Hi, it's me... Jason Donner, the guy who writes this internet sit-com that so many of you appear to be enjoying. Well, now we come to "For Better or Verse" and I have to tell you that this episode makes very little sense. To tell you the truth, I was prescribed some painkillers, went to sleep, and woke up to find this episode already written on my computer. I wish to apologize in advance for the coming tale of stupidity.
FADE IN: EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - DAY A man stumbles down the street sweating and obviously delirious. This is PATIENT ZERO He stumbles a few times and finally leans against a light post for support. CHOCOLATE TREAT approaches him. CHOCOLATE TREAT Hey, honey. You looking for a good time? PATIENT ZERO Am I looking for a good time? What a silly thing to say! You'd do better just to keep on walking and going on your way. For you see, I've been infected by a very nasty disease, and nothing you have to offer can make me feel at ease. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, you're a poet! I love poets! PATIENT ZERO I'm afraid you don't understand what I'm trying to communicate, now run! Run away! Make like Flo-Jo before it's too late! CHOCOLATE TREAT That's so cute! Patient Zero coughs and steadies himself. CHOCOLATE TREAT You okay, honey? PATIENT ZERO Oh dear, it looks like my and your future is now in doubt, because it looks like I'm about to up and pass out... Patient Zero passes out face-down onto the sidewalk. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, the poor dear. Let me get you so help. Chocolate Treat picks up Patient Zero with one arm and walks off to Upda Creek apartments. MUSIC STING FADE OUT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Theme Song (sung to the theme of "We Didn't Start the Fire") Harry the Handyman, Senestra's evil plans, lycanthropes, Stacy's hopes, Mister Hilter's many mopes. Chocolate Treat, Vegas heat, Fluffy the Hamster's dead meat, Thad Coffey, favored toffee, Bippo's a maniac. Scary ghost, burned toast, Capeman's worth the most, Gary's sore, Satan's bored, I can't take this song no more! Why did I start this series? I had no real reason to write a whole season. Why did I start this series? I don't know, but it'll keep a going... a going... a going... OLÉ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARRING Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter" GUEST STARRING RuPaul as "Chocolate Treat" Cameron Diaz as "Stacy VaVoom" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Neil Patrick Harris as "Gary the Fanboy" and Jason Donner as "Donner" SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY Chris Kattan as "Doctor Killemall" AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR Roberto Benini as "Patient Zero" FADE IN INT. Upda Creek Apartments Lobby - Day MISTER HILTER, STACY VaVOOM, and GARY THE FANBOY enter. HILTER Well, Gary, welcome to Upda Creek Apartments. GARY Thank you sir. STACY You're going to love it here. GARY I'm sure I will. Gary and Stacy kiss. HILTER Ick, that is just not right! STACY What do you mean? The fact that I, a beautiful woman, am now going out with a zit-faced greese spot? GARY Uh... STACY Well, let me tell YOU something, Mister Hitler.... HILTER Hilter. STACY ...when I look at Gary, I don't see a little four-eyed geek with no life, a funny smell, and yellow-gaped teeth! GARY Wait a minute... STACY I see the person inside... I see a small little boy who just wants someone to touch him and not say, Hey! I'm touching a total looser who'll never score in his entire life! Gary starts crying. Stacy hold him and glares at Hilter. STACY There! See what you did? You've made him cry! Hilter opens his mouth to speak, but then decides against it and walks off where he meets up with LIAM SMITH who is coming down the stairs. LIAM Hey, Mister H. What's shakin'? HILTER [looks at Gary and Stacy] My faith in a higher power. LIAM Is Gary the Fanboy moving in here? HILTER ...so he can be closer to Stacy. LIAM Well, at least I won't be the most pathetic person in the building anymore. Silence. LIAM Well, don't you agree? HILTER I'm thinking about it. CHOCOLATE TREAT enters with PATIENT ZERO under her arm. She sits him on the couch. CHOCOLATE TREAT I've got a wounded man here! STACY My god, what happened? CHOCOLATE TREAT I met him on the street. He took one look at my hot body and keeled over. HILTER You know, the same almost happened to me. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh really? Was it Love? HILTER Heart attack. CHOCOLATE TREAT Mister Hilter, I can't believe that you're being so rude! We've got to get this poor man a doctor or at least some food! HILTER Okay, okay... Gary, you dial 911! GARY Right! What's the number? Hilter slaps Gary upside the head. GARY Sorry sir, I'm right on it. Gary leaves. LIAM What do you think is wrong with him? CHOCOLATE TREAT What do you think I am? A specialist or a doc? Well, I think that your speculation is just a big crock! LIAM What's with the rhyming? CHOCOLATE TREAT I'm really not sure, but I can't seem to stop! I feel like I'm going to rhyme until I friggin' drop! HILTER This is not the time to joke, my dear... your tact is really little! We should, instead, concentrate on getting this man to the hospital! LIAM Great, now you're doing it! Gary enters. GARY I went and dialed 911 just as I was instructed! They should be here shortly if they are to be trusted! LIAM More rhymes! HILTER Oh dear lord, Liam's correct! We're talking in verse! I don't understand how this situation could get worse! LIAM There's something about this man Chocolate Treat brought inside. He looks as though he is sick and that's a fact you can't deny! Holy crap, now it looks like I'm the one who's rhyming! I guess that's what I get for all my rampant whining! STACY This is terrible and quiet and unexpected turn! I'm getting nervous! My stomach's starting to churn! HILTER Everyone calm down! There's no need to have a panicked fit! I'm sure it's an air-borne virus. Yes I'm sure that has to be it! We're all infected now that's a fact that we can't forget! We've got to close off the building before epidemic levels are hit! Donner enters. DONNER Hi, guys, what's sup? Everyone moans. DONNER Well... screw all of you! I'm leaving! LIAM Donner, you can't leave! There's something you need to hear! You have to stay in this building. It's a fact you need to fear! We've been infected with some kind of mean and nasty virus! It's festering and festering and festering all inside us! DONNER What's with the bad poetry? Listen, I've got a poem too... There once was a man from Nantucket, who had a di... HILTER [interrupting] The rhyming's a side effect of the virus, I'm sad to say, Now, you've got to stay here. There's simply no other way! DONNER Why should I? I don't wanna get sick! STACY If you leave this building, your going to spread the plague, and if you do, it's going to take every single doctor in the Hague, to cure what is sure to be a rampant epidemic! DONNER Well, to me, it sounds like nothing more than a bad story-telling gimmick. LIAM Oh woe is we, you just finished Stacy's verse! HILTER I'm afraid that the situation has gone from bad to worse! DONNER Why is it that everytime I come here, bad things happen to me? I should have never come here! Why is only now that I see? Gary looks out the window. GARY I've got some good news! Salvation is at our front door! There's doctors and police and ambulances and more! HILTER More? What do you mean more? Did you say that right? GARY Yes, I meant more. More as in: a dozen men dressed in white. CHOCOLATE TREAT Dressed in white? STACY The thought fills me with fright! LIAM It is quite a sight! GARY This doesn't seem right! HILTER Those men in white, I know who they are! I recognize that sleazy man getting out of that car! It's that disreputable doctor from the center for disease control! His name is Doctor Killemall and he has a very dark soul! LIAM What harm could he do us? Is he going to screw us? HILTER I imagine he will, the threat is for real! DONNER He's putting on a suit made out of plastic! CHOCOLATE TREAT He's going to come in! I'm starting to feel spastic! DOCTOR KILLEMALL enters in an isolation suit. KILLEMALL I'm Doctor Killemall and I am hereby placing Upda Creek Apartments under quarantine. No one is to enter or leave this building! HILTER Now see here, you mean and stupid man! I know that this disease is your doing! I know you have a plan! KILLEMALL That man on your couch is patient zero in a plague in France. We eventually wiped out the epidemic and were attempting to cure him when he escaped and somehow made it to Las Vegas. LIAM You said that there was a cure. Yes, I'm sure that's what you said! Why don't you give us that cure before this rhyming makes us dead! KILLEMALL Well... there was a cure. We... kinda... bombed France with a thermonuclear warhead. GARY I take it that kind of solution wouldn't work for us. DONNER No, it wouldn't you ignorant little cuss! I don't wanna die! I like living too much! You must have a cure! An antidote or such! KILLEMALL We're working on a cure right now. Be patient and we'll have all of out of here in time for supper. You will stay here, won't you? HILTER We could. GARY Sounds good. LIAM Understood. STACY We really should. DONNER Knock on wood. KILLEMALL Right. Killemall leaves. HILTER Right, well our course of action should remain pure. No one can leave, and - above all - no one should enter! BIPPO THE CLOWN enters BIPPO Hi guys, what's up? Everyone moans and sinks into their chairs. FADE OUT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK - www.ebay.com - www.okpayme.com - www.hot-teenage-sluts.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ FADE IN: UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY: AS BEFORE Everyone is seated including Bippo who has, by now, succumbed to the rhyming plague. BIPPO If you ask me, we should each draw straws, we're probably going to be in here for a while and, after all, after a while we're going to loose our will power, so we should decide now which one of us we're going to devour. HILTER No one's going to eat anyone. Not while I'm still here. You can take your suggestion and shove it up your rear. LIAM Can we please not fight? It's a self-defeating tactic! Come on, we're all adults! Can't we all act it? BIPPO I nominate Liam to be the main course! CHOCOLATE TREAT Yes, let's eat Liam! He's healthy as a horse! STACY How many calories are in humans? I don't want to get fatter! HILTER Jesus H. Christ! You're all mad as a hatter! GARY Mister Hitler is right! Right on the money! We've only been here for an hour! [to Stacy] Right Honey? STACY Of course, your correct my zitty little man. We shouldn't eat Liam, we should formulate a plan! LIAM Plan, what plan? What plan can we make? What sort of action do you think we can take? HILTER Our faith must reside in Doctor Killemall, though I hate to say this, to his we're all lab rats whose lives aren't worth a piss. DONNER May I say something about this whole affair? I hate you and blame you all for this. So there! Doctor Killemall enters in his isolation suit. KILLEMALL Good news. We're formulating an antidote as we speak. In another hour, you're all going to be cured. HILTER Doctor Killemall, I have to speak out about this situation. I doubt your methods, your convictions, and especially your station. You cannot tell me that you didn't want to let this disease get out in the open, to spread and fester in the population from here to Hoboken! KILLEMALL Mister Hilter, the disease is making you hallucinate and see things that aren't there! I have no intention of letting this disease spread! You have to trust me! HILTER Trust you with our lives? You must take me as a fool! I'd rather have my balls torn off by a rabid pit bull! KILLEMALL That can be arranged! HILTER Don't you dare threaten me! I'll expose you to the public! You'll be ruined and rightly so! You people make me sick! KILLEMALL Okay, so what if I am trying to spread the disease? What are you going to do, expose me? I'm the only one who can cure you all! LIAM Well, we're up against a brick wall. It's finished. That's it. DONNER [to Killemall] Now get out of here and get to work you slimy little sh... HILTER [interrupting] ...QUIT! Killemall leaves. DONNER Party pooper. GARY Well, THIS is super! HILTER We're getting nowhere arguing amongst ourselves! We must find the answer to our dilemma... I think it'll be on these shelves! Mister Hilter goes to the bookshelf and grabs a book. STACY Care to enlighten us as to what you are seeking? HILTER A reason why Killemall is allowing this disease to go a'leaking. Ah ha! I think I found it! Look at this really old yearbook! That's him! That's our man! That's our sleazy little crook! As you can see by this entry in the year nineteen eighty three, That's our man, Killemall! Yes, I'm sure that is he! LIAM What kind of yearbook do you have? Will you show it? HILTER It's the yearbook of Shakespeare College! A School for professional poets! LIAM Poets! Poets! Of course, now it all comes together! STACY I'm shocked! You could knock me down with a feather! DONNER What the hell are you all talking about? Are you all out of your mind? You're talking with enormous clout! You're forgetting that we're in a bind! You don't have the slightest clue what Mister Hilter is referring to! I say that all of the pretense is through! Now, tell us what the hell is going on, before I hit these people with my shoe! LIAM He's right, I... I don't get the connection you've made. STACY Neither do I. My confidence is starting to fade. HILTER Don't let it fade to much, my pretty, pretty dear! I've got the evidence! Salvation is near! GARY Explain! Explain! We're all in suspense! CHOCOLATE TREAT Yes, explain! You're making us feel tense! HILTER Our man Killemall wanted to be a world-reknown poet, unfortunately, he had no talent for which to show for it! And so, to obtain revenge... the one thing that he desired, he went to a secret lab and a rhyming disease he sired! He released in France, in the city of lights, to a horrified population filled with fear and frights! After that initial test, he thought that it'd be best, to release it in the USA, as he has done on this very day. It's sick, it's sad, it's really diabolic! This disease is worse than herpes, gingivitis and colic! Killemall has been listening in the background and now has a gun. KILLEMALL So, you've figured it out, Hilter... Yes, I wanted to be a famous poet like the other dozens of famous poets that the world's never heard of! I wanted to write the Hallmark cards! I wanted to be the next Doctor Suess! LIAM But why release a disease like the one you gave us? It seems a weird way to get revenge! Very dangerous! KILLEMALL This isn't about revenge, you silly, stupid, silly person! This is about making me a famous poet! CHOCOLATE TREAT How will making us rhyme make YOU a famous poet! This plan is incomplete and I still want to know it! KILLEMALL [to Chocolate Treat] By making the world rhyme my dear... ma.. uh... lady... Uh, sir... No, ma'am? [he thinks about it] ...fellow human entity... I will be the greatest lyricist in history! The man who made the world rhyme! I'll be famous! I'll be rich! I'll be... YOWCH! Bippo emerges from behind Killemall with a large portion of Killemall's isolation suit bottom and boxer shorts in his teeth. BIPPO I've the perfect idea! I've already begun! You know how I said we should eat one of us! I pick this guy! He's the one! KILLEMALL You fool! You breached my isolation suit! I've been exposed! It's the truth! LIAM Ha! Now you're a rhymer also, you bastard! You'd better work on that cure even faster! KILLEMALL I've already made the cure! Don't you see it's the key! When the world's full of rhymers, the only normal man will be me! Killemall takes out a vile and hold it up. KILLEMALL I'm going to take the cure while you sit in anticipation! You're all going to rhyme until the end of creation! Everyone rushes to stop him but he manages to inject the antidote into his arm. KILLEMALL Ha, you silly cretins! The games over and I'm the winner! I'm an expert at deception and you are but beginners! BIPPO THEY may be beginners, but me... I am a seasoned pro! You're goose is cooked, Killemall! I'm gonna show you what fo'! KILLEMALL What fo'? What a stupid and awkward link! What the hell are you talking about, you simple little dink! BIPPO When I bit your ass, I lifted from your pocket, the vile of antidote as quickly as a rocket! Bippo holds up the real vile of antidote. LIAM Hooray for Bippo! You're a genius and a saint! But what's in Killemall's vile, if the antidote it ain't? KILLEMALL Yes, tell me now! I want to know if I'll come to harm! What the hell did I just inject into the veins of my arm!? BIPPO Your plan was almost flawless, but in one department it lacks, you had no way of knowing that I carry viles on concentrated anthrax! Blisters and boils begin to appear on Killemall's face. KILLEMALL Gasp and egads! I'm fraught with frowns! To be defeated... by a... homicidal... clown! Killemall collapses and dies. Soon, his disease ridden body up and liquefies. LIAM Gross! GARY Nasty! HILTER Horrible! CHOCOLATE TREAT ...and sick! STACY An appropriate end to a bonafide dick! FADE OUT -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK - Calgon, take me away! - ...with the power of scrubbing bubbles! - Take a bite out of crime! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN LIAM'S APARTMENT: THE NEXT DAY Liam, Stacy, Mister Hilter, Bippo, Donner and Gary a sitting around discussing their recent experience. HILTER ...and, since the particular anthrax strain that Bippo used isn't an airborne variety, the center for disease control had no reason to quarantine us... again. GARY Thank god Doctor Killemall's antidote worked on us all. Shame we didn't save any for the millions of other infect people in eastern Europe, Africa and South America... BIPPO ...Screw 'em! It's not like they're American or anything! LIAM There's just one thing I don't understand. STACY, GARY, and HILTER ONE THING? LIAM Bippo, why in the world do you carry viles of anthrax in you pockets? I mean, maybe it's just me... but I find that a little... odd. BIPPO There's nothing odd about it, Liam my friend. You see... I keep viles of anthrax on had for the coming apocalypse from below. CHOCOLATE TREAT Apocalypse from below? BIPPO Yes, Mister Hilter, the apocalypse from below. A beat or two of silence. LIAM So, you wanna fill us in about the apocalypse from below? BIPPO [sighs] Very well... [he stands. Menacing music begins] In 1997, I was given a vision by Albert Einstein in a lucid dream where I was naked in a field of thistles. In this dream, I was given information about a race of underground inhabitants who live below the streets of Las Vegas and are awaiting the right time to come from their labyrinths and strike and devour millions. Only I... can stop them when that day comes. Only... I. STACY Oh... well, that makes perfect sense. HILTER But you should keep in mind that anthrax is a very dangerous disease that should be handled with extreme care and caution. LIAM That's right, Mister Hilter, when you have viles of anthrax... be smart. The NBC public service sounder, "The More you Know", plays in the background. DONNER You were NAKED in a field of THISTLES!? FADE OUT THE END ROLL CREDITS