?
And what the hell is Conan the Barbarian doing in the parody?

Probably killing something, now that I think about it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

************************************************************************* ************

Donner's Totally Bogus and Funky Adventure. Part 3.
Written by Alex Voutsis.

I don't plan to get any money, prestige, or sexual pleasure from this work. Don't sue me, I'm poor, it's not worth it. I worship FOX. Most of this stuff belongs to them or the BBC. I've borrowed it, and I'll give it back. I promise.

On the world controlled by Leonardo DiCaprio, a big red portal appears. The Kromagg Commander's (Michael York) head sticks out.

Commander: It's clear!
The Commander and two Kromagg soldiers come out.
Kromagg1: So sir, how do we capture Pavarotti?
Commander: I'm not sure. Just act innocent and we won't get cooked by the locals.
They whistle nonchalantly and look at walls. Suddenly, a big blue police box appears, wheezing and groaning. It materializes. The door opens and Romana (Lalla Ward) gets out.
Romana: Hey! You! Why do you want to capture the fat man?
Commander: Hmm? What? Who are you?
Romana: I'm Romana.
Commander: I'm the Kromagg Commander, and this is Kromagg1 and Kromagg2.
Romana: Good. Now that we've gotten over the introductions, we can explain the ludicrously thin plot of this parody.
Commander: Damn straight. The Kromagg Dynasty wants to take over this world. Failing that, we want the clean this planet of the damp, smelly stain that is Leonardo DiCaprio. To this end, we have designed a sonic cannon that is so powerful it can punch through the force fields the vile little puke has shielding his personal jet. The problem is, it requires a huge sonic power source.
Romana: The fat man.
Commander: Yes, Pavarotti. However, if we stay on this world too long, some guy with a gun is likely to fry us. It could make prolonged occupation a just a teensy weensy bit 'veer sha po'.
Romana: What the hell does that mean?
Commander: I don't know. It's your quote.
Romana: Ugh..I remember now. How about a deal: I help the Sliders get rid of DiCaprio, and you piss off from this planet until the end of time.
Commander: Agreed. Just one question?
Romana: Yes?
Commander: Why aren't you affected by the gas that turns all the women here into morons?
Romana: I'm a heroine, and so I'm immune.
Commander: But Wade Wells is a heroine too, and she's gone bananas.
Romana: Okay. How about this: It's convenient for the writers.
Commander: I can accept that.

Elsewhere, Topper has led Quinn, Rembrandt, Arturo and Donner back to the secret base of the anti-DiCaprio resistance movement. Donner is sucking on a push-pop.

Topper: (That's Charlie Sheen) Okay. Stay here until I get back for the assault in an hour.

He leaves. The four guys stand around. They continue standing. They are still standing now. After a while, Maggie runs into the secret base.

Arturo: Good God! It's that Maggie monster!

Quinn and Remmy both level their guns at the intruder.

Maggie: No wait! I'm not the evil Maggie! I'm the good Maggie!
Rembrandt: No such animal. Blast her!
Maggie: No please! I'm serious! I'm here to stop the evil one, help you guys, and stand around and jiggle a bit. Like this. (demonstrates)
Rembrandt: Oohh...well, I... She makes a damn good case.
Arturo: Indubitably, my good Rembrandt.
Quinn: If she's telling the truth, we've got to help her clear her chest - I mean name.
Donner: Hey! There is no way I am letting any Maggie, evil or otherwise chaotically aligned, anywhere near me! The last time that happened, I was nearly suffocated in her breasts! Sure it was fun, but so are bumper cars!
Arturo: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!

Romana runs into the room, waving a little electronic device in the air.

Romana: Wait! I can help!
Rembrandt: Who's the blonde?
Donner: She's that woman who helped me out earlier - the one who knew Patrick Stewart when he still had hair.
Quinn: Incredible! Say, how old are you?

Romana ninja-kicks Quinn into Arturo's stomach, where he is sucked up. After a frantic moment, Donner and Rembrandt pull Quinn out again.

Arturo's Stomach: Pop.
Romana: Like I said, I can help you. This device can determine whether someone is good or evil.
Rembrandt: How does it work?
Romana: Oh, you wave it over them like so.

Romana waves it over Maggie like so. Nothing happens.

Quinn: Nothing's happened.
Arturo: Gee, you're good at stating the obvious.
Romana: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOTS!

Silence.

Donner: She's English, okay? Hey, when is this going to tell us if she's evil?
Romana: About now.

Suddenly Maggie's eyes go red, her teeth grow to fangs and her fingernails become massive gnashy claws. Her head does the full 360 degree exorcist twist, coating the room with thick, green, luke-warm pea soup. Bat-like wings unfold from her shoulders and DemonMaggie leaps into the air, circles around the room, flapping her leathery wings and screeching like a banshee, and then tears a hole in the roof and flies up and out.

After everyone wipes the pea soup from their eyes and other facial orifices...

Rembrandt: I'm hoping for a big twist here. Like you saying, 'Yep - she's a good guy all right.'
Arturo: (approaching Romana) My good woman, I believe that turning evil Maggie into a winged, fanged, clawed and soup-spewing demon may have given her a slight edge over us.
Romana: Oh, don't worry your fuzzy-haired head about it. It'll wear off in a second.

From high, high above, we hear a scream. It gets louder and louder and Louder And LOUDER AND LOUDER -

Maggie: (Falling through hole in roof) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Maggie hits the ground at Terminal Velocity -

Topper: I was in that!

- sure Charlie. Maggie hits the ground VERY hard - but because she landed on her chest, she bounces back up onto her feet, completely unharmed.

Rembrandt: What the Fu-
Quinn: Remmy! It's FOX!
Rembrandt: Sorry.
Maggie: You can't stop me! I am invincible! Invincible!
Arturo: God I'm tired. (sits on Maggie)
Maggie: Whammmmmmmpphhhsplat.

There is a moment of silence. A long moment of silence.

Arturo: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU BLISTERING IDIOTS?
Romana: You just sat on - as in sat down on - the villain.
Arturo: Did what?
Rembrandt: You just killed Maggie.
Arturo: How? What are you talking about?
Donner: Finally. Justice is done! The Professor reigns supreme over the Bimbo!
Quinn: By the way, Topper got back here just a few seconds ago.
Topper: Okay team, this is the way that we will take down the self-proclaimed Emperor Leonardo DiCaprio.
Conan: Dank you Toppa. (a rotating hologram conveniently appears in the centre of the room) Crumb! You can see heer the Emperor's airliner circling above the forest land of Pendor.
Quinn: Pardon?
Rembrandt: Wait a sec-
Conan: Although the weapon systems on dis aircraft are not yet operational, it does possess a strang defense mechanism. It is protected by an enargy sheeld, which is generated from the nearby forest land of Pendor. Da sheeld must be de-activated if any attack is to be attempted.
Arturo: I believe he's directly paraphrasing the sixth episode of the Star Wars trilogy.
Donner: So what does that mean?
Quinn: We're going to get our pants sued off.
Arturo: Bend over, gentlemen, the FOX Network is taking aim.
Conan: Once da sheeld is down, we will charge our way in and squish anyding in our vay. Crumb! General Topper has volunteered to lead the attack.
(shot of Topper looking confused and slightly out of it)
Conan: General Topper?
Topper: We have stolen a small car, covered in posters of the dictator. Under the guise of blind followers of the Emperor, a strike team will drive into Pendor and de-activate the shield generator.
Quinn: Guess who.
Topper: General Mallary - is your strike team assembled?
Quinn: No. This is bullshit. There is no way in hell that we are going to do this!
Topper: Excellent. (whips out a giant blaster) Now MOVE IT SUCKERS!

At gunpoint, our heroes are forced to get into an old chevy covered in posters of - blech - Leonardo DiCaprio. First Donner, who is sucking on his push-pop, then Quinn and Remmy, and finally the Professor. They have a bit of trouble with him.

Topper: Push harder Conan!
Conan: I am pushink! Crumb!
Arturo: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIO- (with a pop, Arturo vanishes into the car's interior. On the far side of the vehicle we see Donner fly out the window like a cork under pressure. No one notices.

CAR: Vrum vrum.
Topper: Let's go!

They drive away, leaving Donner and Romana. Donner begins to suck on his push-pop again.

Romana: So what're you doing?
Donner: Well, I'm not crazy. I'm going to turn myself in to the Emperor's forces and try to find Wade.
Romana: And how will you find her?
Donner: I'll read ahead in the script.

Later in the shield generator complex, Darth Wader strides down a corridor where he is met by a group of guards, holding Donner at gunpoint.

Guard: This is the rebel that surrendered to us. Although he denies it, I believe there may be more of them, and I request permission to conduct a further search of the area. He was armed only with this.

The guard hands over the push-pop.

Wader: Good work commander. Leave us. Conduct your search and bring his companions to me.

The guards leave.

Wader: The Emperor has been expecting you.
Donner: Great Wade, let's get out of here.
Wader: So, you have accepted the truth.
Donner: What? Whatever. Let's beat it before Quinn and the others get fried.
Wader: That name no longer has any meaning for me.
Donner: So you're available? Cool! So, what are you doing in say - ten seconds time?
Wader: (unwinds push-pop) I see you have constructed a new lightsaber.
Donner: What? Oh no, we're not still on the old "Quote Star Wars 'Till Death" routine, are we?
Wader: Your skills are complete. (winds up push-pop) Indeed you are powerful, as the Emperor has foreseen.
Donner: Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Drop the act, the helmet, the cloak, and any other clothes you're wearing, please, it'll make me the happiest man in my pants-
Wader: Obi-wan once thought as you do.
Donner: Ugh. That's put me right off. Alec Guiness. Eeeeeuugghhh!
Wader: You don't know the Power of the Dark Side. I must obey my master.
Donner: My god. You haven't become Di-Caprio's slave, have you?!?
Wader: If that is your destiny...
Donner: DAMN YOU DICAPRIO! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Charlton Heston walks up to Donner and punches him out. He leaves.

Wader: It is too late for me son. The emperor will show you the true nature of the force. He is your master now.
Donner: (says nothing because he's unconscious)

Meanwhile, Topper, Conan, Arturo, Quinn and Rembrandt reach the shield generator, which looks a lot like the bunker in 'Return of the Jedi'.

Quinn: Ahh, Topper? Can I ask you a question?
Topper: Maybe.
Quinn: What happens if we get ambushed by say, an entire legion of the emperor's best troops who await us?
Conan: Ve have made allies among de native creatures of de forest.
Rembrant: What, Ewoks?
Conan: No, Care Bears.
Arturo: I suppose they'll shoot at the soldiers with little arrows which couldn't possibly penetrate their armour?
Topper: No, they'll do the Care Bear Stare.

The heroes walk up to the bunker and blast their way in with a disappointingly short action sequence.

Quinn: Well, that was easy.

Meanwhile, on DiCaprio's personal jet, Donner is escorted by Darth Wader, who, if you didn't catch on to it earlier, is Wade in a black leather suit and helmet, into the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio, who is sitting on a black swiveling throne, and is dressed in a black robe - get the picture?

Wader: (trips over cape) Hup! Thump! F%#king cape.

DiCaprio: Welcome young Donner, I have been expecting you. Guards - leave us.
Bennish: Coooool.

They leave.

DiCaprio: I am looking forward to completing your -
Donner: Shut up you sad toss pot! Be silent, you sick little puke ridden pile of warm offal!

DiCaprio: - training. In time, you will call me Master!

The TARDIS materializes and Romana steps out.

Romana: SHUT UP YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!
DiCaprio: Oh no, young writer, it is you who are mistaken; about a great many things. First, FOX is actually a alien-sponsored organization, designed to take over the world with post-MTV silicone bimbos!
Donner: I knew it!
DiCaprio: Oh...you did.
Donner: Well, at least we're not still quoting Star Wars.
Romana: Yeah. That was more lame than that song Mrs Trotter sang in that episode of 'The Duchess of Duke Street'!
Donner & Dicaprio: Yeah...Okay...
Romana: It was bad, okay?
DiCaprio: (patting push-pop on armrest) Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it! Give in to your anger!
Donner: Gladly!

Donner delivers a historical punch to DiCaprio's nose, knocking him clear over the throne and over to somewhere else. Donner then retrieves his push-pop and begins furiously unwinding it. Wader does the same with hers.

Meanwhile, back in the bunker, hundreds of soldiers capture Quinn, Rembrandt and the Professor. They are taken outside where the troopers are subdued by the dreaded 'Care Bear Stare'. Then they go back and blow up the bunker in a massive explosion, throwing bits of flaming debris up thousands of feet into the air, causing the mighty trees of the forest to ripple from the force of the blast.

Conan: Crumb!

Back on the ship, Donner and Wader have finished unwinding their push-pops and are know engaged in a furious candy duel.

Donner: Damn this is lame!

Romana kicks Wader across the room, flattening her against a wall. She slides down to the floor in a clatter of black armour.

Donner: That's handy.
Romana: Yeah, but they never let me use it in Doctor Who. Sure, I'd spent forty years of my practically infinite life span learning venusian karate and other various forms of removing a person's liver and feeding it to them before he dies, but NoooOoo! I wasn't allowed to do it to anyone! I just kept on getting knocked unconscious by the villains and tied up and dressed in scanty ceremonial garments for virgin sacrifices, just like every heroine of science-fiction that's ever been!
Donner: Sounds like an interesting show.
DiCaprio's Voice: Ah ha ha ha ha! Now, you will die! While you were battling my minion, I made my escape and locked you in! You are helpless! I'm going to gas you two to death like the weeny little bastard I am! Ha ha ha haaa!
Donner: We've got to get out of here! We're going to die! What are we going to do?
Romana: Let's take the TARDIS.

They pick up Wader and carry her into the TARDIS, which disappears. Gas begins to spray into the room from the vents.

DiCaprio's Voice: Die! Die! DIE!!! Ah ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Back on the ground at the bunker...

Topper: Well, guys, thanks for helping out. Now piss off.
Arturo: Mr Malary, Mr Brown, I believe we should leave now.
Quinn: We've still got another half-hour before we slide.
Rembrandt: Hey! We've got to find Wade and Donner!

They wander away from Topper and Conan and begin to make their way to the city.
Suddenly, a giant wormhole opens and the Kromagg Commander (that's Michael York) and Kromaggs #1 through #34 pour out.

Commander: Ha ha! It's as the Romana woman said! There are separate from the others! Grab Pavarotti!
Arturo: I AM NOT PAVAROTTI YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!

The TARDIS materializes and Donner, Romana, and a restored Wade come out. They are not noticed by the Kromaggs, who have shoved the portly professor up to a giant megaphone. They point it up at the sky, where we can see Leonardo DiCaprio's private jet flying overhead.

Commander: Okay, fat man, sing!
Arturo: I beg your pardon?
Commander: Sing! Destroy the puke-ridden, slime-sucking little pile of insipid, puss-oozing, damp-smelling evilness!

Quinn: Oh! Kill DiCaprio!
Kromagg #29: Ah, this isn't going to work. Maybe Pavarotti needs more food.
Aruturo: FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU SMALL-MINDED, OILY LITTLE CRAPWIT, I AM NOT PAVAROTTI! I AM PROFESSOR MAXIMILLIAN ARTURO, AND I'M MUCH, MUCH SMARTER THAN YOU ARE! PAVAROTTI IS ITALIAN! HEA SPEAKA LIKA THIS! I AM AN ENGLISHMAN! I TALK LIKE THIS!!!!!!

Meanwhile, DiCaprio's personal jet has been blasted into it's component atoms, and the smelly stain that is Leonardo DiCaprio is gone forever. At least, on that world.

Meanwhile, Romana and the Kromagg Commander, English to the core, were inspired by Arutro's speech and are singing the entire score of the HMS Pentafore.

Romana & Kromagg Commander: His brow should scowl and his lip should curl...

Kromagg #2: That's it. I'm outa here.

A giant wormhole appears and the Kromaggs leave, apart from the Commander, who is still singing.

Arturo: Wait a second! Did someone mention food?
Rembrandt: Well, how about that. We got rid of Maggie, saved this world from
DiCaprio, rescued Wade, prevented the Professor from being used as a weapon of mass destruction-
Quinn: But he was used.
Rembrandt: Oh yeah. Well, it was against a real sonovabitch, so it doesn't count. So we got rid of Maggie, saved this world from Dicaprio, rescued Wade, insured the Professor would be used as a weapon of mass destruction to bring about an era of peace and happiness for humanity -
Arturo: Excuse me? Some said something about food!
Rembrandt: - we unraveled the Kromagg plot, escaped being used by Topper and Conan the Barbarian as a human shield, got Donner back-
Wade: Rembrandt? The timer's up.
Arturo: That's all well and good, child, but what about my food?

A great big blue wormhole opens and the sliders go through. And Donner.

Romana & Kromagg Commander: He remains an English Man!
Romana: Hey? Where did everybody go?
Commander: Damn! My soldiers are gone and left me trapped on a world filled with hordes of nubile women on the rebound from Leonardo DiCaprio. Hey...
Romana: Don't worry. I'll get you home with the TARDIS.
Commander: Nuts.

They get in the TARDIS and it disappears. It reappears on a different world, on the top of a mountain covered in jungles and forests. There is a beautiful sunrise in the middle of happening.

Commander: So, this is the outside.
Romana: Look! The crystal is clear! What does that mean?
Commander: It means that the city has no power here.

Glorious music swells in the background, and Romana and the Commander go off and swim naked in a pool somewhere. Only those people who have seen Logan's Run will get that. And none of them will laugh. If you haven't seen the movie, then just accept it as something really weird, like when Maggie was suffocating Donner with her boobs.

Meanwhile, the Sliders have dropped Donner back on his own, boring little world and have gone sliding again. Arturo and Rembrandt are standing on the edge of a brightly-coloured racecourse, while Quinn, Wade and Super Mario drive around in miniature cars powered by lawn mowers.

Arturo: Welcome to MarioKart, Mister Brown.
Peachy: Peachy! Hiya, Mario!
Arturo: I AM NOT MARIO YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!

Peachy kicks his ass.

THE END, FINALLY.