THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.01: "Revenge is Sweet"
THE ORIGINAL VERSION!
Written by Jason "Tom Cruise" Donner
NOTE: This "pilot" episode was written as a one time gig to get back at the real Liam Smith for writing his "Jay and Jason" show. This episode pretty much sucks - I freely admit that - but it also screws up continuity. My advise... pretty much ignore this one. In fact, just don't read it unless you're bored.
FADE IN:
We see an apartment. No furniture. The Door opens and LIAM, DONNER, and
JAY walk in carrying various boxes and bags. They are followed by MR.
HILTER.
HILTER
...no pets, no parties, no loud music, no
dancing, and most of all, no Suddenly Suzan. I
hate that frickin' show.
LIAM
You can count on me, Mr. Hitler.
HILTER
It's HIL-TER. Not Hitler. Hitler was the
scourge of Europe in the 30's and 40's. I, on
the other hand, will only be the scourge of you
and anyone else living in this building.
LIAM
Oooooookay.
HILTER
I've got my eye on you, Liam Smith.
Mister Hilter storms out of the room and slams the door. A chunk of the
ceiling falls and hits Liam on the head knocking him unconscious.
DONNER
[to Jay]
I don't know about you, but I like this place!
OPENING TITLES
(Sung to the theme of the Patty Duke Show)
Meet Liam who's walking on thin ice,
he wrote a show that wasn't nice,
and now it's time to get him back,
we've moved him to this li'l shack...
AND he's gonna pay!
'Cause he's Liiiiiiam!
He's really Liam and you'll find...
He's gonna pay,
He'll rue the day,
He'd better get on his knees and pray
'Cause he's gonna see
that he shouldn't mess...
...WIIIITH...
...MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
OLÉ!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- A 4000 pound Sally Struthers trying to get you to feed the children.
- An unemployed Dion Warwick trying to get you to call Psychic Friends.
- A commercial for a FOX sitcom that will be history by next week.
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"
Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARS
Jason Donner as "Donner"
Jayelle Correy as herself.
RuPaul as "Chocolate Treat"
John Goodman as "Elvis"
and
Pia Zadora as "The Hopping Woman"
special appearances by
Siegfried and Roy
and special guest star
Ginger Spice as "Spicezillia"
FADE IN:
Liam is on the couch (which appeared over the commercial break and,
believe me, you DON'T want to know where we found it). He's got a big
bump on his head and Donner and Jay are watching the first episode of the
new sit-com Jason and Jay on a TV.
JAY
Can you believe that crap like this is allowed
to air?
DONNER
Well... it IS the FOX network.
JAY
True.
DONNER
I think the only thing worse than this show
would be a show solely written for revenge in
which the writer of the first show would be
subjected to all forms of various torture,
ridicule, and humiliation.
JAY
Yes, but not even FOX would stoop THAT low.
DONNER
There's always UPN.
Liam stirs and awakens.
LIAM
Mommy, can I wear the jammies with the feet?
[he looks around]
Did I say anything odd?
JAY
Define odd, Liam.
LIAM
In my sleep... did I say anything about my big
mean younger sister holding my head in the
toilet and flushing it for an hour?
DONNER
No.
LIAM
How about the time some bullies in school
stripped me naked and tied me to the flag pole
upside down?
JAY
No.
LIAM
How about the time that my date for the senior
prom dumped me for another woman?
DONNER
No.
LIAM
Jammies with the feet?
JAY
Bingo.
LIAM
Ah... well... Forget about all that other stuff,
would you?
JAY
[turns off tape recorder]
Sure thing, buddy.
LIAM
[leaps off couch]
Well, let's get me moved in, shall we?
DONNER
[with mock enthusiasm]
Oh, LET'S!
LIAM
Jay, honey, would you hand me that box.
Jay walks over and picks up a box. She starts toward Liam but looks inside the box curiously. She picks up a strange device.
JAY
Swedish made penis enlarger pump?
LIAM
It's not mine! Honestly!
Liam snatches the device from Jay and puts is aside. The doorbell
rings.
LIAM
I'll get it.
JAY
Duh, it's your apartment.
Liam opens the door revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT standing there a good four
or five inches taller than Liam wearing a skin-tight red leather
miniskirt.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hi, I'm Chocolate Treat... I live next door.
LIAM
[enchanted]
Liam Smith... I live here.
TREAT
You're cute.
LIAM
You're heavenly.
DONNER
Uh, Liam... I think that she's a...
TREAT
I've never felt this way about another man
before.
LIAM
Me neither.
JAY
Liam, I think that's a...
TREAT
Say you'll marry me!
LIAM
I will! I will marry me!
DONNER
Liam, I really think you should...
LIAM
SILENCE! Can't you see I've found true love?
Come with me my sweet, the Chapel O' Love
awaits!
Liam picks up Chocolate Treat in his arms and whisks her away. Jay and
Donner watches them go.
JAY
Is it just me, or was Chocolate Treat a...?
DONNER
It wasn't just you.
JAY
So, what do we do now?
DONNER
I don't know, I guess we could unpack the rest
of Liam's stuff.
JAY
Oh, hey... YEAH! And while we're at it, why
don't we just paint his f-[bleep!]-king walls!
Jay give Donner an "are you stupid?" look and the two of them plop down
on the couch to watch the rest of the "Jay and Jason" show.
DONNER
Contrived crap.
JAY
Totally unbelievable.
DONNER
Brain-numbing garbage.
JAY
You want popcorn?
DONNER
Sure.
Mister Hilter enters.
HILTER
Liam, you left this box of teddy bears
downstairs and... Wait a minute... Where's
Liam?
JAY
He eloped with this tall... uh... lady next
door.
HILTER
Tall... lady?
[a look of terror washes over his face]
It's wasn't... Chocolate Treat, was it?
JAY
Yeah.
HILTER
Oh no! I must stop them or it will happen! It
will actually happen!
DONNER
What? What will happen?
HILTER
The end of the world!
Hilter runs out.
JAY
The end of the world?
DONNER
Bummer.
Music Sting
FADE OUT:
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- A preview of a Costner movie that no one will waste their money on.
- A Pontiac commercial with a Patrick Stewart voice-over.
- A commercial from the Gap featuring skinny, skanky, crack addicts.
FADE IN:
A cheap little wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Liam enters in a tuxedo and
Chocolate Treat enters in a long wedding dress. Crunch and Larry are in
the pews watching on. Crunch is crying.
LARRY
Why Crunch, I had no idea you were such a softy
at weddings.
CRUNCH
No, I just lost 40 grand at craps!
LARRY
Ouch.
Liam and Treat approach the ELVIS IMPERSONATOR presiding over the ceremony.
ELVIS
We are gathered here today, baby, to unite...
Elvis points at Liam.
LIAM
Liam Smith.
ELVIS
...and...
Elvis points to Treat.
TREAT
Chocolate Treat.
ELVIS
...in the bonds of holy matrimony.
[a beat]
You're name is Chocolate Treat?
TREAT
I got the nickname in girl scouts.
LIAM
I peed on myself in scouts, so my nickname was
wee-wee!
ELVIS
That's sad, kid.
LIAM
Can you please get on with it so I can get me
some sex?
ELVIS
All right, the short version.
[points at Liam]
Do you?
LIAM
Yes.
ELVIS
[points at Treat]
Do you?
LIAM
Yes.
ELVIS
Good. You're married. Kiss her.
Liam and Treat kiss. Mr. Hilter runs in.
HILTER
NO!!! DON'T MARRY THEM!!!
ELVIS
It's too late, I already did.
LIAM
And now I'm going to get me some sex!
HILTER
You fools! Do you have any idea what you've
done!?
CRUNCH
[crying]
I lost my ass in Las Vegas, man!
HILTER
Besides that!
TREAT
No.
CRUNCH
No.
ELVIS
No.
LARRY
No.
LIAM
Yes.
Everyone looks at Liam.
LIAM
Uh... I mean... no.
HILTER
Chocolate Treat, I was assigned to you by your
parents to make sure that you never got married.
TREAT
Oh, so that explains why you dumped boiling
grease on that old boyfriend of mine, Harvey
Firestien!
HILTER
Treat, you are part of an ancient tribe of
Canadian Druids who died out in the darks ages.
LIAM
1977?
HILTER
Right. Anyways, these Druids died out and I
swore I would make sure that you, the last
Canadian Druid never got married!
TREAT
But why?
HILTER
Because, the union of you and a man would bring
about ZORN THE UNMERCIFUL!!
LIAM
Zorn the Unmerciful? But all I want is a little
sex! Who's Zorn the Unmerciful?
All of the sudden, flames erupt in the middle of the floor and, when
they subside, three demons stand there. ZORN, HALKON, and RGIHINOB.
ZORN
I AM ZORN THE UNMERCIFUL!
HALKON
I AM HALKON THE UNSPEAKABLE!
RGIHINOB
AND I AM RGIHINOB THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE!
HILTER
Gasp and egads! Three demons from the pit have
come to bring about the end of all creation...
thanks to LIAM SMITH!
Everyone looks at Liam.
LIAM
[whining]
Hey, all I wanted was a little sex!
ZORN
Choose the form of the destroyer!
LIAM
Choose?
TREAT
Oh, I see... Liam, honey, this is like
Ghostbusters where they had to choose the form
of the hideous beast that would destroy the
world.
HILTER
RIGHT! Liam, clear your mind! Don't think a
single...
He looks at Liam who is staring blankly.
HILTER
Well, no danger there.
[yells]
Everyone, don't think a single thought! Don't...
ZORN
The choice has been made!
HILTER
What?
CRUNCH
Sorry!
HITLER
Dammit!
Zorn and the other demons vanish. Muffled booming footsteps are heard in the background.
ELVIS
What's that?
CRUNCH
It can't be!!!
Everyone runs to a window and look outside where a thousand foot GINGER SPICE is trampling down the Vegas Strip.
TREAT
My god...
HILTER
...it's...
LIAM
...SPICEZILLA!!!
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT:
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- One of the Sci-Fi Channel's many ads to try to get people to watch the
pathetic "First Wave".
- An ad for Frosted Flakes with a free choke-inducing toy inside.
- Another ad for "First Wave"
FADE IN:
Spicezilla is destroying Las Vegas. Dozens of nerds scramble out of the
Las Vegas Hilton as The Star Trek Experience is stepped on. Spicezilla
breathes on the Stratosphere which falls onto Circus Circus causing a
little bitty car packed full of clowns to careen into the Mirage and get
eaten by Siegfried and Roy's white tigers. Siegfried and Roy run out of
the Mirage and look at the devastation in Las Vegas.
SIEGFRIED
Oh, Roy! Dis is terrible!
ROY
Vhat can ve do to stop dis destruction!?
Liam, Treat, and Hilter run into them knocking them to the ground.
LIAM
Sorry! We didn't see you there! We were
running from the... HEY! You're Siegfried and
Roy! You guys are great! I've never seen
magicians as gay as you!
ROY
VHAT!?
LIAM
I mean it, I've never seen magicians as happy
and gay as you two!
SIEGFRIED
Err... right... happy and gay.
Siegfried and Roy nervously look at each other and Siegfried notices
Hilter.
SIEGFRIED
Hilter, my old friend!
HILTER
It's been a long time, Siegfried. Good to see
you, Roy.
ROY
Oh, Hilter, you must save us from Spicezilla!
SIEGFRIED
You are zee only von who can do it!
LIAM
Mr. Hitler! Can YOU save us from Spicezilla?
HILTER
It's Hilter... and no, I cannot save the world
from Spicezilla. But I do know ONE MAN who can!
TREAT
Who?
HILTER
The defender of all that is good... the savior
of the downtrodden... the man with really,
really big muscles.
SIEGFRIED
Nine! You don't mean...?
HILTER
Yes, Siegfried! I must call upon... CAPEMAN!
LIAM
Who the hell is Capeman?
Everyone stares at Liam.
TREAT
What do you mean, "who is Capeman?". Honey,
Capeman is the resident superhero in Las Vegas.
Why, he took on the Hounds of Cerebus! He fought
the invaders from Uranus! He saved us from the
Frontier Casino Worker's Strike!
LIAM
So, I take it that Capeman is some kind of a
superhero?
HILTER
Yes.
LIAM
So, call him!
HILTER
Siegfried... Roy... I will need your help!
SIEGFRIED
You have it!
LIAM
So how do you call Capeman, anyway?
ROY
Vith... a song!
SIEGFRIED, ROY, and HILTER
(sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls")
Come and save us mighty Capeman
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la.
Come and save us only you can!
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la.
So we sing this silly song!
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la.
So get your ass here. Don't take long.
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, laaaaaaaaaa.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAAN!
SIEGFRIED
It's Capeman!
ROY
Vee are saved!
Spicezilla's foot smushes Siegfried and Roy. Hilter, Liam, and Treat
react in horror.
LIAM
SWEET JESUS!
Spicezilla prepares to step on the trio when all of the sudden, the
superhero CAPEMAN flies down and holds the monster's foot in place
allowing Liam, Treat, and Hilter to escape.
CAPEMAN
Never fear citizens! CAPEMAN is here!
TREAT
Oh, he's so handsome!
LIAM
Hey, you're my wife now!
Capeman throws Spicezilla into the sky and vaporizes her with his heat
vision. Ashes fall all over Las Vegas. He flies down and approaches
the three survivors.
HILTER
Wow, Capeman! You really saved the day!
CAPEMAN
Nonsense. I do this because it's my duty!
A five-year-old boy walks up to Capeman and pulls on his tights.
BOY
Capeman. You're my hero. Can I have your
autograph?
CAPEMAN
Got ten bucks?
The boy hands Capeman a ten dollar bill and gets his autograph.
CAPEMAN
My work is done here. Tah!
Capeman flies away leaving Hilter, Liam, and Treat standing there.
LIAM
[claps his hands and rubs them together]
Well, now that THAT'S out of the way, can I
please get some sex now?
TREAT
You sure can, sweet buns!
Treat and Liam join hands and skip off to the Mirage to get a room.
HILTER
Oh, Liam... I think I should tell you that
Chocolate Treat is a...
[a pause]
Oh, I guess he'll find out soon enough.
A limo drives up and Donner and Jay stick their heads out the window
JAY
Hey, Mister Hilter. What's the dilly-o?
HILTER
Capeman just saved Las Vegas.
DONNER
[innocently]
Capeman? Here? Reeeeeeeeally?
HILTER
Really.
[a pause]
That's an interesting mask you have there,
Donner. It looks a lot like the one that Capeman
wears.
DONNER
[rips mask off]
Uh... yeah. They're selling them at the Forum
Shops at Caesar's Palace.
JAY
But we didn't go to Cea--
Donner elbows Jay in the ribs.
JAY
Riiiiiiiight. Forums shops. Right.
FADE OUT
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- 5 minutes of black because some incompetent boob at the station forgot
to put a tape in.
FADE IN:
The honeymoon suite of the Mirage. Liam and Treat walk into the room
and Treat sits Liam onto the bed.
TREAT
You just sit there for a minute.
Treat begins to undress and the camera closes in on Liam who begins
jumping up and down in anticipation of finally getting some sex. Shot
now shows only Liam as he watches Treat disrobe.
LIAM
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh...
[Liam's smile disappears]
...BOY!!!???
EXT: THE MIRAGE
The song "The Crying Game" begins to play as we hear Liam's hideous
scream pour out into the Vegas night.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:
Liam's Apartment.
Liam is lying on the couch as Jay and Donner watch TV.
DONNER
Oh, you're awake.
JAY
About time.
LIAM
Whu... What happened?
JAY
You got conked on the head by a piece of the
ceiling and've been out of it ever since.
DONNER
Yeah... you were mumbling something about
swirlies and being naked on a flagpole and
jammies with feet.
JAY
...and something about Ginger Spice.
LIAM
Man, I had the weirdest dream! I dreamed I went
to Las Vegas and married my next door neighbor
and we brought about the end of the world and...
it was weird.
JAY
Did we ask?
TV
This just in! A prison break has just occurred
in Georgia! Hundreds of inmates are running
rampant!
DONNER
[backing out of the room]
I, uh... have to go and get some air.
Donner leaves.
TV
...and here comes Capeman! The day is saved!
Anyone got a ten dollar bill?
JAY
Look, I have to leave too, Liam. Have a nice
day.
Jay leaves leaving Liam alone.
LIAM
Well, I'm just glad that the whole thing was a
dream and...
There is a knock at the door. Liam goes and answers it and sees...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hi, I'm your new neighbor! You're cute!
LIAM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS