SUBTITLE: THE PLANET KRAPTON
A beat.
SUBTITLE: (appears under first subtitle) It's spelled differently and we're willing to go to court to back that up.
The camera enters the atmosphere and in a very expensive special effect, zooms down and down and down and into a futuristic city. Finally, the camera zeroes in on a gigantic domed building.
SUBTITLE: THE KRAPTON SENATE INT. THE KRAPTON SENATE
In scene
resembling the senate scene from The Phantom Menace, a platform hovers
in the middle of the gigantic room. A lone figure stands on the platform
and addresses the masses. This is noted Kraptionian Scientist, JAYAR U'ING.
JAYAR
...and so, as you can see by the data I've
been collecting over the past five years,
our planet is undergoing enormous geological
upheavals! The vast amounts of Kraptonite
welling in our world's volcanoes will
eventually explode and the resulting chain
reaction will destroy Krapton! We must
evacuate and evacuate now! Thank you for
your time, President Klin'ton.
PRESIDENT KLIN'TON's platform hovers into the center of the senate
dome. He crashes into JAYAR's platform.
KLIN'TON
Oops. Sorry, let me just...
Klin'ton adjusts the stick shift and puts the platform in reverse.
The platform goes "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" as it backs away and let's Jayar's
platform drift away.
KLIN'TON
Thank you for your presentation, Doctor Jayar
U'ing. Now, let's hear from the head of the
Kraptionian development head, Senator Ed
Kin'Ed'Dee.
ED KIN'ED'DEE
This is absurd! If the news gets out of
our planet's impending destruction gets out,
all development deals on Kraption will dry up
overnight!
JAYAR
But... that's because the planet will explode!
KLIN'TON
...and now we will hear from the head of
our tourist industry, Ross Pee'roe.
ROSS PEE'ROE
If news of this whole destruction of the
planet gits out, the Kraptonian tourist trade
will crash through the floor!
JAYAR
But the PLANET will be destroyed!
ROSS PEE'ROE
Kin ah finish!? Kin ah finish!?
KLIN'TON
Doctor Jayar! Let Senator Pee'roe finish!
ROSS PEE'ROE
Lahk ah said, the trade will crash through
the floor! The economy will loose billions
of dollars!
JAYAR
The planet will be DESTROYED, you imbecile!
ROSS PEE'ROE
Kin ah finish!? KIN AH FINISH!?
Everyone shuts up and looks at him.
ROSS PEE'ROE
Okay, ah'm finished.
KLIN'TON
Finally, we will hear from the largest
anti-science organization on the planet,
The Flat Krapton Society.
JAYAR
The WHAT!?
KLIN'TON
Senator Pat Buke'an'an. You have the floor.
PAT BUKE'AN'AN
Jayar U'ing is a big stupid doo-doo head!
And this science stuff is for four-eyed
nerds. Let us stick to the medieval dogma
that has ruled our society for thousands
and thousands of years!
JAYAR
Gah! This is impossible! Don't you people
realize that the coming explosion will wipe out
every living thing on the planet!? Everyone and
everything in our civilization will die!
KLIN'TON
Doctor Jayar has a point! We cannot sit idly by
as our entire civilization the destroyed. All
those in favor to pass the bill to start a full-
fledged evacuation of Krapton say...
NICKS'ON
Excuse me, Mister President.
KLIN'TON
The chair recognizes Senator Ri'churd Nicks'on.
NICKS'ON
I wish to tack on a bill supporting the perverted
arts.
KLIN'TON
Very well. All those in favor of supporting the
evacuation/perverted arts bill say aye.
There is silence sans for a cricket chirping.
KLIN'TON
All opposed?
EVERYONE
NAY!
JAYAR
Oy gavolt!
EXT. A CITY ON KRAPTON
The camera flies through the buildings before finally zooming in on
a streamlined and futuristic house in one of those really expensive CGI
shots.
INT. THE HOUSE
Jayar enters the house and throws down his jacket. His wife, Muh'Don'Ah,
walks up to him.
MUH'DON'AH
How did it go, honey? Did the Senate listen to you?
JAYAR
Oh, Muh'don'ah... they listened all right, but the
bureaucrats have the evacuation bundled up in so much red tape
that they should have the planet evacuated three years after
it explodes.
MUH'DON'AH
Oh... then everything's okay then! Dinner's on the table!
Muh'don'ah skips into the next room. Jayar follows.
JAYAR
Muh'don'ah, I don't think you...
Suddenly, Jayar's assistant, TOE'DEE, enters carrying a stack of papers.
TOE'DEE
Doctor U'ing! Doctor U'ing!
JAYAR
What the...!? Toe'dee, how did you get in here?
TOE'DEE
Oh, your wife gave me a key.
Muh'don'ah blows Toe'dee a kiss. Toe'dee licks his lips and smiles
at her.
JAYAR
Are you here for some reason?
TOE'DEE
Oh yeah! I ran your calculations through the computer again
and came out with these results.
He hands the papers to Jayar.
JAYAR
Good God! According to these results, Krapton is going to
blow up in one hour... not one year!
MUH'DON'AH
Oh no! I'm going to miss As Krapton Turns!
JAYAR
Muh'don'ah, you know what we said we'd do if it came to this.
Remember?
A blank look washes over Muh’don’ah’s face.
MUH'DON'AH
Uhhhhhhhh... No.
Jayar rolls his eyes.
JAYAR
We said that we would put our newborn baby son, Kuh'lark Kint,
into a rocket and shoot him to that primitive Earth planet
where he could grow strong and safely and perhaps don a
spandex costume and fight evil in some way...
MUH'DON'AH
Ah... so he could be a man... and what more, a super kind of
man. A super man, if you will.
JAYAR
Uh-Huh. I think you got it.
INT. THE LAUNCH ROOM
Jayar and Muh'don'ah enter will little baby Kuh'lark.
JAYAR
The neighbors said I was a fool for turning the guest room
into a rocket launch bay! Well, who feels foolish now!?
Muh'don'ah puts Kuh'lark into the rocket.
MUH'DON'AH
Oh, Jayar... do you think he'll be safe on Earth?
JAYAR
Safer than he will be here when the explosion of Krapton
vaporizes all of us into a cinder. The concussive first wave of
the blast cooking our outer epidermis while leaving our body's
nerve clusters still firing and relaying the excruciating pain
to our brain... a pain unimaginable and never-ending even so
that the sweet embrace of death won't be enough to soothe our
agony
MUH'DON'AH
Wow... hurting sucks. Let's just take moment time to look one
last time on the face of our beloved baby...
Jayar looks at the baby.
JAYAR
You know... I never noticed this before... but his eyes look
just like just like Toe'dee's!
MUH'DON'AH
Hee Hee... that's an amazing coincidence! Well! The moment's
over!
She quickly slams the rocket's door shut. They run over to the launch controls.
JAYAR
Not much time left. The planet will destroy itself in a
matter of minutes.
Jayar looks down at the red button that says "MAKE ROCKET GO" and then at Muh'don'ah. She looks at him and places her hand in his. Together, they press the button.
EXT. JAYAR'S HOUSE - SFX SHOT
The rocket blasts off and into the sky.
INT. THE LAUNCH BAY
Jayar and Muh'don'ah are looking up into the sky. Both of them are
black and burned by the rocket's exhaust.
MUH'DON'AH
Good-bye, Kluh'lark.
JAYAR
Good bye, son.
Toe'dee enters carrying another computer printout.
TOE'DEE
Good news, folks! It turns out that Jayar misplaced a decimal
and Krapton isn't going to blow up after all! Isn't that
great!?
Jayar and Muh'don'ah look at Toe'dee and then up into the gaping hole in the roof.
TOE'DEE
Guys?
The camera begins to zoom out of the rocket bay through the hole in the roof.
TOE'DEE
Guys?
The camera zooms out even farther. Out of the planet's atmosphere and into space. Krapton becomes a small blue dot as we zoom past the rocket carrying little Kuh'lark to Earth. The opening credits begin to roll as we follow the rocket's journey through space and the music of a swinging big band is heard.
SLIGHTLY WARPED PICTURES PRESENT
AN ALAN SMITHEE PRODUCTION
OF AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM
CAPEMAN
THE MOVIE
STARRING CAPEMAN
DIRECTED BY ALAN SMITHEE
As the final few credits roll, the rocket carrying baby Kuh'lark enters Earth's atmosphere and heads for Nevada.
EXT. A ROAD IN NEVADA – NIGHT
A pickup truck rolls down the road.
INT. THE PICKUP TRUCK
We see that MISTER HILTER is driving and listening to John Denver
over the 8-Track player. Suddenly, there is a white flash of light
and he slams on his brakes.
HILTER
What the hell!?
EXT. THE ROAD
Mister Hilter's truck screeches to a halt and he gets out and looks
around.
HILTER
What the hell was...? Oh my goodness!
The camera pans over to a crashed rocket ship on the ground. Hilter
runs over to it.
HILTER
Hello? Hello?
VOICE
Over here, Mister Hilter.
Hilter goes towards the voice and finds a red-skinned alien in a green
and black suit with a strange circular symbol on his chest.
ALIEN
Come closer, Mister Hilter. I am the Green Lantern of space sector
2814. I am dying... YOU have been chosen as my successor.
This ring... take it. It will...
Suddenly, a smaller rocket ship crashes into the first rocket ship smushing
the alien. Hilter looks up in the sky for a little while making sure
that nothing else is going to come crashing down and then walks up to the
smaller ship. He opens it and sees little baby Kuh'lark. Sweet
music plays. A smile crosses Hilter's face as he picks the baby up.
HILTER
Well, hello there. Hello little guy.
Hilter tickles the baby's tummy and the baby grasps Hilter's finger.
HILTER
Look at you. Where did you come from? You... You're like
the son I never had. You're like... a gift from God.
CUT TO:
GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Mister Hilter puts the baby on the front step, rings the doorbell,
and then runs away. A nun opens the door, looks around, picks up
the baby, and closes the door.
FADE TO BLACK
SUBTITLE: TEN YEARS LATER...
FADE IN
EXT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
Several children are playing in the laughably constructed playground,
which is actually a bunch of old, tires and two-by-fours. The camera
pans over all this and finally zooms in on one lone child sitting underneath
a tree. This is YOUNG CAPEMAN. A couple of bullies, BUTCH and
EARL walk up to him.
BUTCH
Well, lookie who we got here, Earl. It's little John Doe.
EARL
Yeah, Butch, looks like it's little Joe Doe all right!
BUTCH
Ready for your weekly beating, John Doe?
Young Capeman rises to his feet and faces the bullies.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
You two shouldn't be so mean to me. I mean, sure... I may be
small now, but I'm getting stronger and stronger and one day, you guys
are going to be sorry you ever picked on me, by golly! Why, one
day
soon! I may be picking on you!
Butch and Earl look at each other and then proceed to beat the ever-loving crap out of our prepubescent hero.
INT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
A nun, SISTER BROTHERS, is applying first aid to Young Capeman's bruised
and swollen face.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Why do they all have to be so mean to me?
SISTER BROTHERS
Could be because you’re a weird kid that nobody likes... but that's
just my opinion.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Sister Brothers, you were the one who found me on the doorstep, right?
SISTER BROTHERS
That's right. I remember it as though it was ten years ago.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
It was ten years ago.
SISTER BROTHERS
That would explain it then. Yes, John, you were bundled up in
a little white blanket on the front step... we never found out
where
you came from or who your parents are.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
But there must have been something... ANYTHING! Was there
a note? A locket? A key? Anything with me?
SISTER BROTHERS
Well... No... only the blanket.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Oh... Well, where's the blanket?
SISTER BROTHERS
The what?
YOUNG CAPEMAN
The blanket, sister! The blanket I was found in! Don't
you have it?
SISTER BROTHERS
Blanket? Ah... I DO believe it's here somewhere.
Ah, here it is!
Sister Brothers walks over to a corner where a white toy poodle, POOPSIE,
is sleeping peacefully on a white blanket... now torn and tattered.
Sister Brothers takes the blanket, angering the poodle, which jumps to
its feet growing, and hands it to Young Capeman.
SISTER BROTHERS
There you go. Enjoy... that's your Christmas this year.
You should probably wash that thing... Poopsie was sick last night.
Young Capeman holds the blanket to his cheek.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
My only birthright... I'll treasure it always.
Poopsie jumps on the table and yanks the blanket away from him.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Hey! Come back here, you son of a bitch dog!
Young Capeman runs after the dog which takes off out the door.
EXT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
Young Capeman pursues Poopsie outdoors and into a nearby wooded area.
EXT. THE WOODS
Young Capeman tromps though the woods looking for Poopsie and his blanket.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
C'mere, Poopsie! Good doggie! Good good doggie!
He journeys deeper into the woods. The trees take on a darker
more sinister tone. Young Capeman gets visibly nervous. After
a few more minutes, Young Capeman spies Poopsie and his blanket.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
There you are! Gimmie that blanket!
Poopsie growls and snaps at Young Capeman. Young Capeman picks
up a stick.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Look at the stick! Look at the stick! Go get the stick,
boy! Go get it!
Young Capeman throws the stick off a nearby cliff. Poopsie jumps
off after it and, for the next few seconds, we hear the poodle's frantic
yips growing softer and softer until finally, we heard a soft thud.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Oops.
Young Capeman picks up the blanket and heads back to the orphanage.
JAYAR'S VOICE
Kuh'lark...
Young Capeman stops and looks around. He shrugs and keeps walking.
JAYAR'S VOICE
Kuh'lark...
Young Capeman stops.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Who... Who's there?
A few feet away, Jayar appears in a halo of white light. He looks
almost angelic.
JAYAR
Don't be afraid, my son.
Young Capeman stands there for a second, screams, and runs away in terror. Jayar slaps his forehead and vanishes.
INT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
Young Capeman comes running in and dives under a desk. Sister
Brothers looks down and sees the boy hiding under the blanket.
SISTER BROTHERS
Yes, John?
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Sister Brothers! It was horrible! Terrible!
SISTER BROTHERS
I know, honey. I saw Crocodile Dundee II.
The picture freezes
NARRATOR
[really fast]
This joke was written with the year 1988 in mind.
The picture unfreezes
YOUNG CAPEMAN
This angel appeared to me in the woods and told me not to be afraaaaaid!
SISTER BROTHERS
An angel? Well, that's a good sign, John.
Young Capeman climbs out from under the desk.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
It is?
SISTER BROTHERS
Yes. Seeing an angel means that there are good things in
store for you... either that or your a deranged psychopath whose hallucinations
will some day cause you to go totally bonkers and make you a menace
not
only to yourself, but to those around you... kind of like that Bippo
kid.
INSERT SHOT
A Young Bippo the Clown takes a pie and shoves it into a nun's face.
YOUNG BIPPO
Wokka! Wokka! Wokka!
Young Bippo runs away.
BACK TO YOUNG CAPEMAN AND SISTER BROTHERS
SISTER BROTHERS
...that boy's going to be nothing but trouble. You mark my word!
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Wow! Something good is coming my way!
At that moment, Poopsie limps into the room, looks at Young Capeman
and growls. The two of them stare at each other.
ADULT CAPEMAN (V.O.)
...and it was at that point that I made my first archenemy...
POOPSIE THE POODLE OF PANDEMONIUM!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
INT: A STUDIO
The fully-grown Capeman is sitting in a director's chair under a spotlight.
It looks a lot like Inside The Actor's Studio
CAPEMAN
Oh, let me tell you... that dog and I had some times! It was
shortly after that, that I was about to discover that I was far more
than
your normal average everyday John Doe. I took the blanket to
bed
with me that night...
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
All of the little children are snug in their beds.
CAPEMAN (V.O.)
...somehow, I felt that the blanket somehow connected me to the life
I never knew. Soon, however, I had to go tinkle...
Young Capeman gets out of bed and tiptoes to the bathroom. He
opens the door and standing there is the ghostly guise of Jayar.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
GAH!
JAYAR
Quiet! Don't scream again, okay? Look, I'm not going to
hurt you. Look! Look! Candy!
Jayar hold out several suckers and chocolate bars. Young Capeman
stops shaking.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Got any Reeses?
JAYAR
Pieces or peanut butter cups?
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Cups!
JAYAR
[holds them out]
Here.
Young Capeman goes to swipe the candy, but his hand passes right through
it.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
What the hell? HEY!
JAYAR
Sorry. The candy's not real.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
But you said...
JAYAR
I said it so you'd shut up and stop screaming, you wimp! Besides, you're
not supposed to take candy from a stranger anyway! God, I can't
believe
I fathered such a dense kid! You've got to be the biggest disappointment
since Martin Sheen fathered Charlie!
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Uh... what do you mean by that?
JAYAR
Well, you see... Charlie Sheen has a thing for Heidi Fleiss...
YOUNG CAPEMAN
No, no, no, no, no! I mean the whole fathering thing!
JAYAR
Oh... I'm your dad, kid.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
You're... my dad? What are you doing here now? Do you realize
that, with interests, you owe me 40 thousand dollars in back allowances!?
JAYAR
Not me! I'm not really here. I'm just an interactive holographic
projection with an AI database programmed with the real me's intelligence
and memory woven into the fabric of that blanket you were given today.
Young Capeman stares at him blankly.
JAYAR
[sighs]
It's magic, son.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Cool.
JAYAR
You’ve got my eyes and your mother’s brain. Kuh-lark... You've
grown so much. I--
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Who?
JAYAR
What?
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Who's Kuh-lark?
JAYAR
You.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Me?
JAYAR
You're Kuh-lark. That's your real name.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Yuck... I think I'll stick with John Doe.
JAYAR
Son, I think it's time you were told... You're not like...
other kids.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Oh god... I'm gay, aren't I?
JAYAR
I don't know... I haven't been watching you 24 hours a day, but I do
know this... You, my son, are the last surviving member of the planet
Krapton.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
But what about you?
JAYAR
What about me?
YOUNG CAPEMAN
You're from Krapton too.
JAYAR
Yeah, but I'm dead.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
But if you're dead, how can...
JAYAR
I'm not really your father.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Then who is?
JAYAR
Jayar U'ing!
YOUNG CAPEMAN
The guy on Dallas?
JAYAR
No, me!
YOUNG CAPEMAN
But you said you aren't my father!
JAYAR
I'm not... technically!
YOUNG CAPEMAN
You're confusing me!
JAYAR
[holds head in hands]
Okay... look... here's the deal, kid. You're from another planet...
you're the son of Jayar and Muh'don'ah--
YOUNG CAPEMAN
The slutty cone-bra singer?
JAYAR
No... shut up and pay attention! Now... you're from another
planet and, because of that, you're going to be different from the
other
kids.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Oh no... I am gay!
JAYAR
GAH! I give up! Look, here! There's a brochure in
the fibers of your blanket! Read it if you can read, you ignorant
little shit!
Jayar vanishes. The door opens and Sister Brothers enters.
SISTER BROTHERS
John? Sweetie? What are you doing in here? It's 3
in the morning! You do know that when you masturbate, all of
your
dead relatives are watching! Huh... kinda makes you wonder just
how
boring the afterlife is, huh?
YOUNG CAPEMAN
I'm... just going to bed.
He starts walking out the door.
SISTER BROTHERS
What a queer little boy.
Young Capeman hears this, screams, and runs away.
GRANNY GOODNESS' ORPHANAGE - THE KID'S BUNKS
Young Capeman runs into the darkened room and jumps into bed clutching
his blanket.
YOUNG CAPEMAN
This has been a weird day!
JAYAR'S VOICE
There's a brochure in the fibers of your blanket! Read it if
you can read, you ignorant little shit!
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Brochure? What's it about?
JAYAR'S VOICE
This is only your memory, son. I can't give you any additional
information.
Young Capeman tears open the blanket and picks up the brochure that falls out. He holds it up into the moonlight.
INSERT SHOT - THE BROCHURE
"So, you want to be a superhero?"
by Stan Lee
YOUNG CAPEMAN
Intrigued, he begins to read.
DISSOLVE TO:
LAS VEGAS, USA - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
High above the bustling Las Vegas strip.
SUBTITLE: TWELVE YEARS LATER
ANOTHER SUBTITLE: (THAT'S SEVENTY-TWO IN DOG YEARS)
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Tourists, residents, and hookers walk down the street when, suddenly,
a gigantic robotic Chinchilla breaks out from the sewers and begins to
step on and devour anyone it comes across.
INT. AN OFFICE
The chaos is being monitored on a television set.
CONNIE CHUNG
The massive killing spree unleashed by the killer robot Chinchilla
continues today in Las Vegas... the third consecutive day the mechanical
terror has reeked havoc on the city. This horrible, horrible
tragic incident will be pre-empted at seven to bring you Who Wants
to be
a Millionaire?
The camera pans backwards to reveal a woman sitting in a chair.
She turns to the camera revealing that she is SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS, Mistress
of Evil.
SENESTRA
Mecha-Chinchilla is performing perfectly, boys.
Move to reveal ROCK and TANK.
ROCK
D'ah... so, what are you gonna do with this robot bunny-hamster thing
that keeps tearing up the city?
SENESTRA
Why, I'm going to take over the world, Rock. Yes... world domination...
it's been my dream ever since I was a little Senestra Malevolous growing
up in Iowa and with Mecha-Chinchilla... that dream will become a reality!
She rises and goes to a large control station.
SENESTRA
The testing phase is complete! It's time for Mecha-Chinchilla
to spread it's wings!
TANK
It got wings?
SENESTRA
You know, Tank, if you were five... maybe six... that comment would
have been cute... but when you just said that, it made me want
to
hurt you.
She picks up a chair and smashes it on his head.
SENESTRA
There. I feel better. Now, for the benefit of the intellectually
impaired...
ROCK
[Whispers to Tank]
I think she's talking about us.
SENESTRA
To show the world that Mecha-Chinchilla is not just something disturbingly
cute and should be feared... I am going to destroy Las Vegas!
TANK
[getting up]
Destroy it?
SENESTRA
Every last casino, hotel, and whorehouse! Then, if I don't receive
total control of the planet after that, I will level Seattle... then
Vancouver...
then on to Denver... Mexico City... Houston... Chicago... New York...
then
Washington DC where I will load Mecha-Chinchilla on a cargo ship bound
for Europe where I will destroy Rome... Paris... London... and then
New
Jasper, a little town I visited once and didn't like. Yes...
the
world will soon have a new master and that master is I, Senestra Malevolous!
She picks up a microphone.
SENESTRA
Mecha-Chinchilla! Destroy! Destroy! DESTROY!!!!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Mecha-Chinchilla pauses during it's rampage as it receives new orders.
It's eyes flash red.
MECHA-CHINCHILLA
[monotone, mechanical voice]
DESTROY... DESTROY... DESTROY...
Mecha-Chinchilla begins to knock over buildings and fry everything and everyone in sight with it's eye-beams.
EXT. THE RIVIERA
Mecha-Chinchilla busts down a wall revealing several dozen female impersonators
doing a show.
BARBARA STRIESAND IMPERSONATOR
Oh my God! It's a monster!
JOAN RIVERS IMPERSONATOR
OH! OH! OH! Can we run?
She grabs the arm of JANET RENO.
JOAN RIVERS IMPERSONATOR
Come on, man!
JANET RENO
For the last time, I'm a woman! A woman!
JOAN RIVERS IMPERSONATOR
Yeah, and I'm one of the seven dwarfs!
JANET RENO
You make Reno angry! RENO SMASH!!! SMASH!!!
Reno will break into your house in the middle of the night and STEAL
YOUR
CHILDREN!!!
Mecha-Chinchilla blasts away another wall. Reno and the Female
Impersonators run for it.
JANET RENO
SHIT!!!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
A group of hookers are watching the mayhem erupt down the street.
CHOCOLATE TREAT is among them.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh look, girls! It looks like a giant robot Chinchilla is destroying
Las Vegas...
[a pause]
...again.
HOOKER #1
This is gettin', like, monotonous and stuff.
HOOKER #2
Yeah... I mean, like, why can we have, like, this guy... okay?
Someone who could put an end to all of this, you know, killer robot
killing
stuff.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
If only... If only such a thing is still possible in this jaded
and cynical world.
DISTANT VOICE
Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaapemaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
HOOKER #2
Did you fart, Chocolate Treat?
A low rumbling sound can be heard now.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Nooooo... Mine are dainty!
HOOKER #1
Girls! Do you hear that noise?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Sounds like a supersonic jet or something.
HOOKER #2
Where's it coming from?
Chocolate Treat shields her eyes and looks into the direction of the sun.
INSERT SHOT - THE SUN
Its blinding rays obscure anything coming from that direction.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Still looking.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I... I think...
THE SUN
Something can be seen now. Its an imperceptible dot, but it's
moving towards the camera and it's moving fast! It… IT’S COMING
RIGHT FOR US!!!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Still looking. She sees the object.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What the... hell is that?
THE SUN
The fast approaching object zooms towards the camera. Closer...
Closer... Closer... until, an obscure blur races by.
CHOCOLATE TREAT AND THE HOOKERS
Something zooms over them and they all duck. Rising to their
feet, the camera angles to show Mecha-Chinchilla, the fast moving blur
heading straight for it.
HOOKER #1
What in the name of The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington was
that?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I think... it was a man!
HOOKER #2
Girls, did you see the size of that codpiece?
Chocolate Treat and Hooker #2 look at her, smile, and nod. The blur reaches Mecha-Chinchilla with a deafening boom. The hookers duck for cover.
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP
Mecha-Chinchilla flies down the street, hit by the blur.
EXT. EL RANCHERO
Mecha-Chinchilla crashes into the abandoned hotel and casino turning
the building into a colossal pile of rubble. The killer robot tries
to claw itself free.
INT. SENESTRA'S OFFICE
Senestra, Rock, and Tank are watching the monitor which is showing
Mecha-Chinchilla's POV.
SENESTRA
What the shit!?
ROCK
D'ah... What happened?
SENESTRA
I don't know! Let me see if I can train the cameras on... whatever
that was!
THE MONITOR
The black and white image snowy image zooms in on a lone figure standing
in the rubble.
THE OFFICE
Senestra, Rock, and Tank look on.
SENESTRA
Who... the hell... is that?
EXT. THE REMAINS OF EL RANCHERO
We have a close-up of the pieces of broken mortar and bricks strewn
about. The camera finds a pair of feet. The camera pans up
the man's legs, to his chest, and finally to his head. It is CAPEMAN...
all grown up and decked out in his familiar purple and gold tights.
Music blares.
INT. SENESTRA'S OFFICE
TANK
Ha! I told you Liberache was still alive!
Senestra slaps Tank. He falls on Rock, who slaps him. He falls on Senestra who slaps him again. He then falls on the floor.
EXT. THE REMAINS OF EL RANCHERO
Mecha-Chinchilla pulls itself out of the rubble as Capeman watches.
MECHA-CHINCHILLA
[monotone computerized voice]
Who the hell are you?
CAPEMAN
You can call me, Capeman. I'm a superhero.
INT. SENESTRA'S OFFICE
She speaks into the microphone.
SENESTRA
Capeman? How come I never...
EXT. EL RANCHERO
MECHA-CHINCHILLA
...heard of you?
CAPEMAN
I'm new.
MECHA-CHINCHILLA
Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?
CAPEMAN
We all gotta start somewhere.
MECHA-CHINCHILLA
Tell me about it. This is my first attempt to destroy a city
and take over the world. Speaking of which...
Mecha-chinchilla blasts Capeman with a missile. The smoke clears
and Capeman is still standing there.
CAPEMAN
That wasn't nice. Do you realize how hard it is to get burn marks off
of tights?
Capeman flies into the air.
EXT. HARD ROCK CAFÉ
Capeman rushes over and pulls the giant guitar off of the building's
roof and flies away with it.
EXT. THE RANCHERO
Mecha-Chinchilla looks for Capeman.
MECHA-CHINCHILLA
Come on out you little...
Capeman flies into the picture and SLAMS the guitar down on Mecha-Chinchilla. Mecha-Chinchilla retaliated by kicking Capeman with it's hind leg.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Capeman is knocked into and through several casinos, finally landing
in front of the Luxor on the far side of the strip, eight miles away.
He gets up and dusts himself off. In the distance, Mecha-Chinchilla
leaps into the air and bears down on our hero.
CAPEMAN
Oooooooookay...
Mecha-Chinchilla plows Capeman into the asphalt breaking a water and gas main.
INT. SENESTRA'S OFFICE
SENESTRA
Ha! Let's see you walk away from that, you spandexed fool!
EXT. THE STRIP
In the giant crater, Mecha-Chinchilla stirs and begins to rise.
The crowds, which have been watching the fight, flee in terror as Mecha-Chinchilla
looms out of the crater. After a few seconds, we see that Capeman,
who is bruised and battered but still fighting, is LIFTING Mecha-Chinchilla.
INT. SENESTRA OFFICE
SENESTRA
NO! It can't be!
EXT. THE STRIP
Capeman lifts Mecha-Chinchilla high into the air.
CAPEMAN
Make a wish!
Capeman breaks the giant robot in half. The crowd goes crazy and
rushes to meet him.
MAN
Wow! Where'd you come from!?
WOMAN
What's your name!?
CAPEMAN
Please! Please! Calm down!
The crowd silences.
CAPEMAN
I am Capeman... and I am a superhero. No evil will threaten Las
Vegas as long as I'm here. Now, if you'll excuse me... I've got
a
job to do.
Capeman picks up the remains of Mecha-Chinchilla and takes off, flying into the distance and out of sight. The crowd cheers him on.
INT. SENESTRA'S OFFICE
Senestra turns off the monitor and leans back in her chair. Rock
and Tank look on.
SENESTRA
Hmmm... This Capeman might prove to be somewhat of a nuisance
later on. I shall have to devise a way to eliminate him.
TANK
Wow, Miss Malevolous! You're takin' this real well.
ROCK
Yeah, after a defeat like this, you usually get all mad and take it
out on us. You know... torture us and stuff.
SENESTRA
I'm not mad.
TANK
Oh.
SENESTRA
I am beyond mad. You have never seen the emotion I am experiencing
now. Rock... Tank...
Senestra picks up a box and takes out a half-dozen mousetraps, four
yards of red yarn, a bottle of superglue, and a staple gun. She picks
up all the items and rises.
SENESTRA
...follow me.
Tank and Rock slump and follow Senestra into the next room where, for the next few seconds, blood-curdling screams can be heard.
FADE TO:
EXT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
The playground has been outfitted with slides, merry-go-rounds, and
all sorts of wonderful playground equipment fashioned out of the remains
of Mecha-Chinchilla. As the orphanage's children play merrily, an
aged Sister Brothers and Capeman look on.
SISTER BROTHERS
Oh, John... uh, I mean Capeman... this is so wonderful. Everything
you've made for the orphanage is perfect!
CAPEMAN
I'm glad you think so.
SISTER BROTHERS
Uh... isn't that seesaw made out of a thermonuclear device?
CAPEMAN
Don't be silly. What's a thermonuclear device?
SISTER BROTHERS
It's a missile.
CAPEMAN
Oh, a big blowy-up kind of thing! Well, I suppose it could be...
I'll look into it. You may want to put a sign up or something...
tell the kids not to kick it or anything.
SISTER BROTHERS
Oh, don't worry about it. It'll glow in the dark... the kids'll
love it! I am proud of you, you know. You went and made
something
of yourself. You are special, see? You've taken up a noble
profession where the people's happiness is your only reward.
CAPEMAN
Oh, god... what was I thinking?
LAS VEGAS CITY HALL - THE NEXT DAY
The camera starts on a close up of a huge pile of money on a table
and zooms backwards to reveal MAYOR DINKLE and his SECRETARY.
MAYOR DINKLE
One hundred thousand dollars... tax free!
SECRETARY
You planning on leaving the country?
MAYOR DINKLE
Not at the moment. This is for that Capeman person.
SECRETARY
Capeman? The superhero? What's it fore?
MAYOR DINKLE
A reward for defeating Mecha-Chinchilla.
SECRETARY
Reward? But sir, everyone knows that superheroes don't accept
cash rewards! Does Superman? Does Batman? How about
Metamorpho?
The Mayor stares at her blankly.
SECRETARY
The Element Man?
The Mayor stares.
SECRETARY
Rex Mason?
The Mayor stares.
SECRETARY
Forget it. The point is, superheroes just don't accept rewards!
Why, I bet he'd be insulted if you DID offer!
MAYOR DINKLE
On the other hand, he might be insulted if I didn't offer. C'mon,
I'm doing it to be polite! I have no intention of actually GIVING
him the money! I intend on embezzling it!
EXT. SUNNY HAPPY TRAILER PARK
The place is a total white-trash dump.
INT. CAPEMAN'S TRAILER
Capeman (still in costume, of course) sits at a table going through
the mail.
CAPEMAN
Bills. Bills. Bills. Bills. You may already
be a millionaire. Bills. Bills. BILLS! BILLS!
GAH! How am I ever going to pay off all my debts!? That
job
at McDonalds just isn't paying enough!
The phone rings, he answers.
CAPEMAN
Hi, you've reached Capeman: When Evil's A-Popin', I Come a Knockin'.
[a pause]
Hello, Mister Mayor.
[a pause]
Nothing.
[a pause]
Fine, how are you?
[a pause]
No. I don't.
[a pause]
Yes, it went away after I got that cream.
[a pause]
Really?
[a pause]
Uh-huh.
[a pause]
All over the table, huh?
[a pause]
Gross.
[a pause]
Okay.
[a pause]
Okay.
[a pause]
Okay.
[a pause]
Okay, good-bye.
He hangs up.
CAPEMAN
So... the Mayor wants me to come to city hall for some kind of ceremony...
I hope it's discrete.
EXT. CITY HALL - THE NEXT DAY
Thousands of reporters and spectators crowd the frond steps as Mayor
Dinkle, the Secretary, and Capeman stand on a podium in front of a large
banner that says "CAPEMAN DAY". A brass band plays... badly.
MAYOR DINKLE
...and finally, to bring our eight-hour tribute to Capeman to a close,
I now ask Capeman himself to come to the microphone and say a few words.
Capeman?
Capeman nervously approaches the microphone.
CAPEMAN
I...
The microphone squeals.
CAPEMAN
I... am touched that you all think so highly of me that you would...
waste so much of your time and tax money on a celebration I didn't
ask
for and didn't want in the first place. Look, I had to take the
day
off from my job to come to this thing today and, you know what?
I
got fired. Fired! Can you believe that? For asking
for
ONE measly day off! Assholes! Now... my trailer's going
to
be repossessed and I've got a loan shark named Fat Tony looking for
me!
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME EASY TO FIND!!!
Capeman notices everyone is staring at him.
CAPEMAN
[clears throat]
Uhm... W-Well... Uh... This... This doesn't chance my vow, though.
I will stay in Las Vegas and fight crime as long as I'm here!
The crowd cheers. The mayor approaches Capeman.
MAYOR DINKLE
Now, Capeman. You're probably wondering what's under the tarp.
CAPEMAN
What tarp?
MAYOR DINKLE
Why, THAT tarp!
The camera zooms out quickly to reveal a large tarp covering an object
at least twenty feet high.
CAPEMAN
[to camera]
Don't know how I missed that when I first got here!
The mayor yanks a rope and the tarp falls revealing a twenty foot tall
statue of Capeman.
CAPEMAN
Wow!
MAYOR DINKLE
[to Capeman]
Don't be too impressed. It was a statue of Jimmy Carter.
[to everyone]
Now, Capeman... as a token of the city's appreciation, I would like
to present you with...
A busty model walks out carrying a large oversized check for one hundred
thousand dollars.
MAYOR DINKLE
...this novelty oversized check for one-hundred thousand dollars.
CAPEMAN
For me?
MAYOR DINKLE
[sotto to Secretary]
This will be the part where he turns the check down and just says thank
you.
CAPEMAN
You made this check for me?
MAYOR DINKLE
For you, Capeman. Think of it as... oh... your reward for saving
the city.
CAPEMAN
I don't know what to say!
Mayor Dinkle smirks and starts to put the check away.
MAYOR DINKLE
Well, if you don't want it...
Capeman snatches it away from him.
CAPEMAN
You bet your bureaucratic ass I do!
MAYOR DINKLE
Wha-What!?
CAPEMAN
Are you kidding!? Do you realize how much I need this money?
I didn't know you got PAID to be a superhero!
MAYOR DINKLE
Well, you-you don...
CAPEMAN
Wow, a hundred thousand dollars! This is wonderful! Thank
you, Mister Mayor! Thank you! Thank you all!
Capeman takes the check and flies off. The Mayor, with his eyes
bulging and mouth hanging open watches him go.
MAYOR DINKLE
But I... I...
SECRETARY
Smooth move, Mister Mayor.
PERSON FROM CROWD
HEY! HOW MUCH OF OUR TAX MONEY WENT INTO THAT CHECK!?
EXT. AIRIAL VIEW OF LAS VEGAS
Capeman, smiling like an idiot with check in hand, flies off into the
distance.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
INT. THE STUDIO
As before, Capeman is sitting in a directors chair on a darkened stage
under a spotlight.
CAPEMAN
...and that was my first paycheck. I was becoming more and more
popular everyday as the weeks moved on, but my life was also becoming
more
and more complicated what with the endorsements, the book signings,
etcetera...
But, I was about to face my greatest enemy ever!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE
A small spacecraft passes the planet Pluto en route to Earth.
Menacing music plays.
INT. THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
The mayor is looking over bills. The secretary walks in.
SECRETARY
You sent for me, sir?
MAYOR DINKLE
Yes... What do you make of this?
The mayor indicates the large pile of bills.
SECRETARY
Well, let’s see…
The secretary picks up a paper and begins to fold it. She sits
down the completed impressive origami sculpture on the mayor’s desk.
SECRETARY
It’s a pterodactyl!
She picks it up and begins playing with it.
SECRETARY
CAW! CAW!
The mayor snatches the scupture from her, wads it up into a ball, and
tosses it over his shoulder.
SECRETARY
It's a big pile of bills. So what?
MAYOR DINKLE
I told you offering Capeman a reward was a mistake. Now he's
charging us every time he stops evil! And it's not just him...
oh no! Lightning Lad is charging Milwaukee, The Blue Fairy is
now
charging San Francisco, and Big Apple's charging New York! Ultrawoman
is charging a thousand dollars an hour in Dallas! None of the
world's
superheroes are working for free anymore!
SECRETARY
Well, they have to earn a living too.
MAYOR DINKLE
They're not "earning" a living, they're gouging us!
SECRETARY
So, what are you going to do about it?
MAYOR DINKLE
Well, I set up an appointment to speak to him. Despite his recent
greedy streak, Capeman's always been a considerate bloke. I'll
just
explain to him that the prices he's charging for his services are too
high.
SECRETARY
[sarcasm]
Sure… it worked with OPEC.
The picture freezes
NARRATOR
[really fast]
This joke was written during the summer of 2000.
The picture unfreezes. There is a knock at the door.
MAYOR DINKLE
That must be him. Come in!
The door opens. JASON DONNER walks in and sits in front of the
mayor's desk. Mayor Dinkle and the Secretary stare at him.
MAYOR DINKLE
Who the hell are you?
DONNER
Jason Donner.
A beat.
MAYOR DINKLE
Oh... I'm so glad we cleared that up!
[beat]
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY OFFICE!?
DONNER
I'm Capeman's new agent. From now on, any business you do with
him will have to be done through me.
MAYOR DINKLE
WHAT!?
The Secretary keeps the Mayor from jumping out of his seat.
SECRETARY
What agency do you come from, Mr. Donner?
DONNER
It's a new firm.
Donner hands the Mayor and Secretary a card.
DONNER
It was started when the People's Institute of Tolerant Banking merged
with the United Loan Lending Society.
The Mayor reads the card.
MAYOR DINKLE
P.I.T. B.U.L.L.S.?
Donner takes the card away and reads it. He smiles.
DONNER
Hey! It does spell "Pit Bulls". What do ya know? Well,
we are competitive!
Donner laughs. Eventually, his laughs turn into snarls and growls.
MAYOR DINKLE
[to Secretary]
Hold me.
SECRETARY
Only if you hold me.
The two clasp onto each other in fear as Donner continues his evil laugh.
Donner abruptly stops.
DONNER
Now, where were we?
MAYOR DINKLE
Well... it's about Capeman's pay...
DONNER
It's an extraordinary amount, huh?
MAYOR DINKLE
Yes! Yes, by gum! It's too much!
DONNER
Yes, Capeman does an extraordinary amount for the city. I'm glad
we're in agreement.
MAYOR DINKLE
Yes... Uh, I mean...
DONNER
In fact, my client thinks that he is being underpaid.
MAYOR DINKLE
Under...!?
DONNER
If you don't up his salary 10 percent, he's going to relocate to Memphis.
MAYOR DINKLE
What!?
DONNER
Of course, we're very confident that you will give Capeman his raise...
after all, the voters love him and if you let him go... I'm certain
they'll
let you go!
Donner's watch beeps.
DONNER
Oh, look at the time! Gotta run!
MAYOR DINKLE
But I...
DONNER
Glad we had such a productive meeting, Mr. Mayor.
Donner shakes his hands and goes to leave.
MAYOR DINKLE
Waaaaaait a minute... you're not really...?
The mayor makes a "flying" motion with his arm and winks.
DONNER
[scoffs]
No, I'm not.
SECRETARY
Really? Because it would make a lot of sense if you were!
DONNER
I'm not, okay? What the hell is this, the Spanish Inquisition!?
Donner leaves, slamming the door behind him. Several pictures on the
wall fall to the floor.
MAYOR DINKLE
I bet he is!
SECRETARY
It's obvious...
The Mayor angrily bangs his desk.
MAYOR DINKLE
Ten percent? DAMN! I was going to embezzle that money!!!
EXT. SPACE
The moon appears below us as the alien spaceship passes overhead.
The camera moves to reveal that it is approaching Earth.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
The spaceship enters Earth's atmosphere and heads for the surface.
EXT. A ROAD IN NEVADA – NIGHT
A pick-up truck rolls down the road as the spaceship crashes in the
distance. The truck screeches to a stop.
INT. THE TRUCK
Mister Hilter (twenty years older, of course) looks out the window.
HILTER
Aw, no... not this crap again!
He hits the gas and zooms away.
EXT. THE SPACESHIP
The ship has landed in the desert. A ramp extends from it and
a door opens. Bright white light pours out of the door as the silhouette
of a man steps onto the ramp. We cannot see any details of this stranger...
only his eyes which glow a demonic red hue. This is POWER MAN.
POWER MAN
Hellooooooooo.... Earth!
EXT. LAS VEGAS - THE NEXT DAY
Establishing shot. A penthouse on top of Balley's Casino.
INT. CAPEMAN'S PENTHOUSE
A phone is ringing. Capeman jumps out of the shower (still wearing
his costume) and answers it.
CAPEMAN
Hello?
INTERCUT:
INT. THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
The Mayor is on the phone and the office appears strangely dark.
MAYOR DINKLE
Hello, Capeman!
CAPEMAN
Ah, Mister Mayor! What can I do for you today? Break
up a bank robbery? Stop a crashing jet liner? What?
What?
Tell me!
MAYOR DINKLE
Well, Capeman... it's awful! Just awful! Hoover Dam is
about to break and flood thousands of homes!
INT. CAPEMAN'S PENTHOUSE
CAPEMAN
Hoover Dam! That is terrible and, what's more, it's going to
cost you!
MAYOR DINKLE
[clenches teeth]
Cost is no matter! Just save those people!
CAPEMAN
Funny that Hoover Dam is collapsing. I guess that’s what they
g
et for naming it after a cross-dresser.
MAYOR
WILL YOU JUST GO!?
CAPEMAN
I'm on it, Mister Mayor!
Capeman hangs up.
INT. THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
The Mayor turns to the shadows.
MAYOR DINKLE
He's on his way.
A pair of red eyes appear in the darkness.
MAYOR DINKLE
I hope you'll keep up YOUR end of the bargain.
Power Man steps out of the shadows. This is our first good look
at him. His costume is darker, more angular than Capeman's.
Black, red, and gray in color, he looks like a sinister evil man.
POWER MAN
Not to worry, Mister Mayor. By the time I'm through, Capeman
won't know what hit him!
EXT. ABOVE HOOVER DAM
Capeman arrives and looks over the area.
CAPEMAN
Hmmm. All seems well, but it's not like the mayor to make a mistake
and call me for no reason... especially since I charge by the hour.
I'd better check it out.
[a beat]
Because I do charge by the hour!
Capeman flies down to the dam's surface.
EXT. THE DAM'S SURFACE
It's quite... too quite.
CAPEMAN
Hmmm... Quite. Calm. Serene. But something tells
me... that evil is afoot! But from where?
EXT. THE SURFACE OF LAKE MEED
Capeman can be seen on top of the dam as the camera dips into the dark
waters of the lake. After we descend a few feet into the water, we
see a large object approaching. As it passes the camera, we see that
it is a huge BOULDER being pushed by POWER MAN.
Power Man throws the boulder which smashes against the submerged side of the great dam.
EXT. THE TOP OF HOOVER DAM
BAM! The dam shutters.
CAPEMAN
What the hell?
He runs over and looks over the side.
EXT. HOOVER DAM
The concrete is cracked and water is leaking out.
CAPEMAN
Great Scott! The dam is about to burst! I'd better....
WHAM! The damn bursts. A tremendous wall of water races
down the canyon.
CAPEMAN
SHIT!
EXT. THE CANYON
The water roars through the canyon destroying everything in sight.
Capeman races after it.
CAPEMAN
Must go faster! Must go faster! Must go...
Capeman looks down. The rushing wall of water is gone.
CAPEMAN
What the...!?
He looks behind him.
EXT. THE CANYON
The wall of water has stopped in it's tracks as though it's been frozen.
The camera pans down to reveal Power Man stopping the water with his super-breath.
Then, with another mighty huff, the water begins to retreat backwards into
the canyon.
Capeman follows Power Man and the water.
EXT. HOOVER DAM
Power Man blows the water back into the massive hole punched in the
dam. As the water rages, trying to flow back down the canyon, Power
Man moves quickly to fuse boulders and rocks into the breech in the dam
with his heat vision. As the smoke clears, Hoover Dam has been patched
good as new.
Capeman watches Power Man finish his work. The crowds on the bank cheer at the new hero.
EXT. THE TOP OF HOOVER DAM
Power Man lands. Dozens of people crowd around him. Capeman
lands next to him.
CROWD
Wow! Did you see that? Who is he? Did you see what
he did? He saved us all!
POWER MAN
Now, now, now... just doing my duty.
CAPEMAN
Quite impressive.
POWER MAN
Thank you, Capeman.
CAPEMAN
You seem to have me at a disadvantage.
POWER MAN
Indeed I do. A very large disadvantage.
Capeman takes the insult.
CAPEMAN
So, want to tell me who you are?
POWER MAN
You can call me, Power Man.
CAPEMAN
That's impossible!
Power Man appears shocked.
POWER MAN
W-What do you mean, impossible?
CAPEMAN
You're powers... the heat vision, the super breath! They're my
copyright! You can't copy a copyright!
POWER MAN
Of course you can. Otherwise, it would be called a "copywrong".
CAPEMAN
I never though of it that way.
Power Man begins signing autographs for the crowd.
POWER MAN
Yeah, well you'd better get ready for a whole new line of thinking,
Capeman, because your time is over. There's a new superhero in
town!
CAPEMAN
Oo, is that a threat?
POWER MAN
Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
CAPEMAN
I hope so! I was laying it on pretty thick!
Power Man goes back to signing autographs.
POWER MAN
I'm really busy, Capeman. Have a nice day.
CAPEMAN
You too, Power Man. And good job with the dam.
Power Man looks at him and smirks.
CAPEMAN
I've never seen anyone blow that hard in my entire life.
Capeman swoops into the air. Power Man snarls at him.
MONTAGE
A series of Newspaper Headlines fly by the camera as scenes of Mega-Capeman
saving children, nabbing crooks, etceteras are shown.
Las Vegas Gambler: "NEW SUPERHERO MAKING WAVES IN LAS VEGAS!"
Los Angeles Times: "POWER MAN'S POPULARITY SURPASSING CAPEMAN’S!"
New York Times: "POWER MAN THE MAN OF THE HOUR"
Redbook: "POWER MAN'S SECRETS TO YOUNGER SKIN"
National Enquirer: "POWER MAN'S WILD NIGHT WITH DREW BARRYMOORE"
The montage ends with Capeman in an alley reading the headlines and glowering.
INT. CITY HALL – OUTSIDE THE MAYOR’S OFFICE
Donner bursts through the door and marches up to the Secretary’s desk.
DONNER
Where is that two-timing double-crossing son of a bitch!?
SECRETARY
The Mayor?
DONNER
Do any other two-timing double-crossing sons ah bitches come to mind?
SECRETARY
The Mayor can’t be disturbed at the moment, but he’s given me permission
to take care of business on his behalf.
Donner holds up a piece of paper.
DONNER
Do you know what this is? It’s a contract. Say it with
me now, c-o-n-t-r-a-c-t! It says that Capeman is the sole protector
of Las Vegas unless he calls in another superhero for some crossover
thing.
It’s firm… it’s binding… and it’s on fire.
There is a pause. Donner holds the paper back up and, sure enough, it is aflame. He looks at the secretary.
SECRETARY
[smoking a cigarette]
Oops.
DONNER
Oh, that was cute. Do you have any idea what you’ve done!?
Do you have any idea what I can do!?
SECRETARY
Scream and flail about?
DONNER
What do you mean by that?
Two hulking seven-foot women appear behind Donner.
DONNER
And why am I suddenly fearful for my life?
Donner whirls around and sees the she-hulks.
SECRETARY
Betty… Veronica… take him out.
BETTY picks Donner up with one arm.
DONNER
You put me down right now or so help me God, I’ll scream like a woman!
EXT. CITY HALL
Betty and Veronica are dragging Donner out the front door.
DONNER
Gah! Stop it! I’m very delicate!
Betty and Veronica chunk him down the steps.
DONNER
[off camera]
Ow, my spleen!
INT. THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
Mayor Dinkle is counting stacks and stacks of money on his desk.
MAYOR DINKLE
One million two hundred thousand five hundred and thirty-one...
One million two hundred thousand five hundred and thirty-two... One
million
two hundred thousand five hundred and thirty-three... One million two
hundred
thousand five...
Power Man appears behind him.
POWER MAN
MAYOR DINKLE!!!
Dinkle jumps causing all of the money on the desk to fly all over the
place.
MAYOR DINKLE
[picks up a bill]
One million two hundred thousand five hundred and thirty-four.
POWER MAN
What a minute. You kept count?
MAYOR DINKLE
Yeah. All thanks to this calculator.
[he holds it up]
It is the 21st century after all.
Power Man vaporizes the calculator with his heat vision.
MAYOR DINKLE
Now that was just plain mean! What do you want?
POWER MAN
It is time to proceed to phase two of the plan.
MAYOR DINKLE
Phase Two?
POWER MAN
Yes, mayor. The phase in the plan where I take over this puny
sphere and finally get rid of Capeman once and for all!
MAYOR DINKLE
But you've broken and humiliated him! Why, I was at Toys 'R'
Us the other day and saw his action figures in the same bin with Waterworld,
Dragonheart, Batman and Robin, and The Mummy toys.
Trust me... Capeman
is through in this city.
POWER MAN
It's not enough. I want him dead.
MAYOR DINKLE
Why?
POWER MAN
That's none of your business.
MAYOR DINKLE
So, is it some kind of long-standing hatred you've had for him?
I bet that's it! Now you've got superpowers and at long last
you
can take revenge on him! Am I right?
Power Man says nothing.
MAYOR DINKLE
HA! I'm right, aren't I!?
POWER MAN
NO! You're not right! It's none of your damn business!
MAYOR DINKLE
[sigh]
Okay. How exactly are you going to kill him, hm? I
mean, he's nigh invulnerable.
POWER MAN
Let me worry about that. First, I have to lure him here.
MAYOR DINKLE
And how do you plan on doing that?
Power Man looks at the Mayor and smirks.
EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY HALL
Windows are blown out of the building and fire and smoke erupts from
the doors.
INT. CAPEMAN'S PENTHOUSE
Capeman is lying in bed with a half a bottle of Vodka and is clearly
smashed out of his mind.
TV
We interrupt Kari Wuhrer in The Sex Files to bring you this
shocking report!
CAPEMAN
[awakens]
Er?
TV
Just moments ago, Las Vegas City Hall was shaken by a tremendous explosion.
There is no word on the mayor, but we have put together this Computer
Animation
of the mayor getting blown to bits in slow motion.
Capeman reacts in horror as the sound of an explosion and the mayor
screaming can be heard over the TV.
CAPEMAN
GRODY!
TV
People in the streets are asking, "Where is Power Man?" and that other
guy... what's-his-face?
CAPEMAN
What's his face...!?
Capeman turns the TV off.
CAPEMAN
They don't even know who I am anymore! My career's gone
the way of Pee Wee Herman, Macualy Culkin, and Jenny McCarthy!
Jenny McCarthy pokes her head out from under the covers.
JENNY McCARTHY
HEY!
CAPEMAN
It’s a sad truth, baby, live with it.
He takes a swig of Vodka and tosses aside the now-empty bottle.
CAPEMAN
Well... I'm not just going to go quietly into the night. I'm
going to go on! I'm going to survive! Today... I CELEBRATE
MY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!
Capeman takes a step foreword and passes out onto the floor.
INT. THE REMAINS OF CITY HALL
Power Man is checking his watch as the Mayor and his secretary sit
tied up in the corner of the burned-out room.
SECRETARY
You mean to tell me that you cut a deal with this Power Man guy to
get rid of Capeman knowing full well that he was a psychopathic supervillain!?
MAYOR DINKLE
I had to! Capeman was bleeding the city dry!
SECRETARY
His salary only took up .005 percent of the yearly budget!
MAYOR DINKLE
That's .005 percent that I would have been able to take with me to
Tijuana!
SECRETARY
Mister Mayor, don't take this the wrong way, but you're a shit for
brains!
Power Man stomps over to them.
POWER MAN
Shut up! Both of you! Shut up!
SECRETARY
So, what are you going to do with us?
POWER MAN
I'm going to use you as bait to lure Capeman here and then, as he watches
helplessly, I will torture you and kill you! Then, I will finish
him off! With Capeman out of the way, the Earth will be mine
to command!
The secretary kicks the mayor's shin.
SECRETARY
Ass!
POWER MAN
Where is he!? Capeman should have been here hours ago!
MAYOR DINKLE
What have I done? I've handed the world over to a super powered
madman!
[a pause]
Oh. Guess I just answered my own question, huh?
POWER MAN
Will you shut up!?
Suddenly, a wall bursts in and Capeman stumbled through the hole holding
an ice pack to his head.
CAPEMAN
Caaaaaaaaaapemaaaaaaa--
He holds his head in pain.
CAPEMAN
Ow... damn.
POWER MAN
So, Capeman... at last we meet again!
CAPEMAN
Uh-huh.
POWER MAN
I'm sure you've figured it all out by now!
CAPEMAN
Figured what out?
POWER MAN
What do you mean, "figured what out?"
CAPEMAN
Huh?
POWER MAN
What!?
CAPEMAN
Huh?
POWER MAN
You mean you don't know that I am actually an evil supervillain bent
on world domination?
CAPEMAN
You are? I thought you were here helping out with the explosion...
boy, was I wrong!
POWER MAN
You're an idiot too!
CAPEMAN
So, I suppose we need to fight, eh?
POWER MAN
Like it would do you any good! I've already defeated you, Capeman!
I've showed you that the people of Las Vegas don't really love you
and,
without their love and admiration, you are nothing! Just a pathetic
super person!
Capeman looks sad.
CAPEMAN
They have forgotten about me, haven't they? It's like a throbbing
pain in my heart how quickly they've pushed me aside.
POWER MAN
That's nothing compared to the pain on your jaw.
CAPEMAN
What do you mean by--
EXT. CITY HALL
We hear an earth shattering KERPOW and Capeman flies out of the building
and impacts the ground outside the building hard.
CAPEMAN
Oh... <i>that</i> pain!
Power Man swoops out of the building and slams his foot into Capeman's
back knocking him back down. Power Man grabs Capeman by his hair
and holds him up.
POWER MAN
How does it feel, Capeman? Knowing that you're yesterday's news?
Knowing that you're second best?
Power Man kicks Capeman in his side. Capeman staggers to his feet.
CAPEMAN
Hangover... fading... pain... intensifying!
POWER MAN
Why do you bother, Capeman? Why do you even bother? They
don't love you! They don't even remember who you are!
CAPEMAN
Not true!
POWER MAN
Oh, isn't it?
Power Man looks confused for a second, goes over what he just said in
his head, and then nods to himself.
POWER MAN
Once I came to town, the city all but forgot about you. Are you
on TV anymore, Capeman? Does City Hall call when evil rears it's
head? NO! There's only one name on the lips of all Las
Vegans,
and it's POWER MAN!
CAPEMAN
Great big fat Scotty on <i>Star Trek</i>, it's true! Las
Vegas HAS forgotten about me!
POWER MAN
Now, Capeman! Let's get down to it!
Capeman shoots into the air and out of site.
POWER MAN
I meant we should fight, MORON!
[a pause]
DAMMIT!
INT. CITY HALL
Power Man enters. The mayor and the secretary watch.
POWER MAN
Well, so much for Capeman!
SECRETARY
No!
MAYOR DINKLE
Oh dear God in heaven! Oh, sweet Jesus! You killed him!
Our last best hope of salvation is gone! Game over, man!
Game
over!
POWER MAN
I didn't kill him. Not yet, anyway.
SECRETARY
So, he's still alive!? Good! That means he's going to come
back and kick your spandexed fanny but good! he'll save us!
You'll see! He'll save--
Power Man vaporizes the Secretary with his heat vision.
MAYOR DINKLE
[a beat]
Well, I'm confident that he'll at least save me!
Power Man vaporizes the Mayor. He fans the air for a second and
looks out the window at the gathering police cars.
POWER MAN
I see now that breaking Capeman was sufficient. What a wuss!
Now, there is nothing to stand between me and total world domination!
EXT. CITY HALL
Dozens of police cars have gathered. POLICE CHIEF PIGGY gets
out, take a bite out of a donut, and looks around. He walks over
and addresses a line of policemen.
PIGGY
Listen up, men! What we have here is an unknown situation.
Apparently, Power Man is actually a power-mad super criminal bent on
world
domination.
POLICE OFFICER #1
How do you know this, sir?
PIGGY
I'm a professional.
INSERT SHOT
Piggy stuffs the script into his back pocket.
POLICE OFFICER #2
So what's the plan sir? How do we deal with Power Man?
He just has so much power... man!
PIGGY
Easy. I happen to know Power Man's weakness! Come with
me, men!
Piggy and a dozen police rookies march towards city hall. Power
Man swoops out of the window and intercepts them.
PIGGY
The game is up, Power Man, or should I say... POWER MAD MAN!
We'll save the mayor if it's the last thing we...
POWER MAN
Mayor's dead.
PIGGY
Oh.
POWER MAN
So's his secretary.
PIGGY
Damn.
POWER MAN
Now I'm going to kill all of you.
PIGGY
Not so fast, Power man! Not while I have... THIS!
Piggy holds up a glowing green rock.
PIGGY
Kryptonite! Are your powers fading, Power Man? Are you
getting weaker?
POWER MAN
[folds arms]
That's Superman's weakness.
PIGGY
Oh... well... okay...
Piggy throws the rock over his shoulder and picks up a yellow shield.
PIGGY
HA! We're hiding behind this yellow shield and you can't get
us because your powers can't affect anything yellow!
POWER MAN
That's Green Lantern's weakness.
PIGGY
Shit! Fine!
Piggy picks up a bucket of water and douses Power Man with it.
PIGGY
Are you melting, Power Man? Melting? Melting? Meeeeeeelting?
Power Man glares at them grinding his teeth.
PIGGY
Well, don't just stand there, men! Arrest him!
Piggy turns and runs away. The rookies look at each other and
nervously get out their guns and handcuffs.
POLICE OFFICER #2
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can...
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Piggy runs to his police car, jumps inside, locks the doors, and rolls
all of the windows up.
POLICE OFFICER #2 (con’t)
…and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the
right to--
There is an explosion and a brilliant white light as blood and the body
parts of the dozen police rookies rain down on the car. Police Chief
Piggy finally uncovers his eyes and sees the devastation. He picks
up the loudspeaker and begins to speak.
PIGGY
Power Man, you'll never get away with--
Power Man lands on the car's hood and glares menacingly at Piggy through
the windshield.
PIGGY
With... With... Leading the world with an iron fist without someone
to be a liaison between you, a walking god, and the meaningless cretins
that roam this pathetic mud ball of a planet. May I be of service,
master?
Power Man smirks and nods.
POWER MAN
You can deliver the news that Las Vegas has a new master.
Music Sting
EXT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Sister Brothers turns on the back porch light and opens the back porch
door holding a rifle.
SISTER BROTHERS
Hello? Hello, is anyone…?
Camera moves to reveal Capeman sitting on the porch.
SISTER BROTHERS
John? John, what are you doing here? Have you been crying?
CAPEMAN
Crying? Me? N-No… I…
Sister Brothers sits next to Capeman and drapes her arm over his shoulder.
SISTER BROTHERS
I’ve been watching CNN, John. I know what happened.
CAPEMAN
They just forgot about me, Sister. I mean nothing to them.
SISTER BROTHERS
That’s not true, John.
CAPEMAN
Uh-huh.
SISTER BROTHERS
Nuh-uh.
CAPEMAN
Uh-huh!
SISTER BROTHERS
Nuh-uh!
CAPEMAN
Uh-huh!
SISTER BROTHERS
Uh-huh!
CAPEMAN
Nuh-uh!
SISTER BROTHERS
WILL YOU STOP THAT!?
Sister Brothers stops herself.
SISTER BROTHERS
John… You’ve done more good for the world than anyone I’ve ever known!
CAPEMAN
What about Doctor Martin Luther King jr. or Mother Teresa?
SISTER BROTHER
I never knew either of them, but I do know this… John… Capeman… You’re
a hero and right now, the world needs a hero.
CAPEMAN
But Power Man is stronger than I am!
SISTER BROTHERS
John… True strength doesn’t come from this.
She grabs one of his biceps.
SISTER BROTHERS
It comes from this!
She points at his heart. Capeman looks at her.
CAPEMAN
But… I’m nobody! No one even remembers who I am!
Sister Brothers rises to her feet.
SISTER BROTHERS
[sighs]
John, if you’ve been doing all of this… saving all those lives just
so that you would be remembered then you’ve been doing it for the wrong
reason.
She heads inside.
SISTER BROTHERS
I’ll leave you alone for a while.
She goes inside leaving Capeman alone on the back porch. He rises
and walks towards the playground which has been stocked with brand new
equipment and toys, jungle gyms, see-saws, and swing sets made out of scrap
metal. The camera pivots around him until we see the back porch of
the orphanage again. There, on the back porch is a LITTLE BOY.
LITTLE BOY
Who are you?
Capeman turns around and looks at him.
CAPEMAN
I… uh…
LITTLE BOY
Aren’t you Capeman?
CAPEMAN
Y-Yeah, I am.
LITTLE BOY
Wow! Sister Brothers told us all about you! You’re the
one who keeps giving us all that money and toys and playground stuff!
I have your action figure!!!
CAPEMAN
Uh… Yeah, that’s me.
LITTLE BOY
Just the other day, I had your action figure fight Jenny’s Barbie doll.
CAPEMAN
Who won?
LITTLE BOY
Uh…
[quickly changing the subject]
Did you know you kept this place from getting shut down?
CAPEMAN
Yeah. I know, but…
LITTLE BOY
That was really cool of you.
CAPEMAN
It was nothing, I…
LITTLE BOY
It was something to us! You’re a real hero, you know that?
CAPEMAN
But I lost in Las Vegas! Didn’t you see that? I’m no hero!
I’m a looser!
LITTLE BOY
Not to us.
Capeman pauses and looks at the boy. Sister Brothers comes out
on the porch.
SISTER BROTHERS
[to the boy]
There you are! Come on in, it’s cold out here!
LITTLE BOY
Oh, sister!
SISTER BROTHERS
No buts! Come on!
The little boy goes back inside.
CAPEMAN
Cute kid.
SISTER BROTHERS
They are at that.
CAPEMAN
Really believes in me, huh?
SISTER BROTHERS
They haven’t given up on you, John. Don’t give up on them.
Sister Brothers turns to walk inside.
CAPEMAN
Sister?
SISTER BROTHERS
Yeah?
CAPEMAN
Can I borrow something from you?
SISTER BROTHERS
Anything.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP
Police Chief Piggy is driving down the street speaking on a loudspeaker.
Everyone on the sidewalk stops to listen to what he is saying.
PIGGY
Power Man is the ruler of the world now… do not oppose him or you and
your family will suffer. Resistance is futile. Power Man
is
absolute! It is useless to resist!
EXT. CITY HALL
Power Man hovers over the flaming building.
POWER MAN
Now, there is no one to oppose me!
VOICE
NOT SO FAST, POWER MAN!
POWER MAN
Who the hell?
Camera pans up to reveal THREE SUPERHEROES descending from the clouds.
One, is a fat bearded man in blue tights sporting a pair of translucent
wings. This is THE BLUE FAIRY. ULTRAWOMAN, a woman in a skimpy
bathing suit and cape, follows him. Finally, a man in a tattered
suit appears who looks like he’s had way too much caffeine. This
is CAPTAIN SPAZ.
BLUE FAIRY
Capeman may not have been able to stop you, Power man! But WE
can!
POWER MAN
Oh, really?
ULTRAWOMAN
Yeah!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
W-W-W-W-We’re gonna wh-whoop up on y-y-you!
Captain Spaz begins to shake violently and charges for Power Man who
smacks him out of the way effortlessly.
ULTRAWOMAN
Oh my goodness, Blue Fairy! He smacked Captain Spaz like a little
bitch!
BLUE FAIRY
Regardless, Ultrawoman! We have to fight him on our own!
ULTRAWOMAN
But we can’t beat him!
BLUE FAIRY
We don’t have to beat him… just slow him down!
INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS’ OFFICE
Senestra is watching the three superheroes fight Power Man on CNN.
She slugs back a martini and tosses the glass over her shoulder.
SENESTRA
Damn… Power Man. Taking over my world like… like a… world taker
over.
She jumps to her feet and points a gun at the TV.
SENESTRA
THE WORLD IS MINE! THE WORLD IS MINE YOU MOTHER FU—
Her words are cut off as she empties the gun into the TV which explodes
in a mass of flames and sparks. Senestra sinks back into her chair
and begins to sob quietly.
SENESTRA
I’ve wasted my life!
The phone rings. Senestra answers it.
SENESTRA
(Sniff!) Hello?
[a pause]
Who?
[a pause]
Oh, what do YOU want?
[a pause]
Yeah, I’m watching it right now, so what?
[a pause]
You… do?
[a pause]
Really? Yeah, I built a new one.
[a pause]
I suppose I could. Give me fifteen minutes to prep and refuel.
[a pause]
NO, I HAVEN’T BEEN CRYING!
Senestra slams the phone down. She dabs her eyes with a tissue
and then walks over the closet. Opening the door, Senestra kicks
the sides of Rock and Tank who have been tied and gagged.
SENESTRA
Play times over, fellas. Come with me.
CUT TO
THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Power Man holds Ultrawoman by the throat, Blue Fairy by the wings,
and has one foot on top of Captain Spaz’ head.
BLUE FAIRY
You’ll never get away with this, Power Man!
Power Man slams Blue Fairy and Ultrawoman together knocking both of
them out.
POWER MAN
I just did and now, there’s no one left to stop me!
KERPOW! A Fast-moving purple and gold blur hits him sending up rocketing into the sky.
EXT. THE SKY
Power Man is shooting into the stratosphere rubbing his jaw.
POWER MAN
Owie.
Capeman flies up next to him.
POWER MAN
YOU again? I should have known! Why’d you come back for?
I’m stronger than you, smarter than you, and I have a bigger fan following!
What have YOU got Capeman?
CAPEMAN
A see-saw.
POWER MAN
A what?
CAPEMAN
A see-saw.
POWER MAN
Is that supposed to be funny?
CAPEMAN
A see-saw made out of a thermonuclear warhead.
Capeman takes the missile from behind his back and stuffs it into the
back of Power Man’s briefs.
POWER MAN
WHA--!?
CAPEMAN
Tah!
Capeman kicks Power Man in the balls and then flies away at the speed of sound.
EXT. THE SKY
Seen from the Las Vegas Strip, there is suddenly a huge white-hot explosion.
Captain Spaz stands and watches it.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Oh no! Oh dear God, no!
[a pause]
I’VE BURNED MY RETINAS!
EXT. THE SKY
High above Las Vegas, Capeman finally regains control after being buffeted
by the shockwaves of the blast. He looks back in the direction of
the fading explosion.
CAPEMAN
Mental note: Replace orphanage seesaw.
KER-POW! Capeman is hit.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Capeman hits the ground causing a huge crater to be formed. He
shakily pulls himself out of it.
CAPEMAN
Replace… jaw… too.
He looks up and sees Power Man, burned and blackened, standing over
him.
POWER MAN
Cute, Capeman, real cute.
CAPEMAN
I thought so.
POWER MAN
I guess no one told you that I’m nigh invulnerable, did they?
CAPEMAN
No… ‘fraid it never came up.
POWER MAN
You do realize that I’m going to have to kill you now.
CAPEMAN
Wait! Before you do, at least tell me why! Why are you
more powerful than I!? How come you’re stronger, faster, and
smarter
than me!
POWER MAN
Oh… I get it. You want me to explain my plans in full detail
right before I kill you? Could you get any more cliché?
CAPEMAN
I could try.
Power Man turns around and paces a few steps away from Capeman revealing
that the nuclear bomb has blown the back of his briefs off and his bare
ass is sticking out.
POWER MAN
Forget it. All right, Capeman… I’ll tell you. Or should
I call you… Ku’Lark.
Capeman reacts in shock. Power Man turns around and smirks.
POWER MAN
That’s right, I said Ku’Lark. You’re name… your real name.
I know everything about you, Capeman. I know that you were sent
here
from the planet Kraption. I know that you were the son of a prominent
scientist.
CAPEMAN
Oh no! This is one of those Fight Club situations where
we turn
out to be the same person, isn’t it!?
POWER MAN
NO! I know all these things because I also called Krapton home!
CAPEMAN
You’re from my home planet?
POWER MAN
More than that, Capeman… I worked with your mother and father as an
assistant!
Power Man rips off his mask revealing that his is, indeed, TOE’DEE from
the very beginning of the movie.
POWER MAN
You’re father was a fool, Ku’Lark, and I was a fool to follow him.
I came to Earth to start a new world order… the right world order with
ME in charge!
CAPEMAN
This is too much!
POWER MAN
But wait, there’s more! Something about your mother, Kuh’Lark.
She was, how the earthmen say, a ho-bag. A slut. An easy
score.
CAPEMAN
What relevance does THIS have?
POWER MAN
Your father was a limp noodle, Capeman. Your mother had to look
elsewhere for someone to satisfy her sexual desires.
The music swells.
POWER MAN
Capeman… I AM YOUR FATHER!!!
CAPEMAN
Oh.
The music stops.
POWER MAN
Oh? What, no “Oh no, please god not that?” No dramatic
scream of despair? Just… “Oh?”
CAPEMAN
Well, I still don’t see any relevance to the fight. So you’re
my dad. Big deal.
POWER MAN
[aside]
Stupid predictable Lucasian plot twists!
CAPEMAN
Don’t feel bad, dad. They’ve just been done to death.
POWER MAN
Death? Oh, yes. That reminds me.
KERPOW!!! Power Man knocks the crap out of Capeman sending him flying backwards.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP - SFX SHOT
Capeman impacts on the Vegas strip creating a large trench as he crashes.
He skids to a stop in front of what’s left of city hall. Slowly,
Capeman picks himself out of the trench.
CAPEMAN
Well, at least it can’t get any worse!
A shadow overtakes him. Capeman looks up.
CAPEMAN’S POV
Power Man is holding the statue of Capeman over his head and slams
it down on Capeman.
BLACKOUT
FADE IN
UNDERGROUND
Capeman flicks open a lighter and the dark small dark hole is illuminated.
The statue is staring blankly at Capeman who is lying on his back.
CAPEMAN
Damn. It was modeled after Jimmy Carter!
[a beat]
Oh, who am I trying to kid? I can’t beat Power Man! I’ve
been spanked ever since I came back! What am I going to do now?
The plaque from the statue falls on Capeman’s stomach.
CAPEMAN
Laven!
He picks up the plaque and looks at it.
INSERT SHOT: THE PLAQUE
Dedicated to Capeman
BACK ON CAPEMAN
He puts the plaque aside and a look of determination crosses his face.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Power Man is addressing the residents of Las Vegas. HARRY THE
HANDYMAN, THAD COFFEY, CHOCOLATE TREAT, MISTER HILTER, DORIS WINCHESTER,
and ELVIS can be seen among the crowd.
POWER MAN
Capeman has been defeated as have several other superheroes.
Now, I will say this one more time… turn total control of the city
to me
or I will kill you all like piss ants!
CAPEMAN
[off camera]
Excuse me.
POWER MAN
Oh, what is it this time?
Power Man turns around to see Capeman holding the stature like a baseball
bat.
CAPEMAN
I believe you dropped this.
BLAMMO! Capeman sends Power Man flying into orbit.
HARRY
Wow, home run!
CROWD
CAPEMAN! CAPEMAN! CAPEMAN! CAPEMAN!
Capeman takes a moment to smile at the cheering crowd and then takes
off after Power Man.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I’m going to sleep with that man someday!
EXT. THE NIGHT SKY
Power Man is flying through the air spinning head over heals.
Capeman flies up next to him.
CAPEMAN
Hi, remember me?
POW! Capeman slams his fist down on Power Man’s head sending the villain rocketing to the ground.
EXT. THE DESERT
Power Man hits the ground causing a he crater to form. Capeman
lands next to it as Power Man leaps to his feet.
POWER MAN
You pathetic FOOL! Haven’t you realized that I am far more powerful
that you?
CAPEMAN
No, Power Man, but I have learned this… it’s not the fame and the money
that makes you a hero, it’s the will to fight for what your believe
in
and to never give up. Also, it’s—
BLAM! Power Man socks Capeman in the jaw. Capeman flies
backwards a few hundred yards before landing on the dessert sand.
CAPEMAN
Ow! He didn’t even let me get to the good part!
Power Man lands next to him.
POWER MAN
Got any thing to say before I rip out your intestines?
CAPEMAN
Just one.
POWER MAN
And what would that be?
Capeman quickly pulls out a walkie talkie.
CAPEMAN
NOW!
POWER MAN
What?
KLANG! A giant metal hand grabs Power Man and hoists him into the air. By the light of the full moon, we see that it is the MECHA-CHINCHILLA.
INT. SENESTRA’S OFFICE
Senestra is piloting the giant robot as Rock and Tank look on.
SENESTRA
As much as it pains me to assist Capeman, I’d rather aid the forces
of good than be ruled by a worldwide dictator! This planet is
MINE!
EXT. THE DESERT
Mecha-Chinchilla slams Power Man down on the ground and then steps
on him like a bug. Capeman reacts to the gooey crunch.
CAPEMAN
That’s going to be sore in the morning.
[to Mecha-Chinchilla]
Thanks for your help, Senestra. I owe you one… actually,
come to think of it… you owed ME one for not arresting you when this
whole
Mecha Chinchilla thing started… so I guess you owe ME one…
Power Man grabs Mecha-Chinchilla’s foot and, unknown to Capeman, begins
to lift it above his head.
CAPEMAN
But, then again, if I owe you and you owed me… I guess that makes us
even, right?
CRASH! Power Man brings Mecha Chinchilla crashing down on Capeman shattering the robot into a million pieces.
INT. SENESTRA’S OFFICE
As before.
SENESTRA
Well… that’s another hundred million down the crapper.
I guess we’d better get to work on the next robot of death and destruction.
She just to her feet and points dramatically.
SENESTRA
TO THE RADIO SHACK!
ROCK & TANK
THE RADIO SHACK!
All three of them run out of frame.
EXT. THE DESERT
Power Man, who is pretty bloody and beaten up by this point… picks
up Capeman, who is also bloody and beaten up, and holds him in the air.
POWER MAN
When will you get it through your thick skull, Capeman? I AM
STRONGER!
Power Man, holding Capeman by the collar, takes off into the sky.
POWER MAN
I actually studied what exposure to this planet would do to our physiology
and I did everything I could to enhance the effect! I was beaten
up a lot in high school and now, this is my revenge! No matter
what
you do, Capeman… I’ll always be ten times stronger than you!
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Atop the Mirage Casino, Power Man lands with a barely conscious Capeman.
POWER MAN
People of Las Vegas, as you can see… Capeman is defeated and now, I’m
going to destroy this pitifully tacky city and every single human in
it!
[to Capeman]
…and there’s nothing you an do about it!
Power Man unleashes his eye beams with full fury leveling the city.
People run and scream in terror. Capeman looks at the destruction,
then at Power Man, then at the city, and then back at Power Man.
Slowly, Capeman’s broken hand tightens into a fist.
CAPEMAN
No…
His fist begins to shake.
CAPEMAN
…I won’t…
His fist shakes some more.
CAPEMAN
…LET YOU!!!
The scene slows to a crawl as Capeman propels his fist towards Power Man’s face. Power Man, confident in his invulnerability, smirks and lets the punch come.
Suddenly, there is a flash of light that envelops Power Man. The
villain looks up and sees a giant spaceship looming overhead. He
looks back at Capeman and his approaching fist and a horrible realization
washes over his face.
POWER MAN
[slowed down]
Ooooooooooh, shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
SPLAT!!! Capeman punches Power Man. The effect is quite gory as Capeman’s fist goes THROUGH Power Man’s skull and causes the villain’s head to explode. Power Man’s headless body falls backwards and off the rooftop.
EXT. THE MIRAGE
The body falls off the rooftop and into the decorative volcano which
erupts in a hail of fire and pyrotechnics. Everyone on the street
cheers as triumphant music blares.
EXT. THE MIRAGE ROOF
Capeman collapses onto his back and sighs.
CAPEMAN
So this is how Capeman dies. One of those “fight the ultimate
villain until both parties die of exhaustion”. What a pity Superman
already did that.
Two figures land on the roof behind him. It is JAYAR and MUH’DON’AH.
MUH’DON’AH looking about twenty years older.
Ku’lark?
CAPEMAN
Go away, I’m dying.
JAYAR
Get the medical kit, dear. I’ll tend to our son.
Jayar bends down and Capeman opens his eyes.
CAPEMAN
Oh, it’s you… My father whom I thought was my father until your former
lab assistant told me he was my father.
JAYAR
What?
MUH’DON’AH
[arrives]
He’s obviously delusional. Here, this will make you feel better,
son.
CAPEMAN
Wait a minute… if you’re here then that must mean that I’m dead!
JAYAR
No, your mother and I are quite alive. Krapton never blew up
like I thought it was going to. It turned out that I was analyzing
the crust of a hot pocket instead of our planet. My bad.
So,
how are you feeling?
CAPEMAN
Better. Much better.
Jayar and Muh’don’ah help him up.
CAPEMAN
[points to spaceship]
What is that thing?
JAYAR
It’s the royal Kraptonian starcrusier, Dues Ex Machina.
We used
it’s yellow ray to take all of Power Man’s power away.
MUH’DON’AH
We’re very proud of you, son. You knew that Power Man was going
to whoop you like a little crack whore, but you just kept on coming
and
kept on coming. You never gave up.
CAPEMAN
No, I… I’ve learned that you should never quit fighting for what you
believe in.
JAYAR
And now, my son, you can come home with us and rejoin the planet of
your birth.
CAPEMAN
I’d like that… “dad”, but you see…
Capeman walks over to the side of the building and indicates a cheering
crowd.
CAPEMAN
This is my home now. These are my people and they depend on me.
The human race is entering a new millennium and they’ll need a protector.
MUH’DON’AH
But the worldkiller is coming! It’ll wipe out this
planet in
a little more than three years!
CAPEMAN
All the more reason for me to stay, mother.
JAYAR
Then stay, my son. Stay and protect this planet… Capeman.
Jayar and Capeman hug. Muh’don’ah and Capeman hug. Jayar
and Muh’don’ah fly into the air and into an open airlock on the ship.
JAYAR
Farewell!
The airlock closes.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
The giant spaceship begins to fly down the strip as it takes off.
Capeman flies along side of it as the crowds below celebrate. Confetti
falls from above as celebration music is played.
The ship accelerates leaving Capeman behind and zooming off into the heavens. Capeman waves good-bye one more time and then swoops down over the city.
INT. GRANNY GOODNESS ORPHANAGE
Sister Brothers and several CHILDREN are watching news coverage of
Capeman flying triumphantly over Vegas.
LITTLE GIRL
Hey, look! Capeman did it! He won!
LITTLE BOY
Pay up, sister.
Sister Brother’s glares at the boy and then hands him a twenty dollar bill.
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP
Capeman flies through the city as the citizens celebrate. Fireworks
go off in the air as the celebration music continues. Capeman, smiling
and waving to the crowd, flies off towards the horizon and the rising sun.
As he flies out of sight, The Blue Fairy flies into frame, giggles, and
then (like Tinkerbelle) hits the screen with his wand causing the picture
to…
BLACK OUT
THE END