THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.15: "This Episode Sucks"
Written by Jason Donner
FADE IN
THE LAS VEGAS SKYLINE - TWILIGHT
The sun slowly dips down behind the buildings as the blinking neon signs
come to life. Menacing music plays.
FADE TO
A dark room. Situated in the middle is a coffin. The camera dollies
around the coffin revealing a bumper sticker that says "If this Coffin's
a'rockin', Don't come a'knockin'". Camera zooms in on the coffin lid as
it slowly starts to OPEN. MUSIC STING.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
A storm is building in the background. Lighting and thunder crashes.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
MISTER HILTER is sitting at his desk in the lobby going over some
papers. LIAM SMITH walks through the lobby and stops to see what he's
doing.
LIAM
Whatcha doin'?
HILTER
Stuff.
LIAM
What kinda stuff?
HILTER
A new tenant's moving in tonight.
LIAM
Tonight? How odd. I would figure you'd move in during the
day.
HILTER
Well, the new guy has some kind of dermal condition that
causes blisters, sores, and flames to erupt on skin.
LIAM
Michael Jackson?
HILTER
I said he was odd but not THAT odd!
LIAM
Right, so what's the new guys name?
DRACULA appears in a puff of smoke and a flash of light.
DRACULA
Greetings... I am... DRACULA.
Liam and Hilter stare at him of a second.
HILTER
[shakes Drac's hand]
Mister Hilter
LIAM
[shakes Drac's hand]
Liam Smith. Pleasure.
HILTER
Welcome to Upda Creek Apartments. Would you like something
to drink? Coke? Beer? Wine?
DRACULA
I do not drink... wine.
Dracula begins to laugh maniacally. Soon, Liam and Hilter start
laughing along side him thinking that they missed out on some kind of a
joke.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
Please note: I like this theme so much that this is not the new
permanent theme song! (Betcha thought I'd never make up my mind, huh?)
(sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV!
Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARRING
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
David Peckipah
as
"Satan"
Fluffy the Hamster
and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Sir Anthony Hopkins
as
"Doctor Van Heilsing"
Peter MicNichol
as
"Renfield"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR
Gary Oldman
as
"Count Dracula"
FADE IN
CHOCOLATE TREAT'S APARTMENT
This is the first time since the series started that we have seen the
inside of Chocolate Treat's apartment. The place is filled with pink
fluffy furniture, lava lamps, blacklights, handcuffs, chains, and dozens
of candid pictures of Liam, Mr. T, and a couple other people. CHOCOLATE
TREAT is in the center of the room doing Tae Bo when the doorbell rings.
She sighs and answers it.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Coming!
[mumbling]
Interrupting my private time with big sweaty Billy Blanks...
She opens the door revealing DRACULA looking elegant, handsome, and
stunning.
DRACULA
Good evening.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Eep!
She slams the door.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hot damn! A man!
She opens the door again and behaves more seductively.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Helloooooooooo, nurse!
DRACULA
I do not believe we have met, my dear. I am Dracula. I
just moved in down the hall.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
My name is Chocolate Treat... I melt in your mouth and not
in you hand.
She takes his hands and then lets go.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Speaking of hands... baby, you been sticking those things in
the freezer?
DRACULA
Poor circulation. I apologize. Will you... invite me
inside?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, I see... you think I give it up on the first date?
DRACULA
No! No! No! I just... do not wish to enter until I am
invited.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, so you think I'm too stuck up to give it up on the first
date, is that it?
DRACULA
I am not implying anything! I am just...!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I think you'd better leave!
DRACULA
What did I...
Chocolate Treat slams the door in Dracula's face.
DRACULA'S MUFFLED VOICE
...do!?
Chocolate Treat turns away from the door and slaps her forehead.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Damn! Me and that temper! I guess it must be that time of
the month!
[a beat]
Bills!
APARTMENT HALLWAY
Dracula is standing outside of Chocolate Treat's door rubbing his nose
painfully.
DRACULA
Ooooooo! Curse you, Chocolate Treat! I must feeeeeeed!
SATAN'S VOICE
Dracula!
DRACULA
Yes, Satan?
SATAN'S VOICE
Quit playing with the locals and get to work! You're there
for a reason, remember? Kill Liam Smith!
DRACULA
Yes, dark one. Consider him dead.
Dracula walks out of frame.
INT. CHOCOLATE TREAT'S APARTMENT
Chocolate Treat gets up and goes into her bedroom. There is a scream
and Chocolate Treat backs out of the room. DOCTOR VAN HEILSING follows
her out trying to quiet her.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Who are you? Get away from me or I'll yell rape!
VAN HEILSING
Vait! Vait! Vait! I mean you no harm! I am Doctor Van
Heilsing and I have come all de vay from Amsterdam to Las
Vegas. Please, I must speak vith you! It is urgent!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, you mean you're not some kind of vile sex fiend?
VAN HEILSING
No...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Rats. So, what are you? An escaped prisioner? A metal
patient?
VAN HEILSING
NO! Just let me explain!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Okay, Doctor Van Heilsing. What are you here for?
VAN HEILSING
I am here because I beleive that your new neighbor just
across the hall, Count Dracula, may be a... VAMPIRE!!!
MUSIC STING
Lighting and thunder crashes.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Are you sure you're not a mental patient?
VAN HEILSING
Trust me.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Okay... let's say that you're right and Count Dracula is a
vampire. Why didn't he bite me and suck out all of my blood
just now?
VAN HEILSING
A most peculiar trait of zee vampire is that he cannot enter
a home unless someone bid him enter. You did not invite him
in and, therefore, he could not come in!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hmm... a polite monster. Who knew? All right, Van. Can I
call you Van?
VAN HEILSING
My name is Hezikiah.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Van it is. Van, what is Count Dracula after?
VAN HEILSING
I cannot tell.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Aw, come on. You can tell me.
VAN HEILSING
No, I mean... I cannot tell because I don't know, but vest
assured... before zis night is over, vee vill know vhat
Dracula is here for... ONE vey or ANOTHER!!!
THE APARTMENT LOBBY
Mister Hilter is at his desk doing paperwork when he senses a presence.
He looks up and sees a little insane looking man, REINFIELD.
HILTER
Can I help you?
REINFIELD
My MASTER! Where is my MASTER!?
HILTER
Oh, has Chocolate Treat got one of those dominatrix things
going with you? I warned her to keep it in her room.
[sigh]
Try up in thirteen-B.
REINFIELD
Thank you.
Reinfield runs upstairs.
REINFIELD
I'M COMING MASTER!!!
HILTER
Cute kid.
CHOCOLATE TREAT'S APARTMENT
Chocolate Treat and Van Heilsing are still there talking when, all of
the sudden, Reinfield busts in.
REINFIELD
MASTER!!!
Reinfield runs over and hugs Chocolate Treat.
REINFIELD
Oh, MASTER! I've been searching for you ever since you
accidentally left me behind in the middle of Death Valley!
Oh, MASTER! You've changed! You're all soft and supple
and...
Reinfield finally looks up.
REINFIELD
You... You're not the MASTER! You are an IMPOSTOR!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Aw, he's adorable! Can I keep him?
VAN HEILSING
It's Boris Reinfield! He's Dracula's slave! Don't let him
go! He can tell us anything vee need to know about
Dracula's plans!
Reinfield struggles to get out of Chocolate Treat's clutches.
REINFIELD
No! No! I won't! I won't say anything about my MASTER'S
plans!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, yeah? Well, I've got a friend who can get any
information out of anyone! How about I give him a call?
REINFIELD
Do your worst! I won't break!
VAN HEILSING
Ve'll zee about zat. Vee have vays of making you talk.
LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on the couch watching the Jigglevision Channel. The
doorbell rings.
LIAM
Just a second!
TV
We will return to Kari Wuhrer in "The Wizard of Balls" right
after these messages.
LIAM
Kari's finest work yet.
[the doorbell rings again]
Coming!
Liam gets up and opens the front door revealing Dracula looming
overhead: fangs ready to kill.
DRACULA
LIAM SMITH!!!
LIAM
Oh, hey... listen, Mister Dracula. The gang and I are
throwing a midnight pot luck dinner to welcome you to the
apartments in a couple of hours. There's going to be a lot
of good food, good conversation, and stuff, so, be here at
midnight.
DRACULA
[evil grin]
You... Did you just invite me inside?
LIAM
Yeah, but not until midnight. I've got some... stuff do do.
Buh-bye now.
Liam slams the door in Dracula's face.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Dracula backs away from the door and rubs his beat-red nose.
DRACULA
Midnight, eh? Eeeeeeeeeeeexcellent!
LIAM'S VOICE
[filtering through walls]
YAHOO, KARI! TAKE OFF YOUR TOP!!!
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Geico... Not Gecko.
- All this for only three payements of $39.99
- Hi, I'm the gnome in your TV and I want you to kill. Kill! KILL!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN
LIAM'S APARTMENT - A FEW MINUTES BEFORE MIDNIGHT
Liam, STACY VaVOOM, GARY THE FANBOY, HARRY THE HANDYMAN, BIPPO THE
CLOWN, ELVIS, THAD COFFEY, and Mister Hilter are all present setting the
table and putting down bowls of food.
LIAM
Okay, we've got angel food cake, mashed potatoes, the jello
mold, and a bowl of potato chips and dip. Anything else?
Bippo walks over with a box.
BIPPO
I brought a meatloaf.
Bippo opens the box and shows it to Liam.
LIAM
Any particular reason why it's in the shape of a cat?
BIPPO
Decoration.
LIAM
Any particular reason why it's got cat hair all over it?
BIPPO
Er... that's angle hair pasta.
LIAM
Thanks Bippo.
Liam takes the box and gives it to Hilter who grimaces and gives it to
Stacy who doesn't even look at it as she throws it out the nearest
window. Liam walks over to Elvis.
LIAM
Elvis, it's been a while! Where've you been?
ELVIS
Busy, Liam... Very busy. Things I cannot talk about.
Things... that are just too painful... too...
STACY
I brought a pot roast!
HARRY
All right! Did you hear that, everyone? Stacy brought pot
roast!
EVERYONE
Yay!
Thad cuts a little piece off and tastes it. A horrified look crosses
his face.
STACY
The roast is all right, isn't it?
THAD
Jeez! Can I have a little meat to go with these spices?
Went a little overboard on the garlic, didn't you?
STACY
Did I?
GARY
I like a lot of garlic.
HILTER
We know.
GARY
How did you know?
HILTER
We've known since the first time you opened your mouth to
speak.
Everyone laughs.
STACY
Stop being mean to my man!
ELVIS
We will as soon as you get one!
Everyone laughs again. The doorbell rings.
LIAM
That must be Count Dracula.
Liam opens the door and, sure enough, Dracula is there looking at his
watch.
LIAM
Ah, Dracula. Right on time.
DRACULA
Not... quiet... yet. Three... two... one...
A clock strikes midnight. Dracula dramatically enters the room.
DRACULA
NOW, I am on time!
THAD
What was that all about?
STACY
Must be some kind of Romanian thing.
HARRY
Say, has anyone seen Chocolate Treat?
LIAM
I told her about the dinner. I thought she'd be here by
now.
CHOCOLATE TREAT'S APARTMENT
Chocolate Treat and Van Heilsing have tied Reinfield to a chair and have
sat him in front of a television set. DONNER is now present holding the
TV remote.
DONNER
I gotta admit, Chocolate Treat, I was suprised to get your
call. I mean, I thought you hated me.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I do. But, I need you now for my own use.
DONNER
You know... this has been the most honest relationship I've
been in.
REINFIELD
Won't talk... Won't talk...
DONNER
Oh, yeah?
Donner clicks the remote.
TV
...and now back to USA's Suddenly Susan Marathon!
REINFIELD
No! No more! I'll talk! I'll talk!
VAN HEILSING
Who sent Dracula?
REINFIELD
Satan... Satan sent Dracula.
VAN HEILSING
Satan just doesn't send people to kill for no reason! Tell
us everything you know!
REINFIELD
Satan took on a partner in hell a few months back. Some new
entity that is every bit as evil and hate-filled as he is!
Whoever this partner is... it's him who coerced Satan into
sending Dracula.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Who is Dracula's target?
REINFIELD
I can't! He'll kill me!
DONNER
So will this!
Donner clicks the TV's remote control.
TV
I love you... [] You love me... [] We're
good friends [] as friends can be... []
REINFIELD
YAAAAAAH!!! Okay! Okay! Some guy named Liam Smith!
That's all I know, I swear!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Dracula's after my little hunka man?
VAN HEILSING
You know zis Liam Smith?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Yes... and if he's in danger!
[a thought]
Eep!
VAN HEILSING
Eep? Vhat is eep? Vhat is it, my dear?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I just remembered! Liam invited me to a midnight pot luck
supper to welcome Count Dracula to the apartments!
DONNER
Pot luck supper? Why wasn't I invited!?
VAN HEILSING
Zen Liam Smith is in great danger! Ve must go zere and stop
Dracula vonce and for all!
DONNER
Yeah... and how exactly do you stop a vampire?
VAN HEILSING
Vell, first vee use a holy cross.
Donner nervously shields his eyes.
DONNER
Uh-huh.
VAN HEILSING
Zen, vee use a wooden stake!
Donner jumps back and covers his chest.
DONNER
GAH! Uh... I mean... I-I see.
Van Heilsing walks over to him with a canteen.
VAN HEILSING
Finally, vee use holy water!
Van Heilsing pours a small amount of water into Donner's hands. Donner
reacts in pain.
DONNER
IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!
VAN HEILSING
But zis hasn't been blessed! It is just ordinary tap water!
DONNER
I KNOW!!! IT BURNS!!!
LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before.
ELVIS
So, how are you enjoying Las Vegas so far?
DRACULA
It is a city that never sleeps. Admirable and quite to my
liking. Say, you look familar... do I know you?
ELVIS
A lot of people knew me... once.
Elvis walks off.
STACY
Come and get it! Food's ready!
Liam reaches for some food.
LIAM
Boy oh boy! This looks yummy!
Stacy smacks his hand with a wooden spoon.
LIAM
OW! I think you broke a knuckle!
STACY
Liam! We are your manners? Dracula is the guest of honor
and he should eat first!
DRACULA
How very considerate of you, my dear.
STACY
Would you like some potroast, count?
DRACULA
Yes, I would...
[he reaches for it but pulls away]
GAH!!! What is on that!?
STACY
Just a little garlic!
DRACULA
Get it away from me!
STACY
Don't you like garlic?
DRACULA
[composes himself]
I apologise, my dear. You see... I am somewhat allergic
to garlic.
STACY
Oh! No... I apologize! Have some spam instead.
DRACULA
[disgusted]
I think I'd rather have the pot roast!
THAD
Hey, where'd the pot roast go, anyway? It was right...
BIPPO
BELCH!!!
LIAM
Bippo! Did you eat the entire pot roast?
BIPPO
What was I supposed to do? Share?
Bippo scoffs and walks away. Gary the Fanboy walks up doing a crossword
puzzle.
GARY
Guys, help me out. What's a thirteen letter word meaning
pathetic low-life looser?
HILTER
Try this: G-A-R-Y-T
GARY
[writing it down]
G-A-R-Y-T
HILTER
H-E-F-A
GARY
[writing]
H-E-F-A
HILTER
N-B-O-Y
GARY
[writing]
N-B-O-Y.
Gary reads what he just wrote.
GARY
G-A-R-Y T-H-E F-A-N-B-O-Y!? Son of a...!
HILTER
Oh, I'm sorry Gary. Did that little crack hurt your
feelings?
GARY
No... IT FIT!!! I'll be sitting in the bedroom... alone.
Gary exits. Chocolate Treat, Donner, and Van Heilsing burst through the
door.
VAN HEILSING
DRACULA!
DRACULA
VAN HEILSING!
LIAM
DONNER?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
LIAM!
DONNER
STACY!
ANNETTE
ANNETTE!
Everyone looks at Annette until she dissapears in a puff of logic.
VAN HEILSING
Vee have got you, Dracula! You cannot escape us!
DRACULA
You are a pitiful fool, Van Heilsing! No one... not even
you... can stop me from killing Liam Smith!
LIAM
Excuse me?
VAN HEILSING
Ah, but that is vere you are wrong, count. For you see...
surrounding you are Liam's closest friends and zey vill all
fight to stop you!
THAD
Hey! The German guy's right! We're not just going to sit
by and watch this Dracula guy kill Liam, are me?
EVERYONE
No!
HILTER
GET HIM!!!
Everyone charges Dracula who simply raises his hand and freezes them all
in place.
DONNER
What the...!?
STACY
Can't... move!
ELVIS
I fell like I'm set in cement!
Dracula points to Liam who unfreezes and starts to walk towards him in a
hyptnotized state.
DRACULA
Come to me, Liam Smith! Come face your destiny!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, Van... is there nothing you can do?
VAN HEILSING
Against this kind of black magic, I am powerless!
DONNER
Then we are soooooooo screwed.
DRACULA
Of course you are!
Dracula begins to laugh maniacally as Liam get even closer to him.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- UPN: Star Trek and Wrestling... the rest is crap.
- SCI FI CHANNEL - Lexx: We are soooo sorry!
- FOX - Where good shows go to die.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIAM'S APARTMENT
Dracula is laughing manically as Liam slowly gets closer to him.
Everyone else is still frozen.
DRACULA
Yes, come... Come to me Liam Smith! The cold embrace of
death awaits...
Gary comes out of the bedroom.
GARY
Guys, what's a four-letter word for needing assitance?
EVERYONE
HELP!!!
GARY
Oh, thanks!
Gary exits.
THAD
IDIOT!!!
HILTER
We've got to do something! We can't just stand by and watch
as Liam is exsanginated!
BIPPO
Yeah, and if we don't hurry, Dracula could drain all his
blood too!
VAN HEILSING
But vhat can vee do!?
Donner looks down at the TV remote still in his hand.
DONNER
Hmmmmm...
Donner manages to press one of the buttons.
TV
...Lexx now continues on Sci-Fi Prime!
DRACULA
Lexx?
TV
Oh no! Zev left the ship to participate in the
intergalactic gang-bang on Orgasmia LXIX? Get the dead guy
and grab the funny comic-relief robot head, we've got to
visit the planet of the Tig Bitties to get her back!
DRACULA
[sheilding eyes]
So... stupid! Loosing consentration! Can't... think or...
talk normally!
Eveyone unfreezes.
HARRY
Now what?
VAN HEILSING
Vee use zee old fashioned approach!
ELVIS
What's zee old fashioned approach?
VAN HEILSING
GET HIM!!!
Everyone piles on Dracula knocking Liam out of the way. Dracula
effortlessly throws everyone off of him. He grabs Bippo the Clown by
the torso and holds him up in the air.
DRACULA
I am quite recovered now as you can see! I was perfectly
content to let you all live but now... NOW I WILL KILL ALL
OF YOU!!! Starting with this STUPID CLOWN MAN!!!
BIPPO
Who are you calling stu-- ACK!
Dracula begins to squeeze the life out of Bippo.
THAD
We've got to do something! He's going to crush Bippo to
death!
Suddenly, Bippo belches right into Dracula's face. Dracula drops Bippo
and reels backwards.
BIPPO
Excuse me!
DRACULA
What... What the hell have you been eating!?
BIPPO
Just the pot roast.
VAN HEILSING
That's it! Zee pot roast vith garlic! It has temporarally
disoriented him! We must strike now!
DRACULA
Back! Back all of you! I-- WHOA!!!
Dracula trips over the still unconsious form of Liam on the floor and
begins to fall backwards. Gary enters.
GARY
Guys? What's a three-letter word for death reaction?
Dracula falls and impales himself on Gary's pencile.
DRACULA
ACK!
Dracula dies and turns to dust.
GARY
Oh... thanks.
He writes it down.
VAN HEILSING
Zee pencile has pierced Dracula's heart unt killed zee
monster! It's as good as a wooden stake!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
So... it's over?
Liam jumps up from the floor.
LIAM
No, mamma! The underwear gnomes are real!
[a beat]
Hey, where'd Count Dracula go?
VAN HEILSING
He is gone, Liam. Dead unt gone.
LIAM
A shame. He seemed like such a nice man. Well, since we've
got all this food here... who wants to go ahead with the
midnight pot luck dinner, anyway?
EVERYONE
Yeah! I do! Sounds good! Pass me the potatoes.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Van, since Satan has already sent one minon to kill Liam,
who's to say he won't send another?
VAN HEILSING
He just might... vee cannot be certain. But von thing is
certain. Vhen or if Satan tries again... he vill be more
prepared!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Say, did we ever untie Reinfield?
VAN HEILSING
Uh...
CHOCOLATE TREAT'S APARTMENT
Reinfield is still tied up and watching Barney.
TV
I love you... [] You love me... [] We're
good friends [] as friends can be... []
REINFIELD
Yes, MASTER!!! I will obey, O purple one. I will obey!
INT. HELL
Satan and FLUFFY THE HAMSTER are watching Reinfield babble incohereently
on a big screen TV.
FLUFFY
Blast! Another plan foiled by that acursed Liam Smith!
SATAN
Do not fret, my fluffy little friend. Soon, I will unleash
yet another of my minions and not even Liam Smith will be
able to escape him! HA! HA! HA! HA! Laugh with me Fluffy!
FLUFFY & SATAN
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAAAAAA!!!!
FADE OUT
THE END
ROLL CREDITS