EXT. JUSTICE SQUAD ISLAND
NARRATOR
LIVE from JUSTICE SQUAD ISLAND in
the heart of the PACIFIC OCEAN it's
the JUSTICE SQUAD ELECTION
SPECTACULAR!!!
INT. THE MEETING HALL
ULTRAWOMAN walks by trying to straighten her boobs. She then
tugs her uniform out of her butt crack.
ULTRAWOMAN
Starring ULTRAWOMAN!!!
INT. A BATHROOM
CAPEMAN is sitting on the toilet reading his own comic book.
He looks around for toilet paper, but can't find any. He
looks at the comic, then he looks at his cape.
NARRATOR
Also starring CAPEMAN!!!
INT. WOLFMAN'S QUARTERS
Three women are in Wolfman's bed. Wolfman is in the bathroom
wearing nothing but boxers and scratching himself.
NARRATOR
Also Also Starring WOLFMAN!!!
INT. NIGHTFLYER'S ROOM
NIGHTFLYER, wearing a robe and his mask, is trying to decide
between two exactly matching costumes.
NARRATOR
With NIGHTFLYER!!!
Nightflyer throws one over his shoulder and smiles at the one
he's chosen.
INT. THE KITCHEN
COSMIC WEASEL is looking very chipper this morning as he
pours himself a cup of coffee.
NARRATOR
Also with COSMIC WEASEL!!!
Luna, looking like a barely awake cavewoman, walks by, slaps
him, and takes the cup of coffee from him.
NARRATOR
Also Also with LUNA!!!
Devour leaps into frame, grabs the coffee and runs.
NARRATOR
And DEVOUR!!!
LUNA
BAD KITTY! WE DON'T STEAL!
COLOSSAL CHUNK enters carrying Devour by the scruff of his
neck. Devour sheepishly spits out a cup and then a perfect
stream of coffee into the cup from his mouth.
NARRATOR
And and COLOSSAL CHUNK!
LUNA
I changed my mind. You take it.
Luna shoves the coffee into Cosmic Weasel's hands. Cosmic
Weasel hands the cup to DONNER as he enters.
NARRATOR
And also and with also DONNER!!!
DONNER
Very thoughtful of you, Cos, thank
you.
He takes a drink.
INT. THE NURSERY
IVY is playing with her six month old son, Max - a beautiful
baby with light blue skin. ULTRABABY - Now five years old is
helping.
NARRATOR
With also IVY, ULTRABABY, and
introducing MAX THE ALIEN BABY!!!
Ivy throws Max into the air and when she catches him,
lighting shoots out of his diaper destroying a wall.
IVY
Oopsie! Maxie needs changing!
INT. A RECORDING STUDIO
BIPPO THE CLOWN is speaking into a microphone.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
And also starring with BIPPO THE
CLOWN!!! YAY! APPLAUSE! HOORAY!
BOOOO!
EXT. AN OBAMA RALLY
BARACK OBAMA and JOE BIDEN are at a podium being applauded by
thousands of people. Blue birds lands on Obama's shoulders
as he walks over and heals a man in a wheelchair.
NARRATOR
Special guest stars BARACK HUSSIEN
OBAMA and JOE BIDEN!!!
EXT. A MCCAIN RALLY
JOHN McCAIN and TINA FEY as SARAH PALIN are waving to a crowd
of ignorant rednecks who are holding signs that says "OBAMA
IS AN ARAB!", "OBAMA IS A MUSLIM", and "OBAMA'S AN ELITIST
WHO THINKS WE'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING!"
NARRATOR
WITH JOHN McCAIN and Tina Fey as
SARA PALIN!!!
The real Sarah Palin walks out.
SARAH PALIN
HEY! Why can't I play myself?
NARRATOR
We weren't allowed anywhere near
you.
MCCAIN
Sorry, I thought they were the
press!
Laughter.
-----
THE JUSTICE SQUAD ELECTION SPECTACULAR!!!
Written by Jason Donner
Brought to you by
DODGE TRUCKS! Come and drive a Tundra, named after the very
land its emissions are destroying but f*ck it, you'll look
AWESOME!!!
By Dimension Film's MOVIE MOVIE - that's right, there's
nothing else to make sh*tty spoofs about, so we're spoofing
the spoof movies. MOVIE MOVIE in theaters for about three
hours before becoming an exclusive Blockbuster rental!
And by the merger of Washington Mutual, Tyrannicorp, and
Famers Bank. Remember... WTF is up with Wall Street!
We'll return to The Justice Squad Election Spectacular after
this message.
INT. THE BUSH RANCH
GEORGE W. BUSH is sitting on a horse.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Did you know that the human head
weighs eight pounds?
EXT. JUSTICE SQUAD ISLAND
Establishing shot.
NARRATOR
And now, back to our program.
INT. THE MEETING HALL
DONNER is sitting by himself reading at least ten papers at
once. ULTRAWOMAN, BIPPO, NIGHTFLYER, and CAPEMAN enters.
ULTRAWOMAN
Sure has been quiet around here
lately.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
I know. I wonder if we've been
cancelled.
ULTRAWOMAN
What?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
What? Oh, hey look! It's Donner!
Hey, Donner, what are you up to
today? I haven't seen you or your
magnificently sculpted bottom in
weeks!
Bippo slaps Donner on the ass.
DONNER
(Unphased)
You're sh*tting me. You don't know
where I've been? Where am I during
every election?
Silence.
CAPEMAN
Uhhhhh...
DONNER
I RUN FOR PRESIDENT, YOU DOLTS!
CAPEMAN
Again? What is this? Three times?
DONNER
Four. Curse you, Bill, for
stealing Arsenio from me!
NIGHTFLYER
Donner, why do you even bother?
You're lucky you pull single digits
in the polls. You just have
nothing that people want. For one,
you're not compassionate...
DONNER
(Stands)
F**K YOU, FAIRY BOY! I HAVE
COMPASSION COMING OUT MY ASS!
ULTRAWOMAN
You see what we mean?
DONNER
No.
CAPEMAN
All right, take a look at it from
this perspective.
John McCain offers experience and
that weird swollen facial gland
while Obama brings a change of
direction and skin tone.
DONNER
(Strokes chin)
So what you're saying is... I need
to appeal to both the old and the
black.
(snaps fingers)
WILLARD!
NIGHTFLYER
DON'T CALL ME WILLARD!
DONNER
I want you.
NIGHTFLYER
And they say patience has no
rewards.
DONNER
As a running mate, you fruit!
CAPEMAN
You want Nightflyer as your running
mate?
DONNER
No, I want Willard... Willard Van
Der Poof, an experienced black
entrepreneur. The public will eat
that up like the Chinese do tainted
baby food.
ULTRAWOMAN
There's no way in Hell he'll-
NIGHTFLYER
I'll do it.
ULTRAWOMAN
Hell's bells.
NIGHTFLYER
Come on, Mona! Think about the
good Donner and I can do for this
country! Sure, Donner may be a
despicable and loathsome
individual, but with Justice
Squad's endorsement...
ULTRAWOMAN
We're not endorsing anyone this
year. Not Donner, not Obama, and
not McCain. New bylaws.
DONNER
F**K YOUR BYLAWS!
ULTRAWOMAN
Sorry, but as a major power on the
planet, we HAVE to show
objectivity!
NIGHTFLYER
Forget it, Donner, we don't need
them! Let's go hit the campaign
trail!
DONNER
Good thinking. Let's get your out
of those clothes first.
NIGHTFLYER
Oo, it's like Christmas and my
birthday all wrapped up into one.
Donner and Nightflyer exit.
ULTRAWOMAN
(Rubs head)
Politics.
(looks at Capeman)
You have a stain on your cape, by
the way.
Capeman tries to hide it as JACK enters. He's still not
wearing a uniform, but instead wears a black leather jacket
over a blue shirt and denim jeans. The back of his jacket
has a blue star on it.
JACK
What's going on with Nightflyer and
Donner? Are they both gay now?
ULTRAWOMAN
I wish it was that simple and
hilarious but Donner's running for
president again.
JACK
Again? What is this, the third
time?
EVERYONE
Fourth.
JACK
We don't actually have to vote for
him, do we?
ULTRAWOMAN
Oh, God no! Vote on who you want.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Or, you can make the correct choice
and vote for JOHN McCAIN like I am.
JACK
You're voting for McCain?
That's... unexpected of you, Bippo.
(a beat)
It's because you think Sarah Palin
is hot, right?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
She's a Gilf!
ULTRAWOMAN
Gilf?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
GOVERNOR I'D LIKE TO-
ULTRAWOMAN
We GET it!
Ultrawoman covers his mouth.
JACK
Bippo, do you know what she stands
for? She's an idiot!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Bippo likes 'em a little dumb!
JACK
She doesn't believe that climate
change is man-made!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
You and your liberal facts and
scientific data! Neither proves
anything!
JACK
She voted for a law that lets
people shoot wolves from
helicopters!
Bippo looks at him.
JACK
Point taken. However, Bippo...
she's PRO LIFE!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
So am I.
JACK
You? Pro life? Bippo, I saw you
kill three people yesterday in the
supermarket when we went to get
eggs!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
They wanted that last copy of The
Star! That was BIPPO's copy of The
Star! Too bad it was actually The
Globe, but still I think that the
fundamental truth was unchanged.
Reeses Peanut Butter Cups are the
most awesome thing ever which, if
I'm not mistaken, was the very
reason I joined the boy scouts.
A beat. Bippo honks a clown horn. Ultrawoman taps Capeman
on the shoulder, thumbs to the door, and the two sneak out.
Jack continues to stare with an open mouth.
JACK
So, you're pro life now?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
That I am.
JACK
Prove it.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Buh?
JACK
Prove it! Go two weeks without
killing anyone... or anything!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Why go two weeks? Why not make it
14 days?
JACK
Even better! If I win... I get to
take all your weapons to a guns for
toys program.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
And if I win... I get to hurt you.
JACK
How?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
(Dark)
I get to hurt you.
(smiles)
Deal?
JACK
(Hesitant)
Deal.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE STUDY
LUNA is reading a book, "AMERICAN HISTORY X" as Ultrawoman,
and Capeman enter.
ULTRAWOMAN
All right, I think we're safe from
stupid in here.
CAPEMAN
Luna? What are you doing in here?
LUNA
I'm studying for my citizenship
test.
ULTRAWOMAN
Citizenship? As in American
Citizenship? I thought you were
already a citizen.
LUNA
Well, as it turns out marrying
someone for a green card doesn't
work anymore so I have to study for
this test.
(holds up book)
And may I say that your country has
a very strange history? For
goodness sake, how much white
supremacy and man to man anal rape
is involved? I guess it's my fault
for not finding volumes one through
nine.
ULTRAWOMAN
All right, we're not safe after
all.
LUNA
Speaking of anal rape, who is
Justice Squad endorsing for
president this year?
ULTRAWOMAN
No one, no way, no how! We're not
endorsing a single candidate.
LUNA
Oh. That won't sit well.
ULTRAWOMAN
I don't care how it sits, I
won't...
(a beat)
It won't set well with who?
LUNA
Those people on the beach.
ULTRAWOMAN
WHAT people on the beach?
EXT. THE BEACH
The waves gently roll in as the camera pans up the beach to
reveal two tiki huts. One is OBAMA HQ and the other is
McCAIN HQ. Sarah Palin and Joe Biden are yelling at each
other on the beach.
BIDEN
NO I will NOT leave! I was here
first!
PALIN
You spinless liberal puke! It's my
right to be here, doncha know!
Ultrawoman and Capeman land between then.
ULTRAWOMAN
What's going on here!?
CAPEMAN
(High Pitched)
Oh MY GOD!!! It's TINA FEY!
PALIN
I'm not Tina...
CAPEMAN
Ooo! Ooo! Sign this for me and
write "To my good friend, Capeman.
You were wonderful last night.
Lustfully yours, Tina Fey."
PALIN
I'm not Tina Fey.
CAPEMAN
(Dangerously)
Siiiiign it!
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman, go over there and play in
that Tidal Pool!
CAPEMAN
All right!
Capeman runs and leaps into the tidal pool.
PALIN
Ah! Ultrawoman! Just the lady I
wanted to see! My name is Sara
Palin. I'm a hockey mom, a mother,
and queen of Alaska. I also have a
vagina and so you're obligated to
vote on me and my running mate,
John McCain! You betcha!
BIDEN
Don't listen to that rethuglican
hussy!
Why, back in the early days of the
Civil War, Abraham Lincoln would
deliver the Gettysberg Address on
television to a nation on the verge
of collapse from Hoover economics.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say
here, but if Barack Obama tries to
take my guns, I'll KILL HIS BLACK
ASS!
Capeman emerges from the tidal pool. A large octopus is
wrapped around his head. He climbs out, trips a couple of
times, and then makes his way to the others.
ULTRAWOMAN
Listen, I-
PALIN
Oh, there you go again!
ULTRAWOMAN
I don't know what you've heard, but
Justice Squad isn't endorsing a
candidate this year. It's nothing
to do with either one of you, but
we feel like the public needs to
make up their own minds.
PALIN
You can't do that! Your
endorsement could help me change
the course of our joke of a
campaign! Diebold can only help so
much!
Capeman bumps into Ultrawoman. He pulls on the octopus, but
it doesn't come off.
BIDEN
Your organization represents
change! Obama represents change!
Just like Mother Teresa when she
ran for President against Speed
Racer!
CAPEMAN
Mmmmmf fmmmf mmf fmfmmmf mmf mfmmf!
ULTRAWOMAN
I couldn't have put it better,
Capeman, thank you. I think that
says it all. We're not doing
endorsements this year. Good bye.
Ultrawoman takes off. Capeman follows her, crashing into a
tree before flying into the sky.
BIDEN
Well, I guess that's that.
PALIN
Says you, ya hoser! The Republican
Party is founded on the principle
that a woman is too stupid to make
decisions about her own body and
that includes her brain! I'll MAKE
her change her mind!
BIDEN
Change? THAT'S OUR WORD!!! I'm
going to CHANGE her mind just like
Jesus changed Hitler's mind about
invading Jersey!
PALIN
I WILL!
BIDEN
I WILL!
PALIN
LIBERAL QUACK!
BIDEN
LIPSTICK WEARING DOG!
PALIN
BIG MOUTHED IDIOT!
BIDEN
COVSERVATARD WHORE!!!
INT. THE STUDY
LUNA is reading an American History coloring book when Cos
zips in. He takes the book away and looks at it.
COSMIC WEASEL
Whatcha readin?
Luna snatches it from him.
LUNA
I'm studying for that ridiculous
test you insist I take.
COSMIC WEASEL
Citizenship isn't ridiculous! It's
a sacred privilege and necessary to
move into that sweet ass beach
front property in Maui we bought.
I mean, the last time we tried to
by a house in the US, immigration
came to our door. Do you really
want a visit from INS again?
LUNA
Goddess no, though Devour did eat
like a king that day.
COSMIC WEASEL
Then think of Maui and PASS THIS
TEST!
LUNA
Maui? We had a free spot on
Kirbylee anytime we wanted it.
COSMIC WEASEL
All right, Number One: I've seen
that place - it's on a three
hundred foot cliff full of
pterodactyls. Two: There's no
pizza delivery or fast food and I
have to catch and cook everything
before I eat anything. Three: I
refuse to live anywhere where a
talking ape is in charge-
LUNA
Didn't stop you from living in
America.
COSMIC WEASEL
(Eyes narrow)
Four... The second we move in
there, your MOTHER will move in
with us and never leave.
A beat.
LUNA
I'd better continue studying.
Cos takes the book from her and tosses it over his shoulder.
COSMIC WEASEL
Books are good for nothing but
reading and fixing uneven coffee
tables. What you need is a tutor.
LUNA
Tutor? Good idea, I'll get
Colossal Chunk...
COSMIC WEASEL
I was thinking about someone more
familiar with American History.
LUNA
Professor Arturo?
COSMIC WEASEL
Someone closer to you as a person.
LUNA
Devour?
COSMIC WEASEL
ME!
LUNA
You? You didn't watch A History of
Violence with me because it
contained the word "History!"
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh hush. I'm a great teacher!
Tell you what, if you want me to
help, just scream the letter "E."
LUNA
Why would I-
Cosmic Weasel grabs her hand and takes off.
LUNA
EEEEEEEEEE!!!
INT. FOX NEWS STUDIOS
DONNER and WILLARD VAN DER POOF, the secret identity of
Nightflyer, are sitting across from Hannity and Colms.
HANNITY
Welcome back. Joining us in studio
is Jason Donner - the...
(reads card)
Awesome Party candidate for
president and his running mate,
Willard Van Der Poof the famous
billionaire playboy.
COLMS
Mr. Donner, why...
Hannity backhands Colms.
HANNITY
Shut your MOUTH, bitch! Get over
there and eat from your bowl!
(to Donner)
Mr. Donner, why in the name of God
fearing white America are you even
bothering to run? How many times
is this for you, three?
DONNER & WILLARD
Four.
HANNITY
I mean, come on... even Ralph Nader
thinks that you should throw in the
towel and he's the biggest election
whore there is!
DONNER
While I agree with you, Sean, that
Nader is a gigantic attention
whore, we must also look at what is
important in this election... and
that's FAMILY VALUES!!!
Lightning strike.
COLMS
Family Values?
Hannity threatens to backhand Colms who runs back to his food
bowl in terror.
DONNER
That's right, Family Values.
There's too much violence on TV
today and I don't think that's
what...
(he turns to the camera)
...Jesus would want.
Willard looks at him.
DONNER
Also, rap music is too explicit,
video gams are too graphic, there's
porno on the internet, and I love
God and Jesus.
Donner takes out a crucifix and hugs it and then wraps
himself in the American Flag.
INT. TEXAS
A family is watching TV.
DAD
You know, I like that Donner guy.
Now if he would just say something
incendiary about the Mexicans to
appeal to my latent racist side.
DONNER
(On TV)
Also, we've got to do something
about immigration!
DAD
He's got my vote!
MOM
Me too!
SON
I like Obama!
DAD
GO TO YOUR ROOM, QUEER!
INT. FOX NEWS STUDIOS
Hannity is raping Colms as Donner continues to speak.
DONNER
Have I mentioned my stance on
abortion? It's evil and if you get
knocked up, it's the government's
job to MAKE you have that baby.
Also, let's talk about this Public
TV. Too liberal! They need their
funding cut!
INT. UTAH
A Mormon family is watching television.
MORMON DAD
I don't know about you, but this
Donner guy is really appealing to
me!
MORMON MOM #1
Me too!
MORMON MOM #2
Me too!
MORMON MOM #3
Me too!
MORMON MOM #4
Me too!
MORMON MOM #5
My water just broke!
MORMON MOM #6
Mine too!
INT. FOX NEWS STUDIOS
Colms is pinned up against the wall with a gigantic sword as
Hannity masturbates to crime photos.
DONNER
...and finally, terrorism. 9/11.
Osama Bin Laden. Boogeyman!
Patriotism! Ronald Reagan!
Donner stands and salutes an American Flag that unfurls in
front of him.
WILLARD
(Faceplants)
You are an evil ,evil man.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE
President ARNOLD SHWARTZENAGGER is sitting at his desk with
his vice president, TOM ARNOLD.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
I can tell you somezing Vice
President Tom Arnold... It has
been a veird presidency, but I am
glad to be getting back to zee
Hollywood and the endless groping
of zee boobies.
TOM ARNOLD
Hey, that's great and once again,
Mr. President, let me thank you for
this great opportunity you gave me
after Vice President Robert Patrick
came down with that serious case of
broken neck.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
SILENCE!!! Vhen I get back to zee
Hollywood, I vill shtart making zee
violent movies again and make
millions of dolla's! I sick zee
first movie I make will be...
TURMINATA' FOUR!!!
TOM ARNOLD
Terminator 4?
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
TURMINATA' FOUR!!!
TOM ARNOLD
They're already making it.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
WHAT!?
TOM ARNOLD
Yeah, it's got that guy who played
Batman.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
Am I in it?
A beat.
TOM ARNOLD
Have you been filming part time
when you're not here?
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
No.
TOM ARNOLD
Then... no, you're not in it.
Arnold stares blankly, then brushes away a tear. He then
reaches over and twists Tom Arnold's head completely around,
breaking his neck and killing him.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
I WILL KILL ADAM WEST FOR THIS
BETRAYAL JUST AS I KILLED DAH
JOKA'! CURSE CHEW BATMAN!!!
INT. THE SMITHSONIAN
COSMIC WEASEL is standing in front of the portrait of George
Washington with LUNA and DEVOUR.
COSMIC WEASEL
George Washington, the first
president of the United States of
America and one of America's
founding fathers.
LUNA
Wow.
COSMIC WEASEL
It wasn't an easy road for George
Washington. He was a man who had
to move on up... from the East side
no less. But he did and he got
that deluxe apartment in the sky.
Yes, that is a man who got a piece
of that pie.
LUNA
What pie?
COSMIC WEASEL
Please hold all questions until the
end of the tour.
They walk over to Ben Franklin.
LUNA
Who's this?
COSMIC WEASEL
Who's this? WHO IS THIS!? This,
cupcake, is Ben Franklin, the man
who was visited by three ghosts on
Christmas Eve who taught him to be
a giving man instead of the old
miserly bastard he was.
LUNA
Ooooooh.
They walk over to a picture of John F. Kennedy.
LUNA
What is he famous for doing?
COSMIC WEASEL
Marilyn Monroe.
They walk over to Richard Nixon.
COSMIC WEASEL
This is a porn star known as
"Tricky Dick." He starred in a
movie called Deep Throat.
LUNA
This is fine and good, Cos, but I
need to know how the American
government works!
COSMIC WEASEL
I've got just the man for that.
EXT. THE SMITHSONIAN
BILL CLINTON is playing Saxophone on the front steps when
Luna and Cosmic Weasel walk to to him. Clinton has a hat out
on the step where he is collecting money.
COSMIC WEASEL
Luna, may I introduce you to Bill
Clinton, former president of the
United States.
Bill Clinton stops playing and kisses Luna's hand.
BILL CLINTON
Enchanted pretty lady.
COSMIC WEASEL
Mr. President, my wife here wants
to learn about how the United
States Government works.
BILL CLINTON
Why of course.
He plays the sax and starts to sing.
BILL CLINTON
I'm just a Bill. Yeah I'm only a
Bill and I'm saxing up whoever I
will! So you wanna know more 'bout
how the government works, about
it's machinations insides and all
its little quirks. Well baby come
along and get beside me! We are
gonna see more than you bargained
for so much so that your body will
be sore - from learning! Come on!
Bill Clinton picks up Luna and they take off on a rainbow.
Devour looks at Cosmic Weasel and grumbles.
COSMIC WEASEL
What?
EXT. THE SKY
Bill Clinton is suddenly dressed as a hippy and has a doobie
in his mouth. Purple Haze by Jimmy Hendrix plays.
LUNA
Mr. Clinton, I'm not comfortable
with this.
BILL CLINTON
Relax, baby. I'm about to teach
your brains out.
EXT. THE CAPITAL
Bill Clinton and Luna land.
BILL CLINTON
This is the US Capitol. The
government of this great nation is
divided up into three branches.
This is the Legislative Branch -
the Senate and the House of
Representatives. They are chosen
to represent the people of an area
or state in the workings of the
government so that each state and
population is represented equally.
A rainbow flashes by. Suddenly, Clinton and Luna are by...
EXT. THE SUPREME COURT
BILL CLINTON
The Judicial Branch is made of the
Supreme Court. Appointed by the
president and approved by the House
and Senate, these people determine
laws and if they are followed
correctly and fairly - all by
interpreting the constitution.
The rainbow slides by. Now we are in front of...
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE
BILL CLINTON
Finally, we have the Executive
Branch - the President of the
United States, chosen every four
years in a citizen's sacred duty to
determine the course of this
nation. It is the president's job
to lead the nation and to be a
symbol of peace and hope for the
future.
LUNA
We haven't been getting a lot of
THAT lately.
BILL CLINTON
True, there have been some stains
on the office - I should know, I
made a few of them myself. But the
ability of a country this powerful
to allow its citizens the right to
determine who leads it is amazing.
We should all be grateful for it.
LUNA
You're right, Hillary Clinton's
husband!
The United States is a great place
with a great government! Sure, we
might have elected some tremendous
boneheads, but the future is always
bright!
The White House explodes in a bright white fireball. Arnold
Shwartzenagger erupts from the flames holding a pair of Uzis
and firing them into the air with impunity.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
COME AND FACE ME, ADAM WEST! COME
SO DAT I MIGHT KILL YOU!!!
Arnold runs off. Luna face plants as Clinton takes a huff of
his joint and floats away in a cloud. Cosmic Weasel walks
up.
COSMIC WEASEL
So, what did you learn?
(a beat)
Do you smell weed?
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
Stuff is blowing up and buildings are being toppled.
INT. WOLFMAN'S QUARTERS
WOLFMAN is lying in bed with his hands behind his head.
Sarah Palin is cuddled up next to him. She reaches over and
picks up Obama's book, "The Audacity of Hope" off of the
bedstand.
PALIN
Hey, you're not really a
Republican.
WOLFMAN
You're not really a pit bull.
IVY walks in with MAX on her hip.
IVY
Wolfie, did you take Max's Raffi
record again? I know you love the
banana phone song, but- AGH!
She hides her eyes. Palin leaps out of the bed wearing a
bikini and sash that said MISS ALASKA RUNNER UP.
PALIN
Oh my lordie jeeze, aren't you just
a darling baby! Good for you not
having an abortion!
IVY
I wouldn't think of it. Max is my
special little man. His father
died shortly before I found out I
was pregnant.
PALIN
Oh, that's so sad. Come on,
sweetheart, let's go talk about
your pain and why you should vote
for me.
IVY
You mean McCain?
PALIN
Whatever.
She shoves Max into Wolfman's arms. Wolfman looks at him and
watches the ladies leave.
INT. IVY'S QUARTERS
IVY and PALIN are in bed together.
PALIN
So, can I count on your support
now?
Ivy thinks about it.
IVY
I would, but I'm not a citizen so I
can't vote.
PALIN
Gosh darn it to heck!
INT. COLOSSAL CHUNK'S LAB
Colossal Chunk is working on something in a beaker as JOE
BIDEN hovers over him.
BIDEN
You know... Albert Einstein used to
work as a patent clerk when he was
researching the secret recipe for
coca cola back when Jefferson was
being sworn in.
Colossal Chunk looks at him.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Man funny!
BIDEN
Huh?
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Huh? Uh... I mean, you're annoying
me. Go away!
BIDEN
Fine, I'll go away! Just like Mary
Lou Retton did when they said a
black woman couldn't be president
of Venus! I'm going!
(a beat)
Incidentally, are you a registered
voter?
COLOSSAL CHUNK
I'm Austrian.
BIDEN
Oh... GOODDAY, MATE!
Colossal Chunk looks at him.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
I hate you.
INT. THE MALL
DONNER is speaking in front of the Washington monument.
Willard is standing with him. There is a very sizable crowd
around him.
DONNER
...and so I say, my fellow
Americans, patriotism nine-eleven
World Trade Center terrorists
internet porn and violence on
television! Unless you want to
die, ELECT ME!!!
Everyone applauds. Cosmic Weasel and Luna walk up to
Willard.
COSMIC WEASEL
Hello Willard.
WILLARD
Why do you insist on blowing my
cover in public?
COSMIC WEASEL
Fat chance! Didn't George Michaels
get arrested for that?
Willard sighs.
WILLARD
What do you two want?
COSMIC WEASEL
I'm here to introduce Luna to the
concept of free elections.
LUNA
We've had free elections on
Kirbylee for three hundred years!
That's LONGER than America!
COSMIC WEASEL
Quiet, Pumpkin.
WILLARD
Well, if you're here to get a
handle on how to run an election,
you're in the right place. Donner
has figured out how to harness the
power of American fear and
xenophobia and is actually pulling
decent numbers. I don't even know
why he needs me here.
Donner is still making with the speech.
DONNER
...and my running mate, Willard Van
Der Poof! All the money and power
of John McCain and fifty percent
blacker than Barack Obama! Vote
for him and you can be conservative
and NOT racist!
The crowd cheers.
DONNER
FAMILY VALUES, TERRORISM, FEAR, AND
PATRIOTISM!
The crowd cheers louder.
DONNER
PUPPIES, KITTENS, AND AMERICAN
GLADIATOR!
The crowd cheers louder.
DONNER
BOOKS!
The cheering stops.
DONNER
Uh... LIKE THE BIBLE!
The crowd is cheering so loud that they are beating each
other with folding chairs. One woman orgasms.
DONNER
(Aside to Willard, Cos,
and Luna)
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
COSMIC WEASEL
You're a bad man.
Suddenly, pagers on all of their hips go off. They check
them.
WILLARD
Justice Squad Emergency!
COSMIC WEASEL
Level twelve threat!
DONNER
Cool, you guys go on and I'll just
finish up here.
LUNA
Level twelve means all of us.
DONNER
Nothing can drag me from this
podium.
Devour walks up, grabs Donner by the seat of his pants and
carries him away.
DONNER (O.C.)
When I'm president, you're off the
endangered species list and on the
menu, you green bas-
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
ARNOLD SHWARTZENAGGER is destroying the city.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
HOW DARE YOU, ADAM WEST!? HOW DARE
YOU MAKE TERMINATOR MOVIE WITHOUT
ME! I KILL YOU ALL!!!
He fires into the sky, shooting down three bald eagles, a jet
liner, and a giraffe.
INT. AN ALLEY
Willard, Donner, Cos, and Luna are running down an alley.
Devour is behind them.
COSMIC WEASEL
Apparently, Arnold Shwartzenagger
is going crazy and destroying the
city.
WILLARD
What? Why?
COSMIC WEASEL
Because he found out they made
Terminator 4 without him.
DONNER
I'd be pissed too if I were him. I
mean, he made that franchise.
COSMIC WEASEL
All the same, it's time to suit up.
DONNER
I hate this superhero bit.
Donner takes his cane and hits it on the ground producing a
blue light which envelops him transforming him into QUASAR.
He wears a black leather jacket like M'ax used to, but
retains his skin tone and has a blue mask. His cane extends
to the full length of the cosmic stick.
DONNER
I HAVE THE POWER!!!
LUNA
You have the what?
Willard is hopping on one leg trying to put his Nightflyer
pants costume on. They all look at him as he falls down and
crashes into some trash cans.
COSMIC WEASEL
We've got to get him a new way of
changing clothes. He always slows
us down!
DONNER
Like that ring that had that
compact version of his costume in
it? That took two years of
expensive R&D and he lost it on
that date of his.
LUNA
(Thinks)
Yeah, that's about the time John
Barrowman started to walk so funny.
NIGHTFLYER leaps to his feet, fully dressed.
NIGHTFLYER
READY!
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
SQUAD WING ONE rockets overhead.
INT. SQUAD WING ONE
CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, WOLFMAN, JACK, COLOSSAL CHUNK, BIPPO,
and IVY are on the plane. A SARAH PALIN is flying the plane
as JOE BIDEN is serving as a flight attendant.
ULTRAWOMAN
What we're facing here is a level
twelve threat.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
My God, that's a level higher than
a level eleven!
ULTRAWOMAN
Shwartzenagger is psychotic and
addicted to power. He's tasted the
sweet nectar of ruling America and
now he doesn't want to give it up.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Seems like a very large
supposition. How do you know that?
ULTRAWOMAN
Have you looked out the window?
They look out the window. The path of destruction spells out
"I'VE TASTED THE SWEET NECTAR OF RULING AMERICA AND I DON'T
WANT TO GIVE IT UP (AAAAUUUUuuuUUuuUUuUUUUgh!)"
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Ask a stupid question...
ULTRAWOMAN
We'll hit him in teams. Heavy
Hitters will directly attack,
weapons specialists will attack
from afar, and wimps will see to
the safety of bystanders.
JACK
(Silently)
That's right, Bippo, and since
you're all pro-life now, you can't
kill anyone! Suck on that!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Oh, I'll suck on that if that is
the sweet juicy sticky fluid of
victory for when I win this bet,
Jackie Boy!
PALIN
May I just make a teensy weensy
suggestion?
ULTRAWOMAN
No, you can't! I'm sick as f*ck
with the two of you!
PALIN
Actually, I was going to say that I
see a very beautiful H3 Hummer out
the window.
ULTRAWOMAN
Who gives a...
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
The Hummer crashes into the jet and knocks it out of the air.
It goes in for a crash landing.
INT. SQUAD WING ONE
Everyone inside is tumbling like they're in a drier. Palin
and Biden are strapped in.
BIDEN
I told you that the Hummer is an
ecologically unfriendly vehicle
just like I told Teddy Roosevelt
when he founded that greatest of
national parks... Six Flags.
PALIN
Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go
again! There's no proven link
between emissions and global
warming! Why, I bet the Lord is
just huggin' us a little tighter!
CAPEMAN
CAN WE CRASH NOW!?
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
The jet is about to crash when it suddenly gets caught in a
tornado and is gently lowered to the ground. The jet sits
peacefully down as COSMIC WEASEL runs around it.
LUNA
Cos, you did it!
Cos stops, looks dizzy, give a thumbs up, and then falls
over. Donner, Nightflyer, and Luna open the jet and let the
rest of the Squad out.
NIGHTFLYER
Is everyone all right?
ULTRAWOMAN
NO! They won't stop talking!
Palin and Biden get out.
DONNER
Them? Oh, they're easy to get rid
of. Observe.
(Points)
Say, isn't that an undecided voter
over there?
Biden's pupils dilate. Palin foams at the mouth and growls.
They both run after a man wearing clothes three sizes too
small, picking his nose.
UNDECIDED VOTER
DURP! I'M AN IDIOT!!!
Biden and Palin tackle him.
EXT. WASHINGTON DC
Shwartzenagger continues to rampage. He is eating a mime
whole when Justice Squad finds him.
ULTRAWOMAN
Shwartzenagger, stands down or be
destroyed!
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
JUSTICE SQUAD! Chew vill not stop
me from KILLING Adam West!
WOLFMAN
Oh, now come on! What did Adam
West ever do to you?
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
He stole my movie from me and now I
will take this country from all of
you!
ULTRAWOMAN
Not if we have anything to say
about it! Justice Squad, Att-
MCCAIN
NOT SO FAST!
Everyone looks. JOHN McCAIN and BARACK OBAMA are standing at
the end of the street. Both of them are rolling up their
sleeves.
OBAMA
We'll handle this.
LUNA
Who the F**K are you guys?
MCCAIN
I'm John McCain.
OBAMA
I'm Barack Obama.
MCCAIN
And together, we will end this un
American menace.
(Aside)
Even though I believe that Arnold
Shwartzenagger is a fine American
and a model Republican.
Shwartzenagger bites the head off of a kitten and drinks the
blood.
OBAMA
It's our turn to save this great
country! Nothing you do or say can
stop us.
They look. Justice Squad is sitting in chairs eating
popcorn.
WOLFMAN
No, please, go right ahead.
Obama and McCain run up to Shwartzenagger.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
Do you two little girlie mans think
that you can actually beat me?
OBAMA
Yes... We... CANNNNN!!!!
Shwartzenagger is thrown back in a white hot sonic explosion.
McCain leaps into the air and pounds him over the head with a
walker. Shwartzenagger slaps him out of the way.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
Vhat I do to him I going to do to
you, Obama!
OBAMA
(Going black)
BITCH, who you THINK you TALKIN'
TO!!!
Obama smashes a pimp's cane up against Shwartzenagger's face.
McCain zooms by in a motorized wheelchair and knocks him to
the ground. McCaine staggers out of the chair.
MCCAIN
We can't keep this up for long.
OBAMA
I know! I've already used all of
my reserve blackness on that one
punch! What manner of beast is he?
Shwartzenagger rises to his feet.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
You vant to know who my favorite
actor is? BOMB DeLUISE!!!
Shwartzenagger holds up several VHS copies of Eraser, Batman
and Robin, Junior, and End of Days. He throws them and they
explode throwing the two candidates backwards.
OBAMA
John, we have to put partisan
politics behind us!
MCCAIN
Join forces?
OBAMA
It's either that or this great
country falls.
MCCAIN
All right then. Let's do it!
They join hands and, with a great flash of light, transform
into a half-Obama, half-McCain man - the COMPOSITE
McCAIN/OBAMA!!!
COMPOSITE MCCAIN/OBAMA
NOW WE WILL END THIS!
Donner stands.
DONNER
All right, I'm out.
ULTRAWOMAN
What? You can't leave!
There is an explosion.
DONNER
The hell I can't! Come on, I work
with a werewolf, a clown, and a gay
man in tights. I've seen some
pretty stupid things in my day, but
this is the most ri-goddamn
diculous thing I have seen EVER!
JACK
Worst than space mice?
DONNER
FAR WORSE!
Another explosion.
NIGHTFLYER
I hate to say it, but he's right.
This is just... stupid! I mean,
look at this! A republican and
democrat joining forces for the
common good? What is this, science
fiction?
DONNER
Good man, Nightflyer. Let's go and
win us an election!
They walk off.
IVY
Can the rest of us leave to?
Another explosion.
OBAMA (O.C.)
This isn't working! Lets bring in
Bill Ayers!
BILL AYERS (O.C.)
ALL RIGHT, LET'S BLOW SOME
MOTHERF**KING STUFF UP!!!
A massive explosion.
ULTRAWOMAN
(Winces)
Yeah, I don't think we're needed
here. Come on, let's go.
Everyone gets up and leaves. Jack and Bippo stay behind.
JACK
At least it's more entertaining
than the debates.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Guess what I didn't do today.
JACK
Shower or use deodorant?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Yes... but also, I didn't kill
anyone. I'm well on my way to
winning the bet!
JACK
Yeah, another two weeks and it's
all you, buddy.
Jack walks off.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Two weeks? No problem!
Another explosion. Bippo starts to cry.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
ACH! MINE MASSIVE BALLS!!!
FADE TO:
INT. A COURTHOUSE
LUNA, DEVOUR, and several other immigrants are being sworn in
as citizens.
CROWD
...so help me God.
Everyone cheers.
JUDGE
I now declare you all citizens of
the United States of America!
Cosmic Weasel is suddenly there hugging her.
COSMIC WEASEL
I'm so proud of you, Luna!
LUNA
Thanks, Jesse. I have to admit, I
was hesitant to become a citizen
but now it feels pretty good. So
good, as a matter of fact, that I'm
not going to beat the piss out of
you for giving me all of that
retarded information. Thank
goddess that Devour let me cheat
off of him.
Devour winks.
COSMIC WEASEL
So, now that you're one of us what
do you want to do?
Luna pulls him close to her.
LUNA
Oh, I have an idea...
EXT. A POLLING LOCATION
Lines of people are waiting to vote. Luna, Devour, and
Cosmic Weasel are there as well.
COSMIC WEASEL
Damn... here I thought you were
talking about sex.
LUNA
What do you think I'm planning on
doing in the voting booth
afterward? Let's just say... no
chad will be left hanging.
COSMIC WEASEL
I love me some democracy.
Donner and Willard are shaking hands in front of the court
house.
DONNER
We've got them licked, Willard.
WILLARD
Insert witty gay remark here.
Obama and McCain walk up with Biden and Palin.
OBAMA
Well, whatever happens, we just
wanted to say good luck to all of
you.
MCCAIN
I echo that comment, you socialist
cretin.
WILLARD
Where the hell have you guys been?
MCCAIN
What do you mean? We've been
fighting Shwartzenagger for the
last two weeks.
DONNER
Really? How did that go?
OBAMA
We lost half the East Coast.
DONNER
Good then?
Justice Squad walks up.
ULTRAWOMAN
I think we're loosing sight of how
important this election is.
DONNER
What are you guys doing here?
ULTRAWOMAN
We came to vote, sh*thead.
JOE THE PLUMBER walks up.
JOE THE PLUMBER
That's right... Voting is our
number one responsibility.
EVERYONE
JOE THE PLUMBER!
CAPEMAN
I thought you were a myth.
JOE THE PLUMBER
No, I'm as real as you.
CAPEMAN
No, that there is honestly a
plumber that makes a quarter of a
million dollars a year!
ULTRAWOMAN
Shut it, everyone! What I'm trying
to say here is that this is an
important election! The color,
gender, and age barrier has been
completely broken! This is the
dawn of tomorrow and years from
now, when your grandchildren ask
you about this day, you can say
that you helped by doing your
sacred duty.
DONNER
That's right, everyone, over here!
Look, before you go in there and
vote I've got it all! I'm young
and vivacious, conservative, and
Willard is black! Black! That
means that I love beaners!
PALIN
Oh, yes, but you haven't broken
that gender barrier like John and I
have!
DONNER
I kind of did. I mean, he IS gay.
Silence.
DONNER
What?
All of Donner's supporters leave.
DONNER
HEY! Where are you all going!
WILLARD
(Sadly)
I guess some barriers just aren't
ready to be broken.
DONNER
NO! I WAS SO CLOSE! Willard, go
do Ivy right now! Stop being gay!
WILLARD
I can no more stop being gay than
you can stop being an asshole.
DONNER
Then I guess this is it for attempt
number four.
WOLFMAN
Don't feel bad. 2012 isn't that
far off and, since it's supposed to
be the end of the world and all,
you'll have a shot!
DONNER
Hey, you're right!
Donner takes off his DONNER/POOF 2008 shirt revealing a
DONNER 2012 shirt.
COSMIC WEASEL
How did you...?
DONNER
Please, I was running with a gay
republican. Even I didn't really
think I was going to win.
CHIP BEAVERMILK walks up with a camera.
CHIP BEAVERMILK
So, Justice Squad, are you ready to
make a statement?
ULTRAWOMAN
I told you, we're not endorsing
anyone for...
CHIP BEAVERMILK
Oh, come on! The polls are almost
closed and it's not like you're
going to influence anyone! Who did
you vote for?
Bippos watch beeps. He looks at it.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
TIME! That's thirty days, Jack!
Time to pay up!
JACK
What?
BIPPO THE CLOWN
I won the bet! No killing for
thirty days! I win and now I get
to hurt you.
JACK
(Reluctant)
A bet is a bet, I guess, and I know
you haven't killed anyone because
of the spy spells I've been using.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
I played a lot of Dead Rising on
the X-Box.
JACK
Well, even though I'm about to be
caused severe pain, I'm proud of
you.
BIPPO THE CLOWN
Eat your pride, my little plum.
You now have a choice... in one
hand I have a spiked steel toed
boot that I will kick into your
groin with over a thousand pounds
of force. In the other, I hold a
twelve inch titanium drill-do
donated to me by a Mr. John
Barrowman.
WILLARD
He gave you the titanium tornado?
That was a Christmas gift!
BIPPO THE CLOWN
What will it be, Jack? What will
it be?
JACK
I won't lie to you, Bippo, they're
both going to hurt... but I've
learned something today that
sometimes as adults we have to make
tough decisions because its our
obligation. Sometimes, the options
are limited and neither sounds
great, but it's our duty to at
least pick the one that will be
slightly less painful and do the
least damage until a new option
comes along.
A beat.
ULTRAWOMAN
Yeah, that's our statement right
there. You can quote him on that.
OBAMA
And remember, whether you want to
vote for this ill-tempered ancient
jackass...
MCCAIN
...or this inexperienced token
celebrity...
OBAMA
...do your part.
EVERYONE
...Vote!
Everyone cheers as red white and blue balloons drift into the
air. Bippo runs up and kicks Jack in the junk as hard as he
can. Jack falls to the ground coughing.
CUT TO:
EXT. GUITANAMO BAY, CUBA
Establishing shot.
INT. A JAIL CELL
ARNOLD SHWARTZENAGGER is sitting in a cell.
PRESIDENT SHWARTZENAGGER
All I wanted to do was rule and
ignore the constitution! What was
so wrong about that!
DICK CHENY and GEORGE W. BUSH is in the next cell.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Tell me about it.
GUARD (O.C.)
All right, who's ready for a cock
meat sandwich!
George W. Bush grabs Shwartzenagger's arm.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Don't take it! It's not really a
sandwich!
THE END!