THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 1.16: "Touched by an Angler"
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW...
Montage of scenes from previous episodes.
EPISODE 1.02: "The Lady in Plaid"
Mister Hilter is standing at Liam's Door. Liam is holding the body of
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER.
LIAM
It's just a harmless hamster!
HILTER
It's harmless dead hamster!
HARRY THE HANDYMAN is standing in Liam's apartment.
HARRY
Damn hamsters... now THAT'S a creature that's going
straight to burn in the fires of hell and damnation for all
eternity.
SATAN appears in Liam's apartment. The hack wizard, THE AMAZING RANDO,
looks on.
RANDO
Oh hell... sorry folk, I accidentally released Satan himself
on the Earth Plane. My bad.
SATAN
Now, worship me or die like the rest of the mortals on this
puny sphere!
Jesse Ventura kicks Satan square in the nutsack. Satan doubles over in the
fetus position and whimpers pitifully before disappearing in a wave of
hellfire.
Liam is talking to THE GHOST in his apartment.
GHOST
Well, I'm off to the great beyond. Oh, before I go I have
someone who wants to say hello to you.
The ghost holds out her hands and we see that she is holding Fluffy the
Hamster.
FLUFFY
You think I died of natural causes! Bullcrap! I hung myself
with yellow yarn! I hated being your pet, Liam... and I HATE
YOU!
GHOST
I think you both need therapy.
FLUFFY
Can I get that in heaven?
GHOST
[glows red and demonic]
Who said we were going to... heaven?
FLUFFY
WHAT!? Nooooooooooooooo!!!
Fluffy and the ghost disappear in a puff of hellfire.
Episode 1.03: "The Dogs of War"
TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG looks around Liam's apartment.
TRIUMPH
You have a nice apartment...
[a pause]
...for me to poop on!
Episode 1.11: "Just Doo It"
Satan resurrects the dead Scrappy Doo on the bottom of Lake Meed.
SATAN
Do you want revenge, Scrappy Doo? Come with me! Come, and we
shall see the destruction of the one who did this to you! Come,
join our army and we shall do what I have long since dreamed of
doing... We will drag Liam Smith's soul to hell where he will
burn forever!
Episode 1.15: "The Episode Sucks"
CHOCOLATE TREAT and VAN HEILSING has REINFIELD tied to a chair.
REINFIELD
Satan took on a partner in hell a few months back. Some new
entity that is every bit as evil and hate-filled as he is!
Episode 1.14: "Capeman and Decoy"
Satan is standing in a cemetery. Fluffy the Hamster is sitting on his
shoulder
FLUFFY
Our army is more than sufficient and soon, Liam
Smith shall know the meaning of the word REVENGE!
Episode 1.15: "This Episode Sucks"
COUNT DRACULA is walking down a hallway in Upda Creek Apartments.
SATAN'S VOICE
Dracula!
DRACULA
Yes, Satan?
SATAN'S VOICE
Quit playing with the locals and get to work! You're there for
a reason, remember? Kill Liam Smith!
In hell, Satan and Fluffy are plotting.
SATAN
Soon, I will unleash yet another of my minions and not even Liam
Smith will be able to escape him!
And now, the continuation...
FADE IN
MISTER HILTER'S APARTMENT - DAY
MISTER HILTER is sitting at his TV watching the news.
TV
...in other news, US/Iranian relations hit a new low
yesterday after President Clinton's dog, Buddy, took a dump
on the Iranian ambassador's shoes.
There is a knock at the door. Hilter turns off the TV and gets up to answer
it. LIAM SMITH is standing there. He barges in and walks back and forth.
LIAM
Mister Hilter... I've been thinking.
HILTER
Liam, it's perfectly normal.
LIAM
That's not why I'm anxious! I've been thinking about Elvis.
HILTER
What about Elvis?
LIAM
Well... We really haven't had a lot to do with him lately.
HILTER
Elvis is just a private kind of guy. He doesn't like
crowds.
LIAM
Yeah, but doesn't it seem like we're excluding him? Do you
think he takes it personally?
HILTER
I don't know, Liam. If you want to get to know him, why don't
you invite him out to lunch or something?
LIAM
Lunch?
HILTER
Oh! I know! I'm planning on going fishing on Lake Meed
tomorrow. Why don't you invite him to come along?
LIAM
I don't know. Why?
HILTER
Why what?
LIAM
Why DON'T I invite him?
HILTER
I can't think of a reason.
LIAM
Then let's invite him!
HILTER
Yes!
Liam leaves. Hilter shakes his head and sinks into a chair.
INT. HELL: SATAN'S OFFICE
SATAN and FLUFFY THE HAMSTER are watching Hilter on a big screen TV.
FLUFFY
A fishing trip? Eeeeeeeeeexcellent!
SATAN
What Fluffy? What do you have in your twisted and depraved
little rodent mind?
FLUFFY
I have an agent in Lake Meed, Satan. Finally... at long
last... Liam Smith will DIE!!!
SATAN
And his soul... will be mine! HA! HA! HA! HA! Laugh with
me, Fluffy! Laugh with me!
FLUFFY & SATAN
BWAAAAA HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons")
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
It don't air on the TV!
Just right here on the net!
No networks would touch this thing,
and that is a real sure bet!
Don't you go and get depressed!
An internet show's more fun!
A lot of what you see is up to you,
Just use your imagination!
Hey you better perk up!
(better perk up!)
'Cause it's time...
(you better perk up!)
...for the internet show that's one of a kind!
You better perk up!
(better perk up!)
Don't you know?
(better perk up!)
It's time for the Liam Smith Shooooooooooooooooow!
OLÉ!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Ed Asner
as
"Mister Hilter"
GUEST STARRING
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
Fluffy the Hamster
and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
Tiny Ron
as
"The Creature from the Black Lagoon"
AND SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Lisa Kudrow
as
"The Tour Guide"
FADE IN
THE HALLWAY
Liam Smith walks up to a door and knocks.
ELVIS'S VOICE
Who is it?
LIAM
It's me, Liam Smith.
There is a silence before Elvis finally opens the door.
ELVIS
Yes, Liam, what is it?
LIAM
Can I come in?
ELVIS
Er... I... don't know.
LIAM
C'mon, Elvis! Lemme in!
ELVIS
I don't...
LIAM
Please!
ELVIS
But I...
LIAM
Oh, COME ON!!!
ELVIS
[grits teeth]
Oh, all right. Come on in.
INT. ELVIS'S APARTMENT
The place is decked out in Elvis memorabilia and pink furniture. A jukebox
in the background is silently playing "Heartbreak Hotel". Liam skips inside
and Elvis follows
LIAM
Wow! You've got more Elvis stuff here than the Elvis museum!
Maybe even Elvis himself!
ELVIS
I've got quite a collection, don't I?
LIAM
You sure do, Elvis.
[a beat]
Listen... I feel kinda funny calling you Elvis since the real
Elvis died 23 years ago. What's your real name?
ELVIS
[angry]
My real name IS Elvis! There are a FEW people in the world
actually named Elvis, you know! And let me tell YOU something,
Liam, Elvis... the real Elvis will never die! Never, do you
hear me little man?
LIAM
Whoa, sorry there chief! No offense intended!
[mumbles]
Ya freak!
ELVIS
[peeved]
What are you doing here anyway, Liam?
LIAM
[fed up]
I came to invite you on a fishing trip, you gloomy gus!
ELVIS
You came to invite... me... on a fishing trip?
LIAM
Look, Elvis, I don't know what's made you such a dick today but
I don't have to sit here and take it. We're leaving a nine
o'clock tomorrow... be there if you want. I don't care!
Liam stomps out. Elvis sighs.
ELVIS
Shouldn't have yelled at the poor kid. He just doesn't know my
pain... he just doesn't know... and it's not his fault.
FADE TO
UPDA CREEK APARTMENT PARKING LOT - 8:54 AM THE NEXT DAY
Mister Hilter is loading fishing equipment into his pick-up truck. Liam
Smith approaches holding a fishing pole.
HILTER
Morning, Liam. Where's Elvis?
LIAM
Elvis? You mean Mister "Elvis Will Never Die"? You mean Mister
"Get Mad For No Reason"? You mean... the insane impersonator
who has no life and is a complete DICK!?
HILTER
Yeah, that's the one.
LIAM
He's not coming. I made a casual remark about Elvis being dead
for almost a quarter century and he came unglued.
HILTER
Well, Elvis is just a real Elvis fanatic. Kind of Like Gary the
Fanboy and that space television show he likes to watch. You
know? It's that one where that spaceship TREKS from STAR to
STAR? I think it is called... The Spaceship Trekking
Between a Buncha Stars.
LIAM
So, it's just going to be the two of us?
HILTER
Appears that way. But if you try anything funny, I'll bash your
head in with a tackle box!
LIAM
What do you mean by...!?
Suddenly, a limousine screeches to a stop mere inches from Liam who steps
backwards and falls down.
HILTER
Who the hell!?
The DRIVER gets out of the limo and opens the back door. TRIUMPH THE INSULT
COMIC DOG hops out and trots up to Liam and Hilter.
TRIUMPH
What!? No hellos? No ticker tape parade? No red carpet...
FOR ME TO POOP ON!?
LIAM
Triumph? What are you doing back here in Las Vegas?
TRIUMPH
I'm on vacation since Conan O'Brien had heart surgery.
HILTER
I thought it was David Letterman who had heart surgery.
TRIUMPH
David Letterman... Conan O'Brien... Who gives a cat's ass!?
I'm on vacation!
[he sniffs]
Say? What's that fishy smell? Mister Hilter! Is your mother
visiting?
HILTER
[fumes]
For your information... mutt, Liam and I are going fishing.
TRIUMPH
Fishing! What a great idea! I love to go fishing! I like to
catch the fish, gut him, cook him, eat him... and then puke him
up on an expensive rug!
HILTER
I am NOT going fishing with this two-bit comic talking dog!
TRIUMPH
Fine then... I'll just stay here at your beautiful apartment
complex. Say, are those new carpets?
HILTER
[turns red]
Fine... you... can... come.
TRIUMPH
[to limo driver]
Beat it! I'll call when I need you! SCAT!
The limo driver gets into the limo and drives off.
LIAM
Okaaaaaaaaaay... I guess we're ready to go.
Elvis appears with a rod and reel.
ELVIS
Not quiet yet, Liam.
Liam turns to face him and it's pretty obvious that he's still sore about
Elvis loosing his temper earlier that day.
LIAM
What are YOU doing here?
ELVIS
You invited me so here I am.
HILTER
Great the gang's all here! Now, do you mind getting in the
pick-up before all the fish in Lake Meed evolve limbs and walk
away?
Liam, Hilter, Triumph, and Elvis gets in the pickup. Liam glares at Elvis.
Hilter glares at Triumph. The animosity in the vehicle is overwhelming.
Triumph turns on the radio and "Why Can't We Be Friends?" by Smash Mouth
begins to play as the pickup pulls out of the lot and out of sight.
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- ...now with a fresh lemon scent!
- ...coming soon to a theater near you!
- ...now in paperback!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN
THE SHORE OF LAKE MEED - DAY
Liam, Hilter, Elvis, and Triumph are all fishing.
TRIUMPH
I can't take it anymore! This is the most BORING thing I have
ever done in my entire life!!! You just cast and reel in, cast
and reel in, cast and reel in! It's so monotonous that I feel
like I'm going to get hypnotized by all the repetition!!! Oh,
sweet God above! Save me from this colossally boring fishing
thing!!!
HILTER
For heaven's sake, you stupid dog, we've been doing this for ten
minutes!
TRIUMPH
You want a piece of me, old man?
HILTER
Bring it on, fleabag!
Liam jumps up in between the two.
LIAM
Guys, please! Fighting is no way to go!
ELVIS
You tell him, Liam!
LIAM
Who asked you, you inconsiderate bastard!?
ELVIS
How'd you like me to stick this size twelve blue suede shoe up
your butt!?
LIAM
I would... LOVE to see you try!
Right before Liam and Elvis and Hilter and Triumph throw down and beat each
other senseless, Hilter's fishing pole twitches.
HILTER
Wait! Did you see that?
ELVIS
What?
The pole twitches again.
HILTER
That!
LIAM
I think you got a bite!
Hilter grabs the pole and begins to reel the line in.
HILTER
Hey, it feels like a big one!
TRIUMPH
Yeah, that's what your MOM said!
LIAM
Easy, Mister Hilter! Easy!
Suddenly, the line is pulled tight pulling Hilter into the water.
LIAM
GET HIM!
Liam and Elvis jumps in the water trying to help Hilter while Triumph remains
on the shore laughing at them.
ELVIS
I think... we're tiring him out!
BAM! The fish pulls Liam, Elvis, and Hilter out into the lake as if they are
water skiers. After a few minutes, the three men crash back into the shore.
Triumph is in tears with laughter.
TRIUMPH
That... is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen!
HILTER
Blast it all! The fish got away! This is all your fault,
Triumph!
TRIUMPH
My fault? Why is it my fault, you decrepit old fossil!?
ELVIS
Triumph! Mister Hilter! Stop fighting!?
LIAM
Who died and made you king?
ELVIS
King? King!? KING!? YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
Elvis tackles Liam and the two of the begin to fight in the water. Of
course, Liam is soon getting his ass totally kicked.
LIAM
GAH! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!!!
INT. MISTER HILTER'S PICKUP
Hilter, Liam, Triumph, and Elvis are riding back to Las Vegas and looking
straight ahead. The silence is deafening. Liam has a black eye and a bloody
nose. The song, "Lean on Me" is playing over the radio.
TRIUMPH
What a WASTED day!
HILTER
At least I got a bite.
TRIUMPH
You hooked a tree stump. Admit it, you depends-wearing, viagra-
popping, blue-cross buying, lump!
HILTER
It was a fish, dog. It was a big fish! Probably the biggest
fish in all of the lake and I let it slip through my fingers!
ELVIS
It was probably just a strong fish.
HILTER
No... It was a BIG fish, Liam. I can feel it in my bones. If
only I could have hauled it in. If only...
Hilter steps on the break causing Liam to hit the front window.
LIAM
OW!
ELVIS
Teaches you not to buckle your seatbelt!
Hilter turns the pickup around.
TRIUMPH
What are you doing you senile old fart!?
HILTER
I'm going back to the lake! That fish is mine and I and going
to catch it!
ELVIS
But, Mister Hilter, that fish is probably long gone!
HILTER
NO! IT'S THERE AND IT WILL BE MINE SO BACK OFF!!!
LIAM
So... Captain Ahab has to go hunt his whale!
EXT. THE SHORE OF LAKE MEED - MEANWHILE
At the place where our gang was fishing, bubbles can be seen in the water
advancing to the shore. Slowly, the hideous CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
rises out of the water and walks onto the shore. A fishing hook is hung on
one of his back fins and a fishing pole drags behind him.
SATAN'S VOICE
Creature from the Black Lagoon! I am calling you to my service!
Find and destroy the one known as Liam Smith!
The creature pauses for a moment thinking about Satan's message and then
slowly shuffles down the beach and towards a small lakeside town in the
distance.
FADE TO
THE LAKESIDE TOWN - A FEW MINUTES LATER
The creature walks up to a woman in a tour guide outfit by a sign that says
(appropriately enough) "Tours". The creature raises it's arms and prepare to
kill when, suddenly...
TOUR GUIDE
Why, hello there!
The tour guide vigorously shakes the creature's hand which takes the creature
off guard.
TOUR GUIDE
I LOVE your costume! You must be here for the tour! Come with
me!
The tour guide takes the creature by the hand and drags it through the town.
TOUR GUIDE
The town of Lakeside was founded in the year 1920 by immigrant
workers from Hoover Dam who couldn't get work because of the
great depression. They built the township of Lakeside which was
promptly destroyed by a flood. But the able-bodied townsfolk
rebuilt the city... which was shortly blown up by a dynamite
accident. So, they gave up... and then an Irishman by the name
of Patty O'Brien discovered something that Lakeside could use as
a chief export...
The tour guide drags the creature into a fish market where dozens of fish are
laid out for sale.
TOUR GUIDE
...FISH! That's right, Lakeside is Americas #1 producer of fish
and fish products. Lakeside kills more fish than any other city
in the world! You will never see more dead fish than in this
market!
The fish market begins to spin around the creature who is overwhelmed by the
hundreds of dead fish around it.
TOUR GUIDE
[echoing]
Lakeside kills more fish than any other city in the world!
...kills more fish! ...kills more fish! ...kills more fish!
You will never see more dead fish than in this market! ...dead
fish...! ...dead fish...! ...dead fish...! Patty O'Brien
discovered something that Lakeside could use as a chief
export... Patty O'Brien... Patty O'Brien... Patty O'Brien...!
The creature screams in fury, grabs the tour guide, and tears her limb from
limb before going crazy and trashing the fish market.
FISHERMAN #1
HEY! That guy in the fish suit just killed our tour guide!
FISHERMAN #2
And she was our only one! GET HIM!!!
The fisherman run over and the creature breaks both of their necks.
CUT TO
THE SHORE OF LAKE MEED
Liam, Hilter, Triumph, and Elvis are fishing again.
LIAM
Mister Hilter...! I don't wanna be here! Can we go home?
ELVIS
Yeah!
LIAM
I'm STILL not talking to you... freak!
HILTER
You can go home anytime you want to. Just start walking!
TRIUMPH
I'd rather walk back to Vegas than spend another second doing
this fishing thing!
LIAM
Yeah! Come on, Triumph... let's leave Khan to his wrath!
HILTER
Quiet! You're going to scare off my fish!
TRIUMPH
Aw, sniff my butt!
LIAM
There's a little town down the beach. Let's go there and call a
cab.
Liam and Triumph walk towards the town leaving Hilter and Elvis alone.
ELVIS
So... I...
Elvis shakes his head and walks off after Liam and Triumph. Hilter is now
alone.
HILTER
Here fishy, fishy, fishy...
FADE TO
EXT. LAKESIDE
The town has been trashed. Dead bodies and body parts liter the streets and
sidewalks. Liam, Triumph, and Elvis walk into frame and look around.
TRIUMPH
Holy humped mailman leg! Everyone's been turned into Kibbles
and Bits!
ELVIS
Who could have done such a horrible thing?
LIAM
Well... I suspect YOU, Elvis!
ELVIS
Liam, that's ridiculous! For all we know, YOU could have done
it!
LIAM
ME!? How DARE you!?
TRIUMPH
Fellahs! Fellahs! If you two will stop chasing your own tails
for a second and look at the clues, it's obvious to even a High
School English teacher who it was who did this!
LIAM
All right then, smarty pants, who did it?
TRIUMPH
Well, the murderer is not human. Rather he is a mutated
fish/human hybrid from the jungles of the Amazon. He stands at
six feet two inches and is covered from head to toe in green
scales. His hands and feet are webbed to allow for amazing
swimming ability. He also has a row of sharp teeth and claws.
ELVIS
How do you know that?
TRIUMPH
Elementary, my dear pooper scooper. He's standing right behind
you!
Elvis and Liam turn around and see the creature standing behind them. The
creature growls and snarls and stuff.
ELVIS
What do we do, Liam?
The creature stops snarling and stares at Liam.
SATAN'S VOICE
[echoing]
Find and destroy the one known as Liam Smith! ...Liam Smith!
...Liam Smith!
LIAM
Eep!
The creature roars and starts after Liam who runs as fast as he can. Elvis
and Triumph watch them go.
TRIUMPH
What do you think big fishy wants with Liam?
ELVIS
I dunno. Maybe he's going to eat him.
LIAM
[runs by]
HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!
CREATURE
[runs by]
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
ELVIS
Oh, Triumph! We can't just stand idly by and let some mutated
fish man kill Liam! I mean, sure... I've had my differences
with the little guy, but I don't want to see him hurt. It's
just that... he got to close.
LIAM
[runs by]
HELLLLLLLLP!!!
CREATURE
[runs by]
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
TRIUMPH
[overly dramatically]
Too close to what, Elvis? To close to what?
ELVIS
My big secret. The secret I've spent 23 years trying to
protect.
TRIUMPH
Give, Elvis... GIVE!
ELVIS
I... CAN'T
LIAM
[runs by]
WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME!?
CREATURE
[runs by]
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
TRIUMPH
Elvis, if you keep this secret bottled up you will be like the
toy poodle who ate all of the cheese. It builds and builds
inside of you and it has no place to go until, eventually, your
butt-hole blows out.
ELVIS
Well, we don't want that now do we?
TRIUMPH
I certainly don't!
ELVIS
Very well... I will reveal my big secret! Triumph, I am not an
Elvis impersonator... I am, in fact, the real Elvis!
LIAM
[runs by]
I'M GETTING TIRED!!!
CREATURE
[runs by]
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
TRIUMPH
You are not the real Elvis! The real Elvis is real dead!
ELVIS
Back in 1977 I was kidnapped by aliens and taken through a
wormhole where, because of Einstien's theory of Relativity, I
was gone for only 5 minutes... but 22 years passed on earth.
Therefore, when I got back I was the same old Elvis but it was
1998 and, according to the story made up to cover up my
disappearance... I was dead. So, I set myself up as an Elvis
impersonator and set up the Drunken Whim Wedding Chapel in Las
Vegas. There, Triumph! THAT is my big secret! Now you know...
NOW you know!
TRIUMPH
[looks at camera]
Tell me you didn't see that coming. Come on! Tell me!
LIAM
[runs by]
CRISIS! CRISIS! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!
CREATURE
[runs by]
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
ELVIS
I guess we should save Liam's butt now.
TRIUMPH
...and the rest of him if we have time. But how?
ELVIS
I will use... the PELVIS TRUST OF DESTRUCTION!
LIAM
[runs by]
SOS! SOS! ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!
Elvis jumps into the creature's path and shakes his pelvis. The creature
runs into frame.
CREATURE
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
Elvis thrusts his pelvis and knocks the creature backwards several hundred
feet into the lake.
LIAM
Elvis! You saved me with the Pelvis Thrust of Destruction!?
But... that would mean that you're the real...
ELVIS
Yes, Liam... I am the real Elvis.
LIAM
This is amazing! This is unbelievable! This is... uh...
What's the word I'm looking for?
TRIUMPH
Contrived?
LIAM
That's the one.
ELVIS
Liam, I'm sorry that I lost my temper with you earlier today and
that I totally kicked your ass a few minutes ago. It's just
that you came so dangerously close to bringing out the secret
I've spent so long protecting. My secret, Liam, is the only
thing I have left.
LIAM
Oh, Elvis! I had no idea! I'm sorry... But, honestly... I had
no clue that you were really Elvis.
ELVIS
None?
LIAM
No.
ELVIS
Oh... Well... I guess this whole ugly mess really had no point,
did it?
LIAM
Well, I'm just glad that everything's okay and that we can go
home now and rest.
BAM! The creature LEAPS out of the water and rushes Liam and the others.
Mere inches from gutting Liam's face, the creature suddenly stops as if
something is holding him back. Confused, the creature reaches around and
discovers another hook embedding in his back.
CREATURE
Eeeeerr?
EXT. THE SHORE
Mister Hilter is reeling his line in.
HILTER
Oh, YEAH! I got you now! Come to Daddy! I treat you nice!
EXT. LAKESIDE
Liam, Elvis, and Triumph are watching the creature get dragged backwards into
the water.
FADE TO
MISTER HILTER'S APARTMENT
The Creature from the Black Lagoon has been stuffed and mounted on Mister
Hilter's wall. Hilter, Elvis, Liam, and Triumph are looking at it.
TRIUMPH
That is a fine trophy, Mister Hilter...
[a beat]
...FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!
HILTER
You do and I've got an antifreeze weenie with your name on it!
LIAM
Well, I learned something today.
[a beat]
Actually... I didn't learn a damn thing.
ELVIS
Me neither. I'm just glad that we were able to put our
differences aside and become friends.
LIAM
Me too, Elvis.
HILTER
Now that we all know who you really are, you do know that there
will be a price to pay.
ELVIS
Aw, Mister Hilter.
HILTER
No... No... There's no way around it.
Mister Hilter hands Elvis a microphone.
HILTER
Rock the house, king!
ELVIS
Triumph! Gimmie a hand, baby!
TRIUMPH
You got it, Elvis!
"Blue Suede Shoes" Begins to play.
ELVIS
Well, it's ah one for the money!
TRIUMPH
Two for the show!
ELVIS
Three to get ready!
TRIUMPH
Now DIE cat DIE!
ELVIS
But don't you...
TRIUMPH
...POOP...
ELVIS & TRIUMPH
...on my blue suede shoes! You can do anything but doncha poop
on my blue suede shoes!
LIAM
[aside to Hilter]
Great song.
HILTER
Yeah... for me to poop on.
INT. HELL - SATAN'S OFFICE
Satan and Fluffy are watching Elvis and Triumph sing on a big screen TV.
FLUFFY
Drat! Yet another minion defeated by Liam's accursed stupid
blind luck!
SATAN
I'll send Freddy Kruger tomorrow night. He will cut Liam Smith
to itty bitty bits!
FLUFFY
No, Satan... No more Mister Nice Hamster. You know the old
saying... If you want something done right... you have to do it
YOURSELF!!! BWAAAA HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAA! Laugh with me,
Satan! Laugh with me!
SATAN & FLUFFY
BWAAAAA HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
A demon appears with a clip board.
DEMON
Sir, the cast of Lexx would like their show to stay on
another season.
SATAN
Tell them that there are limits to even my power!
The demon vanishes.
SATAN
Where were we?
FLUFFY
Uh... HA HA?
SATAN
Oh yes.
SATAN & FLUFFY
BWAAAAA HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAAA!
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS