THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.10: "The Fandom Menace"
Written by Jason Donner
FADE IN
EXT. OUTER SPACE
In a sequence mirroring the opening of Star Wars, the title "THE
LIAM SMITH SHOW" races away from the camera and out of sight in a
massive and beautiful starfield as the Star Wars theme blares.
The following text slowly scrolls onto the screen:
EPISODE XVIII¾
Realizing the awsome box-office performance of
his movies, GEORGE LUCAS released an updated
version of the hit film STAR WARS with brand new
sceens and special effects. It made truckloads
of cash.
Then came THE PHANTOM MENACE, yet another box
office boon for the director. Yet, as the year
2000 dawned, Lucas realized that it would be
another two years before the next installment of
the Star Wars Saga would be ready to make
billions of dollars.
So, utilizing the first Star Wars movie, Lucas
and INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC re-edited, re-
cut, and re-shot several scenes in A NEW HOPE.
Chewbacca was digitally removed and then
digitally re-added for no expressed reason.
Muscles were added to Mark Hamil's pathetic
frame and white icing was digitally added to
Carrie Fisher's cinnamon bun hairdo. Thus, STAR
WARS: THE SUPER DUPER SPECIAL EDITION was born.
Even now, this new version of Star Wars is
opening in LAS VEGAS to a sold-out crowd of Star
Wars fanboys, but by re-re-doing one of the
greatest classic movies in history, has George
Lucas gone to far?
The words continue to crawl out of sight on the screen until one little
sentence appears mid-way through.
Your ad digitally inserted here. Contact George
Lucas for more details...
The words finally crawl into the blackness of space leaving the vast
starfield. The camera pans down and down and down through the stars
until a RADIO TOWER comes into view with the letters WSUX written on the
side. We here radio transmissions now.
PAUL HARVEY
...and he never killed another immigrant
again in his life. And that man was, Walt
Disney. And now you know... the rest of
the story.
VOICE
Paul Harvey's "Rest of the Story" has been
brought to you on W-S-U-X by Snapple! And
now, here's Wild Dog Dan with Songs under
the stars.
INT. THE RADIO STATION
Radio DeeJay Wild Dog Dan sits at the microphone smoking a cigarette.
DAN
Howdy, listeners... This is Wild Dog Dan
speaking to you on K-SUX. SUX Radio... And
now it's time to give away those tickets to
go see the sold-out Star Wars: The Super
Duper Special Edition tonight. That's
right, Wild Dog Dan has three tickets to see
the movie and I'm going to give them away right
now. I'm just going to randomly select a
number in the Las Vegas area and if that person
answers with the name of his favorite Star Wars
character, he's a winner! Let's dial that
number right now!
CUT TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT: RIGHT THAT VERY MOMENT
LIAM is watching TV when CHOCOLATE TREAT enters.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Liam, honey... I'm "entertaining" a client of
mine. You got any cookies I can borrow?
The phone rings. Liam gets up to answer it.
LIAM
Check in the kitchen.
Chocolate Treat goes into the kitchen.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Where at in the kitchen?
LIAM
Check inside the cookie jar.
Liam picks up the phone.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Where?
LIAM
The jar! JAR!
WILD DOG DAN
[on phone]
Jar Jar! We've got a winner!
LIAM
You've got a what?
WILD DOG DAN
What's your name?
LIAM
Uh... Liam Smith. But, what...?
WILD DOG DAN
Liam Smith, you've just won three tickets to
the sold-out Star Wars: The Super Duper Special
Edition. You and two of your best friends
will be taken to the show in a stretched limo
and be given VIP treatment all the way! How
do you feel about that?
LIAM
How does who feel about what, now?
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "YMCA")
Let's get... in the very front row,
for it's time... for the Liam Smith Show.
And the best part... is that it don't take much dough.
So let's... have... a... good... time...
YE-AH!
DAH! DAH! DAH! DAH! DAH!
It's fun to read it: L-I-A-M!
So come on and watch: L-I-A-M!
The most fun you can get,
on the whole internet,
if you don't count sex shows.
YE-AH
L-I-A-M!
L-I-A-M!
L-I-A-M!
L-I-A-M!
DAH! DAH! DAH!
OLÉ!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARRING
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Paul Harvey
Jar Jar Binks
Joel Shumacher
Bobcat Golthwaite
as
"Wild Dog Dan"
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
and
Chris O'Donnell
as
"Robin"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR
George Lucas
as
"Jedi Master, George Lucas"
FADE IN
LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on the couch looking at the three tickets he has just
won.
LIAM
Wow!
HARRY THE HANDYMAN enters.
HARRY
Hi, Liam, whacha doin'?
LIAM
Harry! You won't believe this! I've won three
tickets to the premier showing of Star Wars: The
Super Duper Special Editon tonight!
HARRY
I'd love to go!
LIAM
Oh, wait... I don't think you under--
HARRY
[interrupting]
Ever since I was a little Handyman, my fondest
memory was of my daddy taking me to see Star Wars.
Liam, you don't know how much you asking me to
go means to me... particularly now, on the
anniversary of my father's death.
LIAM
Oh... uh... Well...
[he gives in]
It's... the least I can do.
Harry pats Liam on the back.
HARRY
You're a good man, Liam. Who gets the third
ticket?
LIAM
I'm thinking of asking Stacy VaVoom.
HARRY
You mean... as in... asking her?
LIAM
Yep.
HARRY
Wow, you're going to ask Stacy out.
Gee, ever since she moved in, every man in
the building's been after her because she's
so hot!
LIAM
I don't want to ask her because she's hot,
Harry. Okay, I want to ask her because she's
hot... but not just because she's hot! She's
kind, and tender, and she's got a good heart.
Those are what I find most endearing about her.
HARRY
...and, man have you seen that rack?
Harry cups his hands over his chest to simulate large breasts.
LIAM
Yes... I have seen her rack and it's
breathtaking.
HARRY
So, when are you going to ask her?
LIAM
I called her up a few minutes ago telling her
I had some home-made cookies I was giving out
to all the tenants and she'll be here to get
hers in a few minutes.
HARRY
I'm impressed. You're very calm.
LIAM
I am a pillar of...
The doorbell rings.
LIAM
...CRAP! She's here! What do I do? What do
I say? Who am I? What am I doing here? Momma!
Liam collapses to the floor in a fetal position, sucking his own thumb.
Harry picks him up.
HARRY
[slaps Liam]
Get a'hold of yourself, man!
LIAM
[comes out of it]
T-Thank you, Harry. I-I... Just a little
panic attack, that's all.
Liam answers the door. STACY VaVOOM enters.
LIAM
Hi, Stacy.
STACY
Liam, it's so sweet of you to offer me some
homemade cookies. The underprivileged kids
I work with will love them.
LIAM
Yes...
A long pause.
STACY
So, where are they?
LIAM
[oblivious]
Where are what?
STACY
The cookies?
LIAM
What cookies?
STACY
The cookies you promised?
LIAM
RIGHT! The... The cookies! I'll... I'll
just... You... wait here a second!
Liam runs to the kitchen where the sound of clattering and glass
breaking can be heard off camera.
STACY
Is he feeling all right? He's not acting
normal.
HARRY
...and when has he ever acted normal?
STACY
Point taken.
Liam comes out of the kitchen with a tray on top of which are piled some
black cookies.
LIAM
Here you go.
Stacy takes the plate and picks up a cookie.
STACY
Oh, homemade... Oreos?!
[sarcastically]
Just like mother used to make.
LIAM
Stacy! Let me come clean, all right? I wanted
you to come down here today because I won some
tickets to the premier of Star Wars: The Super
Duper Special Edition tonight and... I was
wondering... You know, if you're not doing
anything... If you'd like... You know...
STACY
Why, Liam, are you asking me on a date?
LIAM
You're disgusted, right?
STACY
No... just a little shocked. I mean, I always
thought you were gay!
LIAM
[saddened]
Gee... If I had a nickel for everytime I
heard that.
STACY
Liam, I'd love to go with you.
LIAM
I understand, Stacy. You'd rather be seen with
a much more handsome man who can...
[a beat]
Wait a second, did you just say yes?
STACY
Yes, Liam. I'll see you tonight.
Stacy leaves. Harry slaps Liam on the back and laughs.
HARRY
Congratulations, Liam!
LIAM
At long last... I've finally got a date!
HARRY
Two dates.
LIAM
Two dates?
HARRY
I'm going too, remember? I'll be with you
and Stacy all night!
Liam freezes.
HARRY
Hey, I'll see you tonight.
Harry leaves. Liam remains frozen.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!
- I feel like chicken tonight. Like chicken tonight.
- My baloney has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN
EXT: THE MOVIE THEATER ON THE STRIP
The marquee displays the words "STAR WARS: THE SUPER DUPER SPECIAL
EDITION". A huge line of fanboys stretches from the ticket window to
down the strip. A limo pulls up.
INT. THE LIMO
Liam, Stacy, and Harry are looking at the line.
STACY
Wow, look at that line.
LIAM
Yeah, this movie must be popular.
STACY
Hey, isn't that Chocolate Treat over there?
EXT. THE LINE
Chocolate Treat approaches a fanboy dressed as Luke Skywalker.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hey, honey, looking for something to do while
you're waiting in line? I could think of a
few ways you can you the force if you
catch my...
[she sniffs]
Good God, honey, how long you been waiting in
line?
HORNY FANBOY
Fifty-two hours. Now, what about using the
force?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, you ain't using nothing on me 'till you
get a shower!
[she looks further down the line]
Oh, hey! There's a guy dressed as Chewbacca.
I wonder if the wookie wants some nookie...
Chocolate Treat stomps off.
INT. THE LIMO
LIAM
Well, luckily for us, we don't have to wait in
line to get tickets. We just have to wait in
line to be let into the theater.
Liam opens the door.
EXT. THE STREET
Liam gets out of the limo.
FANBOY #1
LOOK! It's the midget who played R2-D2!
The fanboys mob Liam.
LIAM
Gah! Get them off! Get them off!
Harry and Stacy get out of the limo.
STACY
They're attacking Liam!
HARRY
We've got to do something!
STACY
[yelling to fanboys]
HEY! LOOK! IT'S THE GUY WHO PLAYED DARTH
MAUL!!!
She points to a guy across the street.
FANBOY #2
Ray Park!
FANGIRL #1
I want his autograph!
FANBOY #3
Darth Maul rules!
The fanboys and girls stamped across the strip and attack an innocent
French tourist. Stacy helps Liam get to his feet. His tuxedo is ripped
to shreds.
STACY
Liam, are you okay?
LIAM
[dazed]
But, momma, I don't wanna shower with the other
boys in gym!
[he comes out of it]
Whoa! That was freaky-deaky.
HARRY
You know, you do look like the midget
who played R2-D2.
STACY
Come on. Let's get in line before something
else happens.
FADE TO:
THE LINE
Liam, Stacy, and Harry are waiting patiently.
FADE TO:
THE LINE
Liam, Stacy, and Harry have switched places and are still waiting.
FADE TO:
THE LINE
Liam, Stacy, and Harry have switched places again. Liam is tapping his
foot, Stacy has sat down on the sidewalk, and Harry is checking his
watch.
FADE TO:
THE LINE
The three have switched places again. Stacy is tearing a piece of paper
into tiny strips and dropping them. Harry is lying down on the sidewalk
asleep. Liam is staring blankly up into the sky.
FADE TO:
THE LINE
Same as before, the waiting continues. Now Harry is checking his
fingernails, Stacy is twirling her hair, and Liam checks his watch.
LIAM
This is ridiculous! We've been waiting
almost nine minutes!
STACY
When are they going to let us in?
HARRY
Can't be that much longer.
A fanboy, GARY, turns to the three.
GARY
Hi, I'm Gary. Are you looking foreword to
this movie as much as I am?
STACY
I guess so.
LIAM
Sure.
HARRY
Whatever.
GARY
I sure am glad that Star Wars is getting a
re-release especially after that awful
Phantom Menace movie.
LIAM
Wait a minute, I saw The Phantom Menace
and I thought it was just fine.
GARY
Ha! Are you kidding? Paper-thin characters!
A poorly written story! Third-rate dialogue!
An annoying, racist, alien sidekick! Please,
I'd give the Phantom Menace a "D"...
A "D+" at the most.
STACY
Uh-huh... So how many times did you see it?
GARY
Nine... Not counting those first three times.
STACY
Okay... Thank you.
[quietly]
Nerd.
JASON DONNER walks out.
LIAM
Hey, it's Donner!
STACY
Hey, Donner! Over here!
DONNER
Well, spank me like a naughty stewardess.
Liam, Harry...
[lecherously]
...Stacy.
HARRY
What are you doing here?
DONNER
At this theater? I own it.
STACY
You own it?
DONNER
No, I own it. A little thing I like to run
on the side.
LIAM
Well, maybe you can tell us when we're going
to get into the show!
DONNER
Just after I announce the winners of the KSUX
tickets.
LIAM
But that was...
DONNER
[to the crowd]
Can I have your attention, please?
The crowd silences.
DONNER
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few
moments you will be seated for Star Wars: The
Super Duper Special Edition, but first...
The crowd applauds, hoots, and hollers.
DONNER
[mumbles]
Geeks.
[normal voice]
First, I'd like to introduce you to the winner
of the VIP package tonight...
Donner reads a slip of paper.
DONNER
Liam Smith! Oh, hey... Congratulations, Liam.
LIAM
Thank you.
The crowd applauds Liam.
DONNER
Liam won the tickets by naming his favorite
Star Wars character which was... Jar Jar!
The applause stops.
FANBOYS
[murmurs overlapping]
Jar Jar? What, is he kidding? This guy likes
Jar Jar? Jar Jar sucks! What a looser.
DONNER
[laughing to himself]
Jar Jar. I loved that little guy.
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Mom, do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?
- SUUUUUUUUUURGE!!!
- Kraft CHEESE and Maceroni, Dammit!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN
INT. THE THEATER
Liam, Harry, and Stacy get seated in the VIP section.
STACY
It's about time. I thought we'd never get in
here.
LIAM
It's like I always say, patience is it's own
virtue.
STACY
You've never said that!
LIAM
Well, I'm gonna start! How much time until
the movie starts, Harry?
HARRY
'Bout five minutes.
LIAM
So, five minutes plus fifteen minutes of
previews, ten minutes of commercials and five
minutes to account for projectionist stupidity...
we're looking at another half-hour!
Liam, Stacy, and Harry sigh.
HARRY
I could go get some popcorn and sodas!
Liam looks at Harry, looks at Stacy, and sees an opportunity.
LIAM
Yeah, Harry. Why don't you GO and get us some
drinks and popcorn?
Harry leaves.
LIAM
So, Stacy... I haven't gotten a chance to...
Harry returns.
HARRY
I need some money.
LIAM
Er, just a second.
Liam hands Harry a ten dollar bill. Harry leaves.
LIAM
Like I was saying, I wanted to tell how happy
I am that...
Harry returns.
HARRY
I need a twenty.
Liam gives him a bill.
LIAM
Here's a fifty! Beat it!
Harry leaves.
LIAM
Now, Stacy... I just wanted to say that...
Gary the fanboy sits next to Liam.
GARY
Hi!
LIAM
Gah! This is impossible!
Gary pulls out a notebook and pen ready to take notes on the movie.
GARY
Five minutes 'till the movie starts!
STACY
Great... sitting next to you during a special
edition Star Wars movie? I predict two hours
of hearing you say, "That's different! Oh,
that's different! They changed that too!"
GARY
[laughs]
You're funny. Actually, I'm keeping track of
what's changed in this movie for the underprivileged
kids I work with who didn't have to money or
the health to come here on their own.
STACY
[interested]
Really?
GARY
Yeah, I love the little tikes. There was a point
in my life where all I would do was sit around the
house and watch the Sci-Fi Channel. Now, after
giving underprivileged children a chance for a
brighter tomorrow... Well... I can't imagine how
I lived so long when my life was so empty.
[he wipes away a tear]
...but I'm sure you don't want to hear me blab.
STACY
On the contrary, Gary, I think you're fascinating.
LIAM
Uh, Stacy? What about...?
STACY
Quiet, Liam, can't you see I'm talking to someone?
LIAM
But this was supposed to be my...!
Harry returns carrying two small cokes and a small popcorn.
HARRY
This was all I could get for fifty.
LIAM
I just can't win! What the hell else can go
wrong!?
THE PROJECTION BOOTH
The projectionist has been tied and gagged and, at the projector, a man
is loading a roll of film. The man turns to the camera and we see that
it is film director, JOEL SHUMACHER.
JOEL SHUMACHER
Yessss! They all laughed at me for may last
movie, Batman and Robin, but sssssoon...
sssssooon, they will shower me in accolades for
my new Batman movie which I am showing here
in the place of that stupid Star Wars thing!
Joel Shumacher laughs maniacally as he starts the film.
INT. THE THEATER
Harry, Liam, Stacy, and Gary are sitting. Gary and Stacy are deep into
conversation. The theater darkens.
LIAM
Look! The movie's starting!
THE MOVIE SCREEN.
The following words appear on screen:
"JOEL SHUMACHER PRESENTS"
"A JOEL SHUMACHER FILM"
"STARRING JOEL SHUMACHER and CHRIS O'DONNELL"
"BATMAN: FORBIDDEN PASSIONS"
The batcave fades in. Joel Shumacher is playing Batman and Chris
O'Donnell is Robin.
BATMAN
You know, Robin, I've been meaning to say these
words to you for a long time. Robin?
ROBIN
Yes, Batman?
BATMAN
I love you.
ROBIN
Oh, Batman!
Batman and Robin embrace and begin making out.
THE THEATER
As before.
HARRY
What the hell is this crap?
LIAM
It looks like George Lucas digitally altered
C3P0 and R2D2 to look like a gay Batman and a
gay Robin.
GARY
My eyes... BURNING!
STACY
I can taste bile coming up in my throat!
LIAM
It's horrible! HORRIBLE!
HARRY
Dear God in heaven! Save us!
THE THEATER
A wide shot. Theater patrons begin screaming and panicking. Many go
for the doors but find they have been locked from the outside.
Pandemonium ensues. Many are trampled in the riot that follows. A few
spontaneously combust.
THE PROJECTION BOOTH
Joel Shumacher is watching Batman and Robin do the "Ain't It Great to Be
A Gay Crimefighter" musical dance number.
JOEL SHUMACHER
It's beautiful! Beautiful!
There is a pounding at the door.
DONNER'S VOICE
All right, Shumacher! We know you're in there!
Come out!
JOEL SHUMACHER
Never! You'll never stop me!
A NEW VOICE
Maybe he can't, but I can!
JOEL SHUMACHER
That voice! It's can't be! It's...
The door explodes outwards raining debris on Shumacher. The smoke
clears to reveal GEORGE LUCAS holding a lightsaber.
JOEL SHUMACHER
So, George Lucas, we meet again at last. When
you last saw me, I was but a learner... now I am
the master.
GEORGE LUCAS
Only a master of evil, Joel.
Joel Shumacher gets out a double-bladed light saber and the two
directors begin to fight each other.
THE THEATER
The panic-stricken riot continues.
LIAM
This is terrible! What do we do? What do we do?
JAR-JAR
[voice-over]
Usen dah force, Liam!
LIAM
Jar-Jar! This is not a good time!
STACY
Liam, who are you talking to?
JAR-JAR
You-sa being trusting Jar-Jar on this-en one,
boy-oh.
LIAM
What do you mean?
HARRY
He's lost it! He's gone bonkers!
GARY
Who can blame him! Look at what Batman and Robin
are doing now!
Stacy, Gary, Harry, and Liam look at the screen and scream in terror.
JAR-JAR
Liam, everybody's got a bit of dah force in 'em.
So do you! Use it to get yourself free!
LIAM
I will, thanks Jar-Jar!
Liam walks up to the locked door and extends an arm to it. The
doorknobs begin to jiggle slightly.
THE PROJECTION BOOTH
Joel Shumacher and George Lucas are still fighting.
JOEL SHUMACHER
You are weak, old man! It is useless to--
George Lucas kicks Joel Shumacher in the groin. Joel doubles over
coughing.
GEORGE LUCAS
You are beaten, Shumacher!
JOEL SHUMACHER
Maybe so, but know this... George... I am
your father!
Lucas stares at him.
GEORGE LUCAS
No you're not.
JOEL SHUMACHER
Damn.
George Lucas whacks Joel Shumacher's head off.
GEORGE LUCAS
Looser.
George walks over to turn the new Batman movie off.
THE THEATER
Liam is still trying to use the force to open the door. He is sweating
and gritting his teeth. Suddenly, the door flies open.
LIAM
I did it! Look, everyone! I did--
The crowd tramples Liam to get out the door.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE MOVIE THEATER - AN HOUR LATER
George Lucas, Harry, Liam, Stacy, and Donner walk out together.
DONNER
Well, George, I'm sorry this showing turned out
to be such a disaster.
GEORGE LUCAS
No problem, Donner, there will be other showings.
Such is the way of the force.
DONNER
Well, Joel Shumacher has been dealt with, the new
version of the Star Wars movie is secure,
and - most importantly - I'm still safe.
LIAM
[to Stacy]
Well, Stacy, can I take you home?
STACY
I'm sorry, Liam... But Gary wants to show me
pictures of all of his kids he takes care of.
You understand, don't you?
LIAM
Of course I do. Tell me, do you need a baby wipe?
STACY
Why?
LIAM
To clean the blood off your hand after ripping
my heart out!?
STACY
You're funny.
She kisses him on the cheek.
STACY
Good night.
Stacy and Gary leave.
HARRY
Wow, tough break man.
LIAM
Rejection hurts more than anything else in the
world.
DONNER
Gee, I thought you'd be used to it by now.
LIAM
Shut up.
GEORGE LUCAS
I must be going. May the force be with you all.
George slaps a button on his lapel.
GEORGE LUCAS
Beam me up.
George Lucas disappears in a wave of sparkles. No one notices.
DONNER
Well, I've got to get going too. I have an
appointment to bang a supermodel on a pile of
cash.
Donner leaves.
LIAM
Some date, huh Harry?
HARRY
I had a good time.
LIAM
I guess that's all that matters.
Liam and Harry get into the limo and drive off towards the rising sun.
INT. MISTER HILTER'S APARTMENT
Mister Hilter is watching TV. He looks at the camera.
HILTER
Hi, I'm Mister Hilter.
FADE OUT
THE END
ROLL CREDITS